Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

God, I hate the off-season.

You know, if we don't get some customers soon,

I don't know how I'm going to make it through.

Oh, you people are pathetic.

If any of you had a lick of business sense,

you could just ride it out like I do.

You want to know my secret?

ALL: No.

I scare my employees into thinking I'm gonna lay 'em off,

then, when I agree to keep them on,

at half-pay,

they're so grateful they'll do whatever I want.

Oh, they don't actually fall for that.

Okay, Roy, I-I scraped your shower grout,

and I drained your septic tank,

and I de-wormed your dog.

Lowell, you don't have to do those disgusting jobs for Roy,

and, uh, what's with the outfit?

I'm an Aeromass junior executive trainee.

Nice work, junior.

Now get down to the old folks' home,

give my mom her foot massage.

Gotcha.

You know, I thought I was going to have to start at the bottom.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

HELEN: Hey. How was your flight?

JOE: What flight?

One measly passenger.

Some woman trying to leave her husband.

Last minute the guy runs out, they have a tearful reunion,

go home to their kids.

You think they thought about my feelings for one minute?

Brian? You ready to go?

BRIAN: Yeah, let's go.

HELEN: So where are you two off to?

Who says we're going anywhere?

I mean, we're going somewhere, it's just nowhere special, okay?

Well, enjoy yourselves.

What is that supposed to mean?

( Brian stutters )

Alex. We'll see you guys later.

Have a nice time. So long.

You people just can't leave it alone, can you?

Alex, come on. Shh.

Fine, fine, I guess you'll find out eventually.

( laughing)

ALEX: Go ahead, make your cracks.

ROY: I recognize that outfit, ho-ho.

You're a serving wench down at King Arthur's Bar & Grill.

( laughing )

Yes, Roy, I am. Are you happy?

Ecstatic.

Look at me. I demean myself. I'm a lowly waitress. Shh.

Well, thank you, Alex.

Oh, no, no.

I mean, I didn't mean it that way.

It's just that-- My helicopter business has been so bad

that I have to, you know, do something to make ends meet.

That's okay, Alex,

you wouldn't believe some of the things we've done

to get through the off-season.

Yeah, oh. I remember one year business was so bad,

I had to take a job as a private pilot,

and, uh,

well, let me just tell you, never work for a celebrity.

( piano theme playing )

Uh, shouldn't he be in a cage or something?

Don't worry.

JOE: Well, how-- How do I know that

all of a sudden he won't think my head's a coconut?

As long as I'm here, Mr. Bongo is fine.

Oh, good.

So I understand these little guys

have the strength of four men.

Six.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Uh, would you tell him to give me back my hat?

Oh, he's just bored.

He usually watches a movie, but, uh,

not in this bucket.

Look, I happen to think that this plane is plenty good enough

for Mr. Bongo. I'm the pilot, I give the orders here.

And I want my hat back.

MAN: Okay, Bongo, give him back his hat.

Thank you.

( gibbers )

MAN: Actually, he's behaving

very well.

Coming in from Paris some stewardess tried to bump him

back into coach and he went nuts.

What was he doing in Paris?

Bongo was representing the United States

at an economic summit.

What do you think he was doing? His act.

JOE: So, what does he do?

Wear a dress and rollerskate?

Please. That old cliche?

This chimp's a class act.

( raspberrys )

Obviously.

Most chimps use their feet to do that.

Bongo, I told you.

That and the other thing we do not do in public.

JOE: Look, uh,

I want you to know that

I usually run my own airline--

I, uh-- I, uh--

( clears throat )

I don't usually do this kind of work.

You know, it is the slow season, and, well, things, you know,

taper off, but you understand how that is, right?

Right?

Come on, come on. Wake up.

Aren't you supposed to be watching

Mr. Bongo over here?

Hey, hey, come on, wake up.

( gibbering )

Ah.

Ah, great, great.

The man controlling the animal is out cold.

All right.

Okay, Joe.

Don't be nervous. Just-- Just relax.

Everything's going to be fine.

So, I gotta tell you,

Planet of the Apes is my favorite movie.

Y-Y-You're right--

You're right. That was a very unconvincing ape-- Uh, chimp--

Uh-- Uh-uh, uh, what's--? What's politcally correct?

"Simian American?"

( gibbers )

So, hey, if people use monkey wrenches,

what do monkeys use? People wrenches? Heh.

Okay, okay, all right.

Listen, uh,

Darwin's theory of evolution. Any thoughts?

( squealing )

No, no, no, no. I don't believe in it either.

Hey.

Hey, now listen here.

You listen to me, you hairy little runt,

I don't care how big you are in Europe,

you calm down right now.

I mean it.

Hey, I will turn this plane around.

If I have to come back there,

you are going to be in big trouble.

You want me to pull over--

God, I sound just like father.

All right, look.

Look.

There's no movie.

There's no in-flight meal. What the hell do you want?

( gibbers )

Oh, no. No, no, no.

There is no way that you are flying this plane.

( piano theme playing )

You happy now?

Aw, I still cannot believe you let a monkey fly that plane.

Why not, he lets you fly it.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( laughing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Well, of course the off-season

is a difficult time for everyone. I mean,

we've all had to take on jobs that we weren't thrilled with,

but speaking for myself, I've always made it a point

not to do anything that was beneath my dignity.

Oh, really.

Well, Fay, that's not how I remember it.

( piano theme playing )

For the best lobster you've ever got your claws on,

get your tail down to Bernie's Lobster Bucket.

Just tell them, uh, Lucy the Lobster sent you

and get a free oyster shooter.

( piano theme playing )

Funny, I'd completely forgotten that.

Thanks so much for reminding me.

Come on, Fay, it wasn't that bad,

at least you got a date out of it.

Yeah, he invited me over to his hotel room,

wanted me to wear the outfit.

Well, Fay, that's still better than the job I had.

One year I was so broke I had to work as a salesman,

but I couldn't sell a thing.

I'd never been so desperate in my life.

This-- This all looks so wonderful.

I never realized that

one company could handle all my funeral needs.

Ah, yes.

Absolutely.

And at a fair price.

As we say, at Whispering Pines Mortuary,

we'll put you under without putting you under.

( chuckles )

Funny.

Uh, uh, now, uh, when it comes to caskets,

well, we have many different models to choose from.

Which one's the best?

Well, that would be the "El Presidente,"

but it's very expensive.

I'll take it.

You're kidding. No.

( gasps )

You won't be sorry.

Now, uh, have you given any thought to, uh, burial plot?

No, but I suppose I'm gonna need a place to park

that El Presidente.

( both chuckling )

Well, we have a wide range of eternal resting places

to choose from. Which one's the best?

That would be the "Ponderosa."

Oh, the Ponderosa. Gimmie one of those.

Really?

( chuckles )

Thank you.

Do you know what I'd like?

I'd like a-- A mausoleum. Could I have a mausoleum?

You bet'cha.

What's the top of the line?

The "Taj Mahal."

Oh.

Oh, I like the sound of that, gimmie the Taj.

Okay.

Okay, let's see, that's one El Presedente,

one Ponderosa, and a Taj Mahal.

Anything else?

What's left?

Only thing missing is, uh, you.

( both laughing )

So, well, uh, yeah.

It's a little pricey.

Oh, that's no problem,

I got my check book right here.

Ah, okay.

Well, um, you know, one more big sale like this

and I qualify to win a trip to Aruba.

Oh, you'll love it.

I went there with my pinochle club.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you for choosing Whispering Pines.

Oh, you're welcome. Buh-bye.

Bye.

Sorry, I forgot my pen and I just--

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

Nothing.

You're trying to kill yourself.

No, I'm not.

Who are you kidding?

You have a rope around your neck.

Oh, it's-- It's no big deal. It's just that--

Well, I have nothing to live for.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

There must be something.

What about your lovely wife?

I caught her in bed with my brother.

Ooh, that's gotta hurt.

What about these beautiful children?

Daughter's a hooker, son's in a cult.

Anything else? This is starting to chafe.

Okay, okay.

What about your business?

You provide a service to people.

Where would the world be without, uh, without--

It doesn't matter.

My partner embezzled every dime, ran off with our secretary.

I'm-- I'm in debt up to my eyeballs.

God, this is the saddest story.

Hold on a sec.

If you're so broke,

how could you write me this check?

Don't worry, my life insurance will cover it.

Oh, good.

They-- They don't pay off on suicide.

They don't?

Of course not.

If they did I would have killed myself months ago.

Some nice guy.

You going to stick me with a bum check.

Aw, now I made you angry.

Angry? Why should I be angry?

Just because you screwed me out of a fat commission

and a free vacation?

Look, I'm sorry.

Sorry ain't gonna get my butt to Aruba, pal.

I wish I was dead.

Oh, hey, now, urk--

Look, wait a minute, now. That's crazy-talk.

You don't mean that.

Yes, I do. I'm a failure.

Aw, no.

You must have something to live for.

You've got a good job.

I sell funeral plots to crazy people.

Well, what about your lovely wife?

Don't even have a girlfriend.

Last woman I went out with, since become a man.

You know, I always wondered how they did that.

What difference does it make?

Sorry.

God. We're quite a pair, huh?

You're telling me. We're pathetic.

I tell ya what.

I want to help you somehow.

How about if I-- I don't kill myself.

What good would that do?

Unless-- Unless--

--you still want the funeral arrangement.

Well, it's tempting, but if-- If I don't kill myself

there's no way I can afford it.

I just can't catch a break in this country.

( piano theme playing )

Wow. Antonio, you saved that man's life.

That was so clever of you

to make your life sound so horrible.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, you know,

I had to think of something.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Right.

Okay, Roy, I visited your mom at the home

and I gave her that, uh, foot massage.

Lowell, this is ridiculous.

You're not a management trainee, you're a slave.

Even if that were true, Fay, it's the off-season.

I mean, what else am I going to do?

Well, they need another serving wench down at King Arthur's.

Well, it's a pretty outfit,

but I don't think I have the hips for it.

Uh, I want to hear

Chapel tell the story of her worst job.

Oh, well, you can forget it, because you're not going to.

ALL: Aw, come on.

Hey, hey, hey, everybody back off.

Back off. No, no.

If Helen doesn't want to tell the story,

then she doesn't have to tell the story.

Thank you.

I'll tell it.

About three years ago, uh,

there was a friend of mine

who was a magician, used to put on magic shows,

you know, for-- Make some side money.

Taught me a few tricks.

And the night he was supposed to perform at Roy's lodge,

his props arrived, but he didn't.

So I filled in.

And as you can see,

allakhazam,

the cane is gone. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

For my next trick, I will--

Bring on the broad!

( hooting, applause )

I will bring on the broad.

I give you, my lovely and talented assistant,

Helena!

( whistling, cheering )

The Amazing Brian needs a moment.

Helen, come on, I'm dying out here. Come on!

I changed my mind.

I don't want those jerks to see me in this.

There are 200 Roys out there.

Helen, Helen,

try to remember why we're doing this, okay?

We need the money.

Okay, how much am I getting again?

Oh, we're getting 100 apiece.

Okay, let's just do this and get it over with.

See? I mean, and that-- That-- That dress--

That dress is not revealing at all.

It's not, it's not.

Okay, so, uh,

fluff up your tassels and, uh, let's go.

( cheering, hooting )

O-o-o-okay.

Okay, okay.

And now for our fabulous, phenomenal, fantastic--

Get on with it.

Here's our next thing.

You can see my lovely and talented assistant Helena--

( cheering, hooting )

Wait, wait, wait, what are you doing?

We're not doing the box-thing yet.

I'm not gonna let these guys stare at me.

Apparently we're moving on to the grand finale.

( whistling, cheering )

The Chinese chamber of doom,

which, as you can see,

contains the gorgeous body of the lovely Helena.

( cheering, hooting )

Can I get in there with her?

What a bunch of jerks.

Observe carefully these razor sharp swords

as I thrust them into

the box!

Say, we getting paid in cash?

Helen, you have swords going through you,

look like you're enjoying it.

Please note that these razor sharp swords are

piercing the tender flesh of the lovely Helena.

( hooting, cheering )

"Helena." ( hooting, cheering )

That's what I thought.

Get off the stage, ya bum.

( sword sliding out )

Well, thank you, thank you.

You've been a glorious audience,

and remember, when in doubt, designated driver.

( booing )

Hold on.

( whistles )

Hold on.

I'll see if I can get this show on the road, now. Hold on.

Open it.

It's stuck. It's stuck?

ROY: Hey, hey, hey, Hackett.

Get yourself over here, come on. Wait--

Stay here, I'll be right back.

No, don't leave me here.

Hackett, Hackett, you are in trouble here.

What are you talking about?

This is a stag party. They want to see a stripper.

Fine, so bring on a stripper.

She's already on.

( chuckles nervously )

Not the lovely Helena.

Damn right not the lovely Helena.

You guys better work something out,

because these guys are expecting a show.

Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry.

Just sit tight. Sit tight. I'll get the car. I'll be--

Yeah, get the car. Okay, okay.

( sultry music playing )

( cheering, hooting )

CROWD: We want Helena.

We want Helena.

We want Helena. We want Helena.

( cheering )

Cut the music.

( music cuts out )

You people should be ashamed of yourselves,

and Buzz Crandle.

What are you doing here?

I went to elementary school with you.

I know your wife and your kids.

And Roy Biggins,

well, you're a bad example.

But you, you're my dentist.

And reverend...

...need I say more.

Now.

Can you people actually tell me that the highlight of your week

is going to be me taking my clothes off?

ALL: Yeah!

( sultry music playing )

Oh, I see.

You're throwing money.

You're bribing me?

Let me tell you something.

This is appalling, this is despicable,

this is...a 20.

Not now, Brian. What the hell are you doing?

Just shut up and pick up the money.

So you were naked and trapped in the box?

How did you get out?

Well, Brian strapped me to the roof of his jeep,

and then he brought me back here

and Lowell cut me out with a power saw.

And he peaked.

All right, all right, maybe I did peak.

Might I say I was more than a little disappointed.

Well, thank you, Lowell. Yeah.

Once you see inside that chamber of doom,

it really takes the mystery out of that sword trick.

You know, I feel better knowing

that you guys did stupider things than I'm doing.

I guess King Arthur's Bar & Grill doesn't seem so bad.

Ready, Brian? BRIAN: Yeah.

HELEN: See you guys later.

Bye. Have fun.

At least we made her feel better. I think so.

So, uh, anybody got plans for tonight?

No. No?

What do you think?

Want to catch a movie? ALL: Nah.

Bowling?

Not me. ALL: Nah.

Go down to King Arthur's,

make fun of Alex wearing that dopey dress?

Now you're talking.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )