Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

JOE: Hey, it's about time you showed up.

Look, you're gonna have to finish these FAA reports.

I'm late for a flight. ( clears throat )

Whoa. What happened to your face?

This morning I'm shaving after my shower, right?

I open up the bathroom door to let the steam out.

Casey walks in.

I'm standing there buck naked.

She lets out a blood-curdling scream.

"Ah--!"

Well, that's an improvement.

Usually, they just point and laugh.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

( mocking ): Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Joe, guy humor? Not your thing.

Yeah, fine. Look, uh, now that Casey's living with you,

you might wanna throw on some clothes every once in a while.

Uh, but you know, uh, I think I have an even better solution.

Ye-- No. Forget it.

Casey's not moving back in with me and Helen.

You guys are just gonna have to work things out.

( door shuts )

( groans )

Listen, as long as you and I have to live

under the same roof,

there's gonna have to be some ground rules.

Number one, you cover up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, I own this house. I make the rules.

And since you're living there,

I just want you to think of it as a country

called: Nakedland.

Huh?

I am the president of Nakedland.

Would you care to hear the national anthem?

No, thanks.

I've already seen the flag.

( upbeat theme playing )

( sighs ) Well,

the wedding rehearsal's all over.

No turning back now, huh?

( sighing ): Nope.

Guess, uh, you know what comes next.

Probably the most important event

in your life.

Yep.

BOTH ( in unison ): Bachelor party!

Oh, Joe.

Wasn't that the most beautiful

wedding rehearsal?

And you know what comes next.

Yeah.

Yeah, I have a pretty good idea.

Our wedding.

Oh, yeah, that's it. That's it.

Oh, before I forget, I need you to do something for me.

Can you--? No!

He can not.

Okay?

You're gonna be ordering him around

for the rest of his life, but from now until

tomorrow morning, he's all mine. Hm.

Oh, right, the big bachelor party.

So, what have you guys got planned for him?

Look, Helen-- Hey, hey, hey.

The woman can know nothing.

Did I break one of the ten commandments

of bachelor parties?

Yes, number one:

the woman can know nothing.

Relax, 'cause the woman

doesn't want to know anything.

Except why does the bachelor party

have to be the night before our wedding?

Commandment number eight:

thou shalt defile and debase thyself

on the nighteth right before thy wedding.

Now, uh, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go book a vestal virgin.

Helen. Yeah.

You sure you're okay with this bachelor party thing?

Sure. Why wouldn't I be?

Well, pfft, it could get pretty wild.

Oh, yeah, I know you, Joe.

You'll have one, maybe two beers,

get a little loose, and then you'll tell

that one dirty joke you know.

Oh, no, you think you know me,

but you're wrong.

I plan on having at least

three beers, and you know why?

Because I've pre-eaten.

You go do your "boy thing."

But please, don't-- Don't drink too much,

'cause I don't want you hung over for the wedding.

I mean, remember, this is the most important day of our lives.

Helen, I-- I can't promise anything.

It's a bachelor's party. It could get pretty wild.

Oh, right.

A bunch of boobs lookin' at a bunch of boobs.

Where's Brian?

He's in the office.

Well, thanks a lot, Brian. You were suppo--

Oh, my God-- ( screams )

Don't you ever knock?

Don't you ever dress?

Or-- Or have you claimed this office

in the name of Nakedland too?

What's your problem?

I'm just getting dressed for the bachelor party, all right?

That's it. I am staying at Helen's house tonight.

Hey, fine, suit yourself.

But if you do,

you'll miss the grand opening of...

Euro-Nakedland.

( knocking )

Hey, Brian-- Whoa!

Oh!

You know, I heard that Brian Hackett

bachelor parties were pretty wild,

but I kind of expected to see a woman

take her clothes off.

But, you know, what the heck.

I'm pretty liberal.

Let's see what you got!

I've seen this show. It's overrated.

Okay.

I'm ready to debase myself.

What do we do next? Easy!

Easy there, pumpkin.

You've got the whole night ahead of you.

Okay, first the fun begins

in our deluxe suite

at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City,

and, uh, believe me when I tell you,

we will not be lacking for entertainment.

Oh...

Does it, uh, involve women?

Uh, no.

I hired jugglers and a dancing monkey.

I'm just so excited.

Roy was just telling me about the bachelor party

you threw in '85. Yeah.

Is it true? Two men still unaccounted for?

Uh...

No, no, I think eventually they showed up.

One is currently living in a seminary

and the other is a chronic bed wetter.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, gosh.

Oh, hi, Helen.

Boy, you look tired.

Oh, Casey, I'm exhausted.

Well, what do you wanna do tonight?

I mean, it is your last night as a single woman.

I'm gonna go upstairs,

take a nice hot bath, put on a mud mask,

do my nails and go to sleep.

Helen, that sounds great, but you know what?

( loudly ): It ain't gonna happen!

Surprise!

( screaming )

Joanne, what are you doing here?

You weren't supposed to be here till tomorrow.

Are you kidding?

As soon as Casey told me about your bachelorette party,

I changed my plans.

Oh, that's so sweet. Bachelorette party?

Oh, don't worry. It's not gonna be rowdy.

I mean, it's just us girls sitting around, talking.

Shooters anyone?

( all clamoring )

Oh, I appreciate it, Fay. No, thanks.

Uh, I don't think I should drink before the wedding.

( all moan )

Well, they are just little bitty bottles, huh?

ALL ( chanting ): Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

( rock music playing )

( cheering and screaming )

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go...

( mellow theme playing )

I always knew Atlantic City was luxurious,

but I never dreamed I'd get to see

Al's Crapshoot Hotel.

Somebody pinch me, please.

Look, I booked the best suite at Trump's Taj Mahal.

Yeah, but you booked it for the wrong night.

And that's my fault? ALL: Yes.

Hey, please.

Have a little faith.

We've got a room here and the stripper's coming.

Who knows what else he's got planned.

This is Brian Hackett, here, we're talking about.

The master.

This is gonna be a night to remember.

( distant siren wailing )

I wonder how many people have committed suicide in this dump.

( upbeat theme playing )

Okay.

Okay, here's a hard one.

What did Christ say when he healed the leper?

Oh, enough already.

Not even close. He said--

Oh, look, Antonio,

we are all getting tired of Bible quiz.

Put the Good Book down.

Okay. Okay.

Uh-- Uh, here's something fun,

uh, shadow puppets.

What--? What famous entertainer known as the Schnozz--?

Hey, hey!

I wasn't the one who promised everybody

the greatest night of their lives.

Hey, still early yet.

Some of the best bachelor parties

often start out a little slow.

Well, wake me up when we get to slow.

( phone rings )

I'll get it.

1-900-BUMMER.

Uh, it's the pizza guy.

Yeah! ( cheering )

He's lost. ( all groan )

Uh, no. It's a left at the landfill,

a right at the industrial park,

just past the sewage plant.

No, if you get to the toxic-waste dump,

you've gone too far.

Okay.

At least we are not gonna starve

because Uncle Roy has come up with the food.

We have: an apple, a can of soup

and a bag of pork rinds.

Wait a second.

The expiration date on those pork rinds

is March, '84.

Eh, it's just a guideline.

No booze.

No stripper.

Soup in a can, and pork rinds.

I hate this bachelor party.

You suck.

Relax, okay?

Relax, please.

Stripper's on her way, and I know just the thing

to kick this party into gear.

Now, Lowell. Lowell. Hm?

Why don't you just pop in a videotape, okay?

Oh, okay.

Well, you know, I--

I've got a pretty wide selection.

Something for everybody here.

Uh, I've got Valley of the Vixens.

I-- I've got, uh,

A Clear and Present Vixen.

I've got A Vixen Runs Through It.

And, um, Pulp Vixen.

"Pulp Vixen."

Oh, i-it's about two mob hit-vixens,

both packing .38s.

Oh, look, it's the director's cut.

Give me that.

What the hell's going on?

It won't fit.

It's gotta fit.

Why won't it fit? Why won't it fit?

Because it's a beta machine,

the last one in the free world.

Lowell, uh, go down to the front desk.

Uh, they must have something

from the Vixen collection on Beta.

All right. I'll give it a shot.

But just for the record, this is a very bad party.

( door closes )

( sighs )

All right, all right, just--

Just, heh, take it easy. Take it easy.

Still-- Still plenty of fun to be had.

( knocking on door )

Oh, please let it be someone with liquor,

food, or my name sprayed in whipped cream

across her breasts.

Ah! You made it! You're here. Fantastic. Hi.

Uh, I'm Brian. I spoke to you on the phone.

And this is Joe. He's the groom.

( sneezes )

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to stop off to get some cold medicine.

( sneezes )

( coughing )

Hi, honey. Ready for a good time?

( all laughing )

Okay, okay, serious question.

What's the most unusual place you ever did it?

Oh!

With Joe,

during lunch hour,

in my walk-in freezer.

( all laugh )

In a parking lot at an IHOP

off Route 9.

( all laugh )

Uh, been there. Done that.

Uh, let's see, uh, mine would have to be

on a rooftop during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

just as Underdog was going by.

( all laugh )

Oh, I know. I have one.

At the foot of my bed.

In the middle of the week.

Oh, my God. I haven't lived, have I?

Uh-- Uh, time to open the gifts.

Gifts?

No, you already got me gifts for the wedding.

These aren't for the wedding.

These are for the wedding night.

Whoo.

What in the hell do you do with this?

It's really very simple.

( all laugh )

( upbeat theme playing )

"The wildest bachelor party every thrown"?

"This night will become a legend"?

All right, I-- I know we've had a few setbacks.

But I believe

that this party is really gonna take off.

( stripper vomiting )

STRIPPER: I'll be out in a minute.

I'm feeling much better now.

( toilet flushes )

( gasping )

So...

...you boys ready for a show?

Look, y-you really don't have to do this.

Oh, no-no-no-no-no.

You're the groom.

This is your special night.

( chuckling )

( rock music plays )

Oh, you poor kid.

You poor kid.

You're in no condition for this. ( gasping )

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Giving in to a cold is the worst thing you can do.

And you're shivering.

Come on, we'll cover you up.

Yeah. ( music stops )

It's a great party, Brian.

Antonio is covering up the stripper.

Hey, I got a tape.

Oh, fantastic, what did you get?

Terms of Endearment.

Why'd you get that?

Hey, it was either this or Deep Throat.

Come on. Haven't we all had quite enough of Watergate?

( rock music playing )

( all chattering )

( knocking )

Oh, Helen, there's someone at the door.

Oh, I'll get it.

And nobody comes in

without doing a shooter first.

( all cheering )

Okay, open up, and say...

Uh-oh.

Um, h-hi, officer.

Uh, is there a problem? Yes, there is, ma'am.

We've had complaints about the noise level from the neighbors.

Oh, uh, I'll take care of this.

( music stops )

Beat it, copper.

We're having a party and if the neighbors don't like it,

they can get stuffed.

Oh, God, Fay--

Um, h-hi, I'm Helen Chappel

and this is my home,

and if we're too loud,

um, we'll take care of it.

Well, ma'am, that won't do.

I'm gonna have to write you a citation.

Oh, you're just a big bully, aren't you?

Uh...

Fay, please...

( all shrieking )

Fay!

( all shrieking )

Just call me Sergeant Steve.

( upbeat music plays )

( whooping )

( cheering )

( upbeat theme playing )

( crying ): It's so sad.

( snorts )

( crying ): Why did Debra Winger have to die?

I feel so vulnerable.

I never told anybody this,

but when-- When I was a little boy,

I had a turtle...

Larry.

He had his own little plastic island

with a little palm tree.

Then one day he got sick and he wouldn't eat,

and his shell got all soft.

( weeping ): And Larry died.

( crying )

( yells ): Larry!

( sighs )

I don't get it.

My bachelor parties... Heh.

...were legendary, man.

I always felt sorry

for the poor stiff who was walking down the aisle,

you know?

( groans )

And right now,

I envy you.

Why do you think that is?

I don't know, Brian. Maybe it's a sign.

Maybe it means you're ready

for something different in your life.

Or maybe you just suck.

Oh, Larry, wherever you are,

I'm sorry I painted you blue.

( snorts )

( sobs )

Wait, you painted him blue?

You killed freakin' Larry!

( upbeat theme playing )

( rock music playing )

Helen,

is there any more champagne?

Coming up. Whoo!

What--? What is going on?

( flatly ): Oh, Joe, how good to see you.

Where's Helen?

Helen.

Okay, girls,

I guess the party's over.

( all groan, music stops )

See you at the wedding, Joe.

Now, uh, Joe, I just want you to know

that nothing happened here tonight.

( all laughing )

You know, I didn't know you guys were throwing Helen a party.

Where is she?

Oh...around. Heh-heh.

So I guess you two kids

probably wanna be alone tonight,

so I'll just go back over to my room at...

Nakedland.

Helen.

Helen.

Helen?

HELEN: Joe?

Oh, hi, honey.

We had a party.

Yeah, yeah, I heard.

Look, Helen,

I know that we're not supposed to be together

the night before the wedding,

but I realized something tonight.

You're the only person I really wanna be with.

Tomorrow's gonna be the best day of my whole life,

because it'll be the beginning

of our life together.

Oh, Joe.

That was beautiful, man.

( upbeat theme playing )

( door creaks )

( Casey and Brian scream )

( both scream )

Get out of my room.

Your room? No-no-no-no.

This is my room and this is my bed,

otherwise known as the capital of Nakedland.

What the hell are you doing in here, anyway?

Well, uh, I thought this was my room.

All those damned doors look alike in the dark.

No, hey, your room's across the hall.

All right?

Fine. ( sighs )

I can't get out of this bed.

Why?

I'm not wearing anything.

Oooh, a new citizen.

Okay, you cross this border

and it's an act of war.

All right, look,

all right?

I'll just turn my head,

close my eyes,

and you can, uh, scamper away.

Okay?

Goodbye.

Uh, you're still here.

Look, it's just that,

this whole night...

( sighs )

Never mind.

No-no-no-no-no.

No, no. What?

I'm listening. What?

Well, look at me.

No, don't look at me.

I mean,

look at where I am in my life.

Everyone else is moving on.

And where am I?

I mean, I have a...

failed marriage,

no career.

I don't even have

a "most unusual place I've ever had sex" story.

And, you know, to top it all off,

my baby sister is getting married tomorrow...

Forget it.

Why don't you just close your eyes.

I'll leave now.

No-no-no.

( sighs )

I actually think I know

what you're going through.

You do?

Oh, hell yeah.

Joe and Helen are my two best friends.

And after tomorrow, everything's gonna change.

They're not gonna have any time for us, are they?

Are you kidding? No-no-no.

When you get married, you're in couple mode.

You know, you have couple friends,

you do couple things,

then you start thinking about having kids, and--

Ah, God.

I'm gonna be weird Uncle Brian.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna be poor Aunt Casey,

the one who's crying all the time.

I should really be a lot,

you know,

happier for them, tonight.

( sighs )

Yep.

Yeah, I know, I know. ( sobs )

Uh-oh. I know.

Yeah, this is, uh-- This is very dangerous.

Very dangerous, because, uh,

something could happen here

that we'll-- We'll regret for a long time.

The rest of our lives.

And that-- That-- That-- That would be wrong.

Wrong? That would be suicidal.

Oh, that's for sure. That's for sure. Heh.

Oh, damn.

I know.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )