Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

But, Lowell--

Don't talk to me.

Nothing you can say

to know the pain I'm feeling right now.

What happened?

He lost my hat.

We were driving down Main Street in my cab.

It, uh, got a little close in there

and, uh, I--

I-I opened the window,

and his hat flew out.

Oh, sure, make me relive the horror.

( Antonio sighs )

For God's sake, Lowell,

it's just an old orange baseball cap.

"Just an old orange baseball cap."

I'll have you know,

the first time I fixed a crankcase

was in that hat.

First time Lowell, Jr. threw up:

in that hat.

First time I got hit in the head with a brick

was in that hat.

First time I got hit in the head with a brick

was in that hat.

Lowell, Lowell...

I'm-- Look, I-I'm really sorry.

Can you ever find it in your heart

to forgive me?

All right. Uh, I guess life goes on.

Ma'am.

Watch your back, Scarpacci.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uh, what are you doing with the calendar, dear?

Oh, Joe and I are trying to pick a day

for our wedding.

He's such a romantic. He wants me to be a June bride.

Oh, well, June is a lovely month for a wedding.

And may I add, not a bad month for a funeral.

I buried two of my husbands in June.

The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming,

the ground is nice and soft.

That's always a plus.

Well, now, I'm dying to know,

how is it having Casey living with you?

Well, she's my sister and I love her.

But ever since her husband dumped her,

she's been moping around the house

in her bathrobe

eating Snickers and watching Oprah.

Hi, hi, hi!

Isn't it a gorgeous day?

( laughs )

Casey, look at you.

You're dressed. You're up.

You cleaned the food out of your hair.

Yeah.

What happened?

Well, I was watching TV

and I happened to catch an infomercial

for a revolutionary new tooth-bleaching system.

And I realized I haven't smiled in a week.

Ah! I mean, I've become a cliché: the abandoned wife.

Well, I am not a cliché.

And from now on, when you look at me

all you're gonna see is happy face. Ha!

Well, good for you, Casey. Yeah.

So what's with the calendar?

Oh, Joe and I are trying to pick a day for our wedding.

Oh, marriage is so wonderful.

Sharing all your hopes and dreams

with just one man.

And curling up with him at night

and being his best friend.

Hosting his dinner parties

and laughing at his stupid jokes.

Doing things for him that still make you gag.

( gasping )

And then one day,

you know, he just sails off

leaving you flat broke

and without anything to live for,

your guts just ripped open--!

Casey... What?!

Happy face.

Oh, right.

( laughing )

So when you kids getting hitched?

Um, we were thinking June.

And I bet getting married in June was Joe's idea.

Yes, how did you know?

Well, it's a rule of thumb.

If the wedding date is more than six months away,

then it's the guy's idea.

But you don't have to worry about Joe.

No, I don't have to worry about Joe.

What am I not worrying about?

Oh, you know, that he'll change his mind.

Back out. Oh, no, no.

I don't have to worry about Joe.

If there's one person I know,

it's Joe.

Absolutely.

Of course, I thought I knew Stuart, you know.

Right down to that bald spot

I had to rub that Minoxidil on every night.

( Casey laughing )

Oh, yeah, gut like a sumo wrestler,

he's worried about his hair.

( sighs )

I should have killed him when I had the chance.

Happy face!

Helen, I have given this a lot of thought,

and I have found the perfect day for us to get married:

June the 12th.

Joe, that's so romantic.

What made you choose that day?

It's Farmer's Almanac.

Oh, ho, ho, that is romantic.

I hear the 12th is mulch day.

No, no, no. No, no. Look, this-- This really is great.

Look, according to the almanac, the weather on the 12th

will be seasonably cool with a light westerly breeze.

So I can wear a wool tux.

I won't have to worry about pit stains.

That's...very practical, dear.

What a lunatic.

Um, ahem, you know, Joe,

I was just thinking that...

You know, we've known each other a really long time,

and June is so far away.

So, w-what would you think about moving the date up

just a little bit

to, say, um, oh, I don't know,

maybe four weeks from Saturday?

Next month?

That's so soon.

Well, but-- Uh, well, let's, uh-- let's look her up.

Okay, uh-- Well, uh, November 15th,

that seems okay.

