Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Your attention please, ladies and gentlemen.

Announcing the departure of Sandpiper Flight 20

to Martha's Vineyard and New Bedford.

We request that passengers needing assistance

or traveling with small children,

please board at this time.

Fay.

Yes, Joe?

First of all, that was a lovely announcement.

Ha-ha. Thank you. Yeah, um,

but we don't have anyone on Flight 20,

and there's not even anyone here.

( chuckles )

I gue-- I guess I'm just a creature of habit.

It was 9 a.m.,

and I automatically announced Flight 20.

( chuckles )

It's kind of silly, isn't it?

( chuckles )

Sorry, Fay.

( laughs )

( airplane flies overhead )

Attention, please. Flight 20 has been canceled.

W-- Ha-ha. I-I just, uh--

Needed closure.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uh, Helen, what--? What are you working on?

I'm working on a new menu.

Um, when I was in New York with Davis,

he took me to this restaurant

where everything was named after celebrities.

So I thought it might be fun to try it

with the people around here.

I've got

Helen's Hash Browns,

( chuckles )

Sloppy Joe Hackett.

Ha-ha. Get it?

Ah, did you, uh--?

Did you happen to name anything after me?

I sure did.

Antonio's Spaghetti and Meatballs.

How long did it take you to come up with that one?

You-- You-- You just-- You just look at the Italian guy,

and immediately think "meatball"?

No, I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to offend you.

Um, let's just forget about that, okay?

Here, what can I get you for lunch?

Mamma mia, I don't-a know.

How about a nice-a pizza pie?

Well, I don't know why Antonio was so upset.

I think it's a lovely idea.

Thank you.

Are you gonna name anything after me?

I-- I already did. ( chuckles )

Fay's Bran Muffin.

I'm a bran muffin?

Well, you know, you order one every morning.

Well, does the whole world have to know that?

Helen, what am I? What am I? What am I?

Well,

actually, Lowell, I-I-I don't know--

I-- I'm gonna make the menu, right?

I mean, you're not gonna leave me out, are you?

Oh, no. No, of course not.

Um, as a matter of fact, you can be any food you want.

Whoa. Okay, that's a big responsibility.

I'm gonna take a little time with this. You know?

I mean, I-I have to be something that's low in cholesterol.

And no fat.

And I have to be easy to digest.

I mean, I don't want anybody waking up

in the middle of the night saying,

"Boy, that Lowell Mather gave me gas."

I really enjoyed your helicopter tour.

When it got a little choppy up there,

I hope I didn't squeeze your hand too hard.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm actually starting to get

some feeling back into my fingers.

( both chuckle )

Uh, listen, I'm gonna be in Nantucket a couple of days.

Uh, any chance you might be free for dinner?

Hey that's-- That's really nice.

But, uh, the fact is I'm-- I'm seeing someone.

Hey, baby. Hi.

Hey.

Oh, well,

you can't blame a guy for trying.

( chuckles )

What was that all about?

Oh, he just-- He just asked me out.

What do you mean he asked you out?

Relax, I said no. Yeah, but I--

I'm not sure I like the idea of other guys asking you out.

Of course, you know, if you wanna go out with other guys,

you can.

Well, I didn't say that.

What, are you trying to get rid of me?

No, I just wanted to give you your space.

I didn't ask you for space.

Wait a minute.

Is this your way of telling me

that you want more space?

No, I didn't say that.

I don't wanna go out with other women.

Well, I don't wanna go out with other guys. I'm perfectly happy.

I'm perfectly happy with you.

I've never been happier in my whole life.

I've never been happier, either.

Fine. Why don't we just see each other, then?

Okay. All right.

Wait a second. Hold it.

Something important just happened here.

Heh. What was it?

I think we just agreed

to have an exclusive relationship.

Right. Haven't we been doing that already?

Yeah, but we made it official.

Official?

We're not engaged, are we?

No, but that look of terror on your face is very flattering.

Oh, come on.

Come on. I didn't mean it that way, you know?

Why don't you take your foot out of your mouth

so you can kiss me?

All right.

Hey, guys,

I'm sorry to interrupt, but, listen,

recently I've been given the opportunity

to become a food.

So I-I just wanted to run

these ideas past you.

Okay, Lowell Melt.

Lowell Kabob.

Or Lowell Slaw.

Okay, good idea.

You get back to me later.

( mellow piano theme playing )

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that sounds great.

Hey, Joe. Joe, Something big just happened to me, man.

Can you--? Can you hold on for just one second? What?

( sighs ) Okay.

Alex and I, uh,

just took a very big step in our relationship.

You got engaged!

No! No. No, no, no, no, no. Nothing like that.

We just, uh--

We, uh, decided that we were gonna only date each other.

Oh. Isn't that what you've been doing?

Yeah, kinda, but, uh,

you know, we decided to make it official.

Oh, great. So, Audrey...

Audrey, I'll, uh--

I'll see you tomorrow night, okay?

Wait-- Yeah, all right.

Yeah, bye-bye. Audrey. Audrey--

The redhead with the legs?

No, the short, stumpy Audrey.

Wowee. Wow.

Wait, wait, wait. I-- I thought you were dating Cindy.

Well, I am. Saturday.

In case you're interested, Sunday--

Yeah?

--I'm goin' out with Dana.

( laughs ) Wait, Cindy and Dana?

And now, don't forget Audrey.

But hey, you and Alex, man. That is great news.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I'm real-- I'm real happy about it.

Well, I'm happy for you. Yeah, me too.

You don't think that I'm moving too fast, do you?

No, I just said I thought it was great.

I do too. I feel great. You should.

Well, I do. Don't I?

Yeah, of course I do.

Hey, I gotta pick up

this charter in Boston. All right.

Yeah, fine, pick up that charter, but listen, um,

what you said earlier...

Uh, I'm doing a good thing, right?

Absolutely. Okay, 'cause I'm--

I'm real happy about me and Alex.

Good, because I'm real happy

about me, Cindy, Audrey, Dana and Michelle.

There's a Michelle?

Oh, didn't I mention her? Oh, yeah, Sunday brunch.

So, um, Alex is outside, right?

'Cause I wanna congratulate her too.

Yeah. Stay away from her. She's all I got.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Helen, uh,

I hear you're, uh,

naming items on your menu

after people who work around here.

Right. ( chuckles )

What am I? Heh.

Oh, you're the jumbo turkey leg.

Is that some kind of crack?

No, it's because you order it practically every day.

I don't wanna be that.

All right, Roy. Fine. What do you wanna be?

A salad.

Have you ever seen a salad?

Okay, fine. You are a salad.

Okay, what do you want for lunch?

The Roy Salad.

And-- And-- And the

jumbo turkey leg.

HELEN: Hey, Brian. Hey.

I heard about you and Alex making it official.

You got engaged!

No! No, no, no, no, just, uh--

Just dating exclusively now.

Congratulations. I think that's great.

You made a really good decision.

Thank you. I did.

Didn't I?

Well, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna name something on my menu after you two.

How about the Alex and Brian Soup and Sandwich Combo?

Hm.

I'm a salad.

( Brian chuckles nervously )

Combo.

Well, I mean, the-- The-- The--

The sandwich and the soup

don't always have to be together, right?

I mean, sometimes the sandwich might wanna be by itself.

Is that so bad?

I mean, it could spend some time with the chips,

or maybe just, uh, it's off-hours with the pickle.

I mean, why does the sandwich always have to be with the soup?

It doesn't, does it?

Brian, are you having doubts about this Alex thing?

Where'd you--? What? No. Where would you get that from?

When two people feel for each other

the way Alex and I feel for each other--

How're you doin'? I mean, you know, when there's--

When there's trust

and when there's love, and there's--

There's trust.

Great deal of trust there.

There's, uh...

What? Where--? Where--? Where was I?

The same place as me.

In a steamin' shower, soapin' up that blond chick.

( groans )

Hey, Brian, remember:

You have a great relationship with Alex.

Oh, you're right. You're right. I've got a great woman.

I am not missing a thing.

Come on in.

( Brian chuckles ) Hey, Joey, come here.

What are these women?

Fashion models.

JOE: That was the charter I picked up. Can you believe it?

Wha--?

Right this way, ladies.

Th-this is a test, right?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

WOMAN: Okay.

WOMAN: That's it. Chins up.

That's it. Come on. There we go.

All right, Zarina, honey, wipe off the lip-gloss.

You look like you've been suckin' on a squid.

Hey, the plane was a good idea, Hackett.

Cigarette?

Uh, no, thanks. I don't smoke.

Don't lecture me.

Marjean. Marjean!

You look like you're posing.

Come on, now. I want you to look natural.

You know, like you normally do when you're huggin' a propeller.

Yeah.

You know, back when I was a model,

I wouldn't have taken a crap job like this.

You were a model?

Is that so hard to believe?

No. No, no, I think

that's what I would've guessed.

You know, model,

stewardess,

longshoreman.

All right. Good, good, good. Everybody off.

Let's see. Uh, you stay. Everybody else move.

Tiffany, come here.

I want you to grab this wrench, and, uh,

screw around here with the plane,

make like you're fixing the propeller.

Oh, yes, that's cute.

That's cute.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, Joe.

How come I'm never consulted

when a new mechanic's hired?

No, no, no, Lowell. Look, you don't understand.

No, I understand perfectly.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out

how this one got the job.

Hey, uh, Joey, I need to see you for just a--

Hackett, Hackett, can we do something about the people here?

We're working.

Look, no, sorry. He's okay. Uh, everybody--

Everyone, this is my brother, Brian.

( Brian chuckles )

Listen, before this gets out of hand,

uh, I think you should know that, uh, I'm in a--

I'm in a committed relationship, so sorry.

( snorts, chuckles )

Look, you're cute.

Nobody cares. Take it outside.

Look, uh,

Brian, do you wanna see me about something?

Yeah. Uh, I need you to, uh-- To sign this.

It's a clipboard. You want me to sign a clipboard?

Well, not if you're gonna cop an attitude.

You just-- You couldn't resist, could you?

They're amazing, aren't they?

What, that? Yeah, you know, they're okay.

I mean, if you go for their type.

But I-I-I just gotta tell you

that, uh, none of 'em--

None of 'em are as beautiful as Alex.

( chuckles, screams ) What the--?

What happened to you?

Well, I was working on the helicopter engine

and the damn oil line broke.

Well, go. Go. Go clean up or something.

Okay, I just came over

to tell you that I was thinking about our talk this morning,

and I felt just great about it. Yeah.

Yeah, me too. Feel great. Never better.

Go clean up.

All right.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Helen. Yeah.

Finally decided what I'd like to be on the menu.

Oh, actually, Lowell-- First of all, I feel honored

that you would even think to include me.

You're welcome. It's just that--

It's quite a tribute to have something named after you.

Kinda like the Washington Monument.

Or the Lincoln Memorial.

Or the Flintstone vitamin.

So it is with

no small amount of pride that I can say to you--

Stop it, Lowell. I decided not to name anything after anybody.

All right, no big deal.

Hey, you guys,

y-y-you should see Joe carrying on out there.

He's-- He's-- He's actin' like a little kid.

Well, he's just excited because they're gorgeous models.

Oh, come on. Fay, they're not even that good looking, really.

I mean, you take away the hairdos and all the makeup

and the perfect bodies, I mean, what do you have?

The woman I went out with last night.

Hackett, you are as transparent as glass.

You shackled yourself to Lambert,

and now it's killing you.

HELEN: Now, he didn't

shackle himself to anyone.

He made a very mature decision based on love and caring,

and he couldn't be happier.

What she said.

It is not natural for a guy to look at the same woman

for the rest of his life.

Or-- Or in your case, until you run out of quarters.

Brian knows exactly what he's doing,

don't you, Brian?

Brian.

HELEN: Defend yourself here.

Oh, he can't even.

He's too busy staring at that babe

over there on the phone. BRIAN: Oh, come on.

I mean, even though, yes, I'm in a committed relationship,

but that doesn't mean I can't look at a beautiful woman.

I'm a guy. ( chuckles )

( laughs )

Well, uh, I-I don't, uh--

I don't understand what all the fuss is about.

In Italy, men aren't even expected

to be monogamous.

Of course not.

They just keep going from dame to dame,

trying to find one who shaves her pits.

I resent that comment, Roy.

Don't deny it, just resent it.

Helen,

can I get some ice water?

Oh, man.

It's amazing how hard those girls work

under those hot lights.

What do you mean, uh, the girls are, like, all--

All sweaty?

No, you're not interested in them, Brian.

No, I'm not interested in them.

You're in a committed relationship with Alex.

I'm in a committed relationship with Alex.

You couldn't be happier.

I couldn't be happier.

That was very good, Helen.

I couldn't even see your lips move.

Oh. Oh, listen, by the way, um,

turns out this is the girls' last day of shooting,

so I thought I'd invite 'em to our house tonight

for a little party to celebrate.

Party?

You couldn't care less.

I couldn't care less.

I-- I'm done the party thing.

I don't need to do the party thing anymore.

You know, wild, crazy, uninhibited fun.

Right? Meaningless sex.

Uh, hot,

freaky...

I don't have to do that anymore.

Hey, Joe. We need directions to the party tonight.

Excuse me. I don't have to do that anymore.

And you know why I don't?

Because of this-- This lady right here.

Yeah, so you guys--

You go have your party, okay? Party all night long.

Don't even wait up for me,

'cause I know where I'm gonna be.

At home, having a quiet evening with Alex.

Not tonight. I'm going to Boston.

Tonight?

You know, you remember.

I'm going to see my college roommate.

Think you'll be okay without me for one night?

Tonight?

( piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( dance music playing )

You know, after all these months of traveling--

Paris, Milan, Rome.

--it's nice to let your hair down with some normal people.

Hey, Joe, this is a really classy party,

and this cheese-in-a-can stuff is really great.

Oh, hey, uh,

Vi, do you need an ashtray?

Don't lecture me.

Hey, you really wanna do something for me,

you'll dance with me, Sparky.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, I'm sorry. I'd better get that.

BOTH: Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Bye.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

Hackett, wait just a minute.

Roy, what are you doing here?

Oh, look, Hackett, I know I wasn't invited.

( Roy gasps, chuckles )

Look at all those models.

Please, Hackett, you gotta let me stay.

There must be one of 'em you can spare.

All right, Roy. You can stay. ( chortles )

As a matter of fact, uh,

I think I've got the perfect girl for you.

Vi. Vi. What?

There's someone over here I want you to meet.

Ooh.

Oh, I like a man who looks like he's been around the track

a few times.

You stay right here,

studmuffin.

I'm gonna go get us a couple of drinks.

Hackett, she's rude and crude

and looks like she could hurt me.

Thanks, I owe you. Heh.

I like Italian men.

I think you're all so charming.

Ah, oh, well,

and you, you are a--

( speaks Italian )

That means "a beautiful girl."

Aw. What do you call a beautiful boy?

In my village, we call him B.B.

( shrieks )

Oh, God.

Oh. Wow, I'm sorry.

LOWELL: Uh, need any help? Oh, it's okay.

Uh, is there someplace I can get cleaned up?

Yeah, here. Come with me. Right through this door.

There's a couple of bathrooms upstairs.

Oh, thanks. Sure.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( dance music playing )

Oh, hi. Didn't I see you at the airport?

You were, uh-- In a committed relationship.

Would you excuse me, please?

Committed.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Brian, how are you doing? Where you been?

Been doing everything I could to stay away from this place.

Got so desperate that I ended up at the library.

You went to the library? Yeah, big mistake.

I still have a book overdue since junior high.

Apparently, I owe over $700 on Our Bodies, Our Selves.

Oh, I'm not available, please.

God, don't flatter yourself.

Lowell, sorry.

Hey, Brian. Brian.

( stammers ) Brian. Shh.

Don't-- Come on, stop being so jumpy.

Why don't you just relax,

join the party, you know, you don't have to do anything.

You're right. You're right. I'm a mature adult.

I mean, so what? There are beautiful women all over.

I can handle it.

I cannot handle it.

Excuse me, is there any more ice in the kitchen?

Oh, what is it with you women?

Don't you know that when a man says no, he means no.

Joe would come in here, please? I need a little hug.

Can't this wait one second? No, it can't wait. Come on.

You mind if I use your phone?

Oh, they're all over me.

Okay, all right, Brian, what is so damn important?

I'm in a committed relationship.

Yeah, well, I'm not, so can you make this quick?

This key, okay.

Lock the door,

and do not let me out until the morning

no matter what happens.

What? You're kidding me.

Hey, you see those women down there, Joey,

and you know me. ( sighs )

I don't believe this. So listen, listen, listen.

I'm tryin' to be good here. You gotta help me, all right?

So no matter how much screaming or begging I do,

don't let me out of this room.

You're serious.

Absolutely. ( scoffs )

All right.

( lock clicks )

Oh,

excuse me.

Okay, Joe, let me out now.

You don't understand. I just--

Please-- Please, don't come any further.

Joe.

BRIAN: Joe!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )