Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Attention all Sandpiper passengers,

To allow us to better interface with other carriers,

starting today, we are changing our flight numbers

to three digits.

So check your tickets.

The flight that's boarding, flight 19,

will be flight 486.

Uh, uh, no, wait a minute.

Uh, uh, uh, 486 is flight 20.

Flight 19 is 562.

I mean, 265.

N-n-no, uh, wait, uh,

265 is, 14, 19 is...

Oh, the hell with it.

We have a plane leaving in five minutes

if you want to get off this damn island,

but be on it.

Has anyone seen Brian? He's supposed to

take a flight in five minutes.

I'm sorry, Joe, I haven't seen him yet.

Eight thirty in the morning,

my guess is he's circling

somewhere over Alex,

waiting for permission to land.

Hey, guys.

Listen, I-I need your opinion about something, um...

You think Sylvan is a good name for a little boy?

Only if he's a little boy who doesn't mind bleeding.

Uh, why are you reading 1001 Names To Give Your Child?

Cause' there's a baby on the way,

I can't avoid my responsibility.

Give me 50 bucks, I'll get ya five guys

who'll swear they were with her.

It's not my baby, Roy,

it's my sister's.

Oh, was, uh, this the sister with the webbed fingers?

No, it isn't.

That's Trina.

And it's webbed toes.

Uh, babies due any day now,

and it's a Mather family tradition

for the godfather, that's me,

to name the baby.

Oh, well, remember, Lowell,

you wanna make sure that the first and last name

sound good together.

What's your sisters last name?

Mather.

Oh, Lowell, I think she means her married name.

Oh...

Mather.

Wait a moment, uh...

she married a Mather?

Trust me, this is a family tree

you do not wanna climb.

Lowell, please tell me that your sister is not marrying

your brother, or something.

No, no. That didn't work out.

Ah, what's the big deal? They're third cousins.

I mean, the way you guys are carrying on,

you'd think she'd married a perfect stranger.

Well, you know, Eleanor and Franklin Roosevelt were cousins.

Hm. Yet another similarity

between the Roosevelts and the Mathers.

Go right through gate one.

Hey, hey.

Hey, what--? I know, I know,

I know, I know, I'm late, I'm late, all right.

Just gimme two seconds, I was over at, uh, Alex's.

What, you overslept?

Not exactly.

Oh, all right, you scored with your own girlfriend.

What a stud.

Listen, I had to go home, shower, get my stuff,

but relax, I'm here.

But look at you, you know.

A pilot is supposed to instill

confidence in the passengers.

Excuse me, I don't instill confidence?

You're wearing two different shoes.

I'm making a statement.

Yeah, you're saying "Look at me, I'm an idiot."

Bri, I'm glad I caught you here,

you left your, uh, wallet at my place.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, oh, oh, and this.

I missed you.

I missed you.

You're gonna miss the flight.

The hell with it.

Listen, Brian,

You go home, get cleaned up.

You can take the 10:00, I'll take this flight.

I think it'd be a hell of a lot easier

if you two just moved in together.

( chuckles )

Boy, you believe him.

Yeah, us living together, ha.

Although, I mean, it's not such a...

far-out idea, huh?

Well, have you thought about it?

Well, not really.

Well, maybe we should think about it for a minute.

Okay.

Yeah, 1078.

What?

Ceiling tiles.

So, what do you think?

I think Lowell's got...

way too much time on his hands.

No, I-I guess I think moving in together

would be a pretty good idea.

Sure would beat racing across

town every morning just to pick up underwear.

Yeah. My place is much closer to the airport.

We do spend almost every night there together anyway.

I can't think of a reason not to do it.

Me neither.

So that's it.

I guess we're moving in together.

I guess we are.

( both chuckle )

I think this is gonna be great.

Oh, me too, me too.

Hey, Lowell, guess what?

We're moving in together.

Okay.

Now I can take down that giant picture

I have of you on my wall.

