Original subtitles

Excuse me, ma'am, but there's a line.

You'll have to wait your turn.

I'm Eleanor Kingsbury.

(crashing)

Eleanor Kingsbury

as in the Nantucket Kingsburys?

Oh, my.

I'd like to charter a plane.

May I speak to whomever is in charge?

Oh, yes, that would be, uh...

it's on the tip of my tongue.

Um...

they're brothers.

May I see them?

Oh, uh-uh, yes, ma'am. Right this way, ma'am.

They're right in here-- Oh! Hackett-- that's it!

Joe and Brian Hackett.

I'm sure you'll be very impressed with them.

Brian... Joe...

this is Eleanor Kingsbury.

BOTH: Eleanor Kingsbury!

Fay, a little help here.

(grunting)

Uh, Joe, Ms. Kingsbury

is interested in chartering a plane.

I'll be leaving now, if it's all right.

Ms. Kingsbury, it's an honor to meet you.

We grew up on the island, so we've heard

the Kingsbury name all our lives.

I'm sure you have.

Hello? Blacking out here.

Excuse me.

I guess you're probably wondering

why we're hanging from this thing.

Well, you know how, sometimes,

you're lying in bed at night

watching an infomercial, and you say to yourself,

"Hey, Harvey Korman really seems to be enjoying that."

Mr. Hackett... the charter?

Oh, yes, right, how can we help you?

My father, Harrison Kingsbury, passed away last night.

ELEANOR: I want you to fly down to Miami,

pick up his body

and bring it back to Nantucket for the memorial service.

I'll need you to leave right away.

Oh, um, well, that could be a little bit of a problem.

We have scheduled flights and a lot of valued customers

who depend on us.

Fay...

Cancel all flights.

And, uh, if anybody says anything, call security.

My father's body is being prepared.

It'll be waiting for you at Miami Airport.

You'll fly back tomorrow morning.

Your overnight accommodations

will be arranged.

Thank you.

On behalf of Sandpiper,

we'd like to express our deepest sympathy.

Yes, please accept our condolences.

Thank you.

BOTH: Miami! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Miami!

Chappel, what are you trying to do

kill me with this chili?

My mouth's on fire.

Oh, Roy, it's the same chili you had for breakfast.

No, it isn't.

This stuff is lethal.

I haven't had any other complaints.

Oh, yeah?

Well, here, wait.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, lady.

I want you to try a snoutful of this.

See if it doesn't set your nose hairs on fire.

Go on.

Excuse me.

You know, you look familiar.

Who are you, toots?

I'm Eleanor Kingsbury.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hey, you guys know who that was?

Yeah, Eleanor Kingsbury. Yeah!

So what did she want the charter for?

Get this-- Harrison Kingsbury is dead.

Oh, no, that's terrible.

Yeah, she hired us to go down to Miami to pick up the body.

Wow, Harrison Kingsbury is gone.

I don't believe it.

Kingsbury was an institution on this island.

I had my first kiss on Kingsbury Point.

I lost my virginity on Kingsbury Point.

I lost my virginity on Kingsbury's couch.

His niece was my prom date... a great prom date.

Oh, Antonio, did you hear the news?

Harrison Kingsbury is dead.

(spits): That rat bastard.

I hate that man.

I once spent a whole day driving him

from one appointment to the next.

He did nothing but abuse me.

Made me feel like a piece of dirt.

Oh, come on, Antonio

you're a little oversensitive about this.

No, no, he would say,

"Hey, piece of dirt, take a left at the light."

Then...

after all that, I drove him home

and he skipped out on me-- no tip, no fare, no nothing.

So, great, now the old geezer's dead

and I'll never collect my money.

Excuse me.

I need a cab.

Okay, okay, but it's going to be cash up front, buddy.

(groans): Oh, my head.

Relax. Relax, Joe.

You'll be home in a minute.

Why did I drink so much?

Because you're a married man, you're out of town,

and you're a cliche.

Shut up and just drive, okay, Brian?

(groaning)

Be quiet. Shush, shush. Keep it down.

You're gonna scare our passenger.

Hey, Joey...

did you ever see one?

See what?

A dead guy.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not...

Come on.

One little peek-ski. Come on...

Forget about it, Brian.

I'm not looking at a dead guy.

I didn't even like looking at Grandpa when he was napping.

Well, I'm looking. Take over.

Brian...

I can't even believe

you're not the least bit curious.

Look, I saw his picture in the paper.

Long gray hair, gray beard, yellow teeth.

I really doubt death is going to pretty him up.

Hey, Joey...

I think you ought to check this out.

Would you forget it, Brian?

I'm not looking at Kingsbury's corpse.

Neither am I...

unless he's 4'10" in a sequined gown

and a really tasteful brooch.

Brian, no, I'm not going to do it.

I'm serious, Joe.

Hit the auto-pilot.

I really, really think you ought to see this.

All right, there are two possibilities here.

Uh-huh.

Either Harrison Kingsbury was a woman

or we've got the wrong body.

(both screaming)

What are we going to do? What are we going to do?

All right, can I just say something?

I don't know if it'll help... Yeah. What? What?

This is so your fault.

I told you to stop saying that.

Hey, it's not my fault.

Hey, I was nowhere near the body.

I was refueling the plane.

You're the one who signed for Kingsbury.

Yeah, that's ri... Yeah, that's right, I did.

And I have the, uh...

got the paperwork right here

so I can prove this was not my fault.

You see?

"Acknowledge receipt for the transfer

of the body of... Mrs. Pearl Nadelman."

If she's here, then right now,

Harrison Kingsbury is surrounded

by a lot of people eating noodle kugel.

What are we going to do, Brian?

We are in big trouble.

Oh, gee, you think?

Brian, they got laws against this-- body snatching.

This is body snatching.

Brian, I can't go to prison.

I hear they do bad things

to people that wear shower slippers.

Stop! Stop, stop!

Okay? Relax.

I will call Miami Airport

and I will try to track down exactly what happened.

We're fine as long as no one knows.

Oh. You're back.

How was the trip?

Fine. Miami.

Great city. Home of the Dolphins.

Well, Eleanor Kingsbury called.

She wanted to know the moment you returned,

so she could send someone to pick up her father.

I'll go tell her you're back.

No! No!

Is something wrong?

Wrong? Of course nothing's wrong.

Why would anything be wrong?

We picked up the wrong body! That's what's wrong.

Oh, you're a rock, you are.

Oh, my God!

How could you pick up the wrong body?!

Long story, his fault.

Come on, Fay.

The Kingsburys will understand, right?

They're people, just like you and me.

No! They're people who squash people just like you and me.

Don't you remember what happened to Sconset Air?

What's Sconset Air?

They had the counter here before us.

They went out of business.

And do you know why?

Because they misplaced one of Eleanor Kingsbury's bags.

During the 11 minutes it took to find it

she had their bank loan called in,

their line of credit revoked,

and the owners were last seen

making slushies at the Stop 'n' Shop.

Oh, that was for losing a piece of luggage.

Hey, imagine what she'll do

when she finds out we lost her daddy.

(Brian and Joe screaming)

HELEN: Oh, my gosh.

It's Wilson Kingsbury.

You mean, "banana head" Kingsbury? Where?

Hey, his head filled out.

Remember when we were kids, he would not leave me alone?

He was so weird and creepy

with his sweaty hands and that whiny voice?

(whining): Helen, how are you?

I mean it, how are you?

Oh, God, don't let him see me.

(whining): Helen...

Helen! How are you?

I mean it, how are you?

Good. Good to see you.

I guess you heard my grandfather died.

Yes. I'm very sorry to hear that.

It's very sad.

Nothing can ease the pain;

not even the fact that I'm going to inherit

$10.5 million.

Wilson Kingsbury.

Why, I'm Helen's sister Casey.

Remember me?

No.

Anyway, Helen, it's been so long.

What you been up to?

Well, let's see...

I got married.

Joe Hackett.

Got married to Joe.

I'm, uh, very married.

Well, not me.

I'm still single.

Single and looking. (clacks teeth and barks)

(laughing)

Boy, it's hard to believe

somebody didn't just snap you up.

That's what Mother says.

Oh, I love mama's boys.

I am not a mama's boy!

Okay, okay.

Didn't know that was going to be such a red flag...

Banana Head.

Anyway, Helen,

this is going to be a pretty rough day for me

and I was wondering--

would you mind going to Grandpapa's funeral?

Sure would be nice to see a friendly face.

Oh, I'm sorry, Wilson, I won't be able to.

Thanks. Well...

I know it's a lot to ask

and I know you didn't like me very much.

That's okay, nobody did.

It's just that I always thought of you as a friend.

Oh, well.

Bye-bye.

Oh...

Is that a "yes"?

Yes.

Oh, good! Then I'll see you at 4:00 up at the house.

And thank you. I mean it-- thank you.

Oh, oh... oh, you can!

Can what? Can what? Can what?

Oh, man, I owe you.

Owe? Owe? What do we owe? What do we owe?

We'll pay anything.

Easy, Buttercup.

Everything's under control.

Seems that Kingsbury's body showed up

at the Nadelman funeral in Brooklyn.

So I was just talking to a pilot buddy of mine.

He said he could pick up Kingsbury, fly him back here

and then bring Pearl back.

Said he can be up here in, like, two hours.

Oh. Oh, great. Oh, man. Whew!

You see, I knew everything would work out.

Oh, and, uh, by the way--

never call me Buttercup again.

What's going on?

Did they find the body?

(mock whimpering) Fay, Fay, wait-wait, you're...

you, you-you-you're so excitable.

Just relax.

Everything is completely under control.

Oh.

Well, thank goodness,

becuase Eleanor Kingsbury's chauffeur is outside.

He wants the casket now.

Now? Now?!

He can't...

He can't have it now. We don't have it now.

It's not gonna be here for two hours!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Okay. All right.

He wants a casket, we'll give him a casket.

Well, you can't give him that casket.

Why not?

Yeah, why not?

Because the viewing is at 4:00.

Viewing? What are they viewing?

Him. It's an open casket.

Open casket?! Oh, my God.

Brian, what are we going to do?

I got no more ideas. I'm out of ideas.

Well, think, think, think.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

Ah! I got it, I got it.

Okay, I saw this on the Twilight Zone once.

All we have to do... is stop time.

That's your idea? Stop time?

Well, uh... I haven't heard anything from you.

Okay, you're a moron. There, you heard it from me.

Oh, I'm the moron? Who lost the body?

Oh, you're gonna bring that up...? Oh, yeah!

Hey! Pull yourselves together.

We've got a job to do here.

Where's the casket?

In there.

Show me.

Now!

JOE: What are you... what are you doing, Fay?

You got an idea?

Maybe this body will do.

People look very different when they pass on.

Kingsbury was a recluse.

No one's seen him in years.

Now let's see what we've got here.

Pop the hood.

Well, this dame's not gonna cut it.

This is bad, this is very bad.

You work all your life to build a business

and you lose one lousy corpse,

and-- ptth! it's all down the drain.

You know, from this picture, it's really hard to tell

what this Kingsbury guy looks like.

Oh, Brian, would you put down the paper and help me think?

Now, I mean, between the beard and the hair

you can hardly even see his face.

Who cares? We need a plan.

I got a plan.

Get in the box, Joe.

What do you mean, get in the box?

What, are you nuts?

Fay, tell him he's crazy.

Well, let's see...

with the right foundation and the right wig and beard...

Get in the box, Joe.

I'm not getting in the box.

Come on! It's only for a couple hours.

And by that time, Kingsbury's body will be back here.

I'll drive it over; we'll make the switch.

Nobody has to know.

Get in the box, Joe.

No, I don't want to get in the box; you get in the box.

Hey, my screw-up, I get in the box.

Your screw-up, etiquette dictates you get in the box.

Wait a minute. What about her?

(imitates buzzer)

Substitution-- Hackett in for Nadelman.

Get in the box, Joe. No.

No! There is no way I am getting in that box.

JOE: I can't believe I got in the box.

I want to thank you for coming again, Helen.

It really means a lot.

That's okay, Wilson.

Oh, God.

There he is.

Oh, look at us.

We're walking right up to the body, aren't we?

Hello, Grandpapa.

It's me, Wilson.

Wilson? I remember that dweeb.

He used to have the hots for Helen.

Well, he looks peaceful.

Helen?!

I just can't believe that he's gone.

There, there.

Oh, it's just so hard.

Wilson, what are you doing?

What's he doing?

Wilson, I told you, Joe and I are married.

Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe.

What's the big deal with Joe?

Your hair smells so yummy.

Wilson... Wilson!

You don't have to be such a tease-- come on.

Cut it out!

Oh!

Ow! Oh!

What did I do?

Helen, you've got a lot of explaining to do.

(screams)

Helen, don't scream. It's me, Joe.

(screams)

Miss, are you all right?

Are you kidding me?

I'm... I'm just in shock.

He's gone.

It's terrible.

Joe, what are you doing in there?

We lost Kingsbury's body.

Brian's bringing him.

No, what are you doing in the coffin?

What are you doing coming here with Wilson?

Oh, don't change the subject.

What? You'll get your turn. Where's he going?

Madam...

your, um, stepmother has arrived.

Oh, wonderful. The grieving widow.

Oh, I came as soon I could get a connecting flight from Vegas.

Oh, why?

Why did this have to happen to my husband Harrison?

He was only 92 and in such good health.

He was on his third heart.

Harry!

Harry!

No, too soon, Harry!

Too soon!

No-o-o!

No, Harry!

All right, honey, give the man some air.

Huh?

Uh, I mean, it looks like

that-that you need some air.

Wipe that smile off your face.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It is a tragedy

and I don't know how I'm going to go on.

Hey, would you like to go bar hopping later?

There you are, dear.

Ah, thank you.

Enjoy the funeral.

Hey, Kingsbury.

Remember me, huh?

Antonio Scarpacci?

The cabbie who drove you around all freaking day?

What did I get for it?

Well, bupkes.

You stiffed me, you stiff.

Hey, nice watch.

In fact,

that ought to just about cover your tab.

Cut it out, Antonio.

(moans)

Next.

(through clenched teeth): Joey, it's me.

Brian.

I got Kingsbury out back.

We'll make the switch outside before they go to the cemetery.

We're all set.

Thurmon,

tell my chauffeur not to bring my car around.

I'll be riding with father.

Uh-oh.

Brian, if she's riding in the car,

how are we going to make the switch?

Can't.

You got to go through with it.

Brian?

Get me out of here.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay... relax, relax.

I got an idea.

Stay here. Stay here.

Oh, Antonio, hey.

Great. Listen, I need you to give me a hand

with something out in the car.

Huh?

You know, for a dead guy, he's got one helluva grip.

Ladies and gentlemen,

can I have your attention?

Thank you all for coming.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I'd like a moment alone with my father.

(door slides shut)

Well, Father, this is it.

I'm never going to see you again,

you horrible little man.

I was loyal to you for all those years.

I gave up everything for you.

How could you even think of leaving all of it

to that bimbo, you horny, old goat?!

Well, at least I've spared you and the entire family

from embarrassment.

I was the one who sent you the poisoned cognac.

So long...

Father.

Not so fast!

(screams)

What's going on here?

She killed me.

No! You're not my father!

What have you done with my father?!

Somebody call the police!

Yeah, somebody call the police,

and while you're at it, and have them check out

Harrison Kingsbury's bottle of cognac--

the one she poisoned him with.

Oh!

Oh, great.

You couldn't wait just five more minutes!