Original subtitles

Okay, here you go-- cheese and mushroom omelet.

ANTONIO: Uh, I'm

going to be sick.

Okay, so it's a little runny.

No, no, no, no.

Look, it's that creep

Lewis Blanchard. (gasps)

Holiday greetings, island people!

Well, it must be Christmas, 'cause I am looking at an angel.

I am married now, Lewis.

Back!

Ooh, that's some rock.

Oh, the glare.

Lewis. Lewis, what are you doing here during the holidays?

Shouldn't you be at your electronics store

tripling the price on the VCR?

Actually, I'm here to visit my dear old Uncle Carlton.

Bring him a little holiday cheer.

After all, I'm his only heir.

How is Carlton feeling these days?

Well, not too good.

The doctor says the slightest physical exertion

could do him in.

That's why I got him a very special present this year.

Hey!

I ordered the big one!

Hey, honey.

Hey.

Guess what?

What?

Rick Harper went skiing in Vermont.

Broke his leg.

Mmm...

broke it in three places.

Wow, it doesn't take much to get you going.

The condo he rented on the slopes is empty.

He offered it to us for free.

Oh, baby, when can we leave?

Tonight, right after my last flight.

Tonight? No, tonight's the Christmas party.

Oh, come on, we don't want to go to that thing.

And this is the perfect excuse to get out of it.

Get out of it? We're throwing it.

No, no, no, come on, Helen, let's face it.

Christmases around here-- they're... they're....

they're... they're.... they're... they're freaky.

That's because I've never been in charge.

This is going to be an old-fashioned party,

just like the ones my parents used to throw.

Don't you remember? It was a Chappel tradition.

Everyone called us the Christmas house,

and now that we're married

I want to be called the Christmas house.

Yeah, but Helen, a friend of ours had a major skiing accident.

How could we not take advantage of that?

Okay, let's compromise.

Okay, look, this is what we'll do-- we'll have the party

but the minute it's over-- pff-- we head up to Vermont.

Okay, but promise me you'll help me make this a special night.

Oh, Helen, of course, I will.

It might be kind of fun hanging out with our friends.

Hey, uh, listen, I can't make it

to your Christmas party tonight.

All right. One down.

No, Roy, you have to come.

Ah, Fay's on a cruise, and now you.

This is terrible.

Believe me, I wish I could come,

but once again, I'm going to be stuck

spending Christmas Eve with Mom at the home

watching her gum a turkey leg

and debating who's got cuter buns--

Buddy Ebsen or Art Linkletter.

Hey, Budd--

coming to my Christmas party?

Oh...

you don't want me at your party.

Of course, I do.

No, no. (clears throat)

You don't want me at your party.

I-I-I don't do well at parties.

I always say or do the wrong thing.

Oh, you're coming to my party,

and I won't take no for an answer.

Well, okay, if you insist.

Okay. Great.

Oh, uh, by the way, is this a solo invite

or can I bring a pet?

Uh, actually, it's just for humans, Budd.

Well, that sounds like a blast.

Hey, uh, Casey, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. What is it?

Um... well, I wanted to tell you this. Uh...

I am going to be bringing a date

to Joe and Helen's party.

That's it?

Well, yeah. I mean...

You know, considering whatever it was that we had

I didn't want to make you to feel awkward.

Oh, awkward. Please.

I mean, I'm bringing a date myself.

Really? Well, okay.

Well, I can't wait to meet him.

Can't wait to meet her.

(chuckling) (chuckling)

Casey, you got a date to the Christmas party?

Who's the lucky guy?

Oh, whoever I can dig up in the next eight hours.

Hi, Mom.

It's me.

Yeah, I'm just calling to say I'll be there around 4:00.

What do you mean, you and the girls

are going to a hockey game?

But it's Christmas Eve.

We always spend it toge... (gasps)

But Mommy, what am I supposed to do?

Cider is mulling.

Goose is cooking.

Yams are yamming...

and Joe is leaving.

Hey, where you going?

Nowhere. Just getting our stuff ready

so we can shoot right out of here the minute this party starts going south.

If this party goes south, we ain't going north.

All right. Okay.

Hey, what do you have your jacket on for?

I can't see your Christmas sweater.

There.

Helen? Helen, please, don't make me wear this.

Come on, Joe. My mother made it especially for you.

My dad always wears a Christmas sweater.

But Helen, I jingle.

Men shouldn't jingle.

My dad was in two wars, and he jingles.

Yeah, but once you're in a white belt and white shoes

jingling is the least of your problems.

Oh! Roy!

How long you been sitting there?

Oh, I don't know.

An hour, maybe two.

You know what Mommy and I'd be doing right now?

"Mommy"?

We'd be watching The Andy Williams Christmas Special

and I'd be yelling at her, "It's television!

That's why he's not answering you!"

That... that's a wonderful memory.

I'm alone out here with Roy!

(doorbell chiming)

(jingling)

Oh, thank you.

Hey, Antonio.

7:30 on the dot--

that's the kind of guest we like.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, snappy sweater, Joe.

(jingling)

You really don't want to be doing that.

Well, uh, Joe, Helen, um...

this holiday season

instead of focusing on what I don't have... Oh!

...I'm focusing on what I do have--

wonderful friends.

Hey, this is great.

Oh, Antonio, what a beautiful music box.

Uh-huh.

Well, I had it specially made in Sorrento.

When you open it, it plays

the first song you danced to at your wedding.

("Isn't It Romantic?" plays)

Oh, Antonio, I feel bad.

I didn't get you anything.

Really?

Well, that's okay,

because that's not what Christmas is about.

The best gift I could hope for is... is your friendship.

Oh, hey, buddy, thanks a lot.

That really means a lot to us, and, uh, don't feel

that you have to hang around all night.

You got someplace else to go, you just take off.

Hey, Merry Christmas, everyone.

HELEN: Hey!

Ho-ho... ha!

What are you...? What are you wearing?

It's Joe's Christmas sweater. Isn't it adorable?

Eh...

(jingling)

Hey!

Hey, Joey, you jingle.

You really don't want to be doing that.

(doorbell chiming)

Hey, Erica! Hey!

Oh... Casey, I'd like you to meet Erica...

Aren't you gonna introduce me to your date...?

(laughing nervously)

Hello... Hello... oh.

(laughing nervously)

Ah...

(clears throat)

(splutters)

(laughing nervously)

(doorbell chiming)

All right! Another guest.

This party's taking off.

Merry X-mas, island people!

Lewis...

who invited Lewis?

Oh, good...

my date is here.

Lewis Blanchard? What were you thinking?

Look, I only had two criteria for my date--

that he walk erect and that he be male.

When I couldn't find anyone like that, I brought Lewis.

I know Brian has a date out there,

but that's no reason to sink this low.

Oh, I don't want to show up without a date. That would look pathetic.

Oh, as opposed to now

being the envy of every girl at the party?

Oh, come on. Lewis isn't that bad.

Have you got a Water Pik?

'Cause I got a hunk of something in my teeth

that floss won't budge.

So, there you go.

You having a nice time?

Oh, I'm having a great time.

I am just so happy to be here.

You know, um, all those times that you pulled up

to my drive-in window at the bank?

I was secretly hoping that you would ask me out.

Hey!

Isn't that funny?

This is the first time that we've actually spoken to each other

without that thick piece of glass between us.

Isn't it great

finally being face-to-face?

(holding breath): God, it's wonderful.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: And now, an update on that storm.

Storm? What storm?

If it continues across New England at its current rate,

all area airports will close within two hours.

(broadcast stops)

Damn.

Joe, what are you doing with my goose?

Look, Helen, there is a big storm heading into New England.

We got to speed things up here.

All right, let me see...

"Fish, potatoes, popcorn." Where's "goose"?

There is no "goose." You don't nuke goose.

You have to cook it slowly.

Oh, come on, Helen.

Every good chef knows you cook goose fast.

You seal in the juices, people eat it and get on with their lives.

Joe...

don't you do it.

Step away from the bird.

( window shatters )

I say we go with the ham.

Uh... Merry Christmas, Roy.

I got you a little something there.

Wow!

( gasps )

Genuine Cuban cigars!

Scarpacci, how did you

get your hands on these babies?

Ah, it was no big deal.

I just waited in a dinghy in international waters.

And then about 3:00 a.m., I sent up a flare.

and an unmarked fishing boat delivered them to me

in a bucket of squid.

Scarpacci, I... I... I don't know what to say.

This is... this is very generous.

Well...

I'm really sorry

I didn't get anything for you, buddy.

Unbelievable.

But, uh, hey, it's no problem.

Because that's not what Christmas is about.

Christmas is about giving.

Apparently, I'm the only one who got the memo.

(screaming)

What's going on? CASEY: Oh!

There's a big scary-looking person

lurking in the bushes.

Mom?

Budd?

Budd, what are you doing skulking around out there?

Uh, working up the nerve to come in, sir.

Oh, don't be nervous. Come on in.

You're amongst friends.

Just enjoy yourself.

Okay.

I will.

Hi.

I'm Budd Bronski.

Great party, don't you think?

(yelling): Hi!

Boy, I don't want to be around when you blow.

(group singing nearby)

Oh, carolers, everybody!

Silent night

Holy night

Holy cow!

All is calm

All is bright

(singing faster): Round yon virgin mother and child

Holy infant so tender and mild

Sleep in...

Merry Christmas. Thank you very much.

Um, Joe, could I see you in the kitchen, please?

Honey, you're busting my bells.

Boy, you look like you could use some cheering up.

I can't believe my mom still hasn't called.

Maybe she's dead. Ha!

You know, red...

I'm starting to get into the holiday spirit.

What do you say we go upstairs

and introduce Donner to Blitzen?

Look, let me put this in words you can understand--

(makes retching sound)

Oh! Foreplay!

Oh, I love Christmas.

It's such a happy time.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Great party, huh?

It's wonderful.

Whoa! Man!

You could take the paint off a barge

with that breath.

Whoo!

(sniffing)

Brian, did you hear what he just said to me?

Well, aren't you going to do anything?

Aren't you? That's it!

I am leaving!

(exhaling loudly)

Erica, wait!

Okay, Lewis, party's over.

You can go now.

Hey!

I'm not a plaything!

I've got feelings!

Sleep with me.

I'm out of here!

Antonio, a camcorder is a great gift,

but I didn't know we were exchanging presents.

What the hell do you think Christmas is about?

You give, you get.

I kill myself to find the perfect gifts for all of you.

What do I get? Bupkes! Give me something--

a keychain, a quarter...

Get out of here. What are you doing?!

I'm getting out of here. Where's my coat?

Wait, no, Antonio.

You can't go!

I'm getting out of here, too.

No, Roy, we haven't eaten yet. Please.

Look, I'm sorry. Mom's probably home by now.

This is the time she usually gets thrown out for tossing her teeth on the ice.

Lewis, get away from me!

Didn't you get the hint?

No, really, mace has no effect on me.

Where... where is everybody going? Please!

I'm sorry, Helen, but--

Whoa!

God!

Joe, everybody's leaving.

Please, do something.

Okay, I'll go load up the car.

Hold it!

Right there.

Back.

Back!

This is the Christmas house.

Nobody leaves the Christmas house

until I say.

Okay.

There's fun to be had.

Come on, everybody.

Let's gather around the tree.

Now!

Joe, I want you to read us all a story.

Look... Read it!

"It was a cold night in Bethlehem.

Having heard the tale, of the blessed birth the three wise men said..."

My wallet's missing!

What?

It was in my coat upstairs in the bedroom.

Now it is gone.

Oh, mine's gone, too.

All my money is missing.

Ohh!

Well, don't look at me, springtime.

I've been ripped off, too.

Oh, my God, Helen, somebody stole our travelers' checks, too.

Well, we've all been ripped off!

Who could have done it?

It's got to be somebody here.

Look, it's not easy for me to say this, but

I think you all have the right to know.

He did it!

What the hell are you talking about,

you little homunculus?

Ouch! That hurt worse than a big-screen return.

But that doesn't change

the fact that you've been in a big hurry to leave all night.

And I saw you go into the bedroom

and close the door.

Explain that.

Well, uh...

I... I did go into the bedroom, but, um...

(high-pitched voice): Hello, police?

Yes, uh, there is a very loud party

going on at 627 Cherry Street.

Could you please get over there right away and break it up?

I'm trying to sleep.

Thank you.

Oh, and, uh, by the way, uh...

are they requiring snow chains on Route I-89?

You called the cops on our Christmas party?

What a lowlife creep.

Have you ever thought of going into sales?

All right, look, I was in the bedroom

but I was not the only one in there tonight... Roy?

All right, all right, I...

I went into the bedroom, but I had a good reason.

Would you please page Mrs. Eleanor Bluto Biggins?

I know there is a hockey game going on.

Of course, it's an emergency!

But, but...

(sobbing): Just tell her little boy needs her.

Oh, how horrible-- to be away from your mother on the holidays.

(gagging): Ho-ho.

(coughing)

Whoa! That's powerful.

You know, come to think of it

as I was leaving that bedroom

somebody else walked in.

It's good that we're seeing other people.

Yeah, and we can still be friends

even though we're no longer involved.

Yeah, this is stuck.

Rip it off! Oh!

Erica, I'm really sorry.

How could you do this?

Okay. Now we're even.

Well, I think it's obvious who the real thief is:

Lewis.

Okay, okay, I admit it, I was in the bedroom,

but it was all perfectly innocent.

Oh, it's good that we're seeing other people.

Yeah, and we can still be friends

even though we're no longer involved.

Yeah, this is stuck.

Rip it off! Oh!

Oh, I feel so dirty.

You feel dirty?

When was the last time you people cleaned out your closet?

Wait a minute.

I know who did this.

I heard you in that room.

What were you doing in there?

You are a likeable guy.

You are a handsome man.

You are the life of the party.

(knock at door)

ROY: Budd?

(yelling): Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

All right, hold it. This is crazy.

We can't just sit around all night accusing our friends.

Antonio...

you're quiet.

Real quiet.

I've been sitting here mentally composing my thank-you notes.

All right.

Okay, look, we all know that you're angry

because you didn't get any presents

and if you did this, we'll all understand, won't we?

ROY: Get him!

Come on, let's...

(clamoring) HELEN: No!

Stop it.

Are you guys out of your minds?

(doorbell rings)

Goodness!

(gasping): Merry Christmas, Officer.

Sorry to bother you, ma'am, but, uh,

we've, uh, recently had a string of burglaries in the area

and I was wondering if any of these belong to you.

My money!

There it is. It's my wallet!

You found our wallets! Where were they?

Well, it was a scam.

Apparently, the criminals dressed up as carolers.

And while they're singing

one of them shimmies up the side of the house

and breaks into the bedroom.

(murmuring)

By the way, I've also had a complaint about the noise,

so, uh, please, let's keep it down, huh?

Well, thank you, Officer. We will.

Whoa!

Well...

I hope everybody's ashamed.

I mean, here it is, Christmas

and you're sitting around, accusing each other of stealing.

That's not how friends treat friends.

Helen's right.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. That's better.

Let's start over.

Why don't y'all sit down, relax

enjoy yourselves

and I'm going to make sure that you get the Christmas dinner

that you deserve.

I'm going to go get the goose.