No, Lowell, I-I meant, Brian and me.

Okay.

That is what I meant.

What are you doing?

I'm moving in my speakers, What's it look like?

Like you're a roadie for Metallica.

Brian, you don't have to do all this tonight.

Yeah, I know, I know. I just, um...

Makes me feel settled in,

and I don't wanna leave your room a mess.

Brian, it's not just my room anymore,

it's our room.

Right, right, right.

So, uh...

where should we put our speakers?

How about out our window?

( laughing )

Oh, this is gonna be great.

It's gonna be great. It's gonna be great.

W-what is that?

Uh, this is a hamper,

just hooks on to the back of the old door, and...

Two points!

Yeah!

Here, you try it, it's cool

Are these clean?

I don't know, smell 'em.

Yeah, this is gonna be great.

( chuckles )

Hm.

Oh, man.

Hey, this is perfect.

You know, I just got here and already,

I feel really at home.

I think this is gonna be great.

ALEX: Me too.

Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Wh-What--? What is that?

It's my retainer.

I'm trying to fix my underbite.

And-- And why haven't I seen it before?

Well, I never wore it when you stayed here but,

you know, now that you'll be here every night.

( laughs )

Got any more surprises in store for me?

Maybe. Huh.

So how do you wanna spend our first night living together?

In total darkness.

Lowell, you still got that book.

Haven't picked out a name yet?

No.

But I-I've narrowed it down to three.

Kelbo, which means persecuted and afflicted.

Maurice, which means gangster love.

And Felix,

which means wonderful, wonderful cat.

What do you think?

Oh, well, um, Lowell, I can see

that you'd given it a lot of thought.

Give it some more.

Hey, you know what name I've always liked?

Burt.

You know, like a-- Like a Burt Lancaster.

Burt Reynolds.

Nobody messes with the Burt.

Although, they-- They--

They push around an Antonio.

You know, they...

They call him names like, uh, Antonio Balonio and...

smelly boy.

Those heartless punks steal an Antonio's milk money

and flick his ears in the cold.

They never pull that crap on a Burt!

And, uh, if it's a girl, I like Heather.

JOE: Hey, Antonio.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Hi, Fay. Hi, Joe.

How's life without Brian?

Ah, it's great. As a matter of fact,

I'm trying to decide what to do with his room.

What do you think about

a multimedia entertainment center?

You know, a place to put my TV.

Oh. Heh.

Oh, well, if it's any help,

when my first husband George died,

I turned his den into a sewing room.

Then when I married my second husband George,

he turned my sewing room back into a den.

And when I married George the third,

he turned my den back into a sewing room.

He was an odd duck, but...

it was worth it.

He made this blouse.

Uh-huh. Mm-hm.

Have, uh, you seen Brian?

Oh, yes, he's out in the hanger.

He's asleep on the wing of the plane.

Brian. Brian, Brian.

Hey, hey. Ah.

Hey, hey, hey, Joe. How ya doing?

Whoo! Wow, I just dreamt that Alex smiled at me,

and instead of teeth,

she had the grill work from a '52 Buick.

What--? What are you doing out here?

Agh, just trying to catch a little nap.

Haven't slept very well

since she and I moved in together.

HELEN: Wow.

Alex, you okay? You look white.

I am so tired.

I haven't gotten any sleep since Brian moved in.

( sleazy chuckle )

Up all night getting sweaty, huh?

Tell me about it.

Please, Roy.

No, I mean it, tell me about it.

I just don't get it.

I've never had trouble sleeping.

No, what's the big deal, Lambert?

I've never minded staying up all night because of a woman.

Well, you don't have a choice,

if you dozed off, she'd escape.

What do you mean she sniffs?

She sniffs.

( sniffing loudly )

Like this.

You know, it's horrible.

And it goes on all night long.

Well, you slept over there before,

never bothered you.

Before, I wasn't worried that I'd have to listen to it

for the rest of my life.

