Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh, I can't believe it.

U-uh, okay. I'll get right back to you.

Whatever you do, do not sell that ticket.

Oh, Antonio. Antonio, I need $500 quick.

Barbra Streisand is giving a special concert in Boston

and I have a chance to get my hands on a ticket.

Well, sure, Fay.

I-I'd be glad to lend you $500,

if I hadn't foolishly squandered it on heat, rent

and Grandma's insulin shots.

Cochran, did I hear you right?

You were able to land a ticket

to that special Streisand concert?

Yes, but I only have a few minutes to get 500 bucks.

Oh, you know, I have worshipped Barbra from the beginning.

I got married to Funny Girl, divorced to The Way We Were,

and wrote my last alimony check to "Happy Days Are Here Again."

Oh, then you'll lend me the money for the ticket--

Oh, ho-ho, not on your life.

But here's what I will do:

I will pay for the ticket, and we can split that seat.

We'll take turns so we'll each see

a little part of the concert, huh?

FAY: Okay, it's a date.

( both laugh )

Great! Oh, I'm so excited.

Oh, I know. Isn't life funny?

You know, I've dreamed of this moment

but I never thought it would happen.

( Roy laughs )

Oh, it'll be pure magic.

( Roy laughs )

So, Roy,

got yourself a little snuggle bunny.

( upbeat theme playing )

HELEN: Hey.

Hey, Helen. Guess what. What?

I just got off the phone with Mom.

She's coming for the weekend.

M-Mom's coming here?

Your Mom is coming? That's great.

We haven't seen her in years.

M-Mom's coming here?

Deedee's coming? That's great.

Hey, Deedee Chappel.

Get ready to unzip your pants.

Hey.

Hey, watch your mouth, huh?

You're talking about somebody's mama.

No, no, no. Look, she used to make these huge dinners.

Everyone got so full, they had to undo their pants.

H-h-hey, remember those chocolate-chip pancakes

she used to make? Oh.

Remember 'em?

That's the dish they say killed Bob the mailman.

Mm.

I used to polish off three stacks of those babies

in one sitting.

Only three?

What were you doing, watching your figure?

So, uh, wh--? What are you saying?

I'm saying that I've eaten snacks bigger than you.

Ah. My mama also loved to cook, you know.

On Sundays, every Scarpacci in the village would--

Would gather at our table.

If I close my eyes I can still hear her say,

"Mangia, figlio mio. Eat."

And then I can hear my father say,

"Chew with your mouth shut,

you freeloading little hairy baboon."

Ah, God, I miss them.

Mom never comes here.

Oh. I know why she's coming.

For you. What?

Well, you broke up with Stuart,

so she's coming here to spend some time with you.

Oh, I don't think that's it. Why not?

Well, I haven't exactly told Mom about Stuart yet.

You haven't told her?

You've been separated for months.

Where does she think he's been all this time?

In the bathroom.

Every time she calls, I tell her he's in the bathroom.

For three months?

This is Stuart we're talking about.

It's not that hard to believe.

Yeah, well, I still bet she's coming here to see you.

Well, did it ever occur to you that maybe she's coming

because you're getting married.

You know, to help you plan your wedding?

You think that's why?

Well, of course.

Oh, that'd be great.

There's so much to plan. My gown, the caterer...

And don't forget the band, and the flowers--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm gonna stop this train before it leaves the station.

I'm not letting you three Chappel women get together

and talk me into spending thousands of dollars

on ridiculous stuff like Jim and Marsha did

at their wedding.

I thought you liked their wedding.

Oh, please.

The stupid champagne waterfall, the Gypsy violinists,

the bride and groom sculpted in shrimp. No.

No, no, no. There's no way that we're gonna waste our money

on stupid stuff like that. Well, you won't have to.

I think Mom's coming to give you the check.

Check? What check?

The wedding check.

When Stuart and I got married,

Mom and Dad gave us some money to help pay for it.

Yeah, well, look, that's all very nice,

but all we really want is a simple ceremony

followed by a nice, tasteful dinner

with a few of our close friends.

The check was for $10,000.

I'll call Jim and Marsha, see who their shrimp guy is.

( upbeat theme playing )

Come on, Cochran. Get the lead out.

I don't wanna be late for Streisand.

All right. Now here is my list

of all the songs that I want to hear

Barbra sing.

Are you nuts?

I didn't pay 500 bucks to hear

"You Don't Bring Me Flowers"

and a medley from the disco years.

Oh, a-all right. Then let's make it simple.

You take the seat for the first half of the concert.

Then at intermission, you come outside,

give me the ticket, and I'll watch the second half.

All right. Fair enough. Let's go.

Oh, Helen, look.

I want you take a look at this wedding brochure.

For only 500 bucks we can arrive at the ceremony

in a motorized Viking ship.

Joe, would you stop thinking about the money?

The important thing is, is my mama is coming here to see me.

Isn't she?

Yeah, of course she is.

Why is that so hard for you to believe?

Well, she's always had a special bond with Casey

that I never had.

Sometimes I'd be with them, and it was like I wasn't even there.

Wow! Synchronized omelet chefs.

Hey. Hey, Antonio.

Hey, what's with the tie?

Ah, you know. Want to look nice.

Helen's mama coming today.

Antonio, you don't even know her mother.

You're all dressed up.

Hey, a mama deserves respect.

Get a haircut.

Helen, is Mom here yet? No.

You're putting on your wedding ring?

Well, just because Stuart's in the bathroom

doesn't mean I can't wear his ring.

Oh, there are my girls!

Oh, come here you two.

( both exclaiming )

Oh, my.

Oh, you both look so gorgeous.

Oh, well, we take after you.

Ah, that's sweet.

Oh. I was gonna say that.

So how's Daddy? Oh, he's fine.

Oh, God. I was gonna ask that.

He's sorry he couldn't come, but his hernia popped again.

Oh, don't tell me that that handsome young man

is my future son-in-law.

Come here, Joe. Ha, ha, ha. Hi, Deedee.

Oh, now you forget Deedee.

It's Mom.

I'm so glad that you could make--

Say it.

What?

I wanna hear "Mom" come out of this adorable face.

( muffled ): Mom.

A-ha. Mwah.

Now, where's my other son-in-law?

Where's Stuart?

And don't tell me he's in the bathroom again.

Don't be silly, Mom.

Of course Stuart's not in the bathroom.

The truth is he's...

in France.

He's trying to open up the European market

for his business.

Europe doesn't have corn pads?

Not the good kind.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Uh-uh, I don't mean to intrude, but I--

I just wanted to welcome you to the island.

And to-- And--

Oh, Mama!

It's good to meet you.

( mouths ): Who is he?

Uh, Mama, this is Antonio.

Antonio, this is my mom. Ah.

S-such a pleasure to meet you, Mama Chappel.

Oh, yes.

I-I-I can see where your daughters get

their beauty and charm. Mm-hm.

Yes. The last time a guy laid a line like that on me,

he tried to sell me a timeshare.

Nice to meet you.

Well, Mama, you must be tired from your trip,

so why don't I take you home

and you can unpack your things

and then maybe we can talk about my wedding plans.

Yeah. I've got some brochures.

Oh, honey, there's plenty of time for all that.

First point me towards the market

'cause I wanna go food-shopping for tonight.

You just traveled 2,000 miles.

Are you sure you wanna cook?

Well, of course. Why would I travel all this way

and not cook for the kids?

Well, you-- You all enjoy yourselves

and have a lovely time.

I'll just be home heating up some frozen bagel pizzas.

Ah, not while Deedee Chappel's in town, you won't.

( sobbing ): Oh, Mama!

Oh, watch the hair, dear!

Well, we might as well get going, huh?

Joe, would you be a dear and get my bag for me?

Sure.

Oh, Casey, that is a gorgeous blouse.

Oh, thanks, Mom. And believe it or not,

I got it in a shop right here on Nantucket.

Oh, you're kidding. You'll have to show me.

Okay. Oh.

Actually, I-I can show you

because I-I showed her where the shop is.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

How many chicken wings have you eaten?

Twenty.

Twenty-two.

Got room for chicken and dumplings, huh?

Bring it on!

Just like Sunday dinner back home in Italy.

Who wants chitlins?

Antonio, you've been so good to help me all night long.

Now why don't you go sit down and eat?

I will sit and eat when Mama sits and eats.

Oh, ho. Mama's got work to do in the kitchen.

Then I will help you. Oh.

I've had migraines that were easier to get rid of.

Oh, boy, this dinner is incredible.

It's so great having your mom back.

It's just like old times. When do we get the check?

Joe, the check is not important.

That $10,000 only means

that I am as important to her as Casey.

We're back. Me and my shadow.

And this time we've got fritters.

Oh, God. Fritters.

You got a problem with that?

Mama, stop serving and sit down.

I wanna hear all your ideas about my wedding.

Oh, honey, we've got plenty of time for that.

Anybody try my butter beans?

You know, I only hope we can afford

to have a delicious dinner like this at our wedding.

Caterers are so expensive nowadays.

So I hear.

Hear what? Oh.

Uh, give me a little space will you, honey?

You know, we really haven't decided on a date yet.

But we're thinking about June.

Well, June's fine, dear. June's--

Oh! Uh-oh, uh-oh. I see two empty plates.

What do you think of June?

Well, June's fine, dear.

But the wedding isn't important.

It's how much you love each other.

Now you take Casey and Stuart.

Huh?!

Uh, still in France.

Well, I was talking about my wedding.

I know, dear. Excuse me, I forgot my biscuits and gravy.

I told you she didn't come here to see me.

She only cares about you and Stuart.

Yeah. By the way, when are you gonna tell her that Stuart left?

How can I? You see how she loves him.

She'll burst into tears.

You wanna see tears, you watch this face

when I don't get a full open bar.

Biscuits and gravy coming up.

( humming )

That's not the only thing coming up.

Um, Mama? Hm?

I'm so excited to hear all your plans about the wedding.

You know, m-my wedding.

My wedding to Joe.

Joe and Helen wedding.

We've got plenty of time for all of that.

Oh, Casey, did you ever pick out

that wallpaper for the dining room?

Oh, Stuart's looking for some in France.

You know, Mom, I'm getting married soon.

So do you have anything to tell me, or ask me, or--?

Give her?

Well, I was thinking of doing this later, but--

You know, when we were alone.

But, it's uh...

Here, it's not much.

Aah! Oh, my God. Look, everybody.

My mom gave me an envelope.

Oh, Mama, you don't know how special this makes me feel

that you'd come all the way down here-- H-Helen.

--to give me this check for-- Helen.

--$83.

( clinking ) Brava, Mama, brava!

Well, honey, I wanted it to be more.

It's just that I--

Well, I have to tell you something.

I-- I mean, I don't know really how to say this.

You see, when I left home this morning

I had $10,000 to give to you and Joe.

So, what happened to it?

Yes, well, see, I couldn't get a--

A direct flight to Boston,

so I had, like, this layover in Las Vegas.

You gambled away my wedding?

DEEDEE: I'm just so embarrassed about it all.

I mean, that's why I couldn't face you all night long.

I-- I just felt so stupid.

Can you ever forgive me?

Mom, it doesn't matter. It's only money.

Yeah. It's only Helen's money.

Of course, if it was Casey's money

for Casey's wedding,

well, then, that would matter.

She didn't do it on purpose.

It's easy for you to say.

She never would have gambled away your wedding.

You stop acting like a child.

Me? You're the one that won't tell her

your husband left you.

Casey, is that true?

Stuart's not in France.

Oh, honey, I'm here for you.

You tell Mama what happened.

Helen.

Helen.

( somber theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Wow, Roy!

That T-shirt is you.

Oh. So how was she?

Oh, she was amazing.

Oh-ho-ho. Perfection!

I bought every memento I could get my hands on.

The, uh, Barbra T-shirt and Barbra hat, of course.

( chuckles )

The Barbra coffee mug. Heh.

How did, uh--? How did Fay like it?

Uh, ahem. She-- She liked it fine.

Ooh, look, look: the Barbra notepad.

Roy Biggins.

There you are, Cochran. Heh-heh.

Boy, I tell you, I was really worried

when I couldn't find you last night.

I waited outside for you at intermission

but you never showed up.

So then I tried to get in to look for you.

Do you know what they do to people

who try to get into the concert without a ticket?

Calm down. Fay, Fay, I can explain everything.

They lock you in a little cement room under the stadium.

I spent six long hours in that room

with two Streisand impersonators

and a guy selling unlicensed Barbra press-on nails.

ROY: Fay, no! No, stop!

Fay, no! Oh, no! No, no, Fay!

Did you, uh, hear what happened to the Celtics last night?

Oh, yeah. They lost.

What was the score?

They lost by 20. ( whistles )

( Roy groaning )

Don't even ask where the notepad is.

Uh, I'm never gonna take another bite of food

as long as I live.

Why the hell did you stuff yourself like that?

Hey, Lowell threw down the gauntlet.

I just poured gravy on it and ate it.

( groans )

( grunts )

Say, Brian.

How you feeling this morning?

Uh...little hungry.

How about lunch?

I had lunch for breakfast.

Oh, no. Helen's not here.

I was hoping I could say goodbye.

Tsk. Boy, did I screw this trip up.

Oh, come on, Mom.

I'll go take care of your ticket, okay?

Thanks, honey.

Hi, boys.

I'm leaving a little earlier than I expected

and I've got something for you.

Here we are.

Some nice, big fudgey brownies.

Mm.

I'll miss you. Hm.

Oh, God.

What was that?

I said, "Oh, God."

I'm full.

There's no shame in that.

No, Mama. Please don't go.

Oh. Son, you've gotta get yourself a girl.

No kidding.

So you're leaving?

Yeah, I just... I don't know what else to do.

She won't return my calls,

so I think it's just best if I go.

I'm sorry about the wedding money, Joe.

Oh, hey. Don't-- Don't worry about it.

We don't need much. No champagne waterfall,

no Viking ship...

( sighs ): No nothing.

Here, Mom. You're all set.

Oh, thanks, honey. I love you.

I love you.

Oh, honey, listen to me.

Now, about Stuart.

You're gonna be just fine without him.

You just go back to doing what you did before you got married.

I lived with you and Daddy.

Oh. Well, don't listen to me.

What do I know? Heh.

How could you gamble away my wedding?

Oh, jeez. You scared the hell out of me.

I thought you were that Antonio person.

I deserve an answer.

Oh, honey. Don't you think it's killing me?

Your father and I saved for years to give you that money.

And it was a horrible, stupid mistake,

and I don't know to make it up to you,

but somehow I'll get you that money.

Mama, it's not about the money.

Then what?

Never mind.

You have a plane to catch.

Um, say hi to Dad and have a nice flight.

No, honey, forget about the flight.

Now, why don't we just go inside and sit down?

Everything will look better over a nice piece of pie, hm?

Is food your answer to everything?

No wonder I was such a fat little kid.

Oh, you weren't fat.

Oh, Mom, I was 4'6" and 130 pounds.

Daddy was only 140.

How could you let me get fat?

Why wouldn't you let Casey get fat?

Oh, honey, I don't know.

It was genetics, metabolism...

She said "no" once in a while.

Of course she did. She was perfect.

I didn't say that.

Well, you didn't have to.

It was obvious from the way you treated her.

You were always fussing over Casey.

Fixing her hair, working with her clothes.

Yeah, but she always liked those little girls' clothes.

You were my tomboy.

You were always outside with the boys, Brian and Joe,

playing ball and climbing in the trees.

I never saw you except for meals.

Maybe that's why I made such big ones.

So they'd last longer, hm?

Mm. You always have such a neat answer for everything.

Helen, what do you want from me?

I wanna know why you love Casey more than me.

Is that what you think?

Don't you?

Well, of course not.

I don't even know how you can say such a thing.

I love you both the same.

You didn't treat us the same.

Well, why would I?

Oh, you're different people.

Even when you were babies.

From day one, Casey needed me all the time.

She was always holding her little arms in the air,

wanting to be picked up.

You were my independent kid.

( chuckles )

I think your first words were "back off."

And it didn't matter what you were doing.

If I wanted to help you, you'd just push me away.

M-Maybe you should have tried a little harder.

Maybe I should have.

My God, Helen. Look how angry you are.

I never realized that I was such a bad mother.

Oh, I didn't say that, Mama.

Just this is the first time in five years

you've been to Nantucket.

You always go visit Casey. Why is that?

Well, because Casey invites me.

You're my mother. You're-- You're always invited here.

Oh, am I? I-- I wasn't sure.

Sometimes a person needs to be asked.

Um, if I invited you now, would you stay?

I might.

Uh, you are gonna ask me, aren't you?

( chuckling ) Oh-oh-oh, ho-ho.

Oh, honey, honey, honey.

Hm.

Come on.

My first words were really "back off"?

Well, I think they were "more pie."

Oh, Mama, you came back!

Uh-huh.

Don't turn around. Just keep walking.

( upbeat theme playing )

Cochran's not waiting for me outside, is she?

Don't know.

We haven't moved for eight hours.

I'll race you to the parking lot.

Alrighty.

On your mark...

get set...

go.

Slowpoke.