It'll be clear, crisp and,

uh, heh, what do you know,

an excellent day to castrate your bull.

Sounds like a wedding day to me.

Joe, Brian's on the radio. He's in trouble.

BRIAN ( over radio ): Joey? Joe, are you there?

Come on. Come on, I need some help here.

Okay, listen, calm down, Brian.

We're gonna get you down safely now.

Just take a good look at the controls

and tell me exactly what's wrong.

What's wrong?

Alex left me.

That's what's wrong.

Brian, this is about Alex again?

Would you get her off your mind already?

( scoffs )

I can't!

What's the point of going on without her?

Just-- Just feel like crashing this plane

right in the ocean!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

I cannot believe he pulled a stunt like this.

Oh, I know. And he was doing so well about Alex.

( sighs )

Well, I had an uncle who snapped like that.

After his wife left him, we all thought he was doing fine.

And then one day in the middle of a city council meeting,

he stood up and said,

"Look, I'm not wearing pants."

Attention all arriving Sandpiper passengers:

We apologize for any inconvenience

we may have caused you

and hope you will fly with us again soon.

Or, on your next trip,

fly Aeromass.

Our pilots are on time, not Thorazine.

Brian, what--? What is wrong with you?

What--? How could you--? Hey, hey, hey, I'm all right.

I'm okay. I'm all right.

No, listen to me: You are not okay.

I-I really think you need help.

You-- You-- You need to see a professional.

A professional?

Hey, Joey, do me a favor:

Just cut it with code words, okay? I'm a big boy.

If you've got something to say to me, say it.

All right. I think you need to see a shrink.

A shrink? I thought you were talking about a hooker.

Hey, hey, Hackett, you do not need a shrink.

What you need is a night out with Doctor Roy.

( inhales sharply )

We'll hit the town and you'll do

what I did when Sylvia left me:

I went down to the local bar, got hammered.

On the way home, peed "I hate Sylvia"

in the snow.

I'd like to see the shrink now. Yeah.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

These shoes in eggshell

would be perfect for Helen.

( knocking on door )

Mr. Hackett?

Yeah, huh?

Would you step into my office, please? Ah.

( crying ): Hi, Joey.

Hi, Brian.

Brian, haven't you got something

you'd like to say to your brother?

( crying )

I love you, man.

And...?

And I hate you!

Can I go now?

Mr. Hackett, the reason I've asked you in here

is in the hope that you might shed some light

on events in Brian's life that he's possibly blocked out.

Like what?

Well, when, for instance, uh,

your mother walked out on the family--

Oh-- You told him that?

What are you, the town crier?

We don't barely know this guy.

Don't talk about Dr. Greyson that way.

I love him.

And...?

And I hate him!

Uh, I'm going.

Uh, Mr. Hackett, it would be most helpful

if you would cooperate.

Please, do sit down.

Please.

Okay. All right.

Uh, now, what--? What was the question again?

( clears throat )

Well, what was, uh, Brian's reaction

when your mother walked out?

Well, it was nothing really out of the ordinary.

He slept under his bed for a couple of months

and told everyone his real mother

was Shirley Partridge.

Could I go to the bathroom?

Certainly.

It's down the hall, to the right.

( sobs )

Wow, he's one sick little puppy, isn't he?

Well, we prefer to say

that he has an adjustment disorder

with mixed emotional features.

Wow, you're good.

Harvard.

I'm impressed.

Well, wait till you see the bill.

( Joe laughs )

Funny. Ha-ha-ha.

Harvard Lampoon.

( laughs )

So, uh, your brother tells me you're engaged to be married.

Oh, yeah, that's right. When's the big day?

Uh, well, actually, we just decided this morning.

It's, uh, November 15th.

Well, that's pretty soon, isn't it?

Yeah, that's just what I said.

I really, uh, wanted June, but...

Ah, June.

It's good suit weather.

Exactly. Exactly.

But, uh, well, she wanted to do it sooner,

so, what could I say?

Well, you could have said you're feeling conflicted.

Um, "Let's talk it over."

You know what? You're right.

That is exactly what I should've said.

You know, I-I cannot believe

I just let her roll right over me like that.

You know, I-I really think I am mad.

You think?

Or are you ready to own that?

Yeah, I am really mad. You know, I-- I mean--

Is this what our marriage is gonna be?

Her giving me orders,

and me just standing there like an idiot?

"Yes, dear. Yes, dear."

Boy, this-- This-- This has been a real eye opener for me.

I just had a major insight in the bathroom.

Yeah, great, great.

Um, look, um, about my problem, c--?

Do you--? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Your problem? Wait-- Wait a second.

I leave here for five minutes and you steal my shrink?

Man, I hate you.

And...? That's it. I hate him!

( arguing indistinctly )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Roy. Roy, have you seen Lowell?

Yeah, he's out in the hangar muttering your name

and sharpening something.

Hey-hey, you found his hat.

Uh, no. No, I didn't.

I-I-I looked all over.

I could not find his stupid hat, so I bought one just like it.

Hopefully he'll never know the difference.

See, I-I rubbed it in axle grease and...

( chuckles )

...I ran over it with my cab.

I even had a small boy throw up in it, so...

( sighing )

Hi, Lowell.

Oh, it's you.

I, uh-- I brought an old friend to see you.

My hat! ( laughs ): Yeah.

Oh, it's my hat.

Gosh, th-thanks, buddy.

No problem.

Oh, well,

there's a little problem.

Uh, you'll be receiving a package

in the mail tomorrow.

Whatever you do, don't open it.

Wait a second. This isn't my hat!

Of course it is, Lowell.

What are you trying to pull over here, Scarpacci?

You trying to make a fool of me?

Oh, and by the way,

about that package in the mail?

I was just kidding.

By all means, open it.

You're really gonna love it.

Hi, hi!

Hey, how was your day?

Well, I went shopping and I found out that Stuart

has canceled all my credit cards.

So I walked out of the store

and ruined my $400 shoes

on those quaint cobblestone streets.

Then I hobbled down to the docks and I lost two fillings

on your delightful saltwater taffy.

But I'm still smiling.

You wanna know why?

Uh, happy face?

No, happy hour.

Oh, hi, Brian.

I love you, Helen Chapel.

Oh, I gather you just got out of therapy.

Oh, it was incredible! I--

The doctor explained to me that inside of me

is a scared little boy.

( sniffles )

So from now on,

big Brian is just gonna have to

start listening to little Brian.

Now, isn't that what got you into trouble

in the first place? ( laughs )

I love you, Roy Biggins.

Get off of me, you psycho!

Therapy, huh? That's nice work, Hackett.

Your brother's a spud.

Hey. Hi, uh, listen...

I really need to talk about our wedding day.

I feel that November is just too soon.

I think that we really should go back to our original plan,

and do it in June.

Okay, fine.

Really?

Sure.

Great.

You know, I envy you.

( laughing )

Least you got a nice speech before the big kiss-off.

Casey, that wasn't a kiss-off.

That's what I said.

Then two weeks later I was served

by the firm of Snitkin, Snitkin and Katz.

Look, Casey, I'm sorry that Stuart left you.

But Joe is not Stuart.

Joe is staying here.

Joe is not leaving.

Joe?

( gasps )

Joe, come back!

What, what? I'm right here. I'm right here.

I just dropped my pencil.

What's up?

( gasps )

Well, I-I-I thought we agreed to get married in November.

I just wanna know what made you change your mind.

Yeah, well, you know what? I had a real breakthrough

when I was talking to Dr. Greyson.

Who's Dr. Greyson?

Brian's therapist.

You talked about us to Brian's therapist?

Well, you know, it, uh--

That just sort of-- Sort of happened.

And Dr. Greyson helped me realize

that when you, you know, um,

strong-armed me into moving up the date,

that, uh, I was feeling a little trapped.

Strong-armed? Trapped?

Well, look, maybe those aren't the best words--

Honey, if you feel trapped, why don't you just

chew off your leg and scamper away?

You know, Casey was right about you.

Oh, you talked to Casey about us?

Well, at least she's family.

Not some idiot with a degree on the wall.

Hey, Dr. Greyson went to Harvard.

He was on The Lampoon.

You're trying to weasel out of this wedding,

aren't you? Oh, you know,

I think I resent that. No, w-wait a minute.

Yeah, okay, I'll own it. Yeah, I resent that.

You know, you--

You're trying to say you don't trust me.

Well, why should I?

You go behind my back and talk about our relationship.

You change the date.

I don't know you anymore.

You're a stranger. Who are you, Joe Hackett?

Fine, great. I-if you don't know me,

if you don't trust me, then why are you

in such a hurry to marry me?

Why do you wanna marry me at all?

Oh, my goodness.

I just had a major breakthrough.

I don't wanna marry you.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Roy? Mm?

Would you mind passing these out

to your customers?

What is it?

Reward poster.

"Have you seen this hat?"

( laughs ): You know, Mather, I feel sorry for you.

Have you considered filing a missing hat report?

Don't be ridiculous.

You have to wait 24 hours.

Have you seen this hat?

Have you seen this hat?

Have you seen this hat?

( sobbing ): Oh, God!

Oh, no. What am I gonna do?

I know. I know, Helen.

It hurts, doesn't it?

Remember the little fabric-covered button on top?

No, Lowell, Joe and I broke up.

We're not getting married.

Hello? My hat's missing.

Dr. Greyson. Flight 25 to Boston.

Oh, uh, and are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Strictly pleasure.

Going on a vacation for a month.

Ah. Oh, you know what I'd do if I had a month off?

Well, first I'd clean out my closets.

Then I would completely reline all my kitchen shelves.

( laughs ): Then I'd tackle that garage.

Uh, so, what are you gonna do?

Well, I'm going to the south of France.

Well, to each his own.

I think I'll wait over here.

Dr. Greyson?

Hey, what are you doing here--?

Oh, you came by to see how I was doing, didn't you?

No, no, no. I-- I'm leaving on a vacation.

Look, as I told you in the office,

if you want to speak to someone, call Dr. Cooper.

I can't believe you're leaving me.

Oh, I know. I know what this is.

It's tough love, right?

You are brilliant, man!

Brilliant!

Dr. Cooper, huh?

( sobs )

Coffee?

Please.

Oh, excuse me, Dr. Greyson,

you forgot your ticket on the counter.

Oh, thank you very much.

You're Dr. Greyson?

Yes, I am.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the home wrecker.

You know, Joe took your little advice,

and he's backing out of the marriage.

Don't you know how impressionable he is?

For God's sakes, the man voted for Ross Perot.

I haven't got the slightest idea

what you're talking about. Don't you walk away from me,

Harvard boy!

My life is over, and my wedding is finished!

Whatever you think I've done, I'm-- I'm-- I'm--

I'm terribly sorry. Yeah?

Well, sorry's not gonna put a garter on my thigh!

Is everybody on this island nuts?

Have you seen this hat?

Oh, hey, Dr. Greyson?

Dr. Greyson, I am so glad you're here.

Would you explain to her...

No, no, no. ...that she was pressuring me--

Would you please tell him

that all he wants to do is back out of the wedding?

Look, right now I am nobody's doctor.

I'm simply a man who is trying to go on vacation.

There will be no therapy today.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Well, I've never been to therapy.

Shouldn't I lay down?

Be quiet and listen.

Now, he never said he wanted to walk away from the wedding.

You see?

Where did you get that idea anyway?

Well, I don't know. But my sister told me--

Well, that's your first mistake.

Never listen to your sister.

If I'd listened to my sister, I'd be a podiatrist.

Now, where did you go off the track?

Well, you-- You said that I-- Well, there you are.

Your first mistake: listening to me.

I'm on my fourth wife.

Your problem is that you listen

to too many people and not to each other.

Now...

do you love him?

Do you love her?

Nervous about marriage?

( laughs )

Nervous about marriage?

( blows raspberry )

Well, congratulations. You're human.

Now kiss and make up.

Now that's more like it.

Now, if you continue to have problems,

do feel free to call

Dr. Cooper.

( sighs )

Dr. Greyson, thank you so much. Yes.

We really appreciate it. Really. Thank you.

All right, all right, all right.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I really would like to get going on my vacation.

HELEN: Certainly. Okay?

Okay, thanks again.

Bye-bye. Okay.

Nice hat.

Thanks.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Isn't this great?

( chuckling )

I'm your pilot, right? Heh, heh.

Yeah...

Just the two of us up here.

All alone.

No interruptions.

Yeah, we'll have plenty of time to talk,

that's for sure.

Oh, o-o-only this time,

you pay me, right?

( laughs )