Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Good morning, Fay.

Good morning.

You seem upset. Is everything okay?

Well, you know, every few years my friends

from stewardess school get together for a reunion,

and this year we're holding it on the island.

Well, that doesn't seem so bad.

No, I know, but here I am,

I'm on my own, I don't have a husband...

I just wish I had something to lord over them.

Oh, you mean, like some old man with a little bow tie

to make a fuss over you?

No.

I mean, like some buff young stud

who can't keep his hands off me.

I'll do it.

You'll do what?

I'll be your hunka, hunka burning love.

Well, I'm just not sure if it would work out.

You mean, no one would believe someone your age would go out

with a young guy like Lowell?

No.

I mean, I'd just feel silly going through some charade,

although my friend Myra would turn green.

Oh, let's do it.

All right.

All right, now, listen,

in order for your friends to believe

that we're really a couple, you know,

there's some intimate details

that we need to know about each other.

For instance, um, are those your real teeth?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

It is freezing outside.

Oh, and in the dead of winter too.

How unseasonable.

Now, that was just sarcasm for no good reason, wasn't it?

Sorry.

Can I get you something hot to drink?

Oh, no, it's two degrees out.

I'd like a snow cone.

It's like some weird sarcasm virus going around.

Oh, right, Helen.

I'm sure that's exactly what it is.

Uh, listen, I've got an announcement.

It's a little thing, so don't make a big deal of it.

Okay, what's up?

I'm getting married.

Uh-- What? What?

BRIAN: You're kidding.

Roy, so many questions leap to mind.

Um, like, where'd you meet her?

Uh, what's she like?

What kind of bet did she lose?

I-I know this is kind of sudden, but, guys,

I think this is the real thing.

Oh... Tsk.

This is the woman I have waited for my whole life.

Um, how'd you meet her?

Through a Russian mail-order catalog.

We haven't actually met yet.

You bought a bride.

It's not like that at all.

This is on the up and up.

This marriage was arranged through an agency that finds

Russian brides for single American men.

I took one look in that catalog,

and Anya just stood out like--

Like an angel.

"Anya." See? Gave it a lot of thought.

Got halfway through the A's.

Hey, what's up?

Roy's marrying a Russian mail-order bride.

Oh, I see, that's the game we're playing, huh?

Yeah, the pope's outside snow-blowing the sidewalk.

No, Joe, it's true.

What, really?

They're from two different cultures,

they've never met, and he doesn't have a chance.

I don't know.

Never met, she has no idea what he's like?

I'd say it's his only chance.

Uh, what does she look like?

Here's her picture.

She describes herself of being of average height and weight.

All right, average. Way to go, Roy!

Doesn't anyone but me think this is crazy?

I can't imagine a more inappropriate relationship.

Okay, Fay.

Now, then, ahem,

how many times a week do we have sex?

Oh...

Well, uh, I'm not a kid anymore, let's say seven.

Roy, even for you this is insane.

She's right.

How can you think of using a catalog to find a woman?

It's so impersonal,

it's so dehumanizing-- Hello, Nadia.

Take a look at Number 185.

Oh. Oh, I see. That's her weight.

Roy, do me a favor,

take your time and think about this.

Sure, but it can't take any longer than two minutes.

Anya's flight just landed.

Roy, this is wrong in so many ways,

it's hard to explain without charts.

How do I look?

I've been eating salads for the past few days.

You know how my weight tends to yo-yo up and down.

( coughs )

Boy, those radishes really stay with you.

I need to pop a Certs.

Figures it would take the breakup of the Soviet Union

for Roy to get lucky, huh?

( Russian accent ): Roy Biggins?

No. No, no, no.

Sorry.

Roy Biggins?

No. No, no, no. No.

Sorry.

Uh, no, no, uh, I'm not Roy either,

but, uh, listen, do you know Ludmilla Blova?

Anya?

Roy Biggins?

Yeah, it's me.

I am Anya Volkova.

Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Oh, no.

No, no, the pleasure is mine.

Uh, you're, uh-- You're even prettier than your picture.

