Original subtitles

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, morning, Antonio.

It's a great day, isn't it?

Not for William Saunders, 96,

who died suddenly in his sleep.

Oh, man, you're reading the obituaries?

Joe, I'm a cabby.

It's good for business.

Look, see, look,

"Services will be held 3:00 at the Lutheran chapel."

Well, people walking to his funeral

ain't gonna bring him back.

Look at this, "He's survived by six children,

"27 grandchildren,

all residing in the Boston area."

Hm, these people are gonna have to get to the island somehow.

Maybe I, ah, ought to add on a couple extra flights.

Guess you're right, Antonio, life goes on.

Not for local merchant, Lloyd McCauley.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, Joe, Brian,

you guys mind if I leave an hour early today?

Why, what's going on?

Well, you know, don't make a big fuss,

but today I-I turn 31 and a half.

Boy, you must be getting nervous, huh?

One step closer to the big 4-0 and a half.

Yep.

Uh, anyway, it's, you know--

It's kind of a corny Mather family tradition,

but, you know when you turn 31 and a half

they give you this dinky little party

and they make you wear this silly little hat

and they give this dumb old check

for $25,000.

Twenty-five thousand dollars?

God, if only I'd been born a Mather.

That's something you don't hear every day.

Lowell, uh, where did your family get that kind of money?

Um, from the Mather family trust.

Wait, there's a Mather family trust?

Of course.

It was set up in the '20s

by my great-grandfather, Snookie Mather, see.

Apparently made quite a fortune in the crash of '29.

Wait a minute, I thought everyone lost money

when the stock market crashed.

No, I'm talking about when Joe Kennedy crashed his Dusenberg

into Snookie's ice truck.

He took one look at the damage he had caused to Snookie's head

and gave him a hundred grand.

Little did he know that Snookie was born

with that pushed-in face.

Lowell, uh, you know,

$25,000 is a lot of money,

so if you'd like any investment advice I'd be glad to help.

Aw, you know, I would appreciate that, Joe,

because when it comes to money I'm a babe in the woods.

All right. Well, I think what you should--

I mean, what with the Fed pushing the interest rate up,

you know, the bond market has hit rock bottom.

You know, and the T-bill, it's a 4 and a half percent yield

on a 12-month commitment. I mean,

you know, that's a sucker move.

So whatever you've got to tell me I'm open for it.

Go on, Joe, give him your big advice.

Well, I was, uh--

Was going to tell him to open a savings account.

Make sure they stamp your passbook.

Okay, Lowell, Lowell, look, look, look.

With your money and my connections,

we could make a fortune.

Well, what are you talking about?

I'm gonna let you in on the investment opportunity

of a lifetime. Are you ready?

Your very own French fry vending machine.

"Tater Time."

You gotta stop reading those fliers on the windshields.

Oh, really? How do you think I found my gastroenterologist?

Mather, listen to me.

I'm gonna let you in on a sure thing.

It is guaranteed to double your money.

A friend of mine is making a flick.

The only expense is a camcorder,

some guy on steroids and a couple of naked bimbos.

No costumes, no sets,

the whole thing takes place in the woods.

Hm, sounds interesting. What's it called?

"Forrest Hump."

Lowell,

don't listen to anybody. Especially, Joe.

Hey, passbook savings might not be "sexy" but it's safe.

You know, listen, I appreciate everybody's good advice,

except that fry thing, that's a loser.

Uh, but you know, I mean,

I really got to make up my own mind.

I mean, I'm a big boy now.

I am 31 and a half.

JOE: Lowell, Lowell,

where are you going?

Uh, to clear my mind.

Shouldn't take long.

One good sneeze ought to do it.

( upbeat theme playing )

Did you read about that village in Peru

where they live to be almost 90?

Hm?

Nothing.

Oh, wow.

Bruins got a new defenseman.

Huh?

Nothing.

Well, I've got to get back to work.

Us having lunch together was a great idea.

Yeah, it really gave us a chance to talk.

Oh, Lowell, I hear you're looking for investments.

Well, I have an idea that's a gold mine.

What's the one thing on this island that everyone wants

and no one can get?

You want me to open a whorehouse?

No.

I'm talking about something that's going to wipe

Mrs. Field's cookies off the map.

Aunt Fay's Frozen Falafels.

Congratulations, Fay.

You've come up with something to make me reconsider "Tater Time."

Listen, it's too late.

I've already invested the money.

Oh.

I went to the place where I go to wrestle with a problem

and occasionally to pray.

The old wax museum.

We have a wax museum?

I've never seen it.

And as a cab driver I know every square inch of this island.

I remember that place. Right next to the old whaling village.

We have a whaling village?

Oh, I hadn't thought about the wax museum in years.

I'm surprised that place is still open.

Oh, it sure is.

And I ought to know, I'm the proud new owner.

Oh! You bought it?

Oh no, no, Lowell, you-- You put all your money

into the wax museum?

I know. I can hardly believe it myself.

I mean, let's face it,

a wax museum is practically a license to print money.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh. Wow.

This is worse than I thought.

What was Lowell thinking, putting his money

into this decrepit wax museum?

Oh, hey, look at this, look at this.

Yep, Mayberry's deputy, Barney Fife, huh?

And German chancellor Otto Von Bismark.

I don't remember a Von Bismark in Mayberry.

Sure you do, he was Goober's friend.

Goober's friend.

Boy, I tell you,

this place really brings back some memories.

What do you mean? Are you kidding, Joe?

This was the primo make-out spot in Sconset High.

You were not cool unless you scored in the Bonanza display.

So, what you're saying is that you like to have sex

while wax figures watch you.

Well, when you put it that way,

it can make anything sound strange.

Maybe you were like that in high school,

but not everyone was as warped as you. Well...

Boy, does this place bring back memories, huh?

You used to come here?

It's so creepy and scuzzy.

Well, I came here during it's heyday

when it was just tacky and cheesy.

Okay, now look, what are we going to tell Lowell? Ugh.

Well, if he asks, we just tell him the truth.

He's a big boy.

Hey, you guys.

So, what do you think?

Fabulous. It is so nice.

Fantastic. Great.

Listen, I-I want to show you guys around.

Come on over here.

Now, the first stop on our tour is the Great Hall of Presidents.

Isn't it amazing how lifelike they are?

Lowell, Lincoln only has one arm.

See, that's the great thing about wax museums.

They're fun and educational.

Okay, let's step right over here.

Come and listen to a story

'bout a man named Jed.

Wait, wait, uh, where is Jed?

Oh. Well, you know, Gus, the former owner,

was apparently quite a gambler.

He, uh, lost Jed in a poker game.

So, uh, where's Elly Mae?

Did I happen to mention that Gus was also a widower?

Hey, hey, hey, look, look, look, Colonel Sanders, man.

I have always wanted to do this.

Ah!

No, no, this is Gilbert, our tour guide.

Can you believe it,

I, Lowell Mather, have my very own employee.

And you know Joe, I'm going to follow your fine example.

I'm going to be a kinder, gentler leader.

Hup two, Peppy! Tour time!

Welcome to the House O' Wax.

( clears throat )

Welcome to Lowell Mather's House O' Wax.

Your gateway to experiences

unparalleled on Earth.

If I seem to be moving a little slow, it's because of an injury

I got during the Second World War.

Quit rambling! Get on with the tour!

Yes, sir.

Our magical trip through time

begins with Old Honest Abe.

What do you say for yourself, Abe?

Four score and several years ago,

our fathers brought forth to this coun--

Damn! Another fuse!

Wouldn't you know it would happen

when the place is packed?

Uh, listen, I'm-- I'm gonna go fix it.

Uh, the tour's not gonna give itself, Gilbo.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

I walked 16 miles to school.

Gilbert, just relax.

Oh, thank you.

This job is a real pressure cooker.

Say, will you just do something for me?

Will you just say, "Finger-lickin' good"?

Just say it.

Gilbert, let me ask you a question.

On an average day, about how many people show up here?

Well, uh, seeing all you folks here

kind of puts me in mind

of the Great Christmas Rush of '57.

This place is a complete disaster.

Oh, look, I'm sorry, Lowell.

No, it's all right, Joe.

You know what, this place is a disaster.

And that's why I'm gonna put every penny I have

into restoring the House O' Wax to it's former glory.

Listen, I want to thank you, my dear friends,

for coming down here and showing your support.

Gilbert, collect three bucks a head.

( upbeat theme playing )

Helen, what are you wearing tonight?

Wearing? To what?

To the opening.

Of the wax museum?

I wanted to check and make sure we don't wear similar gowns.

That would be quite the faux pas.

It's a wax museum.

I know. But it's also an opening

and my first chance to get out into the social scene.

We're talking wax.

Don't take this from me, it's all I've got.

Uh, Casey, you know, you're right.

Who knows? Maybe you'll meet the man of your dreams

at the wax museum.

Oh.

Uh, your attention please.

Flight 20 to Boston will be boarding shortly.

And thank you for flying Sandpiper Air.

The official airline of Lowell Mather's House O' Wax.

The most exciting,

terrifying experience of your life.

Well, uh, that would be the museum, not your flight.

So Lowell hit you up too, huh?

You know, he put a wax figure of the pope in my cab.

I don't know if it's helping him

but I haven't gotten a ticket all week.

Have you seen Lowell? He hasn't done the pre-flight check.

Oh, yeah, he's down at his museum

getting ready for the grand re-opening.

He's spending every waking moment at that dumb place.

And we all know he's going to lose his shirt.

No, no, we don't know that.

I mean, there are a lot of wax museums that do very well.

That's right. I love them.

On the other hand, don't go by me.

I cried like a baby this morning

when I discovered that whaling village.

Well, that's just not good enough.

How hard can it possibly be to fix Marsha Brady's head?

It's not like she's Jan.

Lowell-- Hold on a second.

Lowell, we have a flight in ten minutes.

You have not done the pre-flight.

Aw, Joe, listen, much too much importance

is placed on a pre-flight check.

I mean, all you really do

is make sure that the plane is air-worthy.

It's largely a ceremonial thing.

Listen, I'm not gonna ask you again:

bring me the head of Marsha Brady.

Lowell.

All right.

I got a delivery for, uh, Lowell Mather.

Oh, that's me. Yep.

Hey. Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh. Laurel and Hardy are here.

Heh. Heh. Man, I--

Now, wait a second. I only see Laurel.

Where--? Where's Hardy?

W-where's--? Where's Oliver Hardy?

ROY: Mather!

Where the hell have you been?

I've got planes on that runway need servicing.

What's everybody staring at?

Look Max, it's Laurel and Hardy.

Go stand next to them.

( upbeat theme playing )

Wow. Ah.

Got to hand it to Lowell.

This place looks great.

Oh, look at this.

He has an American history display.

Washington, Lincoln.

Hey, when was Ricardo Montalban the president?

Wait a second, something wrong here.

Where's Vice President Tattoo?

It must be getting late.

When are the crowds gonna get here?

Oh, as soon as they tear this place down and put up a Sizzler.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to Lowell Mather's House O' Wax.

The happiest place on Earth.

Oh, no, Lowell, Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth.

Oh. Well, the waxiest place on Earth.

Everything looks wonderful, Lowell.

And I'm sure there are gonna be lots more people coming.

Yeah, of course there are, Fay.

I mean, you know how people are at wax museum openings.

Everybody's got to be fashionably late.

Nice tails, Lowell.

Thanks.

I got them off of Fred Astaire.

Uh, you mean Fred's not wearing anything?

Um, I think I'll just have a look around.

Listen, you guys feel free to, uh, try the hors d'oeuvres.

They're over on the Godfather's lap.

Thanks, Lowell.

Ah, look at this.

He's making us an offer we can't refuse.

( as Marlon Brando ): Spring rolls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm so sick and tired

of Italians being stereotyped as mobsters.

As if-- As if that's the only way an Italian man

can make a good living. I mean, take my Uncle Carlo.

He has a palatial estate, he's got vineyards,

a vacation villa, yachts.

Wow, what's he do?

He's a cobbler.

Oh, w--? When did you guys get here?

About an hour-- Hour ago.

An hour ago? What have you been doing?

We-- We-- We were-- We were--

Back there.

Is that hay on your back?

You, uh, been making out in the Bonanza display, haven't you?

Oh, just get your mind out of the gutter.

Yep.

Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late.

Hi, Casey.

So why are we all standing in the entrance here?

Let's join the party.

Well, this is the party.

This is it?

Are you the only people who live on this island?

Well, at least it gave me an occasion to get dressed up.

Hey, that is some beautiful dress.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, it looks even better on you than on Eva Gabor.

Oh, God.

She's got better jewelry.

When did you get here, Roy?

Oh, I've, uh-- I've been here a while.

I've been watching the Bonanza exhibition.

No, uh, don't you mean the display?

No, Fay, no.

I mean the exhibition.

So, uh, everybody having a good time?

Yeah. Great, Lowell. Yeah.

Well you're all a bunch of liars.

My grand re-opening's a freakin' disaster!

Wow! What a turnout.

The glory days are back!

( upbeat theme playing )

I, uh-- I just saw Lowell out there.

You did? How'd he look?

How would you look if you lost 25 grand in one week?

Well, I once had 15 Gs riding on a hard eight

and the shooter crapped out.

Apparently, it drove her insane.

JOE: Hey, hey, Lowell. How are you doing, buddy?

Uh, you know how it is.

Look, Lowell, you're just gonna have to try

to put this behind you.

Learn from your mistake.

You know, you're absolutely right.

I have learned from my mistake.

My mistake was thinking too small.

I'm re-opening next month,

and it's going to be bigger and better than ever.

Lowell, wait, wait, hold it, you can't be serious.

Give it up already.

Yeah, you'll be throwing good money after bad.

Trust me, this is not good money.

I'm borrowing it from a guy named Knuckles.

But you know what?

I'm gonna get all new wax figures.

I'm this close to getting my hands on a Macaulay Culkin.

Lowell. Lowell. Stop it.

It's gonna take more than a Culkin to pull you out of this.

The wax museum does not work. Stop putting money into it.

You're gonna be trying to dig yourself out of this

for the rest of your life.

Well, I guess there goes the Brian Hackett Hall of Freaks.

Well, dear, why don't you get out of it while you still can?

S-- Like, you guys don't understand.

I mean, some of the greatest ideas in history

must have sounded pretty weird at first.

I mean, people laughed when the Wright brothers

said that they could fly.

And people laughed at my cousin Bevo

when he said he could lick his own eyeball.

Yeah. Yeah.

And-- And people laughed at Bugsy Siegel

when he stood out there in the middle of the Las Vegas desert

and said, "You know, I'm gonna build a hotel here."

That worked out pretty well.

He was shot seven times in the head.

I know.

Knuckles keeps reminding me.

Look, you guys,

I know it's pretty far-fetched,

but I really-- I got to take a shot at something bigger.

I've really got to try and make something for myself.

I mean, you guys have Sandpiper.

You have something to work towards.

And-- I mean, a dream.

The House O' Wax is-- It's a dream for me.

( phone rings )

Sandpiper Air.

Oh, my. Oh, Lowell.

There's been an accident at the museum.

You'd better get down there right away.

( mellow theme playing )

Oh. Oh.

Oh, look at this.

Ricardo.

Look, it's-- It's Deputy Fife.

Oh, man.

Do you believe this?

What's that smell?

What do you mean, that burnt smell?

No, no, something else.

Something from my childhood. Reminds me of, uh--

Blowing out candles on a birthday cake. That's it!

Oh, look.

Aw, it's still wet.

Ah, I love it when it dries on your fingers.

Oh, no.

They got the Fonz!

Lowell, Lowell, don't worry about it.

Man, don't worry.

You know what they say:

Ashes to ashes,

wax to wax.

Gilbert, what happened?

Uh, those new lights must have overloaded the circuit.

Ironically,

it started in the Dark Ages display.

Am I the only one to see the humor?

I don't believe this.

Sorry, Lowell. Yeah, we're sorry, buddy.

Hey, Lowell Mather may be down but he's not out.

I will not let the House O' Wax die.

I will rebuild.

I'll sell everything I own. Work day and night.

Do whatever it takes to get the job done.

With God is my witness,

I will not let this dream die.

I'm right behind you.

And you can do it with the insurance money.

This place is insured?

Yeah, for full value.

I'm out clean!

I'm out clean! Whoopee.

Whoopee, whoopee!

( upbeat music playing )

Oh, come on, Roy. Just come on, please.

Do it just once. No, no this is stupid.

I'm not doing it.

Oh, come on, Roy, please.

Hackett, Hackett, read my lips: I'm not doing it.

Forget it. Let's get out of here.

He's not going to do it.

( upbeat theme playing )