Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Thanks.

Joe! Look what came in!

Wha--? Oh, hey, our first wedding gifts.

Look, this one's from my cousin Patty.

And what do you know, from my Uncle Phil.

( grunts ) Oh, wait, wait.

Helen, Helen, Helen.

Wait, wait, wait. You know what?

Uh, I don't think we're supposed

to open these till after the wedding.

There's a lot of things we weren't supposed to do

till after the wedding.

Let her rip.

Isn't this fun?

Oh, my gosh.

( gasps )

A beautiful crystal vase.

Wow.

What did your Uncle Phil give us?

A beautiful...

sneaker phone.

God, isn't that the stupidest wedding gift?

But, um, I'm sure he meant well.

Yeah. You know, that's right, Helen.

It's the thought that counts.

And at least he was thinking about us, so...

I'm sorry. You're right.

It's a gift, and, you know, a gift comes from the heart.

You know what we should do?

We should just call him up on the phone and thank him.

I'll just get on the extension.

( laughs )

Hey.

Wow, what a beautiful present.

Thank you.

Sneaker phone!

( upbeat theme playing )

Fay! Fay, has Flight 2 arrived yet?

No, not yet. Why?

Ah, well, my cousin Dominic is coming for a visit.

Oh, which cousin is that?

Oh, he's the big success story of the family, you know?

Four years ago he came over here from Italy,

and he got a job in a shoe repair shop.

And now he owns his own chain

of leather clothing stores.

Oh, those shoe repairmen are magicians.

I once had a pair of spectator pumps

that were killing me.

So I took them to the shoemaker,

and I don't know what he did to them,

but after he dyed them

and stretched them and buffed them

and resoled them, reheeled them--

She's skipping again.

Just whack her upside the head.

Oh, Fay, I-I just can't wait to see Dominic.

And he's bringing his fiancée Teresa with him.

We were all very close growing up, you know.

I tell you, two--

Two sweeter, more down-to-earth people

you will never meet.

Thanks for the ride, very smooth.

Here's a little something for you.

Hey, listen. No, no. Sir, uh, I own this airline.

It's really not necessar--

Listen, is there anything else I could do for you?

Get your bags?

Make dinner reservations? Armor All your suit?

Dominic.

( all shouting in Italian )

Look at this guy!

Can you believe this guy?

I love this guy!

Look at me? Look at--

Look at you.

Hey.

Big success story, huh?

Ah, success means nothing.

What matters is that I'm here with the people

that I care about most in the whole world.

( cell phone rings )

Talk to me.

Hey! It's none of your business

where the labels came from.

You just sew them in!

D-Dominic, please. Enough business.

We just got here.

Momento.

Talk to me.

H-he's very devoted to his business.

So...

What? Uh...

look at you.

I-I-I just can't believe how you've grown up.

I mean, you turned into such a beautiful woman.

Oh, stop it, Antonio.

You embarrass me.

Oh, by the way, before I left Italy

I saw your mother.

Ah, you saw Mama?

God, I miss her so much.

She gave me a message for you.

What'd she say? She said,

"Last month's check was a little light.

What's up with that?"

She wonders why I went out for cigarettes one night

and never came back.

Hey, Teresa, good news.

We finally unloaded those pink leather fanny packs.

Eh! All right, enough about the business. Ooh!

I brought you

something special.

( laughs )

Grazie.

( laughs )

Oh, my.

Lowell, I want you to meet my cousin Dominic

and-- And his fiancée Teresa.

Hey! Very nice to see ya!

Hi.

So is that a real leather suit?

It sure is. One hundred percent.

( chuckles )

Murderer!

What's with him? Uh, well, uh...

he's like Guido from our village.

Oh, mama mia! Oh, Dio!

( speaks in Italian )

So, what do you say? Tonight, dinner's on me.

Oh, actually, uh, I thought you and Teresa

would come to my house tonight, and, uh, I would cook.

