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1
00:00:01,090 --> 00:00:03,090
( upbeat piano theme playing )
2
00:00:05,090 --> 00:00:07,090
Uh,
your attention please.
3
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:09,090
For those of you flying
Sandpiper Air today,
4
00:00:09,090 --> 00:00:11,100
please remember that your
carryon luggage
5
00:00:11,100 --> 00:00:13,100
must remain with you
at all times
6
00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:15,100
and small children
must be stowed
7
00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:16,600
under the seat
in front of you.
8
00:00:22,110 --> 00:00:24,610
Oh, my. Um.
9
00:00:24,610 --> 00:00:27,610
Um, o-obviously you'd want to
keep your children with you
10
00:00:27,610 --> 00:00:29,610
and stow
your luggage.
11
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,120
Besides,
the average small child
12
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,620
wouldn't even fit
under our seats.
13
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:42,630
W-well,
not without a struggle.
14
00:00:42,630 --> 00:00:44,630
( upbeat piano theme playing )
15
00:00:48,130 --> 00:00:49,630
( rock music playing on radio )
16
00:00:55,140 --> 00:00:56,640
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
17
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,140
Another big Saturday night
18
00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:01,650
and we're looking for
caller number ten.
19
00:01:01,650 --> 00:01:02,650
Get to your phones,
people.
20
00:01:02,650 --> 00:01:06,650
We're talking about
5000 big ones.
21
00:01:06,650 --> 00:01:08,150
Those boards
are lighting up.
22
00:01:08,150 --> 00:01:11,160
Eight, nine
and caller number ten.
23
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:12,160
Your name is...
24
00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:13,660
Antonio Scarpacci.
25
00:01:13,660 --> 00:01:15,160
Roy Biggins.
26
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:16,160
Fay Cochran.
27
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:17,660
Wanda Steven.
28
00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:19,660
Damn!
Damn.
29
00:01:19,660 --> 00:01:20,670
Damn.
30
00:01:20,670 --> 00:01:22,670
Okay, Wanda,
here's your question:
31
00:01:22,670 --> 00:01:26,670
What's the state bird
of Oklahoma?
32
00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:28,670
( Antonio groans )
33
00:01:28,670 --> 00:01:30,180
Why couldn't I get
that one?
34
00:01:30,170 --> 00:01:34,680
Everybody knows it's
the rose-breasted grosbeak.
35
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:37,680
No, it isn't. It's
the scissor-tailed flycatcher.
36
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:38,680
Fay, trust me.
37
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,190
I know my state birds.
38
00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:43,190
I-I learned them on
a place mat at Stuckey's.
39
00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:46,190
( foghorn on radio )
40
00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:48,190
Sorry, Wanda.
41
00:01:48,190 --> 00:01:52,200
The correct answer is
the scissor-tailed flycatcher.
42
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,200
She's been right
on the last 12.
43
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,700
Fay, how do you know
all these things?
44
00:01:57,700 --> 00:02:00,210
Well, uh, did you ever hear of
Funk & Wagnalls encyclopedia?
45
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:01,210
Yeah.
Yeah.
46
00:02:01,210 --> 00:02:02,710
I dated a Funk.
47
00:02:03,710 --> 00:02:05,210
I can't believe this.
48
00:02:05,210 --> 00:02:06,710
What is a hot,
young stud like me doing
49
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:08,710
wasting a Saturday night
with you two,
50
00:02:08,710 --> 00:02:11,220
when I could be out with
any number of beautiful women?
51
00:02:14,220 --> 00:02:17,720
Let's just count how many things
are wrong with that statement.
52
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:21,230
Well, n-n-now, wait.
I have an idea.
53
00:02:21,230 --> 00:02:22,730
We could all
go in this together,
54
00:02:22,730 --> 00:02:25,230
and that way we'd have
a better chance of winning.
55
00:02:25,230 --> 00:02:26,730
You know, Fay,
you might have a point.
56
00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:29,230
With the ton of
useless crap between your ears
57
00:02:29,230 --> 00:02:30,740
and my speed dialers,
58
00:02:30,740 --> 00:02:32,240
we just might have
a shot at this.
59
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,240
Yeah, well,
why not?
60
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,740
Besides what else is there to do
on a Saturday night
61
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:41,250
in this frozen winter wasteland
we call Nantucket?
62
00:02:41,250 --> 00:02:43,750
Hey, is anybody interested in
going down to the junior high
63
00:02:43,750 --> 00:02:45,750
and seeing this production of
Jesus Christ Superstar?