Oh, so what if he clears his throat?

I mean, everybody does that.

( clears throat )

It's a little more like this.

Agch! Agch!

I mean, if it's that bad now,

imagine how bad it'll be in 40 years.

She wears this contraption on her face.

He has speakers the size of Stonehenge.

What did she say when you told her?

I didn't tell her, I didn't want her to think I had doubts.

I couldn't tell him, I didn't want him to think I'm not happy.

I don't know, maybe I-I rushed into this thing.

M-Maybe I should just go home and live with you.

No! No. N-no, no.

Look, uh...

You're just probably nervous about starting something new.

You know, honey, I think you're worrying about this too much.

You and Alex were meant to be together,

and once you get over this little bump in the road,

nothing is gonna be able to come between a great couple like you.

Now, I-I know in my heart that this is right.

You really don't want me to come home, do you?

More than words can say.

Oh, Lowell, I heard your sister had the baby.

Congratulations.

Oh, yeah. Congratulations, Lowell.

Yeah, it's great.

But she threw me a curve, she went and had twins.

Now I gotta come up with two names.

It's no big deal, Lowell, you'll come up with another name.

But everybody knows that twins' names are supposed to rhyme.

You know, if I call him Leon,

can't very well call her Neon.

Or Freon.

Lowell, look.

Or Peon.

Lowell, wait. Listen...

Just because they're twins,

doesn't mean their names have to rhyme.

I mean, you don't have to name them, you know, like,

Nancy and Fancy.

Hey.

Nancy and Fancy.

Thanks, Joe. You're a lifesaver.

Years from now, when a large, angry man

named Fancy Mathers comes looking for you,

Hide.

Well, I'll tell you,

that Alex can be really rude.

What's wrong?

I-I was telling her about my husband's sewing room,

and she fell asleep right in front of me.

You're kidding?

Someone actually slept through that riveting sewing room story?

Oh, I'm sorry it's not as fascinating

as the one about the free hoagie you won

at Fat Tony's Meatball Dream House.

Boy, Alex and Brian are really going through

some tough times.

Oh, big surprise.

Why would Hackett wanna

hook himself up with one woman anyway?

Isn't half the fun of being single

the thrill of the hunt?

Making eye contact with a woman

across a crowded room.

Wondering if she's as hot for you, as you are for her.

Wondering if-- She'll take a check,

or insist on cash.

Let me tell you something,

Roy Biggins doesn't pay for it.

The Roy Biggins Corporation does.

Well, guess it's a good thing

that, uh, you and I never moved in together.

( chuckles ) What do you mean?

Think we would've driven each other crazy.

What do you mean?

Well, as I recall,

one of us was just a teeny bit petty and controlling.

Well, I think that's because one of us was just

a tad rigidly set in his ways.

Oh, maybe if one of us hadn't smothered the other one

with constant attention--

Yeah, well, maybe one of us just did that

because the other one was so--

Let's see, what's the word I'm looking for? Cold!

You want a word? I'll give you one. How about "needy"?

How about unromantic! Insecure!

Egotistical!

We had some great times, didn't we?

Yes.

Hey, Helen.

What's wrong?

( sighs )

I haven't slept, I'm not eating.

I'm worried that Brian and I

rushed into this living together thing

and I don't wanna hurt him but...

maybe I should ask him to move out.

Oh, no. No, no, there's no way.

You're not coming home.

You mean, as in, uh,

Thomas Wolfe, uh, You Can't Go Home Again.

No, Joe Hackett, There's a Pool Table In Your Bedroom.

Um, well, maybe you should talk to him.

Hi, babe. How you doing?

Ah, well, um,

I gotta be really honest with you, uh,

Joey wants me to move back in with him.

I-it's incredible.

I mean, I don't know what's going on, he--

He's really depressed, but I think it would be better

if I went back and spent a few nights with him, you know.

That's awful, um, but I understand,

and if a couple nights isn't enough,

I mean, really, you should take as much time as you need.

I don't want to come between you and your brother.

Okay, great. Great. You know, it's only temporary, right?

As soon as he feels better, we'll--

We'll pick up right where we left off.

Absolutely.

Thanks. Thanks.

Yeah, I'll be over later,

pick up some stuff, okay.

This is gonna make Joe so happy.

Joey, I'm moving back home.

Oh, come on, don't cry.

You know, you haven't even tried to make this work.

Sometimes I think I'm the only one

who has an investment in this relationship.

Oh, hey, I didn't hear you come in.

I-I just brought Joey along

just to help us move a few thing, you know?

Make it easier.

Good idea.

Uh, Joey, you wanna start with the speakers?

Brian, this room is really nice, are you sure you don't--

J-Just take the speakers down to your car.

( grunts )

Well, um, I-- I guess I'll get my stuff

out of the drawer.

It's okay, I already put it in the box.

Oh, that was thoughtful of you.

Uh, I probably wont need to take everything with me,

because I'm gonna be coming back.

Course, you will.

Who we kidding.

You're not coming back.

Listen, Alex, uh...

I gotta be honest with you, now this..

This living together thing,

just didn't work out the way I thought it would.

Yeah, I know.

What happened?

I think we're both afraid.

Afraid of what?

Of, of... where it might lead to.

The next step after living together.

You mean marriage.

Ugh, that's the one.

I just wanna go on record:

( panting ): I really think you two kids belong together.

Well, who said that living together

has to lead to marriage?

So you're not automatically assuming

that if we live together, we would get--

Married? Yeah.

No. Ah, God.

( chuckling ): No.

Really?

Well, then, I-I don't wanna leave.

I don't want you to leave.

( Joe panting )

Joey...

I'm staying.

( sighs )

That's great.

I'll get the speakers.

Ah, God.

Why didn't we talk like this

when we decided to move in together?

I don't know. We should have just been honest, you know?

Y-Y-Yeah, now that we are being honest though,

I-I-I just gotta tell you this.

That thing you wear on your face at night...

boy, it-- It scares me.

Fair enough, but as long as we're being honest,

your underwear hoop...

Yeah.

( chuckling ): Grow up.

Okay. Okay, uh...

It's my turn again now though.

Go ahead.

I-I think--

I am so happy that you're not coming home.

I mean, that...

you two worked things out.

You know that sniffing thing you do when you're sleeping?

I really wish you'd stop that, it's driving me nuts.

I'll stop sniffing if you stop that

clearing the throat thing.

That "Agch!"

What the hell have you got in there anyway?

Well, it's not half as bad as the, uh:

( snorting loudly )

You know, rooting for truffles.

If it bothered you so much,

why did you pressure me into living together?

What? You're the one who--

You practically begged me to move in with you.

If that's the way you feel,

then maybe this is a mistake.

We shouldn't live together.

Yeah, maybe we shouldn't!

Where do you want this? Downstairs.

What? I'm outta here man.

Oh, man.

BRIAN: So, uh...

So that's it, huh?

Guess so.

Yeah, guess so.

So, what does this mean?

Well, I guess it means that we're through.

It does?

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, after living together, you can go back to just dating.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

So now, uh, what do we do?

Oh, I don't wanna break up.

Me neither.

Then what are we doing?

I don't know, Alex, I--

I just think we could probably work this thing out

if we just tried a little harder, you know?

And we're honest with each other.

Look, we fight pretty well.

Yeah, we make up great.

Yeah.

Now if we just worked a little harder on the middle stuff, huh?

I will if you will.

So you're staying?

Yeah, I'm staying.

Oh, no.

Is this a "take the speaker kiss"

or "get the speaker kiss"?

Good news, Joey, I'm staying.

You can bring the other speaker upstairs.

All right, but, could you get me a glass of water, first?

What am I, your slave?

( upbeat piano theme playing )