Oh, Dominic, wouldn't that be nice?

Ever since I came here we only eat in restaurants.

No way!

We've gotta celebrate all being together again.

There's only one way to do that:

with a nice, big, thick, juicy hunk of steak.

( chuckles )

What is it with Dominic?

Wherever he goes, cows die.

( upbeat theme playing )

BRIAN: Guys, guys, gu--

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it outside, okay?

I'm trying to run a serious business here.

( phone rings )

Sandpiper.

Uh, yeah, that flight is arriving on time.

Okay.

Hey, hey, hey.

So, uh, how was dinner last night, huh?

Ah, well, you know-- Dominic, you know, he's--

He's changed a little.

Ooh, in what way?

Uh, he's-- He's not exactly

the humble, sweet shoemaker he used to be.

You know, he's, uh... Well, he's...

Eurotrash?

Hey!

Hey, i-it's my cousin you're talking about.

He's no Eurotrash.

He's, uh-- It's just--

Just that he has no taste

and has no class.

Has no socks.

But-- But-- But Teresa, on the other hand.

Oh, she's-- She's a goddess, you know?

She's just an angel.

Hey, Antonio, wha-- What's going on here, huh?

What's going on is I'm starting to have

thoughts for Teresa... Ah.

...that you should not have for your cousin's fiancée.

Some of them you shouldn't even have

for your own fiancée.

Brian, you have no idea how difficult it was

just sitting across from her at dinner last night.

It's a good thing they're going home today.

Because being around her feeling like this, it's--

It's just pure torture.

DOMINIC: Antonio!

Ah... Heh.

( stammers )

I just can't believe you're leaving so soon.

Could--? Couldn't you just stay a little bit longer?

Ah, no, look.

Uh, you gotta go, so your--

You know, your flight...

Antonio, I-I need to ask you a little favor.

Yeah, sure. Well, there's an emergency.

One of my trucks overturned on the Jersey Turnpike.

Oh, my God. Was anybody hurt?

Yeah, me.

If I don't get down there,

I'm out a thousand leather sunbonnets.

Now, since I'm gonna be taking care of business,

I thought, you know,

Teresa would have more fun

if she stayed here with you.

Fun?

What do you mean, fun?

Well, you know, show her a good time.

Good?

What do you mean, good?

Heh.

Antonio, come on. What do you say?

O-- Okay. Okay.

Ah, good. Teresa,

good news: he says it's okay.

Well--

Are you sure I'm not imposing?

What imposing?

We're family.

( piano theme playing )

Ooh, goody, goody.

More wedding presents. Thank you.

Can't wait to see who it's from.

Oh, it's from your side of the family.

Hey, Helen, come on.

You can't condemn my entire family

just 'cause of one lousy sneaker phone.

Okay. All right. I'm sorry, you're right.

Oh, wait. You know what?

This is from my grandmother,

and I can tell by the shape of the box

exactly what it is.

She had this beautiful antique rug

in her dining room that I always wanted.

And this ain't it.

No, Joe, I think it's nice.

All we need to do is get a big old piece of paper,

big old envelope, and write her

a big old thank you note.

Hey.

Who gave you the cool big pencil?

My grandmother.

How big is she?

Hey, Brian.

Brian, you've gotta help me.

I'm in big, big trouble here.

Why, what happened?

I just spent the whole day with Teresa,

and it was the most wonderful day of my life.

You know, we had lunch,

and there was just a little piece of pastrami

hanging from her lip, you know?

I-I just looked at her, and I thought,

"I want to spend the rest of my life

with this woman."

Mmm.

I guess it's true what they say, huh?

Pastrami is the meat of love.

Yeah.

What am I gonna do?

You know, I'm cooking dinner for her

tonight at my apartment.

We're gonna be all alone.

I mean, who knows what could happen?

Why do you think something would happen?

Oh, well, because, you know, I'm--

I'm afraid I'm weak.

I-I keep telling myself,

"She's your cousin's fiancée, Antonio."

But then I tell myself, "Shut up, Antonio.

"She's also the most beautiful woman

you've ever seen."

Okay, okay, okay.

Let me just get this straight, okay?

You're worried because you're desperately attracted

to this beautiful woman

and you think that she might want you too?

Yes. Yes.

Okay. Okay.

Well, let me just put your mind at ease.

When has this ever happened to you?

Never.

Exactly.

See, you fall hopelessly in love with these women,

and they don't even know that you exist.

Wait a minute, I think you may be on to something.

You bet I am.

Let's face it, when it comes to women,

you're the strikeout king.

I am.

You have zero appeal.

I really do.

Who has a worse track record with women than you?

Nobody.

So, what are the chances

of her ever letting you near her?

Bupkis. Exactly.

So just relax, take a deep breath

and be yourself.

Trust me, you'll have no problem

keeping this woman away.

Ha!

You're right! You're right, I won't.

God, I'm always selling myself short.

Hey, thanks.

( upbeat theme playing )

( doorbell rings )

Coming. Coming!

( doorbell rings )

Uh, be right there!

Be right-- Gah, what's wrong with you?

Stay up there.

She's my cousin's fiancée, for God's sake.

Buona sera.

Ah, buona sera.

Prego.

Ciao. Ah, ciao.

Ah...

You look, uh--

You look very nice.

Oh, grazie.

( sniffs )

You started the sauce already.

Yes.

Oh, I love that smell.

It makes me homesick.

Ah, I know how you feel.

All I need now is my six fat aunts

sitting around, putting curses on each other, you know?

( laughs )

Here, I brought some wine.

Oh, no. Wine? Liquor?

I-- I don't think that's such a good idea.

Why not?

Ah, come on. Wine with pasta?

Do you really think it goes?

( laughs )

Oh, Antonio, you're so funny.

So how's Dominic? Uh...

Uh, have you heard from him lately?

He only left a few hours ago.

Besides, when he's got a problem at the office,

I'm not on his mind.

Ah.

Sometimes I think he loves his leather clothes

more than me.

Oh, no, that-- That's not possible.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

No one could love those clothes.

( laughs )

Well, somebody must.

Whoever thought that my little cousin Dominic

would become such a big shot, you know?

Well...

I miss the old Dominic.

Now all he talks about is business.

Before, he-- He would make me laugh.

He would cook me dinner.

He would...

wear cotton once in a while.

He-- He used to be more like--

Like what?

Like you.

( cork pops )

( laughs )

( clinking )

Your-- Your hands are shaking.

I have a condition.

Here.

Salute.

Salute.

( bell dings )

Dinner's ready.

Y-you know, it--

It was really sweet of you to cook for me tonight.

Ah, well...

I-I hope I'm not taking you away from anyone.

Uh...no.

Come on.

It's hard for me to believe someone like you

has no one special in his life.

You know, it's not always easy

to find, uh, someone special.

Yeah.

( timer buzzing )

Bread's ready.

Oh...

( screaming )

Hot! Oh, are you okay?

( groans )

Oh...

( moans )

( moans )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, damn.

( mouths ): Damn.

Hey, Brian--

What the hell are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm doing the crossword puzzle.

Give me that. Give me that.

You... You lied.

What? What are you talking about? Yeah.

You said I had zero sex appeal.

That-- That I could never attract a woman.

And I stand by that statement. Yeah.

Well, buddy boy, you're wrong.

Last night Teresa and I...

Oh, no. No, no. What--? What, you slept together?

Give me a little credit, will you?

She's my cousin's fiancée.

We just made out for an hour.

The minute Dominic lands, I'm telling him the truth:

that I love her.

All right. Wait, wait, wait.

What does she think about all this?

Well, you know, the way he is now,

she's losing interest in him fast.

I mean, who could blame her?

I'm telling you, Brian,

she and I are right for each other.

