Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( gasps )

Oh.

Hi. What do you think?

Oh, Helen, it's beautiful.

You know, ever since I was a little girl,

I dreamed of a dress just like this.

Now I have the dress, and the boobs to go with it.

( laughs )

Uh-- Uh, but why are you wearing it

in the middle of the airport?

It was just delivered from New York,

and I couldn't wait to try it on.

Oh. Ooh, uh, whatever you do,

don't let Joe see you in it.

You know, it's bad luck if the groom sees the bride

in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

I know. That's why I waited till Joe was off on his flight.

Oh, no. Th-- That flight got in early.

He's on his way in. No.

If he sees me, I can't wear this dress.

Hi, Fay. Oh, hi.

Uh, did I get any phone calls?

Uh, yes. Your barber called.

He wants you to confirm your appointment for tomorrow.

My barber?

That's sort of weird.

I just got a haircut last week. Out of the way.

FAY: Well, he just realized... Move!

...that he forgot to even out your sideburns.

And besides, you're getting

a little ragged around the ears. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me! Get out of my way! All right.

I'll call him in a little while. I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.

No, no, no!

Lowell, let me in. ( drill whirs )

LOWELL: Just a second, Helen.

Okay, now.

Oh, Helen, you're getting

that pretty dress all dirty. No.

Come on up. No. No!

Come on up here. All right. Ooh. Get up here.

Helen, you look beautiful. That dress is perfect.

( crying )

Oh, nice going.

Don't you know it's bad luck to see the bride

in her wedding dr--?

Oops.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Joe. I have some good news.

Oh, uh, you found a new dress?

( plane flies overhead )

Oh-- Oh, honey. Okay, okay, all right. All right.

Okay, okay. L-- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What's your good news?

Well, it turns out that the reverend

that I really want to marry us is available.

Oh, that's terrific. And so he's gonna come here

to meet with us and talk about the ceremony.

He can help us come up with something really unique.

Uh...how unique?

Well, I was thinking maybe a Hindu love chant--

No. Forget it. Nope. No.

No, I don't want any of that weird

woo-woo stuff at our wedding.

It's not woo-woo st--

Oh. Maybe it's a little woo-woo.

Oh, Joe, I want woo-woo.

( claps hands ) Hey! Guess who

just got asked to be a guest

on the Mary Pat Lee Show?

You're kidding. Really?

Uh-huh. That's right.

They're doing a segment on men

who are smart, sexy, and single.

( chuckles )

And they wanted you?

Actually, they were asking about you,

but I told 'em you were engaged.

Really?

No, but I just love that pathetic,

hopeful look in your eyes.

Like I really want to be on that stupid show.

I mean, uh, only women in curlers and housecoats

watch the Mary Pat Lee Show.

Mary Pat Lee?

Oh, I love that show.

I mean...

I only watch it because

it comes on after my stories.

I cannot believe that you get to be on that show.

You're gonna be on Mary Pat Lee?

Yes, I am.

( gasps )

They said that I can invite all my friends

to sit in the studio audience, so...

you guys are all invited.

( gasps )

I'm not gonna miss this.

I'll come.

Yeah, it'll be next Thursday.

Oh, no. Thursday's the day

we have to meet with the reverend.

Well, honey, blow him off. I wanna see Brian on TV.

Joe, you don't blow off a man of the cloth.

Besides, Thursday's the only day he's available.

Oh, what's the big deal? It's just a talk show.

Just a talk show?

Obviously, you didn't see the one

where Mary Pat Lee broke down on the air

and confessed that she'd once been addicted to nose spray.

She-- She helped so many of us that day.

( upbeat theme playing )

Fay, uh...

did Reverend Powell call?

Oh, I don't know. I've been swamped. ( sighs )

I'm really sorry, but I cannot let you go

to see Brian's show.

I need someone here to take reservations.

Well-- A-And it's a good thing I stayed.

Uh, please everybody, get in line.

I can only handle one of you at a time.

Helen, look, this reverend is already over three minutes late.

Obviously, he's not gonna show.

So, uh, I'm just gonna get going so I have time

to get to Boston and see Brian's show.

HELEN: Look, there he is.

Now, look, Joe, this is our wedding.

Now, we're not just gonna race through it

just because you want to go to Brian's show.

Okay. Fine, fine. Come on. Let's get this over with.

Uh, Reverend Powell, hi. I'm Joe. She's Helen.

Hello. Well, enough small talk.

Let's get this show on the road.

