Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( clears throat )

Oh. Heh-heh-heh! Uh, welcome to Sandpiper.

And where are you off to this fine day?

Boston.

Although, I wish I wasn't. Heh!

I'm going to see my mother.

Sounds like you two don't get along.

We just have this one little problem.

I think I'm 40.

Mom thinks I'm 12.

Um, you know, I was just reading something

in my Psychology book that might be of help to you.

Eh, you see, um, it's possible

that your mother has trouble defining herself

as anything other than your parent.

If she allows you to grow up,

then she has to admit that she's getting older herself.

And that isn't always easy.

Can you imagine the pain the poor woman must be feeling?

( sobbing ) Oh!

Oh, now, now. Oh, no.

Now, you just let it all out. Oh.

I never really looked at it from Mom's point of view.

Thank you so much.

Are you gonna be here on Monday?

When I come back?

Well, let's see.

Uh, I do have an hour open around 2.

Great.

I'll see you then.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Alex, Davis is gonna be here any second. What about my hair?

Should I wear it, like, up with just a few...?

Or just down?

I think it looks great either way.

If I may cast a vote,

I like it up or down.

Just...not in my soup.

Antonio, I'm-- I'm really sorry.

Um, I'll tell you what. No charge.

No kidding.

What time is it? What time is it?

Relax. I'm sure he'll be here. Oh, I know he will.

Just because he didn't show up the last few times,

I know for a fact he's definitely gonna be here today.

( sarcastically ): Yeah, sure he will.

You know, I'm really sick of you doing that.

'Cause if I say he's gonna be here, he's gonna be here.

As a matter of fact, he left Paris on schedule,

landed in New York, caught a shuttle to Boston

and is on Roy's next flight.

Which means he's gonna walk through those doors

in three and a half minutes.

( sarcastically ): Yeah, sure he will.

Hey, Fay.

Uh, Joe said one of these lights was on the fritz.

Oh, that one in the corner, Lowell.

Fay, what is this?

Oh, that's my rat.

I kidnapped her from the Psychology lab.

Okay.

Get away clean now, or--? Oh, what the hell? Go ahead.

Well, my instructor promised that she would only be used

for a few harmless experiments.

But he lied.

Ah, they always lie.

First they suck you in with the free milk and cookies.

Next thing you know, you're running naked through a maze.

Well, Fay, it is not staying in my office.

These things are gross.

A rat.

What do the people in coach get?

Oh, no, listen, please, Joe.

If I take her back to school,

they're going to hurt her.

And I-- I've grown attached to her.

She's become almost like my colleague.

And you don't wanna see harm come to a colleague.

Generally speaking.

Besides, how many times do we have to prove

that when an animal receives a shock for doing something

it learns not to do it again?

( electricity zapping ) ( groans )

One more time.

( electricity zapping ) ( groans )

One more time.

( electricity zapping ) ( groans )

Eh, you see, Joe?

That could be happening to her.

Oh, please let me keep her here.

All right, all right. But just don't let the passengers see it.

Oh, look at her. She's sweet.

Oh, oh, she's licking my finger.

I think she likes me.

Maybe it's just how rats show professional courtesy.

You can tease me all you want,

but I called the hotel

and Davis confirmed his reservation.

He'll be here.

( sarcastically ): Yeah, sure he will.

( gasps lightly ) Davis.

"Yeah, sure he will."

Helen! ( laughing )

Wait a second.

Didn't you used to be a redhead?

Wow, you've put on a lot of weight.

And I thought you were taller.

You know, I-I-- I remember you being a much better dresser.

Gee, I'm not attracted to you at all.

Me neither. What were we thinking?

Beats me.

Oh, what is that? Witty banter?

Pfft! Helen's not witty, what the hell's he done to her?

So look who I found.

Hi. DAVIS: Hi. Heh-heh!

So, what do you wanna do?

First off, I'm gonna take you out to lunch.

As a matter of fact, why don't I take everybody?

It'll give us a chance to get to know each other.

Great idea. I'm in.

Uh, I'll pass. Look, Joe,

I know I'm not exactly your favorite person.

No, I never said that.

Boy, I would have.

I didn't invest in your business,

I'm dating your old girlfriend.

I'd hate my guts.

Well, maybe we do have something in common.

Come on, Joe. Be nice to him.

You know how long it took for Helen to find a new boyfriend.

Come on, Joe, please. I want you two to be friends.

All right, okay,

but, uh, you don't have to buy me lunch.

I'll buy you lunch.

Uh, as a matter of fact, I'll buy everybody lunch.

Terrific.

Say, Helen, do you mind if we stop off at the hotel?

I wanna dump my bags.

Sure. I'll meet you out there.

All right. Hey, listen, uh,

I-I know you wanted to buy us lunch,

and Joe stole your thunder.

But, uh, if it'll make you feel any better,

I'd be willing to take the cash equivalent.

Joe, that was very generous of you.

And I know it wasn't easy. Thank you very much.

It's harder than you think.

How much you need? Fifty oughta do it.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

So you don't mind if I jump in the shower real quick?

I just need to wake up.

Okay, sure, no problem. Great.

Heh! Can you believe how transparent that guy is?

HELEN: Ugh! Joe.

No, hey, I came up here with a good attitude.

But come on, the only reason he brought us here

is to show off his fancy hotel room.

Oh, please. Well, what does he need it for?

He's here for one night. All he needs

is a bed, a blanket and a toilet.

He's not doing time, Joe.

I mean, really, does he think anyone's gonna be impressed

by all this? ( door opens )

Wow, would you look at this place?

Woo!

It's gorgeous. Man, tell me.

Look at this. Fireplace, antiques,

great view, eh-- Whoa! Hello.

The honor bar.

Ho-ho! Oh, baby. I-I-- I love this.

Seventeen-fifty for macadamia nuts.

Now, that's obscene. What kind of sucker

would pay that kind of money for junk food?

DAVIS: Help yourself to anything you want out there!

Yo, Brian, toss me those nuts.

Wow, feel this leather.

This thing must have cost a fortune.

You know, you can tell an awful lot about a person

from what's in their suitcase.

Hey, Brian, don't.

Oh, come on, Helen. Here, look at this.

Check this out. Cashmere sweaters.

Means he's got money.

Armani ties. He's got taste.

Tell you what else he's got.

Way too much time on his hands.

Put that back. Just-- Oh, come on. Hey, Joey, Joey.

Check this stuff out. Lookit. JOE: Not now.

I got a thirst than can only be quenched

by an $8 can of orange juice.

Step aside, I wanna see what other toys he brought with him.

Brian, this is private. Now, stop it.

Come on, Helen.

It's like going to somebody's apartment

and peeking in the medicine cabinet. Everybody does it.

Eh, you looked in my medicine cabinet?

Yes. And you have some lip gloss to explain.

Come on, Helen, aren't you at least a bit curious?

No, not at all. Oh, of course you are.

Listen, we can hear the shower.

When it cuts off, we'll give you the eye sign.

Cover me, I'm going in.

There's really not anything special in here.

Just shirts and sweaters and shoe--

Ooh. He brought me a present. Hee-hee!

Helen, you shouldn't open that.

Yes, I'm gonna open it.

That way I know how to reciprocate, you know?

Cover my butt.

Well, that's really not gonna do it.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh, God, I hope this is not for me.

Maybe he bought it for another woman. Bastard.

Or maybe it's for him, the bitch.

Come on, he came here to see you.

This was in his suitcase.

And who else could it be for?

Maybe there's something else that goes with it.

I believe you're supposed to have what goes with it.

( water stops running )

Shhh.

He turned the shower off.

Get it in there.

I think this tissue was more... No, the label was on top.

( indistinct arguing )

Uh-oh.

( blow dryer humming ) He's drying his hair. Quick.

Wasn't that suitcase open?

Ahhh. Sorry I took so long.

Hope you found something to keep you busy.

We didn't find anything. We were just sitting here.

We barely moved.

Well, somebody sure got into something over here.

Brian, I told you not to--

Me? It was Joe. He made her, and you-- You--

( indistinct shouting ) Hey, hey, hey!

You don't have to apologize.

It's just a jar of nuts.

And a can of orange juice.

Good thing the bed was bolted down.

Oh, by the way, Helen, um, I made reservations,

but I thought maybe it'd be a bit more romantic

if we just had dinner right here in the room tonight.

If that's okay.

Yeah, that'd be fine.

Great.

( door closes )

Dinner in a room,

flimsy little teddy.

Your salad's gonna be wearing more dressing than you are.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Go on, say hello, Antonio.

Go on, Cupcake, say hello.

Ah, I think you're putting too much pressure on her.

Oh, give me a break. I know she can't talk.

No, your beefy mitts are squeezing the life out of her.

Oh, don't you worry.

I'd never let anything happen to my furry little Cupcake.

Yes. Ho-ho-ho!

I'm looking for Fay Cochran.

I'm Professor Lawson, her Psychology instructor.

Wait a second.

Aren't you the guy that made me run naked through a maze?

Don't know what you're talking about--

I'm not gonna tell you where Fay is.

She happens to be one of my dearest friends.

If you're here to give that lovely, caring woman problems,

you're gonna have to go through me.

Ms. Cochran has stolen university property.

Now, if you don't tell me where she is,

I'll have you arrested as well.

Fay? Company.

Oh, uh, Professor Lawson.

Are you flying with us today?

Ms. Cochran, you know why I'm here.

As I said on the phone, if you don't hand over the animal,

I'm going to have to call the police.

No. Miss Cochran.

Well, how would you like it if somebody stuck you in a cage

and-- And gave you a shock every time you made a wrong decision,

like... buying that jacket?

I-- I'm sorry, but I refuse to give her back.

And you won't change your mind.

No, I won't.

Well, then I have only one thing to say.

Congratulations.

What?

Ms. Cochran, this whole thing has been an experiment

in human behavior.

When I told the class the rats might be harmed,

you were the only one who took action.

Really? Yes.

You're obviously a very kindhearted,

highly-principled, compassionate woman.

Well, thank you very much.

I mean, I-- I've often been described

as a little ray of sunshine.

Uh, so you're not going to fry the little rodent?

Of course not.

She's a very valuable animal.

And brilliant too.

Did you know she can pick out "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider"

on a touch-tone phone?

Oh, eh, just one second. Roy.

Good news. Your little Cupcake's not in danger anymore.

So you can give her back to Professor Lawson.

Uh, it's too late.

I-- I heard him nosing around out here,

so I took her out to the parking lot

and I let her go.

You what?

She was born free, and she'll live free.

She wasn't born free. She was born in a lab.

Without that animal, two years of research

goes down the drain.

This will hardly help your grade, Miss Cochran.

Oh, oh, then thanks a lot, Roy.

( "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" playing on touch-tone phone )

( chuckles )

Oh, Cupcake, that's beautiful.

I can't believe he'd give me a gift like that.

It's completely inappropriate.

ALEX: I know exactly what Helen means.

It's too early in their relationship

for him to give her such an intimate gift.

You, on the other hand,

are way overdue.

That's right. When you're dating someone,

there's a specific order to gift-giving.

First date: flowers. Right?

Second date: stuffed animal. No bigger than this.

Fourth date: little more personal.

Keychain, perhaps.

Sixth date. All right, you're getting to know each other.

Now you can get a little more intimate.

Gloves.

She's not serious. Oh, yes she is.

When we were dating, I screwed up someplace around keychain,

I had to go all the way back to flowers.

Why don't you just put out a brochure:

The Do's and Don'ts of Dating Helen ?

Oh, that's easy: Don't.

What are we talking about?

How Helen's a little upset because Lynch bought her

this flimsy black lace teddy.

I'm not gonna sleep in it.

You're not supposed to sleep in it.

You put it on, do a half gainer off the headboard,

throw it in the corner till morning.

I've, uh-- I've never really gotten excited

from wearing women's lingerie.

Wait a second, Antonio. I think, heh--

I think you got caught in one of those language things.

Eh, what you meant to say

is that you never really got excited

seeing women wear lingerie.

Oh, yes, of course.

HELEN: Anyway, the point is,

Davis should not be thinking about my lingerie yet.

Wait a second. But he's a guy.

Two minutes after he met you

he was probably picturing you naked.

That's what guys do.

I know that. Girls do the same thing.

It's just that I feel really stupid.

I thought our relationship was special.

I thought we were growing into something meaningful.

But all that teddy means is he wants to get me into bed.

So, what are you gonna do?

Well, I have no choice. All I can do

is throw it in his face and break up with him.

Don't you think that's a little drastic?

He hasn't even given it to you yet.

Exactly. I mean, what are you gonna tell him?

"Now, I was snooping through your luggage,

"and I saw a present that didn't have my name on it,

so I opened it up"?

Good point.

All right.

I'll go to dinner with him,

wait till the little pig boy makes his move,

then I'll throw it in his face and break up with him.

Sounds like an evening.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

DAVIS: More champagne?

Oh, no, thank you.

Okay.

Well, this sure beats some crowded, stuffy restaurant, huh?

Yes, it's quite lovely. Thank you.

Hm.

Helen, is--? Is something wrong?

You've seemed a bit... uh...uh...

Oh, what's the word I'm looking for?

Icy?

Have I? Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I know what's wrong.

You think I went all the way to Paris

and didn't bring back a gift for you.

No, actually, I'd be real surprised if you didn't.

( chuckles )

Well, you don't have to worry.

Now, this is just a little something.

Trust me, it's not much.

Ain't that the truth.

I hope I chose correctly.

You're not the easiest person in the world to shop for.

See, that's where you're wrong.

I'm very easy to shop for.

I mean, a little stuffed animal would have been perfect.

No bigger than this.

Well, I'll-- I'll remember that for next time.

I hope you like it.

Oh, just give it to me.

Now, if you don't like it, promise me you'll tell me.

Oh, I'll promise.

You know, I really wish you hadn't done this, Davis.

I mean, it really is uncomfortable for me

to know that you think I'm the kind of person

that you can give a gift like...

soap.

They're hand-carved in the shape of little instruments.

The moment I saw it, I thought of you.

Soap?

Soap.

He got me soap.

You know, I waited all evening for him

to spring that teddy on me and he never did.

Damn him, he was a perfect gentleman.

You know, Helen,

French soap is not such a bad gift.

Yeah, maybe for Christmas he'll give you

a bottle of mouthwash and a stick of deodorant.

Wait, wait, wait.

I don't understand.

Uh, you're mad because he gave you a gift you did not want?

No, he gave me a perfectly nice gift.

Ah, I see. So, so,

you're mad because he did not give you a gift you did want.

No, I'm mad 'cause he didn't give me the teddy.

But-- But-- But-- But-- Heh-heh!

Thought you did not want the teddy.

I didn't. So you didn't get it,

so you should be happy, but you're not, you're furious.

Exactly. I've got to get off this ride.

Helen, face it.

He bought the teddy for someone else.

Thanks for the news flash, Joe.

Don't you think it occurred to me?

I just feel so stupid.

I thought we had a real relationship,

but he probably has a girl in every port,

one of whom is getting my damn teddy.

This guy cannot win.

First you're mad at him because he wants you to be dirty.

Now you're mad at him because he wants you to be clean?

So, what are you gonna do?

What else can I do? I'm gonna break up with him.

Look, Helen, if you're gonna dump the guy,

do it for the right reason:

'Cause he's an idiot.

Not over some silly misunderstanding.

Look, I'll be honest with you.

I have no idea what you see in that guy,

but if you see something worth saving, then save it.

You think I'm overreacting?

Oh, just a little.

Yeah, I mean, it's not like you have an exclusive relationship.

BRIAN: Right, don't forget, up until two days ago

this guy was Mr. Perfect.

Helen.

Just for the record,

I want you to know that I think Davis is a wonderful guy.

I think the two of you make a beautiful couple.

Thanks, Lowell.

You know what I just realized?

It's true what they say.

Nostrils are the windows to the soul.

Bye, Lowell. Bye.

You know, you guys are right.

I am overreacting.

I mean, that is none of my business.

I'm gonna forget this whole thing ever happened,

and I'm gonna forget I ever saw that stupid teddy.

Oh, hi, Davis.

Uh, just... came back to say goodbye.

Oh, Davis, is it that time already?

DAVIS: Yeah, I'm afraid so.

But I'll get back just as soon as I can.

If you...want me to.

Yes, of course I do.

Well, it was nice seeing you all again.

Take care. BRIAN: Bye.

So long.

Listen, I-I know I wasn't very good company last night,

but I just wanted to tell you

that I really appreciate your gift.

That was very sweet. Oh. Well, sure.

Helen, what are you doing?!

Give me that. I can't take this another minute.

Helen. Don't take--

Oh, don't play coy with me. I know what's in here.

What the--? That's my underwear.

I'm not talking about your underwear.

I'm talking about this. What is this?

If I'm soap, who the hell is silk?

31 and still single.

( chuckles )

I wonder why.

All right, who's it for? Who's this for? Come on.

Oh, Helen, this is really awkward.

Oh, yes, I bet it is.

Who's it for?

Oh, all right.

It's for you.

( scoffs ) No, it is.

Helen, I-- I...

I saw it in Paris and it...

It was so beautiful. I wanted you to have it.

But then I realized, it's too soon for me to give you

a gift like that.

So I decided to wait.

Really? Well, yeah.

There-- There's a protocol to gift-giving.

I-I didn't wanna rush it.

So, um, when were you planning on giving it to me?

I don't know. Probably somewhere around date ten or 12?

Right after monogrammed stationary?

Yeah, but before precious metals.

Oh, Davis.

Just one thing, Helen.

How'd you even know it was in my suitcase?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )