Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Can't believe it. What is wrong with people?

Helen, what's the matter?

My wedding dress. It's supposed to have

three-quarter-length sleeves and buttons down the back.

But it's got cap sleeves and a zipper.

My wedding's three weeks away. I don't have the patience--

Helen, Helen, Helen. Calm down.

When I'm all upset-- You know, I need to relax, I--

I just go to my happy place.

You know, I-- I imagine that

I am lying on a tropical island,

and all my troubles just melt away.

Don't you have a special place where there are no problems,

and everybody's always happy?

Actually, I do have a place like that.

( Brady Bunch Theme playing )

Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

We're gonna go to school now.

Thanks for lunch, Alice.

See you after school.

Hey, Greg. You think you could pick me up

from football practice?

Oh, I'd like to, Peter.

But I'm meeting a groovy chick

after school for a soda.

Gee, Greg. You always get all the girls.

Well, thanks, Peter.

But the important thing is I always find time

to do my homework.

Hurry, Marcia. We're gonna be late.

Coming.

Four hundred and ninety eight.

Four hundred and ninety nine.

Five hundred.

Ready.

Gosh, Marcia, you look swell.

I know.

Hey, Marcia, that dress is really happening.

I know.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.

Well, come on, everyone.

Let's get in the car.

Oh. I'm not going with you guys today.

I'm riding with the captain of the football team.

He's dreamy.

I know.

( doorbell rings )

Hi, Marcia.

Hi, Joe.

So you ready to split?

Far out.

Hey, Joe. Great game last week.

I know.

So, uh... Marcia,

got a date for the prom?

I do now.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.

Everything always works out so great for Marcia.

( Brady Bunch Theme playing )

( inhales )

Thanks. I do feel better.

Good.

Helen. Yes?

Heard about your dress.

Thought maybe these would help. ( gasps )

Oh, Joe.

That's so sweet.

Helen, Helen, Helen.

Why does everything always work out so great for Helen?

( upbeat theme playing )

Okay. Brian and Casey are coming in any minute.

Oh, great. Good.

Um, hey, Lowell,

would you mind finishing that outside?

Oh. Uh, I'm sorry.

Is this some sort of private meeting?

No, no, no, no. It's just, uh, you know, family.

Oh.

Aren't I family?

Well, actually, no.

LOWELL: Huh.

Oh, really?

Well, when you shot me down

for a raise last year, you said--

and I quote --"We are all part

of the Sandpiper family."

Now, what was that all about?

That was about lying straight to your face

so I could save 3 bucks an hour.

( crying ): Well, I hope you're happy, Joe Hackett,

because you made me cry.

You know...I'm a little nervous about telling them.

Oh, it's not gonna be that bad.

And besides, Brian and Casey will get over it.

You know, Joe, once we're married, there's gonna be a lot

of things that we feel uncomfortable about.

The important thing is we do them together.

( door opens )

You, uh, wanted to see us?

Actually, Joe did.

( sighs )

What's going on?

Well, okay, here it is.

Um...

Helen and I have decided to move in together.

Whoa. Wow. ( laughs )

Oh-ho-ho. That's wonderful.

You guys, three weeks to go before you get married,

and you decided to live together.

You so crazy. Yeah. I know.

No, no. No, stop. No, no. That-- That's not--

We were just thinking that if we move in now,

then when we get back from the honeymoon, we'll be all settled.

Oh, that is so sweet.

The two of you starting your lives together.

Hm. I am so happy for you.

Wait, wait, wait. Don't you get it?

One of us is about to get

chucked out on his or her ass.

Oh, no. They wouldn't--

It's me, isn't it?

Oh, I don't believe this.

You can't just throw me out in the cold.

( sighs ) Don't worry, sugar.

I hear that the library

during the day is warm and dry.

And at night, underneath the pier

is a very popular spot.

( laughs )

Why don't you stay there?

Uh, I don't have to.

I'm not the statistic.

( laughing ) ( Joe speaks indistinctly )

Actually, uh...

Brian, we thought Casey would move in with you.

( laughing )

Huh?

What makes you think that I would want her

living at my house?

If you don't, I'm gonna rent my half of the house

to Scary Mel from the fuel dock.

Yeah, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Scary Mel, smells like fumes,

that thing he keeps in the box,

missing mother.

Casey.

I'll go with Scary Mel.

Come on. She's not that bad.

Excuse me.

You're talking about me like I'm not even here.

I think I have a say in this.

All right, Casey, I'll tell you what.

For every dollar you kick in for rent,

you get a dollar's worth of say.

I'll be outside if you need me.

So, uh, what's it gonna be, Brian?

"What's it gonna be, Brian?"

What, like you're giving me a choice?

I'm gonna do it, obviously.

But I just want you to know that I hate this,

and I'm never gonna forgive you.

( door opens )

( sighs ) ( door closes )

Well...it was rough,

but we got through it.

( mellow theme playing )

Honey, I'm home.

Oh-ho-ho. That-- That is so cute. Hey.

Oh, that's all you brought?

Yeah, well, I'll get the rest later.

It's a little hard to pack with two people trying to hit you.

So...

what do you want to do on our first night together

in our house?

Oh, let's see. I thought maybe we could...

Um, Helen-- Helen.

Has this chair always been like this?

Uh, like what?

It's got grapes all over it.

So? It's a fruit chair.

It's covered with fruit.

And, uh, that means...? ( scoffs )

It's feminine.

I mean, no man is gonna buy a chair like this.

Oh, sure he would.

Oh, come on, Helen.

No guy's gonna walk into a furniture store

and say, "Excuse me, could I please see something in fruit?"

Okay. I tell you what.

Since fruit is feminine...

tomorrow we'll go out and we'll buy a couch

that has little pictures of Steven Seagal on it.

Okay. If the chair bothers you, we'll lose it.

This is our house, and I want you to be happy.

Great.

And, uh, it will give me more room

when I set up my TV.

You-- Were you gonna put up a TV in here?

No. I'm gonna come home after a hard day's work,

plop down on the couch and stare at that fruit chair.

Well, J-Joe, see,

a living room is a social place to sit and talk.

Um, it's not a place to veg out and watch TV.

You know, that's what the bedroom is for.

Helen, you know what? I--

I'm not sure if this is gonna work.

I mean, we should just consider moving into my house.

Oh, yeah, that's how I want to start my married life.

At Delta Lambda Hackett House.

Trust me, there ain't enough potpourri on this earth

to cover that smell.

Hey, you only notice it when you first come in.

Okay, we can't live at my house. Can't live at your house.

What do we do, get a new place?

Well, you know-- Wait a minute.

That's not a bad idea.

I mean, if you sold this house, and Brian bought me out of mine,

we'd have enough money. We could get a pretty good place.

We could.

All right. Let-- Let's do that.

It's settled. House hunting tomorrow?

Great.

So, what do you want to do now?

Oh, let's see. Mm, I've got an idea.

We could go upstairs to the bedroom...

Oh, yeah. The TV's up there.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well...that was a total bust. Hm.

Where have you two been?

We were out all morning house hunting.

We covered the entire island,

came up absolutely nothing.

No-- Uh, well, Helen, that is not exactly true.

That last place we saw was great.

It had a big, big yard, lots of bedrooms,

and the owner was desperate to unload the place.

I told you, I am not living next to Roy.

Well, maybe we should just keep living at your house.

No. Big mistake.

According to an article I read in Guns & Ammo...

newlyweds should never live anyplace

that either of them have lived before.

Too much emotional baggage.

You read that in Guns & Ammo?

All right. You caught me.

It was Ladies' Home Journal.

I've been hooked ever since I read that article,

"How to Cope With the Change."

Morning. HELEN: Morning.

So how did it go last night with Brian?

Surprisingly well.

I had a lovely dinner and then I read a little,

then I just fell right to sleep.

No problems with Brian?

Nope, not a one.

You!

What?

You recall sometime...

around 2 a.m.

a loud banging at the front door?

Well...I was sleeping pretty soundly,

but now that you mention it,

yeah, I remember hearing noise. I thought it was the wind.

( laughs ): Oh, the wind.

When was the last time you heard the wind say, "I lost my key.

Let me in, you redheaded nightmare"?

HELEN: Hey, guys.

Isn't that that creep, Lewis?

JOE: Oh, yeah. You're right.

Oh, God. Let's hope Carlton's not coming to meet him.

Who's Carlton? His uncle, Carlton Blanchard.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

I think we agreed never to speak that name

in my presence.

Wha--? Uh, what's so bad about him?

Oh, he is the meanest, cruelest,

most obnoxious little old man

you have ever met in your life.

There's not a single person on this island who can stand him.

He's the devil.

Sad news, island people.

My uncle, Carlton, is dying.

( cackles )

Antonio. Uh--

I-- I'm sorry. Uh-- Uh-- Uh-- Uh--

M-maybe I heard wrong.

What did you say?

I said my uncle, Carlton, is dying.

( laughs )

It's even better the second time.

I came to be by his bedside.

The doctors don't think he'll make it through the night.

Where can I get a candy bar?

Oh, wait a minute.

I see something sweet right here. ( scoffs )

Um, you must hear this a lot.

( coughs, gags )

Oh. A flirt.

So, uh, Lewis, about-- About Carlton dying?

Yeah, the minute he dies I get everything.

The whole kit and caboodle.

Lots and lots of stuff.

It's a...

very hard time for me.

Yeah, I can see that.

Well, how can I live around all those reminders

of my dear Uncle Carlton?

That's why I've decided to

sell it all at low, low prices.

Prices so low I'm practically giving it away.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wha--?

What exactly do you mean, "reminders"?

Please.

While my Uncle Carlton is clinging to his life,

how can I even discuss

selling his cherished '68 Barracuda?

Mint condition.

S-six-- Sixty-eight.

That-- That's-- That's one of the all-time great muscle cars.

Hey, you know, um...

maybe I should just come over later tonight

and grieve with you.

That would mean a lot to me.

I'll bring my checkbook.

That would mean even more.

Yeah, you know, maybe, uh--

Maybe I should come over and pay my respects

to old Carlton too.

Any chance his estate would include

some really nice pieces of furniture?

When sorrow comes, it's hard to remember two credenzas,

an armoire and a Biedermeier table that seats 14.

Oh. ( whistles )

Oh-ho, I'd kill for a Biedermeier.

You won't have to.

His pulse is down to 30.

( lively theme playing )

Thank you for coming.

If you'd like to see my uncle

before he dies... ( door closes )

I suggest you take two stairs at a time.

Uh, no, no. I-- I'd go up and see him,

but, uh...I'm just too emotional.

I think I'll stay down here, heh-heh,

with his furniture.

( knock )

Hello, Lewis. Hi, Lewis.

Um...

we thought we'd come by and pay our respects.

Well, I take great comfort in that.

Hey, big boy!

You break that, you're buying it!

What's Roy doing?

Oh, my God, he's shopping.

Now, how can he possibly take advantage of a man on--?

On his deathbed? He should be ashamed of--

Ooh, butter cookies.

You know...

Helen, we weren't exactly friends of Carlton,

but I'm glad we came here today.

Yeah. It was the right thing to do.

You know, when my time comes,

I wouldn't want to be alone

in a big old house with...

high ceilings...

Yeah, it's really sad.

...gorgeous woodwork...

Poor guy. ...and a fireplace.

Helen, what are you do--?

Are you checking out this house?

My God, woman, the man's upstairs dying.

All right. I know, you're right. I'm sorry.

All right, we came here to pay our respects,

so...let's go upstairs and do that.

And on our way, if we just happened to measure

a few bedrooms, where's the harm?

Oh, you know what?

I am not jumping on this bandwagon.

In my family we were raised not to cash in

on other people's misfortunes.

Hey, is Carlton dead yet?

Just want to find out when the car

had its last oil change.

Would you please show a little respect?

I am.

I noticed a ding in the fender,

I'm not even lowering my offer.

JOE: Well, uh-- You-- You know what?

You are ghouls. All of you are ghouls.

Why don't you just run over him in his own car

and bury him under his solid oak floors?

Hey, you could get into trouble

for something like that.

Couldn't you?

All right, that is it. I'm out of here.

Wait, wait. I don't want you to get the wrong idea.

Here, look.

All I want is for my Uncle Carlton to get well,

so he doesn't have to see his beloved home go for...

not a penny less than that.

Hey-- Lewis, this is disgusting.

This is terrible. This is...

definitely in the ballpark.

( lively theme playing )

Lewis, I-- I-- I feel terrible about laughing before.

Oh. Why does Carlton have to die?

He's really a sweet old man.

There I was hating him. I-- I feel so guilty.

Look, we can all walk around feeling sorry for ourselves.

I mean, look at me.

Do you have any idea what kind of hit I'm gonna take

on inheritance taxes?

Is there an Antonio here?

He is asking for you.

He-- He's asking for me? Yes, uh--

He wants you to give him a final footbath.

What? Footbath? Huh.

I'll rot in hell before I'll do that.

How can you deny a dying man his final wish?

( sighs )

All right. All right, I'll do it.

Yuck.

Oh, and if he starts asking for his mother,

there's a wig right next to the bed.

Come on, Fay.

This is really important.

Uh-- Now, look. I don't know if that's Portuguese tile

around the sink, and I don't care.

I think it's terribly insensitive of you

to conduct yourselves this way

when there's a man upstairs dy--

Hello, doctor. Heh.

I'm Fay Cochran, widow.

How are you?

Uh, no, how are you?

At a time like this, people are always so concerned

with the patient,

and they tend to overlook the doctor.

Well, not me.

Well, that's very nice of you, but, uh, if you excuse me,

I think I'd better check on Mr. Blanchard.

Uh, well-- Uh, why don't I give you a hand.

I'm a whiz with a tongue depressor.

Hey, Joe. Brought my tools.

I'm here to check out the house.

Where you want me to start?

Go down in the basement and check out

the electrical and the plumbing.

All right.

But I gotta tell you, I feel pretty weird about this,

what with the guy, you know, clinging to life up there.

Ooh, butter cookies.

You brought in someone

to inspect the house?

You don't trust me?

I'm impressed.

I had you figured as one of those E-I-E-I-O guys.

( laughing )

Lewis, you couldn't be more wrong.

I'm a businessman. I know my way around a negotiation.

( clicks tongue ) Well, that's good.

But I better warn you.

I have two buyers who already placed bids on this house.

Really? Who? Whatever they offer, I'll beat it.

Ah. You're really gonna keep me on my toes.

Hey, Joe.

I'm down here trying to label the circuit breaker.

Uh...can't figure out

which room goes to which breaker.

Anything go off up here?

What's happening? The-- His heart monitor just stopped.

Master bedroom. Thank you.

Joe. There's a room upstairs that's perfect for a nursery.

If you think that's something,

wait till you see the master bedroom.

Oh, I-- I think going in there right now,

with Carlton in this condition, would be kind of tacky.

Yeah, you're right. It would be kind of tacky.

I'll just go up and snap a Polaroid.

Uh, you know, was just out in the garage

with the car and, uh...

I'm starting to not have

such a good feeling about all this.

What turned you around?

I found another ding.

Here. Here's a picture of the master bedroom.

Now, the picture really doesn't do it justice,

but if you put your thumb over that guy

who is washing my uncle's feet...

you get a much better idea.

Now, L-Lewis, I'm feeling a little guilty about--

Is that a fireplace? Oh, my God.

The master bedroom has a fireplace.

Oh, wow.

Of course, it's...

gonna be kind of creepy

knowing someone died in our bedroom.

Hey, no problem.

If he starts to fail,

we'll just push him out in the hall.

Helen. Helen, I--

I came as soon as I heard. Am I too late?

Oh, no, relax. We haven't made a bid yet.

Oh, good. Where's my room?

I'm thinking of doing it in Wedgwood blue.

Oh, Red. Oh.

You've come to be with me in my hour of need.

Oh, from head to toe, you are by far the most repulsive man

I have ever met.

Ah. So you've been checking me out.

Ew.

( groaning )

Carlton just kissed me on the nose and said...

"Thanks, Nana."

Listen, Lewis.

Uh, ahem, Helen and I have talked things over,

and we are prepared to offer this much for the house.

Oh, you're very sweet people.

Trying to make me laugh

in my hour of grief.

Come on, Lewis. We're not idiots.

How much do you think it's gonna cost us

to fix up this old place?

Joe, I gotta tell you, this place is impeccable.

Talk about move-in condition--

Yeah, thank you, Lowell. Thank you very much.

Lowell, thank you.

Lowell...my truck's parked outside.

Give me a hand with this rug.

Roy. What are you gonna do with that rug?

I'm taking it home. I made a deal with Lewis for it.

Oh, yeah? Like hell you did.

My offer includes all rugs.

All but this one, sparky.

Helen, he's stealing our rug. The hell he is.

Hey. Oh-- Hey. Get off!

Chappel.

Hey. There's enough for everyone.

Everyone will get a taste.

Mr. Blanchard...

I think you'd better come upstairs quick.

Hot dog!

( gasps )

I mean...oh, no.

Oh, Joe.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Hey, hey, hey. Great news, everybody.

There's an antique pool table in the basement.

( chuckles )

What, it sold already?

It's Carlton.

We think this might be the end.

Ah. Boy.

Joe, I feel awful now.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, I'm no better than you are,

trying to make time with his doctor.

Yeah. I was driving his car.

You know, all he ever wanted to do was be friends,

and look at all of us.

We swooped down on him like a bunch of vultures.

God's sakes, man, pull yourself together.

It's the shock.

That's the worst part about it: the shock.

Was he at least comfortable at the end, doctor?

W-- What do you mean?

No, no, no. He-- He passed through the crisis.

He's gonna live. ( chuckles )

What? I don't understand.

Uh, minutes ago, he was knocking at death's door.

Well, unfortunately,

nobody was home.

You know, I think it was hearing

all your voices down here,

and knowing that so many people cared about him,

that made the difference.

The way his heart's beating right now...

he could live another 20 years.

Well...I'd better go upstairs.

My uncle needs me.

Lewis.

No.

What? I was just gonna prop his head up.

( laughs uncomfortably )

Lewis!

( upbeat theme playing )

( plane flying overhead )

Hey-- Uh, Lewis. What are you still doing here?

I thought you left several days ago.

Nah. As a matter of fact I just came by to pick up

a get-well present I ordered for my uncle.

Oh, Mona.

Over here.

If this doesn't kill him,

nothing will.