Original subtitles

Hey, Roy.

Hey, Mather.

How was your vacation?

Oh, it was great.

There's nothing like seeing America.

It's no wonder it's the greatest country

on the planet.

It's just a celebration of the world's cultures,

mingling together in a magnificent tapestry.

Whoa, where did you go?

Dollywood.

You spent two weeks in Dollywood?

I spent a day in New York

and a day in Washington, D.C.

Waste o'time.

I tell you, you haven't lived until you've seen

the great Smoky Mountains.

So Dolly was there.

Listen, Roy, let me tell you something.

Dolly Parton represents

what's best about this country.

Dirt-poor kid from Pigeon Forge

who goes on to be a great star

that entertains millions of people.

And all you can talk about

are the size of her breasts?

Oh, shame on you, Roy.

All right, all right, all right, I'm sorry.

That's more like it.

I brought you a souvenir, though.

That's what America's all about, man.

Good morning.

Say, uh, you notice anything different

about me today?

No, you're late, you didn't shave--

what else is new?

Well, that's funny

'cause actually, I was going to shave

but someone stole my razor and clogged it

with all his disgusting little Joe hairs.

All right, first of all,

you know the code I live by:

Never share toiletries.

And second of all, would you get out of my face.

You're not the only one who's having a bad morning.

Why, what's the matter?

Someone stole my tangelo.

Yeah, well, don't look at me.

What the hell's a tangelo?

What's a tangelo?

A tangelo...

it's half tangerine and half orange

so it peels like a tangerine

but it's juicy like an orange,

so you get the best of both worlds.

You're a bizarre little man.

Oh, Helen's not here yet?

I'm starving.

All we had in the fridge was some kind of mutant orange.

That was my tangelo.

What did you do with it?

Well, it was ugly; I threw it out.

Who gave you the right to touch my tangelo?

Excuse me, I didn't see a sign on it

that said "Joe's ugly fruit."

You watch it! Hey, take it easy.

You're blowing this way out of proportion.

There's not need to... uh, uh...

You shaved this morning, didn't you?

Are you nuts?

My brother asked you a question.

Well, yeah, if you must know

I shaved my legs this morning.

With what?

With Helen's razor.

Oh, that wasn't Helen's razor.

That was my razor.

How was I supposed to know it was yours?

It looks like a girlie razor.

It kind of does, Brian.

All right, who did it?

Did what?

Broke my blow-dryer.

I found it in the garbage can next to a razor

and that creepy fruit Joe eats.

Oh, Casey...

your hair sure looks silky smooth.

Oh, you like that?

I just woke up this morning and there it was.

Oh...

really?

Well, then explain this.

What's that?

This is a bunch of your hair

I found wrapped around the motor

choking the life out of it.

All right, all right,

I broke your blow-dryer.

What is the big deal?

I've had that blow-dryer since high school.

It has two speeds.

I loved that blow-dryer.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Look, since we're all living in my house,

I think it's obvious that we need to make a few rules.

Oh, Brian, why are we living in your house?

Yeah, Brian, why do we no longer have a house?

What, that fire thing?

Move on; I have.

Ah, great.

Mather, hey, Mather.

Get out here.

Yeah, Roy.

I need you to get your butt over to Logan.

One of my planes is on a runway

with a busted fuel pump.

And would you take that stupid Dollywood hat off?

You... you going to Boston?

I'll go with you.

We could make a night of it.

You know, catch a movie, have a dinner.

I know a place that makes these incredible hot wings.

Sorry, Scarpacci, there's no room on that flight.

No, no, no, no, no, no...

You don't understand, Roy.

See, I mean, you know, my life right now

is not exactly a Mardi Gras, you know?

And, uh...

I think I could really use a nice hot wing.

What can I tell you?

The flight is booked.

Okay, here's how it is.

My-My life is a black sinkhole of despair.

I... I don't want a hot wing, I need a hot wing.

Because the only thing stopping me

from taking the header off of that control tower

is a lousy little piece of chicken!

Sounds like the man needs a wing.

Don't you have even an ounce of compassion?

All right, all right.

I'll squeeze you in. All right.

Bless you.

Compassion.

Nobody says that Roy Biggins does not have compassion.

Sorry, lady, that flight's booked.

One of them's going to have to stay behind.

Hey, baby.

Your husband is a genius.

You know how horrible it's been

living with Brian and Casey?

Well, I have come up with the perfect solution.

You rented that cute little cottage down at the beach.

What, are you nuts?

That place costs a fortune.

No. No, no, no.

I got us a label maker.

I guess the honeymoon's over right about now.

No, no, no, you don't understand.

This baby right here is a Brother P-touch.

Now, all that confusion the other morning

with Brian and Casey will never happen again

because we can put labels on all our belongings.

See?-- "Joe's wife."

"Joe's wife."

"Joe's wi..." That's not funny.

ROY: Mather, where the hell have you been?

You were supposed to be back here yesterday.

You better have a good excuse why you're this late

or you're fired.

I saw a man get murdered

and spent the night with the police.

Clean out your locker and get the hell out of here.

What? You saw a murder?

JOE: Are you all right, Lowell?

What happened, Lowell?

Well, Antonio took me to his hot wing place.

And he was right, they make a mighty fine hot wing,

if you like a good hot wing, and I do.

Lowell.

Anyhoo, about halfway through our second bucket,

Antonio got up to go to the bathroom.

Well, run was more like it.

See, they have three types of sauce, you know.

They got hot, extra hot and gangway.

So, Antonio's in the bathroom.

Well, this big galoot walks in, goes up to the table next to me,

pulls out a gun and blows this guy nose-first

into his bucket of HWs.

I tell you, it wasn't a pretty sight.

It was all I could do to finish my rice pudding.

Wait, Antonio, you didn't see any of this?

I was in the bathroom.

Trust me, I had my own problems.

So, a few minutes later the police showed up

and they took me down to the station house.

While I got cuffed and booked on suspicion.

Why did they arrest you?

The cops said when I came out of the bathroom,

I had a disoriented look on my face.

Well, what happened next?

Well, you know, based on my description of the killer,

they put together a lineup and I picked the guy right out.

Lowell, the important thing is you're okay.

JOE: Yeah, oh, man.

Oh, my God.

Look at this.

"Gangland slaying in South Boston restaurant.

Unnamed witness fingers Mob boss."

HELEN: Oh, Lowell.

I'm glad I didn't witness that one.

That guy's screwed.

(plane flying overhead)

(hammering)

Mr. Mather?

Yeah.

My name is Michael Foster.

I'd like to talk to you about what you saw yesterday.

Okay.

I'm an attorney.

I represent Bobby Lasko.

Oh, you mean the murderer?

The alleged murderer.

Yeah, you say potato...

Let me get to the point, Mr. Mather.

Is it possible that you didn't see

what you think you saw yesterday?

You mean, the part about your client

shooting that guy at point-blank range? Yeah.

No, I saw it.

May I suggest that, uh, possibly

the lighting wasn't very good?

No, oh, that place was silly with fluorescents.

Or perhaps your vision was blurry

with one too many beers? Don't drink.

Or some smoke from your cigarette clouded your view?

Don't smoke.

You were in the bathroom?

Nah, I've got a bladder like a hippo.

Mr. Mather, how can I put this to you?

My client would be extremely appreciative

if your memory wasn't quite so accurate.

Wait a minute, are you asking me to lie?

I-I can't do that.

Well, then, that would be unfortunate...

for everybody.

Wait a minute, are you threatening me?

Listen, mister,

you don't come down to my place of business

and threaten me.

Now, you just take your fancy suit

and your nice briefcase

and get the hell out of here.

We'll be in touch, Mr. Mather.

(snaps fingers)

You know, you don't scare me.

Joe, Brian, help!

Help, help...

I-I can't believe he threatened you.

I can't believe it.

Don't worry, Lowell, we're going to make sure

that nothing happens to you.

Right, Joey?

(clicking)

Joe?

Huh?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Are you playing with your label maker, Joe? No, I'm not.

Lowell's about to get whacked and you're making labels?

Brian, I can't stop. (knocking on door)

Lowell Mather?

Who wants to know?

I'm Special Agent Stark,

and this is Special Agent Douglas.

Sorry we didn't get here sooner.

Frankly, we didn't think it was going to hit

the papers that fast.

But you have our assurance

the FBI takes this quite seriously.

Our only concern is your safety,

and we'll do what...

Hey, is that a P-touch?

Yes, it is.

Is it as good as they say?

Oh, it'll change your life.

Does it work on bric-a-brac?

Bric-a-brac? I have got a figurine at home...

LOWELL: Excuse me.

Remember me?

"The dead guy."

Look, Mr. Mather, we know you're a little nervous but...

I have absolutely nothing to worry about, right?

We'll do everything in our power to protect you.

But I think you should know that thanks to your testimony,

a very dangerous man is going to be behind bars.

Why should Lowell risk his life

testifying against that guy?

If he testifies he's dead,

but if he doesn't, they let him live, right?

I'm afraid that's right.

But he does have another choice.

Okay. See, there's another choice.

I was getting a little nervous.

So, what is it?

We can put you in the witness protection program.

Or?

You got to be kidding.

You expect Lowell to just pick up and leave his job,

his friends, his whole life?

Lowell is certainly not going to do that, are you?

Lowell?

It's going to be okay.

You've just got to be strong.

ANTONIO: No, no, it's not fair.

Why can't someone offer me a new life?

You know...

a new house, new job, a dental plan.

My gums are on fire.

Hey, Roy, yeah, the altimeter's shot.

You have to order a new one.

Lowell, have you made up your mind

about the witness protection program?

No, not yet.

Well, what are you waiting for?

While you are mulling it over,

we are all in danger here.

Oh, Roy, stop exaggerating.

I am not exaggerating.

What if somebody's lurking out there with a gun?

They could aim at Mather and hit me.

They could aim at Europe and hit you.

(knocking)

Hey, Joe, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure, Lowell.

So how's it going, buddy?

Oh, man, this thing is making me crazy.

What's worse, everybody's trying to tell me what to do.

But I made a decision.

You have? What is it?

I'm going to let you tell me what to do.

Come on, Lowell.

I wouldn't have the slightest idea what to tell you.

Let me see if I can help you out.

Now, let's say that... that I'm you

and you're me

and you came to me with this problem.

Oh, that is a tough one.

I'd hate to be in your shoes.

All right, listen, Lowell.

Every problem has a solution.

So why don't we just examine the situation here.

All right, let's say that, uh

you decide to testify and enter the program.

Great. I'm going to go start packing.

No, no. Whoa.

We got to look at the other side.

Let's say that you don't testify

and you just stay right here where you are.

Even better. I hate packing.

I always pack too much, never wear half of it.

Okay, okay, listen.

I'm not telling you to do either of those things.

Well, aren't we Mr. Wishy-Washy?

I don't...

I don't want you to go.

We've been friends...

forever, and, uh, I just can't even imagine

what this place would be like

without you around.

Yeah...

You know, you're my family.

You know, they told me if I join the program

I can't even pick up the phone and call you.

Well, maybe you should... maybe you shouldn't go.

Yeah, but if I don't testify,

that guy Lasko is going to go free.

And I know that's not right.

No, it's not.

Joe, I don't want to leave the island.

My whole life is here.

I mean, I like the name Lowell.

Who would I be--

Joel?

Noel? All right...

I don't think that your new name

has to rhyme with your old one.

No? Eh...

That opens up a few more possibilities.

You know, I... I'm just so confused.

You know, how do you make a decision

you know is going to change your whole life?

I don't know. I don't know.

I've never... never had to make a decision like that.

Well, I guess the closest I've ever come

is when Helen went down to New York

to marry that guy, Lynch, and, uh...

well, I remember asking myself

if I let her go,

could I live with that for the rest of my life?

I don't know, but...

maybe that's what you have to ask yourself.

Whatever you decide,

can you live with it for the rest of your life?

Yeah, I-I guess that's what I really have to figure out.

I just want you to know that whatever you decide...

I'm totally behind you.

Thanks, Joe.

That means a lot to me.

Well...

I'm going to go someplace

and think about this.

I just need to be alone.

Come on, guys, let's go.

Anybody seen Lowell?

Not since he left yesterday

to think things over.

Maybe he's at home.

No, I tried calling him, he wasn't there.

Maybe he decided to join the program

and they whisked him away in the middle of the night.

Oh, no. Lowell would never leave

without saying good-bye.

Well, maybe he had no choice.

The agent told me that once the decision is made,

they take them away immediately.

Wow. Mather's really gone.

I don't believe this.

We'll never see him again.

Morning.

Lowell. Lowell.

Hey.

Uh, listen, Roy, don't be mad.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm going to get right on the pre-flight.

Mad?

Get over here.

Easy there, daddy.

Oh, good, Lowell, you're staying.

Well, actually, I'm not.

I decided to join the relocation program.

Oh... What? HELEN: No.

Yeah.

You know, if I...

if I ever picked up a newspaper

and read that that guy Lasko had killed someone else,

well, I just don't think

I could live with myself for the rest of my life.

So...

you're really going?

Yeah.

But, you know, they told me

I don't have to leave until 1300 hours.

The way I figure it, that's damn near two months.

By that time,

you guys are going to be sick of me.

BRIAN: Lowell...

1300 hours is military time.

It means 1:00.

Oh, that can't be right.

That'd mean I'd only have three minutes to say good-bye.

Mr. Mather, it's time.

The chopper's waiting.

Oh, no.

Lowell?

I'm never going to see you again.

Good-bye, Helen.

Lowell, I don't know what to say.

I'm going to miss you, Fay.

Antonio.

This is not good-bye.

I'm not saying good-bye to you.

Hello, Antonio.

(crying): Hello, Lowell.

Um, Lowell, I know we don't know each other very well,

but in the short time I've been on the island...

Come here, dumpling.

Roy.

(crying): Just go.

So long, brother.

Bye, Lowelly.

Joe.

Bye, Lowell.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks.

Mr. Mather, we really have to go.

I just need one more minute.

(pats plane)

You know...

no matter who else works on you,

I'll always be your first.

All right, I'm ready.

Joe.

I'll see you guys.

Where am I going?

(inaudible)

Maui?!

You almost ready?

Yeah, here you go.

How's that?

A little lower. Huh?

Yeah, perfect.

(sighs)

(door opens, then closes)