Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

It's hokey. It's not. It's funny.

It is not. It is. Uh, okay, wait--

Guys-- Guys, maybe you can, uh, settle something for us.

Now that Alex and I are living together,

we wanna change the message on her answering machine.

Now, Alex wants a standard

"We're not in. Yadda yadda. Beep." Right? Okay.

I think that I have come up with something that just has

a little more personality.

BRIAN: Okay, ready?

I really don't wanna do this. Just play along.

Okay.

( pirate voice ): Avast there, mateys.

This is Captain Brian.

And this is Damsel Alex.

We're not aboard the Jolly Roger right now.

But leave a message or we'll make you walk the plank.

BOTH: Arr. Arr. Arr.

What do you think?

It's the most moronic thing I've ever heard.

Uh, can you guys put that on my machine?

Correction: That is the most moronic thing I've ever heard.

( piano theme playing )

Excuse me.

I'm looking for a woman with silky blond hair,

alabaster skin

and eyes a man can get lost in.

Have you seen her?

I used to be her.

( chuckles )

But I-I-I guess you want Helen Chapel.

She runs the lunch counter here.

Thank you.

Hi. Hi.

Here's your French toast and your eggs.

Hi. Hi.

Okay, what can I get you?

Nothing.

Okay.

Uh, do I know you?

I'm Mark,

your waiter from the Crab House.

You were there a few months ago.

I served you...

crabs.

Oh, yeah, right.

I just came by to say, "Hi."

So...

hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Close your eyes and you'd swear

you were at the Algonquin Round Table.

Oh, my God.

Look at that woman.

BRIAN: That's Roy's ex-wife.

Hold it. Hold it.

Somebody actually married Roy?

Hey, there, Roy, uh,

over at your counter--

Isn't that your ex-wife?

Oh, my God. It is Sylvia.

Hackett, don't let her see me.

The last time we were together she sicced a rottweiler on me.

FAY: That's your ex-wife?

She's so elegant and refined

and attractive and, um--

And what? Is it so hard to believe she was married to me?

Yeah.

What'd she do, lose a bet?

( grumbles )

Hey, what's goin' on?

It's Roy's ex-wife, Sylvia.

FAY: Can you believe it?

Sure, why not?

Thanks, Chapel.

It's exactly the way I pictured her.

HELEN: All the way down to that tacky fur coat.

No, not her. The blond.

No way.

Why don't you go over and talk to her, Roy?

( grumbles ) Oh, what the hell.

How do I look?

Well-- That's good enough.

Man, this is gonna be great.

She is gonna tear him up. ( giggles )

Sylvia.

Hello, Roy. Hi. Heh-heh.

What are you, uh--?

What are you doing on Nantucket?

I wanted to get away from Boston for a few days,

and Palm Beach this time of year

is silly with Eurotrash.

I-I-I guess you must've

forgotten that I live here, huh?

Not at all.

In fact, I was hoping I would run into you.

What are we lookin' at?

That blond over there Roy's talking to?

That's his ex-wife, Sylvia.

No way. Yeah.

JOE: She's so...

attractive.

She oughta be. She married a hotshot plastic surgeon.

Oh, yeah, that's right. When she was married to Roy,

she probably looked like Myra from down at the bait shop.

I dated Myra

for three and a half years.

A-and a lovely woman she is.

( stammers )

Who--? Who are you?

I'm Mark,

Helen's waiter from the Crab House.

I served her...

crabs.

Oh.

What are we looking at?

HELEN: That's Roy's ex-wife, Sylvia.

No way.

Here they come. Act normal.

You, you're on your own.

SYLVIA: I don't wanna be an inconvenience.

( chuckles )

See you guys later.

We're going to lunch.

Oh, well, a-aren't you at least gonna introduce us?

Oh, where are my manners? Heh.

This is my, uh-- My ex-wife Sylvia.

Sylvia,

these are all the losers I work with.

Charmed. Hee-hee.

( mellow piano theme playing )

I could watch you

scrape the gunk off that griddle

all day.

Thank you.

Joe, you've gotta help me.

That kid's been staring at me for hours.

He's got a crush on you. What do you want me to do?

Tell him to take a hike.

Tell him to beat it.

Kick his weirdo butt outta here.

I would, but I'm too nice.

No, I'm not gonna break his heart.

Besides, who can blame him?

( imitates Mark ): You got the kind of spatulas

that drive men wild.

Is, uh, Roy back yet?

No.

Whew. Man, this--

This thing with his ex-wife is--

Is very strange.

Whoa. What are you talking about?

Well, I mean, Sylvia showin' up all of a sudden,

being real nice to Roy, inviting him out to lunch.

Come on. What's the big deal? They were married.

I agree with Brian.

It's very strange.

Who are you again?

Don't you remember? He's Helen's crab boy.

Oh, hello.

( humming )

Hello, Joe.

Hi, guys. Heh-heh.

Hi, Alex.

What are you so happy about?

Yeah. Sylvia pick up the check?

Better. She wants me back.

Let's face it.

Once you've been with Roy Biggins,

you never wanna be with another man.

Sounds about right.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Well, Roy, what would make you think

Sylvia wants you back?

She asked me to have dinner with her tonight.

In her hotel room.

( laughs )

Smart lady. No witnesses.

( imitates Roy's laugh )

I knew she'd come back eventually.

Now, if-- If you'll excuse me,

I have got to get ready for the big night.

Oh, that's right. You're about to romance a woman.

You'll wanna shower, shave,

buy chloroform.

( groans )

Okay, make all the jokes you want,

but the important thing here

is my Sylvia is comin' back.

Did I hear Roy say that Sylvia wants him back?

Yeah.

Well, I don't mean to be rude,

but...why?

BRIAN: I've seen her house.

She's way too classy for Roy.

She's got a mansion, a butler.

She's got those heart-shaped soaps in her bathroom

that a less cultured person would've mistaken

for little white chocolates.

ANTONIO: Yeah.

Brian does have a point.

What could Roy possibly have

that her husband doesn't?

Well, he does have that cool chair in his office

that's shaped like a big hand.

FAY: Well, who's to say

what attracts one person

to another. HELEN: I know.

Sometimes you see people and you think,

"How'd they ever get together?"

Yeah. Look at Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.

I know.

What in the hell does he see in her?

Well, I think the mark of a good couple

is if you can picture them in bed,

and it brings a smile to your face.

For instance,

Fred and Ethel Mertz.

So would that be a good couple

or a bad couple?

I always thought it was

good for Fred, bad for Ethel.

You know what's one of the great mysteries of the world to me?

Hang on.

Charlie and Maria Callas.

Lowell, look, Charlie Callas

is a zany nightclub comic.

Maria Callas was a world-renowned opera star.

The two have absolutely nothing in common.

Ha! Proves my point.

Helen,

what do you find attractive in a man?

A Harvard education.

Class of '89.

All right. All right, let's-- Let's-- Let's just--

For the sake of argument, let's assume

that Sylvia once was attracted to Roy.

Why in the hell would she make the same mistake twice?

There's one possibility we haven't considered.

Maybe we're selling Roy short.

I don't know, maybe there's a side of him that's,

I don't know,

romantic, charming, sensitive.

ROY: Coming through.

Coming through.

Time to take the little lady to headboard heaven.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( phone ringing )

Aeromass.

Uh-huh.

Really?

Really?

Really? Okay.

Thanks for calling. Cool.

Yes.

Hey, what are you so happy about?

Brian, that was some guy on the phone

telling me that Bunny was coming to Nantucket

to sleep with me, because she caught him in bed

with his secretary.

Somebody just called you on Roy's phone,

to tell you that Bunny's coming to sleep with you?

Yeah.

Well, did he actually ever mention Bunny's name?

Well, no, but he said my ex-wife.

And, you know, I mean, how many ex-wives do I have?

Oh, man, I just-- I knew-- I knew there had to be a reason.

Lowell. Lowell, don't you get it?

That was obviously Sylvia's husband on the phone.

He must've had an affair, right?

That's why-- That's why she came here.

To get even with him by sleeping with Roy.

( sighs ) Yeah.

Hello.

I don't even know him. Why would he call me?

( upbeat theme playing )

( mellow piano theme playing )

Mm. Syl, I still can't believe we're here together.

Neither can I.

Sorta reminds me of

where we spent our wedding night.

Oh, yeah.

Whatever happened to that car?

( Roy chortles )

No, Syl, I meant the cabin.

Oh. Heh.

Do you want some more champagne? Please.

Now, don't drink too much,

or you won't remember a thing.

Syl, Syl...

Well,

why don't I just go change.

Ch-ch-change?

As--? As in to--?

Into something more comfortable?

[SIGHS] Yeah.

You still want me to be here when you come back out?

That's the point.

Oh, Syl.

Don't be long.

( laughs )

Oh, you.

( chortles )

You are a stud.

( knock at door )

( humming )

Hi, Roy. Listen, I gotta talk to you. It's very important.

Hackett, I don't know what the hell you're doin' here,

but whatever it is, it can wait.

Whoa. Whoa, Roy. Roy, it cannot wait.

It can't wait. Listen. Listen to me.

It's about Sylvia.

I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but, um,

she's using you.

Not yet, but she's about to.

No, wait, Roy.

Roy, I'm tellin' you,

her husband called.

That's the reason she's here:

To get even with him for having an affair.

Right.

And you expect me to believe that you, of all people,

came racing all the way down here

just to help me out?

Now, why would you do that, Hackett, huh?

I'll tell you why. One friend sees another friend in trouble--

That doesn't apply, does it? No.

Well-- Look-- I don't know.

Uh, listen, yesterday if you told me that I would've taken

one step out of my way to help you,

I would've said you were crazy but the fact is that

when one guy sees another guy about to get dumped on,

he wants to help him out.

Even if that guy is you.

Wait a minute here, Hackett.

You are serious.

Yeah, I'm serious.

So what you're saying

is that Sylvia doesn't care anything about me,

I don't mean anything to her,

that she just wants to get me into bed

and use me like some cheap piece of meat?

Exactly.

I can live with that.

Wow-ow-ow, Syl.

You look great.

That looks just like the kind of lingerie I used to buy you

when we were married.

No, it doesn't. The kind you used to buy me lit up.

Well,

let's have a night we'll never forget.

( cackles )

All right.

I am ready.

You know, Syl,

I've dreamt about this night...

Sylvia? S--?

You're wearin' a mask. Heh.

It's a sleep mask.

But we're about to make love here.

Oh, well, it's a fantasy.

I'll be Catwoman,

you be...quick.

Is there anything you wanna tell me, Sylvia?

What?

Oh.

This is a moment I've been dreaming of for years.

I need you.

I want you.

Try not to touch the hair.

Anything else?

Oh, yes. Can you turn off the lights?

But you're wearing a mask.

Yes, but I can see a little something

out the sides.

How's that?

No, I'm still getting something.

It's the moon.

Oh, for God's sake,

I can't go through with this.

Why on earth not?

I'm not in the mood.

You?

You found out, didn't you?

Yeah. Your husband called to warn me.

Damn it.

Sylvia, how could you do that?

Oh, I'm sorry, Roy.

When I found out about him and his secretary,

all I could think about was getting even

by sleeping with the first guy I could find.

I knew that would hurt him.

But why did you pick me?

'Cause I knew that would kill him.

But some part of you must've

wanted to be here with me.

I mean, you could've just told your husband

that we slept together.

You could've just lied to him, Syl.

No, he knows me too well.

I can't fake things with him

the way I could with you.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, I'm sorry, Roy.

I was trying to hurt him,

not you.

Come on. What do you say?

Can you help me out?

For old times' sake?

Sure, what the hell.

( giggles )

What's one more roll in the hay, huh?

( chuckles ) Really?

Nah. Heh-heh.

I'm such a tease. Heh-heh.

( piano theme playing )

Oh, Helen, I've been thinking about your little problem

with Mark, your crab boy.

It reminds me of the way we stewardesses

used to deal with overly amorous passengers.

Well, actually, Fay-- No, no, no. Listen and learn.

You just walk by, smile sweetly,

and then when no one's looking,

give them a quick rap on the nose

with one of those tiny liquor bottles.

Well, actually, Fay, I don't have a problem anymore.

I explained to Mark that I'm not the only woman in the world,

and that he should find someone better suited for him.

Oh, Alex, that was the most exciting helicopter ride

I ever took.

So how'd you learn to fly?

Would you just get away from me, and stop with the bug-eyes?

Thanks a lot, Helen.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

ROY: Hey, Hackett. No, no, no, Roy.

Roy, don't say a word, okay?

You were right, absolutely right.

I had no business showing up at that hotel.

No, Hackett, I wanna tell you--

No, no, please. Spare me.

Spare me the grisly details, okay?

I didn't do anything.

What?

Oh, she was there for the taking.

And I just walked out.

Really?

Gee, you?

Well, uh, I-I-I guess you--

You kinda did the right thing. ( sighs )

I mean, why would you wanna be with a woman

who treats you that way, anyway?

I don't know. Heh.

Maybe it was 'cause I thought

things could go back to being the way they were

when we were first married.

Oh, Hackett.

We used to walk down the street,

and every guy would turn and look at my wife.

And you know what they were thinkin'?

How the hell a guy like you ever got a woman like that?

Exactly.

And I loved it.

They envied me, Hackett.

And when she came back yesterday,

I saw the way you guys were looking at her in the terminal.

I got that feeling again.

Till I found out she was only here to use me

to prove a point to her husband.

( chuckles ) Oh, then I knew.

Sylvia and I are never, ever gonna get back together again.

Wow, Roy. It's-- It's been 20 years.

Um, did you really think she'd be comin' back?

I always had a glimmer of hope.

I didn't say it was a big glimmer.

But it was definitely there.

Till last night.

Suddenly, it seemed so wrong to go through with it

just for a cheap thrill.

Oh, wh-who said that?

Oh, Hackett, why am I bein' so stupid?

What is wrong with me?

Well, it's-- It's just guess, but it sounds like

you might've experienced a moment of human dignity.

Damn, I was afraid of that.

Hackett, I wanted her.

I heard this voice in my head saying,

"Don't do it. Don't do it." What the hell was that?

It's your conscience.

Oh, no. No.

Oh, this can't be happening.

I'm losin' my edge here, Hackett.

Hey, Antonio, thanks a lot for the ride.

Did I give you the impression it was for free?

Listen, uh, Joe,

um, Roy just, uh,

was telling me about last night with Sylvia.

Yeah, great.

No, no, no. No, listen, guys.

Uh, I really think you-- You'd wanna hear this.

Roy.

Well, if I don't tell 'em,

you probably will.

I was an animal. Heh-heh.

I got her so hot, sprinklers went off.

We went on for hours.

I was so good,

I screamed out my own name.

I was-- I've heard enough.

That'll do it for me. Wait a minute.

Guys, no. Come on, now.

You haven't heard the details.

Roy, what the hell was that?

What happened to--? To human dignity?

What happened to your conscience?

I know.

I was worried too, but it's okay.

I'm back.

( chortles )

( piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )