Original subtitles

( knocking )

Hey, Joe, you got a minute?

Yeah, sure.

What do you think

about having a child this weekend?

Okay, honey, but don't put too much pressure on me.

Remember what happened the last time.

Come on, honey, we both agreed that was the cold medicine.

No, what I meant was,

Bob and Linda are going to Chicago for this weekend,

and they wanted to know if we'd take care of Emily.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's a big responsibility.

What do we know about children?

I'm about to take off for Boston.

Have you seen my flight case?

I swear you'd lose your head

if it wasn't screwed on.

Helen, I don't know the first thing

about taking care of a child.

Where is your jacket?

It is very cold outside.

Forgot.

( sighs )

Here, take mine.

Helen, kids are a lot of work.

I know it's work, but someday we're gonna have kids,

and it wouldn't hurt to be around them.

Besides, it might be fun.

But are you sure we're ready for this?

Hey, I forgot to go to the bank today.

You got a 20?

What happened to the 20 I gave you yesterday?

Spent it.

I told Linda I'd call her back and let her know.

What do you think?

Well, I guess it's okay.

I just hope I know what to do.

Thanks.

Well, don't run in the terminal.

They just waxed the floor in there.

Is flight eight from Boston arriving on time?

Yes, it is.

Oh, great, 'cause I'm expecting someone,

someone kind of... famous.

Well, it's on time. Oh!

You know, I may not be Assistant Director of Tourism for long.

Getting someone this famous

to come do my "Come To Nantucket" commercial

is a pretty big coup.

You know, Casey,

I'm really not that impressed with celebrities.

When I was a stewardess on the New York-L.A. run,

I met them all--

Marlon "Extra Macadamia Nuts" Brando...

Warren "Mile-High Club" Beatty,

Michael "Could you reach up and put this

in the overhead for me?" J. Fox.

Okay, Fay, when Deke Hathaway gets here,

I won't bring him over to bother you.

Deke! Deke Hathaway is coming? Oh, God.

Austin Houston, P.I. is my favorite show.

I love at the end, you know, when he nails some sleazebag,

and he says, "This party's over, Paco."

Hey, Roy, Roy

Guess who's coming?

Austin Houston, P.I., himself,

Deke Hathaway.

Oh, that guy's a wuss.

There hasn't been a good detective on TV since Kojak.

He was tough.

Austin Houston is tough and tender.

You think it's easy catching the bad guy

and being a single dad?

You think it's easy saying "Freeze!"

with a Tootsie Pop in your mouth?

Bud, come here, bud.

Who's the toughest detective ever on TV?

Oh, that's easy.

Police Woman, Pepper Anderson.

( chuckling ): Pepper Anderson...

Not only was she tough,

but she had a body that'd make a bishop

kick out a stained-glass window.

( jet engine roaring above )

Oh. Joe, don't forget.

Linda's bringing Emily by tonight at 6:00.

Okay.

Wow. We're actually going to be taking care of a child.

Yeah. Makes me feel so mature and grown-up.

Deke Hathaway!

Ha-ha!

Mr. Hathaway, hello.

We spoke on the phone.

I'm Casey Davenport.

This is my sister, Helen.

Oh, it's a pleasure meeting you both.

( cackling )

We are thrilled

that you took time out of your busy schedule

to promote our little island.

Oh, I'm happy to be here. ( cackling )

If you could just come this way.

Sure.

( cackling )

Stop it!

( yelling )

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Do you know who you are?

You're Deke Hathaway, Austin Houston, P.I.

Yes, I am. Ah!

Can I... can I just tell you...

I-I loved the episode

where you busted those evil oilmen,

and then you delivered the baby goat.

God, I was so moved.

Well, any time you can entertain

and give a message...

Deke, I'm sure you'd love to get to your hotel room

so why don't I call you a cab?

( yelling )

I'm a cab! I'm a cab!

I'm... I'm a driver.

I'm a cab driver.

Taxi?

Well... okay.

Antonio, why don't you just go get his luggage?

That would be so cool.

Um, Deke?

I have to get back to the office,

but if there's anything you need tonight,

you just give me a call.

I'll be happy to put out.

Myself... put myself out.

Oh, you know what I mean.

( seductively ): Don't you?

Yes, I do.

Oh, man. Would you look at that? Yeah.

JOE: I wonder what it would be like

to be Deke Hathaway for one day?

He's rich, he's famous, he's...

Gay.

What, what? He's what?

He's not a heterosexual.

He just plays one on TV.

How do you know?

I read it in an interview he gave.

He's actually very open about it.

He's also a strict vegetarian.

Wow. That's hard to believe.

A guy like that, a vegetarian.

So, uh... I bet you'll be going

to some big party tonight, huh?

Close. I was going to order room service

and dial up a movie.

Austin Houston alone on a Friday night?

No.

Well, actually, yes.

Wow. Look, I... I don't mean to be pushy.

Feel free to say "no,"

but, well, I, I, I know some little out-of-the-way places

most tourists don't get to see, so, uh...

if you, if you like, you know, I, I could take you.

Why not?

Sounds like fun.

You're on.

Really? Ha!

Great, great. You just put yourself in my hands.

Trust me.

This party's just beginning, Paco.

( doorbell chimes )

Hi! Hi. Hi.

Come on in.

We can't thank you enough for doing this.

You are lifesavers.

You're going to have lots of fun with Joe and Helen, right?

Mommy and Daddy are going to be back on Sunday.

We love you.

Oh, now, her clothes, her dolly,

everything she needs are in the suitcase.

And I put our number in Chicago in there, too.

We'll be fine. LINDA: Oh, thanks.

Bye, sweetie.

Bye, Mommy. Oh...

Mm... Be a good girl.

Okay. Okay.

Bye, Mommy. Bye, Daddy. Bye-bye.

Have a safe trip.

All right, thanks. We'll call you.

( sighs )

So...

So...!

Would you care to sit down?

Okay.

Well, what do you think of our place?

It's nice.

Well, it's a really funny story.

This isn't really my house.

My house was way on the other side of the island,

but there was this awful fire.

It burned down; there was nothing left but...

Helen, Helen. What?

Sidebar.

Uh, I think the story of a fire

might be... too scary for a little girl.

She's just a kid.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Yeah. What was I thinking?

So... So what would you like to do?

I'm hungry.

Oh, well, then let's get you something to eat.

We've got cookies, cake, ice cream...

Joe. What?

Sidebar.

You don't feed a child stuff like that.

You don't?

No. That's what my mother used to do.

She gorged me every minute with sweets.

It got so bad that the only part

of my brownie uniform that fit was the beret.

Okay, Helen, good point.

It's a good point.

So, you're hungry.

So I'm going to go into the kitchen

and I'm going to make you a yummy plate

of fruits, nuts and lowfat cottage cheese.

But he said there was ice cream.

Oh, you don't want to eat that stuff.

You know what happens to little girls

that eat ice cream?

They become big fatties.

And then on prom night, they don't have a real date,

they have to go with their cousin Stewie.

So you wait here,

and Joe and I will go get those low-cal treats.

Wait, wait.

You're going to leave her here alone?

It's just in the kitchen.

Helen... What?

Sidebar.

Helen, her parents just left.

We can't leave her here alone.

She'll feel abandoned.

Joe, we're just going for fruit.

Yeah, my mother was just going for groceries.

Next thing I know, I'm in therapy

talking to a mommy puppet.

Trust me.

You walk out on a child--

something they never forget.

Okay, I guess you're right.

Emily...

how about you, me and Joe going in the kitchen

and make a good, healthy snack

like a big, happy family?

Look at us, Joe.

We're naturals.

CASEY: Oh, there you are!

Antonio, you were supposed to have him here

like a half an hour ago.

Oh, Casey, it's completely my fault.

I've been looking for a shaker rug for my dining room,

and there was one in a shop window that looked perfect.

I loved it, but, uh, too much teal.

Well, I'm sure if Deke didn't think it was right,

it wasn't right.

I mean, he seems like a man who knows what he wants.

Thanks. Listen, Casey, do you think

we'll be shooting right through lunch?

Oh, um, I mean, I guess I can arrange it

so we're free for a few hours.

Great! So, what do you say

we check out that seafood place?

Yeah. Sure, it's a date.

Um, Deke, director's all ready,

and the camera's all set up.

All they're waiting for is...

( girlishly): you.

Later, Antonio.

Gotcha.

Oh, wow.

You know, in my wildest dreams,

I never thought I would have a buddy

like Austin Houston, P.I.

Listen, last night after you two dropped me off,

did Deke ask about me?

Ah, let me see...

uh, when we left your place, we, uh...

we went for a stroll on the beach, and...

we... we had a frozen yogurt...

then we went, uh...

window-shopping on Main Street.

Nope. Your name didn't come up.

Oh, shoot! I bet he's got a girlfriend.

Nah, he didn't mention one.

But, I mean... let's face it,

a guy like Deke can have whatever woman he wants.

All he has to do is call.

Any girl would come running.

Hey, Antonio, come watch this.

Sure, Deke.

You see here, Emily?

This is the terminal where we work.

Now, you see that plane right out there?

See that?

That's what I fly, right there,

and Helen works right over here.

That's right. You know, these days,

women don't just cook and clean,

they have careers.

So what do you want to do now?

I don't know.

Um... hey, would you like to see

how an airplane goes up in the air? Yeah.

All right! Okay, well, it's a simple matter

of lift, thrust and drag coefficient.

Now, just imagine that the value of drag coefficient

is equal to "X" and...

Joe, Bud has a question for you in the hangar.

Oh, okay. We will finish this game later.

The fun's not over.

All right. Oh, Fay, can you watch her for one minute?

Oh, sure. Okay.

Emily, this is Fay, She's our ticket agent.

Hi, dear.

You're pretty cute.

Thanks.

Do you have any children?

Uh, well, no, dear.

Uh, my first husband, George, was a dentist,

a bit of a renegade.

He refused to wear the lead apron and, well... zap.

My second husband, George, could have children, but...

apparently only with my neighbor.

Uh, my third George was also able-bodied,

but by that time it was...

Listen, kid, you make choices in life.

Sure, they gnaw at you,

but you get a cat and try not to be bitter.

I'm back, Princess. Thank you, Fay.

Oh, we had fun, didn't we?

Here you go.

Dried prunes and figs, the fiber fruits.

I'm supposed to wash my hands before I eat.

Oh, okay. I'll go with you.

My mommy lets me go by myself.

Sidebar. Sidebar.

I don't know, Joe. What do you think?

It's your call. It's a tough one.

We're supposed to watch out for her.

On the other hand, we don't want to stifle her independence.

Maybe we should let her go? Okay.

I think we made a good decision. Yeah I think so, too.

Okay, sweetie, you can go by yourself, but remember,

we'll be right here when you get back.

Yes, I know.

It's right up the stairs there.

Oh, wow, she is having a ball.

Time of her life.

What are we worried about? We're going to be great parents.

We sure are.

Although, you know,

if you're open to just a little constructive criticism--

you know this whole thing

with the fruits and grains and sprouts?

Right.

You might want to ease off on that just a bit

because it's... well, it's a little loony.

Okay, honey. Thanks.

Well, you know, now that you mentioned it,

you know that lecture that you gave Emily last night

on, you know, the emergency safety procedures

in case we get separated?

Well, I think that's sort of a little, I don't know...

psycho?

Uh-huh.

Psycho. Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, now that we're talking, you know that mung bean compote

you made last night as a fun dessert?

Well, that was neither fun nor dessert.

It was just plain mung.

Joe, what are we doing?

We're nitpicking.

She's having a very good time.

That's all that matters.

No, she's not laughing or giggling or... or smiling...

She's just not that kind of kid.

I mean, she, she's quiet. She's shy.

She's sort of reserved. She is.

Oh, oh, oh! Stop persecuting me!

Stop persecuting me!

I see you met Brian.

He's my brother.

No way.

( yawning ) So, is she all tucked in?

Yep. Boy, you know,

they say putting a child to bed is hard,

but not for us.

She ran upstairs, closed the door,

turned out the lights

and said, "See you in the morning."

What a great kid.

Uh-huh.

So you tired?

Oh, yeah. You?

Huh, exhausted.

Well, they say having a kid's a lot of work.

They're right.

They also say your sex life is the first to go.

So, you in the mood?

Are you?

Always.

Me, too.

Helen, Joe...

Hello!

I don't feel very good.

You don't feel very good?

She doesn't feel very good.

What, what doesn't feel very good?

My tummy.

Her tummy. He tummy doesn't feel good.

Feel her head.

I'm feeling her head. I can't tell anything.

Well, feel your head and then feel her head.

Still can't tell.

Then feel my head, and then feel your head

and then feel her head.

I can't, I still can't tell.

I can't tell. All right, all right.

Okay, I know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to call my old pediatrician, Dr. Jim.

Oh, Dr. Jim is dead.

Dr. Jim is dead?

He wasn't that old.

Not only is Dr. Jim dead, but Dr. Jim's son is dead.

What are we going to do?

Sidebar.

No, enough of the sidebar.

We gotta get her to the hospital.

The hospital?

Oh, no. Did I say the hospital?

No. I meant... the circus.

Get dressed.

Hurry up, Joe.

I'm hurrying.

I am hurrying.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

What? What now?

I caught myself in my fly.

It's a good thing we're going to the... circus.

Well, Emily, your mom and dad will be back from their trip in a few minutes.

What would you like to do until then?

Would it be okay

if I waited for them over there?

Well, uh... I think that...

I promise I won't eat anything fattening

or talk to strangers

or feel unloved or hitchhike to Vegas.

Honey, when we said those things, what we meant...

Joe, give it up.

Gosh, it usually takes 18 years

before you hate your parents.

She doesn't hate her parents.

She hates us.

Oh, I just can't help but believe

that this is all...

I don't know...

well, your fault.

My fault?

You kept following her around. You smothered her.

I'm not the one that crammed her so full of fruit,

she had to be hospitalized.

The doctor said it was a nervous stomach.

Yes, aggravated by 50 pounds of grapes.

I didn't give her that much. Oh, please.

The doctor said he'd never seen a child with so much gas.

He's writing an article.

Mommy! Daddy!

Mommy! Daddy!

Did you have fun?

Mommy! Daddy! Mommy! Daddy!

Hi. Hi.

What happened to your heads?

Oh... Well, uh... Oh...

Last night Emily had a tummy ache,

and we were scrambling around

trying to get her to the hospital...

Wait... you took her to the hospital for a tummy ache?

Well, yeah, yeah. What should we have done?

Well, usually we just give her some ginger ale,

rub her tummy, and she goes back to sleep.

Oh. Well, we'll remember that for the next time.

Mommy! Daddy! Mommy! Daddy!

It's okay, sweetie.

We got you a treat, honey.

Look-- it's a chocolate replica of the Sears Tower.

Thanks so much for everything.

Yeah.

Wait. I want to say good-bye.

Aw...

Bye, Brian.

I'll miss you.

And I'm going to miss you, too, monkey face.

What do you say to Helen and Joe?

See ya.

Bye. Bye.

Well, Deke, I can't thank you enough for doing the commercial.

I know it's just going to turn out great.

Hey, it was fun.

I had a great time this weekend.

Antonio, why don't you

take his bags out to the plane? Sure thing, yeah.

I'll be back in a minute.

Um, listen...

now that our professional relationship is over...

Oh, how can I say this?

I have been sensing a certain vibe from you.

You have?

Yeah. Well, I just want you to know

we are of like mind, if you know what I mean.

Really?

Yeah, I kind of got that from you.

Okay.

Well, uh, this is my number, okay?

Until we meet again.

Hey.

Your ticket's all set, Mr. Hathaway.

Thanks. Okay.

You know, Antonio,

I just want to tell you I had a great time this weekend.

You had a great time?

Oh! For me, it was magical.

I really hope I get to see you again.

Hey, this party ain't over, Paco.

I'm going to miss this face.

You Hollywood people.

If you have some time around summer,

I'd love it if you'd come visit me in L.A.

You mean it?

Yeah.

But I'll understand if you can't make it.

Don't you worry, Deke.

This summer, I'm coming out!