Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

My, Antonio, you certainly look different today.

Well, I-- I thought it was time

for a new image, you know?

Something a little more sophisticated.

What do you think?

You look like a tango instructor on a cruise ship.

You-- You don't, uh--

Don't think I went a little crazy

with the mousse?

You're doing this for Casey, aren't you?

Well, yeah. I-I mean--

I'm a little sick and tired of her treating me

like-- Like I'm totally invisible.

Sometimes I think, you know, sh--

She wouldn't even notice me if I was on fire.

Aw. No, I'm sure you're exaggerating.

( scoffs )

( phone rings )

God, here she comes.

Ow.

Ow!

Ow. Ow!

Ow.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, when's the last time we were alone?

Don't know.

How could we let it go so long?

Don't know.

You think my sister's gonna be okay by herself?

Don't care.

Me either.

On the other hand, she's been acting

a little more needy than usual.

When I left the house tonight,

she had her hands pressed up against the window

like one of those little Garfield dolls.

Helen. Look, your sister's just pushing your buttons.

Now it's my turn.

Okay, so listen to this.

I'm supposed to have a date with Karen tonight,

and at the last minute she cancels. You know why?

She says she's in a "car accident."

Brian, do you mind?

I mean, do you believe that?

Canceling at the last minute like that.

How selfish can one person be?

( sighs )

Would you get the hell out of here?

No. No, no, not you.

No. I'm just a little distracted.

Maybe tonight wasn't meant to be.

Of course it was. I even took a Breath Asure.

I-- I really wanna go home and check on Casey.

I-I promise, I'll make it up to you.

Oh, Helen, please don't go-- Helen, please don't g--

I'm actually kind of glad she's gone.

I mean, since you and Helen got engaged...

we don't-- We don't talk anymore.

Well...then let's catch up.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, Roy. Hey.

You know, I-- I really appreciate you

letting me off early yesterday.

My-- My stomach's feeling much better now.

Ha. That's the last time I store the brake fluid

next to the Dr. Pepper.

Well...

the important thing is you've stopped convulsing.

Listen. You know, I--

I'm not much good with words, so, um, here.

What the hell is this?

Well...

it's a mug with my mug.

Huh. Well, wouldn't you know it,

I guess I am pretty good with words.

You got me this?

Mather, what in the world is in your head?

Well, from now on, hot beverages.

I don't know what to say. Heh.

I'm touched.

I can't tell you what this means to me.

I know.

Hm-hm.

( chuckles )

Hey.

On your next flight, dump that in the ocean, would you?

Helen, I need to talk to you in my office.

Now?

It's very important.

Joe, what is it?

What's wrong? ( door closes )

( chuckles ): Wait.

Wait, what are you doing?

Making up for last night.

( giggles )

Joe, this is a place of business.

I mean, people could be listening outside.

Oh, it's so dangerous.

My life is one nightmare after another.

( door closes ) Casey--

Casey, what is it now?

I ran out of my alpha-hydroxy hydrating cream,

and not one cosmetic counter on this island carries it.

You know, I can feel my skin drying up as we speak.

Well, I can help. How about if I

hold your head underwater?

Now, now, Joe. You're not a woman.

You don't understand these things.

Thank you.

Now, all I need is your credit card

so I can fly to Boston

and pick some up at Neiman Marcus.

You get the bucket, I'll get the hose.

Hey. Guess what.

Turns out Karen wasn't making up an excuse after all.

She really was in a car accident.

Isn't that great?

That's great. Brian, look, we're in the middle--

Excuse me, I was talking about something important here.

I'm out of hydrating cream.

Anyway, Karen's all healed up..

and, uh, she and I are going out tonight,

so I need you to take the last flight for me. What do you say?

Actually, Brian, Joe and I-- Come on, Joe, what do you say?

Excuse me, I was here first. Congratulations.

You know, you can't just barge in here--

Uh, this is my office too.

Okay, would the two of you shut up?

I can't believe... ( sighs )

...how selfish you two are.

Did it ever occur to you that when you barged in here

we might have been in the middle of something important?

