Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uhh, Helen...

I was wondering...

Do you have any plans for Christmas?

Oh, yes.

Right after the children's Christmas party tomorrow night,

I'm going to New York to see Davis.

We're gonna go ice skating in Central Park,

a horse-drawn carriage down 5th Avenue,

dinner at Tavern on the Green,

and then we're going to the Lincoln Center

to see The Nutcracker.

So, what about you?

Oh, uhh, I have plans. Uhh..

I'm going to watch

Charlie Brown's A Very Snoopy Christmas.

Oh, well that sounds nice too.

And then, I think I'll kill myself.

Hey, what are you doing? Oh, there you are.

Look, uhh...

I-I don't have any plans for Christmas,

and I was wondering what you're doing.

In exactly... 22 hours and 44 minutes,

Alex and I are going to be making our way

to a romantic little cottage in Vermont,

where we will drink champagne, exchange gifts,

and then proceed to unwrap... each other.

I think I would feel out of place.

Just got off the phone with my mom.

Yeah.

Turns out all four of my brothers

were able to get holiday leave from Fort Benning.

Means I'll be the only one who won't be there for Christmas.

Oh, baby, baby, baby.

I know exactly what you're thinking,

and I'll tell ya what we'll do.

When we get to Vermont,

we'll just send them a nice can of syrup.

Or, the two of us could go to Florida.

Give you a chance to meet my whole family.

( laughs )

She's funny, she's funny.

You already told them we were coming, didn't you?

They're meeting us at the airport.

You're the best.

Okay, so... no, no, it's fine, it's fine.

Instead of cavorting on a satin-covered bed with Alex,

I'll be, uhh...

in a Tallahassee retirement village,

sleeping on an Army cot next to her brother Duane

and his collection of enemy teeth.

All right, Helen, time for a status report.

Did you bake the cookies?

Yes, I did.

Uhh, did you get the egg nog?

Yes, I did.

Did you take the strawberries out to thaw?

Yes, I did.

Am I sensing an attitude here?

Yes, you are.

Helen, Helen, Helen, you don't seem to understand

the importance of this Christmas party.

Fay, just relax, it's gonna be fine.

Fine isn't good enough.

It has to be better than

the party Edna Pillit threw last year.

Now, I thought we were throwing this

to see smiles on the little children's faces.

Who?

Fay, the children,

the people we're having the party for.

Oh yeah, them.

Hey, Roy, look at this.

Is that not a great tree?

I-I don't know what it is, the shape, the size.

There's just something about it, I love this tree.

You two wanna be alone?

Hey, look, I just happen to think that

the tree is the most important part of Christmas.

I couldn't agree more, Hackett, that is why I got this baby.

( "Deck the Halls" playing )

I can't wait to see the look on Mom's face

when I bring her this at the home.

You're giving that cheesy thing to your mother?

Don't worry, with Mom's eyesight,

she'll think it's the tree at Rockefeller Center.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho-ho, ho, ho, ho.

Ho-ho-ho.

Lowell?

What-what are you doing?

Well, I agreed to play Santa Claus

for the big Christmas party, so,

I'm trying to get under the skin of this Claus guy,

see what makes him tick.

Hey, do you have any plans for Christmas Eve?

No. I have no plans. I'm totally available.

Great. 'Cause I need someone to play the dumb elf.

At least it's something to do.

Okay.

Hi, Lowell.

Hi, Antonio. Hi, Bunny.

Bunny.

I didn't know you were coming over here for Christmas.

Well, my friend Susie's getting married tonight,

and I'm a bridesmaid.

Fine. Isn't that something?

Ol' Susie actually managed to land somebody.

You'd never expect it, what with the spindly little legs

and that big banana head of hers.

Yeah, she's not exactly the pick of the litter.

I wonder why I'm not invited to the wedding.

Susie and her fiancé figured since we're divorced

it wouldn't be appropriate for you to be there.

Right, right. Who's she marrying?

You cousin Larry.

Well, I gotta go.

Merry Christmas.

( over radio ): God rest ye merry, Gentleman, Let nothing you dismay

WOMAN: Taxi!

--Christ our Savior Was born on Christmas day

Hi, Bunny.

Antonio.

Boy, what are the chances of hailing a cab and getting you?

On this island, about one in four.

So, where can I take you, Bunny?

To the Harbor House.

So, how was your friend's wedding?

Oh, it was beautiful.

And I was the most popular girl in the reception line.

One of her uncles came back three times.

I guess he was overcome by emotion.

Nah, he was blitzed.

You know, it feels really weird, me sitting way back here,

and you up there.

Well, now that you mention it, it does kind of feel like

I'm "driving Miss Bunny."

Why don't I just pull over, and then you could come...

Or you could just hurdle the front seat.

Oh, Christmas.

It's such a wonderful time of year, isn't it?

Oh, it's magical.

Making angels in the snow.

Listening to carolers.

Decorating the tree.

Watching It's a Wonderful Life.

Being downtown with all the lights and the decorations

and seeing all the...

happy couples walking hand in hand.

Sitting alone at Midnight Mass.

Opening the Christmas present you bought for yourself,

and trying to look surprised.

Watching It's a Wonderful Life, again.

Wondering why Jimmy Stewart didn't jump off that bridge.

I hate Christmas.

It sucks.

( crying )

Don't cry, Bunny.

Don't cry. I'm sorry.

I probably...

I probably just had too much champagne.

No, it's not the champagne.

It's the holidays.

Sometimes they're just so depressing.

Yeah, I know.

They are supposed to make us feel so joyful,

but if we don't have loved ones to share them with,

then all of the joy turns into a sadness.

That is so deep.

A man in a cab has a lot of time to think.

Thanks for listening to me.

Ah, it's my pleasure.

And look at that, mistletoe.

( both chuckle )

And it's also an air freshener.

( both sniff )

Merry Christmas, Antonio.

Merry Christmas, Bunny.

( both laugh )

Joy to the world The Lord has come

Let Earth receive her King

Aside from the fact that that Christmas tree

looks like a tumbleweed, I thought I gave you

specific instructions to have it placed downstairs.

Fay, I thought that it was tradition

that we placed it upstairs.

You thought.

Well, let me explain something.

A party is like Santa's sleigh;

only one reindeer can be in the front,

or the sleigh will veer off course.

That's why I'm in charge.

You and Joe are Donner and Blitzen.

I'm Rudolf.

I'm the one with the big red nose.

I'd like to give you a big red nose.

Suckin' all the joy out of Christmas.

Wish Santa's sleigh would run over you.

I can't take this anymore, can't wait til this stupid--

Change of plans, Joe.

Rudolf the red-nosed nutcase wants the tree downstairs.

I don't think it's well enough to make the trip.

Wow, what happened to it? It looked so good yesterday.

I don't know.

It took a turn for the worse during the night.

Guess we should get a new tree.

No, no, it'll be fine.

Joe, I think it's time.

Time for what?

To pull the plug.

You're right, it's probably for the best.

( sighs )

You did the right thing, Hackett.

If it had lived, it would've been a total vegetable.

I'll go notify it's next of kindling.

What are you doing up at this time of night?

Did you have another accident?

I needed pajamas, I wanted to see if they would fit.

I can't very well walk around

Alex's parent's house in my underwear, can I?

No, that would look silly.

Unlike a grown man with little kitties on his jammies.

It's Christmas, the pickins were really slim.

It was either these, or these with feet.

Well, those are definitely you.

( sighs ): I have to find a new Christmas tree.

Why? What happened to the one you bought yesterday?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Just so you know, if my brothers see you in those,

they'll shave your head.

Look, Alex, I-I--

I'm kidding, they're cute.

Umm, listen, I just came by to tell you

that Mom wants you to play Tiny Tim

in the Christmas pageant.

The Christmas pageant?

Yeah, well after we open up presents,

we act out A Christmas Carol in the living room.

Oh. We do it for my Dad.

( mumbling ) He loves it.

Listen, Alex, Alex.

Alex...

I've got a, umm, flight,

so I'll talk to you in about an hour, okay?

( whines ): I don't wanna play Tiny Tim.

Well, what's the big deal?

So you limp around the living room a little.

No, man, it's not, it's not just Tiny Tim.

I mean, it's-it's everything.

It's the look.

What look?

The look that's gonna be in her father's eye

while he's shaking my hand that says,

"I know you've been doing it with my little girl."

Oh, good, you're both here.

I-I need to talk to you. I've got a big problem.

Oh, really? Wait in line, 'cause I got a problem of my own.

I'm still stuck going to Alex's parent's house for the holidays.

I've got two hours to find a Christmas tree.

I slept with Bunny in the back seat of my cab.

BOTH: You win.

Wow, wow, wow, man. You and Bunny, huh?

I know, I-I am scum, I-I--

I am dirt, I am lower then dirt.

I-I'm the dirt beneath dirt.

Antonio, these things happen.

I mean, you're only human, and we are talking about Bunny.

I know, but--

I should've been stronger.

I should not have let her sit so close.

I should not have let her kiss me.

I-I should not have let her do so many of the things she did...

so well...

But I-I mean, how serious is this?

You're not thinking of seeing any more of Bunny, are you?

Oh, no, no. We both agreed it was just a one-time thing, but.

The guilt is eating me alive.

Hey, why don't you go to confession,

that might make you feel better.

I already did.

You know, I don't think I'm the first person

to confess about Bunny.

When I mentioned her name, the priest lowered my penance

from 10 Hail Marys, to four.

There's only one thing to do.

I-I must find Lowell, and admit this terrible thing I've done.

Bad idea.

Antonio, Antonio, hold up, man, hold up, hold up.

Listen, if you're not gonna see Bunny anymore,

then what's the point of telling Lowell?

Yeah, you know how crazy Lowell gets about Bunny.

If you really wanna be a friend, don't tell him.

You don't understand.

When Antonio Scarpacci sleeps with another man's wife,

he tells him. That is a friend.

I'm still wearing my pajamas, aren't I?

Ah, ho, ho, ho. There's my little elf.

Yeah, look, Lowell...

I-I am feeling so upset right now--

I-I really need to talk to you.

Antonio, it's almost time for the party.

Go put on your elf suit.

And do you know where Joe is with the tree?

Ho, ho, ho. No I don't, Fay.

Can it, Lowell, I'm in no mood.

And where is everyone? Where are the carolers?

Where are all the little kids?

Helen, are you sure you told them

the Christmas party was tonight?

No, Fay, I told them the Christmas party

was the Fourth of July.

Oh, aren't we droll?

And I think you'd better take out

the other container of strawberries.

There is no other container of strawberries

What do you mean? I bought it myself.

No, Fay, you only bought one.

I don't recall that.

Oh, Joe.

W-where's my Christmas tree?

Oh, Fay, I am so sorry.

I looked everywhere, and I promise you,

there is not a Christmas tree left on this island.

Oh, won't Edna Pillit have a field day with this.

I am so sick of hearing that woman's name.

You want a tree? I'll get you a damn tree.

Roy?

I need to borrow your tree in a briefcase.

Oh, Hackett, that's for my mom.

It's gonna make her whole Christmas.

I'll give you 50 bucks.

Deal.

I'll tell her she slept through Christmas.

All right, Fay... here it is.

( "Deck the Halls" playing )

Have a merry...

portable, prefab, plastic little Christmas.

Is it any wonder they call it

the most magical time of the year.

Oh...

Oh, Brian. I'm all ready to go.

I can't wait to see the look in Dad's eye when he meets you.

Listen, Alex, there's something I gotta say to you.

I can't go with you to your parents.

Wh-why not?

The truth is...

my Aunt Martha broke her hip.

She was setting up a Nativity scene,

and she tripped and fell over a wise man.

How many more of these senseless Nativity accidents

must we endure until they make those things safe?

Why don't you just say it?

You don't want to go to my parents'.

( muffled ): I don't wanna go to you parents'.

I can't believe you just said that.

Alex...

Announcing the departure of Aeromass flight 19 to Boston.

And the arrival of a man

with absolutely no self-respect whatsoever.

Oh, it's about time, Antonio.

Now come over here. Stand right here.

And you can help the little children climb onto Santa's lap.

What little children?

Don't start with me.

Nobody likes a smart-elf.

Okay, Lowell, Lowell.

Listen, I-I-- We have to talk.

I've been kicking myself all day.

That would explain why your shoes are curled up.

( laughs )

Ho, ho, ho, there, Bunny. Guess who?

Hi, Lowell.

Damn, she guessed it.

Hi, Antonio.

( mumbles ): Yeah, hi, how are you?

So, Bunny, did you have a good time last night?

Oh, yeah. I had a wonderful time last night.

( whimpering )

It was the best wedding I've ever been to.

Well, Merry Christmas, Lowell.

Oh, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Antonio.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Bye.

Bye, Bunny.

Lowell, listen. I have got to get this off my chest.

Ho, ho, ho, welcome, children.

Now, come over here and see Santa Claus.

This is the big party?

It sucks.

Why are you children so big?

You're supposed to be much smaller.

What are you doing here?

Relax, granny.

There was an invitation up in the teen center.

The teen center?

Helen, you were supposed to call the children's center,

not the teen center.

You've ruined my party!

Fay, I just called the number that you gave me.

I should've seen this coming.

You've all been disloyal to me from the start.

Fay, give it a rest.

Oh, I've tried to run this party properly,

but you fought me at every turn.

All of you, it was sabotage.

First Joe tried to make me look foolish with the Christmas tree,

and then there were the strawberries.

Ah, the strawberries.

I-I know there were two containers, not one.

And I'd have proved it, if I had the time.

I could have...

I really could have.

Fay...

It's me, Helen.

It's time for me to take over now.

I'm just gonna take the clipboard...

No...

and let's end this.

No, no, you can't have it,

I'm still in charge!

My clipboard!

Whoa... Grandma's strokin' out.

So, uh, which one of you boys

is gonna be the first to hop up in ol' Santa's lap?

Get real, perv.

Oh, oh.

You think you're too old for Santa Claus, is that it?

Well, you're never too old for Santa.

Uhh, come here, little dumb elf.

Uhh, hop up on Santa's lap.

Come on, Antonio, get the ball rolling.

Now then, just tell old Santa Claus

what you want for Christmas.

Forgiveness from God.

How about a train set?

But, but first, you gotta tell Santa,

have you been naughty or nice?

Oh, no, Santa.

I-I've not been nice.

I've been very naughty.

Uh, ho, ho, ho.

Uhh, it couldn't have been that bad,

what'd you do?

I slept with the ex-Mrs. Claus.

Uhh, ho, ho-- Huh?

Last night, Bunny and I...

You and Bunny?

Lowell, let me explain.

Alex, Alex, Alex, I wanna go to your parents'.

It's too late, I don't want you to go.

Good, 'cause I was lying,

I don't wanna go. Oh, another lie.

No, it's my party,

and it's not over til I say it's over.

Hey, hey, hey...

Where you going with that?

Look, you're not gonna need it.

( indistinct arguing )

( singing in distance )

Round yon Virgin Mother And Child

( arguing gets quiet )

Holy Infant so tender And mild

Sleep in Heavenly peace

Sleep in Heavenly peace

( indistinct yelling )

We wish you A Merry Christmas

We wish you A Merry Christmas

We wish you A Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year

( piano theme playing )