Heh. I'm, uh--

I'm sorry, mine must have gotten lost in the mail.

No problem.

You are just as I imagined.

Even handsomer yet.

Really? Heh.

You're not disappointed? Now, the truth.

Ah, good, Roy.

Give her every opportunity

to let out one of those Fay Wray screams.

I'll just, uh, take Anya to her hotel.

You're gonna take her to a hotel?

She just traveled halfway around the world all by herself,

she doesn't know anyone in this country.

Um, excuse me, hi.

I'm Helen Chappel.

I'm a friend of--

I know Roy.

And, um, I would like to invite you to stay with me.

Oh, that is very kind.

You approve?

Oh, yeah, sure, sure. I'll, uh--

I'll pick you up tonight. We'll go out.

It is acceptable.

"Acceptable"?

That's more enthusiasm than he's used to.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Ooh.

Hey, Case. Hi.

Oh, listen, I'm sorry I sprung Anya on you

without even calling.

Just the thought of her in a hotel room all by herself--

I mean, she's such a shy, little mousy thing.

Oh, yeah.

How am I looking?

Wow!

That is gorgeous on you.

Yes. I am a real cupcake? Yeah!

And, you know, I have got a great bag

to go with that outfit.

And matching shoes?

And a cinch belt!

( both giggling )

Haven't we bonded?

This is so much fun.

I mean, this is like having my very own life-sized Barbie.

Can we keep her?

Oh, it is all so exciting.

It is like dream.

Do you think my fiancé Roy Biggins will like me this way?

Well, you're breathing.

For--

For Roy, everything else is gravy.

I'm sorry?

N-nothing.

Listen, I-I wanted to ask you a personal question.

Weren't there any wonderful men, like Roy, uh, in your country?

Well, let me tell you a little about village where I come from.

Ooh, I love stories about quaint, faraway places.

Everyone is unemployed, inflation is 2000 percent,

the ruble is kaput, the Russian mob runs everything,

and the really lucky women

have husbands who come home sober twice a week.

Uh-huh. Heh.

So how's the nightlife?

Uh, look, I-I get why you-- You want to leave,

but to marry a total stranger?

Isn't there anything else you can do?

L-like in my profession,

I could go anywhere in the world and earn a living.

Oh, you are lucky.

All I have is doctorate from Moscow University

in Art History.

Well, you know, it's no short-order cook.

All I'm trying to say is: is you may have some options.

Oh, I hear what you are saying,

but my fiancé, Roy Biggins, is good man,

and I make solemn vow to him.

Well, I don't think you really know him.

Oh, yes, I do.

From his faxes, I know him.

His fine mind. His good deeds.

He reveres his mother,

and he has remained celibate until marriage.

When you get married, don't you want to marry for love?

Oh, Helen, it's easy for you to say.

You have high school sweetheart, that big bohunk Joe.

( doorbell rings )

But for me is different.

No, I am bound by honor to marry my fiancé, Roy Biggins.

I think I'd have to be bound and gagged to marry him.

Hi. Yeah.

Yeah, hi. Oh...

Where's Anya? You--

Whoa-ho-ho-ho.

You are pleased?

( chuckling ): "Pleased."

"Pleased" doesn't quite say it.

You are so elegant.

So, what do you say we go tie on the old feedbag, huh?

Hey, Roy, I've got a good idea.

Why don't you take her to the Left Bank Café?

Oh, that artsy-fartsy place.

Why do we want to go there?

Because they have some lovely paintings and Anya loves art.

Since when? Since she got her doctorate

in Art History.

Art History?

I thought it was Archery.

The Left Bank Café sounds nice.

Oh, no, no, no.

I wanna to take you to my special place,

the Casa Kielbasa.

You're gonna love it.

Sausages as big as your arm.

Ah, even better.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Okay, Fay. Pop quiz.

Oh, no, Lowell, not again.

Hey, your friends are gonna be here tomorrow.

Now, if we're gonna be a believable couple,

then we got to get our story straight.

Okay, all right, first time we met was:

A, the supermarket checkout line,

B, church social,

C, Lollapalooza Two?

