Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Is that one of those

"Draw this dog, go to art school" dealies?

No, I'm just sketching.

I found it's a great way to relax and unwind.

(whistles softly) Boy, those are good, Casey.

I didn't know you had hidden talents.

You know, I do, too.

Come here.

What?

Come here. I want to show you something.

I've never taken this out in public before.

I call it... "My Big Buddy."

(screaming)

Shh! Will you shush? Relax!

It's a book.

Oh.

Oh, My Big Buddy, by Roy Biggins.

You wrote a book?

It's a children's book.

It's the heartwarming story of Ray Wiggins,

a husky, misunderstood youngster

who learns to overcome the hurtful taunts

of his nasty and emaciated classmates.

I sent it around

to a bunch of publishers.

They all said it needed illustrations.

You draw pretty good.

What do you say?

Oh, no. I don't think I... No, no, please, no.

Look, Casey, before you say no, just read a couple of chapters.

Please?

Well, I guess it wouldn't kill me.

Thank you.

Oh, hey. Oh, Casey, listen,

I was thinking of renting a movie tonight. You interested?

No, I can't. I'm busy.

I'm reading a children's book that Roy wrote.

Children's book.

Roy wrote.

Okay. That's great. That's fine.

Oh, I-I forgot.

I'm busy, too.

Fay's opening on Broadway tonight in Evita.

Hey! Good morning, Antonio.

Morning.

What? What's wrong?

Nothing.

Oh, come on.

I've flushed goldfish perkier than you.

Well, if you must know,

I went out with Edna last night.

The big-face girl?

Brian, stop calling her

the big-face girl

just because her face happens to be kind of big.

Okay, it's very big.

All right, it's the size of a satellite dish.

But she has a name, and it is Edna...

...the big-face girl.

Well, it doesn't matter what you call her.

It's over between us.

So then what are you so down about?

It must be like having a great, great weight

lifted off your shoulder.

So, uh...

how'd you break the news to her--

over the phone or face to...?

Actually...

she dumped me.

She said I...

said I...

she said I didn't satisfy her sexually.

She said that she faked her orgasms.

Can you believe that?

She faked her orgasms!

Antonio...

I'm really sorry.

I really hate to see you like this.

Well, I better go home.

I-I just want to get rid of any trace of Edna.

Maybe one of you could help me.

She's got a retainer that takes two guys.

Come on, buddy.

We're not going to let you go home and just wallow.

That's right, that's right. You, me and Joe,

we're going to hit The Club Car.

Come on, boys' night out. What do you say?

Don't you think I know what you're doing.

You don't really want to go out with me.

You're only offering because you think I'm pathetic

and you feel sorry for me.

8:00 okay?

Do you see Antonio here?

No. I guess he's not here yet.

Oh, man, what a meat market.

I do not miss this scene at all.

Yeah. Me, either.

I was here for happy hour.

How you doing?

(phone rings)

Hello.

Hi, honey.

How do they know?

They know.

Yeah?

Okay. Yeah. I'll pick up... right.

Milk. Eggs. Anything else?

Oh, come on.

I hate buying those things.

All right. Okay.

I'll see you later.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Excuse me. Are either one of you guys named Dave?

No. Speak for yourself.

Uh, I'm Joe, this is Brian.

I'm Heather.

A friend of mine set me up on a date with this guy, Dave.

I've waited for over an hour, but I guess I've been stood up.

Heather, how would you like to meet a really great guy?

Don't over-sell me.

We've got this friend named Antonio.

Antonio? What's he got to do with it? Brian...

You know, you were never lucky for me here.

Just, listen, Heather, um... Antonio's girlfriend

just broke up with him.

He's really feeling low

so, since you're alone, he's alone

maybe you could just...

you know, have a drink with him.

It would really mean a lot.

Sure, why not?

I'm already here.

Oh, that's great. Thank you very much.

It's really nice of you.

Oh, listen, he's here.

Don't tell him it was our idea, okay?

Got it. Thanks.

Hey, there he is.

I just came in to tell you

I'm not staying.

Come on, what are you talking about? What?

It's too depressing to be all around these women,

especially knowing I don't have a shot with any of them.

Hi. Hi.

Anyway, I'm just going to go home.

I've, uh...

I've started a new Miss Marple,

and I want to see how it turns out.

Excuse me.

I don't mean to eavesdrop,

but I just love your accent.

It's Italian, isn't it?

She talking to me?

I think so.

Please say something in Italian.

Ho parcato davanti l'idrante.

Spero che non venga trainata.

That's so romantic.

What does it mean?

"I parked in front of a hydrant.

I hope I..."

I hope I don't get towed."

I hope so, too.

My name is Heather.

Um...

Antonio.

Antonio.

Well, nice meeting you.

Antonio, would you like to have a drink?

What do you mean?

Would you like to have a drink... with me?

What do you mean?

Antonio. Antonio.

I think this lady would like to have a drink with you.

You guys read into everything.

Come on.

Look at him over there.

(laughing) JOE: I know, man.

I haven't seen Antonio this happy since he found out

he didn't make enough money to pay income taxes.

All right, uh... I'll just, um,

I'll just bring the car around, then.

Okay. I'll be right out.

Right.

Uh, listen, guys, uh...

I'm going to take off, so...

Heather and I are going to go for a little, uh...

stroll on the beach.

Really. Great.

What can I say?

I mean, you saved my life.

We did a good thing.

We did a great thing.

We are good friends.

We're great friends.

Hi, guys.

Hey. Heather,

we cannot thank you enough for what you did for Antonio.

Yeah, we really owe you.

Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

What do you mean?

My rate is $300 a night.

Your rate for what?

You mean...?

You're a...?

(phone rings)

Hi, honey.

Well, what did you think of...

My Big Buddy?

Come on, come on.

I can take it.

Roy, your book is very, very touching.

Oh, I knew it!

Oh, I knew it was good. I knew it.

You really captured how painful it can be

to grow up as an overweight child.

I'll never forget the part where that bully Frank

made Big Buddy cry in front of the whole school yard.

It's... It's... oh, um...

"Though he tried all he could

"to hold back his fears,

he just couldn't stop the flow of his tears."

That is very moving, Roy.

I can't wait to read the rest.

Thank you. Oh.

I just hope that I can inspire

metabolically challenged youngsters everywhere.

If I can bring a smile

to just one little Hershey-stained face...

so, did you talk to Antonio?

Is he in yet?

I haven't seen him.

Brian, I cannot believe what we did last night.

We... we-we bought a woman.

Don't-Don't... Don't say it like that.

We did not buy a woman.

We rented one.

Uh, Joe...

this $300 entry in the check register

for a Heather James.

You didn't write down what it was for.

Uh, Fay, that's not "Heather James."

That's...

"heater jammed."

It's a repair bill.

Well, you got ripped off.

I could have unjammed the heater for a lot less than 300 bucks.

I-I-I don't think so, Fay.

This particular heater was really, really jammed.

Nonsense.

Next time, save your money.

Just call me.

Sometimes all it takes is one good yank.

Hey!

Hey. Hey.

Last night was unbelievable.

Antonio, we don't need the details.

For once in my life, I've got details

and you're going to hear them.

So, after Heather and I left The Club Car,

we drove to the most romantic stretch of beach on the island.

We walked and talked till about 4:00 in the morning,

and then, I took her back to my place.

And?

She went to bed, and I crashed on the couch.

You mean, you-you... you didn't sleep with her?

Please. She's not that kind of girl.

We made a real connection last night.

I think it's going to be even better

when I see her again tonight.

Tonight? You're going to see her again?

Well, I sure plan to.

Oh, in fact, I need to use your phone

because I've got to see if she's up yet.

Call her.

Antonio, you can't see that woman anymore.

Why not?

Relationships turn sour.

Love fades.

Exactly. Exactly.

You want to end this now while it's still a beautiful thing

and everyone's still in the black...

emotionally.

I get it.

You guys are just giving Antonio the business.

Yeah, we're giving everybody the business.

You heard what he said-- he's going to go out with her again.

What are we going to do now?

How am I supposed to know?

It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

Oh, yes, and what were you thinking

shoving that woman in his face?

Oh, come on...

How was I supposed to know she was a hooker?

I'm married. My radar's down.

Hi, Brian, hi Joe.

Shh.

No names.

I have to get back to Boston.

If you see Antonio, say good-bye for me.

Heather, Heather, uh...

There's something I think you should know.

Antonio wants to see you again tonight.

As a matter of fact,

he's in there right now trying to call you.

Sure, why not?

He's a nice guy, and I'm free tonight.

Now when you say free...

you don't by any chance mean no charge?

You're businessmen. You own an airline.

Do you fly people at no charge?

Well, we do have a frequent flyer program.

Oh, Heather.

Heather, I was just trying to call you.

There you are.

Listen, um, I-I had such a good time last night, you know.

Me, too.

Really? That's great.

So then how about going out to dinner tonight?

Tonight?

Oh, let me think.

Am I available tonight?

I'm sorry, Antonio.

I can't tonight.

Oh, okay. Uh...

Okay, well, how about tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night?

I'm sorry.

I see.

I... I understand.

Well, for a minute there, I thought maybe...

But what was I...

what was I thinking? I guess...

It was very nice to meet...

Good-bye then.

Joey, come on, look at him. I know, I know, I know.

It's like... Okay, okay, but this is the last time.

Heather,

tell him it's okay.

Antonio,

I'm canceling my plans.

I would love to have dinner with you tonight.

You would? Really?

That's great.

Then it's a date.

A date?

You and her?

I've got an idea-- why don't you two join us?

We could all go out together.

Sure, I'd love to.

No, no, no.

We don't want any part of that.

I mean... you don't want us there.

Don't be foolish.

Surely it'll be fun.

Heather, you up for a foursome?

So, Heather, what do you do for a living?