Good for you, Antonio.

For the first time in your life,

you know what you want and you're ready to go for it.

You're right, I am.

So, what if she's my cousin's fiancée?

Oh, my God, what am I saying?

I can't do this.

He's-- He's family.

I-- I would never be able

to show my face in my village again.

Yeah, you got a point there, you know.

It wouldn't be worth it.

Better off just forgetting about her, and...

you'll meet somebody else.

Who are you kidding?

I'll never meet anyone like Teresa.

I'm not exactly the kind of guy women dream of.

You sure aren't.

I got a dead-end job.

Yeah, you're going nowhere.

When a woman like Teresa comes along,

you've got to go for it.

'Cause ain't no way I'll meet anyone like her again.

Not in your lifetime. Yeah.

Brian, you're a real friend.

Thanks so much for not believing in me.

Hey, don't thank me, Antonio.

They're your shortcomings.

Yeah.

So when-- When-- When Dominic gets here,

I'm just gonna-- I'm just gonna tell him

that he doesn't deserve her and I do.

He's-- He's so caught up in himself,

he probably won't even know he's losing her.

( knocking on door )

Antonio.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, I'll just finish my puzzle out in the hangar.

( door closes )

Antonio, I have to talk to you.

No, I have to talk to you.

You know, ever since you came here--

Antonio, I need your help. I think I'm losing Teresa.

Huh?

Oh, I can see it. It's in her eyes.

It's in her kiss. The passion's gone.

I'm losing the woman I love.

Hey, it happens. Move on.

Move on?

Ho-- H-how can you say that?

Life is not worth living without her.

Ah, sure it is. Try the personals.

Antonio, you're my cousin. You're blood.

You know me better than anyone.

What can I do to win her back?

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

The truth?

Have you tried wearing more leather?

Where?

I don't know. Hats? Gloves?

And-- And another thing,

how much time you spend with her?

Uh, well, I work 16 hours a day,

I'm on the road, uh, two or three days a week...

Well, there it is.

You're suffocating the poor girl.

Back off a little, huh? Give her some room.

You're right!

Okay, let me see if I've got this straight.

Uh, more leather.

Yeah. Work harder.

And stop doting on her.

Antonio, I don't know how to thank you.

You saved my life.

Well, you know...

You're not only my cousin,

you're my best friend.

Grazie.

( door opens ) Dominic, stop.

You really love her?

Well, of course I love her.

She's my whole life.

Sit down.

We have to talk.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hi. Joe, I'm sorry. I couldn't wait to open it.

Look! It's a Tiffany clock.

Isn't it gorgeous?

Wow.

Any chance it's from my side of the family?

( laughs )

Oh, gosh, get serious.

It's from my Aunt Clara.

Your Aunt Clara?

She lives on a fixed income.

She must have saved her social security checks

for 25 years just to show up my side of the family.

What is she, a wiseass?

Oh, something did come from your relatives.

It's from your Uncle Frank.

No. No, no, no.

This is from my rich Uncle Frank.

And it's an envelope, which can only mean one thing.

Good, good, good, good.

Yes? What is it?

Cash? Check? T-bill?

( squeals )

Cheese.

"Congratulations, as a newly enrolled member

"of the Cheese of the Month Club.

"Each month the world's finest cheeses

"will be delivered to your doorstep.

Scratch here to smell your first selection."

Whoo! Oof.

What is that?

Gouda.

Not as gouda as the clock. Hee-hee.

DOMINIC: Antonio!

Oh, Antonio, there you are.

Uh, we just wanted to say goodbye,

and, uh, to thank you.

I can never repay you.

Well, come here.

( both laugh )

I'll go look after the luggage, huh?

Antonio...thank you.

So this is what you want?

Yes.

And about last night...

Last night never happened.

Yes, it did.

( sniffing )

Hey, do I smell gouda?

Is it May already?

( panting and grunting )

( shouts )