Look, Lowell, we've been doing this all day.

Back off.

Fay, Fay.

So many walls.

Holy cow.

Is that the same girl?

Oh, my God. She looks incredible.

I-I mean-- I mean, nobody looks their best in a babushka.

HELEN: Can you imagine

your only two choices in life being Roy or Siberia?

I mean, one is cold, vast and depressing,

and the other is way the hell in Russia.

Hi, how are you doing? Hi.

Apparently my fiancé, Roy Biggins, is momentarily busy.

Would you like some coffee?

Thank you.

Helen.

Oh, my, Renoir's Dancing at Bougival.

This is one of my favorite paintings.

Oh, this book is yours?

Uh, no. Someone must have left it here.

Oh, look, it's from the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston.

Oh, all these beautiful paintings.

This Boston, is it far?

Oh, it's about an hour by air.

I'll fly you.

Oh, good. It's still here.

Oh, this beautiful book is yours.

I'm sorry.

Uh, that-- That's okay, if--

If you were enjoying it.

I love Renoir.

I guess we both go for the impressionists.

But I am mad also for the expressionists:

Klee, Kandinsky, Jean Arp.

Oh, Arp. I love him.

( giggles )

I've always admired the Dada school.

Hey, I guess you could say, uh, your heart belongs to Dada. Heh.

Don't-- Don't get me wrong,

but you're an embarrassment to our country.

Uh, by the way, I'm-- I'm Evan Daniels.

I am Anya Volkova.

So pleased to meet you.

Oh, you know much about art.

Well, I teach Art History at Boston University.

Oh.

You know, it's just like a fairy tale.

The prince and the princess

and the romantic encounter by the enchanted brook.

Oh, and I forgot about the ogre who lives under the bridge.

Anya, this-- This may seem terribly forward, but, uh,

I-- I'd love to show you the museum.

Oh-ho, there's my girl.

Anya, I know how much you like this artsy stuff

so I brought you a little somethin'.

( sighs )

That is, uh...

unbelievable.

Who's this?

Oh, this is Evan Daniels.

He is art professor.

This is my fiancé, Roy Biggins.

You're engaged.

That's right, pal.

Send away for one of your own.

Well, uh, I'd better go.

Oh, wait, don't forget your book.

You keep it.

It was extraordinary meeting you, Anya.

Perhaps we'll meet again someday.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

( mouths ): Goodbye.

Boy, you're lucky you're engaged to me.

That's what's out there in the dating pool.

I am so glad Roy saw that.

Now he's got to call it off.

Anya? Yes?

We both know what, uh-- What's going on here.

Let's get married tomorrow.

I mean, we-- We couldn't ask for a better rapport.

And the physical thing is obviously happening, so...

So be it.

If it is to be done, it best be done quickly.

You don't know how long I've waited

to hear someone utter those words.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Okay, Fay, your friends are gonna be here any second,

we need to cram.

Oh, Lowell,

give it a rest.

We've been over this a thousand times.

Yeah, and we're gonna go over it a thousand more, missy.

Okay, now, then,

what's the biggest thing I've ever found in my ear?

A Kadota fig.

Right.

Okay, when you connect the freckles on my back,

what do you see?

Mount Rushmore.

Except for...?

Lincoln's nose.

Right.

And my favorite snack food is...?

A Kadota fig.

Look, for God's sake, Lowell,

you have been following me around day and night.

I need some breathing room.

It's like you're obsessed.

No-- It's-- It's-- It's over.

I don't want you to be my boyfriend anymore.

( Lowell sighs )

Uh, all right now, now, that's crazy talk.

Uh, now, listen, lamb chop--

N-no, I'm not your lamb chop,

or-- Or your honeybun,

or your "Sharona," whatever the hell that is.

But, munchkin--

No, it-- It-- It's over.

Okay, fine.

I've never felt so used in my entire life.

Fay?

Oh, Myra. Heh.

Well, I can see you haven't let the grass grow under your feet.

What? Your boyfriend.

I'm impressed.

( laughing ): Who, him?

Oh, no, he's-- Uh...

just a little souvenir I picked up at Lollapalooza Two.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

All right, how long do we have to wait?

It's past 1:00, where are the bride and goon?

Hey, guys, thanks, uh--

Thanks for coming to share

the happiest day of our lives with us.

Blow.

Waterproof mascara.

Are-- Are you all right?

Uh-huh. I am fine.

Is it not tradition to cry at weddings?

Well, i-it is if you're marrying Roy.

Okay!

Let the games begin.

We're, uh-- We're here to get married.

You're kidding.

Well, just fill out this form.

Let's see, uh, groom's name: Roy Biggins.

Bride's name: Anya-- What is it again?

Volkova. Right. I knew that.

We're very close.

Any previous marriages?

Well, I'm not just gonna sit here and watch.

Excuse me, sweetheart.

Um, Roy, could I just talk to you a second?

No. Great, thanks.

I can tell what you're thinking.

Well, don't tell Helen.

Will you save your breath, all right?

There is no way you're talking me out of this.

No, I wouldn't dream of it. Good.

I just have one simple question:

are you out of your freakin' mind?

I'm not having this conversation.

Yes, you are.

Okay. Okay. What is it?

Okay. Forget about Anya.

Why do you want to do this?

For a chance at a little happiness.

And because I've fallen for her.

Oh, please, Roy.

It is true. It happened the minute I saw her.

She is-- She's smart and-- And she's classy,

not to mention beautiful.

I'm crazy about her.

And I think she feels the same way about me.

( Anya sobbing )

Why do you want to spend the rest of your life

with someone you don't even know?

The truth?

There hasn't been anybody in my life since Sylvia left me.

I am tired of watching everybody else have a life.

And I go home to my dog

and my TV and my erotic decanter collection.

( sighs )

What's going on?

Anya's in there crying her eyes out.

She's afraid you've run out on her,

or afraid you're coming back.

Roy, don't do this.

You once had the real thing with Sylvia.

I mean, don't give up looking for that now.

You know in your heart of hearts this is not right

and neither one of you are gonna be happy.

You know, Chappel, if it was anybody else

you would think it was romantic.

Well, forget it.

This is right, and I know it.

I am gonna make that little lady Mrs. Anya Vol-- Something.

--Biggins.

I'm sorry.

I don't usually behave this way.

Oh, it's okay, baby. Let it all out.

Joe, I-I think it's time to give the bride away.

She's really upset.

Joe, give the bride away.

Uh-huh.

Anya, we're gonna remember this

as the most romantic day of our lives.

Number 51. You're up.

That's us. You ready, baby?

Ready.

Roy Biggins. Yes?

You have rescued me from a life of desperation and poverty,

and I promise you, I--

Yes?

I will do everything I can to make you a good wife.

Yeah, we're gonna have a blast. Heh.

Ah, what the hell am I doing?

What?

I thought I wanted to give up my swinging single life,

but I don't.

I got too many wild oats to sow.

Baby, this wedding is off.

Really?

Yep. Like they say in Russian: auf Wiedersehen.

But my fiancée visa will expire and I must go back.

Hey, hey, that's not my problem.

No, of course not.

But maybe it might be some other guy's problem.

Maybe that art professor guy.

Oh, Roy Biggins.

( sniffles )

I will never forget you.

How far is Boston?

Well, we can be there by 2.

( both giggling )

Have fun.

You know, uh, maybe I-- I should fly 'em.

Okay.

Ah, you're the best.

Roy, that was really something, what you did.

Hey, how about you and me, lunch, Casa Kielbasa, my treat.

Why not? Might cheer me up.

Today's all-you-can-eat schnitzel day,

they got a live polka band.

Yeah? Great.

"Dear Svetlana, I feel we have much in common.

"Like yourself, I have been a stevedore

"in the merchant marine,

"and if I may boast,

"I too can throw a 16-pound hammer 200 feet.

"I'm sorry you had to destroy your ox,

but I admire the fact that you did it with your bare hands."

I'm kidding myself.

This woman is too good for me.