Um, reverend... ( clears throat )

...we are so pleased that you took the time

to come here and talk with us today.

So...

You are...

getting...

married.

( mouths ): Yup.

Tell me...

why?

Well, I love her, she loves me.

There's not really much more to it.

Love...

is a...

good place...

to start.

But marriage...

takes work...

and...

patience--

Patience, got it. Anything else?

Okay?

Joe. Sweetheart.

Slow down.

You have no place to go.

I understand...

Helen. ( sighs )

I'm reminded...

of a story.

( sighs )

About a shepherd.

The shepherd...

was resting...

with his flock...

by the...side...

of the--

Road, river, silvery moon? Um...

No.

Meadow.

Can I get you something to drink?

A double espresso, something?

Thank you, no.

I've had...

three...

cups...

today.

I'm...

pretty...

hyper.

( grunts )

( mellow theme playing )

Oh. I can't believe

we're here where the magic happens.

Oh, look. Look. Right there.

Right there is where Mary Pat broke down

and confessed she once did a porn video.

And-- And over there-- Over there's where

she broke down and confessed that she had an eating disorder.

And...right here. Right here is where

she just broke down

and confessed that she paid

for her tummy tuck out of the show's petty cash.

She's human, like the rest of us.

Damn.

What's wrong?

You know what?

Before I left the house this morning,

I think I might have left my iron on.

Ah. So what's the worst that can happen?

Your house burns down, you lose everything.

What's the big deal?

Yeah, you're right. Let's enjoy the show.

Oh, look. Look, there's Brian. Hey.

There's Brian. Hey, look. There's Mary Pat.

You must be Brian Hackett.

Hi. Hi. I'm Mary Pat Lee.

Uh. Thanks for being here.

Hey, hey, hey. I'm very flattered that you asked.

Now, what we're gonna do is start with you.

We'll take some questions, and then we'll bring out

some of the other guys. Okay.

You're not nervous, are you?

Me? No, no, no, no. In fact, I've been on TV before.

Uh, once, when I was 2-and-a-half years old,

I was on the Uncle Hippity-Hop Show.

I was the one who accidentally

went to the bathroom in the carrot patch.

( laughs )

You're great. ( mumbles )

We're gonna have fun. Okay.

( claps hands ) ( chuckles )

( energetic theme music playing )

Hi. I'm Mary Pat Lee.

( cheering, applause )

Well, you've dated them and hated them.

Girls, they make us promises,

and then they make a run for it.

Today's show,

"Men Who Can't Commit.

What the Hell is Their Problem?"

Huh?

Who are these commitment-phobic creeps

who crawl into your heart

and crack it wide open?

Let me introduce our first guest...

Brian Hackett.

( all boo )

Wait, wait, wait. Th-- There must be some mistake, uh...

I'm smart, sexy and single.

How many times have we fallen for that line, girls?

Too many. Too many!

You-- You-- You-- You tricked me.

I-I-- I shouldn't be on this program.

I-- I've-- I've never had a problem with commitment

of any kind.

Oh, really? Well, that's not what

your ex-girlfriend tells us.

Oh, uh...how would you know that?

Because...

she's right here.

( audience murmuring )

Alex.

Hi, Brian.

( mellow theme playing )

( mellow theme playing )

I know it hurts.

Just tell your story.

Well, this is kind of hard.

Um...when I first met Brian,

I wasn't very interested.

But he was so persistent and so charming

that he finally won me over.

Oh, do I know that scene.

In fact...I have a confession to make.

( all gasp )

My last boyfriend pursued me for months.

And when I finally gave myself to him,

he dumped me for my sister.

( audience gasps )

I was devastated.

So you were saying?

Well-- We started dating.

Uh, then he wanted to move in together.

I was a little nervous, but he talked me into it.

Then the next thing I knew,

he freaked and wanted out.

So, what he did was seduce you,

use you and lose you.

Excuse me, I have something to say.

Yes?

Are we ever gonna get to smart, sexy and single,

or has that boat sailed?

This is pathetic.

I cannot stand seeing Hackett torn apart like that.

If I was up there, she wouldn't be getting away with this.

She'd be the one twisting in the wind.

Mary Pat. Mary Pat. We have a comment over here.

Shh!

All right, I just wanted to say that all you chicks are just--

"Chicks!" What tar pit did you crawl out of?

Well-- Well-- Uh-- Um, I...

For your information, Org,

I am not a chick.

I am a woman who demands to be treated with respect.

Well, actually, what I wanted to say is--

What you wanted to say is,

you want to see us all barefoot and pregnant.

Well, screw that.

Now, sit down and shut up.

Yes, ma'am.

( all applaud )

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

I've got something to say.

I'm Lowell Mather...

and I think I left my iron on.

Anybody's--

Anybody's anywhere near 213 Church Lane in Nantucket,

uh, could you check it for me?

Key's under the mat. Thank you.

Brian...

talk to us.

What are you thinking?

Tsk. What am I thinking? I'll tell you what I'm thinking.

Uh, I'm thinking I can't believe she did this.

I think that this is really low.

Oh, really?

One minute you're telling me you love me,

the next minute you're-- You're telling me

you need your space and you want to date other people.

How's that for low?

( audience applauds )

Sounds like it's going great.

Oh, it is. It is. This is one of the best shows ever.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were meeting with that minister.

Oh, oh. You mean Reverend Valium?

No, uh-- I ditched him during one of his pauses.

Oh, my God. Is that Alex?

Sir? Sir? Did you have something to say?

Um, uh...

Yeah. Um,

I'm Brian's brother, Joe.

Joe. What do you think

of your brother's relationships with women?

Well, hey, what can I say? He's a Hackett.

I mean, he's a heartbreaker.

As a matter of fact, if you're bringing out

old girlfriends, you should have booked a stadium. Hoo, hoo, hoo.

Joe. Joe!

Well, I think it runs in the family.

( laughs ): I-it sure does, baby.

Let's get back to Brian:

a heartless heel who, when it comes to women,

hunts 'em, hurts 'em

and humiliates 'em.

Go on, girl.

( all cheer )

Don't you people ever break for commercials?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh, Brian, I saw the show.

Oh, God.

Oh, uh, no, no, no, no. You were wonderful.

Uh, by the way, dear, I have some messages for you.

You got three death threats, ten calls from women

who think they can change you,

and an "attaboy" from Andrew Dice Clay.

Oh, Hackett, don't sweat it.

It could've been worse, huh?

At least I put that nutcracker in her place.

Listen, Roy, I hate to point this out,

because you're the only one who defended me,

but...she did make you cry.

Well, at least it took

the heat off you for a while.

( crying ): She was mean.

All right.

Excuse me one minute.

My iron. My iron.

My iron.

Fay, did you see me? Did you see me?

Oh, yes, Antonio. You were hard to miss.

( laughing ): Hey, Brian, Brian--

No! No! No! No! No!

No. No, no, no, no, no. What did I tell you?

What did I tell you about the circle of safety?

No closer than 10 feet at all times.

You come any closer, I'll cut you, man.

Oh.

Come on. But it was all in fun.

What did I really do that was so bad?

Uh, I think it was when you stood up and yelled,

( imitating Antonio ): "Come on, girls, let's get him."

( laughs )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Well, well.

If it isn't Lambert.

Roy.

What are you doing back on the island?

Oh, no, wait. Let me guess.

You've been hanging out with those low-rent guys,

and now you're finally ready to check into the Hotel...

Roy.

Oh, yeah. The Hotel Roy. Hm.

That's the big hotel where the elevator's too small,

and it never goes up.

Well, yeah-- I-- I...

( gasps )

She's mean.

Hi, Fay.

Oh, Alex. Good to see you.

Oh!

What have you been doing with yourself all this time?

Well, when I left here, I traveled Europe for a while.

And then when I got back, I was the personal pilot

for a corporate CEO.

And now I'm flying the medevac for Boston General.

What have you been up to?

I got a bird.

So is Brian here?

Yeah, he's in the office.

Thanks.

( plane flying overhead )

( knocking at door ) If you're a woman,

I have nothing but respect and admiration for you.

( door opens )

I take that back.

Can we talk?

( door closes ) What, uh, no camera crew?

Brian, I just came to apologize.

Look, you didn't have to come all the way for that.

Doesn't Hallmark make a card that says,

"Sorry I castrated you on TV"?

Can I just explain?

A friend of mine is a producer

for the Mary Pat Lee Show,

and I would tell her how I, you know...

hated you.

And she told me I needed closure.

Oh, oh, oh, okay. Uh, it all makes perfect sense.

Uh, because you needed closure...

you decided to trick me

into coming on to that show.

Tricking you was not my idea. Ss--

And believe me, I didn't know it would get that vicious.

And you feel terrible.

Look...you knew when we got together

that I had just gotten out of a bad relationship.

You promised me you would be different.

You got me to trust you

and the second I did, you bailed.

I ba-- I ba--? Heh.

You're the one who ran out in the middle of the night.

Do you have any idea what that did to me?

The only reason I didn't say goodbye

is I knew you would talk me into staying.

Well, uh, what would have been so wrong about that?

Because you would have just gotten bored

and tried to weasel out on me again.

Brian, it's a sick pattern with you.

You only want a woman when you can't have her.

You don't know what the hell you're talking about.

You don't know me.

Oh, please. There's not that much to know.

You're not that deep.

Me? Uh, you're the one who wouldn't sleep with me one time

because I got a bad haircut.

You make me sick. Yeah, it's mutual.

You repulse me!

Oh. I'm glad we broke up!

No more glad than I am.

I can't believe I ever went out with you. You're a boob.

Hey, I must have been. I dated you, didn't I?

This is insane. Goodbye.

No, no, no. Good riddance!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( airplane flying overhead )

I was robbed!

Well, there's a shock.

Well, they cleaned me out, Roy.

Took the TV, the camcorder. Everything.

Except the iron.

Which was off.

Oh-- Hey-- Oh, there you are.

Hey, uh... ( door closes )

So Fay told me that Alex came back last night.

You two had a big fight. What the hell happened?

I told her off.

Yeah?

I told her that she had no damned right

dragging me on that television show

and humiliating me like that.

I told her that I-- I never should have had anything

to do with her in the first place.

Good for you.

And then I slept with her.

What?

Wait, um...

We-- Let me try to u-understand this.

You two are getting back together?

No.

Well, then why did you sleep with her?

What can I say?

One minute we're screaming and yelling...

the next minute we're...

screaming and yelling and...

S-so w-w-what you're saying is

that you had one last fling,

and then you both decided to go your separate ways.

No. That's what I decided.

Now, I just have to figure out a way

to break the news to her.

Brian. D-did you not learn anything

from that TV show yesterday?

What are you talking about? Don't you get it?

Whenever you get a woman, you don't want her.

I mean, Mary Pat Lee was right.

You are a commitment-phobic creep.

No. No, no. Now, you see... ( laughs )

you don't understand right now.

It's not about commitment. It's about me and Alex.

What does that mean?

Okay, see-- See--

All right, sex-- Sex was great.

She's funny.

She's smart. She makes me laugh.

She knows me better than any woman I've ever been with.

But we're just not right for each other.

Brian...

you're sick.

And you need help.

And I promise you I will get you the top man.

The only help I need is figuring out a way

to tell Alex that I want out. All right. All right.

Well, then, the only advice I can give you is, uh...

tell her the truth and then duck,

because she could clean your clock, man.

And she looks like she's been working out too.

Hi, Joe. Hi-- Hi, Alex.

Uh, how you doing? You look great.

Thanks. I've been working out.

Yeah.

Hi. ( door closes )

Hi. Sorry I missed you this morning.

Hey-hey. Back at you. ( laughs )

Last night was pretty amazing.

Mm, yeah, about that. Listen--

Oh, yeah. I couldn't believe

we were together again.

Yeah. It was pretty unbelievable, right?

Yeah. You know I just lay there, watching you sleep,

and I realized something.

Brian, I never thought I would feel like this.

Uh, Alex, before you-- Before you--

No, no. No, no. Let me finish.

No, no, Alex. Now, uh-- Uh, listen, listen--

I'm over you.

I'm--

What?

I thought that I was still in love with you, but I'm not.

It was just...

my anger that kept me

thinking about you all this time,

a-a-and now that I'm not mad anymore, I--

I guess I feel, um-- I don't know.

Like, um, tsk...

friends.

F-friends? Wait.

You're giving me the "friends" line?

Oh. Don't get me wrong, the sex was great.

But you and me in a relationship.

I mean, it's just-- It's never gonna work.

You're dumping me?

But we-- We had something.

Come on, it cou-- It could work.

I'm sorry.

I gotta go, Brian.

Goodbye.

Wait, Alex.

Alex. Come on, don't go. Don't go.

Don't go, baby. Come on. ( door closes )

We can work this out--

Oh, I am one sick puppy. Alex!

Alex, come back! Come back!

( helicopter rotors whirring ) Alex!

Alex, please!

Don't go!

I need you. Come back!

Brian. Alex, please!

Brian, look, I'm gonna make this easy for you, all right?

Imagine if Alex were to cut the engine,

come running over here,

throw her arms around you and say,

"Brian, I love you. Marry me."

Alex!

You're cleared for takeoff, baby!

See you!