Original subtitles

Hey, what's the idea

of spoiling the game?

I was for \honesies.

Well, here's twosies.

(laughing)

Brian, have you...?

(continues laughing)

Oh, no.

I can't believe

you're actually laughing at the Three Stooges.

Why is it funny to see a man's nose being twisted by pliers?

It's funny for the same reason

that squeezing a man's head in a vise

is funny.

(laughing)

So, which one is which?

That's Moe, that's Larry

and the one with the power drill in his ear is Curly.

Wait a minute.

Where's Harpo?

(laughs)

Okay.

I'm just going to explain this once, all right?

In the beginning, God created Moe.

And then Moe begat Larry and Curly.

And then after Curly was Shemp.

And then after Shemp was Joe Besser--

although scholars debate whether he was an actual Stooge or not.

But just sit down and prepare to laugh.

See?

(laughing)

Funny, huh?

We can't sleep together anymore.

Hey.

Hey, what is this?

"Sandpiper fare: A picnic in the sky."

What is this?

Yeah, get this, Brian.

Sandpiper Air is now offering in-flight meals.

What do you think?

Well, let's see.

Nine people eating greasy chicken

in a closed cabin at 10,000 feet.

Why don't we just start hauling livestock?

Actually, it's not a bad idea when you think of it.

I mean, we could take a bunch of these to the Mud Bowl.

The guys'll go crazy for them.

Hey, oh, no, is the Mud Bowl the weekend after next?

Yeah.

Oh, no, you know what?

I think we made plans for that weekend.

Yeah, we're going to see Wayne and Lois in Atlantic City.

Who the hell are Wayne and Lois?

This great couple we met on our honeymoon.

They are so fun.

They're both locksmiths

and they installed all the dead bolts at Trump Plaza.

But you would never know, because they don't put on airs.

I don't believe this.

I mean, you miss a Mud Bowl because you're in jail.

You miss a Mud Bowl because you're dead.

You do not miss a Mud Bowl

because you're going to sit in New Jersey

watching Wayne and Lois make keys!

Brian, it's just a bunch of guys

playing football in a mud pit.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Look, I'll just have to take a rain check, okay?

Hey, and, uh, why don't you save some there for the passengers?

Don't worry, you guys will hit the Mud Bowl next year.

Meanwhile, I suggest you hit the fruit bowl.

My, Brian, you're getting

what I used to lovingly call on George "a big fat gut!"

Roy, Roy, guess what I just did.

You hit another squirrel

and now you want to have

one of those creepy little funerals.

No, no, no, it's not that.

No, no, I just made

the most extravagant purchase of my life.

(whistles)

Whoa, Scarpacci...

Whoa, those are beauts.

Don't I know it.

I've been staring at them in the store window for weeks.

Today I finally just...

finally broke down and just...

just...

just bought them, you know.

Cost me about 300 bucks,

but I think my little piggies are worth it.

Are you sure they fit?

They look a little tight.

No, I just got to break them in a little.

The salesman said...

the salesman said, you see, fine leather stretches...

and then conforms to your foot.

Oh, welcome back.

How was your weekend with Wayne and Lois?

Oh, our little locksmith friends?

Oh, lots of fun.

Did you know that the Incas made their keys

out of donkey bones?

Oh, now, let me get this straight.

Are you saying you spent the whole weekend

talking about keys?

Pretty much, yeah, Fay.

I'm sorry, I should have warned you.

The people you're with on your honeymoon

are dull as dirt once you get them back home.

Hey, how'd our baskets do this weekend?

Oh, yeah, how much money did we make?

Here we go.

Nine dollars?!

Well, I only sold one basket.

What happened to all the rest of them?

Ask Captain Cholesterol.

Ladies and gentlemen...

we're about to begin our final descent.

If you look out

the left side of the cabin,

you'll notice the famous

and historic Nantucket Lighthouse.

And out the right side,

you'll see our well-known whaling museum.

Now, directly below us, you'll see the...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

What? What?!

They closed the Pizza Hut!

Damn!

(passengers screaming)

(moaning)

Hey, how are you doing?

So, uh, how are the new shoes working out?

Just great!

Just great!

Worth every penny.

Like walking on little foot clouds.

Yeah, I can tell.

They're starting to give.

Starting to give you a stroke.

Hey, Antonio, are you ready?

Where are you two going?

Well, that interview for the tourist board job is coming up

and I want to get to know every inch of the island.

Antonio offered to take me on a tour.

My cab is right out front.

Oh, no, you miss too much when you drive.

We should walk.

Walk?

No, no, no.

Come on, it'll be fun.

(moaning)

Nice shoes, Antonio.

Yeah, and they're very comfortable.

I can't believe

you almost lost control of the plane

because you were scarfing down a chicken leg.

I was hungry.

I hardly had any breakfast.

Those Grand Slams aren't nearly as big

as they look in the picture.

Would you stop eating for two minutes!

What is going on in here?

I can hear you guys halfway across the terminal!

Look, Brian, you better get it together, okay?

'Cause this is the last time I'm going to cover your butt.

And, uh, you might want to eat a salad every once in a while

or it's the last time anything's going to cover your butt.

I can't believe he said that.

Like I have a big butt.

Don't take this the wrong way, honey,

but you've got an ass the size of Trigger's.

Brian, listen to me.

We need to talk.

I think you have an eating problem.

That is ridiculous, an eating problem.

Here are those pizzas you ordered, sir.

I didn't order any pizzas.

Sure, you did, remember?

You told me if I was back in 30 minutes,

there was an extra 50 in it for me.

No, Budd, you misunderstood.

I didn't order (mumbling).

What?

Oh, right.

I ordered them, not Brian.

Well, I guess I'll just set my pizzas

here on the desk in case I want them later.

Okay, I'll see you, I'm going to get some lunch.

Brian, what is happening to you?

I mean, look at you.

You're wearing fat clothes.

What, this?

I just threw this on

because I left my jeans in the dryer

and they... shrunk.

Oh, that's fresh, the dryer did it.

Don't you remember who you're talking to?

This is "Helen, Helen, the watermelon."

I've been there, I know the signs.

I've had people pick up food for me.

I've hidden snacks around the house.

I even sent myself a candy-gram.

You can do that?

Oh!

Do you hear yourself?!

You're out of control.

Brian, you need help.

Listen, Helen, Helen.

Come on, I appreciate your concern,

but I'm fine.

Believe me, if I thought I had a problem,

I'd be the first one to cop to it.

I forgot my milk shakes.

I, uh... I guess I really hit bottom

at my son's sixth birthday party.

He and his little friends were sitting

around the living room, wondering,

"where's Daddy with the cake?"

Well, I'll tell you where Daddy was...

with the cake!

In the alley behind the house

with his face buried in "Happy Birthday, Timmy."

I told him I was mugged, but...

he could tell I was lying by the frosting on my neck.

God forgive me, I ate my little boy's birthday cake.

(sobbing)

Thank you, Lester.

Hey, do they go straight through

or do they break for a snack?

My goodness!

Could that be Helen Chappel?

We haven't seen you

in Lord knows how long.

Come on up, tell us how you've been.

Okay.

Hey.

Um, gosh,

it's hard to believe

how my life has turned around

since I first came to Eat-aholics.

Well, I guess the most important thing is

I lost 68 pounds and I kept it off.

Let's see, um... what else is happening in my life?

I have my own business now, and I'm doing very well.

(applauding less enthusiastically)

And... well, best of all,

a few months ago,

I married my childhood sweetheart,

the man of my dreams,

and I have never been happier.

WOMAN: Oh, who cares?!

MAN: Yeah, give somebody else a chance!

We're all thrilled to pieces for you, Helen.

Now sit down.

Oh! Uh, I see

we have a new face with us tonight.

Would you like to come up

and tell us a little bit about yourself?

Uh, who, m-me?

No, I don't think so.

Please. It always helps to talk about the problem.

But I-I don't have "the problem."

Yes, you have the problem.

Now get up there and talk about it.

Well, all right, I mean...

I don't have anything to say.

I don't belong here.

All right, I'm not a eat-aholic.

The only reason I came here

is because Helen made me.

I mean, y-you're all here for a reason--

obviously, uh, something happened in your lives,

and instead of facing up to it,

you ate a sheet cake!

Well, thank you, Brian.

And we appreciate...

I mean, what do you want me to say?

What do you want me to say?

My life, my life is terrific. It's terrific.

I got a cool job.

I'm working with my brother,

who, by the way, happens to be the one that married Helen.

Uh, nothing, nothing's changed.

Nothing's changed.

Okay, okay, so...

(chuckles)

so, Joe and I don't hang out...

as much as we used to.

All right.

Oh, and, and, okay,

so, so, we don't watch all-night Stooges

the way we used to.

And okay, so...

so Joe didn't come with me to the Mud Bowl this year.

He's a married man.

What do you expect?

Life goes on!

You deal with it.

Exactly.

And thank you again...

I mean, I know what you're thinking.

Let me just set the record straight.

You're wrong!

I don't feel left out,

I don't feel rejected,

I don't feel alone.

I'm Brian Hackett!

And I don't need anyone.

I fly solo.

Soup for one.

By myself and loving it!

So, save your sympathy for somebody who needs it.

I'm doing great!

See?

I told you, I had nothing to say.

Uh, excuse me.

I have to leave.

My sister's getting married tomorrow

and I have to pick up the cake.

(laughing)

(knocking on door)

Oh!

(knocking on door)

Yes?

Hi. I'm Casey Davenport.

I'm here for the interview.

Oh, right.

I would just like to say,

I am very excited about this job.

Uh-huh. Resume?

Oh, uh...

As you can see,

I've had quite a bit of experience

in the tourism field.

My ex-husband and I

used to travel the continent quite extensively

and I made all the arrangements.

You took vacations with your husband. So?

Well, they were very complex travel arrangements.

Stuart was very picky, and was allergic to everything.

You just try finding Sudafed in Budapest.

Thank you.

CURLY: Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo...

(laughing)

Oh!

That's the Three Stooges, isn't it?

Yeah.

You like Stooges?

You kidding?

I love Stooges!

Moe, Larry, Curly, Shemp--

you know, funny, funny Shemp.

I love Shemp.

And let's not forget Joe Besser,

although scholars debate whether he was an actual stooge.

I know.

I was on a panel once.

Well, there you go.

You know, it's a rare treat

to meet a woman who likes the Stooges.

You want to sit down and watch?

I'd love to.

(pretending to laugh)

Oh...

(blowing a raspberry)

Oh, Antonio, what on earth is the matter?

What do you think is the matter?

My feet are on fire.

These freakin' shoes...

made my feet swell so much,

I haven't been able to take the shoes off

for two days.

Well, you know, they say that fine leather

has to stretch and conform...

Lies!

Lies...

I paid a fortune for these shoes.

They're, they're just ruining my life.

I have a splitting headache...

double vision...

got this little, little blue line running up my leg.

That can't be good.

Oh, it's a shame, they're so stylish.

They really make you look sexy.

Sexy?

Really?

Maybe I'll give them a couple more days.

Hey.

Hey.

What's that?

Got something for you.

"Stooges, Stooges, Stooges:

A collection of nyucks from the Three Stooges."

Yeah.

I thought maybe, uh, if you're not busy later,

we could get together and watch them.

Helen told you about the meeting last night, huh?

Uh, yeah, she might have mentioned something

about you having a small breakdown

in front of some large people.

Listen, Joe, uh...

that was nothing, okay?

Had a small eating problem, but I talked it out

and I'm feeling much better now.

Hey, uh, Brian, I, uh, wanted to tell you...

My Chinese food is here.

Look, Brian, I think I know what this is about, all right?

I'm sorry that I canceled the Mud Bowl

and I'm sorry that I haven't been

hanging out with you as much as I used...

Hey, hey, hey, I understand, I understand.

You're a married man now.

Now, wa-wa-wait a minute, let me understand this.

Are you angry at me because I got married?

Of course not.

All right, maybe I am.

Well, Brian... No, no, no.

Listen, I know it's crazy, I know it's crazy, okay?

But when you and Helen got married,

something happened, something changed.

I used to be...

I used to be the person in your life

that was closest to you.

When they said "the Hacketts"

that meant us, and now they're talking about you and Helen.

And don't get me wrong, that's the way it should be, but...

where does it leave me, you know?

Look, you know, I can see how you feel a little left out,

but what do you want me to do--

divorce Helen, so I can spend more time with you?

Would you?

Okay, I, that's...

Of course I don't want you to do that.

You know I'm happy for you, Joey.

I really am.

I guess I'm just a little afraid

that I... I won't be able to find the same kind of happiness.

Excuse me, Brian, but, you know,

you have dated a lot of incredible women.

You're the one that always runs the other way.

Right, but that's because I could never be sure

if any one of them was the right one for me.

You're lucky.

You and Helen have been doing the childhood sweetheart thing

for... forever.

You always knew it was right.

Even when you hated each other, you loved each other.

I guess I am lucky.

You have your whole lifetimes ahead of you.

Your future is set.

Yeah, yeah, I guess it is.

And what do I have to look forward to?

I mean, jumping from one woman

to the next to the next to the next.

Moving from one meaningless sexual encounter to another...

while all the time,

you're home with Helen--

day in, day out,

for the next 50 years.

Yeah, 50 years.

No matter where you go or what you do,

Helen will be right there next to you

every day for the rest of your life.

Yeah, every day.

You got any duck sauce?

And where will I be, huh?

Yeah, I'll probably be some, uh, old codger

with a 20 year old on his arm.

Yeah, just my luck,

I'll probably die of a heart attack during sex,

while you

and old, reliable Helen

will be sitting there on your porch,

rocking back and forth, back and forth...

You didn't get any spare ribs?

Joey, uh...

I got to admit it,

I was a little afraid to talk to you about all this,

but, uh...

well, why should I have worried?

I can talk to you about anything, always could.

I don't know why I felt so alone.

Thanks.

Don't mention it.

Oh, pot stickers.

I'll see you later.

Where are you going?

Where do you think?

I'm going to go to the gym, you know?

You want to come with me?

No, no.

I got a lot of paperwork to do.

Hey, Brian, by the way.

That's a nice outfit.

Where can I get something like that?

(chuckling)

(silly music plays)

So, uh...

Congratulations, the job is yours.

Thank you.

And you'll be here

Monday morning, 8:00 sharp?

Sure will.

What was that?

I mean...

(imitating Stooge): Why, soitainly!