Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Lowell.

Lowell, it's 15 degrees out.

Why are you dressed that way?

I'm in training for the annual Polar Bear competition.

Every February 11th, the Polar Bears

jump into the icy North Atlantic waters,

see who can stay in the longest.

Why would anyone in their right mind do that?

And I think I just answered my own question.

LOWELL: Hey.

Till you've stopped your heart for three seconds

you'll never know what it's like to be a real man.

Who's with me?

Well, uh, I'm not so insecure

that I would ever do something

so desperate to prove that I'm a man.

I'll do it.

You know, just so Lowell doesn't have to go alone.

Yes. Heh. Good luck, men.

Hey, come on, Brian.

Where are your cojones?

I guarantee that jumping into ice water

is no way to find them.

So are you with me? Yeah.

Then let's do it! Yeah.

And we'll do it in the memory of the late Larry McConnell.

Who's that? Last year's champ.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Polar Bears Are big and strong

Drowning's all That can go wrong

Come on, Antonio, sing it with me.

( muttering )

( imitating drill sergeant ): I can't hear you!

Lowell, Lowell, do we really need all this training?

W-why can't we just show up at the ocean and jump in?

What? And have a heart attack like Artie Krasnick?

Who's he? The guy who trained me,

may he rest in peace.

I'll tell you one thing, wherever he's resting,

I'll bet he's a lot warmer than I am.

Listen, you wanna be a real man,

you've gotta keep your eye on the prize.

By the way, what is the prize?

Uh, last year it was a lovely bud vase.

Hey, listen, let's move on to the next level of training.

Let's get our jocks out of Helen's freezer.

Hey! Hey!

Come back here, missy!

Hey, everybody. Hi.

We have a little announcement to make.

Yes, after a lot of consideration,

we have finally arrived at a date for our wedding:

May the 27th. Whoo!

W-wait, the 27th, that's a bad week for a bachelor party.

It's the Garment Center convention.

Where am I gonna find a stripper?

Helen, you know June would...

be just plain wrong.

Well, uh, you know, if you need any help with the wedding,

I've been married three times and I've done them all.

Uh, your large formal wedding, your small intimate wedding,

your "wake up in Reno next to a guy who claims

he's your husband" wedding.

Well, that was George the third, and I learned to love him.

You've got three months to plan your wedding?

My God, that's hardly any time at all.

I mean, you're going to need a band, and caterer,

and flowers, sex therapy--

Have I said too much?

I've just got two words for you:

deviled eggs.

What about 'em?

Ah, ah, uh-uh.

Deviled eggs.

Look, I appreciate everybody's help,

but it's not like I haven't thought about my own wedding.

Yeah, we just wanna keep things nice and simple.

Let's book the ballroom at the Four Seasons Hotel in Boston.

It won't be a big wedding,

just, ah, two or three hundred people.

We really don't wanna spend a lot of money.

And I'll walk down the aisle in a designer dress

while a 20-piece orchestra plays the "Wedding March."

While we're at it, why don't we just call Barbra Streisand?

And let her sing at the wedding?

No, to chip in.

Come on, Helen, all that stuff's gonna cost a fortune.

A ballroom, orchestra--

All right, all right.

It was just a suggestion.

And the death of a little girl's dream.

So you have a better idea?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact,

over the last few months

I have jotted down just a few ideas.

BRIAN: Oh, no, the binder.

Oh, the binder's back.

I haven't seen that thing since we painted the house.

Thirty-two sections to arrive at brown.

Hey, it was taupe.

Why did I go through all that effort

if you still don't know the difference?

He's your headache now.

Oh, he's got a whole section in here on boutonnieres

broken down by seasonal availability.

Why are all the good men taken?

Now, Helen, if you'd just turn to page 57,

I think you'll see where we should have our wedding.

The Wailing Wall? No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're in the honeymoon section.

Wait a second...

Uh, believe me, I've found the perfect place.

Really? Where?

My house.

No, really, where?

Oh, my God. You're serious.

What, all these graphs and pie charts

and you come up with your house?

What kind of stupid idea--?

Oh, okay, well, all right, honey,

let's just not talk about locations.

Let's move on to something a little more fun.

Um, how about music?

Oh, music. Well, I know just, um, who we should book.

Who?

A DJ.

What is wrong with that?

Well, that's my dream come true.

Walk down the aisle with some guy scratching,

"Here comes the b-b-b-bride."

Look, Helen, if you're gonna dump on every idea I have,

then why are we even ha--

Look, look, okay, baby,

w-why don't we just leave that for now?

We'll move on to something we know we can both agree on: food.

Oh, food. I know what I want: osso buco.

Oh, great. I love fish.

No. No, it's veal shank.

Shank? Heh! Forget it.

I am not eating anything with the word "shank" in it.

What's your brilliant idea?

Okay, let's see here.

Entrées, entrées: hot, entrées: cold...here.

Now, honey, I love a big sandwich

as much as the next gal,

but I am not having one at my wedding.

Oh, oh, I see.

So shank is okay, but a big sandwich isn't?

Are you actually saying that your idea of a perfect wedding

would be in your basement listening to 45s

eating a big sandwich?

Exactly.

That's not a wedding, that's a makeout party.

All right. Okay, fine, Helen.

We'll have it your way. And while we're at it,

why don't we see if we can rent out the Taj Mahal?

What's going on?

Yeah, there's talk going around

about there not being a big sandwich?

Brian, listen to me: if you were at a wedding

and they served veal shank, would you eat it?

Shank? ( Helen groans )

Sounds like something you'd put ointment on.

Look, Casey, what would you think

about having the wedding at my house?

No, really.

See?

Oh, all right, excuse me for not wanting to go bankrupt

for one lousy night.

"One lousy night"?

You call the most important night of our lives

"one lousy night"?

Look, okay, look, calm down, calm--

We both know what we have to do.

You need to compromise.

I already have.

( upbeat theme playing )

( inaudible )

Okay, uh, here's our last offer.

( sighs ): We'll give in on the ice sculpture...

( scoffs )

...and the strolling violinists.

But you have to give us the mini hot dogs.

Okay, that is unacceptable.

( both groan )

However, we will give in on the keg, the balloon art

and your walleyed cousin Courtney as the flower girl.

Hey. She has an astigmatism.

HELEN: Oh, yeah, right.

She'll be throwing flowers at the organist.

( all shouting indistinctly )

Now, relax, relax, relax, relax.

Shush. Come on. Sh-sh-sh.

Now, I would really love to sign off on the mini hot dogs.

No mini hot dogs.

I want the mini hot dogs.

She's not the only one with a dream.

Look, I am sorry, but the wieners are a deal breaker.

Hey, I want the mini-- I want those-- ( shushing )

Just-- Just settle down, okay? That's why I'm here.

Come on! We gave in on the harpist and the pâté!

Get off my back!

You know, I don't like your attitude.

Oh, really? Bye-bye, fruit cup.

CASEY: Oh, you know what?

You can kiss your cheese log goodbye.

Ooh, so long Mr. Cappuccino Cart.

Hey, you are out of line and, might I add, stupid.

I know you are, but what am I?

Oh, that's real Victor Mature!

I know you are, but what am I?

CASEY: Please, stop--

BRIAN: Please stop mimicking me!

Well, that was productive.

Um, e-excuse me, uh,

I hope you don't mind my saying so,

but I think I have the perfect solution to your problem.

Fay, we are not getting liquored up and going to Reno.

Oh, who are you to judge me, binder boy?

Well, no, no, what I was going to say

is I think you should consider having the wedding

at a place like the Sconset Inn.

They handle all the details: the food, the band,

the champagne, so you don't have to.

Oh, yeah, I don't know--

My friend Margaret had a lovely wedding there,

and believe me, she too knew how to squeeze

the life out of the nickel.

What do you think? What do you think?

I don't know. Sconset Inn, hm.

Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to go down

and talk to the banquet manager.

Oh, yeah, like he's gonna tell you the truth.

What's he gonna say, "The food stinks"?

Do I tell my customers,

"Oh, whatever you do, don't eat the crab salad"?

I had that for lunch.

Oh, honey.

Oh, no, you're okay.

Anyway, what we need to do is go to an actual wedding

and then see for ourselves.

Yes, but, Helen, we haven't been invited to an actual wedding.

Wh-what do you wanna do, crash one?

Yeah, exactly. Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm not crashing a wedding.

What's the big deal? We'll go there,

we'll put on some nice clothes, mingle around.

I don't know. It's a free meal.

Well, we could consider it research.

Yeah, okay, let's do it.

Well, at least we agree on something.

You're cheap.

For the last time, stay out of my freezer!

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( pop music playing )

Ooh. Wow.

This place looks beautiful. Yeah, and expensive.

I'm having second thoughts about the--

Hey, crab cakes.

Uh, I'm a guest.

She's a guest too.

We're both guests.

Smooth, Joe.

Mmm.

Wow. They're delicious. That's real crab too.

Ka-ching, ka-ching.

Now, you said you'd have an open mind, Joe.

Hey, Helen, every crab cake

comes out of our honeymoon budget.

Big deal. Two less days camping in the Poconos.

Okay, look, we're wasting time.

