Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, Antonio. Whoo, you look nice.

Ah. Thank you, Helen.

I've just come from the christening

of my cousin Vincenzo's new baby.

Hm.

( screams ) Ah.

I know. I know he's, uh--

It's not a handsome child.

But...

I am bound by God to love it. Heh.

I'm the godfather,

so it is my duty to see the baby is raised as a good Catholic.

Hm. That's a big responsibility.

Yes. Especially for a man

who hasn't seen the inside of a church

since Sally Field was a nun.

You know?

But that's all going to change. From now on,

I go to Mass every week.

You know, good for you. Yeah.

Not enough people realize

how important religion is in your life.

Yeah. I mean,

without a strong spiritual connection,

what does life really mean?

What--? What religion are you?

Oh, I don't know. Some sort of Protestant.

( upbeat theme playing )

( plane flying overhead )

Oh, my God, Lowell. You look terrible.

Your eyes are glazed.

There's sweat pouring off your forehead.

Oh. That's not the half of it.

I've got 103 temperature, I'm seeing double...

and I've got a bad case of the shakes.

Lowell, I-- I don't think you should be at work today.

Hey. I'm a Mather.

And as a Mather, I have a family tradition to uphold.

No Mather has ever missed a day of work.

Take my uncle, Hekikiah.

Worked in a meat-processing plant his entire life.

Even the day he sliced off his thumb,

he-- He didn't leave his post.

Ooh. Uh, uh, did they get his thumb re-attached?

Nope. Never found it.

They think it ended up as a Cajun hotlink.

( door opens )

( plane flying overhead )

Helen. Yeah?

I need to talk to you. Oh, can it wait, Joe?

I'm in the middle-- It's very important.

It sounds serious. Yes, it is.

Helen, ahem. We're getting married in five weeks.

You did not order the "Joe and Helen" cocktail napkins.

Cocktail napkins?

I know it sounds silly, but it's really about

a lot more than just cocktail napkins.

Oh, no. The binder's back.

Look...

We agreed to share responsibility

for planning this wedding.

I have held up my end of the deal. You see?

See, look, I booked the reception hall,

arranged for the caterer.

I got the oxygen tank for the balloons...

or Aunt Lily.

All I have asked you to do is handle a few minor details.

Okay. You're right, Joe. I'm sorry.

I've just been really busy.

You know, I'm not a psychologist, but, uh...

could there be some underlying reason

why you're not taking care of these things?

What do you mean? Well...

maybe you're not doing things because deep down

there's part of you that doesn't wanna get married.

Are you crazy?

Where on earth did you get an idea like that?

Modern Bride magazine.

Oh.

"Ten Ways to Tell if He Has Cold Feet."

Why are you reading Modern Bride?

Well, I'd read Modern Groom, but they don't have one.

Look, Joe...

for you to even think... ( sighs )

...that I have doubts about marrying you is ridiculous.

I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

So come hell or high water, we are getting married May 27th.

Oh, honey, I'm s-- I'm sorry.

I guess I just needed to hear that. Um...

I'm going nuts with all these wedding plans.

That's okay.

Well, I'll see you later.

Where you going? Oh, I gotta go downtown

and get the, uh, application for our marriage license.

Oh, let me do it.

Now, Helen, this is really important.

Are you sure you don't want me to do it?

No, Joe.

Just to show you how much I love you,

I want to go get our marriage license.

Okay. Thanks.

That'll be a big help. Okay.

Hey, Joe. Joe, look at this.

Aah!

What is that? Uh...

It's, uh-- It's my godchild.

Cute kid. Yeah.

( upbeat theme playing )

Brian. Brian, I-- I want to show you something.

Ahh. I heard about that picture, man.

Keep it in the bag. Hm.

No, no, no.

It's not that.

No, you see. I--

I've recently returned to the Church. Yeah.

So I-- I bought a little something to keep in my cab

as a daily reminder of my newfound faith.

Mm-hm.

It's a Virgin Mary air freshener.

It comes in sandalwood, musk and new-car smell.

Oh.

Yeah. Huh?

Yeah, that's cool. Listen,

if you ever come across any of the apostles in jasmine,

would you grab me one?

( Antonio speaks indistinctly )

Antonio. Can I talk to you a second?

Yeah, well, I was just show--

Sure. Sure.

Remember that little favor I did for you?

Marrying you so you could stay in the country?

Well, of course. And I'm forever grateful to you.

Yeah, well, I went down to get my application

for my marriage license, and they wouldn't give me one.

Why? Because I'm still married to you.

No, you're not. We got a divorce.

Well, not according to the town clerk.

Somebody forgot to send in the divorce papers.

Oh, don't look at me. You were supposed to send them.

Me? Yes. Don't you remember?

We were sitting right here drinking champagne

to celebrate the divorce.

You spilled your glass on the papers,

so you put them under the cash register

to flatten them out before you mailed them.

That is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

Are you saying that our divorce papers

have been sitting under this cash register

for three years?

Oh, my God.

( gasps )

Good news. They're flat.

( lively theme playing )

Oh. What am I gonna do?

Helen, what's the big deal?

Just send in the divorce papers.

It's too late. I already checked.

It takes 120 days to get a divorce in Massachusetts.

And Joe and I are supposed to get married in a month.

Oh, all right. R-relax. Relax.

Just tell Joe what happened. He'll understand.

Oh, really? He flipped out over cocktail napkins.

How's he gonna react

when he finds out I forgot to get divorced?

Ah. I think I know what you should do.

Oh, what, what, what?

Pray.

To an air freshener?

Listen to me. When you have a problem,

and there seems to be no honorable,

legal or moral way out,

there's only one place to turn.

You're right.

Oh, Roy.

It scares me to say this, but...

I need you.

( laughs )

I knew you'd come around eventually.

What turned you?

The new jacket?

And the new cologne?

Or was it that just once, before you get married,

you want to be bad?

Where's that air freshener?

All right. All right.

What is it, Chappel?

Okay, remember when I married Antonio

so he wouldn't be deported?

Well, I forgot to send in the divorce papers.

And now I don't have enough time to get divorced

so I can get married.

( whistles )

You did the right thing coming to me.

Oh, Roy, what am I gonna do?

Thinking... ( snaps )

Thinking...

Okay.

You gotta leave the country to get a quickie divorce

without Joe knowing it.

Mexico.

Now, how am I gonna go to Mexico without Joe knowing?

We gotta find a way to get rid of Joe for the weekend.

Oh, I couldn't lie to him.

If you're gonna tie my hands...

Oh. Okay. Okay, sorry. What?

Okay. Give me a-- A favorite place he likes to go...

or thing he likes to do.

Something he would never turn down.

Um, fly-fishing.

( laughs ): Fly-fishing.

What a rube.

Okay.

Book him a cabin for the weekend somewhere far away.

( snaps ) Tell him it's a wedding gift.

Then after Joe's gone,

get Brian to fly you to Mexico to the town of Tampico.

Go to Señor Pepe.

Wait. How will I find him?

( laughs )

He'll find you.

( lively theme playing )

( knocking on door )

Uh, Joe. Honey?

Um...I've been thinking about

what you said this morning.

And just to show you how much I love you,

I've got a little surprise for you.

Really?

What did you have in mind?

Fly-fishing. Mm-hm.

Okay, baby, if that's what you want to call it.

Oh. Uh...

No. Really, Joe.

I am sending you to Maine.

I have booked reservations at the Brownsville Lodge

at Pleasant River.

Pleasant River?

Oh-- Why didn't you say so? That's even better.

Um, it's my present to you for all the hard work

you've put into our wedding preparations.

Helen. Oh, Helen.

I don't know what to say. This is great.

I got these new hand-tied flies I want to try.

Oh, good. Hand-tied flies. Good for you.

Wait a minute. Wait a sec-- Wait a minute.

I-- I can't-- I can't go.

Uh, believe me, Joe, you can go.

No, but, Helen, come on, what about work?

We've got Lowell sick as a dog.

I got all this stuff I have to do for the wedding.

Oh, I'll do all that. Yeah, but, Helen, you know,

the seating chart, the band,

the photographer-- Where's my binder?

Uh...J-Joe, relax, and--

And imagine yourself knee-deep in water

with those big old boots on, you know,

doing whatever the hell it is you do with the pole

when you stick it in the water and the fish come up.

Okay. You're right. You're right. I'm going.

Okay, good. I'll--

Hey. Fay, guess what.

I'm going fly-fishing.

You could at least have the decency to lock the door.

( door closes )

( plane flying overhead )

So how did it go?

You were right. He didn't suspect a thing.

But I got to tell you, I feel kind of slimy.

Ha-ha. It's intoxicating, isn't it?

So did you get Brian on board

to fly you and Antonio to Mexico?

Brian, a weekend in Mexico? ( snaps )

That'll be a piece of cake. ( chuckles )

Hey. Brian.

Don't make any plans for this weekend.

You, me...

fly-fishing in Maine.

All right. I'm there!

Uh, no. You can't go with him.

Why not? Because.

Uh-- Fly-fishing is something

that you do by yourself.

Um, don't you remember that movie?

What was the name of it?

A River Runs Through It.

It's about two brothers fly-fishing.

All right. It was a bad example.

So when are we going? When are we going?

JOE: Um, I guess we could--

Um...who's gonna take the weekend flights?

Ah, who cares about them?

Roy does.

Oh, n-- Oh, no. You know what?

What? She's right.

We can't just hand over all our weekend business to Roy.

Oh, come on. No, l-- Look-- Look, I'm sorry, man.

You're gonna have to stay. Aww.

We can not cancel all the weekend flights.

Brian, cancel all the weekend flights.

What? Still married to Antonio,

sending Joe out of town,

flying to Mexico for a quickie divorce,

Joe will never know.

You went to Roy, didn't you?

All right, I'm in. When are we leaving?

Okay. Joe leaves before dawn...

so...we leave at first light.

First light? What are we, Lewis and Clark?

Brian.

All right, all right, all right.

Meet you tomorrow morning around first light-ish.

Boy. That was close. But this is gonna work.

Listen, Roy, if there's ever anything I can do for you.

Ah, ah-- When you get to Mexico,

give Señor Pepe a message:

tell him, "The donkey has died."

Ah, Helen, listen. Listen.

I was just talking to the priest.

Yeah, that's swell. Listen. Pack a bag.

We're leaving tomorrow for Mexico to get a quickie divorce.

Well, whatever you say, but there's just one thing.

Thing? What thing? There is no thing.

Well, um, before I get a divorce,

I must get an annulment from the Catholic Church.

Okay, fine. Fine. We'll get an annulment.

I mean, how difficult can that be?

Not too difficult.

It just has to be granted by the pope.

The pope? In Rome?

Uh, well, I think, actually, this week he's on the road.

I don't understand.

Three years ago, when we were gonna get a divorce,

you didn't have this problem.

Well, I'm not the same man you married.

Look, why don't you just tell the priest the truth.

We didn't get married in the Catholic Church,

and we only got married so you wouldn't get deported.

Oh. Yeah, yeah. Tell him that I made a mockery

of the sacrament of marriage?

Yeah. Why don't you just-- Just put me in an overnight pouch

and FedEx me straight to hell?

Okay. W-what do we gotta do?

Well...all we have to do is to convince the priest

that we're a couple who cannot get along.

See? And once he's convinced, then I get my annulment,

you get your divorce, and I'm not eternally damned.

It's a win-win situation.

All right. But you just take care of it.

I did. Father Maguire will meet us here tomorrow at 10:00.

We're gonna be halfway to Mexico tomorrow by 10.

But he's cleared his whole schedule.

It's the only time he can meet with us.

I can't believe it.

I lay myself on the line so you can stay in this country.

If you mess this up for me, I'm gonna kill you.

You know, uh, I can see why we never made it.

( upbeat theme playing )

Helen. Helen, do I really have to do this?

Yes. Okay. Let's go over the cover story.

If Joe calls while I'm gone and asks for me,

what are you gonna say?

Helen, don't make me. I am a terrible liar.

I mean, everybody always sees right through me.

Yeah, all you have to say is, "She's at the store."

( plane flying overhead )

Hey, Casey. How are you doing?

Helen's at the store.

What?

Uh, Joe, what are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be on Roy's flight?

Well, yeah, it just started boarding.

But I wasn't gonna leave without saying goodbye.

Oh. That is so sweet. Let's go.

Okay. Bye, Joe.

And-- And-- And don't call

because Helen will be at the store.

Okay. Have a good trip.

Wh--? Why are you rushing me?

Because I love you so much.

And the quicker that you leave

the faster you'll get back. So beat it.

Hey, Brian.

Wait. We're gonna be gone a day and a half.

Where's your luggage? Ah.

Got everything I need right here.

You know, I've never been to Mexico before.

And the really exciting thing is,

once I go, I'll have been to all 50 states.

I can't believe it. You're bringing a date to my divorce?

Hey, I brought a date to my divorce.

You should be ashamed.

I plan to be, as soon as we get to Mexico.

If you excuse me, I have a plane to check.

Uh, honey bunny, look who's here. Father Maguire.

You must be Mrs. Scarpacci.

Not for long.

Oh, I wouldn't count on that.

You don't know who you're dealing with.

I've been counseling couples for over 20 years,

and I've never yet recommended an annulment.

Around the rectory they call me Father Fix-it.

Ha. Father Fi-- Huh.

Father Fix-it.

Great. Father Fix-it.

Where'd you get this guy?

Okay, Father Maguire. Please sit down.

Is there anything we can get you?

I'd love some coffee.

No problem. Helen? ( snaps )

Some coffee.

Seems we're out of coffee.

Don't bother.

Now, uh, an annulment is a very serious thing.

Yes, but we're real, real, real sure that we want one.

Oh. Yeah, trust me, it's hopeless.

In my book there's no such thing as hopeless.

Now I hope you don't mind

my asking you some personal questions. No.

How's your sex life?

Oh. Well...

Our sex life?

It's horrible. It's the worst.

He stinks in bed. In fact, he's inadequate

in every possible way you can imagine.

Yeah, you try satisfying her.

Of course, I don't mean you.

Antonio...just remember why we're here.

I remember, Helen.

See, this is great. You two are talking.

We'll heal this marriage yet.

All you have to do is just tell each other what you need.

Oh. Well, I need an annulment.

And I need it bad. And I need it now!

You see what I'm dealing with?

( door opens )

Uh, Helen, something's come up. Uh, I need to see you.

I'm kind of busy right now, remember?

Think you need to hear this.

Excuse me, Father.

Keep annulling.

Uh-- Uh, little problem with our weekend getaway.

Oh, yeah? Well, listen to me.

If you don't get me to Mexico,

you can forget about having

wild sex this weekend.

( door closes )

What do you mean the plane's broken?

He's working on it. It'll take 20 minutes.

Lowell, what are you doing?

You-- You-- You're drinking entirely too much

of that cold medicine.

Aw. Oh, don't worry, Brian.

Says right here on the label it's perfectly safe.

The only thing I'm not supposed to do is--

Is operate heavy machinery.

Okay. So... ( drill whirs )

...back to the engine.

( drill whirring )

( door opens )

Okay. How we doing? We annulled yet?

Well, uh...no.

Father Maguire has a wonderful idea.

Okay, great, great, great. What, what?

He thinks we should go on this weekend retreat,

where couples like us go work out their problems.

Are you out of your mind?!

Come on. Let's try to find some common ground here.

Are there any children in this marriage?

Uh, well... just a godchild.

Whoa!

Oh. Uh-- Uh, excuse me.

I was looking for Joe and Brian.

Why are all the flights canceled?

I-- I'll explain it later, Fay.

I'm busy with Father Maguire right now.

Oh. Is he gonna marry you and Joe?

Are you getting married?

Yes. As soon as I dump Antonio.

And I suppose this Joe is the young man

you're going to Mexico with?

No, that's his brother, Brian.

I have to be honest with you.

It doesn't look good.

I guess I'll have to recommend the annulment.

Yes!

( door opens )

Can't believe it's over.

( door closes ) How's the plane coming?

Uh, it's all finished. I'll just go get Roberta. Okay.

Oh, listen. I-I know you're not feeling well, Lowell,

and I really appreciate you doing this for me.

Ah. No problem, Roy.

All right, uh...

It's a lot easier working on the plane earlier

when there weren't as many bats flying around.

Little problem.

No. Don't say that.

I found Roberta. What's the problem?

She's at your counter with Joe.

Joe? What's he doing here? I thought he left.

No, the plane had mechanical difficulties.

It never took off.

Well, how long is it gonna be here?

As long as it takes to change planes, I guess.

Okay. Just forget it. Let's just get out of here.

Come on. No. Roberta's back there.

Oh, leave her.

Obviously you didn't see the thong she packed.

( groans ) Lowell...

have the plane towed out to the tarmac.

Joe?

Hey, Casey, what's going on?

( mouthing words )

Helen's at the store.

( phone ringing )

So...going fishing?

Ah, ha-ha. What gave me away? Heh.

You mean I was right?

Okay. Okay, got you.

So, uh, where are you headed?

I'm going to Mexico with this guy.

Maybe you know him. He works around here. Hm.

What's his name?

His name is--

( screams)

Casey, w-- What are you screaming for?

I saw a mouse.

Where?

Um, in the kitchen.

Before.

You-- Just go catch him, please. What?

Just go in there and-- Okay, all right. Okay.

Way, way back there.

Casey, I didn't see any mouse.

Oh, well, you know, it was a small mouse.

It was more of a-- You know, like a--

Like a...mouselet.

Well...I'm gonna get going.

Plane's gonna leave.

Whoops.

No, wait! Your plane...

is out there.

Yeah, I know. I left my tackle box in the hangar.

( screams )

What?

Helen's at the store.

Come on. The plane's on the tarmac.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Forgot my suntan lotion.

Use mine. No, no, no, no. You don't understand.

See, it can't be less than SPF 8.

I have very sensitive skin.

( door closes )

Lowell, what are you doing here?

I thought you were, uh, sick,

taking the day off. What--?

What's going on?

Oh, well, Brian's flying Helen and Antonio to Mexico.

Mexico?

And I hope they solve

their sex problems down there too.

Who--? Whose sex problems?

Helen and Antonio's.

They've been arguing with the priest

about it all morning.

I-- I've been trying to fix the plane,

which has not been easy,

what with all these bats flying around.

Bats, huh?

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Help me with the bats, Joe.

Okay.

Okay, there, uh, Batman.

What do you say we--?

We get you home, so you can get some rest, okay?

Okay.

Well, I'm a little broken up this morning

about Helen and Antonio.

Sure thought those two crazy kids

were gonna make it.

( mellow theme playing )

( thuds )

Hey. Hey, Helen, hi.

There you are. Oh.

Oh, sweetheart.

Oh. I had the best time.

I can't thank you enough for sending me on that trip.

Oh, good. I'm really glad.

So, um, what did you do this weekend?

Oh, gosh. I, uh, pfft, sat around, and,

you know, watched TV. And, you know,

washed my hair. And, um...

Oh, gosh, I just missed you so much.

It's really good to see you again.