Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( humming )

Morning, honey.

Morning, sweetheart. ( chuckles )

So...today's our wedding day.

Ah. It feels great, doesn't it?

Oh. Sure does. Oh.

I'm glad. I was afraid after last night

you might be just a little hung-over.

Oh, me? No. I just had a few drinks.

Helen, come on. When I came in, you were handcuffed

to a half-naked stripper.

Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, yeah.

( lively theme playing )

So how did your bachelor party go?

I don't wanna talk about it.

But, uh, the important thing is,

in three hours and seven minutes,

we are going to be husband and wife.

( sighs, claps hands )

But first... ( sniffs )

...breakfast.

Yay.

Ta-da.

Oh, boy. Scrambled eggs.

Yeah.

Here you go. Oh.

Hm.

Boy, you-- You don't know how this makes me feel.

Oh, thanks. Hm.

Mm. ( chuckles )

Mm. Oh-- Ooh.

I almost forgot the pork links.

( silverware clatters )

Wow.

You really wolfed those down.

You want some more?

Mm, no, no, please. That's plenty.

Here you go. Okay.

Let me see here.

"Helen, breakfast." Check.

What is that?

It's our wedding schedule.

You have a wedding schedule?

Well, look. I know this seems a little bit retentive,

but thanks to this schedule right here,

our wedding is gonna run like a well-oiled machine.

Right now the cake is en route,

the flowers are being delivered,

and Brian is at the store picking up our tuxes.

( sighs )

( screams )

( both screaming )

( both scream loudly )

Oh, my God.

Oh, I don't believe this. How did this happen?

Oh, I don't know.

You seduced me.

Me?!

Who is the one who crawled into my bed "by mistake"?

Oh. It was a mistake, all right.

It was the biggest mistake of my life.

Uh, really?

You weren't complaining very much a few hours ago.

Or have you forgotten somebody screaming,

"Yes, yes. Take me home, Monkey Man"? ( scoffs )

All right, don't flatter yourself.

I was way overdue.

Way, way overdue.

Oh, jeez.

What? Oh, it's 9:30.

I should have been at the tuxedo shop an hour ago.

Oh, my God. I'm supposed to be at the hotel

doing Helen's hair and makeup.

Let go. No, you let go.

Oh. Heh. I am not walking across this room stark naked.

Why? Didn't stop you last night from doing a back flip

and singing the Sconset High fight song stark naked.

Oh. I have gotta get out of here

and take the longest shower of my life.

Let go of it!

Over my dead body.

No, thanks. Already been there.

( lively theme playing )

Oh. It's about time, Br--

Oh. It's you. Hey, have you seen Brian?

He was supposed to be here an hour ago with the tuxes.

No. No, I haven't.

But, uh, what do you think?

I think I'm gonna kill him

if he's not here in about one minute.

No. No, no. I meant me.

How do I look?

Yeah, you look fine.

Fine? No. No, no, no, no,

I don't look fine.

I look dashing.

( speaks indistinctly )

I look elegant.

I look like a million freaking bucks here.

Where the hell is Brian?

He's screwing up my whole wedding schedule.

You have a wedding schedule?

Yeah. Look, um...

I'm gonna let you in on a big secret,

but you have got to promise

not to tell another living soul.

I promise. What is it?

( clears throat )

I padded the schedule an extra half hour.

In case things got backed up.

You're a rebel. Hm.

( sighs ) Can't wait for Casey

to see me in this tux.

You know, today might just be the day I make my move.

You know? For once she won't see me as Antonio,

the lowly cab driver.

You know, the-- The servant.

The one everybody's always ordering around.

Right. Now get downstairs and start greeting people.

Oh, right. I'm an usher.

I know, I know. I'm late. I'm sorry.

There's no excuse.

Brian, do you have any idea what time it is?

Oh, who are you kidding?

Everybody knows you padded that thing.

Relax. Relax.

Got the ring, picked up the tuxes.

Uh...

this looks a little small.

Uh, it's the same one that you tried on the other day.

Boy, you really should drop

this whole control thing, Joey.

I mean, really, you should just learn to delegate

and trust that your friends will come through for you.

Well, I guess it's true what they say, huh?

Married life really does pack on the old pounds.

Brian...you gotta do something.

I'm getting married in a few minutes,

and I look like Zippy the Chimp!

And with the right bow tie and a pair of roller skates,

you could pull that off.

All right. Okay, that's it. I'm wearing yours.

Uh, no way, man. Then I'll look like the idiot.

But, hey, it's your day, so be my guest.

You are one tense person, you know that?

You really should learn to relax,

take life more in stride.

Well, that's just way too big.

I don't get it. I don't get it.

I went to the tux shop like you told me to.

And I picked up the tuxes that said--

Hackell. What?

You picked up the tuxes for the Hackell bar mitzvah.

You're just gonna find a way

of making this my fault, aren't you?

What am I gonna do, Brian?

All right, just relax. H-here.

Have a mint. Okay?

I'm gonna take these back to the tux shop,

and I'll get the right tuxes, okay?

Brian. What?

Have I told you lately that you suck?

You know, I've...

seen MacGyver do this a hundred times.

Hey. Give that guy a piece of dental floss,

he could bust out of a Turkish prison.

( door opens )

HELEN: Well, thanks for coming, Casey.

Where have you been?

Don't ask me that.

Don't ever ask me that.

I have plumbed the depths

of human depravity.

Does anyone have a Certs?

Uh. I've got a tic tac in my purse.

You know, I once saw MacGyver take down an F-18

with a tic tac.

Fay, are these sugar-free?

Oh, you don't have to worry about that.

Uh-hum. Very sweet of you to say,

but actually I-- Oh. Would you--

Do you mind if I have one?

Oh, thanks. I appreciate it.

You get this handcuff off me,

and you make me look beautiful.

Oh, Helen, relax. You're already beautiful.

Give me some room. I got some major work to do.

You know...MacGyver

could get rid of those raccoon circles,

give her a kicky hairdo.

Do it all with just spit.

Lowell, could you do me a favor and go get a hacksaw?

( scoffs ) Hacksaw.

That's so A-Team.

( door closes )

Okay, just relax,

and we're gonna start with a little base.

Oh, my. What?

Well, our eyes are a tad red. Heh.

Oh, God.

Don't you worry. I'll just run down to the hotel store

and get you some eye drops.

Tsk. ( sighs )

Oh, Fay. ( door closes )

I'm getting married in an hour,

and I look like roadkill. Oh.

( lively theme playing )

Hello.

Uh, hello.

Um...

look, about last night...

Wha--? Uh, what about it?

You didn't go blabbing to your brother, did you?

Of course not. Far as I'm concerned,

nothing happened.

Well, you got that right. Nothing happened.

Absolutely. Nothing happened...

three times.

Seven times for me.

I-I gotta get these eye drops to Helen.

Yeah, I've got to get this tux to Joe.

Oh, damn.

I know.

( both grunting )

What's wrong with us?

( both panting )

We're sick! Oh!

( upbeat theme playing )

( both chuckle )

Oh, hi, Casey.

So, uh...what's happening?

Happening?

Nothing's happening.

Why would something be happening?

So, um...Casey...

how about, uh, saving me the first dance?

Sure, Antonio. Can't wait. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha.

Okay, then, uh, it's a date.

I'll, uh, catch you later. ( laughs )

Bye-bye.

( snaps ) Yes.

Hey. Brian.

I am in, baby.

( door opens )

Oh, Casey.

How good of you to drop by.

I'm getting ready to get married,

my makeup's not done,

and you're supposed to give me big hair.

Sorry, uh-- Sorry.

Uh, what did you do to your dress?

What do you mean?

Well, it's on backwards. ( gasps )

Oh, well, um...

I thought that the bow made my butt look big,

so I switched it.

FAY: Oh.

I think I'd like to switch my dress

like you did.

I recommend it.

I haven't felt this good in years. Ha.

You do look radiant. ( both giggle )

Such a lovely thought, Fay,

but aren't you supposed to be saying that to the bride?

And we will be. Just as soon as

you've used these eye drops,

we'll start your makeup.

I just have just to fix this scuff on my shoe.

Uh...those are new.

How did you get them scuffed up already?

What are you, a cop?!

( hums )

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

My eyes are stinging.

What kind of eye drops are these?

Binaca.

If it's any consolation,

your eyes smell minty fresh.

Are-- Are you okay?

Maybe you'd better go flush your eyes out.

I'm all right. Oops! Oops! All right.

Ooh. Watch out for that Magic Marker.

It's gonna, uh, be on my dress.

That stuff's permanent. Oh.

Um, don't worry. I-it didn't get on your dress.

( screams )

It-- It-- It's not so bad. Heh.

It's not so bad?

I'm getting married in five minutes,

and I look like Hitler.

Hey...Hackett.

You better get down there.

Your guests are getting mighty antsy.

Yeah. Well, I'd like to,

but I got no best man, I got no tuxes,

and this flippy little thing in my hair

is driving me nuts.

Hey-- Brian, where the hell

have you been?

You-- You're not carrying tuxes. I don't see tuxes.

There's a little problem.

Problem? Problem?

Don't tell me there's a problem.

Okay.

I've lost the tuxes. I don't know where they are.

But, hey, no problem.

Can, uh--? Can I see you for a second?

Brian, how could you do this to me?

You are the worst best man.

In fact, you better give me the ring,

or did you lose that too?

No, I didn't lose that too. All right, smarty?

Here. Here it is.

I think you owe me an apology.

Oh, I'm sorry, Brian.

Here it is my wedding day,

and I'm selfishly thinking about me.

And after all you've been through.

I mean, throwing me that terrible bachelor party

and losing the tuxes.

What's going on, fella? Are you okay?

Hey. Let's get the show on the road.

It's getting rowdy down there.

Somebody just sent

Grandma Chappel out on a beer run, you know?

( laughs ) Anyway...

Besides, the sooner we start this wedding,

the sooner I get that first dance with Casey.

JOE: You slept with Casey?!

I cannot believe that you slept with Casey.

( shouting in Italian )

( Brian screaming )

Hey. Hey.

BRIAN: The ring!

No! God.

You couldn't keep your hands off her.

BRIAN ( choking ): Keep your hands off me.

I got it. ANTONIO: Pig!

Oh.

Guys? ( both grunting )

Uh...my hand is stuck.

Okay, everybody out. I gotta use the can.

( lively theme playing )

( whines )

Is it coming off?

Uh. Well...

( chuckles )

You know, Casey...

ever since I was a little girl,

I always dreamed about my wedding.

A...horse-drawn carriage,

eight attendants carrying my train.

But nowhere in that picture

did it include me looking like Zorro.

Oh!

Tsk.

Huh.

Huh.

Huh.

Lowell, would you please do something?

All right, all right.

I know what I got to do.

I'm gonna go get the big wrench.

( sighs )

Okay. Tux update. Did you get 'em?

No. I just thought I'd keep you up to speed.

Come here. Come here!

ROY: Any progress?

No. How's Antonio doing?

Oh, much better.

I sat him down,

I gave him some good advice.

Drink until there's a crowd standing over you saying,

"You okay, buddy?"

Hey, Hackett, how you doing?

You look flushed.

( laughing ) Come here! Come here!

Oh, lighten up!

Come on! I just came to tell you

that the, uh-- The preacher's leaving in ten minutes.

He's got another wedding in Boston at 2.

Oh, perfect.

BRIAN: Oh, I just--

Just can't shake this feeling

that somehow all this is...

partly my fault.

( Casey laughs )

I look okay?

Oh, Helen, you look beautiful.

You sure I don't have that

Wayne Newton thing happening?

No. No, no, no, no. Makeup covered everything.

You look perfect.

This is it, Casey.

It's the most important moment of my life.

Let's go get Joe.

( knocking on door )

Your bride is ready.

Lowell...

I need you to stall Helen.

And I don't want her to freak out,

so whatever you do,

do not tell her I'm stuck in the toilet.

Hey. Give me a little credit.

Who is it?

Oh. Where's Joe?

Oh, uh...

Joe can't come out right now.

What do you mean he can't come out right now?

Well, Helen...

Joe...got cold feet.

There'll be no wedding today.

Better luck next time.

See you.

Uh, I think I bought you a little time, Joe.

What do you mean, Joe's got cold feet?

Where is he?

Hi, honey.

Joe, why is your hand in the toilet?

Uh... Tsk.

Heh. I'm stuck.

We're supposed to get married right now,

and your hand is stuck in the toilet?

Oh, I don't think so.

Look, Helen, no. Ow! ( grunting )

Get that out!

Of all the stupid, idiotic things to do

on our wedding day,

what possessed you to put your hand in the toilet?

Your ring fell in.

Oh, hold on, baby. Don't let that sucker go.

Look, we have to do something.

Has anyone thought of using a bar of soap?

You know, MacGyver once used a bar of soap

to...

shut down a nuclear reactor.

I think I remember seeing a bar of soap

in the linen closet across the hall.

Casey, would you like to look for it with me?

Oh, yes, Brian, I would.

That is a good idea.

What's taking so long up he--?

Oh. Dear, you should have just called Housekeeping.

Okay, baby.

You don't want Antonio Scarpacci, fine.

Here's a little taste of what you'll be missing.

( sobbing )

It was even better than I ever dreamed.

Well, I guess this dress is more flattering than I thought.

Joe...

What are we gonna do?

This is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.

( sobbing ): It's not gonna happen.

Oh, honey.

( tender theme playing )

Dearly beloved...

we are gathered here today

to witness the joining of Helen

and Joe...

in marriage.

Joe...Helen,

this is a very special day for you.

And a very special day for your friends...

Ahh!

...who are all here.

Anyway...

these two wonderful people

have put a lot of thought into this day,

and, as is so often the tradition,

they have written their own vows.

Joe.

Helen...

as I stand here before you today...

I know that I am the luckiest man in the world.

You're the love of my life,

you're my best friend,

and I promise to do everything I can

to make every day of our life together...

as special as this moment.

Helen, I love you.

I've always loved you.

And I always will love you.

( sobs )

REVEREND ( whispers ): Helen.

Joe...

I have a little secret.

Ever since I was a little girl,

I've dreamed of this moment.

And now, as I look up into your eyes...

I see the boy that I fell in love with

and the man I wanna spend

the rest of my life with.

Be my husband.

Be my partner.

Be my friend.

May we have the rings, please?

What--? What do I do?

Go! Oh, hang on.

Hold on. Hold on.

Brian, you want to lift that lid up there?

Here you go.

This one's for you, MacGyver.

( chuckles )

Okay, then. Heh.

Joe, do you take Helen to be your wife,

to love, honor and cherish

as long as you both shall live?

I do.

And, Helen...

do you take Joe to be your husband,

to love, honor and cherish

as long as you both shall live?

I do.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Uh. You may kiss the bride.

( cheering, applause )

( mellow theme playing )

( all cheering, applauding )

Congratulations.