We'll cover more hors d'oeuvres if we split up.

I'll do hot, you do cold. Go. Okay.

You.

I know you.

Okay--

You're Sophie's boy.

Okay.

So tell me, how'd she take to that new kidney?

Okay.

Well, you be sure to give her my love.

Okay. Heh-heh.

Ooh, big shrimp.

Come to Papa.

I couldn't get near the Swedish meatballs

'cause this guy was hogging 'em all.

I hate when people make a pig out of themselves.

Look what I got.

See? A caricature.

I'm surfing.

I think we should get one for our wedding.

Ka-ching, ka-ching. Would you stop saying that?

I don't care what you say,

I like this place. I don't know.

It's not your house, but I think we should book it.

You know, there's a certain something missing.

What? Brian's Nerf hoop?

Now, look, honey, look, l-let's just slow down.

Now, this is a big decision.

I'm not gonna be swayed by a couple of pounds of shrimp.

( trumpet blows )

Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is now being served.

Catch you after the capon.

Okay. We'd better get outta here. No, no.

W-- I think we should stay for dinner.

Oh, that's a good idea, except there's only one problem:

we weren't invited.

Yeah, no, that is not a problem. Look, here, come here.

Here, look. Table number five.

We are Jorge and Juanita Rodriguez.

What if the real Jorge and Juanita show up?

Oh, nobody shows up for the main course.

It's gauche.

Come on before somebody eats all the good rolls.

Well, wait. What if the people at the table know them?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Hi.

Does anyone here know the Rodriguezes?

Well, you do now. Heh.

Hola.

Hi. I'm Fred Gaines.

Hi. We're Jorge and, uh...

Juanita. Juanita.

You know,

I took a trip to Mexico last year.

I have got to give you people credit.

You sure know how to weave.

Thanks.

And you know something else,

you people really are fun-loving.

I mean, who else would think to dance on their own hats?

It's traditional, okay?

Mmm.

Hi, everyone.

Are we having fun?

( laughing ): Oh, yes.

Jorge? What?

The bride. Oh.

( yells indistinctly )

So you're Jorge.

Rick has told me so much about you.

Rick? The groom.

Oh! The Rickster.

Um, congratulations...

you. ( chuckles )

Um...

Jorge and I, we just love weddings so much.

They put us in such a romantic mood.

You must be Juanita, Jorge's sister.

That's me.

Uh, oh, boy, we've had a little too much wine, huh?

( laughs ) Whoo!

Well...

it was nice meeting you.

We'll have to have you over for dinner some time.

Great. I'm there.

( sighs ) "I'm there"?

What the hell is that?

Oh, okay, shoot me for being nice.

Well, if you're any nicer,

then we're gonna get thrown outta here.

Boy, it's true what they say.

You Latins sure are fiery. ( cutlery clatters )

You know what? I'm getting a little sick of your attitude

toward my people.

Hey, sorry.

Can we go now?

No, hey, we'll miss the cake.

All right. Okay.

Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you two.

Stop right there.

It's the groom. We're dead. Oh, God.

Uh, look, look, look, we're really sorry. We were just--

You're Phil, my wife's optometrist, aren't you?

Who else would I be? ( chuckles )

Listen, Karen's had those new contact lenses

in for a couple days now,

and her eyes are getting kind of red and swollen.

Aw, don't worry about it. ( dance music plays )

Come on, honey. Let's dance.

Oh, God, that was close. Come on, let's go.

No. No, wait. Let's just make a decision while we're here.

Are we gonna book this place or not?

No.

No? That's it?

Like, no discussion?

Oh, okay, you want a discussion?

I'll give you a discussion.

Th-this place is overpriced. It's pretentious.

The food is mediocre and the bandleader's a dork.

See? I told you. That guy's right.

This place is a giant rip-off.

Do we have to get into this now?

It's, like, our wedding.

Yeah, I know. It's, like, bleeding us dry.

Oh, my God, Joe. Do you hear that?

You've got the bride and groom fighting. Are you happy now?

Look, you asked me a question. I answered it.

I didn't ask you to answer it loudly.

Okay, well, we found out some good thing about this place:

the acoustics.

We should have gotten married where I wanted to.

Oh, at Mommy's house?

Cut the cord, Rick. Cut the cord.

You know, I think you'd like this place a lot

if you didn't have to pay for it.

What are you saying?

You are cheap. Look,

I just don't wanna start our married life in debt.

You have no sense of romance.

Yeah, and you have no sense of reality.

Everybody spends too much money at their wedding,

and it's worth it

because it's the happiest day of your life.

I'm a stubborn jerk?

You're a spoiled little princess.

My mom's right. You're a total wimp.

Oh, I must be, or else I wouldn't have agreed

to pay for this lousy wedding.

Eighty bucks a head for rubbery chicken.

Keep this up and you're gonna ruin the whole night.

Too late. ( huffs )

( crowd murmurs )

Oh, my God, Joe.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, 80 bucks a head. ( scoffs )

Let's go.

Okay, fine.

( trumpet blowing )

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the toast.

Please turn your attention

to Rick's oldest and dearest friend, Jorge Rodriguez!

( applause )

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

What happened to Mather?

He looks like a hood ornament.

Hey, you're looking at this year's

Nantucket Polar Bear Champion.

He stayed in the water longer than anyone else.

So it's finally official:

he's the biggest numbnut on the island.

You won.

You won.

So how'd you do, Scarpacci?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah. "Okay." He never even made it into the water.

Pulled his groin muscle getting into his Speedo.

He's starting to scare the passengers.

Get this Lowell-cicle outta here.

All right. Let's get him into the hangar,

thaw him out with the big heater.

You're gonna be okay, Lowell.

LOWELL: I-- I can't feel my cojones.

Hi. Hi.

D-did you make it home okay last night?

Uh, yeah. Fine.

After you left me in the parking lot,

I got a lift home with the bandleader.

Joe, what's happened to us?

I don't know.

Ever since we've been planning this wedding,

all we do is fight.

And if we fight over little things like hors d'oeuvres,

what's our marriage gonna be like?

I don't know that either.

What airline is it again?

Uh, Sandpiper.

Oh, it's that couple from the wedding last night.

Oh, God.

They must be on their honeymoon.

What a relief. I thought we'd broken 'em up.

All right. Here are your bags.

Have fun at your mother's. Goodbye, and good luck.

This is great.

I'm sure lots of couples have separate honeymoons.

Oh, my God, Joe.

They're breaking up and it's all our fault.

What should we do?

Well, the least we can do is go apologize.

Oh.

Hello, excuse me.

You.

My God, what are you people doing, stalking us?

Yeah, isn't it bad enough

you crashed our wedding and ate the food?

Yeah, and we saw the video. You're in every shot.

Uh, look, c-can we just talk to you in private?

No.

L-look, look, it'll only take five minutes,

and then we will stay out of your life forever.

Let's go. Let's go.

We-- We feel really horrible about this.

W-we're just a couple trying to plan our wedding

and we crashed yours to check out the place.

Yeah, w-we haven't been able to agree on anything.

And our fighting sort of spilled over onto you,

and we're really sorry.

We're sorry we ruined your wedding.

Oh, no, you didn't ruin it. A lot of couples

spend their wedding night in separate hotel suites.

You weren't there? I didn't notice.

Oh, now, now.

You can't start your lives like this together.

Yeah, come on, you know, don't let a petty little spat

make you lose sight of why you got married in the first place.

Yeah, you love each other.

What you gonna do, just throw all that away?

Really, think of everything you've shared.

Think of how long you've known each other.

Remember your first kiss?

Remember the first time you told him that you loved him?

Remember when you finally got up the nerve to propose?

When people love each other that much, there's no reason

in the world they shouldn't spend

the rest of their lives together.

I don't care where we get married,

I just wanna get married.

Uh, Joe... What?

Oh, oh. Oh, yeah.

Rick, look, um,

before you let this bickering

ruin the rest of your lives,

isn't there something you wanna say to Karen?

Go on. ( groans )

All right.

Karen...

I'm having an affair with your cousin Patty.

What?!

Uh, Rick, I'm looking a little foolish here.

Okay, it's just some bad news

but, uh, probably a onetime thing.

Probably never happen again. Here we go.

I'm in love with her.

Can't sugarcoat it. That's bad.

Look, I-I-I guess what I'm trying to say is

I-- I just don't wanna be married to you.

I don't wanna be married to you either.

Huh?

My parents pressured me, so I settled.

( laughing ): Well, what are we waiting for?

Come on, let's go down to the courthouse

and get this sucker annulled.

( door closes )

You know, those people have some real problems.

We're not like them, are we?

No. We're just fighting about mini hot dogs.

So we're not in trouble?

Of course not.

We're just two giant pains in the ass.

Oh, you're just saying that. No, I mean it.

( upbeat theme playing )

( band playing romantic music )

I'm having a wonderful time.

Me too.

I'm glad we came back to our special place.

So am I. Mmm.

Oh, you look so beautiful.

Thank you.

( applause )

Well, I guess we should sit down and eat.

Okay. Who are we gonna be tonight?

Dr. and Mrs. Toshiro Yashahara.