Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Future graduates...

Future graduates...

Lowell. What are you doing?

Well, actually, I've--

I've been asked to give the commencement speech

at my alma mater, MIT.

Lowell, you did not go

to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

Excuse me, Joe. MIT:

Murray's Institute of Tools.

All right, so tell me what you think.

All right, "Future graduates, esteemed colleagues,

"Murray...

"as you look back

"on your educational experience here at MIT,

"I'm sure you'll always remember it

as the finest two weeks of your life."

( scoffs )

Bet if you'd gone for another week

you could have been Dr. Mather.

Dr. Mather.

( groans )

If only I'd had the 59 bucks.

( upbeat theme playing )

I am so glad you guys are here.

I'm in big trouble and I--

I don't know who to turn to.

I need $200.

Oh, God, Casey, what's wrong?

I gotta get my hair done.

That's your big emergency?

Your roots are showing?

Helen, you know me.

I hate to ask for money.

Then the last couple of weeks

must have been pure hell for you.

Come on, you understand.

You're my sister.

I mean, I was lucky enough to get an appointment

at the Licari Salon in New York.

Please. Are you telling me there's not a salon

good enough for you here on Nantucket?

No. I just can't bring myself

to go to a place called Yankee Doodle Scissors.

Look, Casey, you are gonna have to face reality.

There's nothing wrong with being an ordinary person

and getting an ordinary, plain haircut.

Just ask Helen who she u-ses.

Sometimes don't you just wish you could just suck the words

right back into your mouth?

Look. Casey, you don't need to spend all that money.

You can go down to the place that I go.

Where's that? Yankee Doodle Scissors.

God help me, but I'm off

to get my Yankee Doodle 'do.

I can't stop smiling. You wanna know why?

You found loose change in the passenger seats again?

Yes, but that's not the only reason.

Just had an incredible therapy session this morning.

Dr. Greyson says that I'm completely over Alex,

and I'm ready to start dating again.

Huh? Ha-ha.

That's it? Nothing?

( scoffs )

Dr. Greyson gave me a hug.

For a hundred bucks an hour, I'll give you a hickey.

Hey, Brian.

Hey, hey, Joanie-Joan. Where have you been?

You haven't taken my flight lately.

Okay. Can you keep a secret?

I have been living in the Biosphere.

Oh. Well, then that would explain the pasty look.

Uh, jab. What are you reading--?

Oh, the new John Irving book, huh?

Yeah, I just finished it. You wanna borrow it?

That'd be great. But, uh, I have to warn you.

I'm not very good at returning things.

Well, neither am I.

Actually, I think that's a friend's.

I'll see you on the plane.

Okey-dokey.

Hey, Fay, is, uh...

Joe scheduled to take the last flight today?

Yes. Why?

Well, it's chicks-drink-free night at The Club Car. Heh.

Brian, why do you feel you need

to skank around The Club Car?

Why don't you take that nice Joan out?

Joan? Yeah, you know, she's--

She's okay, but--

I don't know, there's no-- There's no spark.

Oh, what do you mean, "there's no spark"?

Spark. Spark. The thing that makes you wanna--

How do I put this?

--oil her up like a brand-new catcher's mitt.

Well, o-okay then. Go to your Club Car.

But I'm telling you, the only thing you'll find there

is empty, shallow, meaningless sex.

And men who don't appreciate an older,

more experienced woman.

So. So, Brian... you, um--

You-- You gonna go to The Club Car tonight?

Yeah.

Yeah, great. Great.

Look, um...

how about if, uh, we go together?

'Cause, uh...when I go alone...

Yeah?

...I always strike out.

Well, by all means, let's--

Let's pool those resources, huh? ( chuckles )

No, seriously, I'm--

Uh, it's my first night out, you know,

and I think it'd be better if I just went by myself, okay?

Brian, there's-- There's something you're--

You're not telling me. Isn't there?

I can take it.

Huh.

Okay.

Antonio...the fact is

that whenever you're around women,

you act...desperate and pathetic.

And that's why they flee from you

like from a burning building.

You're mean. Okay, all right.

Now, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, if you just promise to play it a little cool,

I'll meet you there at 8, all right?

Really? Really?

Don't you worry.

I'll be way cool.

Huh. Okay.

( upbeat theme playing )

( piano playing )

( exhales )

Antonio?

The dancing: stop it.

I'll tell you what. Why don't we just, uh...

make like we're having a normal conversation.

You know, laugh a little.

Why?

Because then, uh, it'll look like

we're tossing off witty banter, you know?

( laughs )

Hey, good one, huh?

( laughs ): I got a million of them.

Yeah.

Uh, Brian. Brian, uh... What?

Take-- Take-- Take a look here.

Oh-oh.

Yeah, she's a spark.

Tell you what. Tell you what we'll do.

We'll employ the old, uh, good cop, bad cop.

Never fails.

Oh. Of course.

Why didn't I think of that?

What is it?

Well you, bad cop, will go over

and give her some really obnoxious pick-up line, right?

Then I, the good cop, will rescue her.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

And then, uh, Antonio ends up

in bed with her how?

Uh, you don't.

Uh, you know, Brian,

i-in my country there is an old saying:

Il mio amico, muccia ca me.

Which means? "Bite me."

All right.

All right.

I'll bad cop for you later, okay?

( sighs ): Okay, okay.

I'll do it.

Uh...what-- What do I say to her?

Oh, hell, I don't know.

Hey-- Use that line that Roy always uses.

Ai. Okay.

Hello, there.

Hi. Hi, hi. Hi.

Look, that-- That is such a pretty dress.

Oh, thanks.

It'll look great in a ball

next to my bed in the morning.

( groans )

You pig!

Uh, excuse me, miss.

Uh, is this guy bothering you?

Yes.

What the hell is wrong with you,

you pathetic little scuzzball?

Take it easy.

Shut up!

Get out of my sight, you lowlife.

Guys like you make me sick.

You better bad-cop me later, flyboy.

Well... Thanks.

Ah, it's no problem.

Look, um, if he bugs you anymore,

just give a shout.

Well, wait. Uh, where are you going?

( clears throat )

Heh.

I heard what you said to that girl.

Oh. Oh-ho, no.

Uh, y-- You don't understand.

See? We--

It was just the good cop and the bad cop.

Mm-hm. See, it was my friend's idea.

I don't care whose idea it was, get out of here.

No, you don't understand.

Come on!

Brian!

Brian. B--

So how come I haven't seen you around here before?

Uh, well, I've been living in the Biosphere.

Oh.

Uh, i-is that near Disney World?

No, the Biosphere is the, uh--

The-- The hydroponic, uh--

Forget it.

( both laugh )

Uh, what's your name?

Lisa. Lisa.

Oh, oh, but next week I'm changing it

to Sri Lisaji when I convert to Hinduism.

Wow, you're-- You're converting? What are you now?

Well, I'm the shampoo girl down at Yankee Doodle Scissors.

( sighs )

Look, uh, I'll be right back, okay?

Don't go nowhere.

( water pouring )

BARTENDER: Hey, Brian.

What are you doing here?

I heard you were practically married.

Oh. You kidding me?

Be doing this when I'm 60.

MAN: Hey, cookie!

I'm Brian, and you are gorgeous.

What say I buy you a little drink, huh?

Okay. It's okay.

The more you drink, the better I look, huh?

( laughs )

Hey, there, sugar bumps.

You, uh...

wanna dance?

There's no music. That's okay.

I got the music in me!

Huh?

Good. Keep it there.

( chuckling ): Ooh. Whew!

Beer tender, mein usual.

( clicks tongue )

Hoo-aah!

LISA: Brian?

Brian.

Are you still here?

Huh? Huh?

Hi!

Hi, hi. Hi.

Uh...you know what, I-- I-I gotta go.

Gotta go.

Well, where are you going?

Well, I just got a call from the Biosphere.

Bed check in an hour.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Lowell.

How's your commencement speech coming along?

Well, uh, you know,

I'm just putting the final touches on it.

But tell me what you think.

"So, in conclusion, fellow Murray graduates,

"always be proud of your calling.

"For what brought down the Berlin Wall?

"Détente? No.

"Collapse of the Eastern Bloc?

"I think not.

"In the end, it was just a bunch of guys

with really big hammers."

That's a unique insight, dear.

Hey. Why do you think I graduated Murray cum "loud"?

Hi.

Holy cow. Your hair is--

( laughing ): Don't you just love it?

Oh, Casey.

You know...um...

( stutters )

Um, y-- You know, the little--

It's-- And sort of--

It's just really bad. Oh.

I know.

I know.

I feel like suing that awful place.

Well, why don't you just head on down

to Yankee Doodle Lawyers?

Um...

( sighs )

Casey, I-- I'm really sorry.

I can't believe my salon did that to you.

Heh. They didn't.

I was on my way to your place when I passed this

classy-looking little French salon.

Bevo's.

I don't remember a place named Bevo's

on the island.

Wait a second.

Y-you don't mean Bevo's.

You mean my cousin Bevo's.

Hey. What an American success story.

I mean, today he owns a beauty salon,

yesterday he was shaving dogs and cats for surgery.

( gasps )

Oh.

I went to a dog groomer. Oh.

Oh, there, there, Casey. It's not so bad.

Is there something we can get for you?

Water?

Aspirin?

Snausage?

Oh, my God!

Oh, um--

Look here's, um, 40 more dollars.

You go down to Yankee Doodle's this time

and get it fixed.

Two months ago I had a beautiful home on Nob Hill.

I was on the board of the San Francisco Opera.

At our annual dinner dance,

I even handed Plácido Domingo

a quiche puff.

And now look at me.

I'm a Lhasa apso.

Whoever did this to you...

I will kill them.

( wails )

Ah.

Brian, there you are. There you are.

Listen, um-- I--

I did the bad cop for you last night,

so tonight you bad-cop for me, right?

Let me tell you something, Antonio.

I'm just sick and tired

of all these little bar games I'm playing,

so I'll just have to take a pass.

Wait. No, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. No, see--

See, the game is "good cop, bad cop," see.

Not "good cop, off-duty cop."

I'm sorry, Antonio.

Hey. You're sorry?

Yeah, you go home with a beautiful blond,

I get head-butted by a bouncer.

All right, if it makes you feel any better,

I didn't go home with her.

Oh. That makes me feel better.

Yeah, a-a-a large man made me cry like a girl for nothing.

Wait. Hey, wait, wait, wait.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

You had a hot blond all set to go,

and you passed?

I know. I know. I can't figure it out.

I mean, why would I turn down

a beautiful woman like that?

I have no idea.

But stop undressing me with your eyes.

Hey, Brian. Oh, hey, Joan.

I got you something.

Oh, wow! The new X-Men comic.

Uh, no.

Actually, that's for my 8-year-old nephew.

Nah, go ahead, take it.

He's too old for it anyway.

Ha.

Brian...

she likes you.

Why don't you take her out?

Uh, I don't know.

Hey, I've always thought

y'all would be great together.

Would you give the guy a break?

He already knows there's no spark.

Spark.

See. Now, that is the difference

between men and women.

It's just like they say.

Men fall in love with the women

that they're attracted to.

Where women are attracted to the men that they love.

Where have I heard that before?

Oh, yeah.

I read it on the back of a box of condoms.

Brian...what I'm trying to say is...

when a woman meets a guy,

she could feel no attraction whatsoever.

In fact, she can be completely turned off.

But in time, a spark can grow.

I mean, look what happened with Joe and me.

Wha-- What do you mean, "turned off"?

You telling me that you didn't have

a spark for me at first?

Well, did you have a spark for me?

Oh, come on, Helen. You were a fat 11 year old.

The only sparks were flying off your silverware.

All I am saying is--

Is you have to give it a chance.

Go out with her. You know, see what happens.

Maybe you can grow a spark. (Brian sighs )

Well, I-- I hear what you're saying

about Joan and all, but I-I--

I just don't think so.

Uh, listen, Brian.

Look, uh, I-I-I'm gonna swallow my pride

a-and give you one more--

One more shot.

Okay. What do you say?

Tonight, you and me, The Club Car.

It'll be great.

Look...I even got us matching shades.

Joan!

Joan!

( lively theme playing )

Let's see. Yes?

A movie that I'm really ashamed I liked.

Right, go.

Uh, Billy Jack Goes to Washington?

( groans ) ( laughs )

Wow. Okay, your turn.

Okay. Well, it's--

It's gonna be pretty hard to top. Um...

( claps hands )

I w-- I would have to say Mandingo.

Mandingo, starring, uh,

former heavyweight champ Ken Norton.

Although he was fantastic in Yentl.

( laughs )

Wow, you're-- You're the only woman who ever laughed at that.

Maybe you've been hanging around the wrong women.

Tsk. Maybe I have.

Brian, I'm really glad we did this.

Me too.

Ha.

Good night. Good night.

Absolutely sparkless.

( lively theme playing )

Hey-hey, Mather. How'd that commencement speech go?

Well, um, they tell me it went pretty good,

but quite honestly I don't remember.

Why not?

Well, I forgot the old school tradition.

When Murray says, "Congratulations, graduates,"

they all throw their hammers up in the air.

Why am I not surprised?

( chuckles )

You sure you're okay, Mather?

No, I-I feel fine.

Well, listen, um, you seem to know my name.

I-- I don't know yours.

Well, let's keep it that way.

Hi, Lowell.

Hey, Roy.

Hi. Hey.

So you went out with Joan again.

How was it? Ah. It was great.

I haven't had that much fun with a woman in years.

You know? She makes me laugh.

When we're together, time flies.

I tell you, Joe, she is one in a million.

Still no spark, huh?

Not a flicker.

( sighs )

And it's a shame too,

because I'll tell you,

on paper we are perfect for each other.

Now...

just gonna have to break it off.

Well, that shouldn't really be a problem.

Just, uh...

give her excuse number nine.

No. I don't wanna do that to Joan.

I wanna be completely honest with her.

I thought number nine was honesty.

No, 11's honesty.

Nine has something to do with that flesh-eating bacteria.

Oh, hey, Brian. BRIAN: Hey.

How'd it go with Joan last night?

Great. Fantastic. Couldn't have been better.

Gonna dump her, aren't you?

How does she know?

She's a witch.

Tsk. Brian, I'm telling you.

You're giving up too soon.

You gotta give it a little more time.

Hey, I did.

I gave it two dates.

I even met her parents.

Tiny spark with the mother, but, uh--

What am I supposed to do?

Well...uh, trust me,

two dates is not enough.

And if I would've given your brother here

only two dates,

I would've dropped him after I saw him fast dance.

Uh, naw, what the hell?

Give it one more date.

Uh, listen, there's a phone call out here.

Which one of you is Helen?

( lively theme playing )

( piano playing )

Right. Uh, are you sure you're up to this, Lowell?

Oh. Absolutely. Antonio, right?

Right.

Look. You-- You remember what to do,

or do you want me to explain it all again?

No, no. No. No, no, no, no.

I got it.

I'm bad cop.

Exactly. Exactly.

Ooh. Ooh. There's a good one.

Okay. Now. You know what to say.

Yeah. No, I got you.

I got you.

( sighs )

Hi.

Hi. Hi. Yeah.

That's a really pretty outfit.

Well, thank you.

It's gonna look really great

in a ball next to my bed in the morning.

( laughs )

You know, I like a man who's direct.

Excuse me. Uh, excuse me, miss.

I-is this man bothering you?

Not at all.

Of course he is.

Look, you pathetic little scuzzball.

What are you--? What are you--? Shut up!

The lady wants no part...

Hey!

He's not bothering me. You are.

Is there a problem he--?

Oh, no.

Not you again! God.

Look. Look, I-I--

I know what you're thinking.

No, look. See, heh, you don't under--

Tonight I'm the good cop. Come on.

Come on, I told you yesterday

I don't wanna see you around here. No!

( lively theme playing )

All right.

Thanks a lot for dinner, Brian.

Hey, it was my pleasure. Hm.

This has been great.

Listen...

if you're not doing anything on Sunday...

my mom's having a dinner party.

And I know she'd just love it if you could be there.

Really? Your mom?

Uh...

No, I-- I--

( sighs ) I can't.

Joan...

I really like you...but...

Uh-oh.

You're breaking up with me, aren't you?

Yeah, see, but I-I--

I just don't feel that there's--

I don't know how to put this without hurting your feelings.

I-- I just don't feel

like there's any...

spark.

Well-- I guess I'm really disappointed

to hear that, Brian.

I thought we had something.

I know. I'm sorry.

Well, at least you're honest.

Good night. Okay.

Good night. Bye.

Wow! Wow!

Yeah.

You know, you're absolutely right.

There is no spark at all. Well, good night.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

But-- But-- ( door closes )

No, no, no, no, no. But-- But, uh-- Um...

Um...

Oh, hello there, cookie.

Hey.

I know what you're thinking.

How come this guy is still single?

Well, I'll tell you the God's-honest truth:

'Cause I've been waiting for you, babycakes.

Say, uh...

it's nearly 4:30.

What do you say you and I split a--

An early-bird dinner, huh? Heh.

Go to my house for some demitasse.

Hey. Where you going?

Nice caboose.

( chuckles )