Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uh, your attention please.

For those of you flying Sandpiper Air today,

please remember that your carryon luggage

must remain with you at all times

and small children must be stowed

under the seat in front of you.

Oh, my. Um.

Um, o-obviously you'd want to keep your children with you

and stow your luggage.

Besides, the average small child

wouldn't even fit under our seats.

W-well, not without a struggle.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( rock music playing on radio )

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Another big Saturday night

and we're looking for caller number ten.

Get to your phones, people.

We're talking about 5000 big ones.

Those boards are lighting up.

Eight, nine and caller number ten.

Your name is...

Antonio Scarpacci.

Roy Biggins.

Fay Cochran.

Wanda Steven.

Damn! Damn.

Damn.

Okay, Wanda, here's your question:

What's the state bird of Oklahoma?

( Antonio groans )

Why couldn't I get that one?

Everybody knows it's the rose-breasted grosbeak.

No, it isn't. It's the scissor-tailed flycatcher.

Fay, trust me.

I know my state birds.

I-I learned them on a place mat at Stuckey's.

( foghorn on radio )

Sorry, Wanda.

The correct answer is the scissor-tailed flycatcher.

She's been right on the last 12.

Fay, how do you know all these things?

Well, uh, did you ever hear of Funk & Wagnalls encyclopedia?

Yeah. Yeah.

I dated a Funk.

I can't believe this.

What is a hot, young stud like me doing

wasting a Saturday night with you two,

when I could be out with any number of beautiful women?

Let's just count how many things are wrong with that statement.

Well, n-n-now, wait. I have an idea.

We could all go in this together,

and that way we'd have a better chance of winning.

You know, Fay, you might have a point.

With the ton of useless crap between your ears

and my speed dialers,

we just might have a shot at this.

Yeah, well, why not?

Besides what else is there to do on a Saturday night

in this frozen winter wasteland we call Nantucket?

Hey, is anybody interested in going down to the junior high

and seeing this production of Jesus Christ Superstar?

Oh, no, they cancelled it. Jesus couldn't make it.

He got grounded.

Perfect. I hate Saturday nights.

Oh, Joe. My nails are wet.

Quick. Get this hair outta my face.

Wow. What are you doing tonight?

Thanks. Uh, Davis is coming in

on Roy's next flight.

So you're not doing anything either.

Maybe we can go grab a pizza.

Don't worry. He's coming.

Pepperoni okay?

Joe, stop it.

You just don't like Davis

because he wouldn't lend you the money

and it crushed your dreams and ruined your life

and yadda yadda yadda--

Do you think this dress needs a necklace? Yeah.

Hey, Joe.

Ah, it's another big Saturday, huh?

You know, the night belongs to macho, lusty hombres

like you and me.

Lowell, why are you talking like a beer commercial?

Hey, it's a beer-commercial life.

You know, fast women, hot cars, and guys who laugh like this:

Look, tell you what.

If you promise never to do that again,

maybe you and me could sort of hang out, do something.

Ah, sorry, Joe.

Yeah, Tucker and I are gonna go on a rat-shoot tonight.

Now, you know I'd invite you along,

but you know what they say about rat-shoots.

Two's company. Three's crossfire.

Hey, did you guys figure out anything to do tonight?

I am desperate.

Yeah, we're going to the movies. Want to come?

Oh, yes. Great. What are we seeing?

It's a Rainer Werner Fassbinder festival.

What?

Please don't make me say it again.

They're showing Fear Eats the Soul

and Berlin Alexanderplatz.

Uh, not that desperate.

Listen, why don't you just go out with Helen?

Oh, she's waiting for Lynch to show up.

I'll never understand that relationship.

Ha, ha. What don't you understand?

He's charming, romantic, funny and incredibly successful.

I used to go out with a guy just like him.

Clearly you've gotten over that.

We better get going. The movie starts in 20 minutes.

Wait one second.

This-- This incredibly successful guy.

Who was he?

What?

If I tell you his name it-- It'll just drive you crazy.

Oh, he's a name?

W-would I know who he is?

Can we drop it?

Well, drop who? Who are we dropping, exactly?

Come on, Brian.

