Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Woo! Wasn't that fun?

Oh, I cannot believe we have to park our cars

halfway across town.

My house is closer than that damn parking lot.

It's your fault. You're the one that kept complaining

about the potholes in the employee parking lot.

Oh, yeah, Roy, now they're resurfacing it.

We all have to squeeze into this teeny little shuttle bus

for a week, and-- And I think Creepy Harold

from the fuel dock goosed me.

He goosed me too.

No, he didn't.

Greetings, motorized vehicle users.

Oh, Lowell, you know, I think next time you go shopping

you might want to take someone with you.

No, Fay, this is a bicycling suit.

I mean, since we can't park here anymore,

I've been biking to work.

And this suit makes me aerodynamic.

Yeah, it was either that or shave my entire body

and ride naked.

Good choice. That woulda looked stupid.

So, what are those little glasses?

Oh, well, these are actually little rear-view mirrors

so I can see what's behind me.

For instance, man in a plaid jacket just walked in.

And I can see that you are making a fresh pot of coffee.

Ha! See, I got 'em for safety. See ya.

( upbeat theme playing )

Good morning, Helen, Fay, Lowell.

You're looking very Smurf-like.

Thank you.

Guess what.

I just drove to the airport

in my brand-new used cab.

That's good. Oh, ain't that exciting?

Ahhh.

I just couldn't wait to--

To get here and tell all my friends.

I wish I had some.

Well, I'm sorry, Antonio.

We're just having a bad morning.

I thought you couldn't afford a new cab.

Well, I can't. But I found a way to make some extra money.

A local employment agency

has arranged for me to be a-- A part-time chauffeur

for some big shot on the island.

Ah, take a little tip from me, Antonio.

Don't wear one of those chauffeur hats.

People would stare.

Hey, you guys are not gonna believe what's outside.

It's, uh... Lowell, um...

Now, I think you're taking this whole safe sex thing

just a little too seriously.

Hey, enough with Lowell. What's out there?

Oh, oh, oh, man. Oh, it's awful.

What?

What is it, Joe? Killer bees?

Locusts?

Ed from the cheese store?

Worse.

It's Carlton Blanchard. ( groaning )

Gah!

Oh, no. Not the old man.

Oh, well, who's Carlton Blanchard?

Somebody else tell her. I'm outta here.

Oh, he's this horrible old geezer

who constantly manipulates people.

He conned me and Joe into flying him halfway across the country.

He conned me into nursing him for a week, the little ferret.

Ugh, that's not the worst part.

It's those stupid questions he asks

in that awful grating voice.

I'm back.

Oh, God. It's alive.

Oh.

You're all a sight for sore eyes.

Which reminds me,

you know those crusty little things

that get in your eyes in the morning?

Where do they come from?

Wait right here. I'll go find out.

Oh, I've never seen you around here before.

I'm Alex. I moved up last year from Florida.

Florida.

If you were to carpet Florida,

how long would it take to vacuum it?

Why would anyone wanna carpet Florida?

What kind of a stupid question is that?

Wait right here. I'll go find out.

How've you been, Angelo?

I said, how've you been, Angelo?!

For the hundredth time,

my name is Antonio.

A-N-T-O-N-I-O.

Oh.

That brings up a question.

What doesn't?

If I were to eat alphabet soup,

could they see the little letters

in an x-ray?

If you were to eat alphabet soup,

they would see the little letters

by holding you up to a strong light.

( laughs )

That's a good one.

I don't get it.

Well, as much fun as this is,

I'm expecting someone for an important job interview.

So excuse me.

What sort of job?

Chauffeur.

Hot diggity,

I'm the one you're gonna work for.

Please, God, no.

This Friday, I'm being honored

as Nantucket's Retired Businessman of the Year.

So I'm gonna need a driver to help me get ready.

Why can't you just drive yourself?

Ah, they took my car away.

You drive through one living room,

suddenly, you're an insurance risk.

Look, I need the job,

but, uh, not that badly, so forget it.

Aw, it would only be for a week.

Hey, it could be like that movie.

You know, with the old lady and the black fellow?

What was that called?

Driving Miss Daisy.

No, no, no.

He drove her around town in a big car.

Driving Miss Daisy.

No.

No, it was one of those artsy pictures.

Driving...Miss Daisy.

I think it was set in the South.

( angrily ): Driving Miss Daisy.

That's it. ( groans )

I'll pay you $25 an hour.

No. No way. No.

Nope. Antonio.

No. I hate to tell you this,

but didn't sound like you have a choice.

Would you do it? What are you, nuts? No.

I mean, where else are you gonna get that kind of money?

All right.

All right.

On one condition:

that you never, ever

talk to me.

My lips are sealed.

Okay, let's go.

Here's a question:

If they were to actually seal someone's lips,

would he have to belch through his nose?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uh, do you guys know what time that shuttle bus is coming?

I thought you were riding a bike these days.

Yeah, well, I had to stop. I developed a rash.

Oh. Because of that tight blue bicycle suit?

No.

ROY: Hey, Scarpacci, have you seen

that damn shuttle bus out there yet?

No, and if I did, I would throw myself in front of it.

This-- This has been the worst week of my life.

I've had to take the old man to have his hair cut,

his nails manicured,

his pasty little body massaged.

The only good part was getting his teeth cleaned.

What was good about that?

He didn't have to be there.

Thank God. All I have left

is to pick up his nephew who's flying in for his testimonial.

And then Hell Week is over.

So where's Carlton anyway?

Oh, he's outside asking the traffic cop...

( as Carlton ): "Why do they call 'em 'handcuffs'

if you wear 'em on your wrists?"

Is my nephew here yet?

No, not yet, but he should be here soon.

You know, he's the heir to my lumber yard fortune.

When I go, he gets it all.

Except my body. That goes to science.

Until then, it's up for grabs.

One more crack like that,

and science won't have to wait.

Uncle Carlton! Ahhh!

Lewis.

You scared me half to death.

What was I thinking?

Say, have you been working out?

Yes, I'm buff.

I think we should be going.

Hey, you must be Angelo.

I'm Lewis. I'm like the son he never had.

At least that's what it says in his will.

It still says that, right?

Oh, yeah.

Great!

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

You see them?

Can we get going?

Hold on a second, Angelo. I wanna get some water.

I have a Dramamine stuck down the wrong pipe.

He's a fine boy.

It's too bad he's got that annoying voice.

You know what I mean.

I have a vague idea.

He just keeps going and going.

He's like that thing on TV with the drums and the ears.

The Energizer bunny.

No, the commercial.

The Energizer bunny.

( laughs ): No.

It's with the drum.

The Energizer bunny. With the ears.

ALL: The Energizer bunny!

That's it. ( all groan )

The shuttle come yet? Oh, yeah, yeah.

We just wanted to spend a little more quality time with Carlton.

Here you go.

Thanks. Hi. I'm Lewis.

Top stereo salesman at Shwarma Electronics,

in the heart of midtown Manhattan.

Charmed. I'm Helen.

Alex.

Brian.

So Helen, Alex.

What winks and makes love like a tiger?

I've been to boot camp. I can hurt you.

I'm a salesman. No, you can't.

Say, you look like a local yokel.

Eh, that one over there. You think I got a shot with her?

She's my girlfriend.

Oh, good, then you would know.

You think I got a shot with her?

JOE: Hey, listen,

I just got off the phone with the-- Oh, no.

Hey, Joe-Joe.

Do you know--? No, I don't know.

No, I was just won-- I don't know.

I was just asking-- I don't know. No more questions.

I was just asking if you know

that your fly is down.

( laughs )

Made you look.

Anyway, uh,

seems the shuttle bus went off the road

and, uh, got stuck in a snowbank.

ROY: I don't believe this.

How are we gonna get to our cars?

Well, I-- I-I can take some of you in my cab.

Hey, wait a minute, Angelo.

If you take your friends for a ride, I'm gonna be late

for my banquet.

All right, all right.

I'll-- I will drop you and Lewis off,

and then I will take them to the parking lot.

Who want to come with me?

Well, I'm going with you. Well, I'm not.

I'm sick of waiting around. I'll go.

Uh, count me in. I'll go.

I'll wait here and ride with the ladies.

( door opens )

I have room for one more.

You know, when I look at the both of you beautiful ladies,

two words come to mind:

Lewis

sandwich.

I think I'm gonna ride with Antonio.

N-n-n-n-n-no. I'll go. N-n-n-no, really, I'll go.

No, no, I-I'll go. You stay here, I'll go.

Look, Mel Gibson.

You know, I have a camcorder that shoots in the dark.

Yeah, I got a gun that does the same thing.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

ANTONIO: Okay, here's the banquet hall. Out you go.

( car door opens ) You're too close to the wall,

I can't open the door.

ANTONIO: Ugh, all right.

I'll help you out on this side.

Ugh! Great.

Now I don't have room to open this door either.

Hey, get back here. Move your van.

Hey, hey, hey, Scarpacci.

Back the car up and let's drop the twig off

and get the hell outta here.

( engine faltering )

The battery seems to be dead.

Try it again, Antonio.

( engine faltering )

Ugh, I don't believe this. Well, open up a window.

W-we'll climb out and push our way forward.

The windows are electric. They aren't working.

Well, why won't the windows open?

Get the hair out of your ears. The battery is dead.

Oh, I can't believe this.

We are stuck in the middle of a parking lot.

Ah, take it easy, big fella.

All we gotta do is spark up an acetylene torch,

cut a hole in the roof right about there.

Do you have an acetylene torch?

Almost a perfect plan.

Well, let's make the best of it.

Ninety-nine bottles of beer On the wall

Come on, everybody.

Ninety-nine Bottles of beer

Ninety-nine bottles of beer On the wall

Ninety-nine bottles Of beer...

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Come on. Just one date.

I'll make it worth your while.

What do you want, a TV?

You are offering me a television to go out with you?

Play your cards right and I'll throw in a VCR.

Joe, what do I do here?

Hold out for a big-screen.

BRIAN: I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm getting really worried now.

Something must have happened to Antonio.

Alex should have been home a long time ago.

And I just got off the phone with the banquet hall,

and they haven't seen Carlton either.

So, what do you think happened to the cab?

I mean, I'm getting worried here.

Relax. I'm sure they're fine.

That's right, let's not jump to conclusions.

I'm sure they're plenty of good reasons

why Alex is two hours late

and Carlton is missing the most important night of his life.

Fine, name one.

Ummm...

they stopped off for a pizza?

Name another.

Ummm...they skidded on the ice and fell off a cliff.

Don't tease me, lady.

Of course, that would be a tragedy.

( scoffs )

Lewis, why don't you just chuck him in a hole

and throw some dirt on him?

Look, I kid and I joke.

But deep down inside, I love him like a father.

Who, when he croaked, only left me with a '78 LeSabre.

Uh, I-I think we should go and look for 'em.

Hey, Brian, you're forgetting our cars aren't here.

They're in the lot.

Well, we'll just use the snowplow on the runway.

Oh! I'll go. Good idea.

Now, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I hate to break this to you,

but one of you has to stay here in case Antonio calls.

Look, Fay, there's Hugh Downs.

You know what?

You oughta go too.

Helen's just playing hard to get.

She told me she really likes you.

Thanks.

That'll teach her.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

CARLTON: If that bottle Should happen to fall

There'd be no more Bottles of beer

On the walllll

One more time.

Ninety-nine-- Shut up!

You know, it does bring up an interesting question though.

If the bottles keep falling off of the wall,

why don't they just put 'em someplace else?

God, it's contagious.

( upbeat theme playing )

Now, just keep your eyes open.

They gotta be out here somewhere.

Maybe they skidded off the road into a ditch.

Or into the ocean.

God forbid.

You know, Helen,

give me one reason why you won't go out with me.

I'll give you two.

Uh, you're extremely unattractive,

and when you talk, spit flies out of your mouth.

Well, I see I'm not getting anywhere with you.

But, Joe, I couldn't help but notice

you happen to be a very handsome man.

Huh?

Easy, Joe.

Might be a stereo in it for you.

All I'm saying is, a couple of good-looking guys like us

could hit the bars and do very well with the ladies.

Lewis, I would not be caught dead in public

with a worm like you, no offense.

None taken.

Hey, there's Benson's Curve, everyone hold tight.

Woo! Opportunity Corner.

ANTONIO: Did you find the problem?

Yep.

Right here.

Okay. Now, then.

All I have to do is connect...

these two wires, and the windows should open.

Forget the windows, fix the heater. We're freezing.

Well, maybe we should huddle together for warmth.

Maybe we should build a fire and use you for kindling.

Ooh, I hope we get out of here alive.

I've always wanted to live long enough

to hear that guy on The Today Show

wish me a happy birthday.

What's his name?

No, no, no, no. Nobody say a word.

I'm not getting sucked into this again.

You know, the weatherman.

I think it starts with a W.

The one with the toupee.

Oh, God, forgive me.

Willard Scott.

No. No.

It's the big guy. ( groaning )

( chuckles )

( car starts )

( horn honks ) Finally.

Where's the handle on this thing?

HELEN: Hey, you guys okay?

ROY: Finally.

Hey, where the hell have you guys been?

We've been looking all over for you. You all right? Good.

LEWIS: Uncle Carlton.

Uncle Carlton! Are you all right?!

Uncle Carlton, are you all right?

Oh, my God.

Uncle Carlton.

( yells ) ( screams )

Gotcha.

( chuckles )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Bye, everybody.

Oh, and bye, Helen. I'll call you.

Look, you didn't have to make a special flight just for me.

Oh, believe me, it's our pleasure.

Just remember to count three and pull the ripcord.

LOUIS: Huh?

I wanna thank you

for driving me around all week.

Yeah, yeah. You're welcome. No, no, no. No, no.

What--? What are you doing? Why aren't you leaving?

Well, I was just thinking,

this could be the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

( sighs )

"The beginning of a beautiful friendship."

I-i-isn't that th-the last line of a famous movie, uh...

What was the name of it? Does anybody know?

Casablanca.

No, that wasn't it, was it, Roy?

Uh, no. No, no, no. It's, uh--

It was the one with Bogie. Casablanca.

No. No.

Fay, a little help here. Oh, uh, yeah.

Uh... Yeah, it was the one with Ingrid Bergman in it.

Casablanca.

FAY: No. ALEX: No, I know this one.

Uh, I think it took place during World War II.

Casablanca. No.

I-I think it was the one that has the song

"As Time Goes By."

Casablanca.

Casablanca. Casablanca.

I'm getting outta here.

You people are driving me crazy.

( all laugh )

What the hell was the name of that movie?

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )