Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hi.

What ya eatin' there, Roy?

Cheeseburger.

Murderer.

Excuse me?

How would you like it if a cow

was sittin' here munchin' on a Royburger?

I had an experience this weekend that changed my life.

Cousin Beevo and I went down to my grandmother's farm,

and we saw a calf being born.

Well, I took one look into those cute little cow eyes

and said, "You know, Beevo,

this calf and I are not that different."

Mm-hm.

There is one difference.

The calf would probably do better

on The New York Times crossword puzzle.

That's funny, meatboy.

It had a profound effect on me, though.

Mm. I've become a vegetarian.

Oh, ho-ho-ho. You?

A vegetarian?

The man who invented the meatsicle.

Look, I-I know not everyone shares my point of view,

and, you know, I promise

not to become one of those annoying fanatics

that foist their beliefs on everyone el--

Murderer!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

What are you starin' at?

This is a very nice suit.

I agree.

I agree, it's very hip.

So how do you think President Carter

will handle the gas shortage?

Okay, okay, okay.

Uh, all right, i-it's hideous.

I know, I know.

Fay it gave it to me. Oh.

You know, she-- She was going through her attic,

and she-- She came across some of her late husband's clothes,

and she noticed that he and I were the same size.

Well, what could I say?

Well, you could've said "No, thank you,

it'll turn my mood ring black."

Hey, Antonio. Hey.

What can I get you? Coffee, tea, beanbag chair?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, Fay, thank God you agree.

You know, because everyone's had the same reaction--

Oh, Antonio, seeing you in George's suit,

it's almost like he was here.

The feel of the fabric,

the flare of the pants,

that sexy, teasing hint

of Hai Karate.

You know, I-I-I didn't think I'd be able to part

with the rest of his things,

but now I want you to have his entire wardrobe.

No, Fay, no, please-- Oh, no, no.

I-I just can't wait to see you in his cruisewear.

Oh, listen, uh--

I-I-I-I-I can explain this suit.

This is not, uh--

It's not my...suit, um--

Oh, my God.

I just ate a Rolaids from the '70s.

Helen, your friend Sandy Cooper called.

She said that she's coming in on the 12:15 flight today.

Oh, Sandy's comin' today?

Oh, it's gonna be great to see her.

Yeah, I just hope Joe doesn't freak out.

He acts so crazy around her.

Oh, you don't think he still thinks

she's obsessed with him, do you?

You know how hard it is for him to let go of anything.

My God, the man still thinks Andy Rooney's funny.

Hey, are you guys

talking about Andy Rooney?

Did you see that hilarious thing

he did last Sunday on zip codes?

Uh, listen, Joe,

um, now don't get all crazy,

but, uh, Sandy Cooper's coming

for a visit to the island today.

Oh, God, where's my pepper spray?

Hey, what's the big deal with you and Sandy Cooper?

First, she had this incredible crush on me in high school.

Then when she was here last year, she--

Oh, boy, here we go again.

What? JOE: I-I will tell you what.

That lunatic locked me in her basement

and pretended it was our senior prom.

She put on her prom dress, she made me disco dance,

and get this, you know what she called me?

Joey Bear.

Oh, Joe, that must have been terrible for you.

His father was crazy. This coconut didn't fall

too far from the tree.

Okay, Joe, for the hundredth time,

isn't it possible that you might have blown this thing

way out of proportion? ( sighing )

All right, let's just say that you were in her basement

and, for laughs, she brought out a few old prom things--

No, look, I am not blowing anything out of proportion.

She is obsessed with me.

It-- Oh, you know what?

In fact, I bet that she found out we're engaged,

and that's why she's comin' back here.

She knows it's her last chance. It's now or never.

All right, may--? May I say something here, Joey Bear?

Okay, I am no therapist,

but might it be that Sandy

represents that long-gone period of your life

when you were the stud of 'Sconset High? Huh?

Listen to him, Joe. And now you're no longer

the captain of the baseball team and the girls don't hang

on your every word? That's right.

Now you're just an ordinary working schmo,

and the only girl you can still get is Helen.

Can we stick to prom boy here?

All right, fine, fine, fine.

Look, yeah, yeah, you guys can have all the fun you want,

but I'll tell you what: as long as Sandy Cooper's

on this island, she is not gonna get

within 100 feet of me.

Ah. Oh.

Jeez, Joe, you scared me.

Hey, Sandy.

Helen. How are you?

Oh, great.

Brian, it's good to see you. Hey, Sandy.

Oh, my God, Casey Chappel?

You probably don't remember me, but I certainly remember you.

You're as pretty as ever.

Oh, hah. ( whispers ): She's wonderful.

Sandy. Hi, Joe.

What are you doin'? Uh...

Yeah, uh, he means what are you doing here on the island?

Oh, uh, my parents sold their house,

and I'm here to pick up some of my things.

Oh, okay. Uh, where are you staying?

I booked a hotel room. No.

No, no, you're gonna stay here at my house.

Uh, no, no, no. Uh, that's right.

We won't take "uh, no, no, no" for an answer.

So, um, what do you say?

I think it's very sweet of you. Thanks.

Okay, good. Oh. That's my luggage.

I'll be right back.

Helen, she cannot stay with you. She is nuts.

She is totally obsessed with me.

Oh, Joe, will you stop it. 'Cause she is my friend,

and I expect you to behave yourself.

Okay, fine. I just hope she can keep her hands off me.

By the way, I was so excited

when my parents told me you two were engaged.

I always thought you belonged together.

Oh, man, she is all over you.

So, um, are you still an assistant DA?

I'm not with the DA's office anymore.

See? That figures. She got canned.

I was appointed a circuit court judge.

Joe, what a loser.

That is so impressive. Isn't it, Joe?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Congratulations. A judge, huh?

That brings up an interesting question.

Why did you lock me in your basement

and make me do the hustle?

Oh, my God.

You mean, all this time...

Joe, when we were in the basement--

Ah, uh, ah, uh.

You see? So-- So you admit

that little prom thing did happen.

Well, yes, it happened, but it was just a joke.

I can't believe you took me seriously.

A joke? Yeah.

You made such a big deal about that little crush

I had on you in high school, I just couldn't resist.

All this time you must have thought I was crazy.

Well, let me explain something to you about my brother.

Uh, when God was handing out senses of humor,

Joey was on line for pouty lips.

Look, listen to me,

I know a practical joke when I see one.

Oh, yeah, right.

How about the time with the walkie-talkies

and I convinced you that the dog could talk?

Hey, Ranger was movin' his lips,

and he was always a very bright dog.

Let's get your stuff to my house.

Um, Sandy,

isn't it ironic that I was the cheerleader in high school

and yet you became the judge? Heh.

Yeah, life's funny that way.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hi there.

I used to be a meat eater like yourself,

but, uh, not anymore.

Do I miss it?

You bet I do.

But when I'm tempted to try meat,

I just have a look at this.

That, my friend, is the large intestine

of a 55-year-old meat eater.

Have a nice day.

Okay, just one more question,

and I promise this is the last one.

I don't mind. Go ahead. Okay.

Getting back to this hypothetical woman

that I've been telling you about.

Um, you know, the one whose husband left her

and took all of her money.

Well, let's just say for the sake of argument

that she, oh, hunts him down and kills him.

What country could she go to to avoid extradition?

Casey, you cannot have Stuart killed.

Did I mention Stuart? I'm just having a little girl chat here.

( coughs )

Oh, you're a skittish little thing.

What are ya doin'?

I'm keepin' an eye on Sandy.

I don't trust her for one minute.

Oh, yeah, I know. You think this is all in my mind--

Ah, well, I did.

Then I realized that this is Joe we're talkin' about here,

and, uh, you're the most rational guy I know.

Thank you, Brian. Besides,

in order to make up such a bizarre story,

you'd have to have a-- An inventive and creative mind,

and, you know, you don't.

Exactly.

I am so relieved. Finally, someone believes me.

Now, please, help me convince Helen.

How am I gonna do that? She's not gonna believe me.

We need proof.

Well, I'm sorry.

I just-- I don't have proof.

Well, according to you,

she only goes nutso anytime you're alone with her.

So, uh,

why don't you just secretly record your conversation?

You mean, wear a wire? N-- You know, that's--

That's not a bad idea.

You could get one of those

little stick-pin microphones with a transmitter.

You could be across the street in a van with a receiver

and a reel-to-reel tape deck.

Or you can put this in your pocket

and press record.

Yeah, that could work too.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Thanks for comin' in, Sandy.

So, what did you wanna talk about?

Well, look, Sandy--

( into mic ): Sandy Cooper.

( normal voice ): --we both know what really happened in your basement,

and I think that you'll feel much better if you admit it.

Now, this will just be between you and me.

( into mic ): Saturday, 1:02 p.m.

How can I convince you it was only a practical joke?

Oh, Sandy, this is me you're talking to. Joe.

( into mic ): Joe Hackett.

( sighing ): Oh, all right.

I can't lie to you anymore.

I finally have to tell the truth,

and the truth is,

( muffled ): it wasn't a practical joke.

Wh-what? What, what? I-I didn't quite get that.

I can't. I'm too embarrassed to even look at you.

Come on. Now, uh, Sandy--

Sandy, you-- You have to look at me.

It'll make you feel better, and it'll help

if you speak slowly and-- And clearly.

Now, we were talking about what happened in your basement.

That it wasn't a joke.

Of course it wasn't.

It was my crazy way of showing how much I love you.

How much I've always loved you.

Sandy, I know how hard this must be for you.

So just to recap--

( into mic ): I was absolutely right.

I want you, Joe.

I want you right here, right now.

No, Sandy, uh-- Hey, Joe, I was wonderin'--

Oh, my God. What is going on?

Nothing, nothing.

Oh, uh, nothing, huh? Nothing?

Helen, Sandy just admitted everything.

Listen to this:

JOE ( recording ): Pick up milk, pick up eggs.

Pick up nail clippers.

The good kind.

No. I-I meant, uh, this. This.

SANDY ( recording ): Of course it wasn't.

It was my crazy way of showing how much I love you--

How much I've always loved you.

You recorded our conversation? How could you do that to me?

Joe was right all along? Yeah, that's right. I told ya.

How could you do this to me?

You were my friend.

I'm glad it's out in the open. I want him, Helen.

Well, you can't have him.

Hey, what's goin' on? It worked, it worked.

I-I got everything on tape.

Now they're fightin' over me.

All right, all right, all right.

There's only one way to handle this.

You're right. Rock, paper, scissors.

What? Forget it.

Odds and evens. I take odds.

Once-twice-three-shoot.

What? What is goin' on here?

You wanna know what's goin' on? I'll tell you what's goin' on.

You are the most gullible little boy

I have ever met in my life. ( baby gibberish )

( laughing )

You mean, this--? What? ( chuckles )

You mean this is--? This is all a joke?

( all laugh )

( laughing ): I knew that. I knew--

I can take a joke just as well as the next guy.

No, I can't. I hate all of you.

This is just too easy.

We shouldn't have done that.

I'm really sorry, Joe.

All right, now-- Now w-wait a minute.

Let me get this straight, Sandy.

Everything that happened in your basement,

that whole prom thing, that was a joke?

'Fraid so.

Well, this, uh, might be a little belated,

but, uh, hah-hah, good one.

So, friends?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, look, it's Sandy's last night here.

Let's all go out. Okay, yeah.

I'd love to, but I have stuff to do at my parents' house.

Okay, well, I'll give you a ride,

'cause I was just leavin' anyway.

Bye, Joey Bear. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

( sighs )

Brian just told me what happened in here.

Don't you feel the fool?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( doorbell rings )

( knock at door )

JOE: Helen, you ready to go?

It's so dark in here.

( singing the "Wedding March" )

Dum, dum, dum, dum

Sandy, what is this?

When I heard you and Helen were gettin' married, Joe,

I couldn't let that happen.

Welcome to our wedding, Joe.

( melancholy theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

It's our wedding day, Joe.

Isn't it exciting?

( groans )

( laughs )

Duh.

( laughing ): Oh, this-- I love this.

Oh, this is the best practical joke yet.

( laughs ) Joke?

I don't understand, Joey Bear.

Oh, yeah, okay, all right, okay.

Oh, well, then let's get "married," Sandy.

Oh, Joe, you don't know how long I've waited to hear those words.

Huh?

( laughing ): Oh, right.

This is where I'm supposed to get freaked out

and run out the door, right?

Well, I don't think that's gonna happen.

Oh, boy. So who's gonna marry us?

Helen? Brian?

No.

The Honorable Judge Sandra Cooper.

Oh-- Oh, okay, okay. That's very good. Come on.

Helen, Brian, come on out. You're missin' the best part.

They're not here, all right? What are ya, stupid?

I'm sorry. We're not even married yet,

and here I am being a nagging wife.

Uh, Sandy, quit foolin' around.

Now-- Now, wh-where is Helen?

That's a secret

I can only tell my husband.

( the "Wedding March" playing on tape)

( turns off music )

Helen? "Dearly beloved,

"we are gathered together to blah, blah, blah,

"yadda, yadda, yadda.

"Does anybody here have any objection

to these two being joined together?"

Yeah, I object.

Overruled.

"Do you, Joey Bear Hackett, take Sandy Cooper

to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Sandy, look-- Say it.

I do.

"Do you, Sandy Cooper, take Joey Bear Hackett

to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

Oh, I do.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride."

Pass. Kiss the bride.

Mm.

Oh, I'm so happy.

( sobbing ): I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

Don't cry.

That's better.

Look-- Look, um, Sandy,

now that we're married,

I don't think we should have any secrets from each other,

so why don't you just tell me where Helen is?

Helen?

Rules: We don't talk about former girlfriends, okay? Okay.

I know: let's cut the wedding cake.

But first you have to make a toast, Joe.

( sighing ) Make it now.

Look, Sandy, you can't keep doing this.

This is crazy-- This is the happiest day of my life.

L'chaim. Oh...

That is so sweet.

Okay, open wide.

( grunts )

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, that is so funny.

Somebody take a picture.

I have to do everything myself.

( mumbles ) ( shutter clicks )

Helen? Helen?

You know what it's time for now, Joey Bear?

Thorazine Big Gulp?

( laughs hard )

I don't care what anyone says,

you are funny.

Okay, time to do the hokey-pokey.

No. No, Sandy, I am not doing the hokey-pokey.

( quietly ): Joe, everyone's looking.

WOMAN ( on tape ): That's what It's all about

Sandy, look-- Backside!

--I-I-I think that you have a serious problem.

You put Your backside out

I really think you need to see a professional.

And you shake it All about

You do The hokey-pokey...

Uh, where is Helen?

Helen, Helen, Helen.

That's it. This wedding's over.

Oh, thank God. Time for the honeymoon.

No, no. Sandy, no, not a honeymoon.

Look, Joe, Hawaii.

Aloha.

( shutter clicks ) No--

Oh! Gay Paris.

Oh, je t'aime, je t'aime, je t'aime.

( French accent ): The food is so wonderful.

If I have one more soufflé, I'll burst.

Look, Sandy, don't take-- Ah, oh, okay.

Sandy, this honeymoon is over.

I know. Didn't it feel like it went by just like that?

Now, Sandy, look--

No, no, no.

Call me by that wonderful pet name

you have for me.

Okay.

Psycho.

Where is Helen? ( phone rings )

HELEN ( recording ): Hi, this is Helen. Leave a message at the beep.

No, no, Sandy, where--? Wh-where is--?

HELEN ( on machine ): Hey, Sandy, are you there? It's Helen.

I'm waiting at the restaurant. Look, H-Helen, I'm here.

Are you sure he said I should meet him here? Hello?

Uh... ( dial tone )

Helen, I'm here. Hel--

Joey Bear, I'm beginning to feel like a neglected wife.

All right, Sandy, I am going to say this to you

as kindly as I possibly can.

You are the sickest, most deeply disturbed person

I have ever met, and I never wanna see you again

as long as I live. Wait, Joe.

I know you're angry, and you have every right to be.

I spent too much money in Paris, didn't I?

Yeah, that was it.

Au revoir, ma petite wacko.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

All right, Roy, you, uh-- You know the plan, right?

Yeah, yeah, when Cochran comes over,

I-- I squirt you with my fountain pen,

ruining the suit forever.

Right, exactly.

Oh, hi, Antonio.

Heh. My, don't you look dashing.

( Fay chuckles ) Yeah, Fay, I-I love it.

I just love it.

FAY: Oh...! ROY: Whoops, oh.

Oops, clumsy me. Whoops. Whoops.

Oh, look what you've done.

This perfectly beautiful suit's totally ruined.

Oh, nonsense.

That's the beauty of a poly-Orlon.

Heh! Nothing sticks to it.

You'll have those clothes for the rest of your life.

What do you want me to hit you with tomorrow?

How about a bullet?

Ah, come on. Give it a rest, Joe.

I'm not buyin' it.

Brian, I know it sounds crazy,

but we did the hokey-pokey.

Okay. Y-you're trying to get back at us

for what we did yesterday.

In the future, if you're gonna pull a practical joke,

you need to be a little bit more convincing.

Uh, no. Oh, no, okay. This is not gonna happen again.

Now, Sandy, I want you

to tell them everything that happened.

I want you to tell 'em about the wedding

and about how we went to Hawaii and gay Paris.

Huh?

Oh, okay, I get it.

Yes, we went to Hawaii, Paris and Japan.

She's lying. We came right back after Paris.

You are not leaving this island until you tell the truth.

Joe, stop it. It's not funny anymore.

Bye, Sandy. It was good to see you.

You too. Bye, Sandy.

Oh, you're my sister-in-law now.

Welcome to the family. ( chuckles )

Bye-bye.

Bye, Joe.

Next year: Joe Junior.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

LOWELL: Oh, baby.

Oh, baby.

Oh, baby!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, baby.

Oh, my God. I don't believe this.

What the hell is goin' on in there, Chappel?

Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh!

( gasps )

Oh, that was one fine pot roast.