Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( chatter, plane flying overhead )

Hey, zippy. You in charge here?

What the hell are you?

We're the Three Wise Men. Who do you think we are?

I don't know.

For a minute I thought maybe the Jacksons got back together.

( chuckles mockingly )

Look, pally, we just finished a Christmas pageant.

We've got to get back to Brooklyn.

So I need three tickets on your next flight to LaGuardia.

Oh. No, sorry.

That flight's booked solid.

No, no, see, you're not following me here, cupcake.

We're tired, we're hungry,

Benny's costume's starting to reek.

You're no bottle of rose water yourself.

But like I said: we're booked.

All right, look, maybe we got off on the wrong foot, right?

That happens.

So I'll tell you what, twinkle toes, perhaps you could

recheck your, uh, reservations,

see if maybe three of

your passengers might have booked the wrong flight?

You know what I'm saying.

Now, just hold on here.

Are you actually offering me a $20 bribe

to screw three people out of getting home for the holidays?

Ho-ho. You know, for a wise man, you're not very wise.

( sighs )

Getting wiser.

Wiser.

Cupcake, you're a genius.

Okay.

( lively theme playing )

( plane flying overhead )

Well...that's it. My last flight.

Our Christmas has officially started.

I'm so excited.

This is our first Christmas since we got engaged.

We're gonna roast chestnuts...

Mm, and make love by the fire...

We're gonna hang stockings...

And make love by the fire.

We're gonna open presents.

And two of those presents are gonna help us

make love by the fire.

Let's go.

Hi, Fay. Hi, Fay.

Y-you two aren't leaving now.

You'll miss my Christmas party.

Oh, well, Fay, uh, you know how much

we do love your Christmas party,

but Joe and I have to go home and, um...

Uh...

stuff the turkey.

Uh, but-- But I've been planning this all week.

I-I even made my lemon bars that everyone loves so much.

( both laugh )

She made her lemon bars that everybody loves so much.

How do you say no to those lemon bars?

You don't.

Hey, Joe.

Uh, listen, do you mind if I take off early for,

you know, Christmas?

Well, eh, hey, Lowell, it's fine with me but--

No, you can't.

You'll miss my party.

I made my lemon bars.

God, why?

Uh-- I mean, uh-- Heh. Oh, my.

Uh, look, Fay, you're not gonna

schiz out about this party

like you did last year, are you?

Yes, you know, it's not gonna be much of a holiday

if we have to sedate you again.

I'm trying to bring a little Christmas cheer

to those closest and dearest to me.

Is that schizing out?

Well, I-I just need ten minutes to get ready.

I think this is gonna be the best party ever.

Merry Christmas, Brian.

( mockingly ): Merry Christmas, Brian. Merry Christmas, Brian.

Why does everybody keep saying that?

It's just one day.

God was born. Move on. You know?

Come on, Brian, we know that you're upset

because you have to spend the holidays alone.

But don't take it out on us.

Yeah, that's right. And, you know, by the way, we are

not amused by where you moved the carrot on our snowman.

That was supposed to be his nose.

Well, if you thought you were depressed before, get this.

We got to stay here for Fay's Christmas party.

And she made her lemon bars.

Ah. Good timing.

Just finished burping up the ones from last year.

Hey, uh, Joey, Helen,

you know what would

make me feel... really great?

( plane flying overhead )

Is if I had someone to spend Christmas with.

Oh, honey. Why didn't you say so before?

Roy, Brian wants to spend Christmas with you.

ROY: Tough.

I got big plans.

I'm taking Mom to St. Louis to the Bowling Hall of Fame.

I just hope four days is enough.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

ALL: Merry Christmas.

Hey, Antonio, Antonio.

Uh, you don't have any sort of life.

You want to...

Want to spend Christmas together?

Oh, sorry, pal. No. Not this year.

This year I'm spending Christmas

with my new girlfriend, Phoebe.

Oh. Wait a minute. You have a girlfriend?

Yes, I have a girlfriend.

Put your eyes back in their sockets.

What am I? The village eunuch?

No, not this year. Brian is.

( Antonio laughs )

Well, I just wanted to stop by

and wish everybody...

Merry Christmas

And, uh-- I'm meeting Phoebe in an hour,

and, uh, we're going to have sex,

if you know what I mean.

Hi.

I'll have my usual, please:

black coffee and a jelly doughnut.

Oh. I'm sorry. I'm out of the jelly doughnuts.

But you know I have one every afternoon.

Every afternoon at exactly this time,

I come down and say,

"Hi. I'll have my usual, please:

black coffee and a jelly doughnut."

I'm sorry. I sold the last one to him.

I'm starving.

I've been having a lot of sex.

But how-- How could you do this to me?

Didn't you tell him, "Hey, wait a minute.

You can't have that doughnut. That's Bob's doughnut."

Um, n-no, I didn't say that.

But I tell you what: why don't I get a plain doughnut

and put some jelly on it,

and we can call that Bob's doughnut.

Are you mocking me?

Uh, no, I'm just trying to help.

I'll tell you what: I'll go check in the kitchen.

Maybe there's a jelly doughnut I forgot about.

Really? Hey, that would be great.

And remember, if there is, and somebody else wants it,

you just say, "No. That's Bob's doughnut,"

and send it on up.

You bet I will.

Whoa. What a nut case.

Who is that guy?

He's the air-traffic controller.

Well, wh--? What happened to Walter?

Walter's recovering from eye surgery.

It's so comforting to know that the guy landing our planes

had double vision.

Well, couldn't find a jelly doughnut.

But I found a chocolate one.

Who knows? Maybe this could be Bob's doughnut.

( chuckles )

Well, I'm going upstairs anyway.

I'll take it up to him.

HELEN: Thanks.

Hey, look at this. I got a Christmas card from Gail.

Well-- Sent myself a Christmas card this year.

Didn't get it.

How pathetic is that?

So, um, that's a Christmas card from Gail.

As in your ex-girlfriend, Gail?

Yeah, you want to read it?

Oh, no, I don't need to read it.

I'm not insec-- Okay, I'll read it.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

"Happy holidays. Thinking of you. Love, Gail."

Okay, what is this?

Oh, come on, Helen. It's no big deal.

It's just a Christmas card.

Oh, you poor naive man.

Let me translate.

"Happy holidays. Thinking of you. Love, Gail,"

means, "Dump the blonde, I want you back."

Look, y-y-you are 100 percent wrong.

She-- I never even would have gotten this card

if I hadn't sent her one first.

You sent...her one first?

So, um...

what are we doing for Christmas?

Helen...

Oh, thank God you're here.

You have to fly me to Boston.

Ha. You know, the beauty of living in a democracy is,

I really don't. Oh.

We-- Yes, you do.

I'm on my way to this very exclusive Christmas party.

Oh, really? How did you get invited?

Well, I happen to know a lot of very important people.

My former cleaning lady works for the Kennedys, and she says

if I get there by 9,

she can sneak me through the doggy door.

You know something?

That-- That's the most desperate and pathetic thing

I have ever heard.

Except for this: please let me crawl along as your date.

Okay. Okay, but after we slip out of the dumb waiter

and into the party, don't do anything to embarrass me.

( plane flying overhead )

Excuse me...

Okay, okay, okay, okay, I'm being silly.

I don't want to do anything to mess up our Christmas.

( quietly ): Excuse me.

( cocks, gunshot )

( crowd screaming )

You all know Bob.

The man who's pointing his gun in my back.

Apparently, Bob...

not a chocolate lover.

Okay.

Now, nobody moves,

or the guy who ate Bob's doughnut gets it.

( lively theme playing )

Bob.

Bob, don't-- Don't do anything crazy.

Now, put-- Put-- Put the gun down.

Please don't kill me.

For the first time in my life,

uh, I actually have something to live for.

Shut up.

Okay.

Now, nobody comes near me, or...

I shoot him!

And nobody leaves the building, or I shoot him.

And, uh, nobody comes in or--

Yes. We know. You'll shoot him.

We're not idiots.

Bob. Bob, come on, w-- Why are you doing this?

What do you want?

I want my jelly doughnut.

We don't make deals!

Oh, uh-- Uh, ex-- Excuse me.

I-I know you just said you wanted a doughnut,

but I'd be happy to give you one of my lemon bars.

Fay, what are you trying to do?

Get us all killed?

What is going on?

He says we can't take off

because the dork in the control tower won't give us clearance.

Oh, I am now officially a dead man.

Hey, Bob, what the hell are you doing down here?

I have to take off. Chop-chop!

He has got a gun on Antonio.

He says he's gonna shoot him

if he doesn't get a jelly doughnut.