Honey, isn't that a little bit personal?

I just asked her what she did...

Whoa, what is this, an inquisition?

It's okay, I'm very proud of what I do.

I'm...

Come on.

...in public relations.

Are you on something?

Public relations.

Wow, that sounds really exciting.

How could I get into something like that?

(coughing)

Start having relations with the public.

(pager beeping)

Ooh. Oh, I have to get this.

Excuse me, Antonio.

Okay, well, don't be long.

I am so happy for you, Antonio.

She is just lovely.

JOE: I don't know, Antonio.

I really think you should go back to the big-face...

to Edna.

Are you out of your mind?

Heather is beautiful, she's... she's smart.

And when we walk on the beach,

her head doesn't affect the tide.

In fact, I'm thinking of asking her

to come with me to Italy to meet my family.

Are you nuts?

I've got it all planned out.

I'm going to take her to the mountains

overlooking my village

and there, as the sun sets over the spire of Santa Lucia

I'm going to ask her to be my bride.

Antonio, you are making a big mistake.

I say go for it. Push, push, push, push.

Lock it in. Put a ring on her finger.

Have her sign a paper. Just...

Hey, you finished the book, didn't you?

Oh, great. Let me see the pictures.

Roy, I can't draw Big Buddy for you.

What?

Why not?

Well, in later chapters,

Big Buddy... tends to get a little strange.

What do you mean, strange?

Like where?

Like... well, like...

here.

"Big Buddy could take no more

so he split Frank's skull with a 2x4."

What's wrong with that?

Roy, you're telling children

that they can solve their problems with violence.

I mean, if Big Buddy is upset,

why doesn't he just tell a school counselor or something?

Maybe he did.

Maybe nothing ever happens

when you go talk to the counselor.

Don't you see that's what's great about this book.

Big Buddy takes action.

Oh, yeah, he takes action, all right.

"Then, firing up his trusty saw

"he slashed right through the bully's jaw.

"They picked on Big Buddy once too often

so he sent them all home in a great, big coffin."

Roy...

...seek help.

Okay, let's see.

Uh, a month in Italy--

if Antonio doesn't go too crazy--

comes to roughly 20 grand.

Great. We'll just call the bank

and ask for one of their low-interest hooker loans.

Listen, listen, I know it's crazy,

but just imagine what will happen

when we have to tell Antonio the truth

about the love of his life.

It will kill him.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless he meets another woman.

What other woman?

We hire someone.

Do you just talk,

or do you ever actually listen to yourself?

Usually just talk.

(knocking on door)

Yeah?

Hi, guys.

Got your page.

What's up?

Heather, Antonio is going to ask you

to go to Italy with him.

Well, it can't be before the 15th,

and I'll have to be back by the 26th,

but it sounds like fun.

Well, here's the really fun part.

Uh, he's going to ask you to marry him.

Oh.

Heather, what-what should we do here?

Have you got any ideas?

Look, you seem like nice guys,

but this really isn't my problem.

I... I'm sorry.

There's my angel.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

Listen, I need to ask you something.

Antonio, before you do,

Brian and I have something we need to say.

Guys? Please.

All right, but just remember--

everything we did, we did out of love.

Uh, Heather, um, listen.

I-I-I-I know we haven't known each other very long,

but, uh, you have touched my heart

in a way no one has for a long, long time,

which is why I want to ask you something.

Um...

will you... uh, come with me to my native Italy?

Well?

What do you say?

I'm a hooker.

(laughing)

Beautiful and funny.

What a package.

I'm a prostitute, Antonio.

When-when-when- when-when-when-

when you say you're a prostitute

you mean that, as a PR person

you-you sometimes have to compromise yourself.

Hey, it's the same in the cabby game.

I mean that men pay me for my services.

Me, too. Most of my fares are men.

I have sex with them.

That's where we differ.

So, you...

You really are...

Yes.

Yes, I am.

(pager beeping)

Um, sorry, Antonio.

I... you know...

I got an appointment in Boston.

I... I got to go.

Would that be...

uh... that be a hair appointment?

You know what?

Maybe we'd better put off that trip to Italy.

Wait. Wait. I-I just have to ask you something

and be honest with me, okay?

In all the time we've been together,

you never asked me for money.

Why you didn't try to charge me?

You sure you want the truth?

Yeah.

Because once in a while...

...I meet a guy who is so sweet

he makes me forget what I do for a living.

So, uh, Antonio, what did Heather have to say?

Did our names come up?

Why would they?

No reason.

It's, uh... it's over between us, you know.

She's... too career-oriented for me.

Huh. Well, geez, I'm sorry that things didn't work out.

Well, you know, in a way, they did,

because if I can get a great woman like that,

you know what that means?

I'm back, baby.

Oh, you sure are.

Hey, you never left.

What do you say we hit The Club Car tonight?

Hey, great idea. I'm sure there's plenty of women

that would love to meet a guy like you.

You're going to have to fight them off.

I'll bring the checkbook.