Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

There you are, Mr. Lattimer,

you're on our 10:00 flight to Boston.

Oh, I forgot to ask.

What's the movie?

Oh. Oh, we're showing The Firm.

And, uh, what's the meal today?

It's beef Wellington. They prepare it right on the plane.

And we have a fine selection of California wines.

Uh, excuse me one second. Fay, um,

what are you doing?

We don't have meals on our plane, or movies or wine.

It's a half hour flight to Boston.

Why don't you ask Mr. Lattimer

why he's going to Boston?

So, uh, Mr. Lattimer, what takes you to Boston today?

Gotta catch a shuttle flight to Washington.

I have secret information

for President Roosevelt.

About the Panama Canal.

Oh.

Government business.

Fay, upgrade Mr. Lattimer to first class.

( upbeat theme playing )

Announcing the arrival of Aeromass Flight 12

from New York.

Hey, Scarpacci.

Punch me as hard as you can. Right here.

Because I am-- Oh!

Don't you even wanna know why?

Doesn't matter. But if you want me to do it again,

here's my beeper number.

Hey, uh, Roy, what was all that about?

I'm just getting ready to say hi to my old buddy Dan Mattay.

Gotta make sure I can still take it.

God, what's he doing back here?

I thought the island got rid of that psychopath when he retired.

Wait a minute, back up. Who is Dan Mattay?

He's our old high school football coach.

Hey, he wasn't just a coach.

He was a god.

That's why the town council's

gonna dedicate the new gym to him.

The dedication ceremony's tomorrow.

Oh, man, I hated the coach's guts.

I can still hear that annoying bullhorn voice.

( as Mattay ) Hackett, you throw like a girl.

Put a dress on, Hackett. Play the girl's team. Oh.

And you took that?

Why not? He was talking to Joe.

Come on, he picked on everyone.

( as Mattay ) Thirty pushups, girl. Five laps, girls.

He was a jerk. Oh, you guys deserved it.

You probably did play like girls.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Everyone keeps referring to the word "girls" as an insult.

I will have you know that women

are every bit as athletic as men are.

Helen, think fast.

On behalf of women everywhere, nice catch.

Man, I'll tell you, Old Coach Mattay hasn't changed a bit.

He fell asleep on Roy's flight.

Had to use this to wake him up.

( honks loudly )

Didn't even bat an eye.

Yeah, that guy always could sleep through anything.

I remember once, the team bus crashed on the way to a game,

He slept through it.

I think he had a little help from his assistant coach.

Jack Daniels.

Is that the little guy who used to hang around

the locker room staring at everybody?

No, no, no, that was, uh, Mr. Lebeau. Math teacher.

Right. Oh, wait-- Oh, wait a minute.

Now, what reason would he have for--

Okay.

Come on, Bri, let's get out of here before he shows up.

You know, if I didn't know better,

I would think that you guys are still afraid of him.

Oh, please. Wait,

You know, I'm still afraid

of my third-grade teacher Mrs. Gatenbean.

That was, oh, 50 years ago.

Wait a minute, she was an old witch then,

she's probably dead and buried by now.

What a lovely day.

Come on, let's go.

Well, well, if it isn't the Hackett sisters.

( laughing ) Oh.

You ladies still can't take it, can you?

You know, it's too bad you're not more like Mather here.

Now, this is one tough kid.

He was so tough he used to scrimmage without a helmet.

Remember that?

Wait a second. I played football in high school?

( grunting )

He-he-hey, coach.

Roy-boy.

( both yelling )

So we gonna see you at the dedication ceremony tomorrow?

You bet, Roy.

Hey, Scarpacci. Hey.

This man needs a cab.

Antonio Scarpacci. Yeah, yeah,

you just get me downtown.

What's the matter with you?

Come on, girlie. Suck it up.

See you, ladies.

( in tough voice ) Oh, yeah?

Wow, that guy reminds me of the sergeant

that we had in boot camp. But we got even with her.

One night we got her really drunk

and we snuck into her room.

While she was passed out we painted

this big black mustache on her.

Boy, she must've felt like a total idiot, huh?

Actually, I think she liked it.

She ended up letting her own grow in.

Wow, that's funny. That's funny. You guys snuck into--

No. Oh, no, we couldn't.

I think we could.

Well, we shouldn't.

I think we should.

Oh, what's going on?

Will you excuse me, Alex? Uh, Joe and I are gonna go

have a little girl talk.

( piano theme playing )

Coach Mattay dead, are you sure?

I've been practicing medicine for 30 years.

Trust me, this is not a coin flip.

If you don't believe me, come in and take a look.

I'll take your word for it.

Thanks for coming, doctor.

I knew you were on your way out of town.

So what do you think killed him?

Depending on autopsy, I'd say his liver.

Such a tragedy.

Still can't bring myself to go in there.

So would you mind checking the minibar?

You're right, that's tacky.

I'll send the maid in the morning.

( whispering ) Okay. There he is.

Out like a light, just like always.

Shh, shh, shh.

Okay.

You got everything? Yeah, yeah.

Wig. Makeup.

Camera. Oh, great.

Ooh. Shh.

This is gonna be great. I-- Shh.

( upbeat theme playing )

Okay, good. That's it.

So go do it, go do it.

No, you go. Me?

You go. No, no. You, you--

Okay, stop it, shh, stop it, stop it, okay.

We'll do it, and then we'll just get the hell out of it.

Okay, let's go. ( crashing )

Oh.

It wasn't me, coach. It was Joe's idea.

He told me to do it.

Oh, man, I can't believe

anyone would sleep through that.

He had a little help.

Yeah, about a quart's worth.

Hey-- Would you rela-- ?

Hey, this guy's out cold.

You're right.

Anyway, he is gonna thank us in the morning,

because he is gonna wake up with a brand new head of hair.

Oh!

What do you think?

BRIAN: He's the ugliest woman I've ever seen.

Which is why

he needs a little makeup.

You know, uh,

I think the coach needs a little blush.

He's looking a bit peaked.

Hey, um, Brian? Yeah.

Brian, it's, uh, scaring me just a little bit

how good you are at this.

Oh, and you know what would look great?

Some of those big, dangly earrings.

No. You wanna make him look cheap?

Okay, you're right.

It's just so hard to accessorize a football coach.

What do you think? Reckless Red for the lips?

Excellent.

All right, now get the picture. Get the picture.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Dress, dress, dress, dress.

JOE: All right, coach.

I know you didn't keep in touch with your players,

but we are gonna make sure they all get an up-to-date photo.

Oh, we're gonna be famous.

We're gonna be legends.

( upbeat theme playing )

I will never forget last night

as long as I live.

Hey, that's something we should've done a long time ago.

Yeah. You were great.

No, no, man. You were great.

Any regrets?

Not a one.

Hey, um, did you guys hear the news about Coach Mattay?

News? What-- What news?

It's really awful. BRIAN: Mm-hm.

( Joe and Brian giggling )

What is so funny?

Should we tell her? Uh...

Well, okay, I think we can tell her.

I think she's trustworthy.

Um, Helen...he, he... Um,

we not only heard the news...

Uh, we were responsible.

( Joe and Brain laughing )

What? What?

What do you mean you were responsible?

We snuck into his hotel room,

and we payed him back for all those years of abuse.

Man, he got what was

coming to him, baby.

Look.

Oh, oh, look at that expression.

Seeing this makes it all worthwhile,

man, I'm telling you.

No, tell me this is not happening.

Tell me I'm not hearing this.

JOE: What is the matter? Tell me that it was an accident.

And tell me that it wasn't premeditated.

What? Of course it was premeditated.

You can't do something like that without a plan.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Helen. Helen. Lighten up.

Where's your sense of humor? Don't touch me.

Helen. He called us girls in high school.

I mean, fair is fair.

Because a man calls you girls in high school,

you sneak into his room and do that to him?

BOTH: Yeah.

The man is dead.

Huh?

( piano theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Now, when you say "dead",

do you mean dead as in, uh,

"I just went jogging, boy am I dead"?

No, I mean dead as in,

"I just stopped breathing, boy am I dead."

How could you do something like this?

We didn't kill him.

how could you think we'd do something so crazy?

All we did was sneak into his hotel room

and dress him up like a woman.

God, what a re-- You what?

We thought he was sleeping.

Oh, my God.

He must've woken up,

seen himself in the mirror and had a heart attack and died,

I think we did kill him.

Oh, no. Oh, no. You killed him, man.

Don't try to drag me into this.

I need a lawyer. Fay, get me Dershowitz.

Hey, guys, hear about Coach Mattay dying?

Yes, we did, and as a matter of fact,

Joe and Brian-- Heard about it, and, uh,

and we-- We feel really terrible.

Listen, Lowell, uh,

You didn't happen to find out what killed him did you?

Uh, as a matter of fact I did.

As you may know, my cousin Bevo

enjoys hanging around at the morgue.

Uh, just for fun?

Why else?

Anyway, apparently the cause of death

was the old John Barleycorn.

Demon rum.

Hooch.

What?

According to Bevo, he died of cirrhosis of the liver.

Uh, uh, is he sure? Hey,

if there's on thing Bevo knows, it's livers.

Oh, interesting sidebar, whenever they found the coach,

apparently he was dressed like a woman.

Are, uh, are you sure?

Hey, if there's another thing Bevo knows, it's cross-dressers.

Oh, thank God.

So w-we didn't kill him.

Yeah. Wait. I just thought of something worse.

We kissed a dead guy.

BOTH: Ugh.

You know, I'm not even gonna ask.

All I know is, you have to tell everyone what you did.

What, but why? Why? He died of natural causes.

Because. I mean, if people find out how he was found,

they're gonna think he was a transvestite.

You know how gossip spreads in this town.

Look, d-- Do not worry.

The only two people who know are Lowell and Bevo.

That's right. As long as we keep our mouths shut,

no one ever has to know.

You're kidding.

Lipstick and a wig?

Coach Mattay?

( gasps )

A frilly little tutu?

Oh, Ruthie, that's amazing.

What else have you heard?

I can't believe you guys.

What, a tutu?

Hey, listen, we did not do the tutu.

It was a very tasteful evening gown.

BRIAN: That's right.

Just relax, Helen, just 'cause Fay heard something

doesn't mean that it's public knowledge.

I've got a great joke for you.

What's the difference between

Coach Mattay and J. Edgar Hoover?

About four dress sizes.

God.

( laughing )

You see what you've done?

Okay, so a few people are talking.

Brian

I have a question that could affect our entire relationship.

Did you kill Coach Mattay?

No.

Buy you did dress him up like a woman?

Yeah.

Just checking.

Roy, listen, did you hear anything about Coach Mattay?

You mean all those rumors going around town about his death?

Well, I, for one, wanna go on record as saying

I do not believe one word of it, not for a second.

Coach Mattay was a prince.

And a princess.

Hey, hey, hey.

We used to hunt and fish together.

That man was as tough as nails.

I heard they were press-ons.

Hope they're not cancelling the dedication ceremony

for the new gym. ROY: Are you kidding?

They're gonna turn it into a memorial service,

and it's gonna be my honor to preside over the ceremony.

If you had any class,

you'd send flowers.

Or just a corsage.

Look what you guys did to that man's reputation.

Well, you're gonna have to tell the truth.

Wh-- Wh-- Bu--

Yes, you're gonna go down to the memorial service

this afternoon, and you're gonna set the record straight.

What? What, are you nuts?

And if you don't, then--

Then what?

Then you're gonna be in a lot of trouble

'cause I'm gonna tell.

Will not. Will so.

Will not. Will so.

Will not. Will so, will so, will so.

We may have to kill her.

( upbeat theme playing )

( chatter )

( groans )

God, there's the coach's son.

BRIAN: Haven't seen him in years.

He's grown. A lot.

Bud. I'm gonna go offer my condolences.

BRIAN: Jeez, uh, Bud...

doesn't look very happy, does he?

His father's dead.

I'd rather die than tell him

that we gave his father a makeover.

Look, we still might not have to.

There's a lot of people here. They're still honoring him.

No harm, no foul. We'll just--

Excuse me, if, uh,

if you'll all be seated we can get started.

Bud is really broken up.

You guys better go tell him what you did to his dad.

Hope he doesn't break you in two.

Come on, Helen, he's not really that tough.

Oh, really? At the funeral he's the only pallbearer.

Dear friends,

I think it's particularly appropriate

that we're all gathered here today

in the new Dan Mattay gymnasium.

To honor a man

who gave so much to his com--

Ah, you're kidding?

Y-you saw him with your own eyes?

Uh-oh.

All right, let's get on with it.

Uh, here's a plaque, he's dead,

life goes on, let's go home.

Um, uh, wait just a minute please.

Apparently Helen Chapel has got something

she wants to say about Dan Mattay.

The twink.

Well, all I have to say is...

that Joe and Brian Hackett have something to say.

Told you we should've killed her.

Uh...

I think that, uh, my feelings can best be summed up

in the words of...

my brother Brian.

( blowing )

I'll really miss him.

Joe.

All right, if you don't tell them, I'm telling Bud.

All right, okay, all right, look. Um...

Look, there have been a lot of rumors

going around about the coach.

And, uh, obviously it's, uh,

time that you all found out the truth.

So here it is, here's the truth.

There is nothing wrong at all

with dressing up like a woman.

What? No, no, no, look, I mean,

aren't we tired of these witch-hunts?

Shouldn't a man's proclivity be irrelevant

to judging who they are as a human being?

I've always thought so.

Dan Mattay was a great coach, and a great man,

and that's the way he should be remembered,

and I, for one, think that it would be a shame

if recent events did anything

to tarnish his reputation.

Wait a minute.

You two guys say that's okay that my dad

dressed up like a woman?

Well, okay is a very strong word.

Yeah, and if you don't like it we can always take it back.

I've had enough of this talk.

So now I'm gonna do something

that my old man would've wanted me to.

Oh, Dad...

if only I would've known sooner.

There's so much we could've shared.

This is for you.

( sighs )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

That's great. No, glad to hear it.

You're welcome. Okay.

It's Bud Mattay again.

He keeps calling to say thank you.

You know, you two never did tell the real truth

Helen, what does it matter now.

The Coach got his gym,

and his son feels closer to his father than ever.

All right. Well, I gotta go

'cause I'm meeting Bud at my place.

What for?

Uh, I'm letting him borrow some earrings for the funeral.

Hey, guys. Uh, listen, I was over at the drugstore

and they had these pictures ready for you.

Pictures?

Uh, listen, Lowell, you didn't take a look at them did you?

No, no. None of my business.

Uh, hm, so, uh, is there anything else, Lowell?

Well, Joe...

I think we talked about a raise.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )