Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, Hackett, there's a rumor going around

that you are leasing a second plane.

Yeah, that's right Roy.

We're expanding our operation. What's wrong?

You afraid of a little friendly competition, huh?

Let me tell you something, Sparky,

there is no such thing as friendly competition.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can't scare us, Roy.

BRIAN: Oh, man. What--?

What does he think he's gonna do, huh?

Your attention.

Aeromass is pleased to announce

its new Economy fare to Boston: only 39.95.

Announcing Sandpiper Air's new Super Saver fare to Boston:

a low 29.95.

Aeromass to Boston: only 19.95.

Sandpiper: 9.95.

Aeromass: 9.95

and your companion flies free.

Sandpiper: everybody flies free!

Wow.

Hey, I don't know what you're doing, Brian,

but whatever it is, keep it up.

( upbeat theme playing )

Casey, what's wrong?

Oh, my whole body hurts.

I went to the gym for the first time in months.

I guess I overdid it a little on the free-weights.

Oh. Well, you know, in my day women didn't go to the gym.

We didn't have weights. We didn't have aerobics.

Well, how'd you stay in shape?

Did you ever try to stuff your rear end

into a Platex Living Girdle?

Now that was a workout.

Aeromass Flight 33 to Hyannis

is now ready for boarding.

And don't forget your complimentary Waterpik.

( sighs )

He's killing us with these promotions.

You know, I can't believe that anyone would actually fly

Aeromass to get a free Waterpik.

Well, obviously you've never known

the heartbreak of gingivitis.

You know, Joe...

it's a little awkward,

you know, working for you and Roy

when you guys are in the middle of this feud.

I just want you to know where my loyalties lie.

Thanks, Lowell. I appreciate it.

So you giving away any good free stuff?

No. See ya.

You know, Roy, it's always a little awkward

working for you--

Have another Waterpik.

A little quiet over here Hackett.

Who died? Heh-heh.

Oh, that's right. Your business.

Look, for your information, Roy,

Sandpiper customers are loyal customers.

They're not gonna be driven away,

no matter how many stupid little gifts you give them.

Announcing the arrival

of Sandpiper Flight 2 from Boston.

Tha-- That's Flight 2?

Whe-- Where are all the passengers?

Arriving on Aeromass

with their free point-and-shoot cameras.

( chuckles )

Uh, we have to talk.

You're right. Brian, round up all the Sandpiper employees.

Sure thing. Come on, Fay, let's go.

I've given it a lot of thought

and I think I've come up with a plan.

Now, just wait a second, Brian.

I've been thinking a lot about this too.

Here's how I see it.

The situation is this:

Roy has more capital than we do so he can undercut our prices.

Is everybody with me so far?

Gotcha. All right.

The result of this is that more people are flying

on his airline than are flying on our airline.

Which means that very shortly we will go out of business.

Yeah? And?

Uh, that's it.

I just thought a little recap might help.

Well, now that we're up to speed,

would you like to hear a real solution?

I'm sorry I'm late.

I heard there was a meeting.

Yeah, I-I'm sorry, Helen.

Uh, we're sort of in the middle of, uh, Sandpiper business.

Uh-huh. What's our plan?

"Our plan?"

Well, yes, I'm gonna marry Joe,

so, you know, I'd naturally have an interest

in the future of the airline. Yes. Yeah, I know you do--

She doesn't want to get involved.

She just wants to listen in.

Oh, okay. Well, that's what they said about Yoko Ono.

So how are we gonna beat Roy?

Uh, I have a plan.

Sweetie, didn't you have an idea?

What, to put you on our next album?

( whispering indistinctly ) Oh! All right, all right, yeah.

Um, well, you know that we should, uh, not compete with Roy

and his frills and just concentrate on being who we are.

Get back to basics.

Oh, back to basics! I like that.

Well, I hate to break it to you,

but we never left basics.

Basically, we're a bus with wings.

Well, do you have a better suggestion?

( British accent ): As a matter of fact, I do, love.

( normal voice ): One way to get an edge,

To really get an edge over Aeromass

is to have a distinctive personality.

And how do we get that distinctive personality?

With a celebrity spokesperson.

I have a cousin who says she knows Emmanuel Lewis.

Really?

No, I was thinking of someone who is, you know,

synonymous with flight,

like, say, oh, a former astronaut.

Perhaps Charles "Ace" Galvin?

Oh, dear. That's a great idea.

Yeah-- But why stop there?

I mean, while we're at it, why don't we get

the queen of England or-- Or the pope?

( whispers indistinctly )

Or Mother Teresa?

I'm serious about this, Joe. I really am.

I've already made inquiries, and it turns out that "Ace"

is available for endorsements.

All we have to do is pay his expenses,

and he'll come look us over.

No-- R-really? Yes!

Y-you're not kidding me?

I mean, "Ace" Galvin? Oh, come on.

JOE: That would be amazin-- He--

He's one of the reasons I got into flying.

The guy's a national hero.

( whispers indistinctly )

Uh, but is he, um, necessarily the person that we want?

You're right.

I mean, who in their right mind

would want an American legend endorsing their airline?

( whispers indistinctly )

Oh, would you stop that? That's so annoying.

Okay, fine, I'll just say it.

I mean, do you really want to risk every cent you have

on some celebrity?

He's-- He's not just a celebrity, Helen.

This-- The man has walked on the moon.

He is an institution.

His face is on a box of cereal.

Ooh, I love that cereal!

It's got wheat on one side, corn on the other,

it's crispy, it never gets soggy.

Joe, Joe...

Listen, when we became partners, okay?

We always said that we would decide everything together.

Right? We wouldn't-- We wouldn't make a move

unless we were both on board, we would always agree.

So if you don't think this is a good idea,

I'll drop it right now.

You already called him, didn't you?

He's right outside, man.

Everybody,

I'd like to introduce

Lieutenant Colonel Charles Galvin.

Just call me Ace.

We get to call him Ace. ( giggles nervously )

( upbeat theme playing )

Colonel, this is my brother, Joe Hackett.

Hello.

Very nice to meet you...Ace.

( chuckles )

Oh, uh, and this is, uh, my fiancée, Helen Chappel.

This is a pleasure.

Oh, no, the pleasure is mine.

Okay, enough chitchat.

We're gonna need an out clause if business

does not increase 10 percent in the next six months.

Control your woman. Yeah. Uh...

Ace, heh,

I-I'll never forget what you said when you first walked

on the moon:

"It's one small step for man..."

I think you have me mixed up with Neil Armstrong.

Oh.

Which one are you again?

Uh, Ace, why don't you, uh, come right this way,

we'll-- We'll show you around.

Hey, Antonio, what are you reading?

Ah, it's this fascinating article called,

"How to Tell if a Woman's Flirting."

I-it's about the little ways they use body language,

you know, t-to show if they're interested in you.

Look at this, see?

They touch their necks, t-they lick their lips.

You know, hm?

T-they cock their heads invitingly,

and-- And if they really like you,

they-- They arch their backs to--

To accentuate their, you know, breasts.

Oh, my God. Huh?

My cousin Bevo has been coming on to me.

Hi, Casey.

Oh, hi, Antonio.

H-how are you today?

Oh, ah! I should be in bed.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Oh, ho-ho-ho. See ya.

Ooh. What a little tease.

Well, Ace, that is, uh, pretty much the whole operation.

I guess it seems pretty small to you, huh?

No, not at all.

That's a damn fine twin engine you've got out there.

You should be damn proud.

Ah, we are proud. Damn proud.

Hey-- Hey, wait a minute.

You are Charles Galvin, aren't you?

Just call me Ace.

Ho-ho, I'm Roy Biggins.

Mind if I call you Big? ( laughing )

Oh, sir! This is an honor.

What brings you to Nantucket?

Uh, well, the boys here.

He's going to endorse Sandpiper.

You're kidding.

That's right.

And, uh, when he does,

you can kiss your Aeromass goodbye.

Aeromass, eh?

So you're the guy giving away the free Waterpiks.

Yeah.

Let me tell you something, pal.

Gimmicks are no substitute for good old-fashioned

American service like you get here at Sandpiper.

How'd you like a point-and-shoot camera?

Love one.

Wow, Ace Galvin.

I-I never thought I'd be standing here

shaking your hand, sir.

My pleasure, son.

I-- I never thought I'd be standing here, hearing you say,

"My pleasure, son."

That's quite all right.

I-I never thought I'd be standing here...

Lowell, Lowell.

Uh, Ace this is Lowell, our chief mechanic.

You remind me of Buzz.

Right. Buzz Aldrin.

No, Buzz Thompson.

He lost oxygen during training.

Spent the rest of his time

playing Ping-Pong with the chimps.

I like monkeys. ( chuckles )

Uh-huh.

Well, boys, what do you say

we take that plane of yours up and see what she'll do?

Really?

I-I mean, you know, you're one

of the most famous pilots in the world.

You can fly anything you want.

Oh, not since I lost my license.

See, I kind of borrowed a Tomcat.

And then I misjudged my landing and wound up setting her down

in Dollywood.

The moral is: never let a hooker be your navigator.

Can I quote ya?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Look down here over to your left,

you'll see the, uh, Great Point Lighthouse.

It was built in 1785.

Came down in a storm, they had to rebuild it.

Yeah, this all must seem pretty dull

compared to outer space, huh?

What, are you kidding?

Space was duller than him.

We had to find ways to liven it up.

Really? Like what?

Well, one time I filled a condom with Tang.

Shot it out the air lock.

( laughing ): That's-- That's cool.

Yeah, what a guy.

But you know what the most fun was?

When the mission commander was trying a docking maneuver,

I'd sneak up behind him and do this:

( gibbering ) Ah! Ah.

( laughs )

( laughing ): That's excellent!

Well, uh, Ace, I guess

what most people remember though is

when you landed on the moon and you knelt down

and prayed for peace in our galaxy.

Actually, I was putting down fake dog poop

for when the Russkies showed up.

( laughing ): That's outstanding!

( laughing )

Come on, grandma, you fly this thing

like we've got speed bumps up here.

How 'bout, um, I give it a shot?

Uh, I want to sit up front with Ace.

Now, Lowell-- Lowell.

ACE: Come on, let the kid sit with the big guy.

Thanks, Ace.

So, uh, Ace, uh--

( stammers )

Joe and I, uh, just want to say that it would be a--

A real honor, not to mention a lifesaver,

if you would agree to endorse Sandpiper.

Well, I don't just lend my name to, uh, anything.

The name Ace Galvin is synonymous with class.

Hey, that cloud looks like a giant boob.

A big boob!

( Ace laughs ) Uh...

Uh, Ace, you've got a-- A 707 right up there.

Listen, kid, I've got to tell you that you have not lived

till you've partied in space.

Uh, A-Ace, looks we're right in his flight path.

Most of my third mission I had a hangover.

Yeah, A-Ace, we're right in his flight path.

And on my fourth mission we made freeze-dried margaritas

that taste like crap, but it gets you there.

( laughing ) BOTH: Ace!

( 707 roars past )

You guys never would have made it through our training program.

Want to see what I used to do to jumpy recruits?

No. No! Yeah!

Hold on, girls.

( all scream ) LOWELL: Outstanding!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

You guys look terrible. Are you okay?

Oh, well, I was fine till my stomach came out of my nose.

Ace Galvin is a maniac.

Not only did he almost kill us,

he is the most obnoxious man I have ever met!

So, Brian, what happened to your great big hero?

I threw it up right after I ate it.

( laughing )

( muffled ): Mm. That was great, Ace.

You know, I always wondered what blacking out felt like.

( laughs )

I got to tell you guys, that was a rush.

And I have decided to endorse your airline.

So why don't you just draw up a little agreement

and bring it over to the hotel tonight.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I gotta go and jettison some excess fuel.

Okay, so you've had your fun with your little astronaut.

Let's get down to business.

I don't think you want a jerk like that as your spokesman.

I know Ace is a little spirited--

What? "A little spirited"?

He flew alongside a 747 so Lowell

could moon the people in first class.

No, Helen, you are absolutely right.

Look, I-I don't want him representing my airline.

Make him go home.

Excuse me, you're-- You're Ace Galvin, aren't you?

Wow, Sean, this is one of America's great space heroes.

Well, thank you, sir. I appreciate that.

It means a lot to me.

Because you know, son,

pride is what the space program's all about.

Really.

There's pride in the job we do.

Pride in being part of the team.

And it's exactly that kind of teamwork that I see every day

among the men...

and women...

right here at Sandpiper Air.

Believe me,

that is a team...

that I am proud to be a small part of.

( indistinct chatter )

See you at the hotel, boys.

We'll be there, good buddy.

( upbeat theme playing )

Brian, I really had my doubts about Ace,

but when I saw the way he charmed those people

this afternoon, I've got to tell you

I'm-- I'm sold.

What did I tell ya?

He's just the image Sandpiper needs.

( door opens )

( rock music playing over speakers )

( indistinct chatter )

What the hell is all this?

JOE: Do you realize we're paying for this?

Oh, come on. It's just-- Just a little party.

Champagne? I'm not paying for that.

Holes in the wall? I'm not paying for that.

ACE: Yeah. Yeah, yes, I know it's 8.50 a minute,

but I wanna talk to a redhead!

JOE: Believe me,

I-I'm sure as hell not paying for that.

Hey, trust me, Joe, this is worth 8.50.

Look, uh, Ace, we've got to talk.

Please, just call me Ace.

W-what the hell's with the holes in the wall?

It's gonna cost me a fortune.

Oh, simmer down, Lucille.

I'm just trying to teach my pal here

how to play dry-wall roulette.

Oh, it's great.

Yeah, you just run at the wall

and smash into it with your head.

Right. You know you really only have a one in six chance

of actually hitting a stud.

Hence, you know-- H-hence, the name "roulette."

But if you hit a stud, couldn't it kill you?

Hey, it's like Ace says, "You got to live fast,

die young and leave a flat-headed corpse."

Yeah! All right, Sparky,

you ready to play again?

Hey, I am. Let's do it.

Hey, anything to take my mind off this headache.

Wait, uh, guys--

Ready?

Guys, don't-- Don't--

Blast...off! Off!

JOE: Aw, come on, guys--

He's a maniac!

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, relax, relax.

No, he is a big, crude, horrible man, and I hate him.

But the public loves him, and that's what counts.

Listen, as soon as we get the signature on this contract,

it'll all be worth it. ACE: Ladies!

Do you want to see my moon rocks?

Ah, Ace, Ace!

Say, uh, listen,

I-I know you're busy and, uh, you're probably going off

to do something that I don't want to know about,

but, uh, listen,

if you could you just put your signature down

on this contract, we'll-- We'll be out of your way.

Oh, boys. No can do.

This is a conflict of interest.

With-- With what?

ROY: Hey, hey, guys. Heh-heh.

Roy, what--? What are you doing here?

Oh, I just came by to hoist a few

with the new spokesman for Aeromass Airlines.

What? What?!

Wait a-- What happened to, uh--?

To all that stuff about pride and teamwork?

All that other stuff?

Well, I'm sorry, boys, but I got to thinking

about it, and I realized that Aeromass

could give me something that you couldn't.

What? Twice the money.

And, uh, a slightly used Lexus.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

there's a young lady in the other room

who insists that I need a severe spanking.

( chuckles )

So, uh, Aeromass will get bigger, and, uh,

we'll just go out of business.

Nothing to get sore about, it's just money.

Yeah, right. ( exhales )

It's only money.

You ready?

JOE: Yeah, I'm ready.

BOTH: Blast off!

( crash )

( all cheer )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( aircraft roaring in distance )

Hi, Casey.

Oh, hi, Antonio.

Um, Antonio...

Hm?

( laughs )

Okay, baby.

Why don't we stop playing games.

I think we both know what's going on here.

What?

I read you loud and clear.

Antonio?

What?

Huh?

You've got a big gob

of cream cheese on your lip.

Don't you think I know that?

Attention, please.

Aeromass, the airline of astronauts,

proudly announces Flight 26 to Boston.

As Ace Galvin always says...

ACE ( recording ): Fly Aeromass!

They're my kind of folks.

Man, I can't believe we spent all that money on Ace,

and he turned on us.

Well, you're just lucky that I'm not the kind of person

that would rub your nose in it.

Though I told you not to get involved with that jerk.

What the hell were you thinking?

Did everybody see my ad in The Boston Globe?

This ad is running in all the papers on the East Coast.

( Roy laughs )

Uh, hey, Roy. ROY: Yeah?

You didn't happen to read

the front page of the paper, did you?

Ah, why read the front page?

My ad's on the back.

Oh, I thought this might interest you...

"Astronaut dampens White House ceremony.

"During a rose garden ceremony to commemorate

"a new postal stamp in his honor,

"former astronaut Charles Ace Galvin

"shocked the White House when he dropped his pants

"and proceeded to urinate on Socks,

"the first family's beloved pet.

"When taken away in a straitjacket

"by the Secret Service,

"Galvin's only comment was,

'Fly Aeromass, they're my kind of folks.'"

Blast off!

( thump )

Ooh!

Stud.

HELEN: Sandpiper commercial. Take three.

Action!

Hi. I'm Joe Hackett.

And I'm Brian Hackett.

We're not only the pilots for Sandpiper Air...

But we're also...

BOTH: ...the owners!

BOTH: Put yourselves in our hands.

Fly Sandpiper to Boston

this month and receive...

A free Sandpiper calendar.

Fly Sandpiper Air...

We'll get you there.