Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Ah. I'm sorry, Lowell. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Can you just stop blaming yourself, Antonio?

No, no, no, it's my fault, and I'm-- I'm sorry.

Lowell, my goodness, what happened to your hands?

Well...Antonio asked me

to change his spark plugs

in his cab and, um--

Well, you know that bar

that's supposed to hold up the hood?

Yeah. It didn't.

Yeah. I know, I know.

I should've checked that, and I'm-- I'm so sorry.

No. Oh, look, it's not your fault.

No, he's right, Antonio.

Just because you tried to save a few bucks

and have Lowell work on your car for free,

that doesn't mean it was your fault.

Just means you're cheap.

I know. I am cheap. I'm cheap and I'm sorry.

Nah, look, stop beating yourself up.

I'm gonna be fine.

( plane flies overhead )

Please. Let me, okay?

Because, you know...

until those bandages come off,

I'm gonna be by your side.

I mean, I am going to be your hands.

Yeah, well, I appreciate that,

but really, I'm-- You know, I'm grown.

I can fend for myself. I-- Huh-- Huh--

I--

( sneezes )

Wait for the blow.

( blows loudly )

( sniffles ) Okay.

Heh. You know. Maybe--

Maybe I could use a little help.

( lively theme playing )

So...what do you wanna do tonight?

I don't know. What do you wanna do?

I don't know. What do you wanna do?

Uh, well, we could go to a movie.

Oh. We did that last night.

Uh, how about we go to dinner?

Again?

We could, um... you know?

Hm. Yeah, but how long will that take?

Hey, wait a minute.

( plane flying overhead )

( whistling )

Oh, hi, Brian. Where are you going?

Well. Where else would I be going on a Saturday night?

Flying to Boston to do my laundry.

Boy. Your life's just a nonstop Mardi Gras, isn't it?

( laughs )

Well, uh, actually, see,

I'm gonna be going to one of the hippest

new places in Boston, The Laundro-Mate.

That's right. It's a combination

laundromat/singles bar.

And, uh...

if I play my cards right tonight...

I'm gonna get fluffed and folded. ( laughs )

Oh, hell, I'm not doing anything. I'll go with you.

Wait-- Uh-- Uh, excuse me?

You actually think that I'm gonna

spend Saturday night with you?

What mood levelers are you on?

Oh. Please take me with you.

I've gotta get off this island.

I am one lonely Saturday night away

from inviting the paperboy in for fudge.

Oh. All right. All right, you can come.

And, uh, since you don't have any laundry,

I'll show you what a sport I am and...

let you wash my socks.

Told you it wouldn't take long.

Hey, guys, um, were you doing anything fun tonight?

Yeah. We're going to Boston to do our laundry.

It's a combination laundromat/ singles bar thing.

It-- It's a lot cooler than you think.

Well, actually, it's not,

but, uh, we're bored, we're desperate,

and we have nothing better to do.

BOTH: Can we come?

No. No, this is for singles only.

You're a couple.

That's right. They don't like your kind there.

Hey, come on, let's go.

First 25 customers gets a free packet of Wisk.

Laundromat/singles bar. ( scoffs )

Boy, am I glad those days are over.

Yeah, me too.

We don't need other people to have a good time.

Hey, Fay, what are you doing tonight?

Oh. Well, ac-- Actually, I have wonderful plans.

There's a singles dance at the senior center,

and I'm hoping to dance with Lyle Porter.

Isn't he, like, almost 80?

Well, yes. But once those nitro pills kick in,

you try keeping up with him.

( sighs )

You know what we need?

A life? No. No.

We need to meet some other couples.

Some people we have more in common with.

Seems like everyone we hang out with is single.

We know couples. I know.

We can call Sue and Gary. ( scoffs )

Yeah, sure. While you're having fun with Sue,

I get to hear Gary tell a story

of how he neutered his own cat.

( sighs ) Okay, how about Bill and Nora?

I mean, we always have fun with them.

They're a great couple. They're terrific.

They're getting divorced. I saw that coming.

Come on, come on. There must be some couple we know

that we could go out with. Um, excuse me. Heh.

I couldn't help but overhear.

And are you in luck. Have I got a couple for you.

Who?

Uh...Scott and Gwen Tucker.

I play cribbage with Gwen's Aunt Mimi.

They're great.

Yeah, well, if they're so great,

how come they're alone on Saturday night?

Oh, uh, because they just moved to the island.

What's your excuse?

Joe, I'm-- I'm telling you,

these are wonderful people.

They've got great personalities.

Great personalities. You know what that means.

They're bow-wows. Yep.

Oh-- Uh, that's okay. If you change your mind,

I'll-- I'll be happy to give you their number.

Thanks, Fay, but, uh,

we don't need you to set us up.

We're not that desperate.

Hey, do you guys wanna do something tonight?

Uh, sure. Sure, I-- I'd love to.

But he can't.

Because tonight's Saturday night,

and Saturday night is...?

What?

Bath night.

( mellow theme playing )

( sighs ) This was a big mistake.

We never should let Fay set us up.

What if the Tuckers turn out to be dorks?

We gotta have an out plan.

Oh, that's a good idea.

All right. I'll rub my temples like this,

and then you ask me

if I'm having one of my migraines.

Hey, you use that on me.

Um...well-- Well, for you,

it was a real headache.

Boy, I hate meeting new people.

What if we have nothing to say to 'em?

Oh, don't-- Don't worry about that.

I got a great icebreaker.

I'll tell my tepee joke. ( sniffs )

Your tepee joke?

Yeah. Yeah, you know,

the guy goes to the psychiatrist,

says, "Doc, I'm a tepee, I'm a wigwam.

I'm a tepee, I'm a wigwam."

Doctor says, "Your problem is you're two tents."

You get it? Get it, two--

Two-- Two tents? Two tents.

( doorbell rings ) Oh, God, they're here.

Okay, now, Joe, let's just

put on a good face, okay?

Hey. They're really cute.

Get away from there. They're gonna see you.

Don't tell me what to do-- Come here--

No, stop it! Come over here. Stop it!

( speaks indistinctly ) No, you-- I am relaxed.

ALL: Hi!

I'm Helen. I'm Joe.

I'm Scott. I'm Gwen.

And we're all here to play Password.

( all laugh )

Take their coats, Joe.

Uh, here, let me take your coat.

Welcome. Please come in.

Oh, your home is beautiful.

HELEN: Oh, well, thank you.

JOE: So, uh, we understand that

you're new to our little hamlet.

Hamlet? Joe, just act normal.

Yeah, we-- We decided we wanted a better quality of life.

We had had enough of the fast-paced big city.

Oh, where did you live?

Fargo, North Dakota.

I-- I'm kidding. New York.

BOTH ( chuckling ): Oh.

She's funny. Yeah.

Uh, so, Scott, what do you do?

I'm a cardiologist.

Ooh. Oh.

A doctor?

I understand you're a pilot. Now, that sounds great.

I always wanted to fly.

We-- Hey, any time you want to,

I'll be happy to take you up.

Really? I can't wait. Oh, before I forget.

This is for you.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

Wow. Oh, this is beaut--

This looks like a great bottle of wine.

It's sort of a hobby of mine. I have a wine cellar.

Really? I'm impressed.

Hey, any time you want, I'd be happy to take you down.

( all laughing )

Did--? Did--? Did you hear that, Helen?

I said, "I'd be happy to take you up."

He-- He said, "I'd be happy to take you down." Yeah.

You see what we did there? Yeah.

I get it, Joe. Just open the wine.

Oh-- Oh, okay. I'll give you a hand.

Oh. Thanks, Scott.

Oh, please, my friends call me Tuck.

Oh, great.

( chuckles ): Tuck. ( Helen scoffs )

I'm sorry about Joe.

Oh, that's okay.

He's probably just a little overanxious tonight.

No. He's always like that. ( both laughing )

Just sorry about it.

Oh. About Scott and his wine cellar, heh.

( laughing ): Wine cellar.

It's six bottles of Chianti in a Styrofoam cooler.

Oh, really?

So how long have you two been married?

Uh, two years. But we've known each other forever.

Oh. Yeah, so have Joe and I.

Yeah, well, we wanted to wait until we knew it was right.

Yeah, so do we, but we got engaged anyway.

( both laughing )

You know, Helen? What?

I gotta tell you, I was really kind of nervous

about coming here tonight.

Really? Believe it or not,

we even had an out plan.

Oh. An out plan? Yeah.

Oh, God, what in the heavens is that?

( both laughing )

Two tents. Yeah.

That is hysterical.

Honey, wait till you hear this joke.

Yeah.

Aren't they great? I love them.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Potato.

Mm. And potato.

And...potato.

Okay. All right.

( plane flying overhead )

Pea.

Pea. Ugh.

Lowell...

potato, potato, potato, pea, pea--

For God's sake. Who--? Who eats like this?

I do. ( scoffs )

I don't like to confuse my taste buds.

First, I like to have the entire potato experience.

Then, I move over to--

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. I got it.

Pea. Ugh.

Pea. Ugh.

Lowell. There-- There are no more peas.

That's not what I meant.

Oh, Lowell...

Helen, this soup is delicious.

Oh, good. You know, I got this recipe

from Gwen Tucker when we were out last night.

Oh. That's the third time this week

you've been out with the Tuckers.

Oh, is it? Gosh, I didn't even realize.

The days just seem to drift into one another. Oh.

I'll never forget my first couple, the Krupnicks.

George and I met them at the stamp-and-coin show.

Sid was a stationery salesman, Betty was a notary public.

Oh, those were wild times.

I'll never forget my first couple.

Oh, were they Sylvia's friends?

Who said anything about Sylvia?

Uh, so who was the foursome?

Who said anything about a foursome?

Brian, please-- No.

Brian... No! No.

You couldn't get me to go back to the Laundro-Mate

if you dragged me by the tongue.

Listen, if you wanna go back there,

go by yourself, all right--?

Oh, please. What, everyone knows a lady

doesn't walk into a laundromat/bar unescorted.

Yes. A lady also doesn't open her dryer

for just any guy with a roll of Bounce. Oh-ho.

You're just jealous because I got all the attention.

Oh, yeah-- Oh, sure. There's tons of competition, you know.

It was either you or a 300-pound woman

who was washing her party dress in the heavy loader.

You have to take me back.

Look at you.

You've turned into a-- A laundry slut.

Helen. Yeah.

Listen...I talked to my friend, Larry.

He's gonna lend us his cabin

in Vermont for the weekend.

You know what I'm thinking?

Let's invite the Tuckers. Exactly.

I mean, uh, they like all the same things we do, you know?

Hiking, skiing, my tepee joke. Oh.

No, wait a minute.

Maybe it's too soon to go away with them.

What are you talking about?

Well, if we go away with them,

they'll see our bad sides.

You know, like that, uh, pleasant scratching thing

that you do in the morning?

Helen, all guys scratch in the morning.

If you slept with a few more men, you would know that.

Uh, for-- Forget I said that.

Look, c-- Come on, we'll have a great time.

I don't know--

Oh, Helen, come on. Helen, a weekend in Vermont.

A snow-covered cabin. A roaring fire.

The Tuckers.

Let's do it.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

There was a farmer had a dog And Bingo was his name-o

B, I... ( claps three times )

B, I... ( claps three times )

B, I... ( claps three times )

And Bingo was his name-o

There was a farmer Had a dog, and--

Okay. Uh, sorry, Lowell Jr.,

but, uh, we'll have to call you back.

Well...that-- That wasn't Lowell Jr.

That was my Uncle Wally.

( laughter )

Oh. Welcome back.

ALL: Hi!

How was the weekend?

Oh, man, we had such a good time.

We went cross-country skiing. We hiked up in the snow.

We made these really big meals.

And you know what the best part is?

We did everything together. Oh.

Everything. ( chuckles )

Yeah. I mean, after this weekend,

I feel like I've known these two, well, forever.

Does seem like that.

( Joe chuckles )

Oh. And for the woman who made it all possible,

just a little something

from the four of us to say thank you.

Oh. Thank you.

I don't know what to say. How thoughtful.

Oh. Vermont maple syrup.

So...

four people chipped in for this.

For syrup. Thanks.

Boy, you know what? Uh, we really better get going.

I've got hospital rounds in the morning.

Great. Hey, uh, so,

what do you wanna do Saturday?

I know. We can go bowling. Or dinner?

HELEN: Or both.

Uh-- Sounds great. We'll call you.

Yeah. Yeah, we'll call you.

Well, Gwen, it was a great weekend.

Yeah. Hey, thanks

for a great weekend, buddy.

See you later.

Bye, guys.

Call us.

( plane flying overhead )

That was weird.

Gwen usually hugs me a little longer than that.

Yeah. Since when does Tuck just shake my hand

like I'm a total stranger?

I hope everything's okay.

Oh, what are we doing? Uh, yeah.

You know what? We're just reading into things

because we like them so much.

You're right. You know what? Everything is fine.

You're getting dumped.

What are you talking about?

The Tuckers love us.

You're getting dumped.

Trust me. I know the signs.

The hug that doesn't last quite as long.

The noncommittal air when discussing future plans.

The phone number that's...

disconnected.

The electrified fence...

the attack dogs...

the subtle cocking of a shotgun when you've finally made it

to the front door!

Heh. Come on, haven't we all been there?

( chuckles )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Turn.

Turn.

Oh! Oh, jeez, I just got a paper cut.

Ooh. I hate those. Mm.

They sting like crazy.

Ah.

Turn.

Turn.

Look, Lowell, I-I--

I'm sorry, but, you know, I-- I--

For the past three weeks, you know,

I-- I-- I've done your job, I've cleaned your house,

I've fed you, I've bathed you.

I-- I've done everything for you a man can do,

and still be able to call himself a man.

You know, I'm-- I'm sorry,

but, uh, I-- I just can't do it anymore.

I-- I just can't.

Gosh, you know, I don't blame you, Antonio.

You've been a good friend.

Go on. Enjoy your life.

It's time I started doing things for myself.

Thanks, Lowell.

Here. See there? You--

You're gonna do just fine.

Turn.

Turn.

Gum.

Hey, uh, Fay, have you seen Joe?

Yeah, he's in the office. BRIAN: Oh.

Well, it's Saturday night. Where's your laundry?

( both chuckle )

Aren't you going to that Laundro-Mate place?

Mm. No. That was getting old.

You know, I was sitting there at 2 a.m.

holding a tequila shooter and a box of Fab,

and I thought, you know,

I don't need gimmicks to get men.

All I have to do is just be myself. Yeah.

So where are you two off to?

Temple Beth Shalom.

There's a mixer for Jewish singles.

They're having line dancing and cake.

Hey, you guys sure you don't wanna come with Casey and...?

Ho, ho, ho. This-- This is pathetic.

Hey, don't tell me you're actually waiting by the phone.

Uh, no, no.

( scoffs ) No. We're--

We're just, uh, uh...

relaxing after a long week.

All right, all right.

Face the facts.

It's Saturday night. The Tuckers are not gonna call.

You don't know that.

Thi-- This is ridiculous.

You know, why don't you just go and find another couple?

We don't want another couple.

We want our Tuckers.

( sighs ) Well, okay.

But in case you change your mind,

we'll leave your name at the door with Rabbi Geller.

Shalom.

( sighs ) I don't know what's wrong.

I left at least a dozen messages on their machine.

I know. I've been beeping Tuck all week.

He doesn't answer.

Maybe they're out of town.

No. I drove by their house before.

The lights were on.

I checked the mailbox.

It was empty.

Felt the hood of their car. It was still warm.

Why didn't you just go up to the door,

knock and say hello?

Didn't wanna seem weird.

Joe...

what if they don't call?

Don't say that.

You know, even if they do call...

I don't wanna go out with 'em now.

You know what? You're-- You're right.

You know, we don't need them. They can't do this to us.

No. ( phone rings )

Hey, Tuck? Tuck?

What? No. No. Call back tomorrow.

Brian's in temple.

( plane flying overhead )

Fay, have there been any calls for--?

Tuck? Gwen? Uh.

Hey, Joe. Hi, Joe.

Oh. Helen. They're here.

Oh, we have been mad at you.

What did you do, break your dialing finger?

Well, uh-- Oh--

Oh, hell, the important thing is you're here.

You two. You could have picked up a phone. Oh.

Helen, I'm really sorry, but--

Don't you apologize. We could never stay mad at you guys.

Yeah, so, hey, what are you in the mood for tonight, huh?

Chinese? Italian? Yeah.

Hey, sorry we're late, guys.

Did you pick up the tickets yet, Tuck?

Tuck?

He-- He called you Tuck.

Who are these people?

What's--? What's going on?

( gasps ) You're going away with them.

H-- How long has this been going on?

Look, we didn't plan for it to happen.

It just happened.

Come on. Can't we still be friends?

Ha. How many lives have you shattered with that line?

You used us. And we gave you

some of the best weekends of our life.

Oh, this must be "Two Tents."

JOE: That was our joke.

I suppose you gave 'em a bottle of wine too.

Well, as a matter of fact, I--

Why don't you guys go wait for us on the plane?

We'll be right out.

Okay.

Well, I'd like to know one thing.

What's wrong with us?

We're fun. We're cute. We're peppy.

You wanna know what's wrong?

You're too clingy.

You-- You're too needy.

You like us too much.

Well, if liking you is wrong...

I don't wanna be right.

Let's not make a scene. Uh, hey, maybe we can

get together in a few weeks.

Oh. You don't mean that. You know, you led us on.

Oh, come on. We never said we wouldn't see other couples.

It was understood.

I want my Michael Bolton tape back.

Look, you're really nice people.

I mean, you'll meet another couple.

Oh-- Oh, please, we don't need your pity.

Yeah, that is right. We are quite a catch.

Look, maybe--

I think you'd better go. Think so.

Okay, fine.

No, no, don't-- Don't go! Wait, wait!

Look, it's over!

I-it doesn't have to be. Um, we could change.

Yeah, I thought we were gonna grow old together.

You people are nuts. Will you leave us alone?

Yeah. And, you, stop beeping me.

They'll be back.

Ah, who are we kidding?

Tuckers are gone forever.

It'll be okay, Helen.

Couples are like buses.

There'll be another one by any minute.

At least we have each other, Joe.

Right. Yeah, we don't need anyone else.

No. Mm-mm.

Excuse me. Hi. Do you know where we could find a taxi?

Are you two new on the island?

Spot.

Hm. Spot.

Spot. All right, look. Hold it

with the spots. I-I've got to get another clean rag.

( cracks knuckles )

All right, I got a rag.

Where were we?

Spot.