Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, guys.

Look what I just got.

Wow, a new camcorder.

Looks expensive. Where'd you get the money?

Oh, Joe, why can't you just let him enjoy it?

Why do you have to be so cynical?

Where'd you get the money for that?

Sandpiper petty cash.

All right. W-wait, wait, wait. Before you get so uptight,

don't you even wanna know why I bought this?

Oh. This oughta be good.

Okay.

( sighs )

I bought it to make a wedding gift

for you and Helen.

A wedding gift?

Yeah. A videotape of you and your friends

telling the story of how you guys got together.

You know, the whole relationship.

I thought it would be something

that you could show your grandchildren, you know?

Something that the whole family would treasure.

Wow.

I don't know what to say.

That's really nice of you, you know.

I'm sorry, brother.

Heh. Thanks.

( chuckling )

Brian, th-th-tha-- That is a lovely, lovely idea.

I'm very impressed.

Yeah. Me too.

Some of the quickest thinking I've ever done.

The problem is now I gotta make the stupid thing.

( upbeat theme playing )

Okay, Fay, we're rolling.

So, quickly as you can,

just tell the camera how Joe and Helen

first got together.

I knew Joe and Helen when they were just friends.

But even back then I could tell they had a thing

for each other.

I mean, they may not have known it, but I did.

Joe, it's just a difference in technique, that's all.

You're a stiff-lipper, and I'm a soft.

It's no big deal.

Well, I never really thought about it before.

Does it make that much of a difference?

Yes.

Here, I'll show you.

What? You wanna kiss me again?

Oh, don't be stupid.

This is just an acting exercise.

Now, just relax.

Don't pucker up like Dudley Do-Right.

Just relax your lips.

Mm. Like that?

That was better. That was much better.

Well, thanks for the tip.

Good night.

Good night.

BRIAN: Anyway, tell me about your first date.

Oh, well, um, we'd been friends for so long

that at first it was kind of strange.

( both laughing )

No, I don't think so.

O-once more. No.

Hey, once more.

Be serious.

( laughs )

Serious.

( tender theme playing )

It's been a long day.

Yeah, I'm kind of beat myself.

And I'm certainly not getting any rest back here.

Brian, what are--? ( shouting )

BRIAN: When did you first meet Joe and Helen?

Oh, uh-- Oh, that was, uh--

That was was their first Valentine's Day

as boyfriend and girlfriend.

I-I was working as a--

As a waiter in an Italian restaurant.

And there was this big mix-up.

And then Helen ended up waiting for Joe

the whole night all alone.

I hate to see a beautiful woman alone on such a romantic night.

Jacomo, viene!

Uh, no, I--

He's only a busboy now

but he has head waiter written all over him.

Oh, no. It's really o-- I'm--

Signorina, meet my cousin Jacomo.

Hello. Your valentine for this evening.

( clears throat )

Hi.

( speaking in Italian )

What'd he say?

He say you're nice.

I give it a year, tops.

BRIAN: Uh, you're supposed to say something nice, Roy.

That was something nice.

I really only give it six months.

Would you say something positive?

Oh, all right. All right, uh...

( chuckles )

Those two sure could fight.

JOE: Helen, what are--?

What are you gonna--?

( yelps )

Oh, no.

No, no, you wouldn't.

Oh, no? Okay. All right.

You wanna play hardball?

( strings squeak )

You stab the plane, the cello here gets it.

Let the cello go, Joe, and nobody gets hurt.

You put that ice pick down or this cello's

gonna be playing in the violin section.

You don't think I'll do it, do you?

No. Guess again!

( air hisses )

( screams )

( Helen screams )

( Joe laughing )

Yes!

You're messy Joe. You're messy, messy, messy.

I cannot believe you did this to me.

I-- I can't believe you--

Believe Joe, believe.

Why, you snot-faced, little--

( screams )

( screams )

Truce! Truce!

Look at us.

We're acting like children.

This is ridiculous.

Put the fire extinguisher down.

You put the grease gun down first.

Oh, honey.

Oh, see, it was more of a-- A spat than a fight.

Yeah. BRIAN: Well, what--?

No, what happened then?

( stammers, chuckles )

I don't wanna talk about it.

Joe, what happened then?

She left me.

Every musician worth his salt has to take a shot at New York.

If I can make it there, I can make it any--

Well, you know.

Helen, just wait. Just wait.

Please stay.

I can't.

But thank you for asking.

Helen...

I love you.

I love you too.

And that was it. We broke up.

( sniffling )

BRIAN: Uh, Helen, then--? Then what happened?

Well, um...

( crying )

Cut.

( mellow theme playing )

Helen, are--? Are you--? Are you okay now?

Yes, I'm fine. Okay.

So you went to New York to pursue your music career.

And eight months later you came back a complete failure.

Oh, thanks, Brian. I'd almost gotten over that.

All right. All right. All right.

I've got an announcement to make.

I'm only gonna say this once.

New York sucked.

It was terrible. My life was terrible.

My job was terrible.

I lived in a terrible rat-infested apartment building.

It was the absolute low point of my existence.

And I don't wanna ever, ever, ever,

ever talk about that city again.

Okay. Any questions?

Did you see any good shows?

The only show I saw was a man peeing on 42nd Street.

Was that the new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical?

Now, when Helen found out that Joe was dating another woman

while she was in New York, she--

Well, now, how can I put this nicely?

She went loony.

She freaked.

She went psycho.

I did not go psycho.

JOE: Helen.

Helen, you know I don't allow cars in here.

She knows I don't.

( engine revs )

( tires squeal )

Okay, I admit I had some unresolved issues,

but that's why I went to the therapy group

and worked them all out.

Why don't we try a little role play.

I mean, one of our men here could pretend to be Joe

and the two of you could have a conversation.

Tell Joe what you really think of him.

( giggles )

No. I couldn't tell him what I really think of Joe.

MAN: Use me.

I'm a tool.

Okay.

Joe...

( mouths ): That's me, yes.

You shouldn't have treated me the way you did.

You lied to me.

You tricked me.

You let me believe we had a relationship.

Just who the hell do you think you are,

two-timing me with some floozy?

I'll tell ya who you are,

you're a no-good, cheat, liar, pious, self-righteous S.O.B.,

and I'd like to bite your head off and shove it down your neck!

I don't wanna play anymore.

So Joe and Helen went right--

What are you doing? What are you doing?

I wanna be in the shot.

No, you can't be in the--

Ju-- Ju-- Get back there. Come on.

Please. This is for, you know, my brother.

Okay. So Joe and Helen went right on pretending

that they weren't in love.

But who were they kidding, huh?

( laughing )

Joe, I'm so over you, it's not even funny.

Yeah, you wish you were over me.

You wish you were all over me.

You know what I think?

I think you're the one not over me yet.

( chuckling ) Ha!

Oh, I feel nothing for you.

I-I-- Less than nothing.

I'm more attracted to that piece of meat.

Oh, yeah?

Then why don't you kiss it?

Uh, you know, uh, that really wasn't a kiss.

This is more of a kiss:

Yeah. That was more like your kisses: cold and dead.

( Helen squeaks )

What the hell was that? ( stammering )

I don't know. I don't know.

One minute we're spanking each other with meat,

the next minute it got weird.

ANTONIO: Okay, about Joe and Helen--

Yo, Brian, over here.

Hello. Brian!

BRIAN: Yeah, I was just--

I was just adjusting the focus, there.

Y-y-yeah, right.

As I was saying, um, it--

I-it's strange, me talking about Joe and Helen, uh,

because, after all, I was her first husband.

I think some marriages are-- Are based on love.

Uh, ours was based on something even more powerful:

My fear of getting my butt kicked out of the country.

Excuse me.

I'm George Fulham from Immigration-Naturalization.

I'm supposed to meet an Antonio Scarpacci.

Does anyone here know him?

Uh, no, I don't. Do you, Joe?

No. I don't.

You, Lowell?

No. I don't.

Do you, Antonio?

I am Antonio Scarpacci.

How do you do?

So this meeting was supposed to be with you and your fiancée.

Where is she?

Uh, my fiancée...

Uh, she's...

She's, uh...

Right here, you silly.

He's always kiddin' around.

( laughs )

I'm such a nut.

Joe and Helen? I don't even know them.

What am I supposed to say?

BRIAN: Well, uh, just tell them about yourself.

Okay. Well, my name is Brooke.

Uh-huh. I'm from Newton, Massachusetts.

Uh-huh. I have a wonderful husband.

Well, for the next year or so, Joe and Helen played the field.

I mean, they're intelligent, attractive people.

It's not as though they had a hard time finding dates.

Are you trying to hurt my feelings?

You don't have any feelings!

You're a puppet! You're made of wood!

Would you just shut up?

( laughing obnoxiously )

Well, uh, I know that Helen

is not gonna like this part too much,

but as far as dating goes,

I was on a real roll there for a while.

Oh, no-- Oh, yeah.

--he's gonna bring up the 19-year-old again.

Well, come on. We had a lot in common.

I'm meeting a bunch of my friends there

and I happen to know there's an extra ticket.

Wanna go?

Yeah. Why not?

I'd love to go see Pearl Jam.

Joe Hackett at a Pearl Jam concert?

( laughs )

Pearl Bailey, maybe.

You going out with a girl that age is crazy.

She is a child.

What could you possibly have in common?

I mean, for God sakes, Joe, I bathed that girl.

I tucked her in.

What a coincidence.

I, on the other hand, went out with more appropriate people,

decent men, my own age, who shared common interests.

I'd like you to dress up like Little Bo Peep...

...hog-tie me to the bedpost and spank me for being the bad,

bad boy that I am.

Excuse me.

I know the going rate for you girls is $300

but for this I'm willing to up it to five.

Oh, my God.

This is the most disgust--

Five hundred dollars?

Hey, don't make it sound like

that's the only kind of guys I went out with.

You brought up the 19-year-old.

Well, if I didn't, you sure would have.

Oh, and it drives you crazy, doesn't it?

Oh, don't you wish it did?

BRIAN: So when did you two realize

that you couldn't live without each other?

BOTH: Cut.

( mellow theme playing )

Okay, Fay, so Joe and Helen were going along fine,

two friends...

Oh, uh, yeah, a-and then Davis Lynch

came into the picture.

You see, uh, Joe wanted to expand the airline

so he flew Davis in and tried to get him to invest.

The only problem was Davis was more interested

in Helen than he was in Sandpiper.

I've learned you don't invest in business,

you invest in people.

Great, sure, I'd be glad to show you--

Uh-uh-uh.

But you'd rather go with someone like...

Helen? Mmm.

Could you maybe show Lynch around the island?

Well, why me?

Well, uh...

I guess he's lookin' for a little,

you know, companionship.

Oh, really?

So he wanted a girl and you just pointed at me.

No, no, no. He pointed at you, and I said okay.

Look, take him around and show him a good time.

Excuse me. Entertain him.

Give him the lay of the land.

Oh, I-- Oh, boy, that came out wrong.

The best part was that Chappel and Lynch

ended up dating for over a year.

( laughing )

It drove Hackett nuts.

He brought me a present.

Helen, you shouldn't open that.

Yes, I'm gonna open it.

That way I'll know how to reciprocate.

You know, cover my butt.

Well that's certainly not gonna do it.

Oh, God, I hope this is not for me.

Maybe he bought it for another woman.

Bastard.

Maybe it's for him...

the bitch.

Oh, I remember the day that Davis proposed to Helen

like it was yesterday.

Wait, what did I do yesterday?

I want you to marry me.

Um, what?

Are you gonna make me say this again?

Yeah, I-I think I definitely need to hear that one more time.

Helen, will you marry me?

( voice cracking ): Yes.

I'll tell you, my brother Joe is one classy guy.

I mean, even though he was still in love with Helen,

he wasn't about to stand in her way.

Listen, Helen, um, I just--

I just wanna say congratulations again.

You know, I-I'm sure that you and Davis will be really happy.

Yes, we are.

I-- I think that I really picked the right man.

Mm-hm.

BRIAN: Which led to one of the weirder moments of my life.

It's true what they say, you know.

Once you break up with somebody

you can never get back together, huh?

Huh?

Oh, come on, Joey, talk to me.

Yeow!

But when it's right, it's right.

And after that night,

Joe and Helen knew immediately that what they had

was the stuff dreams are made of.

No, look, listen, you cannot just run out on me--

Ugh, Joe, would you quit making such a big deal about this?

What we did last night was just sex.

Nothing else. It was just sex.

That's all it was: sex!

So I went off to New York

thinking that I was gonna marry Davis.

And then Joe chased after me

and proposed to me in Davis' elevator.

Damn it, Helen.

When you walked out this morning,

I-I felt all the life drain out of me.

I sat at that counter, and all I could think about

is all the years we've known each other, since we were kids.

We've already spent a lifetime together.

Nobody knows me better than you.

No one knows you better than I do.

How can you even think about marrying Lynch?

It's wrong.

Having kids with him,

growing old together,

that's our marriage.

Those are our kids.

That's our lifetime.

We're supposed to be together.

I love you, Helen.

Well, I guess, uh...

sometimes love just isn't enough, huh?

( elevator whirrs )

Ask me again.

What?

Ask me again.

Will you marry me?

Oh, what the heck.

BRIAN: So now that they're finally getting married,

is there anything you'd like to say to Joe and Helen?

Well, Joe, you've always been like a son.

And, Helen, you've always been like a daughter.

So, for me, I feel like my son and daughter

are marrying each other.

Oh, wait. That's kind of sick.

Helen, Joe, now that you're a couple, uh,

when you come home at night

someone will always be there waiting for you.

Unlike, say, me.

Hackett, Chappel, I've worked alongside you

for many years now.

BRIAN: Yes?

Go on. I'm still rolling.

I was done.

Helen, you're my baby sister and I love you.

I just hope that your marriage isn't the rotting cesspool

of disappointment, lies and betrayal that mine was.

Cheers.

Now, let's see. Joe, Helen, what can I say?

( Brian clears throat )

Lowell? Lowell?

I'm thinking.

Okay. That's about it.

That's-- That's my gift to you.

Um...

Now, uh, just one more thing to my brother Joe.

Uh, well, you're more than my brother.

You're my best friend.

And, um, to my other best friend, Helen,

I just wanna say that I couldn't be

happier or prouder

that you're gonna be my new sister-in-law. Agh!

So, um...

I wish you a long and happy, happy marriage.

( crying ): Oh, I'm so alone.

Oh, God.

BRIAN: So are you guys nervous about getting married or what, huh?

Absolutely not.

We've never been more sure of anything in our lives.

Right, Joe? Oh, absolutely.

Okay, so, uh, now give each other a big kiss

for the camera.

Come on.

Co-- Oh. No, eh, come on.

Big smooch for eternity.

Let's go. Put 'em together.

I love you.

I love you too.

God, do you believe Grandma and Grandpa were ever that young?

Mm-mm.

( mellow theme playing )

( instrumental version of "Isn't It Romantic" playing )