Well, that's a no-brainer.

Um, get him a doughnut.

Ahem. They don't have any jelly doughnuts

in this Mickey Mouse airport.

Hey, can you watch what you say

about this airport, mister!

Lowell, why don't you just take the gun and shoot me yourself?

You know...

I don't ask for much.

He really doesn't ask for much.

My life is crap.

Total crap.

I can't hold a job.

My marriage is falling apart.

And the only thing that I have to look forward to

in my crummy little existence

is my daily jelly doughnut.

Just one doughnut.

So you'd better get one and send it up quick.

Quick like a bunny.

And remember that I can see everything from that tower.

So if you are thinking of sneaking out...

or calling the cops...don't.

Or I can guarantee you that your friend here

will not have a very merry Christmas.

( mellow theme playing )

Come on. Quick.

Come on. Come in here.

Shut the door.

HELEN: Gosh. I don't believe this.

What are we gonna do?

Oh. Poor Antonio.

Are you sure you don't have another doughnut?

Uh, I'm gonna go ahead and say this one more time:

I don't have a jelly doughnut.

Okay. I called the cops.

What? Are you crazy? He told us not to.

( mockingly ): He told us not to. He told us not to.

Okay, that's good.

The police will be here any second.

Oh...not exactly.

What do you mean?

Well, I could only reach Claudia at the switchboard.

Everybody else is out at a Christmas party.

So she's rounding 'em up.

It's gonna take a little while. Oh.

Oh, great.

Right now, Mom is sitting outside that home

in a lawn chair with her ball and her shoes.

If I don't get there soon, she'll just start bowling.

Oh, my God.

What?

I just realized I don't have enough lemon bars

for the police.

It's all right, Fay.

They already have their own weapons.

Come on, don't pick on her.

Oh, listen, if it's anyone's fault, it's yours!

You're the one who sold Bob's doughnut.

HELEN: Do you believe that? Hey, Fay.

( all chattering )

People! Oh.

Let's can the chatter. We got a situation here.

( crash )

You broke my clock. Gail gave me that clo--

Joe, Antonio's life is hanging in the balance,

and you're worried about a clock?

If you weren't my boss, I'd spank you.

All right.

These are the blueprints for the airport.

Now, the tower is here.

We're over here.

Now, I'm gonna throw a grappling hook up here,

so I can drop down on him here.

( sighs )

Mather, you boob, those plans are upside down.

Okay, everything I just said...

flip it.

Okay.

Now then, here's your assignments.

Fay, call Bob's wife. There's the phone number.

Helen. Cookbook.

Jelly doughnut recipe, page 79. Make one.

Joe, make some coffee. It's gonna be a long night.

Brian, change that sweater. It doesn't match the ensemble.

Roy...

you keep the passengers calm.

How?

Damn it, man! Use your imagination.

Tell 'em jokes. Play games.

Break 'em up into guys and girls

and sing "Summer Lovin'" from Grease.

Casey...

just in case I don't make it back...

( mellow theme playing )

What, are you nervous?

'Cause, I mean, you are sweating a lot.

Of course I'm nervous. You're pointing a gun at me.

Yeah, but, I mean, that's not just regular sweating.

What you've got there is problem perspiration.

Wh-- What am I supposed to do?

Stop it.

It's not so easy--

Stop it. I can't.

Your perspiring makes me nervous.

When I'm nervous my hand shakes.

I can't stop perspiring, because when your hand shakes,

it makes me nervous!

You just stop sweating!

You stop shaking!

All right!

Okay. All right!

I hate that we're fighting.

You know, my-- My wife and I fight all the time.

All couples fight.

Yeah, but we're-- We're drifting apart.

All couples drift.

She's having an affair.

Nice shoes.

Really? You like 'em?

I got these when I lived in Chicago.

I used to work at O'Hare,

the busiest airport in the world.

The big time. The show.

Why did you leave?

Yeah, my boss said that

I couldn't handle the pressure anymore.

That I was unstable.

Can you imagine that?

Me, unstable.

Look, Bob, I-I-I know things may seem bad now,

but one way to look at it is, when things can't get any worse

they can only get better.

You think?

Oh, sure.

Wow. I like that.

You know, maybe I have been overreacting a little bit.

I mean, after all, it's just a doughnut.

That's all. It's just a doughnut.

Oh, my God!

W-- What's wrong?

Oh, it's-- It's-- It's no big deal.

There's a scratch on your shoe.

Damn.

Just when things were going so well.

Yeah, you know, they are scratched.

But I'm not gonna let it spoil my mood.

I think I've turned a corner here.

Things are looking up.

( yells )

You know...

you're gonna have to calm down, Antonio.

I used to be nervous like you.

( knocking )

Who is it?!

BRIAN: The jelly doughnut is ready.

Bob's jelly doughnut.

You see that?

Things are looking up.

Come on, buddy. Let's eat.

( plane flying overhead )

( quiet chatter )

Okay. They're coming down.

All right. Helen, come on.

Where are you with that doughnut?

They're coming down.

Okay. Here it is.

I'm Phoebe.

Someone just called me and told me

to get down here right away.

Wh-- Uh, Phoebe, Antonio's girlfriend?

How do you know that?

Look, someone named Fay said it was an emergency.

Fay, why did you call Antonio's girlfriend?

I didn't!

I called Bob's wife!

Here we come.

We're coming for Bob's doughnut.

BOTH: Phoebe.

BOTH: Hey. How do you know Phoebe?

( lively theme playing )

I had no idea Phoebe was your wife.

I swear. I--

I didn't even know she was married.

He's right, Bob.

I didn't tell him.

Believe me...

if I had known, I-I never would have gone near her.

Not that she isn't a lovely girl--

You really are one lucky guy.

Oh, yeah.

My wife is making it with a cabdriver.

How lucky can you get?

Hey. I only did it because he paid attention to me.

And he was a good lover too.

She's lying! She's lying.

I'm, uh-- I'm-- I'm clumsy, I'm inexperienced.

I-I don't even know where everything is.

Okay, that's it!

I'm through talking now!

No, no! Bob, Bob, Bob, come on.

Don't do anything crazy.

I am not going to do anything crazy.

I'm simply going to shoot the guy

who's been sleeping with my wife.

Oh, oh, okay. Okay.

Bob, uh, you need to relax.

Uh, I know why you're upset.

You haven't had your delicious, homemade jelly doughnut.

Let me get it.

What?

That was Bob's doughnut.

Well, how was I supposed to know?

I didn't see his freakin' name on it.

This is just great!

My day started out lousy!

It's gonna end lousy, just like my whole life!

You. You said it couldn't get any worse.

You lied.

Things are very worse,

but not as bad as they're gonna be for you!

Bob, Bob, lis-- Listen--

Listen, Bob. Come on, it's Christmas.

We're all under a lot of stress. Yeah.

You are not the only one in the world with problems.

We all have problems.

Yeah? Not like me, buddy. Nobody's got problems like me.

Oh, Bob, don't give me that!

Look at her!

For years, she's been throwing this miserable Christmas party.

And she serves these disgusting lemon bars.

And the-- The worst part of it is,

she actually believes that we like them.

What planet is she from?

And-- And-- And what--? What about this guy here? Huh?

He is so alone he's sending himself Christmas cards.

Pfft. Eh, depressing?

Eh. We're thinking of taking away his belt and his shoelaces.

And-- And what about--? What about him? What about him?

A middle-aged man who's gonna spend Christmas

at the Bowling Hall of Fame with his mother.

You don't even want to look under that rock.

And that-- That brings us to this lovely lady right here.

A woman with no job, no husband.

She's all dressed up to fly off to Boston, so some cleaning lady

can sneak her into a party through the doggy door.

What is that? What is that?

And th-- That leads us to the sister, my fiancée,

a woman so insecure and neurotic,

that she is willing to ruin

our first Christmas together because I got a lousy

Christmas card from my ex-girlfriend.

That's normal. Uh-huh.

So, Bob, what I'm trying to say is, you know,

y-your life really, really isn't that bad.

( stammers )

You want to know the truth?

You got more going for you than all of them.

So-- Come on, what do you say?

Now, give me the gun.

PHOEBE: Please, Bob.

Give him the gun.

( sighs )

( exhales )

JOE: Okay.

Hey. Wh-- What are you looking at me like that for?

I got the gun!

I got the gun!

Freeze, police!

Freeze!

JOE: Uh. Hey, hey, hey.

( stammers )

No, no, no. Uh, come on, everyone,

tell 'em I'm not the guy.

Hey. Hey, hey. Um, come on.

Please, come on.

Tell 'em.

( instrumental "Jingle Bells" playing over radio )