I'm sorry. What were you doing?

Well, that's not important.

The point is, we spend

all our time worrying about you two,

when we have other things on our minds.

You mean, y-- You still--

Oh, give it a rest.

Yeah, well, maybe we have been a little inconsiderate.

Maybe we should do something for 'em.

I know.

Maybe we can throw 'em a party or something.

No, better yet. A surprise engagement party.

Ooh, very good. Very good. Leave all the plans to me.

Uh, sure, I can just see that.

A keg, a boom box, and one of those 6-foot sandwiches.

Great, we're both on the same page.

Except...

Brian Hackett always springs for the 10-footer.

Yeah.

Hold it.

If there is one thing I know how to do,

it is throw a party.

We'll get a suite at the Harbor House.

We can go tonight and pick out the perfect room.

And then we'll get a case of champagne,

and I will have the chef at Pastiche prepare all the food.

Hey. And the big sandwich.

We're not having a big sandwich.

Tsk.

This is Nantucket.

It's not San Francisco.

We are a simple people.

We fish our waters.

We till our lands.

We eat a big sandwich.

Oh, Antonio, how are you feeling?

Oh, uh, much better, thank you.

You know, uh, when a man's been on fire...

makes him take stock.

I-- I now realize what a blind fool

I've been over Casey.

Oh. Nobody thinks that.

Well, not everybody.

Well-- Well, at least I don't.

Well, I do. But, uh...

I-I certainly haven't laughed behind your back.

Well, not lately.

Well, I'm through chasing that woman.

Uh, Antonio Scarpacci has come to his senses.

Oh, well, good for you, dear.

Okay...so...

tonight, 7:30, Harbor House.

Okay. And let's get the most romantic room. Okay.

Don't worry. You know, I'm real glad we're doing this.

So am I. Okay.

( upbeat theme playing )

Helen, hurry up.

Okay, Joe.

What do you think?

Who can think? All the blood just left my brain.

That's good, because...

I like my men stupid.

Oh, Joe! Joe, thank God.

Oh, good, Helen, you're here too. Listen--

Antonio, what the hell are you doing in my bedroom?

Listen, something terrible has happened.

It's Brian and Casey.

Oh, my God.

Were they in an accident?

Worse. They're having sex.

Well, at least somebody is.

Joe, please.

Antonio?

Well, I was driving by the Harbor House.

I saw Brian and Casey go inside.

Brian got a key from the front desk

and took Casey to Room 412.

And you saw all that from your cab?

No, don't be ridiculous.

No, by then I was hiding under a room-service cart.

And I would have seen more too,

but just then I was wheeled into Room 413,

where I had to watch a fat, naked man eat chicken wings.

Gosh. I don't believe it. Brian and Casey?

I know, I know.

Oh, this is all my fault.

Leave Casey home one night alone

and look what happens to her.

She crawls in bed with Brian.

And that's obviously a tortured cry for help.

Yes. Yes, listen, listen. We-- We have to do--

We have to do something, you know?

But-- But-- But what?

Uh, I have an idea.

You get the hell out of here, and Helen,

you spend the night with me.

Joe, I can't think of that right now.

Uh, listen, you know, uh--

I-- I'm not a prude, but, uh,

I would appreciate it if you would, uh, cover yourself.

Please.

God, I'm so sorry.

No, I was talking about Joe.

( playful theme playing )

Um, Roy? Mm.

Where's that mug I gave you?

Uh...jeez.

Uh, you know, I haven't seen that around. But--

( gasps ) Somebody must have swiped it.

Tsk. Oh, I'm all broken up.

Well...

dry your eyes, Roy Biggins.

Today's your lucky day.

Okay, wait till you hear this story.

All right. Remember my friend, Merle?

Well, he went out cod fishing the other day

and he reeled in a 50-pounder.

And he gets it back to the beach,

cuts that baby open,

what do you think falls out?

The mug?

No. A license plate from 1929.

So he takes it home, he tells his wife about it,

she doesn't believe him. They have a huge fight.

Merle storms out, he's walking down the beach,

guess what he tripped over.

The mug?

No. A big old piece of driftwood.

Falls down, gashes his head,

he has to go to the hospital and get 30 stitches.

His wife comes to comfort him, you know,

and-- And, uh, what do you think she brings him?

No. Flowers.

Mather, where the hell did you find the mug?!

Oh, I saw your pilot, Bob,

getting on a flight with it,

and I said, "Hey, wait a second, Bob,

that's Roy's mug."

But isn't that something about Merle?

Guys. Guys, guys. Come-- Come here.

( clears throat ) Okay, uh...

listen. ( claps hands )

We are throwing a surprise engagement party

for Joe and Helen, and, um...

you're all invited.

It's at the Harbor House tonight.

We'll meet you in the lobby at 7:30.

Well, it's a little last-minute, but, uh,

it's a party, and who am I to pass up a big sandwich?

He-he. Hm.

How many feet did you go for? Eight feet?

No. This is Joe and Helen.

Its gotta be the 10-footer.

Remember that 12-footer they served

at Ed Peterson's wake?

ROY: Oh, yeah. Oh-ho.

Brace yourself, guys. Um...

we're not having a big sandwich.

Excuse me, um...

it almost sounded like you said

there would be no big sandwich.

Oh, everyone loves the big sandwich.

A party without a big sandwich?

It's-- It's-- It's-- It's-- It's just not done.

All right, enough about the big sandwich.

I'm sure you will all be

more than pleased with the food.

Especially after you've tasted the marvelous poached salmon.

How many feet did you get?

It doesn't come by the foot.

Then how do you know when you're full?

I gotta get off this island.

( exhales )

( door closes )

How can you live with yourself?

What do you mean?

Don't play coy with me.

I know what you and Casey are up to, buddy boy.

Well, great. You gonna stop by the hotel later on and join us?

Hm?

Huh?

What, do you think we'd leave you out, huh?

Got us a suite at the Harbor House, huh.

It's gonna be a blast.

What?

Don't get too excited. Uh...

Casey doesn't want to do the big sandwich.

What--? What--? What are you saying?

You and Casey and me?

Well, I mean, don't forget Roy and Lowell and Fay.

Oh!

God!

Well, come on.

What kind of engagement party would it be without them, huh?

Engagement party?

Ah. ( gasps )

S-s-so you and Casey aren't, uh...?

( gasps ) S-so,

when you were talking about a sandwich, you meant--

Hey wait a minute. No big sandwich?

Um...

Tell me about it. Tell me about it.

Ah, but-- A-a party might-- Might finally give me a chance

to-- To impress Casey.

You know, that woman wouldn't notice me

if she ran right into me.

Oh!

CASEY: Okay.

The party is all set. ( pounds fist )

I took care of the decorations, the food and the hotel. Ah.

Did you take care of your end?

Sure I took care of my end.

What was my end? ( sighs )

Ooh, I knew you would forget.

You are supposed to come up with a plan

to get Joe and Helen to the hotel

so we can surprise them.

All right. I wasn't gonna say anything...

but now I have to.

I know what you two are up to. ( Brian sighs )

Oh, no. Oh, damn.

How'd you find out?

Oh, please, on this island?

You sneeze in the hardware store,

and they gesundheit you down at the bowling alley.

You can't go sneaking around hotel rooms

and expect no one to notice.

Why--? Why didn't we just do it in the hangar?

Casey, I know that you've been upset,

but sleeping with Brian is not the answer.

Oh, what?

Oh. No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

See, we were just planning--

Casey, why deny it?

I know we didn't want Joe and Helen to find out

because of the "surprise."

We'll just have to...

do the best we can.

Understand, my...

love?

( chuckles )

Yes.

But you're all wrong for each other.

Oh, I know, I know.

I know what you're asking yourself:

What is this good-looking, virile young guy

doing with this pretentious, neurotic mess?

But, hey.

I love her.

Casey? You sure about this?

Hey. ( laughs uncomfortably )

I'll always love him.

Even if he should happen to become horribly disfigured

in some tragic accident.

Like, say, getting pinned

underneath the wheels of my car.

Oh, honey. That is so sweet.

You're adults, so, you know,

you're gonna do what you're gonna do.

But when this express train to hell derails,

don't come running to me.

( grunts ) You pig!

Uh. ( sighs )

Just didn't want to blow the surprise, you know?

But admit it.

When I kissed you...

you felt something.

Oh. Yeah. Your tongue.

And if you ever do that again,

I'm gonna serve it to you on a big sandwich.

( lively theme playing )

Helen?

You wanna give me a hand with this?

Oh, never mind. I got it.

( sighs )

Can you believe they went back to the hotel tonight?

What--? How do you know that?

How do you think I know? I called the Harbor House.

( sighs ) Room 412 is registered to Brian Hackett.

You called the hotel?

Helen, are you out of your mind?

You don't think it's possible for a human being

to crawl through that heating duct, do you?

I'm not gonna sit here and do nothing. I'm gonna call 'em.

No, no, no, listen. Listen to me. Listen.

Tonight we are going to forget...

all about Brian and Casey...

and have a romantic evening.

Oh, Joe. Mm.

God, that feels so wonderful.

Okay, now you do me.

You know, maybe I am overreacting.

Maybe they are meant for each other.

Maybe they'll fall in love, get married

and have a couple kids.

Maybe.

And Brian will get bored.

And he'll start messing around.

Ow.

Then Casey will start drinking...

and living in her bathrobe.

Ow.

Ow. Then...

Brian will leave her.

And Casey will collapse from the stress

of being a single mom.

And who's gonna end up raising the kids, Joe?

We are!

Helen, wait. Where are you going now?

I'm going to stop them.

( lively theme playing )

The plan is very simple.

You call Helen, tell her that I dumped you...

and when she hears your pathetic sobbing...

she and Joe will be over in a shot.

Oh. Like Helen would ever believe that.

I wanna dump you.

Nobody dumps Brian Hackett.

( phone rings )

Hello?

You're kidding?

Uh, thank you.

Well...

apparently the Clam Digger Deli

has just delivered a large sandwich.

Big sandwich!

It's a "big sandwich."

Let's go down and get it.

I can't believe this.

Although I should have known you'd do something

to completely ruin this party. ( sighs )

You know something?

In all my experience, I have never met a woman

who needs a big sandwich as much as you.

I can't believe I let you drag me down here.

You know, I bet everyone in this hotel is having sex right now,

except for us.

And that guy.

Oh, just shoot me.

Casey.

No, no, no, no, no, Helen.

You can't just barge in on 'em.

The hell I can't. Hel--

Casey?

Brian?

Helen, there's nobody here. Let--

Oh. What is this?

"Joe and Helen forever"? ( door closes )

Oh, my gosh.

( sighs ) I am such an idiot.

That's what they were doing here at the hotel.

They wanted to surprise us with this hotel room for the night.

Oh, Joe. Look, champagne.

Isn't it wonderful?

Yeah, yeah. Sure, wonderful.

Oh, would you come look at the view.

Yeah, yeah, view. Let's go.

Wonder what a room like this goes for?

Easy now. Take it easy. Easy. More to the left.

More to the-- Watch the corner! Please. Oh, sh--

Careful. Here, come on.

Anything happens to the roast-beef section

of this sandwich, there's hell to pay.

Oh, great.

I've gone from chairing fundraisers

to bringing up the rear of a giant hoagie.

ALL: It's a "big sandwich!"

( Joe humming, Helen giggling )

Ss!

I hear something.

( both giggling )

Sounds like Joe and Helen.

How did they find out? I didn't call them yet.

Oh, great, the surprise is ruined.

No, it's not. I paid for a surprise,

and I'm gonna get a surprise.

Ready? One, two, three.

ALL: Surprise!

( Helen screams )

CASEY: Oh, my God!

JOE: Helen, look. It's a big sandwich.

Helen?

Helen? Yes?

I'm in the mood again.

Already?

Yeah.

God, Joe. You're insatiable.

Haven't you had enough?

I can never get enough.

All right, honey.