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1
00:00:02,090 --> 00:00:03,590
( upbeat piano theme playing )
2
00:00:05,590 --> 00:00:07,090
There you are,
Mr. Lattimer,
3
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:10,090
you're on our 10:00 flight
to Boston.
4
00:00:10,090 --> 00:00:12,100
Oh, I forgot to ask.
5
00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:13,100
What's the movie?
6
00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:15,600
Oh. Oh, we're showing The Firm.
7
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:18,100
And, uh, what's the meal today?
8
00:00:18,100 --> 00:00:21,110
It's beef Wellington. They
prepare it right on the plane.
9
00:00:21,110 --> 00:00:24,610
And we have a fine selection
of California wines.
10
00:00:24,610 --> 00:00:27,110
Uh, excuse me one second.
Fay, um,
11
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:29,110
what are you doing?
12
00:00:29,110 --> 00:00:32,620
We don't have meals on our
plane, or movies or wine.
13
00:00:32,620 --> 00:00:34,120
It's a half hour flight
to Boston.
14
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:35,620
Why don't you
ask Mr. Lattimer
15
00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:38,620
why he's going to Boston?
16
00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:42,130
So, uh, Mr. Lattimer,
what takes you to Boston today?
17
00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:45,130
Gotta catch a shuttle flight
to Washington.
18
00:00:45,130 --> 00:00:47,630
I have secret information
19
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:50,630
for President Roosevelt.
20
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,640
About the Panama Canal.
21
00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,640
Oh.
22
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,640
Government business.
23
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,650
Fay, upgrade Mr. Lattimer
to first class.
24
00:01:05,150 --> 00:01:07,150
( upbeat theme playing )
25
00:01:11,660 --> 00:01:14,660
Announcing the arrival
of Aeromass Flight 12
26
00:01:14,660 --> 00:01:16,660
from New York.
27
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,660
Hey, Scarpacci.
28
00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:22,170
Punch me as hard as you can.
Right here.
29
00:01:22,170 --> 00:01:25,170
Because I am-- Oh!
30
00:01:25,170 --> 00:01:26,670
Don't you even wanna know why?
31
00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:29,170
Doesn't matter. But if you
want me to do it again,
32
00:01:29,170 --> 00:01:30,680
here's my beeper number.
33
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,680
Hey, uh, Roy,
what was all that about?
34
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:39,180
I'm just getting ready to say
hi to my old buddy Dan Mattay.
35
00:01:39,180 --> 00:01:40,690
Gotta make sure
I can still take it.
36
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,190
God,
what's he doing back here?
37
00:01:43,190 --> 00:01:46,190
I thought the island got rid of
that psychopath when he retired.
38
00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:48,190
Wait a minute, back up.
Who is Dan Mattay?
39
00:01:48,190 --> 00:01:50,190
He's our old high school
football coach.
40
00:01:50,190 --> 00:01:52,200
Hey,
he wasn't just a coach.
41
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,700
He was a god.
42
00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:55,200
That's why
the town council's
43
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,200
gonna dedicate
the new gym to him.
44
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,200
The dedication ceremony's
tomorrow.
45
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,210
Oh, man,
I hated the coach's guts.
46
00:02:01,210 --> 00:02:04,210
I can still hear that annoying
bullhorn voice.
47
00:02:04,210 --> 00:02:06,210
( as Mattay )
Hackett, you throw like a girl.
48
00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:10,210
Put a dress on, Hackett.
Play the girl's team. Oh.
49
00:02:10,210 --> 00:02:12,220
And you took that?
50
00:02:12,220 --> 00:02:15,720
Why not?
He was talking to Joe.
51
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,720
Come on,
he picked on everyone.
52
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,220
( as Mattay )
Thirty pushups, girl.
Five laps, girls.
53
00:02:20,220 --> 00:02:22,230
He was a jerk.
Oh, you guys deserved it.
54
00:02:22,230 --> 00:02:24,230
You probably did play
like girls.
55
00:02:24,230 --> 00:02:25,730
Excuse me, excuse me.
56
00:02:25,730 --> 00:02:28,730
Everyone keeps referring to
the word "girls" as an insult.
57
00:02:28,730 --> 00:02:30,230
I will have you know that women
58
00:02:30,230 --> 00:02:32,240
are every bit as athletic
as men are.
59
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,740
Helen, think fast.
60
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:44,250
On behalf of women everywhere,
nice catch.
61
00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:49,250
Man, I'll tell you, Old Coach
Mattay hasn't changed a bit.
62
00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:51,260
He fell asleep
on Roy's flight.
63
00:02:51,260 --> 00:02:53,260
Had to use
this to wake him up.
64
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,760
( honks loudly )
65
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,760
Didn't even
bat an eye.
66
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:00,760
Yeah, that guy always could
sleep through anything.
67
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:04,770
I remember once, the team bus
crashed on the way to a game,
68
00:03:04,770 --> 00:03:05,770
He slept through it.
69
00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,770
I think he had a little help
from his assistant coach.
70
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:11,280
Jack Daniels.
71
00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,280
Is that the little guy
who used to hang around
72
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:16,280
the locker room staring
at everybody?
73
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:22,290
No, no, no, that was,
uh, Mr. Lebeau. Math teacher.
74
00:03:22,290 --> 00:03:23,790
Right. Oh, wait--
Oh, wait a minute.
75
00:03:23,790 --> 00:03:27,290
Now,
what reason would he have for--
76
00:03:30,790 --> 00:03:32,800
Okay.
77
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:34,800
Come on, Bri, let's get out
of here before he shows up.
78
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,800
You know,
if I didn't know better,
79
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,800
I would think that you guys
are still afraid of him.
80
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,300
Oh, please.
Wait,
81
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:41,310
You know,
I'm still afraid
82
00:03:41,310 --> 00:03:43,810
of my third-grade teacher
Mrs. Gatenbean.
83
00:03:43,810 --> 00:03:47,310
That was, oh,
50 years ago.
84
00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:50,310
Wait a minute,
she was an old witch then,
85
00:03:50,310 --> 00:03:53,320
she's probably dead
and buried by now.
86
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,820
What a lovely day.
87
00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:58,320
Come on, let's go.
88
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:01,330
Well, well, if it isn't
the Hackett sisters.
89
00:04:01,330 --> 00:04:04,330
( laughing )
Oh.
90
00:04:04,330 --> 00:04:06,830
You ladies still can't take it,
can you?
91
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,830
You know, it's too bad you're
not more like Mather here.
92
00:04:09,830 --> 00:04:12,340
Now,
this is one tough kid.
93
00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:14,340
He was so tough he used
to scrimmage without a helmet.
94
00:04:14,340 --> 00:04:15,840
Remember that?
95
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,840
Wait a second. I played football
in high school?
96
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:21,350
( grunting )
97
00:04:21,350 --> 00:04:23,350
He-he-hey, coach.
98
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,350
Roy-boy.
99
00:04:25,350 --> 00:04:28,850
( both yelling )
100
00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,360
So we gonna see you at the
dedication ceremony tomorrow?
101
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:35,860
You bet, Roy.
102
00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:38,360
Hey, Scarpacci.
Hey.
103
00:04:41,370 --> 00:04:43,870
This man needs a cab.
104
00:04:43,870 --> 00:04:45,370
Antonio Scarpacci.
Yeah, yeah,
105
00:04:45,370 --> 00:04:48,370
you just get me
downtown.
106
00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:57,880
What's the matter
with you?
107
00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,880
Come on, girlie.
Suck it up.
108
00:05:01,890 --> 00:05:05,390
See you, ladies.
109
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:10,390
( in tough voice )
Oh, yeah?
110
00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:12,900
Wow, that guy reminds me
of the sergeant
111
00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:15,900
that we had in boot camp.
But we got even with her.
112
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,900
One night
we got her really drunk
113
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:18,900
and we snuck
into her room.
114
00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:20,400
While she was passed out
we painted
115
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,410
this big black
mustache on her.
116
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:25,910
Boy, she must've felt
like a total idiot, huh?
117
00:05:25,910 --> 00:05:27,410
Actually,
I think she liked it.
118
00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:29,910
She ended up
letting her own grow in.
119
00:05:29,910 --> 00:05:33,920
Wow, that's funny. That's funny.
You guys snuck into--
120
00:05:39,420 --> 00:05:41,430
No. Oh, no, we couldn't.
121
00:05:41,430 --> 00:05:43,430
I think we could.
122
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:44,930
Well, we shouldn't.
123
00:05:44,930 --> 00:05:46,930
I think we should.
124
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,430
Oh,
what's going on?
125
00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:50,940
Will you excuse me, Alex?
Uh, Joe and I are gonna go
126
00:05:50,930 --> 00:05:53,440
have a little girl talk.
127
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,940
( piano theme playing )
128
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:01,450
Coach Mattay dead,
are you sure?
129
00:06:01,450 --> 00:06:03,450
I've been practicing medicine
for 30 years.
130
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:06,450
Trust me,
this is not a coin flip.
131
00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:10,960
If you don't believe me,
come in and take a look.
132
00:06:10,950 --> 00:06:12,460
I'll take your
word for it.
133
00:06:12,460 --> 00:06:13,960
Thanks for coming, doctor.
134
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,960
I knew you were on your way
out of town.
135
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,460
So what do you think killed him?
136
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:20,460
Depending on autopsy,
I'd say his liver.
137
00:06:20,460 --> 00:06:22,470
Such a tragedy.
138
00:06:22,470 --> 00:06:24,470
Still can't bring myself
to go in there.
139
00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:26,970
So would you mind checking
the minibar?
140
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:29,470
You're right, that's tacky.
141
00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:31,980
I'll send the maid
in the morning.
142
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,490
( whispering )
Okay. There he is.
143
00:06:48,490 --> 00:06:50,490
Out like a light,
just like always.
144
00:06:50,490 --> 00:06:52,500
Shh, shh, shh.
145
00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:54,500
Okay.
146
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:56,000
You got everything?
Yeah, yeah.
147
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:59,500
Wig. Makeup.
148
00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:00,500
Camera.
Oh, great.
149
00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:03,010
Ooh.
Shh.
150
00:07:03,010 --> 00:07:06,510
This is gonna be great.
I-- Shh.
151
00:07:10,510 --> 00:07:12,520
( upbeat theme playing )
152
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,020
Okay, good. That's it.
153
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:16,520
So go do it, go do it.
154
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,020
No, you go.
Me?
155
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:20,020
You go.
No, no. You, you--
156
00:07:20,020 --> 00:07:22,030
Okay, stop it, shh,
stop it, stop it, okay.
157
00:07:22,030 --> 00:07:24,030
We'll do it, and then we'll just
get the hell out of it.
158
00:07:24,030 --> 00:07:25,530
Okay, let's go.
( crashing )
159
00:07:25,530 --> 00:07:27,030
Oh.
160
00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:29,030
It wasn't me, coach.
It was Joe's idea.
161
00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:31,030
He told me
to do it.
162
00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:35,040
Oh, man, I can't believe
163
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,540
anyone would sleep
through that.
164
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,540
He had a little help.
165
00:07:39,540 --> 00:07:42,550
Yeah,
about a quart's worth.
166
00:07:42,550 --> 00:07:45,050
Hey--
Would you rela-- ?
167
00:07:45,050 --> 00:07:48,550
Hey,
this guy's out cold.
168
00:07:48,550 --> 00:07:49,550
You're right.
169
00:07:49,550 --> 00:07:52,560
Anyway, he is gonna thank us
in the morning,
170
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:55,560
because he is gonna wake up
with a brand new head of hair.
171
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,560
Oh!
172
00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:03,570
What do you think?
173
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:06,070
BRIAN:
He's the ugliest woman
I've ever seen.
174
00:08:06,070 --> 00:08:07,570
Which is why
175
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:11,080
he needs
a little makeup.
176
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,080
You know, uh,
177
00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:16,080
I think the coach
needs a little blush.
178
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,580
He's looking a bit peaked.
179
00:08:18,580 --> 00:08:22,090
Hey, um, Brian?
Yeah.
180
00:08:22,090 --> 00:08:25,090
Brian, it's, uh,
scaring me just a little bit
181
00:08:25,090 --> 00:08:27,090
how good you are at this.
182
00:08:29,590 --> 00:08:31,600
Oh, and you know
what would look great?
183
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,600
Some of those big,
dangly earrings.
184
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:37,100
No.
You wanna make him look cheap?
185
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,100
Okay, you're right.
186
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:41,610
It's just so hard
to accessorize a football coach.
187
00:08:41,610 --> 00:08:44,110
What do you think?
Reckless Red for the lips?
188
00:08:44,110 --> 00:08:45,610
Excellent.
189
00:08:50,610 --> 00:08:53,120
All right, now get the picture.
Get the picture.
190
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,620
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Dress, dress, dress, dress.
191
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,120
JOE:
All right, coach.
192
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,620
I know you didn't keep in touch
with your players,
193
00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:03,630
but we are gonna make sure they
all get an up-to-date photo.
194
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,630
Oh,
we're gonna be famous.
195
00:09:05,630 --> 00:09:07,630
We're gonna be legends.
196
00:09:09,130 --> 00:09:11,130
( upbeat theme playing )
197
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,150
I will never forget
last night
198
00:09:22,150 --> 00:09:24,650
as long as I live.
199
00:09:24,650 --> 00:09:28,150
Hey, that's something we
should've done a long time ago.
200
00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:32,160
Yeah. You were great.
201
00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:38,160
No, no, man.
You were great.
202
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,670
Any regrets?
203
00:09:42,670 --> 00:09:44,670
Not a one.
204
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:52,180
Hey, um, did you guys hear
the news about Coach Mattay?
205
00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:53,680
News?
What-- What news?
206
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,180
It's really awful.
BRIAN: Mm-hm.
207
00:09:55,180 --> 00:09:57,680
( Joe and Brian giggling )
208
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,190
What is so funny?
209
00:10:04,190 --> 00:10:05,190
Should we tell her?
Uh...
210
00:10:05,190 --> 00:10:09,190
Well, okay,
I think we can tell her.
211
00:10:09,190 --> 00:10:11,190
I think she's trustworthy.
212
00:10:11,190 --> 00:10:15,200
Um, Helen...he, he...
Um,
213
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,700
we not only
heard the news...
214
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:21,210
Uh,
we were responsible.
215
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,210
( Joe and Brain laughing )
216
00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:28,210
What? What?
217
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:31,210
What do you mean
you were responsible?
218
00:10:31,210 --> 00:10:33,720
We snuck into his hotel room,
219
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:36,720
and we payed him back for all
those years of abuse.
220
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,720
Man,
he got what was
221
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:42,730
coming to him,
baby.
222
00:10:42,730 --> 00:10:44,230
Look.
223
00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:45,730
Oh, oh,
look at that expression.
224
00:10:45,730 --> 00:10:48,730
Seeing this makes
it all worthwhile,
225
00:10:48,730 --> 00:10:49,730
man,
I'm telling you.
226
00:10:49,730 --> 00:10:51,740
No,
tell me this is not happening.
227
00:10:51,740 --> 00:10:53,240
Tell me I'm not
hearing this.
228
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,240
JOE: What is the matter?
Tell me that it was an accident.
229
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,740
And tell me
that it wasn't premeditated.
230
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:58,740
What?
Of course it was premeditated.
231
00:10:58,740 --> 00:11:00,740
You can't do something
like that without a plan.
232
00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:03,750
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
233
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:05,750
Helen. Helen. Lighten up.
234
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:08,250
Where's your sense of humor?
Don't touch me.
235
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:11,250
Helen. He called us girls
in high school.
236
00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:13,260
I mean,
fair is fair.
237
00:11:13,260 --> 00:11:15,760
Because a man calls you girls
in high school,
238
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,760
you sneak into his room
and do that to him?
239
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,270
BOTH:
Yeah.
240
00:11:22,270 --> 00:11:24,770
The man is dead.
241
00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:34,280
Huh?
242
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:35,780
( piano theme playing )
243
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:40,780
( upbeat theme playing )
244
00:11:42,290 --> 00:11:44,790
Now,
when you say "dead",
245
00:11:44,790 --> 00:11:46,290
do you mean dead as in, uh,
246
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:49,290
"I just went jogging,
boy am I dead"?
247
00:11:49,290 --> 00:11:50,790
No, I mean dead as in,
248
00:11:50,790 --> 00:11:53,300
"I just stopped breathing,
boy am I dead."
249
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,800
How could you do
something like this?
250
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:56,800
We didn't kill him.
251
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,800
how could you think
we'd do something so crazy?
252
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,800
All we did was sneak
into his hotel room
253
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:01,810
and dress him up
like a woman.
254
00:12:01,810 --> 00:12:05,310
God, what a re-- You what?
255
00:12:05,310 --> 00:12:07,310
We thought
he was sleeping.
256
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:08,810
Oh, my God.
257
00:12:08,810 --> 00:12:10,310
He must've woken up,
258
00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:12,820
seen himself in the mirror
and had a heart attack and died,
259
00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:13,820
I think we did kill him.
260
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:17,320
Oh, no. Oh, no.
You killed him, man.
261
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,320
Don't try to drag me into this.
262
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:22,830
I need a lawyer.
Fay, get me Dershowitz.
263
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:27,330
Hey, guys,
hear about Coach Mattay dying?
264
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:28,830
Yes, we did,
and as a matter of fact,
265
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:30,830
Joe and Brian--
Heard about it, and, uh,
266
00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:32,840
and we--
We feel really terrible.
267
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,840
Listen, Lowell, uh,
268
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,840
You didn't happen to find out
what killed him did you?
269
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,840
Uh, as a matter
of fact I did.
270
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,850
As you may know, my cousin Bevo
271
00:12:41,850 --> 00:12:44,850
enjoys hanging around
at the morgue.
272
00:12:44,850 --> 00:12:47,850
Uh, just for fun?
273
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,850
Why else?
274
00:12:51,350 --> 00:12:53,860
Anyway,
apparently the cause of death
275
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,860
was the old John Barleycorn.
276
00:12:55,860 --> 00:12:57,360
Demon rum.
277
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,360
Hooch.
278
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:00,860
What?
279
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:03,370
According to Bevo, he died
of cirrhosis of the liver.
280
00:13:03,370 --> 00:13:06,370
Uh, uh, is he sure?
Hey,
281
00:13:06,370 --> 00:13:10,370
if there's on thing Bevo knows,
it's livers.
282
00:13:10,370 --> 00:13:13,880
Oh, interesting sidebar,
whenever they found the coach,
283
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,880
apparently he was dressed
like a woman.
284
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,880
Are, uh, are you sure?
285
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:24,890
Hey, if there's another thing
Bevo knows, it's cross-dressers.
286
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:29,890
Oh, thank God.
287
00:13:29,890 --> 00:13:31,900
So w-we didn't kill him.
288
00:13:31,900 --> 00:13:34,400
Yeah. Wait. I just thought
of something worse.
289
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:37,900
We kissed a dead guy.
290
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,400
BOTH:
Ugh.
291
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,410
You know,
I'm not even gonna ask.
292
00:13:42,410 --> 00:13:45,410
All I know is, you have to tell
everyone what you did.
293
00:13:45,410 --> 00:13:47,910
What, but why? Why?
He died of natural causes.
294
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,910
Because. I mean, if people find
out how he was found,
295
00:13:49,910 --> 00:13:51,920
they're gonna think
he was a transvestite.
296
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:53,920
You know how gossip spreads
in this town.
297
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,920
Look, d-- Do not worry.
298
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,420
The only two people who know
are Lowell and Bevo.
299
00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:00,420
That's right. As long as we
keep our mouths shut,
300
00:14:00,420 --> 00:14:03,430
no one ever
has to know.
301
00:14:03,430 --> 00:14:05,430
You're kidding.
302
00:14:05,430 --> 00:14:07,430
Lipstick and a wig?
303
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:09,430
Coach Mattay?
304
00:14:09,430 --> 00:14:10,430
( gasps )
305
00:14:10,430 --> 00:14:12,440
A frilly little tutu?
306
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:15,440
Oh, Ruthie, that's amazing.
307
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,440
What else have you heard?
308
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,940
I can't believe
you guys.
309
00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:20,440
What, a tutu?
310
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,450
Hey, listen,
we did not do the tutu.
311
00:14:23,450 --> 00:14:24,950
It was a very
tasteful evening gown.
312
00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:26,450
BRIAN:
That's right.
313
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:28,450
Just relax, Helen,
just 'cause Fay heard something
314
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:30,450
doesn't mean
that it's public knowledge.
315
00:14:30,450 --> 00:14:32,960
I've got a great joke
for you.
316
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,460
What's the difference
between
317
00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:36,960
Coach Mattay
and J. Edgar Hoover?
318
00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:40,960
About four
dress sizes.
319
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,970
God.
320
00:14:42,970 --> 00:14:44,970
( laughing )
321
00:14:44,970 --> 00:14:45,970
You see what you've done?
322
00:14:45,970 --> 00:14:48,970
Okay,
so a few people are talking.
323
00:14:48,970 --> 00:14:50,470
Brian
324
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:56,480
I have a question that could
affect our entire relationship.
325
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,980
Did you kill Coach Mattay?
326
00:14:58,980 --> 00:15:00,480
No.
327
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,990
Buy you did dress him up
like a woman?
328
00:15:02,990 --> 00:15:04,490
Yeah.
329
00:15:04,490 --> 00:15:05,990
Just checking.
330
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:12,000
Roy, listen, did you hear
anything about Coach Mattay?
331
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,000
You mean all those rumors going
around town about his death?
332
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,500
Well, I, for one,
wanna go on record as saying
333
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:20,500
I do not believe one word of it,
not for a second.
334
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,510
Coach Mattay was a prince.
335
00:15:22,510 --> 00:15:24,510
And a princess.
336
00:15:24,510 --> 00:15:26,010
Hey, hey, hey.
337
00:15:26,010 --> 00:15:28,010
We used to hunt
and fish together.
338
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,010
That man was as tough
as nails.
339
00:15:30,010 --> 00:15:32,020
I heard they were press-ons.
340
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,020
Hope they're not cancelling
the dedication ceremony
341
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,020
for the new gym.
ROY: Are you kidding?
342
00:15:40,020 --> 00:15:42,030
They're gonna turn
it into a memorial service,
343
00:15:42,030 --> 00:15:45,030
and it's gonna be my honor
to preside over the ceremony.
344
00:15:45,030 --> 00:15:47,530
If you had any class,
345
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:49,530
you'd send flowers.
346
00:15:49,530 --> 00:15:50,530
Or just a corsage.
347
00:15:54,540 --> 00:15:57,540
Look what you guys did
to that man's reputation.
348
00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:59,540
Well, you're gonna have
to tell the truth.
349
00:15:59,540 --> 00:16:01,040
Wh-- Wh-- Bu--
350
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,050
Yes, you're gonna go down
to the memorial service
351
00:16:03,050 --> 00:16:05,550
this afternoon, and you're gonna
set the record straight.
352
00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:07,550
What?
What, are you nuts?
353
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,550
And if you don't, then--
354
00:16:09,550 --> 00:16:11,050
Then what?
355
00:16:11,050 --> 00:16:12,560
Then you're gonna be
in a lot of trouble
356
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,560
'cause I'm gonna tell.
357
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:15,560
Will not.
Will so.
358
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:16,560
Will not.
Will so.
359
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,560
Will not.
Will so, will so, will so.
360
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,560
We may have to kill her.
361
00:16:23,570 --> 00:16:25,570
( upbeat theme playing )
362
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,070
( chatter )
363
00:16:32,580 --> 00:16:34,580
( groans )
364
00:16:34,580 --> 00:16:36,580
God,
there's the coach's son.
365
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:38,080
BRIAN:
Haven't seen him in years.
366
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:41,590
He's grown.
A lot.
367
00:16:41,580 --> 00:16:44,590
Bud. I'm gonna go offer
my condolences.
368
00:16:44,590 --> 00:16:47,090
BRIAN:
Jeez, uh, Bud...
369
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,590
doesn't look very happy,
does he?
370
00:16:49,590 --> 00:16:53,100
His father's dead.
371
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:54,600
I'd rather die
than tell him
372
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,600
that we gave his father
a makeover.
373
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,600
Look,
we still might not have to.
374
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,100
There's a lot of people here.
They're still honoring him.
375
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:03,110
No harm, no foul.
We'll just--
376
00:17:03,110 --> 00:17:05,610
Excuse me, if, uh,
377
00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:09,110
if you'll all be seated
we can get started.
378
00:17:09,110 --> 00:17:11,110
Bud is really
broken up.
379
00:17:11,110 --> 00:17:13,620
You guys better go tell him
what you did to his dad.
380
00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:16,120
Hope he doesn't break
you in two.
381
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:18,620
Come on, Helen,
he's not really that tough.
382
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:22,630
Oh, really? At the funeral
he's the only pallbearer.
383
00:17:24,630 --> 00:17:26,130
Dear friends,
384
00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:28,630
I think it's particularly
appropriate
385
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:30,630
that we're all
gathered here today
386
00:17:30,630 --> 00:17:33,640
in the new Dan Mattay gymnasium.
387
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,640
To honor a man
388
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:39,640
who gave so much to his com--
389
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:46,650
Ah, you're kidding?
390
00:17:46,650 --> 00:17:50,650
Y-you saw him
with your own eyes?
391
00:17:50,650 --> 00:17:52,160
Uh-oh.
392
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,160
All right, let's get on with it.
393
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,160
Uh, here's a plaque, he's dead,
394
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,160
life goes on, let's go home.
395
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:03,170
Um, uh,
wait just a minute please.
396
00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:05,670
Apparently Helen Chapel
has got something
397
00:18:05,670 --> 00:18:07,670
she wants to say
about Dan Mattay.
398
00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,670
The twink.
399
00:18:12,180 --> 00:18:15,180
Well, all I have to say is...
400
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:20,180
that Joe and Brian Hackett
have something to say.
401
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:22,190
Told you we
should've killed her.
402
00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:29,190
Uh...
403
00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:33,700
I think that, uh, my feelings
can best be summed up
404
00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:35,700
in the words of...
405
00:18:35,700 --> 00:18:38,700
my brother Brian.
406
00:18:45,210 --> 00:18:46,210
( blowing )
407
00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:49,710
I'll really miss him.
408
00:18:49,710 --> 00:18:51,710
Joe.
409
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:57,720
All right, if you don't
tell them, I'm telling Bud.
410
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,220
All right, okay,
all right, look. Um...
411
00:19:00,220 --> 00:19:01,730
Look,
there have been a lot of rumors
412
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,230
going around about the coach.
413
00:19:03,230 --> 00:19:06,230
And, uh, obviously it's, uh,
414
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:07,730
time that you all
found out the truth.
415
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:10,230
So here it is, here's the truth.
416
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,240
There is nothing wrong at all
417
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:18,240
with dressing up like a woman.
418
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,740
What?
No, no, no, look, I mean,
419
00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:21,740
aren't we tired
of these witch-hunts?
420
00:19:21,740 --> 00:19:25,250
Shouldn't a man's proclivity
be irrelevant
421
00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:27,750
to judging who they are
as a human being?
422
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:29,750
I've always thought so.
423
00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:34,260
Dan Mattay was a great coach,
and a great man,
424
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:35,760
and that's the way he should be
remembered,
425
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,260
and I, for one,
think that it would be a shame
426
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:40,260
if recent events did anything
427
00:19:40,260 --> 00:19:42,770
to tarnish his reputation.
428
00:19:50,270 --> 00:19:53,280
Wait a minute.
429
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,780
You two guys say that's
okay that my dad
430
00:19:55,780 --> 00:19:57,780
dressed up like a woman?
431
00:19:59,780 --> 00:20:02,790
Well,
okay is a very strong word.
432
00:20:02,790 --> 00:20:05,290
Yeah, and if you don't like
it we can always take it back.
433
00:20:05,290 --> 00:20:07,290
I've had enough
of this talk.
434
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:08,290
So now I'm gonna
do something
435
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,290
that my old man
would've wanted me to.
436
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:15,300
Oh, Dad...
437
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:17,300
if only I would've
known sooner.
438
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:19,800
There's so much
we could've shared.
439
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,810
This is for you.
440
00:20:25,310 --> 00:20:27,310
( sighs )
441
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:29,810
( upbeat piano theme playing )
442
00:20:42,330 --> 00:20:45,330
That's great.
No, glad to hear it.
443
00:20:45,330 --> 00:20:47,830
You're welcome. Okay.
444
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:49,330
It's Bud Mattay again.
445
00:20:49,330 --> 00:20:52,340
He keeps calling
to say thank you.
446
00:20:52,340 --> 00:20:55,340
You know, you two never did
tell the real truth
447
00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:56,840
Helen, what does it matter now.
448
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,340
The Coach got his gym,
449
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:00,840
and his son feels closer
to his father than ever.
450
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,850
All right.
Well, I gotta go
451
00:21:02,850 --> 00:21:04,350
'cause I'm meeting Bud
at my place.
452
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:05,850
What for?
453
00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:08,350
Uh, I'm letting him borrow some
earrings for the funeral.
454
00:21:11,350 --> 00:21:14,860
Hey, guys. Uh, listen,
I was over at the drugstore
455
00:21:14,860 --> 00:21:17,360
and they had these pictures
ready for you.
456
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:18,860
Pictures?
457
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:22,370
Uh, listen, Lowell, you didn't
take a look at them did you?
458
00:21:22,370 --> 00:21:23,870
No, no. None of my business.
459
00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:31,870
Uh, hm, so, uh,
is there anything else, Lowell?
460
00:21:31,870 --> 00:21:33,880
Well, Joe...
461
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:40,880
I think we talked about a raise.
462
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:42,890
( upbeat theme playing )
463
00:21:51,360 --> 00:22:02,910
( upbeat piano theme playing )
30842
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