Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Good night, Helen. Oh, hold on, Brian.

You know, I've been meaning to tell you all day that

that shirt looks really good on you.

Hm. Thank you. Yeah, uh--

You know, um...

I've always thought that

you were really handsome...

and so sexy.

Helen, what are you doing?

Something I wanted to do for a long time.

Oh--

( percussion theme playing )

Nurse Cochran, need two pints of blood,

50 milligrams of Demerol.

FAY: Yes, Doctor Mather. And we have to hurry

because there were 49 others in the car with him.

Brian, I really want you.

( mumbling )

Helen.

What?

Something's not right here.

Maybe a little music will help?

( piano playing "Call Me Irresponsible" )

Call me

Irresponsible

Call me

Unreliable

Throw in

Undependable

Too

Now do you want me?

( mumbling )

What about Joe?

Forget Joe.

( tittering )

( airplane engine whirring )

( mumbles ): You shy? ( giggling )

Should we wake him up? No, sh, sh, sh. Nah. Nah.

Whatever he's doing, it looks like he's having a good time.

BRIAN: Hey.

( giggles ): Hey. Mwah.

( light jazzy theme playing )

Tsk.

My, Lowell.

You look very nice today.

Uh, thanks, Fay. You know, yesterday, after church

I went to the hardware store and, um...

Arlo, the paint boy,

called me "sir," you know.

And right then it hit me.

That Arlo sniffs paint fumes?

Fay, who among us hasn't maybe

lingered a little too long

over a can of Navajo White, huh?

But what I meant to say was, uh, you know,

suit commands respect.

Eh. Uh, what do you-- What do you think, Roy?

Mather, a group of Cub Scouts

heave-hoed all over plane two.

Drag your butt out there and hose it down.

Need I say more?

Hey, what are you reading?

Oh, it's a catalog of night classes.

I'm tired of being so angry about Stuart leaving me.

I figure there's gotta be more to life

than just sitting around being bitter about men.

Good for you. What classes are you thinking about taking?

Well, I have it narrowed down here to Lesbian Studies

or How to Render a Man Helpless With Your Thumb.

Oh, look at that. They're both taught by the same instructor.

Mm. Heh.

Hey, Roy. Want to hear a good one?

Yeah, sure.

An honest, hard-working cab driver

goes to a shyster accountant

and ends up owing the IRS 1500 bucks.

So the IRS now is threatening to

throw the cabby in the prison.

That is a good one.

So, I, uh--

I was wondering if you could lend me some money.

( snickering )

That's an even better one.

Roy, please...

Hey, there's an old saying about lending money to friends.

Yeah, yeah, I know:

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be."

Actually I was thinking of, "No, no,

not even if I liked you. No."

Uh.

Uh...

of all the times for this to happen.

I finally saved up enough money to ask Casey out

for a fancy dinner.

You, take Casey out?

Scarpacci, you are kidding yourself.

You haven't had the nerve to say two words to her

since she showed up here. Well, I do now.

Oh, really? Let's see. Casey. What are you--?

Uh, could you come here? What are you doing now? Don't--

ROY: You've got the guts to ask her out,

I'll spring for the dinner.

What is it? Hm.

Antonio. Hm-hm.

W-a-a-a-a-...

How old are you? ( grunts )

Damn, I almost got you.

You really think that's funny?

Oh, come on. You thought it was funny

last week when I did it to Fay.

Oh. Right.

So, uh, what were you smiling about, huh?

Huh? Oh-- Oh-- Oh, yeah-- Yeah, yeah.

( laughing ): I had the most incredible dream.

Completely weird, huh?

Uh, ha, I was in the terminal,

right, and Lowell was dressed as a surgeon,

and he was operating on a clown.

( laughing ): Oh, yow.

No, wait. And then,

Antonio and Roy were playing twin pianos

while Casey sang.

Oh, what? Man. Wait-- Wait, and then--

You'll get a huge kick out of this. Uh-huh.

Um... ( laughing )

--I was making it with Helen

at the lunch counter.

( both laughing ) ( claps hands )

What?

( continues laughing )

Can you picture that?

Me and Helen. Isn't that hysterical, man?

( laughs )

My Helen? You-- You dreamt about my Helen?

Well, uh, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Yesterday I had a dream that I couldn't play soccer

because I had Tupperware instead of feet.

Ha-ha.

Did you see her naked?

All right, all right. Heh. Let-- Let me explain

the concept to you, okay?

Was a dream.

Didn't happen. No, no, no.

It was more than a dream. Obviously you have sexual

feelings towards Helen. How could you do this to me?

I'm really sorry I brought the whole thing up.

Listen, I was out late last night.

I need a little more sleep.

Oh, no. You're not going to sleep.

You stay away from Helen.

Excuse me. Do you know where I can get

a car and driver for the week?

FAY: Uh, you mean like a limousine?

Oh, it doesn't have to be a limo.

Well, uh, how about a former

USO dancer in a Plymouth Duster?

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Uh, ahem, couldn't help overhearing.

I own a luxurious cab,

I-I know every inch of the island,

and people say I'm perky.

You'd also have to run errands, FedEx documents,

pick clients up at the airport-- Say no more.

If you need something faxed, I will fax it.

If you need lunch, I will make it.

If you need a massage--

Well, I won't give you one.

Okay, maybe I will.

You are perky.

How much?

( inhales ): Ooh, uh, one full week

at your beck and call 24 hours a day, uh...

1500 bucks. Fifteen hundred bucks?

Hey, for that I'll take a bullet for you.

No, I won't.

Okay, maybe I will.

( exhales ) I don't know.

It's a lot of money.

And I don't get shot at that often.

Well, you know, the best does not come cheap.

Uh, but you know that. From the look of your suit,

uh, whatever you're here for is worth big coin.

So you can go first class and hire me,

or some low-rent driver who FedExes your contracts

to the wrong coast and blows the whole gig.

I like a man who knows what he's worth.

Gavin Rutledge.

Antonio Scarpacci.

Let's rock and roll.

Do you know her? Who?

That woman there. She's gorgeous. What's her name?

Oh, n-- No-- No-- No. Y-- Eh, you don't want her.

Fay, on the other hand, is one hot ticket.

That's okay. I like what I see right here.

Excuse me.

My name is Gavin Rutledge.

Hi.

When I first saw you, I-- Well, I'm sure that

you hear this all the time, but I just wanted

to tell you myself:

You're absolutely stunning.

Really?

Uh, well, hey, we tried. Okay.

I'm in town for a week

putting together a real-estate deal.

I'd love it if you'd have dinner with me.

Look, Gavin, save your breath. It's not gonna happen.

Mm. You gave it your best shot. Let's go.

Is there nothing I can say that would change your mind?

Look, um, I just separated from my husband

and I'm not really into dating right now.

I understand. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

And for whatever it's worth...

any man who would let you get away

has to be the world's biggest fool.

( laughs ) Thanks.

See? I got you to smile. My work here is done.

( laughs ) ( Antonio laughs )

Okay, come on. Let's go. Wait.

I'm sorry about the little...

attitude before.

I'm Casey.

It's nice to meet you, Casey.

I should probably quit while I'm ahead

but I was wondering if you might

reconsider my dinner invitation.

Why...I think I'd like that.

What?

Antonio, take these bags to the car.

I'll be out in a minute.

My life is a complete disaster.

Hey. You want to turn your life around?

Hey, get yourself a suit.

( lively theme playing )

( airplane flying overhead )

What are you doing?

What?

You were staring at Helen.

Oh. I was not. No, yeah--

Hey, I saw you. You were staring at her.

Oh, come on. I asked her to butter my bagel.

"Butter your bagel?" All right. You and me, outside, right now.

What's going on? I-I don't even want to tell you.

You're gonna be furious.

All right. Brian had

an erotic dream about you.

Really? "Really?"

What do you mean, "Really?"

He saw you naked.

Oh, did I look fat to you?

Oh. I don't believe this.

Uh, w-while we're on the subject of fantasies,

I've had one that involves two people here.

Really? Who? FAY: Well, actually,

it was Joe and Brian.

No. You had a fantasy about us?

FAY: Yes. It was totally

wild and unbelievable.

You gave me a raise.

Hey. ( sighs ): Oh, flowers.

Brian, sweetie--

Hey. --thank you.

Hey, after last night, tiger lady,

you deserve it.

( laughs mockingly )

Very funny. That's very funny.

( airplane flying overhead )

I knew they were for Casey.

Good morning.

Oh, my God. Look at those beautiful flowers.

Are they for me?

Yes. Oh.

Gavin remembered I said I love lilies.

Actually, I did.

Isn't he the sweetest guy?

( beeper beeping )

Ah. Well, speak of the hunky devil.

Whoo. Flowers after one date.

This guy must really like you.

Oh, I hope so.

Gavin is just like Stuart...

except he's charming, he has a sense of humor,

and I don't have to carry him when the sand

on the beach gets too hot. Ha.

Uh, that was Mr. Rutledge.

He said we'll pick you up tonight at 8.

Oh. Well, tell him that 8 will be perfect.

Did he say anything else?

Yeah, well, uh, he said to tell you...

he has a bad case of the "Caseys."

( laughing ): Oh, that's so cute.

I'm in hell.

( mellow theme playing )

( laughs ): You know, I can't believe you actually had the nerve

to get up and sing "Just The Way You Are."

Hey. It was a karaoke bar. And besides,

I was singing it to you.

Yech.

Uh, sorry. It's a little something

caught in my throat there.

I had a great time tonight.

You really are...

incredible.

( brakes screech ) ( gasps )

Whoops. Oh, are those brakes or what? Huh?

Well, here we are at Casey's house. Good night, Casey.

See you soon. Don't be a stranger. Ciao.

Are you sure I can't talk you into going back to the hotel

just for a glass of wine?

CASEY: Well...

it is late,

and...well, tonight is just

a little too soon for me.

GAVIN: I understand.

But we're still on for dinner tomorrow night?

Oh, absolutely.

( horn honks ) Oh, whoops.

Hey, is that a horn or what, huh?

( claps hands )

I guess I'll just, uh, walk Casey to the door.

I can handle it.

Oh.

Don't kiss him. Don't kiss him.

Don't k-- Oh!

( horn blows ) Oh.

( footsteps approaching )

( Gavin groans )

Well, I guess it's back to the hotel.

Yes, sir. Oh, jeez. I didn't know

it had gotten this late.

I've gotta make a call.

While I'm on the island, this cab is my office.

And anything said in the office is--

Strictly confidential. Uh, I understand.

Boy, I guess your work never stops, huh?

Right.

Hi, honey. It's me.

How are the kids?

( lively theme playing )

( airplane flying overhead )

( inhales )

Yep.

What? Oh, well, let's just say that, uh...

( inhales ) ...you're not the only dreamer

in the Hackett family.

Oh, will you let this go already.

Oh, sure. Sure, sure, sure. But, uh...

you might be interested to know that last night

I had the most exciting dream

of my entire life.

Let me guess:

You got a brand new pair of Dockers?

No. Think, uh,

a little more along the lines of, uh,

your new girlfriend, Kirsten.

Uh-- My Kirsten?

No, not last night she wasn't.

( snickers ) Oh, yes. She came to the house

to see you, but you weren't home.

She locked the door with a little smile.

She slowly...

took off her clothes.

And she proceeded

to do things to me

that still make me shiver.

Kirsten did.

Yep.

( snickers )

Not Helen. JOE: Listen,

you can dream all you want about Helen.

( scoffs ) I've got Kirsten.

Heh. What do you think of that?

Oh, not very much.

Uh-- Eh-- Eh--

Ow! Joe--

Joe, can I talk to you?

N-n-no-- Not now.

Come on, Helen. It was just a dream.

Uh, Brian, could I--? Sorry. I've got to see this.

( engine sputtering )

Lowell-- Uh, Lowell, listen, uh,

I have this problem, and I was hoping

you could give me some advice.

Sure.

Check-- Ho. Whoo-ooh. Whoo.

( engine whirring )

Okay. Ooh--

Ah. There we go.

No, never-- Never mind.

Clean. No-no, no-no-no. No.

Listen, your instincts brought you to me.

Unload your burden.

( sighs ) Okay. Uh, well, see,

I-I've got this friend, see, and, um, he--

He owes a lot of money to the IRS.

A-and-- And right now, uh, he--

He's working for this rich man

who-- Who happens to be dating a woman

that my friend likes very much.

But the problem is this rich man is married.

But if my friend tells the woman this,

he's sure to be fired.

( scoffs ): Oh, Antonio.

Do I look like a fool to you?

I think we both know who your "friend" is.

It's your cousin, Giacomo, isn't it?

No.

Your dad? No.

Roy? No.

Pete, the idiot? No-- No, listen.

I think what the problem is,

is that your friend has no self-respect.

What you need to do

is tell him to get himself a...suit.

( mellow jazzy theme playing )

Dinner was wonderful.

In fact...

the last few days have been wonderful.

( laughs ) For me too.

I've waited a long time for someone like you

to come into my life.

Oh, please.

Uh-- Uh--

Use your turn signal, you butthead.

I got you a little something. Here.

Wha--?

Oh.

Gavin, this is beautiful.

Weasel.

Uh, o-on the road,

there's a little weasel, and--

I can't accept this. This is too much.

Please, I really want you to have it.

I don't know what to say.

Say that you'll keep it.

Casey...

the way I feel about you...

I could really see us together.

Come here.

( tires screech )

Whoa. I almost missed that turn to Casey's house.

That won't be necessary.

I think we'll be going on to the hotel.

( laughs ) But--

The hotel.

Oh, look, a church.

Heh. Anybody feel like going to confession?

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

The hotel.

Okay. Here it is.

Thank you.

Ah, well, I guess I'll just, uh, wait here

to drive Casey home, then.

That won't be necessary.

( door opens )

Casey...

What?

Nothing.

Let's go. Oh.

Casey, don't go.

What are you doing?

What's wrong?

He's married.

Married?

He has a wife.

He calls her "honey."

Is that true?

Well...sort of. ( sighs )

But isn't the important thing

how we feel about each other tonight?

No, you're married.

Does that really have to matter?

( hand grasps pants )

( in high voice ): I guess it does.

( exhales )

( door closes )

Please take me home.

You are so fired.

Fine. Just pay me what you owe me.

Try to collect a dime from me.

Yeah? Well, I'll see you in hell.

Because I'm gonna kill myself.

( meter clicks off )

I'm, uh...

I'm sorry.

Why do I have a knack for finding all the jerks?

Why can't I find a nice guy?

Oh. They're out there.

If I may...

you know, uh--

For years, my Uncle Paolo,

h-he drove this beat-up old station wagon.

Uh, and then, one day,

he came into a lot of money.

Never mind how.

And, uh, he--

He bought a-a-a bright red Ferrari.

You know, it-- It was shiny and fast

but, uh, not very dependable.

M-- Most days, he-- He still had to drive

that beat-up old wagon.

So, uh, one day, uh,

the Ferrari blew up--

never mind how

--and, uh--

So...

Paolo, he--

He goes and buys a black Maserati.

You know? But once again,

he could never count on it.

Ferraris, Maseratis, w--

They-- They sure are flashy...

but, heh, that banged-up old wagon

is still with him after all these years.

I think I see what you mean.

You do?

Well, that's good, you know, because, uh, I was--

I was thinking--

In fact, I was hoping--

You know, I learned something tonight.

I'm not ready to date. I mean, I thought I was,

but...

Well, I guess it's just too soon.

Yeah, right. It's--

It's too soon.

Hey, I'm sorry you got fired.

No. What. No big deal.

No. I'm sure the IRS will wait for the money I owe them.

Ah, I'm so screwed.

Well...

here.

What are you doing?

Well, you need money,

so why don't you take this?

Ah. No. No, uh, I couldn't.

Please. No, no. It-- It-- It's yours.

I'd really rather you have it.

( laughs )

Ah. Thank you. You know, I-I--

I-if I didn't need the money so badly--

I know.

Well...

if nothing else...

he had good taste.

Yes.

He certainly did.

( melancholy piano theme playing )

( playing "Call Me Irresponsible" )

( lip-synching to female voice ): Call me

Irresponsible

Call me

Unreliable

Throw in

Undependable

Wow.

Whoo. I just had the weirdest dream.