Original subtitles

Yes... yes.

"If you can conceive it, you can achieve it."

Oh... that is so true.

Fay, don't worry.

Your hair looks fine.

Oh, really?

You don't think it looks a little matronly?

Oh, would you stop being so insecure?

Oh. Uh, Antonio...

do you think my hair looks a little drab?

Yes, yes... of course.

Oh, thanks.

Ever heard of a little something called tact?

Morning, Scarpacci.

Of course.

I am the one who determines my own fate.

Oh, no, you're not listening

to one of those moronic,

self-improvement tapes, are you?

Yes, yes... I am the one.

Oh, you're the one, all right.

Hey, Scarpacci. Hey.

Oh, oh, sorry, Roy.

I was just listening to one of those wonderful

self-improvement tapes.

It's called Life: Grab It, It's Yours, by John Gold.

Four tapes, only $495.

My days of being taken advantage of are over.

Scarpacci, how can you waste your money

on those late-night infomercial things?

None of that stuff works.

How do you know?

Hey... do these look like buns of steel?

HELEN: Casey, wait.

What's different about you?

You look so...

...employed.

Don't I?

And as Nantucket's new assistant director of tourism,

I've already come up with a great idea.

You know, I figure, if you want to attract tourists,

you have to come up with a catchy slogan.

You know, like "I love New York"

or "Virginia is for lovers."

Well, check this out.

"Welcome to Nantucket:

"Approximately 56 square miles of smiles

which you'll enjoy, especially in summer."

Kind of...

Kind of rolls right off the tongue.

And just keeps on rolling.

Wish me luck-- I'm presenting it this afternoon.

And probably well into the evening.

Hey, Helen, I got the plans.

(as Boris Badenov): Plans? Good, Natasha.

Now we can finally get rid of Moose and Squirrel.

Okay, come on, Joe.

Can't wait to see the house.

Yeah, here they are, look at this. Huh? Here we go.

Look at that. Oh...

(gasps) Wow.

It's just beautiful.

See, we didn't need some world-famous architect.

All we needed was someone young and hungry.

Yeah, that's right, who cares if he's the day manager

of a Baskin-Robbins?

Listen, maybe if you pay him a little extra

he'll put sprinkles on the roof.

Oh, look, here's our living room

with a window seat.

It's exactly how I imagined it...

And our kitchen

with a butcher block counter.

Look at this. This is the best part.

Remember that big closet in our bedroom?

My walk-in closet.

Right, well, by eliminating it,

the architect says we'll have enough room

to build a cabinet

that will hold a 60-inch TV.

Whoa, 60 inches!

Super Bowl-- Joe's house.

Super Bowl?

What about Monday Night Football once a week?

Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys, you're forgetting something.

There are games on Saturday and Sunday, too!

(hooting and laughing)

(quietly): I don't... I don't think I want

a 60-inch TV in the bedroom.

What did she say?

She said she doesn't want the big TV.

Helen, you don't understand.

The beautiful part of this

is that there'll be a decent closet and a big TV.

No, but I had my heart set on a walk-in closet.

What did she say?

She said she wants the walk-in.

If you just look at the plans,

I think you'll appreciate

what the architect and I did here.

What?

You went to the architect

and made changes without me?

How could you do that?

What did she say?

What, am I speaking German here?

Don't you guys have something better to do?

Well, you heard that, didn't you?

Yeah, but I'm not going there every Monday night

just to look at a closet.

I can't believe you would make

that important of a decision without me.

What decision?

A big TV versus a stupid closet?

It's a no-brainer.

You got that right.

First thing in the morning

we are flying to Boston

and we're going to tell that architect to put it back.

Oh, so now you're making all the decisions?

Yep. See how it feels?

Well, you know what, I'm not giving up my TV.

Well, too bad, because I want my closet.

Oh, look, the plans for your new house.

A little love nest.

Oh, it's so romantic.

How I envy you two.

This isn't over.

Not by a long shot.

They're headed for court.

Helen, what are you doing?

Trying to find my black dress that I'm wearing tomorrow.

But it's really hard to find

in this teeny, tiny closet that the two of us are sharing.

Well, keep it down, would you?

I'm trying to watch Jurassic Park on my five-inch TV.

Ooh, scary.

It's just like being in the theater.

Here it is.

Will you turn that thing off?

I want to go to bed.

You know, I just don't understand

why you are so mad at me. I don't want to talk about it.

All I did... I'm tired.

All right, okay, fine, I give up, okay?

You can have your closet, all right?

Tomorrow, we'll fly to Boston.

We'll tell the architect to put it back in.

There, are you happy?

You just don't get it, do you?

Well, let me see.

You're getting your own way, and you're still mad at me.

No, I guess I don't.

Okay, let me give you a hypothetical situation.

Oh, no, no, not a hypothetical, I hate those.

Let's just say, for argument's sake,

that I am in a coma.

Okay, I'm listening.

Okay, so I'm in this coma...

How did you get in this coma, anyway?

A big TV fell on me. What's the difference?

All right, we are right in the middle

of choosing colors for our bathroom

and we have narrowed it down to Buttercup Yellow

or Robin's Egg Blue.

The decorator is pressing you

to give her an answer today.

What kind of a decorator is this?

You're in a coma.

She can't stop for every coma, Joe.

She needs an answer today.

Okay, um... Buttercup?

I can't believe you said... Oh!

No, Robin's Egg, Robin's Egg!

I pick Robin's Egg. I can't believe

that you would make a decision without me!

But you're in a coma. Well, you don't know

how long I'm going to be in that coma.

I could snap out like that.

Don't you think that's what I'm praying for?

Okay... forget about the coma.

The point is, is you did it again.

Did what?

You made another decision without me. Oh...

That's it, forget it.

Joe, no.

We can't go to sleep yet.

Forget it, Helen, even I'm not in the mood.

No, no, they say you're not supposed to go to bed angry.

They. Who's they?

They, they, them, them, whoever, it doesn't matter.

The point is, is you're not supposed to do it.

All right.

Okay, Helen, you're right.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Me, too.

I want that TV.

Over my dead body!

Congratulate me, my slogan was approved.

(laughs)

You're kidding.

That's right.

"Welcome to Nantucket.

"Approximately 56 square miles of smiles

which you will enjoy, especially in summer."

Well, that's just insane.

I will have you know that it won out

over some very strong contenders.

Really. Like what?

"Nantucket, Isle of Lepers"?

Or... "Nantucket, haven for Nazis"?

(gasps)

Fine, go ahead, make your jokes.

But I will have you know

that my boss loved my slogan.

He loved it so much

that he offered to take me to dinner anywhere I want,

even off the island.

Matter of fact, he says it's better if it is off the island.

"Especially in summer"?

That's just insane.

What's the matter? You look like hell.

Ah, Helen and I had this big fight last night.

Really? Why? What about?

I don't even know.

One minute, it was about small closets and big TVs,

the next minute, Helen was in a coma.

Anyway, we went to bed angry.

Woke up angry.

We're still not talking.

Wait a second, this doesn't sound good.

Don't tell me you caved in on the big TV?

Yeah, I did but... No!

Don't give me any grief about it, okay,

'cause I didn't get any sleep last night.

I had this terrible dream.

Yeah, I had a dream, too,

and it included 60 inches of John Madden's big, red face.

This dream was really weird, man.

There was a... a clown at Sandpiper and...

Oh, man, I don't want to talk about it.

Wait, there was a clown in your dream?

Yeah, why?

Well, because one time, I was reading this book

about dream symbolism.

For instance, if you're under water in a dream,

that's about sex.

Really?

What about a clown?

Well, that's about sex.

Well, trust me, after this fight with Helen last night,

I didn't get any clown.

So tell me more about your dream.

Well, it was so bizarre. I mean, um...

I was in the middle of the terminal

and I was trampled by a herd of tigers...

Well, that's about group sex.

And then it got really, really weird.

Budd... Budd, the mechanic, had a crush on me.

And then, Roy started peeling off all his clothes

and doing a belly dance.

Well, that's about enough.

There... there's more.

Helen and I got on the plane to go to Boston.

Antonio sort of forced his way on,

and then the engine started sputtering,

went into a dive, we crashed, and-and we died.

It was just a bad dream.

No, no, wait, wait a second.

You actually died in your dream?

Go ahead, tell me it's about sex.

What, is everything sex with you?

This is about death, and death dreams

you pay attention to.

You're not flying today.

Yes, I am-- Helen and I have got to go to Boston

to tell the architect to put back the stupid closet.

Joe, listen to me.

I don't want to upset you, but let me put it this way:

You fly, you die.

You're going to have to excuse me, Brian.

I'm late, I have an appointment...

with reality!

I'm telling you, Joe,

dreams come from your subconscious.

And yours is trying to warn you.

Brian, would you relax.

It was just a dream.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I just came from the beauty parlor.

So?

What do you think?

My God.

You're the clown.

Joe, Joe, look!

The clown, Joe.

She's the clown, Joe.

All right.

That's one opinion.

Joe?

So she looks like a clown.

That doesn't prove anything.

You know, I'm a human being.

I have feelings.

I'm sensitive.

Wait till I get my hands on that hairdresser.

The little peckerwood told me I looked like Ann-Margret.

Brian, I know what you're thinking

and you are... no, you're wrong.

There is no such thing as a premonition.

(boys hollering)

Hey, come on, guys, slow down, slow down.

Joe, Joe, look...

Look, what it says on their jerseys, man. Look.

O-o-okay, okay.

It says "tigers." Yeah... Tigers.

There was a clown in the terminal,

I was trampled by tigers. Right?

You're reading way too much into this.

Hello, Joe.

Today, I am going to Boston

to attend John Gold's lecture

called Life: Don't Ask, Just Take.

Good for you, Antonio.

Eh! Here's how this impacts you.

You will give me a free seat

on your next flight.

Hey, Antonio... A free seat

in the front of the plane, next to a window.

And I want a pillow and a bag of peanuts.

Look, Antonio... No. No.

There is no argument here.

As John Gold says,

"Have the nerve to deserve."

Yeah, well, you have the nerve.

Thank you, the pleasure is all yours.

I can't believe him.

Hey, I can't believe you!

Did you just see what he did?

Antonio forced his way onto the plane,

just like in your dream.

Yeah, okay, I guess he was a little pushy.

Pushy? But you know what? Wait a minute.

I'm not just going to buy into this.

Hey, Budd, let me ask you something.

When is the last time

you did a complete maintenance on the plane?

Just completed, sir-- checked the plane from nose to tail.

She's never been more airworthy, sir.

"Airworthy." Are you sure?

I have the utmost confidence in that craft, sir.

He was going to ground me

just 'cause I had a dream I died in a crash.

You had a...

death dream, sir?

Yeah. So?

Don't go, sir!

Don't go, please!

I beg you!

Please, Budd, you're crushing me.

Crush...

Crush!

Crush-- just like in your dream.

He's got a crush on you!

These are perfectly normal feelings

of friendship and loyalty.

CASEY: Roy. Huh?

I'm handing these buttons out

to all of the airport employees

to try to promote the island.

What a stupid slogan.

I'm not wearing that.

Hey! I'll have you know

that the guys in the tower love my slogan.

Oh, yeah? They'd say anything.

They haven't seen a woman in 20 years.

Everybody's a critic.

Hey, in case you're curious,

there's a big, hairy spider on your collar.

Oh, whoa, get it off.

Get it off, I hate spiders.

Somebody help me.

Come on, somebody, help me.

BRIAN: It's the belly dance!

Joe, Joe, the belly dance!

Oh, my God, I'm going to die.

No, not if you don't get on that plane, you won't.

Okay, Joe, ready to go to Boston?

Uh...

Helen, um, do we really have to go

and see the architect today?

What do you mean?

Well, uh... hazardous weather conditions.

There's not a cloud in the sky.

That's right, it's calm out there.

Perhaps a little too calm.

Very clever, guys.

You think if you can get me to wait one day,

that I'll change my mind and you'll get your TV.

No, no, this is not about the TV.

That's right, it's about you going back on your word.

He is not going back on his word.

Helen, he's got a perfectly good reason

why he's not going to fly to Boston today.

What's that?

He got some bad mogambo happenin'.

What is wrong with you? He's right.

Bad mogambo.

See, I had this dream about a clown and tigers

and Roy doing a belly dance,

and so far, it's all come true.

What? No, no, Helen, you don't understand.

And then you and I got on the plane with Antonio,

and we crashed.

Don't you see what this means?

Yeah, it means you'll do anything to get that stupid TV.

Come on, let's go.

(coughs): Mogambo. Mogambo.

Helen, Helen.

Listen, you don't understand.

You are messing with a force

of enormous destructive power.

So are you.

"I am strong.

"I'm powerful.

"I have my own mind.

"I rely on no one's ideas but my own.

Turn tape over."

I can't believe

you tried to weasel out of going

to see the architect today.

Helen, I didn't try to weasel out of anything.

I just had a dream.

Oh, yeah, the dream.

Ooga-booga.

(engine sputtering, rattling) Joe?

Yeah, I know, I know.

I demand a smoother ride, please.

(engine sputtering)

Joe, what is that?

That's what we pilots call "a real bad noise."

Please tell me you're just doing this to scare me.

Yeah, that's right, I thought I'd kill us both

just to teach you a lesson.

I have bitten a bitter peanut.

I demand a replacement.

(engine sputtering)

Hey, that's a real bad noise.

I would like that noise to stop, now.

(sputtering stops)

Ah...

Wow, that's amazing, he willed it to stop.

Yeah, it stopped because the number two engine just died.

This is Nevada 1-2-1, Papa-Papa.

Brian, come in, we got a slight problem.

BRIAN: You're going down, aren't you?

Yeah, that's the slight problem.

The number two engine just died, we're 5,000 feet.

I'm coming around for an emergency landing.

You happy now, Helen?

We got a major mogambo situation

happening here.

BUDD: Sir, this is Budd.

Don't worry, that number one engine

is as good as the day she was built.

Just hold steady and she'll get you back home safe and sound.

Over and out.

BUDD: God help those poor bastards.

Budd, is your finger still on the mic?

Oops.

It's okay, we still have one good engine, right?

We can make it in.

Yeah, sure we can. Okay.

(sputtering)

Oh, that's another real bad noise, isn't it?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Oh, we're going down, aren't we?

I'm afraid so.

"Tape four: Living a Long and Healthy Life."

Ah, I see we've started our descent.

And ahead of schedule, too.

Just as I willed it.

Antonio, both engines died-- we're plummeting into the ocean!

What?

Nonsense.

The problem is, as John Gold would say,

that you are accepting that the plane is going down.

I demand that this plane go up.

Up, plane, up.

How are we doing?

Oh, we're about to split a whale in half.

Okay, okay, time to get serious.

Up, plane, up.

We're at 2,000 feet.

Oh, God!

Up, plane!

Up! 1,500 feet.

(shouting): Please, please, plane, up, up!

1,000 feet.

Oh, God!

John Gold, I'll see you in hell!

Assume crash positions.

What's that?

The position you want to be found dead in.

Joe, I'm sorry we fought.

Me, too. I love you. I love you.

If we have to go, at least we get to go together.

I have a confession to make.

I've had impure thoughts about my fat Aunt Graziella.

Helen!

Oh, Joe!

Aunt Graziella!

(gasps)

Helen.

Helen, wake up.

What? What's wrong?

Oh, I had a horrible dream.

Oh, honey.

It was so weird.

In my dream, I had another dream

that we were in the plane and it went down.

And-and-and I told Brian about it,

and he warned us not to go on the plane,

but we did anyway and... and we were killed.

(gasps)

That's terrible.

Promise me, we will never go to bed angry again.

I promise.

And, honey, if this is upsetting you this much...

you can have your big TV.

Really?

But what about your closet?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

What matters is that you're happy.

And if you're happy...

I'm happy.

Hey, as long as we're up...

(gasps)

Helen.

Helen, wake up.

What?

Oh...

Oh, I had a horrible dream.

Oh, it was so weird.

In my dream, I had another dream

that we were in the plane and it crashed, and, uh...

then I woke up and I told you about it,

and that turned out to be a dream, too.

But, uh... oh, wow, you were so great.

You were so great and understanding and, uh...

...you said I can have my big TV and...

...then we kissed and, uh...

and then we...

Boy, you were dreaming.

I don't believe that.

It's true.

That is the weirdest dream I ever heard, man.

They actually approved Casey's slogan?

Oh... man.

Well, that's just insane.

I know.

It was just a dream.

Dreams have nothing to do with reality.

Yeah, I guess you're right.