Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Scarpacci,

what the hell's the matter with you?

You're as white as a ghost.

Ah. I almost had a head-on collision.

Uh, in fact, I'm still a little shaken.

Aw.

That's terrible.

Say, uh,

do you have two 10s for a 20?

Huh?

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.

I was, uh--

I was right near the post office, you know.

This truck, it just sweved into my lane.

My God, you could've been killed.

Uh, my change?

Oh. Oh.

Sorry.

So, anyway,

the last second, you know, I-I just turn out of the way

we missed each other by this much.

I thought I was going to die.

You poor guy.

Are you sure you're okay?

Ah-h-h.

My-- My-- My change, remember?

Oh, I am sorry, Roy.

Where is my head?

Ah, well, I'll--

I'm feeling a little better.

Thanks-- Thanks for listening.

Hey, what are friends for?

Hey, Scarpacci.

Drive carefully.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( snickers )

I know they're your friends,

but I cannot spend another evening

with Bob and Sally Crandle.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

He was such a nice guy in high school,

who knew he'd grow up to be so obsessed with Elvis.

And that wife of his.

Naming their apartment "Graceland."

Yeah.

Hey, you're right. You're right.

They're awful people.

I'll cancel. I'll just cancel it.

All right, everybody, listen up,

I have a very exciting opportunity

for one very lucky person.

Cochran, give it up.

Nobody wants to be the safety warden.

Oh, well, I'm not going to get stuck doing it for another year,

I am officially turning in my hat, vest, and whistle.

Yeah, Roy. Roy. I think you should do it this year.

Okay.

But you really want me to be in charge

of whether you all live or die?

Good point.

Antonio, how about you?

No, heh, I, uh, I would love to,

but you should know,

I come from a long line of cowards, you know.

My great uncle Bruno was on the Titanic,

and two seconds after it hit the iceberg,

he was seen running for the lifeboats

in high heels and a cocktail dress.

You must be very proud of him.

Well, Brian, you seem to be volunteering everybody else.

How about you?

Oh, me--? No, no.

Come on. No, you know, I would like to do it.

I really would like to do it, but I got this thing,

you know, I got this post-- Nasal thing, and-- And--

If I want to blow a whistle someone could get hurt.

Well, who am I going to get to do this--

( gasps )

Oh, Lowell.

We've all been talking and we decided that you,

more than anyone else,

are the perfect person to be the new safety warden.

Gu-- Me?

Are you kidding?

Aw, I don't believe it.

After-- After all these years of hoping and dreaming

and finally. Man.

Finally I achieve the unattainable hardhat

and orange vest.

Wow.

Thanks.

Yeah, don't forget the whistle.

God, the whistle too.

Listen, I promise to do a great job.

Man, I can certainly do a better job than whoever was last year's

incompetant slack-ass safety warden.

Yeah, that would be me.

Well, I know you're hurting right now Fay,

just let it go.

( Alex whistles )

ALEX: Helen, you look gorgeous.

Helen, what a beautiful outfit.

Thank you.

I'm going to New York this weekend to see Davis,

and I've pulled out all the stops.

Chapel, that outfit looks terrific.

The fabric, the lines...

Looks like it was made for you.

Wanna get your hand off my butt, Roy?

It was worth a shot.

JOE: Good afternoon, everyone.

Wow, oh, Helen, woo. Let me look at you.

Oh, you look terrific. Thank you.

I bought it for my trip to New York.

( sighs )

You're gonna waste this outfit on Lynch?

I sure don't remember you dressing like this

when we were dating.

Joe, Davis is taking me to the Rainbow Room.

When we dated you took me to Yankee Doodle Donuts.

Yeah, I still remember ordering for you,

"the lady will have bin number three."

Well, listen, you are not the only person

that has plans for tonight.

I'll have you know I'm going to Chavalier's

with a beautiful young woman named Joy.

Joe? Oh, glad I caught you.

Hi, Sandra, how are you?

Oh, fine. Fine. I just need to know,

is it okay if we postpone our date till 8:30?

I just found out I have to work late tonight.

Tonight?

Uh, um, yeah, no. Yeah, 8:30's fine, yeah,

but, look, if tonight isn't good we can do it some other time.

Oh, are you kidding?

I've been looking forward to this all week.

Great. I'll see you later.

Aw, well, well, well.

Sandra and Joy, two dates in one night.

This is not a problem.

It's really no problem at all.

You know, just a little minor scheduling conflict,

little glitch, happens all the time.

You're screwed, aren't ya. Yeah, big time.

I can't believe what I just did.

Ah, got roped into being safety warden, did ya?

Well, here's a hint:

Just do what I did when I had the job.

You were safety warden?

See?

It's not that.

Do you, uh,

remember Joy?

Joy the-- Joy the flight attendant from United?

Yeah. Yes, well,

I finally got a date with her for tonight

and I completely forgot that I made a date with Sandra.

Wait, you got a date with Joy?

Joy? The one with the incredibly tight little--

But that's not the point, Joe. That's not the point.

Those FA reports have to be signed regularly--

Oh, hey.

You thought I was Alex, didn't you.

Oh, no. I was just-- No.

Save it.

You know why? With every passing year

this little routine of yours gets less and less cute.

What are you doing?

I gotta call Joy and cancel.

I mean, I did make the date with Sandra first.

All right, can I just--

Can I say something to you?

And please do not take offense.

All right, go ahead. Okay.

You disgust me.

You could always

make a date with Sandra, okay?

Just make up a little excuse, you know, say you're--

You're "feeling under the weather." Okay?

Uh, your "aunt died."

If all else fails there's the ever-popular

"I lost my hand in a freak combine accident.

Can I see you tomorrow?"

No, see, Brian,

that is the difference between us.

I am not the kind of guy that would dump Sandra

just to go out with the most beautiful girl I've--

What was that second excuse again?

Dead aunt.

Yeah, I think I can sell that.

( latch clicks )

( whistle blows )

All right.

Surprise safety inspection, everybody freeze.

Not right now, okay, Lowell?

That's a nice vest, man.

Thanks.

All right, everything seems to be in ord--

Wait a second. What's this?

Oh, that's, uh--

Joe, Joe, the box is ticking. This could be a bomb!

( glass shatters )

Or it could be the antique clock

I was sending to get repaired.

Well, look at it this way, I saved you postage,

'cause, uh, ain't nobody gonna fix it now.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Announcing the departure

of Aeromass flight 23 to New York.

At this we will begin pre-boarding passengers

who need assistance, and those going to New York to have sex.

See ya.

Um, I need assistance.

Yeah.

( rings )

Hello?

Uh, Helen.

Helen,

it's Davis Lynch's secretary.

Uh-oh.

Gee, Helen, I hope he's not calling to cancel.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

I think he's calling to see

exactly what time I get there so he can send a limo.

He does that, you know.

( giggles )

Hello.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Absolutely.

Okay. I understand.

Buh-bye.

Cancelled?

Uh, yeah, he had a very important business meeting.

I know what you're all thinking,

and I'm sure he's every bit as disappointed as I am.

After all, it's not like we didn't

see each other last weekend.

You didn't. He cancelled that too.

( sobbing ) I know.

ROY: We will now begin

regular boarding of flight 23

for those passengers who still have someone in New York

who might actually want to see them.

( sobbing )

( piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Helen, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.

I do and I'll give you a tip.

Try estrogen, it worked for mom.

Roy, that's disgusting.

So's a beard on an 85-year-old woman.

It's this stupid long-distance relationship.

I just didn't know how hard it would be.

Oh, Chapel, face it.

That guy's using you like a doormat and you're taking it.

Well, what's she supposed to do?

You know what I do when I have a problem with a woman?

Deflate her?

No, no, I read her the Riot Act.

I lay it on the line and that's what you ought to do, Chapel.

I hate to agree with Roy,

you have no idea how much,

but I think Davis is kind of taking you for granted.

ANTONIO: Now, now, now, I-I--

I don't-- I don't think that's fair.

I mean, you know, she--

She hasn't really heard his side of the story.

That is such a typically male response.

Thank you.

Men are so self-centered.

Ain't that the truth.

They think the whole world revolves around them.

Their business, their schedule--

Their base animal urges.

If memory serves.

No, he-- He does only think of himself.

You really think all men are like that?

Oh, come on.

They say they've learned something since the '70s--

But they'll say anything to get you into the backseat of a car.

As I recall.

Well, this really is quite an education.

You know, Alex, you're right.

Davis thinks he can just apologize

and everything's going to be okay?

They're all just little boys

looking to see what they can get away with.

Hey, baby, I went ahead and made reservations

for us to go out tonight.

Oh, sure, sure.

You just make a decision like that

and you don't even consult her.

Men. You're all pigs.

What's with her?

Look, about tonight, I mean, any place is fine,

just as long as it's not with the Crandles.

Baby, don't worry, the Crandles are history.

Okay?

Alex, you're right.

Know what, I've had it!

That's the last time he's going to stand me up.

What are you going to do?

Get him on the phone.

Tell him just exactly how I feel.

Good for you. Hello, Helen Chapel.

I'd like to speak to Davis Lynch, please.

Well, see, I don't care if he's in a meeting.

Fine. Then I'll leave him a message.

You tell him that I am tired of him taking me for granted,

and as far as I'm concerned,

he can take his precious business and shove it.

Way to go, Helen! Woo!

Feel good. Feeling good.

Yeah. Yeah.

Now what.

Well, you're available, you look great, go out.

All right, let's go. Where we gonna go?

Not with me, I have a man.

So what am I supposed to do,

just wait for the next available guy to walk up?

Yeah, why not?

No way. What about Roy's new pilot Jeff?

He's been asking you out ever since he got here.

Jeff is everything you look for in a man.

He's nice, he's cute, and he's here.

You're right.

All right, you know what? I'm going to do this.

Listen, Helen, if it's not too late, I was wondering--

Absolutely.

I think it's a terrific idea.

Great, uh, then I'll have a cheeseburger.

Um, I'm really embarrased,

I thought you were going to ask me out.

Oh, well, you've turned me down so many times I stopped trying.

Well, try again.

Okay. Helen, would you li--

I'd love to. Great, I'll pick you up--

Let's go now. Or we can go now.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( footsteps approaching )

Oh, thank God. Hackett, I'm glad you're here.

Listen-- Lynch.

Flowers? You shouldn't have.

Just you being here is enough.

Listen, Joe, little advice: now and then get off the island.

Ha-ha-ha, look. I'd love to stay here and gab with you,

but I'm kind of busy. Did you want something?

Yeah, I came here to find Helen,

but she's not at the counter,

she isn't answering her telephone,

do you have any idea where she could be?

I thought she was going to New York to see you.

Well, she was, but I had this deal blow up so I had to cancel.

You put business before Helen? That's just not like you.

Look, if you could put your rapier-like wit on hold

for just a second, I need some help.

All right, look. You know,

from some inconceivable reason,

Helen really looks forward

to these little weekends together,

and every time you cancel it breaks her heart.

I know that, that's why I'm here.

Look, Joe, you know Helen better than anybody.

How can I make this up to her?

Well, to begin with,

you're not going to be able to con her with flowers,

she's going to see right through that.

Oh, thanks.

No, thank you, since you won't be needing these,

I'm going to take them on my date.

Uh, I'm taking off now, Joe.

Oh, okay, Fay, have a nice evening. Thanks.

Night, Davis. Oh, and Joe. Night.

A woman named Joy just called,

she had to cancel your date for tonight.

What, just like that? Yes.

Oh, it's very sad. Apparently her aunt died.

Oh, this sucks.

What am I going to do now?

Well, I could still really use some advice about Helen,

you want to go get a drink or something? With you?

Come on, I brought you flowers, it's the least you can do.

My treat.

Wow. What do you know, I'm easy.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh, wow.

This really is great scotch.

This must be, like, what, 20 bucks a bottle?

Try 20 bucks a shot.

You know, if things don't work out with Helen, I'll date you.

Well, Joe, I gave you flowers, bought you dinner and drinks,

technically you are dating me.

After all this time

what made you finally want to go out with me?

Is it my new haircut?

Trying something different with the part.

Sure, why not.

Oh, my earring.

I'll get it.

( sighs )

I'll get us another round.

Right.

Oh, is this what you're looking for?

Oh, thanks. It's my date's.

Here you go.

Oh, thanks.

Joe.

Helen, what are you doing here?

I've got a date, who are you here with?

( scoffs )

You're not going to believe this,

I'm here with Davis Lynch.

Very funny, Joe.

If you don't want to tell me who you're with--

If you don't believe me, just look right over there.

Oh, my God! It's Davis Lynch!

What'd you lose now?

Uh, my other earring.

Oh, you want me to help you?

No, um, why don't you go get us some drinks?

What is Davis doing here?

Well, he felt really bad about cancelling on you,

he came here to apologize.

I can't let him see I'm on a date,

help me get out of here.

Helen, would you look at yourself?

You're crawling around on the floor like a dog.

Where's your self-respect?

Oh, my God, it's Sandra.

Move over. Move over.

Why are we hiding from Sandra?

Well, because I dumped her with Brian's dead aunt excuse.

What were you saying about self-respect?

Look, just get off my hand.

I'm sorry.

We can't let Sandra see me.

You're on your own because I'm out of here.

Still looking for that earring?

Oh, found it.

Great. I got us Champagne.

Oh, good. Let's get out of here.

It's really expensive Champagne.

Oh, all right.

Thanks, okay, let's go.

You wanted to come here.

I did. Now I don't.

I like flexible men, Jeff, don't be so rigid.

Oh, God, hold me.

This is the best first date I've ever had.

Excuse me.

Helen, are you okay?

Helen?

Helen?

Oh, Davis.

Wh-- Hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm looking for you. Oh.

When I got your message I dropped everything

and flew here to make sure you're okay. Who's this?

Uh, I'm Jeff. Helen's--

Neighbor's son.

Yes, Rachel's boy.

Well, um, say hello to the twins, buh-bye now.

Helen, I'm getting mixed signals here,

are we on a date or aren't we?

You're on a date with this guy?

Excuse me, pardon me, coming through here.

Hey, Hackett.

What are you doing with that plant?

Uh, well, nothing, I'm just trying to go home.

Joe Hackett?

What are you doing here?

Uh, well, I'm taking this plant to my aunt in the hospital.

I thought you said she died. ( stutters )

Well, it turns out it was one of those near-death experiences.

What, I-- No, really.

You know, she went in the tunnel,

she saw the light, she came back,

it's a miracle, really. That is a load of--

No, I'm sorry, I'm sure I--

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Helen, can we sit and talk? I'm leaving.

Come on, please, sit down. Let me explain, okay?

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Sit.

All right.

I'm going to be honest with you.

( exhales heavily )

I'm a victim of a multiple personality disorder.

Oh, this is ridiculous. Thanks a lot, Hackett.

What, you knew she was here on a date,

what, did you bring me down here just to embarrass me?

No, I-- You're dating him? I thought you were dating him.

I am. You are?

Then what am I doing here?

So this is who you dumped me for?

No, I'm not here with him.

She's here with me. No, she's here with me.

Who are you here with? Him.

I came here with him, but not really.

You mean, like a date.

Well, not like a "date" date...

Thank you very much.

I know how you feel,

I'm supposed to be on a date with him.

Why are you here, anyway?

Look, look. Let me explain.

Sandra, I'm sorry I lied to you,

but my friend here was in deep trouble

and he really needed to be with someone.

Really?

Hey, guys. What's up?

Hey, everybody.

Oh, you must be Joy.

Joe's been talking about you all day.

SANDRA: Joy?

No, I'm Sandra and I'm out of here.

I've had it with all of you. I didn't do anything.

I don't mean you.

As far as I can tell,

you're the only one here who's a nice guy.

I really am. I don't belong with these people.

Can I buy you a drink?

Absolutely.

Oh, hey. Thanks, Brian.

Thanks a lot for the good advice.

Uh, what's going on?

I'm trying to clean up the mess that Alex got me into.

Wait, Helen--

J-J-J-Just wait. Just a second.

Helen, I don't understand what's going on here.

You-- You-- You call me up, you leave me this crazy message,

I drop everything, I fly right here as fast as I can,

and you're out on a date.

Look, Helen. The bottom line is

you are the most important thing in my life.

Really?

Davis, I feel the exact same way.

Well, then let's go someplace quiet and talk this out.

Boy, am I glad we are in a solid relationship.

No lying, no game playing, no stories.

Absolutely. Honesty. Honesty is the key.

ALEX: Brian?

What did you tell the Crandles

we were doing tonight?

Oh, I lied. I told them that you were sick

and that my aunt died.

What do we tell them now?

Duck!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )