Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

This is interesting.

It says here that 75 percent

of all people who work together,

eventually become romantically involved.

Seventy-five percent?

That can't be right. Let me see that.

Damn. That's what it says all right.

Well, you know, think about it for a second.

You know, Joe and Helen work here

and they used to be in a relationship.

Brian and Alex work here,

they're dating now.

That's four out of eight.

That's damn near 50 percent right there.

If that statistic is correct, then that means

that two of us will...

You can do a lot worse.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Joe Hackett, get down here right now.

What, what? What?

What is it? What are you doing?

What is this? ( sighs )

Not again.

Lowell, it's a sponge.

That's right, Joe.

And Joe, when we're not cleaning with this sponge,

where does it go?

Down your throat.

You, of all people, should know

that when we're not using this sponge,

that it goes in its sponge cradle.

Where it can dry off,

so that it's not soggy, and slimy,

and stinky for the next user,

which is, by the way, usually me.

Give me a break.

Mornin'.

Well,

look who finally decided to come home.

Well, I was staying overnight at Alex's.

You-you got a problem with that?

And now I suppose you'd like some breakfast.

Yeah, okay. What do you got?

Lasagna?

For breakfast?

No. Lasagna for dinner.

Unless of course, somebody forgets to call home

to say they won't be here.

Lowell, give it a rest, will ya, please?

You know, I'd think by this time

that the two of you would have more consideration

for my feelings.

But maybe that's just too much to hope for.

Listen, I gotta get to work now,

but this conversation is not over.

We're gonna continue it tonight at supper.

Well, your lunches are in the refrigerator,

and don't forget to take your vitamins.

You know, I don't know about you

but I have had it.

Why do we put up with this?

Well, you know, he cooks, he cleans,

makes incredible lasagna.

This-this thing is good even the next day.

Would you forget that?

Joey, you're forgettin' somethin'.

We kind of owe him.

I sank his houseboat, remember?

Yeah, I-I know, but we have put him up

for over a year now.

I think that debt is paid.

We've gotta tell him to move out.

I'm behind you 100 percent.

Let me know how it comes out.

No, no, no.

We're gonna tell him together.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

I mean, we should just go down there right now

and just tell him that he's out of here.

Good. This is our house, right?

Yeah, you bet it is. Let's go.

Oh. Well, first I better wring out that sponge.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh, Alex.

Hold up. I got somethin' for you

For me?

Why?

Oh, I just saw it and I thought of you

so I bought it.

Really?

HELEN: Yeah, really.

I-I don't get it. It's not my birthday.

So?

So you just got me a gift for no reason at all?

I'm beginning to think so.

Um, look, I-I just got it 'cause we're friends. Okay?

Oh. Okay.

Thanks.

W-when was the last time you got something for Fay?

Well, it certainly wasn't on my last birthday.

Oh, for Pete's sake,

it's just a little pin

in the shape of a helicopter, see?

It's no big deal.

Or the birthday before that.

Well, this is-- This is really nice.

Thanks, Helen.

Hi. Morning. Morning, guys.

Oh, listen. You know where Lowell is?

Uh, I think he's in the hanger.

Let's go.

Uh, I can't remember.

Did you get me something for Christmas?

Yes, Fay, I did.

Oh, right. Debbie Reynolds' workout tape.

Thanks again.

Yeah, guys? What do you need?

Lowell, we're not gonna beat around the bush.

Joe has something he wants to tell you.

Yeah, Joe?

Well, Lowell, Brian and I have been talking,

and, um, we think it's time for you

to find a place of your own.

What do you mean?

It's about all your rules and regulations.

Yeah. We know you mean well, but see,

Joe and I would sort of like to go back

to the way it was before you moved in.

What do you mean?

When we lived there and you didn't.

You know, if somebody were to walk in here right now,

they might think that you guys

didn't want me to live you anymore.

We don't.

We want you to find your own place.

Yeah. We want you to move out.

I'm gettin' mixed signals here.

Move out.

Well, you don't have to tell Lowell Mather twice.

Huh. Far be it from me to stay some place where I'm not wanted.

Oh, now, come on.

Lowell-- No, no, no, no, no, Joe.

I've tried very hard this past year

to take care of you boys.

Did I complain? No, I did not.

I did it gladly.

I only hope that someday,

you two have children that treat you

the way that you're treating me now.

( sighs )

Feel kinda guilty?

Yeah, kinda.

That feeling pretty much passed.

Yeah, completely gone.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Mornin', Alex. Morning.

Here.

You got this for me? Why?

I saw it and I thought of you, so I bought it.

I hope you like it.

Wow.

This is beautiful. Thank you.

Good. I feel better.

What does that mean?

You know. You got me something, I got you something.

Oh. No, no, no. See--

Uh, just because I got you something first,

that doesn't mean that you have to get me something back.

If I never would've gotten you that helicopter pin,

I mean, you never would've thought

about gettin' me something, and that's okay.

I don't know. I-I might've if I saw something

that remind me of you,

like a pin in the shape of a spatula, or something.

A spatula?

Is that what you think that I'm about?

A fry cook?

I didn't say that.

Well, then, why else would you give me a spatula pin?

You got me a helicopter pin,

is that what you think I'm all about?

It was just a damn gift. All you had to do was say thank you.

Well, thank you. Well, you're welcome,

and thank you. You're welcome.

It's a shame.

What started out as a lovely gesture,

turned into an ugly scene.

Yeah.

Think maybe if we oiled 'em up, they'd wrestle?

Mornin', guys. ANTONIO: Good morning.

Good mornin', boys. Gorgeous day, isn't it?

Really? I heard it might rain.

Oh, really? Not at our house.

It's bright and sunny.

Zero percent chance of Lowell.

( laughs )

Yeah. I heard you boys gave Mather the boot.

It's about time.

Hey, hey. We didn't kick him out.

We just asked him to leave.

Where'd he go? To a lovely place,

called elsewhere.

( laughter )

You-you just threw him out in the street?

No, no.

When we got home last night his stuff was gone

I'm sure he's fine.

I'm surprised you didn't just turn him loose

in the forest so he could live with the wolves.

What makes you think they'd want him back?

Come on, Antonio.

It's high time that Lowell was on his own.

I-I bet he's already found a great place to live.

( mumbles ): Good morning, everybody.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, Lowell, what the hell are you doin' here?

I work here.

Oh, yeah.

And since you guys kicked me out of your house,

now I live here.

Lowell, you can't live in the terminal.

What do you mean?

Uh, we mean, you can't live in the terminal.

What are you saying? I can't live in the terminal?

Yes, that's exactly what we're--

No, hold on-- Fay, Fay.

You don't wanna push that button.

Why can't I live in the terminal?

Well, for one reason, it's not very sanitary.

There are no showers here.

Well, that's not a problem.

You know, I'm actually a lot like a camel.

I can go for months without water.

You've only gone 12 hours.

You're way too much like a camel already.

Oh, great.

First you tell me I can't live in your house,

and now you tell me that I can't live in the terminal.

What's next?

Are you gonna take me down to the old Civil War cannon,

stuff me in and shoot me off the island?

I'm game.

Come on, Lowell. Stop being so dramatic.

Just go and rent an apartment.

( scoffs )

You think it's that easy, Joe?

Just to go and find an apartment?

Of course, I wouldn't have that problem

if one of my other good friends

would let me live at their house.

( laughs )

I wouldn't even let you live under my house.

Oh, L-- Well, Lowell, uh...

Well, you know, I would let you live at my house but, um,

I-I really just have the one key.

Oh, well, you could stay with me but, um, um,

I'm not zoned for it.

I-I-I don't believe you people.

In Italy, friends open their doors to other friends.

Lowell, you can stay at my house

as long as you like.

Get Lowell out of my house today...

or I will kill him.

W-w-wait a minute, what happened to,

( as Antonio ): "In Italy, friends open their doors for other friends."

In Italy, there was no Lowell.

Well, all right. Well, what happened?

I-I'll you what happened.

I'm sitting on the couch with my date--

A perfectly lovely woman

once you get past her really big face.

--and we we are enjoying--

Uh, wait a second. W-w-wait.

What do you mean, "really big face"?

Uh, you know, when you look at the place

where a person's face usually is,

there's face.

But on her, when you look to each side,

there is...more face.

Anyway, there we are,

sitting, enjoying beautiful, romantic music,

when who should come down the stairs for a midnight snack?

Naked man. Okay?

Joe, Brian, please,

take Lowell back.

No. No.

Oh, n-n-now, wait a minute.

You know, my friend Ruthie's daughter

is a real estate agent.

Uh, maybe she could find Lowell a place to live.

Hey, roomie.

Listen, uh, I just wanted to remind you,

tonight is my night to host the Rat Shooting Club.

Don't-don't you do that down at the dump?

Oh. We shoot 'em at the dump,

we clean 'em at home.

Please, Fay, call your friend.

Hurry.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Now, this one just came on the market.

It's a one bedroom-- It's perfect.

He'll take it.

Don't you wanna know anything about it?

It's the furthest one from our house,

he'll take it.

What do you think, Lowell?

Lowell.

Hate it. No.

We have looked at 15 places today.

What is wrong with this one?

Well...

It's got no view.

Well, didn't you notice

that beautiful view from the porch?

Oh, great.

The ocean.

All right, we'll move it.

He'll take it.

Oh, no. It doesn't feel right.

It's got great natural light.

I like it dark. You can sit in the closet.

He'll take it.

Come on, Lowell.

This place has everything you said you wanted.

I know, but you know what?

It would never have the feeling that--

That I get when I'm at your house.

The warm feeling that you get when you walk in the front door.

You know, the feeling that you have

when you live with your two best buddies

in the whole wide world.

We've already changed the locks,

don't make us get a restraining order.

I'll take it.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Helen, I, uh...

I wanna apologize for the other day.

I said some things that I didn't mean.

No. You know what? It was my fault.

You made a nice gesture and I didn't appreciate it.

No, it was my fault.

It's silly that just because you gave me something,

I had to get you something back.

Right? Right.

Great. Now that we got that out of the way.

I got you a little something,

just to say I'm sorry.

You're kidding.

Well, I did the same thing for you.

( both giggle )

Okay, you go first.

N-n-n-no, no. You go first.

Okay, but now, let's agree

that this is where it ends, okay?

I mean, this is not a competition, right?

Agreed. Okay.

( gasps )

Oh, my gosh. This is beautiful.

Oh, this must've been so expensive.

( squeals )

I can't wait to see what you got for me.

Uh, you know, I-I-I just realized

that this is the wrong size.

So, uh, I think I'm just gonna

rush back to the stores before they close.

So now that Lowell is gone, uh,

I was able to get another date with Denise.

Denise?

Oh. Oh, of course. The big-faced girl.

Look, you know,

I-I'd be the firs to admit she's not for everybody, but--

Oh, I'm sorry, Antonio.

As long as you like her.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I can't get past the face.

It's like--

It's like making love to a jack-o'-lantern.

Hey. Morning Fay.

FAY: Morning.

What-what--?

Lowell. Lowell.

Lowell. ( shouts )

Morning.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Damn it, Lowell, you have a place of your own.

Hey, just because a guy gets a house

doesn't mean he has to sleep there.

Don't you like your new place?

No. Well, ain't no way

you're comin' back to mine.

I hate my house.

Man, nobody lives there.

All right, Lowell,

if you go home, you'll live there.

Yeah, but--

Ah, forget it. You guys wouldn't understand.

Understand what?

Well, I-I've never lived alone before.

Never?

No.

I mean, at first I lived with my family,

and then I lived with Bunny,

and then I moved in with you guys.

And now, you know, in my house it's just me,

all alone.

Lonesome me.

Old Lonesome Lowell.

Yeah, yeah, alone. We get it.

LOWELL: I mean, you know, I tried to stay there last night,

but after a couple of hours, I uh--

I just couldn't do it.

Look, Lowell, I think I can help you out here.

Bein' on your own for the first time is hard.

Whoo, I know.

Heh. When I was a kid I shared a bedroom

with my big brother Earl.

( chuckling ): Earl.

I never spent one night alone in that room

until Earl had to go away.

Oh, so he went off to college?

No, no. Army?

No.

Well, where did he--?

He just had to go away. Okay?

Anyway,

Earl knew I'd be scared, so before he left,

he whispered in my ear, "You can make it, Roy.

You can make it."

So that first night when the shadows on the wall

turned into scary faces, I thought of Earl.

When the branches tappin' on the windows outside

sounded like bad guys tryin' to get in,

I thought of Earl.

Before you knew it,

it was morning and I was just fine.

I had made it.

I couldn't wait for Earl to come back.

I was so proud, I wanted to tell him.

But I--

I never got the chance, I--

I never saw Earl again.

He died? ( sobs )

Well, I just wanna tell you, Lowell,

that if you can find something

to help you make it through that first night,

you'll be okay too.

( blows nose )

You know what?

I'm gonna do it.

Hey.

I-I gonna find something

that'll help me get though that first night, Roy.

Thanks.

That was the most moving story I've ever heard.

That must've been really hard to tell.

You kidding?

You know how many women I've picked up

using that bogus dead Earl story?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( knocking )

CROWD: Surprise.

( chattering )

We just thought we'd drop by,

give you kind of a surprise housewarming party.

Oh, wow.

Listen, I mean, that's really nice of you, but--

But no, no. Not buts, Lowell.

We each brought you a little gift.

Uh, yes. I-I've found that a well placed plant

can spruce up the whole house.

See?

And Alex and I, we bought you a little champagne.

And I got you some chocolates, and I want you to know

that I don't expect anything in return.

Yeah, right.

Here, Lowell.

Wow, a coat. What a great gift.

Uh, well actually it's your coat.

You left it at our house.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, did I leave that stupid looking picture too?

No, that's my gift.

Oh, thanks.

And, uh, I-I brought you Paulo.

Paulo? Yeah.

This is Paulo.

He's not a real bird, but he's good company.

I-I got him when I first came to town.

Go ahead, talk to him. S-s-see what happens.

Uh, what should I say?

What should I say?

( both laugh )

He-he likes you.

Well, thanks, Antonio.

Yeah, yeah. But-but before you take him away,

could I just-just do one thing?

Yeah, sure.

Goodbye, Antonio.

Goodbye, Antonio.

Antonio, hey, your girlfriend,

even if her face is as big as a stop sign,

don't let her get away.

Well, hey, Lowell, I think this place looks really great.

It's got a lot of potential. Oh.

So how 'bout givin' us a little tour?

ALL: Oh, yeah.

Well-- Look, I know what you guys are tryin' to do

and I really appreciate it.

But, you know, it doesn't matter how long you stay,

I'm still gonna be alone eventually.

We understand, Lowell.

We just wanted to drop by and say hello.

ALL: Hang in there, pal. Good luck. You're gonna make it.

Okay, thanks. Okay?

Take care of Paulo, eh?

Are they gone? ( chuckles )

Yeah. Boy, I-I thought they were never gonna leave.

Mm.

Boy, I'm really glad that you're staying the night.

Well, I couldn't leave you alone.

Not after hearing that sad story about your dead brother Earl.

W-wait.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )