Original subtitles

Hey, Helen? Hmm?

Did you finish that inventory?

We're supposed to meet the insurance adjuster in an hour.

Yep, I'm done.

Here's what I lost in the fire.

"Everything."

Yup, that about sums her up.

Helen, you've got to be more specific than "everything."

You might want to take this

just a little more seriously, my friend.

Well, Joe, how can I remember everything I owned?

Well, they say what you're supposed to do

is take pictures of all your possessions,

save them with the receipts,

write down the serial numbers, and store them

in a strongbox able to withstand 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit.

Yeah, right, Joe, like any sane person would do that.

(metallic tapping)

I know what you're thinking.

Oh, I don't think you do.

"What if something happens to the box, Joe?"

Well, I will have you know that I've uploaded

all of that information onto the internet,

so if the world blows up tomorrow,

I can prove that I had a Flowbee.

Now guess what I'm thinking.

Good morning, Antonio.

Would you like some coffee?

What's the point, Fay?

Well, I know it's not for everybody,

but it certainly gives me a buzz.

No, no, no, I meant...

I... I can't go on like this.

I have a dead-end job, no relationship.

My life is hopeless.

There's only one thing I can do.

Oh, no, don't do it, Antonio.

There must be other options.

I wish there were, but... I have no choice.

I'm going back to Edna.

(gasps): Oh, no!

Not the big-face girl.

Oh, but how do you know

she's not involved with someone else?

Fay...

Oh, yeah.

Uh, well, um, are you sure you want to do this?

Want has nothing to do with it.

She is my fate.

But you know what?

Now that I have accepted my destiny,

I feel oddly at peace.

Uh... I better go.

It's time to face the face.

Ooh! Brian, got a minute?

A minute?

Well, that's pushing it, but I'm game.

What? Uh, no!

No, I didn't mean that.

What are we doing?

Well, right now, nothing.

We just wasted 15 seconds.

There goes cuddling.

No... no, no, no.

What's going on between us?

Oh...

sex.

I mean, is that all you would call it?

No, frequent, loveless, self-destructive sex.

Exactly.

We're completely out of control.

We are no better than animals.

We certainly are.

Animals can't operate video equipment.

All right, what do you want to do then?

Well, maybe we should see

if we've got more going for us than just sex.

Oh, geez, you're going to ruin it now.

What do you think

about maybe possibly going out sometime?

What, you mean, like on a, uh... a date?

Well, yeah.

A date? (snorts)

Ah, what the hell?

It's not going to kill me.

All right, we'll grab a burger later.

No, no, you have to take me out for a nice dinner,

and that means ordering from a waiter

not talking into the face of a clown,

much like I'm doing now.

Okay, okay, Casey, you're right, I'm sorry.

Um... Casey, if you're free tonight,

would you care to join me for dinner?

Yes, Brain, I would love to.

Okay, great, how about 8:00, huh?

Or better yet...

I'll meet you ten minutes early.

We can tear one off before dinner.

FAY: Oh, Joe,

you're here, good-- the man from the insurance company

is waiting in your office.

Oh, great, thanks, Fay.

All right, Helen, let's go over our strategy one more time.

When he asks about receipts, what do you say?

That I kept detailed records,

but, unfortunately, they were destroyed in the fire.

Right. If that doesn't work?

"My kitty ran away," and I burst into tears.

Good. Okay, let me see that lower lip quiver

one more time.

Oh, come on!

Helen, you call that crying?

I am telling you, one tear is going to be the difference

between original cost and replacement value.

Trying to squeeze a little money

out of your insurance company, huh?

I got a little shortcut you might be interested in.

Feast your eyes on these babies.

What are these?

Receipts.

Some people collect stamps, some do needlepoint.

I counterfeit my own receipts.

This one is for a video camera.

Notice the craftsmanship,

the subtle aging around the edges.

I do my own distressing.

So what do you want?

I got Walkmans, I got Watchmans, I got Discmans,

I got washers, I got dryers...

You got big screens? I got big screens.

I got Mitsubishi, I got Toshiba...

Sony? I need Sony.

Sony I got.

I was just browsing.

Come on, let's get this thing over with.

All right, now, just stay cool, follow my lead

and remember, these guys are ruthless.

They'll stiff you just as soon as look at you.

Phil!

Surprise!

Hey, Helen, look, our old friend Phil

is handling our insurance claim.

Isn't that great?

Great? It's fantastic.

Phil, we are sure lucky you showed up.

Well, hey, it is always great to see friends.

Okay, let's get down to business.

Okay, um...

Here's my inventory list.

Where are your receipts?

Hmm?

Receipts.

Actually Helen just wrote down

the estimated value of each item. Right there.

Okay, let's see what you got here.

300 bucks for a cameo pin.

Yeah, well, it's an antique

that's been in my family for generations.

Got a receipt?

Well, my grandmother gave it to me

on her deathbed.

No receipt-- 30 bucks.

Moving on.

Um...

Phil, um, did I mention to you

that, um... my kitty ran away?

And he was so beautiful, and I loved him so much,

and he had the cutest little smushed-in face.

Got a receipt?

Right.

You want what for a color television?

A hundred bucks.

Oh, come on, Phil.

We watched the Super Bowl on that TV.

It was a great TV.

Remember you got so excited,

I had to Heimlich that cheesepuff

out of your windpipe?

I saved your life.

Too bad you didn't save your receipts.

(Roy clears throat)

Oh! Look what I found.

A receipt for my laser disc player.

Oh, really? Boy, that's great.

And I bet there's plenty more where that came from.

ROY: You betchum.

That's odd.

The name of the store isn't on this.

Where did you buy it?

I got it at, um... Laser Discs 'N Stuff.

I never heard of that store. Where is it?

It's, uh, you know, Phil, down by the hardware store...

Knobs 'N Things.

Ever heard of insurance fraud 'n stuff?

Look, this is just a preliminary estimate, but, uh...

based on the minimum allowance for contents

and our previous appraisal of your house, there is no way

we're going to be able to do better than... this.

Hey...

it has been great seeing you two again.

It really, really, really has.

I got to run, but, uh,

let's get together again real soon, okay?

Bye, kids.

Can you believe that guy?

I should have left that cheesepuff in his throat.

Now, wait, Joe.

Before we look at this, let's remember

money is not important.

What's important is that you and I are together.

Yeah, you're right, you're right.

I got a little carried away before.

Whatever it is, we'll get through it together.

Yeah, of course we will.

We're rich, we're rich, we're rich. We're rich, we're rich.

Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching, ching...

Hi.

Hi!

Well, I want to thank you for a lovely evening last night.

No, I want to thank you!

(sighs)

Hey, I tried.

Okay? At least I picked out

an elegant French restaurant for us.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah-- Chez Pay-Up-the-Wazoo.

Well, I'm sorry it wasn't as classy as your choice--

Toby's House of Weiners!

Hey, you watch what you say about Toby.

He named a bratwurst after me.

Let's face it.

This is a total waste of time.

We have absolutely nothing in common.

Less than nothing.

Yeah, and if we have nothing in common,

we can't date.

Mmm, there's a tragedy.

And if we can't date,

we certainly cannot sleep together anymore.

Hey!

That's just crazy talk.

Come on, there's got to be

something we have in common-- think, think, think.

Okay... um, I know!

Romantic walks on moonlit beaches.

Forget it.

Last time I was on one, some guy stole my pants.

Okay, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Disneyland, huh?

Everybody loves Disneyland.

Not me. Oh, come on.

What's not to like about Disneyland?

I recently had a recovered memory

about Jiminy Cricket.

Hey, I have Tinker Bell issues,

but I don't let it ruin the whole park for me.

Oh, Antonio.

I have a message for you.

Edna called and said

she had the most wonderfully romantic evening last night.

Goodness, what did you two do?

Uh, we heated up leftovers,

and then she watched while I paid bills.

Well, I heard of low-maintenance girlfriends, but wow.

You should see how her big face lights up

when she sees me.

It's like looking into the sun.

Well, I'm glad it's going so well.

Yeah, thank you.

Ah, well...

it's starting to get dark.

Soon it will be time to pick up Edna.

Hey, there, Fay.

Isn't it a great day?

It's just one of those days

when everything feels right with the world.

Oh, yeah.

I heard you scored a fat insurance check.

Maybe that's it.

So I know the feeling.

I got a beaut after each of my Georges died.

Of course...

nothing could make up for the loss,

but those zeros sure take the edge off.

Oh, yes. Yes, they do.

Well, but I mean, we're still going to try to be smart

with this money.

After all, we have to rebuild a house.

Well, yeah, and by the way, where's Helen?

I haven't seen her all day.

She went to Boston this morning.

She's going to replace a few things she lost in the fire.

Oh, yes, she's on that initial high you get

when you receive a hefty settlement.

When I got my first one,

I ran right out and bought a mink coat.

Of course, I had to hock it a week later

when I found out George hadn't paid taxes since 1963.

Hot enough for you down there, George?

What?

When?

How did...

Why?

Helen!

I paid you extra and I want it here today.

Okay, now, that's better.

Oh, good news, Joe.

The Shetland pony will be here in an hour.

Shetland pony?

Helen, I thought you were just gonna get a few necessities.

Oh, I did.

What, a canoe?

A giant gumball machine?

We don't even play the piano.

You don't have to. Listen.

(playing "Isn't It Romantic?")

I can't believe you are throwing away our insurance money

on all this useless stuff.

You know what your problem is...

is you need to relax.

Sit down in this massage chair.

Helen, I'm serious.

(voice shaking): You are being so irresponsible.

I don't know what's gotten into...

Oh... oh, yeah.

Oh...

There's an optional foot massage.

Uh, no.

Helen, really, come on. What is going on?

You're totally out of control.

Come on, Joe, live a little, spend a buck.

Spend a buck?

Do you know what the money is for?

We've got to build a house.

I'm sorry,

but you are just going to have to return...

almost all of this stuff.

I ain't returning nothing.

Oh, like hell you're not.

Excuse me, are you telling me what to do?

Well, in your dreams, baby.

I'm am not going to let you blow our entire insurance check.

Our check?

My house burned down!

It's my money,

and I can do whatever the hell I want to with it.

And if that means buying the Statue of Liberty

and using it as a lawn jockey that's what I'm going to do.

Where are you going?

To Sharper Image.

They're holding my portable steam room.

Damn.

(playing "Isn't It Romantic?")

Oh, just forget it.

No-- no!

I refuse to believe that we have nothing in common.

Okay, movies.

Casablanca.

Everybody loves that movie.

Never seen it.

You've never seen Casablanca?

Black and white, Nazis.

It's a chick movie.

Casablanca was a great film.

Oh, I love it.

I always cry at the end.

Chocolate. Vanilla.

Addams Family. Munsters.

Parcheesi. Yahtzee.

Coffee. Tea.

Boy, I love coffee.

Do you know what I just discovered?

Frapaccinos.

You mean those frozen coffee drinks? Oh...

I live for them.

There's a new place on the island that makes them.

We should go there sometime.

Oh, I'd love to.

I'll call you.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

Water!

I mean, how could you not like water?

Well, it tastes funny and it makes me bloated.

Oh, that's it, forget it.

I mean, we have absolutely nothing in common.

You know what, I am sorry we ever brought up

this whole dating thing. Hey, well, I told you.

Didn't I tell you, you were going to ruin everything?

Now we have nothing.

You're right. I agree with you.

You happy?

Wait a second.

Did we just agree on something?

Oh... um, yeah, I think we did.

Fay, have you seen Helen?

I don't think she's come in yet.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I just got a stiff neck.

I slept in a canoe last night.

Why in the world would you sleep in a canoe?

The pony had the couch.

Look, never mind.

Fay, I don't know who Helen is anymore.

Ever since she got that money,

she has been going nuts.

She won't listen to me, and I can't talk to her.

I don't know what to do.

This is just the first crisis in your marriage

and you just have to hang in there

and weather the storm.

She can't get her hands on the business, can she?

Roy, have you seen Helen?

Helen? Yeah.

She took my 8:00 to New York.

She said she was going to Harrington's auction house.

An auction?

Oh, my God.

I've got to stop her.

Hurry up before she wipes us out.

I begged him to sign a pre-nup.

$4,000. Going once.

Going twice.

Sold.

And Elton John's silver lame platform shoes go to number 32.

Yes!

(light applause)

Damn, I wanted those.

Oh, what are you complaining about?

You got Meatloaf's treadmill.

Ladies and gentlemen, our next item up is an American classic

from that popular TV program of the '60s--

hey, hey, it's the Monkee Mobile.

(crowd oohs)

AUCTIONEER: The bidding starts

at $7,000.

Seven thousand dollars.

No, Helen, no, don't bid on that.

Joe, what are you doing here?

MAN: $8,000.

Honey, I think you have a serious problem.

Yeah, I will if I loose the Monkee Mobile.

$9,000.

I have $9,000 from that daydream believer.

Could we at least

just go outside and talk about this in private.

Later, Joe.

Helen, why would you want the Monkee Mobile?

Oh, because I lost the Partridge Family bus.

And besides, I love the Monkees.

I'm just a huge fan of theirs.

$10,000.

HELEN: And if that jerk would stop bidding against me

the car would be mine.

$11,000.

Helen, honey, that jerk happens to be Peter Tork.

Yeah, who's he?

I have $11,000.

Do I hear 12?

$12,000.

$13,000.

I'm really sorry about my wife.

I don't know what's gotten into her.

I used to have a Monkees lunch box.

Big deal.

We got squat from those things.

$14,000.

$15,000.

Oh, my God.

$16,000.

Look, excuse me.

This car means a lot to me.

What could it possibly mean to you?

This car represents

a very special time in my life.

I've wanted to own it for a long, long time.

And now, with a few smart business deals

and a pizza commercial,

I have the extra cash to buy it.

Please, won't you let me have it?

Oh, for God's sake, honey,

let the man have his Monkee Mobile.

I don't think so.

$20,000.

$24,000.

JOE: This is ridiculous.

You don't need that stupid car.

Sir, please-- I'm trying to conduct an auction.

Just hold on one minute.

Joe, give me back the paddle.

No, I'm not going to give this back to you

until you tell me why you're buying all this stuff.

Because.

Because why, Helen, why?

Because... Because...

because I need some stuff.

Why do you need stuff?

Because... I don't know.

(voice cracks): 'Cause all my stuff was destroyed in the fire.

My house and my belongings and my whole life.

What do you mean your life?

We have a life.

That's Helen Hackett.

I lost Helen Chappel in the fire:

My journals and my photo albums

and the blanket

that my mom brought me home from the hospital in.

And that little charm bracelet

that I was going to give to our daughter someday.

All that stuff's gone, Joe.

I don't have any of it left.

AUCTIONEER: Ladies and gentlemen, fair warning.

We're at $24,000.

That's the last bid to Clarksville.

Do I hear 25?

Honey, if it means that much to you, then...

$24,000 going once...

going twice.

Sold to number 28.

(light applause)

Are you okay?

Yes.

Honey, I know you lost a lot,

but you didn't lose everything.

You still have me.

I know, I'm so sorry.

It's all right, it's okay.

Remember?

For richer or for poorer...

and hopefully, we won't get any poorer.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our next item up for bid

is Mick Jagger's leather jacket from the Sticky Fingers tour.

Hey, thanks for letting me have the Monkee Mobile.

Sure, enjoy it.

I just hope you're as big a fan as I am.

Okay, Edna, now you've seen where I work.

I'm just going to go to the bathroom,

then we'll get out of here.

(shudders): Oh...

Well, hello, dear.