I don't ask you about all the women you've dated.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Okay, I've dated lots and lots of women, but, uh...

I mean, nobody famous.

Lots? Exactly how many?

Exactly how famous?

Very famous. Very many.

Brian, please. Let's just stop this.

It'll ruin our entire night. All right.

You're absolutely right. It's stupid. It's stupid.

Is he a politician, actor, rock star?

Rock star?

Oh, I knew it!

It's that weasel Sting, isn't it?

To hell with this. I'm going home.

Call me when you grow up.

What happened? I thought you were gonna

go to the movies with Alex.

Yeah, so did I.

Ask her one little question

and she went Alexanderplatz on me.

Okay, Joe. You win.

How about half pepperoni and half mushroom?

He cancelled again?

No, his secretary called.

She said that his meeting with the Hong Kong consortium

ran late.

What the hell's a consortium, anyway?

Uh, I think it comes from the Latin "consort,"

meaning one who dumps his date for business.

This sucks.

Tell me about it.

Well, why don't the three of us do something?

I think I'll pass. Yeah, me too.

Oh, man, you know, I remember a time

when the three of us knew how to have fun together.

Remember when we went to that political rally

and we just signed that petition without even reading it?

( sarcastically ): Yeah, I'm still tingling.

Oh, come on.

Let's get off this rut. Let's go to Boston.

A city where people do something.

A city where people drink for social reasons.

What the hell? Let's go. Let's do it.

All right. Come on. Let's go.

All right. Aw, man.

Hey, Joe.

You know, you looked a little down before.

So I called up Tucker.

Told him that we had to put the rat-shoot off

till another night.

So I'm all yours.

Uh, Lowell, I already kinda made plans with Brian and Helen.

I see.

So I guess I made Tucker cry for nothing.

Well, that's okay, Joe.

You just go off with your cool friends.

It'll just be me, some sad music

and a loaded shotgun.

Okay. What do you say? What do you say?

Yeah. Okay, yeah.

All right! Oh, I finally made it.

You know, you go your whole life being the odd man out

and then one day

a kind, gracious hand reaches out to you.

Hey, where you guys off to?

Oh, for God's sake, I hope we're not letting him in.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Now, don't go away 'cause we're gonna have an $8000 question.

Right after this.

All right, d-don't worry.

We'll get through.

You know what they say.

The 73rd time is the charm.

Is Brian here?

Uh, no. He went to Boston.

Damn. Well, when is he gonna be back?

I don't know, dear. What's wrong?

Oh, well. We had kind of a fight.

I was hoping to patch things up with him.

Well, since you're free, and, uh...

all leathered up.

( chuckles )

Why don't you come over to my place

and I'll fire up the old hot tub?

Sounds good.

You bring the towels,

I'll bring the electric toaster.

I don't ask twice.

I'll be right back.

You know, Cochran, it occurs to me.

With your brains and my speed dialers,

and 8000 bucks on the line,

what do we need Mr. Green Card for?

ANTONIO: I heard that! I heard that.

Hey, listen, listen, if you think for one minute

my friend Fay would squeeze me out of this deal,

you got another thing coming.

She would never, ever, ever leave me out--

F-- Jump in any time here, Fay.

Oh, right.

No, I'm not in without Antonio.

Oh, all right, all right.

Can't blame me for trying. Gee.

What do we need him for?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Come on, Joe. We've been to two boring bars.

We got kicked out of a night club.

Enough is enough. Let's go.

Look, Helen, we could've stayed at that last place

if Lowell hadn't tried to pass himself off as a Kennedy.

Ask not what your country--

BRIAN, HELEN & JOE: Shut up!

Now, look, that bartender said there's a great party in 2D.

This is 2D. Let's go. BRIAN: You know what?

Maybe I should just call Alex.

I can't get into this. Look. Come on, Brian.

I can't-- Look, look, there might be

a woman behind that door who doesn't bust your chops

every time you make an innocent remark.

There might be a guy in there

who will actually show up for a date.

Thanks.

What's behind that door for me, Joe?

I don't know, Lowell.

Maybe there's a big fat rat and you can kill it.

Cool.

All right, look. You guys do whatever you want.

I am going in.

Excuse me.

( music and chatter )

Well, okay. For Joe's sake.

Yeah, just for Joe.

JOE: Oh, wow. Hey, didn't I tell you I'd find you a good time?

Okay, huddle up.

There's attractive women all over the field, okay?

Joe, you go long. I'll go short.

Helen, you got available guys here and here.

Lowell, um--

You're on your own.

Okay, break.

Well, that was productive.

Oh, you're telling me.

I got three business cards

and an appointment with a podiatrist.

Come on, come on. We're here to have a good time.

Who's thirsty?

( sighs ): Beer me.

Wouldn't mind a beer too, Joe.

Here's to good friends.

It just doesn't get any better than this.

Hey, do you want to meet him? You do? No, no. Shh.

Hi. You alone?

JOE: It, uh, doesn't have to be that way, you know.

The person you're looking for

could be standing right in front of you.

Uh, look, I should tell you that I'm not...gay.

( chuckling ): Oh, I'm not gay. I'm talking about her.

I'm not gay.

Ah.

( chuckling ): Well, as long as that's all settled.

I'm Ted.

Hi, I'm Helen. Hi. Nice to meet you.

You can thank me later.

Well, I finally found out what you do well:

pick up guys.

That's funny.

You better hope I leave some of these women for you.

No way, man. Count me out. I'm-- I'm not doing this.

I'm not gonna cheat on Alex.

I'm just not gonna-- Oh, excuse me. Sorry.

Well, hello.

( chuckles )

Look, uh, I don't want to sound full of myself,

but I know what "well, hello" means and, uh--

Before this gets any further

I think you should know that I'm involved in, uh...

the casting of a major motion picture...

I think you'd actually be perfect for.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

I couldn't help noticing you sitting over her.

I just love piano music.

Hey, who doesn't?

So, uh, can you play something just for me?

Me? Mm-hm.

Uh, I think I can.

( playing theme from Entertainment Tonight )

That's the theme from Entertainment Tonight.

Do you know anything classical?

Classical. Hmm.

I think I do.

( playing theme from Entertainment Tonight with flourishes )

How you doing?

Thought you might like another drink.

Thank you. That's very nice.

What's your name?

Joe. Joe Hackett.

I'm Deidre. It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Look, uh--

Hope this doesn't sound like a really bad line,

but you are gorgeous.

How bad can it be? It's working.

So you're a pilot, huh?

Yeah, at your service.

Fly you anywhere you want to go. Heh.

How about my place? It's right upstairs.

Would you excuse me for a minute?

Mm-hm.

Joe. Joe, c-could I talk to you for a second.

Just excuse me one second.

I'll be right back. Don't go.

What, what?

( sighs )

I got a real problem here, man.

This woman is all over me.

Oh, man. I got the same problem over here.

What will we do?

No, come on. Stop it. I'm being serious.

I don't want to cheat on Alex.

Then you're right. You do have a problem.

( jazzy version of theme from Entertainment Tonight playing on piano )

Hey, Jane Fonda. Fifty-five years young today.

Hold on a second.

Don't you know any other songs?

Well, to be honest with you,

I didn't even know I knew this one.

( playing theme from Entertainment Tonight )

All right, look, Sheila.

If we go back to your place, you know what's gonna happen.

I have a pretty good idea.

Well, um, I'm gonna end up telling you about my girlfriend.

Boy, was I wrong.

No, no, no, l-- Sheila.

Don't get me wrong.

It's not that I don't find you attractive. I--

I do.

It's just that if I go back to your apartment,

in a weird way

it would be impossible

to not have my girlfriend right there with me.

That's not so weird. Bring her along.

Is there anything I could say to you to turn you off?

Yeah, that you don't have $300.

Yeah, but I mean, why would I need--?

Unless you're a...

Well, I am.

You're a...

hooker.

( chuckles )

Uh, I prefer call girl, but yeah.

All the girls here are.

Look, I don't mean to get personal,

but do your parents know what you do for a living?

Um, well, of course they do.

Actually, I took the business over from my mother.

Your mother?

Uh, yeah.

She actually taught me everything I know.

( both chuckle )

So, um, Deidre, what do you do?

( chuckles )

What do you think I do?

I'm a party girl.

Well, hey, I'm a party guy.

( both laugh )

You know, Joe, I'm wildly attracted to you.

What do you say we get out of here and go to my place?

Really? Mm. Really.

Joe, could I talk to you for a sec?

No, not right now.

She wants me.

Yeah, I know. No, you don't.

I mean, she really wants me.

Come on. No, hey. Come on.

Would you leave me alone?

I found this great girl.

She's smart and she's funny.

She's-- She's a hooker.

Not my Deidre.

Joey, for $300 she's anybody's Deidre.

These girls: they're all professionals.

Are you sure?

Have you ever done this well in your life?

Oh, damn!

JOE: Oh, my God.

That must mean that Helen's guy

thinks that she's a...

Do you know what I'd really like to do?

What?

No, I don't think I can say it.

Oh, sure you can.

Well, all right.

I'd like you to dress up like Little Bo-peep...

hog-tie me to the bedpost,

and spank me for being the bad, bad boy that I am.

Excuse me?

Well, I know the going rate for you girls is $300,

but for this I'm willing to up it to five.

Oh, my God. That is the most disgu--

Five-hundred dollars?

What do you take me for?

Joe, you know what this guy just said to me?

Uh, yeah, yeah. I have a pretty good idea.

What's going on here?

Uh, listen, why don't you try Deidre?

I think she's just your type. Come on. Let's go.

Gosh, I can't believe-- Five-hundred dollars?

Lowell, Lowell. Come on. Come on

We got to get outta here. Come on.

Hey, Brian, do you know what kind of party this is?

Yeah, I do. Let's go.

And you know what all these girls are?

Yeah, I do. Let's go.

All right, well, I just have one question:

how long has Helen been a hooker?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( easy listening music playing on radio )

Okay, we're looking for caller number nine.

Those boards are lighting up. It's ringing.

Eight, nine. It's ringing.

And your name is?

It's me. It's me. Antonio Scarpacci

Caller number nine is Antonio Scarpacci.

Okay, Antonio.

For $12,000 cash,

are you ready for your question?

No, no, no, not yet. Fay's not here.

Roy, get Fay.

She-- She went out to the car to get her knitting.

Sorry, no time to wait.

Your question is:

Who is known as the father of Impressionism?

Oh, no.

It's okay. I know this one.

The father of Impressionism is...

Rich Little.

Rich Little? What an idiot.

( foghorn on radio )

I'm sorry.

The correct answer is Claude Monet.

Way to go, Answer Man.

Rich Little?! Are you out of your mind?

We spent the whole night trying to get through!

I have had it with this stupid contest.

I'm going home.

Oh. Huh.

Well, there's six hours of my life

I'll never get back.

I can't believe you said

the father of Impressionism was Rich Little!

Hey, I have been to Vegas dozens of times.

I never heard of this Monet guy.

Oh!

( sighs )

I can't believe he thought I was a hooker.

Huh, me neither. And of all the insulting--

Uh, excuse me just a second.

If I wanted to make a living as a hooker,

I could make a very good one.

If I wanted to.

ALEX: Oh, you're back.

Um, Helen, did you see Davis out there?

What?

Yeah, he felt bad so he cancelled his business

and he hired a jet and flew here to be with you.

I guess you must have missed him.

Did you hear that, Joe?

I could have been here having dinner with him,

but no, you had to drag me off to...

the best little whorehouse in Boston.

Thanks a lot, Joe.

Where's Brian? Oh, he's out

putting the plane away with Lowell.

He'll be here any minute.

So, Joe, I-I talked to Tucker,

and you know what?

He went out on the rat-shoot without me,

and he bagged a 20 pounder.

And where was I?

Ooh, I was off at a party with you

and beautiful, easy women.

( angrily ): Thanks a lot, Joe.

Do you believe all this?

I try to show these people a good time

and this is the thanks I get.

Oh, Alex, Alex. There you are.

Oh, man. I'm so glad you're back.

Listen,

that fight we had before--

It was stupid. It was all my fault.

Trust me.

I mean,

all night long everything I did,

everywhere I went,

every girl I met reminded me of you.

Aw. Even the hookers?

Even--

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )