Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Look, guys, check this out.

Oh, well, now you've done it.

Once you unfold those parachutes

they're impossible to stuff back in.

No.

This is the size 20 dress

that I wore to my senior prom,

as opposed to this

slinky little size four

that I'm wearing to my high school reunion.

Oh, that's very sexy. Thanks.

It'll be the first time they see me in a dress

where the slit was intentional.

Well, I gotta run it to the tailor's and get it hemmed.

Well, why are you taking your old prom dress?

I figure as long as I'm going to the tailor's,

I can make curtains out of it.

I've seen her house.

It doesn't have that many windows.

( upbeat theme playing )

Yes, can you squeeze me in for a manicure

Friday at 4:00?

N-no, no, 5 is no good.

I have a facial at 5.

But you don't understand.

This is my reunion.

Well, who's got the 4:00?

Lowell, can I have your 4:00 manicure appointment?

Yeah, like I'm gonna go to the reunion

with these ragged cuticles.

Thanks a lot.

Just to show you I'm not completely heartless,

you can have my 6:00 pedicure.

So you're the one who got it.

Great. Now I've got to find another manicurist.

Helen, w-why are you so worried about how you look?

You're just going to see some old friends from high school.

I wouldn't exactly call them friends.

I mean, those people put me through living hell

for four long, tortured years.

I can't wait to see 'em.

What?

Well, I'm thin, I'm happy,

and I'm gonna walk in with the best-looking guy

in the whole school.

Helen? Helen?

Yeah.

Do you, uh, notice this zit on my face?

( screams )

Damn.

All through high school I had perfect skin,

and now two days before the reunion I get this--

Volcano?

Blemish. I don't believe it.

How do you think I feel?

I gotta walk in there with that thing

on your nose on my arm.

I've got something in my purse

that will cover that right up.

( scoffs ): Forget it, Fay.

I am not wearing makeup.

Oh, no way will makeup cover that.

I was talking about a scarf.

Okey-dokey. All right.

Hey-hey, what are you--?

Duh! What?

Aren't you gonna introduce me to your friend?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, uh, I just got off the phone

with the reunion coordinator, right?

Guess who's coming back?

Sara.

Oh, Sara. Well, hmm.

Yeah, you guys were quite a couple.

You know, in high school I really thought

you two were gonna get married.

Yeah, everybody did: you, Helen,

all those other girls I was seeing.

You're not thinking of starting things up

again with her, are you?

I don't know. Maybe.

I mean, who knows, after everything

that's been happening to me lately.

Losing Alex and all.

I think I might be ready to have a serious relationship.

Brian, how do you know she's not already married?

( scoffs )

You see, you-- You always look at

the dark side of things, man.

You should be more of an optimist.

Even if she did get married,

maybe she's divorced now,

or, God willing, her husband's dead...

What are you doing? This thing is so damn big,

even I can see it.

W-would you please just forget about--?

For the time being, let's name it Jerry?

Hey, Joe, uh,

can you sign this requisition, please?

Aren't you gonna say anything about my nose, Lowell?

What's wrong with your nose?

Oh, n-- Uh, nothing. Forget it.

Oh. Thanks.

Well, you were right, Fay. That's one humongous zit.

( upbeat theme playing )

ROY: Hey, Mather,

when are you gonna change the oil in plane six?

Oh, didn't I do that?

Gee, I'm sorry, Roy.

You know, I've been really distracted.

There's somebody very special coming in.

The man who made me what I am today.

I thought that obstetrician

wasn't allowed back in the states.

No, Dr. Frank is still in Guatemala.

Actually, I was talking about Mr. Conley,

my high school Shop teacher.

Although I hardly do him justice

by calling him a mere Shop teacher.

He was a true Renaissance man.

He also taught Drivers' Ed.

Yeah, he gave me this wrench.

He inscribed it himself.

"The man who cannot see beauty

"in an engine

will never see beauty in the universe."

He was-- He was quite a genius.

He spelled engine with a J.

Uh, Helen,

let me ask you something.

How is it that everybody's going to the same reunion?

Didn't--? Didn't you all graduate in different years?

Oh, well, it was a small school,

so we have a reunion for five classes

at the same time.

Oh, so conceivably,

people m-might not notice

if someone was there

who they didn't immediately recognize,

like, say, Antonio,

cute little Italian foreign exchange student?

Why would you wanna go to our reunion?

Because I'm a lonely, lonely,

lonely, lonely man.

Can't be that bad.

Oh, no?

Let me give you a little hint.

Most of my evenings

involve a flashlight and some very strange

shadow puppets.

Oh, Casey, before I forget,

I picked you up a reunion ticket.

There you go. Oh, thanks, but...

No, thanks. I'm not going.

Why? Why not?

Well, I'm not exactly at the high point of my life.

And the last thing I need

is everybody getting a good laugh

over what happened to the former prom queen.

What are you gonna do, stay in bed

and hide under the covers?

Throw in a quart of tequila and a straw,

and that's pretty much my night.

Okay, okay. I get the point.

You're alone, you're depressed.

What you need is to stroll into that reunion

with a pretty boy on your arm.

What time do you want me to pick you up?

Well, let's say 8-ish.

That ought to give me time to fly in Dr. Kevorkian.

Hey, Joey...about your zit.

( sighs ) Your troubles are over, man.

I found the perfect solution.

Really? What?

This.

You know, that-- That's very cute.

Oh, oh, oh, Brian.

Ahem. Brian. What? What, what?

Ah!

Brian?

Sara.

Sara.

Oh, my God.

Hey, wow, you--

You look fantastic.

And so do you.

You had your nose done.

Ah, yes, well, uh,

just call me Brian Hackett,

the other white meat.

So...

So...

Look, uh,

I'm really sorry about

the way we left things, you know.

It's all right.

It was a long time ago. Ancient history.

It's really great to see you.

It's great to see you, you know.

Mmm.

Heh.

So is your husband coming?

Oh, very subtle, Brian.

Ah, well...

Actually, I'm not married.

Oh. What about you?

Uh, no, I'm not married, either.

Uh, currently I'm, uh,

in between dysfunctional relationships.

Speaking of which,

what are the chances of us, uh,

getting together and having dinner tonight?

Oh, boy, dinner with Brian Hackett. Ah-ha.

Can I have dinner with Brian Hackett?

Let's see, how stupid am I?

Yeah, right.

Sure. Oh, great.

Great, it'll be like old times, right?

You and me.

Hey, Mom, look what the pilot gave me.

( laughs )

Wow.

( upbeat theme playing )

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm putting a hot compress on

Jerry. Huh.

Hey, Sara looks great.

Are you kidding? She looked incredible.

So where are you taking her tonight?

Um, I don't know. Left it kind of vague.

It's the kid, isn't it?

Come on... Come on.

Only a selfish, immature jerk

would ever be bothered by the fact that she has a kid.

It's the kid, isn't it? Of course it's the kid!

I mean, it's not fair!

When I'm in a relationship,

I like being the 7-year-old.

Relationship? What are you talking about?

She's only been back here two hours.

You just don't understand.

When we saw each other, it just--

It clicked.

Ah! What am I gonna do now?

Well, look, Brian,

you've already lost this woman twice in your life.

How many more chances do you think you're gonna get?

What I'm saying is, if you really think

there's something there, don't blow it again.

Go after her.

Well?

Sorry, I-- I just can't concentrate

with him staring back at me.

Get out. Oh, come on, come on.

Really, I need your help now.

I mean, let's say--

Let's say we do work these things out.

Okay? She has raised Jason alone,

and suddenly I come into the picture.

Do you understand? I mean, don't get me wrong,

I like kids, but I don't know if

I'm ready to be somebody's daddy.

Come on.

No one thinks they're ready for that responsibility.

It's a scary thing.

But you want my honest opinion,

you're selling yourself short.

I think you'd be a great father,

and I'm not just saying that. I mean it.

I got the first few words but then you lost me.

I mean, i-it's like looking into the sun.

Get out. Get out!

Just give me another chance. Get out.

( upbeat theme playing )

Uh, what are you doing?

I got suckered into making the dumb welcoming speech

at the reunion tonight.

Oh, well, that's quite an honor. Let me hear your opening line.

That was it.

( mouths )

Uh, oh, well, listen: uh, Brian just landed

and he radioed in to say that

someone named Wendy Ellison

is about to come through Gate 1,

and that he thought you'd want to know.

Oh, no, not Wendy Ellison.

What's wrong? Who's Wendy Ellison?

Well, there was this group of cheerleaders

that picked on me all through high school

because I was fat, and she was the ringleader.

I can still remember their awful jokes.

"What's the largest church in the world?

The Helen Chappel."

I can still hear 'em laughing.

"The Helen Chappel."

( laughs )

Uh, children can be so cruel.

I'm gonna get out of here.

Oh, no, wait a minute, Helen!

You have no reason to feel insecure now.

Look at you: you're thin, you're beautiful.

I could never be as beautiful as Wendy.

Oh, my God. There she is.

Boy, if she was the thin one, you must have been...

Uh, quite a big girl. Heh.

Wow, she used to be so thin.

Uh, hi, Wendy.

Do you remember me?

Uh, no, I'm sorry. I don't-- Helen.

H-Helen Chappel.

My God, Helen Chappel.

Ha! Look how you've changed.

Thank you.

You're blond.

It almost looks natural.

Now, you heard what she said.

Why didn't you let her have it?

I don't know.

I-I just couldn't say anything.

I felt like I was back in high school.

Oh, I've been trying to get the squeak

out of that crankcase for two years.

How'd you do it, Mr. Conley?

I approached it from the squeak's point of view.

I became the squeak.

Of course.

Become the squeak.

Write it down.

Yeah. Right.

No, no, don't write it here,

write it here.

Okay.

No, no, no.

Lowell, I meant that figuratively.

Oh,

I have missed your guidance.

O, these many years.

That was so cool. Yeah?

Hey, guys, how was the flight?

Mom, I flew the plane. I flew the plane.

Wow, that's so neat, honey.

It's really sweet of you to pretend to let him fly.

Ah, it's no big deal.

I do it with Joe all the time.

So, uh, I'm done for the day.

What do you say we get some lunch, huh?

Yeah. Go wash your hands, tiger.

Right. She was talking to me.

Yeah. Hey-o.

I think he likes me.

I think he's crazy about you.

You're like the little brother he never had.

Hah-hah.

So, uh, we're all alone now, huh?

Oh, uh, Helen.

Yeah?

Um, I've been working on it all day.

I think I finally got it covered.

Now, I want the truth, okay? 'Kay.

Tell me what you think.

Oh, I think it's okay.

I don't think anybody's gonna notice.

Ew, gross!

What's that thing on that man's nose?

( band playing upbeat music )

( applause )

Ah! Some band, huh, Nancy?

Just like the one at our prom.

Listen, don't go away. I'm just gonna go

get us some punch, okay?

Judy, Molly,

save a dance for me, okay?

Hey, didn't we have Home Ec together?

Oh, give it a rest. Oh, sorry.

Sorry. It's you.

Oh, man, I've just--

I've been studying so much about your school.

You know, I just can't turn it off.

Isn't it great seeing the whole gang again?

Oh, yeah, it's just great.

I thought it would be different now.

But it's just like it was in high school.

There's Wendy over there

with her little cheerleading clique.

And see Darlene, she's snickering.

I know they're cracking jokes about me again.

No, no. Not Darlene.

She would never do that.

I had the biggest crush on her in the ninth grade.

I wish Joe would hurry up.

Yeah, wh-where is Joe?

He's meeting a man by the docks

to buy some experimental nose cream from Mexico.

Hey, listen, I-I know you must be nervous

but, uh, you might want to take it easy on the punch, okay?

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Lindsay, hey,

don't you remember me?

We did Guys and Dolls together.

Hi. Oh, Joe, you're here.

Hey, your zit's gone.

It's a miracle cream.

Well, uh, no. Actually, it didn't work at all,

so, uh, Fay had to put a little makeup on me.

Ohhhh.

Well, what happened to the rest of your face?

Well, see, when it was just on my nose,

it kind of stood out so she had to even out

my skin color. And then I looked pale,

so she added a little blush.

Why, what do you think?

God, did she have to use so much?

Well, it is evening.

So? What have I missed?

Oh, good. You decided to show up.

Of course I did.

This morning when I woke up in the fireplace, I thought,

"You know, maybe I'm being a little silly about this,

"because this is my life, I have nothing

to be ashamed of." That's right.

Ooh. It's my old cheerleading squad.

Is that Wendy?

Wow, I see she traded in

her pom-poms for bonbons.

You know,

I never liked her.

Wendy!

( screaming )

I can't believe we're actually here.

I mean, look at this place, banner, nametags, punch bowl.

It's so corny.

Yeah, it's more than corny.

It's kind of embarrassing.

I'm having a great time.

Me too.

There are so many unexplained mysteries in the world.

Like, what keeps this egg roll

from falling off this toothpick?

I don't know.

Pork?

Wow, Casey.

I cannot believe what's happened to you.

I-I think it is so brave of you

to just come out and talk about it.

Well, you know,

losing Stuart was not easy.

But when you've seen your husband

mauled to death by lions on safari,

you just--

You tend to take stock of your life,

you know, and I-- I decided,

yes, I will go back to medical school,

and I'm glad I did.

Because if I hadn't,

I would have never created the vaccine

that I dedicated to my husband's memory.

A-and what was it called again?

Uh, Stuart-a-cocc-a-miyacin.

You know,

I never came out and told you this,

but you were quite an inspiration to me

in high school.

Your words, your wisdom.

You are the reason I became a mechanic.

Thank you for sharing that with me.

And now I'd like to share something with you.

Yes.

Lowell, there is a power in the universe

that controls all

we see, feel and do.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

I've always wanted to connect to that power.

Well, you can.

They'll be here Tuesday.

You mean, Tuesday figuratively.

No, I mean Tuesday the 14th at 3.

The mother ship is landing

on the east side of the island.

How do I know?

They left me a series of coded messages

in the movie Howards End.

I'm going back with them.

You can come too, Lowell.

They can always use another good mechanic.

Oh, and bring potato chips.

( whispers ): They love them.

You okay, Lowell?

I don't believe it.

The man who I based my entire life on,

my mentor, my guru,

is a freaking psycho.

( dance music stops, crowd applauds )

Lowell, everyone in high school knew that.

Conley has been in and out of mental institutions

for years. How do you think

he knows so much about electricity?

Well, would it have killed someone to have told me?

Good evening, Siasconset High alumni.

Here to give your welcoming speech

is your own Helen Chappel.

( applause )

( giggling )

First of all, I would like to welcome

all the graduates of Siasconset High.

( chanting ): Siasconset! Siasconset!

It's so wonderful

to see all the familiar faces.

A lot has changed.

I wonder how many tuna melts she had to grill

to afford a dress like that.

( all giggling )

Some of us have

moved on,

and some of us have stayed here on the island.

I hear she's marrying Joe Hackett.

Boy, must he be pretty desperate.

( women giggling )

As I was saying,

some of us have become professionals,

and some of us have become housewives,

and some of us

have just become enormously fat.

For example, Wendy.

Wendy is representing

the class of '78

'79 and '80.

Oh, and hello, Darlene,

and your buddy, Cindy,

who never let me sit at the lunch table with you

because you were too cool for school.

Well, uh, Darlene,

everybody knows this except you:

your husband's been sleeping with Cindy for years.

Oops.

Yep, who feels left out now?

So anyway, welcome.

And, um, to anyone else

who made fun of me in high school?

Bite me.

Okay. Have fun.

( scattered applause )

( band starts playing )

JOE: Oh, hey.

Oh, baby, did I miss your speech?

I'm sorry. How did it go?

Oh, I thought it went really well.

Listen, um, I'm gonna get something to drink.

You want something? Sure.

Yeah? You like something to eat too?

That would be good.

Okay.

Um, one more thing.

Would you and Jason

move to the island and live with me?

Heh-heh-heh. What?

Are you serious?

Yeah, I really don't want you to leave.

Well, I'll have to think about that.

Well, take all the time you like.

There's a long line at the cocktail franks.

Joe. Oh, hey, Sara.

Hi. Hi, how are you?

I've hardly seen you since you got back.

Yeah, I've been pretty busy.

It's great you and Brian

seem to be really getting along.

Yeah, yeah.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure.

Um, Joe, there's something...

Well, it's about Jason.

Oh, hey, l-listen, do not worry about Jason.

I think he'll be a very good role model for Brian.

Actually, there's something else.

What's that?

I've always wondered how I was gonna say this.

So I guess I'll just say it.

There is a good chance that

Jason is your son.

( thoughtful theme playing )

Mr. Conley. Remember me?

Antonio Scarpacci?

Of course I do.

You made the napkin holder

with the ball-peen edges.

Very handsome.

Yes, y--

I was very proud of that.

You know, a bunch of the graduates

are going on a field trip with me.

Do you wanna come?

Sure, where are you going?

Pluto.

Ah, ah, ah, don't eat the money.