Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

So you got everything under control?

Joey, Joey, for the fifth time, I got everything covered, man.

FAA reports, monthly bills, flight logs.

Go on your date, have yourself a good time, that's why I'm here.

All right, okay.

You know, I have to admit, I had some doubts about

this partnership thing at first, but it really is working out,

thanks partner.

Hey, no problem, partner.

Ready to go?

Yep.

Same deal as last week?

Cash in advance? You got it.

Same deal as last week?

Yep. Half cheese, half pepperoni.

Morning.

Morning, Fay. Morning, Fay.

Have you heard of this phenomenon where

you think of somebody, and then the phone rings

and it's them?

Oh yeah.

Well, this morning I was thinking about

my old friend Delores, and guess who called?

You old friend Delores.

No, my old friend Betty.

Well, Fay, you must be psychic.

Uh, do you know what I'm thinking right now?

No.

Oh, good.

Well, anyway, Betty called to find out

if she could give out my phone number.

It seems someone called her looking for Fay Schlob,

and he wouldn't say why he was calling,

so she didn't give it to him.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Fay, your maiden name was Schlob?

I'm not ashamed. I come from a long line of Schlobs.

In fact, there was a Schlob on the Mayflower.

Mmm, that's right, 'cause at the first Thanksgiving,

he was the pilgrim who kept saying, "Pull my finger."

Well, it just so happens, that I come from

very humble, hard-working stock.

Yeah. Just a bunch of poor Schlobs.

( phone rings )

Excuse me.

Uh, Alex, you have to help me.

Last night, I'm watching Gone with the Wind.

Near the end of the movie, Rhett is at the door.

He looks back, and he says, "Frankly, Scarlett,"

and then, suddenly, I lost the channel.

What does he tell her?

I don't give a damn.

Sorry to have bothered you.

No, no, no, that's the line,

that's what Rhett said to Scarlett.

Sounds like you got a reception problem.

I know exactly what you need.

I got a guy can fix you up for 50 bucks.

Fifty dollars?

Uh, that's a lot of money for me just to watch TV.

Yeah, it's not like you don't have

plenty of other things to do.

Send him over.

How about you, Lambert?

Everything okay over at your house?

I'd be glad to come over and give you whatever you need.

Roy, if you ever set foot in my house,

the only thing I'll need is an alibi.

Well, this is turning out to be quite a day,

I just got a phone call from another old friend.

Seems someone called looking for Fay Dumbly.

Uhh... I'm sorry, Fay Dumbly?

It was my first husband's last name.

You married a man named Dumbly and took his name?

Don't forget, she was a Schlob.

Now, that's not a very nice thing to say.

I mean, who among us hasn't stood at a salad bar

and missed the sneeze guard?

That's the second call I've gotten today

about somebody looking for me.

You don't think I should be afraid, do you?

Ah, Fay, remember in the immortal words

of Franklin Roosevelt:

"You have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Thank you, Lowell.

And a crazed loony, coming after you hell-bent on revenge.

Ah, good luck with it.

( whistling )

Good morning, ladies.

Hey. Morning.

You seem happy today.

Oh, you bet I am.

Last night, I got my antenna adjusted.

Well, I've never quite heard it phrased that way,

but congratulations.

No, no, no, I just mean...

Roy's friend, he fixed my TV reception.

Oh.

Not only did he make the picture clear,

but suddenly, it's picking up channels it never got before.

I just got done watching a Farsi cooking show.

Mwah.

Antonio, don't you get it?

I mean, Roy's guy obviously hooked you into

somebody else's cable.

That's illegal. Yep.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Even Roy would not do something like that.

Hey, Scarpacci, hear my friend paid you a visit.

Yeah. Where's my envelope?

Well, he did ask me to give you this.

You mean?

No, I got you 120 channels out of the goodness of my heart.

( laughs )

I'm sorry I'm late, I'm a little upset.

Why, what's the matter?

Well, I got another strange phone call last night.

This one was from my old neighbor in Manhattan.

It seems somebody showed up at her door

asking about a Fay DeVay.

( chuckling ): DeVay?

Your name was DeVay? You're kidding.

No, it was my second husband George's last name.

Well, after Schlob and Dumbly, that's DeVay I'd have gone.

Please don't start, I've heard them all.

"Show me DeVay," "Do you go all DeVay?"

And my personal favorite,

"Old soldiers never die, they just Fay DeVay."

( both laugh )

Well, it's all very amusing, but I'd appreciate it

if you'd take this a little more seriously.

I was up all night worrying about it.

Oh, look, we're sorry.

Come on, we'll get you something to calm you down.

Hey, Helen? Fay needs a cup of tea.

You know DeVay she likes it.

What? What's going on?

Well, Fay got another call about someone tracking her down.

But that doesn't mean there's anything to worry about.

Yeah, it really doesn't. I mean, just 'cause

someone's looking for you, it could be anything.

Maybe you opened a bank account a long time ago

and forgot about it.

That's right.

Maybe somebody died and left you a big inheritance.

Maybe a long lost child that you put up for adoption

is looking for her birth mother.

If I gave birth to a child, I think I'd know it.

Not necessarily.

Adoption agencies are very tight with that information.

I'll go get you that tea.

Well, I just can't help feeling

that someone out there is stalking me.

Fay, Brian and I are not gonna let anything happen to you.

You're like family.

Absolutely.

And just keep that in mind

in case it does turn out to be an inheritance.

( phone rings )

Sandpiper Air, how can I help you?

Hey, Joe, this is Helen.

See that guy standing over at the Aeromass counter?

He's been snooping around,

asking everybody if they know Fay.

Thanks.

Fay... see that guy over there?

He may be the one who's looking for you.

Now, why don't you slip out the back

and we'll keep him talking and stall him.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for a...

Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran.

I don't know, that's a pretty common name.

Look, I'm a private investigator.

I was hired to find a Ms. Fay Cochran.

I was told that she works for Sandpiper.

Well, why you looking for her?

I'm not at liberty to answer that.

Who hired you?

I'm not at liberty to answer that.

What's your name?

Or are you not at liberty to answer that?

Bob.

So, Bob, you're a private investigator, huh?

Private eye, a gumshoe, shamus.

Don't tell me, you live above a bar that has a neon sign

that constantly flashes the word "eats."

And everywhere you go, you hear the sounds of a mournful sax.

Yeah, and your girlfriend's a hooker with a heart of gold.

Look, I live in a condo in Paramus,

I only listen to classical music,

and my girlfriend's not a hooker.

She's a massage therapist.

Helen, uhh, I'd like you to meet Bob.

He's a PI who's trying to find out if we know someone named--

What was that name again?

Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran.

Could you be a little more specific?

Look, I really don't think we have anyone

named Fay Cochran working here at Sandpiper.

What are you saying, Joe?

You know Fay.

You know her, she's about yea big.

Lives at 205 Elm Street, usually stands right behind

this nameplate right here.

All right, all right.

I lied.

I'm Fay...

something, something...

DeSomething, Cochran.

According to my records, Ms. Cochran

would be in her early '60s.

I've had a lot of work done.

No, it's all right, Helen.

I'm Fay Cochran.

I knew I knew her.

Now, why are you looking for me?

I haven't done anything.

All I know is, I was hired to find

the former Fay Schlob from Syracuse.

You don't have to tell him anything, Fay.

Well, it's all right, I've got nothing to hide.

Look, when I lived in Syracuse, I led a very ordinary life.

I went to school, I helped my mom in the garden,

I volunteered at the USO, I served sodas at Woolworths,

I'm a model citizen.

Then, as near as I can tell, you're the one he's looking for.

We'll be in touch.

Hey, sit. Where the hell you been?

You lost two fares already.

Yeah, I know, I just couldn't tear myself away

from the Cartoon Network's A Pup Named Scooby-Doo.

You're still getting cable?

I thought we were having it disconnected.

Yeah, I am. Soon, soon.

But... I tell you,

this cable TV is truly wonderful.

Have you heard of this Shopping Channel?

Oh, man, don't tell me you bought any of that junk.

Junk?

( mumbles )

Look, I know the difference between junk

and something of value.

Like, this, like this life-size porcelain squirrel,

which will be arriving in about three to four weeks.

Gotta go, almost time for Yo! MTV Raps.

Antonio, you're talking like a cable junkie.

Look, Antonio, listen to me.

You may really have a problem here.

I know it starts out small;

you know, you start experimenting a little bit

with CNN, then you move to the hard stuff...

Nickelodeon...

Then all of a sudden, it's 4 a.m., you're strung out

watching that bald man spray paint his head.

Uh... are you saying I have a problem?

( laughs nervously )

Well, I don't.

I can quit any time.

Brian...

I think I was followed in from the parking lot.

Oh, all right, don't worry about it, I'll check it out.

( screams )

Sorry, Fay. You dropped your mitten out in the parking lot.

Tried to catch up with you,

but you're harder to catch than a greased pig.

Wanna know how I know?

No!

Oh, I-I'm just so on edge ever since

that investigator showed up yesterday.

I mean, what can he want? What have I done?

( exasperated sigh )

How you doing, Fay?

Oh, how do you think I'm doing?

I'm a walking bull's-eye.

Fay's still upset, huh?

Yeah... she still thinks she's being hunted down

for something she did in her past.

What reason would anybody have to harm Fay?

I mean, she's the nicest,

sweetest, cheeriest person in the world.

There's three reasons right there.

HELEN: I know, it's ridiculous.

I mean, Fay's never done anything bad.

Me, on the other hand, I've done a lot of things I'm ashamed of.

Well, I wish you'd done some of them when we were dating.

Oh, that's right, we dated.

There's another thing I'm ashamed of.

Well, I don't know about you guys,

but I've never done anything wrong in my life.

Oh, come on.

Just knowing you is number one, two, and three on my list.

I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Excuse me?

All right, I didn't, but it sounds

a little more interesting than I voted for Dukakis.

Oh, come on, who hasn't done something that they regret?

Shoplifting a pack of gum?

ALL ( mumble ): Yeah...

Smoking in the school bathroom?

( all laugh )

Finding yourself in the Kuwaiti Desert

playing strip poker with a Bedouin chieftain.

Or, you know, something like that.

Hey, Antonio, how you doing?

My life is ruined.

My world has crumbled

into a black hole of meaningless despair.

Coffee?

Hey, what happened?

They found my illegal hookup...

and disconnected my cable.

They told me I have to pay a $200 fine.

What if I can't pay the fine,

and I have to go to jail?

You know what happens in jail?

I'd only get three major networks.

Are you happy?

Look what you've turned him into.

Hey, I was just trying to do him a favor, all right?

I'll take care of it. I'll take care of it.

Look, uh-- Oh, Scarpacci, uh, I'm sorry about the way

things turned out, huh?

See ya.

Roy. Roy, there is one thing.

Uh, the cable company said if I could tell them the name

of the person who helped me get the illegal hookup,

they would drop the fine.

( chuckles nervously )

And-- And-- And w-what'd you say?

I told them I wasn't sure I could remember who "Mr. Big" is.

"Bigg-is"

Sounds a lot like "Biggins."

You know, it's all starting to come back to me.

All right.

All right, I'll give you the money.

Oh, keep your money.

Just let me come to your house tonight

and watch the finals of buck-naked line dancing.

( chuckles )

Deal.

( gasps )

( screams ) Ah!

W-what's going on?

Fay tried to attack me with that bowling trophy.

I-I was just trying to defend myself,

I thought someone was coming after me with a gun.

All right, Fay, calm down.

I had no idea you were this upset

about this whole situation.

Why don't you come home with me and Brian tonight.

Oh, no. I mean, this is just ridiculous.

I can't spend the rest of my life jumping at every sound.

I mean, look, I almost killed poor Lowell.

Yeah, right. I could have taken you easy.

Now, um, you boys go on home.

I'll be-- I'll be able to manage by myself.

You sure? Yeah.

Absolutely sure. Okay.

All right. I'm gonna go.

Brian's waiting for me.

Okay. Good night.

You know, Fay, you're absolutely right.

This is no way to live your life.

Just in case, I want you to have these!

Oh!

What are those?

Nunchaks.

Ancient Japanese instruments of death and mutilation.

Ho! Ho! Hoo!

Use 'em in good health.

Lowell, you bring these to work with you every day?

Of course not.

Only on Wednesdays.

( gasps )

Fay. Fay Schlob.

Who are you?

I'm the one that's been looking for you.

N-no. Don't you take another step.

I'm warning you, I've got numskulls here

and I know how to use them.

Fay, we talked it over.

You should come home with us.

Yes, no problem at all.

Joe, I know who's been stalking me.

Who? Him.

Who the hell are you?

I've got something here that's gonna settle this.

FAY: Oh, my God. He's got a gun!

Oh, no, no, no. It's just a picture.

W-w-why you wavin' that thing around for?

Fay, who are these guys?

Them? Oh, these are my two, big, overprotective, strong sons

who were just recently released from prison.

I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Anyway, look.

Would you just take a look at the picture?

That'll explain everything.

Well, it's pretty old and faded.

Looks like you, Fay.

Let me look at that.

Oh, heh, that is me.

It's funny how you can lock into a hairdo.

Who's that soldier you have your arm around?

Well, that's me.

Pete Nash.

That was taken in, uh, 1951.

When we met.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't remember you.

Uh, it still doesn't explain why you're here.

Well, I suppose you could say it's because you owe me a dance.

A dance. See? I knew there was a simple explanation.

The night before I shipped out to Korea,

my, uh, buddies and I, we went down to the USO in Syracuse.

Oh, my girlfriends and I used to volunteer there.

We danced with the soldiers.

( chuckling ): I know.

I was one of them.

I was just 19. I was scared to death of going to war.

And you sat up with me all night, talking.

You told me not to worry, that I'd come back.

I said, "How do you know that?"

And you said, "You gotta come back, you owe me a dance."

That's so sweet.

It certainly was.

Well, all the time I was in Korea,

I carried your picture with me.

As a matter of fact, I told my buddies that you were my girl.

Oh. BRIAN: Wow.

So carrying Fay's picture got you through the war?

Oh, sure. That picture saved my life.

It did?

One day we were under heavy artillery fire

and, ah, I was-- I was so scared

and I took out your picture--

You mean, just-- Just looking at my face

gave you the courage to go on.

No. I took out your picture and I dropped it.

And I bent down to pick it up--

When a bullet meant for you

whizzed right over your head?

No, I bent down to pick it up,

I slipped on my canteen,

the rifle discharged and I shot myself in the ass.

What kind of a medal do they give you for that?

And where do they pin it?

Well, there I was, in this V.A. hospital,

lying there with a bullet in my keister

and it reminded me of you, Fay.

Well, I-I'm flattered.

But you still don't remember who I am, do you?

No, I'm sorry, I don't.

Well, you see, I danced with a lot of boys.

Well, let me give you a clue.

I was a very bad dancer.

Oh, well, most of the boys were.

But I stepped on your toes.

A lot of the boys did.

But I broke one.

( gasps )

My goodness, was that you?

That was me.

Oh. So, uh...

Basically your war story is

you broke Fay's toe and shot yourself in the ass.

Bet you keep the grandkids riveted with that.

Uh, you know boys, I think everything will be fine now.

You can go home.

You sure?

Yes, I'm sure. Okay.

Well, nice to meet you.

Goodbye, Mommy.

( chuckles )

Well, uh, Pete, I'm curious.

I mean, how come it took you so long to find me?

Well, after the war, I tried to find you.

I went back to Syracuse but you'd moved.

Well, eventually I-- I got married and the years rolled by.

Recently my wife died.

I was looking at some old pictures

and I came across that one of you and me

and I realized there were so many things

I meant to do in my life that I hadn't done.

And one of them was seeing you again.

And thanking you for helping me get through that war.

So, Fay, thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, I guess I'd better be going.

Oh, wait, um...

Um, I believe you still owe me a dance.

( rock song playing )

( upbeat dance song playing )

( soft jazz song playing )

Well, that's better.

Well, I warn you, I'm still a bad dancer.

Oh, that's okay, you just follow me.

Ow.

Sorry. That's okay.

Ow.

Sorry. It's all right.

( light rock theme playing )