64
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:48,750
Oh, no, they cancelled it.
Jesus couldn't make it.
65
00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:50,260
He got grounded.
66
00:02:52,260 --> 00:02:54,760
Perfect.
I hate Saturday nights.
67
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,260
Oh, Joe.
My nails are wet.
68
00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:57,760
Quick. Get this hair
outta my face.
69
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,270
Wow. What are you
doing tonight?
70
00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:01,770
Thanks.
Uh, Davis is coming in
71
00:03:01,770 --> 00:03:02,770
on Roy's next flight.
72
00:03:02,770 --> 00:03:04,270
So you're not
doing anything either.
73
00:03:04,270 --> 00:03:05,770
Maybe we can go grab
a pizza.
74
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,270
Don't worry.
He's coming.
75
00:03:09,270 --> 00:03:10,270
Pepperoni okay?
76
00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:11,280
Joe, stop it.
77
00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:12,780
You just
don't like Davis
78
00:03:12,780 --> 00:03:15,280
because he wouldn't
lend you the money
79
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,780
and it crushed your dreams
and ruined your life
80
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:18,780
and yadda yadda yadda--
81
00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:20,790
Do you think this dress
needs a necklace? Yeah.
82
00:03:21,790 --> 00:03:23,790
Hey, Joe.
83
00:03:23,790 --> 00:03:26,290
Ah, it's another
big Saturday, huh?
84
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:29,790
You know, the night belongs to
macho, lusty hombres
85
00:03:29,790 --> 00:03:31,300
like you and me.
86
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,800
Lowell, why are you talking like
a beer commercial?
87
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,300
Hey, it's a
beer-commercial life.
88
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:42,810
You know, fast women, hot cars,
and guys who laugh like this:
89
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:47,810
Look, tell you what.
90
00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:49,810
If you promise never
to do that again,
91
00:03:49,810 --> 00:03:51,820
maybe you and me could sort of
hang out, do something.
92
00:03:51,820 --> 00:03:53,320
Ah, sorry, Joe.
93
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,820
Yeah, Tucker and I are gonna
go on a rat-shoot tonight.
94
00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:58,320
Now, you know
I'd invite you along,
95
00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,820
but you know what they say
about rat-shoots.
96
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:01,830
Two's company.
Three's crossfire.
97
00:04:04,830 --> 00:04:08,330
Hey, did you guys figure out
anything to do tonight?
98
00:04:08,330 --> 00:04:09,330
I am desperate.
99
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,340
Yeah, we're going to the movies.
Want to come?
100
00:04:11,340 --> 00:04:12,840
Oh, yes. Great.
What are we seeing?
101
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:16,840
It's a Rainer Werner Fassbinder
festival.
102
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:17,840
What?
103
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,350
Please don't make me
say it again.
104
00:04:21,350 --> 00:04:22,850
They're showing
Fear Eats the Soul
105
00:04:22,850 --> 00:04:24,850
and
Berlin Alexanderplatz.
106
00:04:24,850 --> 00:04:27,350
Uh,
not that desperate.
107
00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,350
Listen, why don't you just
go out with Helen?
108
00:04:29,350 --> 00:04:31,360
Oh, she's waiting
for Lynch to show up.
109
00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:32,860
I'll never understand
that relationship.
110
00:04:32,860 --> 00:04:34,860
Ha, ha.
What don't you understand?
111
00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:39,360
He's charming, romantic, funny
and incredibly successful.
112
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:40,870
I used to go out with
a guy just like him.
113
00:04:40,870 --> 00:04:42,870
Clearly you've
gotten over that.
114
00:04:45,370 --> 00:04:47,370
We better get going.
The movie starts in 20 minutes.
115
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:48,870
Wait one second.
116
00:04:48,870 --> 00:04:51,380
This-- This incredibly
successful guy.
117
00:04:51,380 --> 00:04:52,880
Who was he?
118
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:53,880
What?
119
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:57,380
If I tell you his name it--
It'll just drive you crazy.
120
00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:58,380
Oh, he's a name?
121
00:04:58,380 --> 00:05:00,380
W-would I know
who he is?
122
00:05:00,380 --> 00:05:01,890
Can we drop it?
123
00:05:01,890 --> 00:05:03,890
Well, drop who?
Who are we dropping, exactly?
124
00:05:03,890 --> 00:05:05,390
Come on, Brian.
125
00:05:05,390 --> 00:05:07,390
I don't ask you about
all the women you've dated.
126
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:08,390
Oh, yeah, of course.
127
00:05:08,390 --> 00:05:11,900
Okay, I've dated lots and lots
of women, but, uh...
128
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:13,900
I mean,
nobody famous.
129
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:15,900
Lots?
Exactly how many?
130
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:16,900
Exactly how famous?
131
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:19,400
Very famous.
Very many.
132
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,410
Brian, please.
Let's just stop this.
133
00:05:22,410 --> 00:05:24,410
It'll ruin our entire night.
All right.
134
00:05:24,410 --> 00:05:26,910
You're absolutely right.
It's stupid. It's stupid.
135
00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:29,410
Is he a politician,
actor, rock star?
136
00:05:29,410 --> 00:05:30,410
Rock star?
137
00:05:30,410 --> 00:05:31,420
Oh, I knew it!
138
00:05:31,420 --> 00:05:34,420
It's that weasel Sting,
isn't it?
139
00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:35,920
To hell with this.
I'm going home.
140
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:36,920
Call me when you
grow up.
141
00:05:39,420 --> 00:05:40,930
What happened?
I thought you were gonna
142
00:05:40,930 --> 00:05:41,930
go to the movies
with Alex.
143
00:05:41,930 --> 00:05:42,930
Yeah, so did I.
144
00:05:42,930 --> 00:05:44,430
Ask her
one little question
145
00:05:44,430 --> 00:05:46,930
and she went
Alexanderplatz on me.
146
00:05:48,930 --> 00:05:50,440
Okay, Joe. You win.
147
00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:53,440
How about half pepperoni
and half mushroom?
148
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,440
He cancelled again?
149
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,440
No, his secretary called.
150
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,440
She said that his meeting with
the Hong Kong consortium
151
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:00,440
ran late.
152
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,450
What the hell's
a consortium, anyway?
153
00:06:02,450 --> 00:06:04,950
Uh, I think it comes from
the Latin "consort,"
154
00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:07,950
meaning one who dumps his date
for business.
155
00:06:09,450 --> 00:06:10,450
This sucks.
156
00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:11,960
Tell me about it.
157
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,960
Well, why don't
the three of us do something?
158
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,460
I think I'll pass.
Yeah, me too.
159
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,460
Oh, man, you know,
I remember a time
160
00:06:18,460 --> 00:06:20,460
when the three of us knew how
to have fun together.
161
00:06:20,460 --> 00:06:22,470
Remember when we went to
that political rally
162
00:06:22,470 --> 00:06:25,470
and we just signed that petition
without even reading it?
163
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,470
( sarcastically ):
Yeah, I'm still tingling.
164
00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:30,980
Oh, come on.
165
00:06:30,980 --> 00:06:32,980
Let's get off this rut.
Let's go to Boston.
166
00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:34,980
A city where people
do something.
167
00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:37,980
A city where people drink
for social reasons.
168
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,490
What the hell? Let's go.
Let's do it.
169
00:06:42,490 --> 00:06:43,490
All right. Come on.
Let's go.
170
00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:45,490
All right.
Aw, man.
171
00:06:45,490 --> 00:06:46,990
Hey, Joe.
172
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,990
You know, you looked
a little down before.
173
00:06:48,990 --> 00:06:49,990
So I called up Tucker.
174
00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:52,000
Told him that we had to
put the rat-shoot off
175
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,000
till another night.
176
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,000
So I'm all yours.
177
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:59,000
Uh, Lowell, I already kinda
made plans with Brian and Helen.
178
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,510
I see.
179
00:07:02,510 --> 00:07:07,010
So I guess I made Tucker cry
for nothing.
180
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,010
Well, that's okay, Joe.
181
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:11,520
You just go off with your
cool friends.
182
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:14,520
It'll just be me,
some sad music
183
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,520
and a loaded shotgun.
184
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,520
Okay. What do you say?
What do you say?
185
00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,530
Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
186
00:07:21,530 --> 00:07:24,030
All right!
Oh, I finally made it.
187
00:07:24,030 --> 00:07:27,030
You know, you go your whole life
being the odd man out
188
00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,030
and then one day
189
00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:30,540
a kind, gracious hand
reaches out to you.
190
00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:34,540
Hey,
where you guys off to?
191
00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:37,540
Oh, for God's sake,
I hope we're not letting him in.
192
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,540
( upbeat piano theme playing )
193
00:07:44,550 --> 00:07:47,550
( upbeat piano theme playing )
194
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:52,060
Now, don't go away 'cause we're
gonna have an $8000 question.
195
00:07:52,060 --> 00:07:54,060
Right after this.
196
00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:55,560
All right,
d-don't worry.
197
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:56,560
We'll get through.
198
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,560
You know what they say.
199
00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,560
The 73rd time
is the charm.
200
00:08:01,570 --> 00:08:03,070
Is Brian here?
201
00:08:03,070 --> 00:08:05,070
Uh, no.
He went to Boston.
202
00:08:05,070 --> 00:08:07,570
Damn. Well, when is he
gonna be back?
203
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,570
I don't know, dear.
What's wrong?
204
00:08:09,570 --> 00:08:11,080
Oh, well.
We had kind of a fight.
205
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,580
I was hoping to
patch things up with him.
206
00:08:12,580 --> 00:08:16,080
Well, since you're free,
and, uh...
207
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,080
all leathered up.
208
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:20,590
( chuckles )
209
00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:22,090
Why don't you come over
to my place
210
00:08:22,090 --> 00:08:24,590
and I'll fire up
the old hot tub?
211
00:08:24,590 --> 00:08:27,090
Sounds good.
212
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:28,590
You bring the towels,
213
00:08:28,590 --> 00:08:30,590
I'll bring
the electric toaster.
214
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:35,600
I don't ask twice.
215
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,100
I'll be right back.
216
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:41,610
You know, Cochran,
it occurs to me.
217
00:08:41,610 --> 00:08:44,610
With your brains
and my speed dialers,
218
00:08:44,610 --> 00:08:47,610
and 8000 bucks
on the line,
219
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:50,110
what do we need
Mr. Green Card for?
220
00:08:50,110 --> 00:08:52,620
ANTONIO:
I heard that!
I heard that.
221
00:08:52,620 --> 00:08:55,620
Hey, listen, listen,
if you think for one minute
222
00:08:55,620 --> 00:08:59,120
my friend Fay would
squeeze me out of this deal,
223
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,630
you got another thing
coming.
224
00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:03,130
She would never, ever,
ever leave me out--
225
00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:05,130
F-- Jump in
any time here, Fay.
226
00:09:05,130 --> 00:09:06,630
Oh, right.
227
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:08,130
No, I'm not in
without Antonio.
228
00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:09,630
Oh, all right,
all right.
229
00:09:09,630 --> 00:09:12,140
Can't blame me
for trying. Gee.
230
00:09:14,140 --> 00:09:16,140
What do we
need him for?
231
00:09:16,140 --> 00:09:17,640
( upbeat piano theme playing )
232
00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:30,660
Come on, Joe.
We've been to two boring bars.
233
00:09:30,650 --> 00:09:31,660
We got kicked out of
a night club.
234
00:09:31,660 --> 00:09:33,160
Enough is enough.
Let's go.
235
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,160
Look, Helen, we could've stayed
at that last place
236
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,660
if Lowell hadn't tried to
pass himself off as a Kennedy.
237
00:09:40,660 --> 00:09:42,670
Ask not
what your country--
238
00:09:42,670 --> 00:09:43,670
BRIAN, HELEN & JOE:
Shut up!
239
00:09:45,670 --> 00:09:49,170
Now, look, that bartender said
there's a great party in 2D.
240
00:09:49,170 --> 00:09:50,680
This is 2D. Let's go.
BRIAN: You know what?
241
00:09:50,670 --> 00:09:52,180
Maybe I should just
call Alex.
242
00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:53,680
I can't get into this.
Look. Come on, Brian.
243
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,180
I can't--
Look, look, there might be
244
00:09:55,180 --> 00:09:57,180
a woman behind that door who
doesn't bust your chops
245
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,680
every time you make
an innocent remark.
246
00:09:58,680 --> 00:09:59,680
There might be
a guy in there
247
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,690
who will actually
show up for a date.
248
00:10:01,690 --> 00:10:02,690
Thanks.
249
00:10:02,690 --> 00:10:05,690
What's behind that door
for me, Joe?
250
00:10:05,690 --> 00:10:06,690
I don't know, Lowell.
251
00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:09,190
Maybe there's a big fat rat
and you can kill it.
252
00:10:10,190 --> 00:10:12,200
Cool.
253
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,200
All right, look.
You guys do whatever you want.
254
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,200
I am going in.
255
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,200
Excuse me.
256
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,700
( music and chatter )
257
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,210
Well, okay.
For Joe's sake.
258
00:10:21,210 --> 00:10:22,710
Yeah,
just for Joe.
259
00:10:25,710 --> 00:10:29,710
JOE:
Oh, wow. Hey, didn't I tell you
I'd find you a good time?
260
00:10:29,710 --> 00:10:31,720
Okay, huddle up.
261
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:34,220
There's attractive women
all over the field, okay?
262
00:10:34,220 --> 00:10:36,720
Joe, you go long.
I'll go short.
263
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,220
Helen, you got available guys
here and here.
264
00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:41,230
Lowell, um--
265
00:10:41,230 --> 00:10:43,230
You're on your own.
266
00:10:43,230 --> 00:10:45,230
Okay, break.
267
00:11:02,250 --> 00:11:04,250
Well,
that was productive.
268
00:11:04,250 --> 00:11:05,750
Oh, you're telling me.
269
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:06,750
I got
three business cards
270
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,250
and an appointment
with a podiatrist.
271
00:11:09,250 --> 00:11:11,760
Come on, come on.
We're here to have a good time.
272
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:12,760
Who's thirsty?
273
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:13,760
( sighs ):
Beer me.
274
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,760
Wouldn't mind
a beer too, Joe.
275
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,760
Here's to good friends.
276
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,760
It just doesn't get
any better than this.
277
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,770
Hey, do you want to
meet him? You do? No, no. Shh.
278
00:11:29,270 --> 00:11:31,780
Hi. You alone?
279
00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:37,280
JOE:
It, uh, doesn't have to be
that way, you know.
280
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,280
The person
you're looking for
281
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,780
could be standing
right in front of you.
282
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:43,790
Uh, look, I should tell you
that I'm not...gay.
283
00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:46,290
( chuckling ):
Oh, I'm not gay.
I'm talking about her.
284
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:47,790
I'm not gay.
285
00:11:48,790 --> 00:11:50,290
Ah.
286
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:52,300
( chuckling ):
Well, as long as
that's all settled.
287
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:53,800
I'm Ted.
288
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,300
Hi, I'm Helen.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
289
00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:57,300
You can thank me
later.
290
00:11:57,300 --> 00:12:00,300
Well, I finally found out
what you do well:
291
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,310
pick up guys.
292
00:12:02,310 --> 00:12:03,810
That's funny.
293
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,810
You better hope I leave some
of these women for you.
294
00:12:05,810 --> 00:12:07,810
No way, man. Count me out.
I'm-- I'm not doing this.
295
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,310
I'm not gonna cheat
on Alex.
296
00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:11,820
I'm just not gonna--
Oh, excuse me. Sorry.
297
00:12:11,820 --> 00:12:12,820
Well, hello.
298
00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:14,320
( chuckles )
299
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:17,820
Look, uh, I don't want to
sound full of myself,
300
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:21,830
but I know what
"well, hello" means and, uh--
301
00:12:21,830 --> 00:12:23,330
Before this gets
any further
302
00:12:23,330 --> 00:12:26,830
I think you should know
that I'm involved in, uh...
303
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:29,330
the casting of
a major motion picture...
304
00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:33,340
I think you'd actually
be perfect for.
305
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,840
( upbeat piano theme playing )
306
00:12:41,350 --> 00:12:44,350
I couldn't help noticing you
sitting over her.
307
00:12:44,350 --> 00:12:46,850
I just love
piano music.
308
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,850
Hey, who doesn't?
309
00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:52,860
So, uh, can you play something
just for me?
310
00:12:52,860 --> 00:12:54,360
Me?
Mm-hm.
311
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:57,360
Uh, I think I can.
312
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,360
( playing theme from
Entertainment Tonight )
313
00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:09,870
That's the theme from
Entertainment Tonight.
314
00:13:09,870 --> 00:13:12,380
Do you know anything
classical?
315
00:13:12,380 --> 00:13:14,380
Classical. Hmm.
316
00:13:14,380 --> 00:13:17,380
I think I do.
317
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,880
( playing theme from
Entertainment Tonight
with flourishes )
318
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:36,900
How you doing?
319
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,900
Thought you might like
another drink.
320
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:40,400
Thank you.
That's very nice.
321
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:41,910
What's your name?
322
00:13:41,910 --> 00:13:43,910
Joe.
Joe Hackett.
323
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:45,910
I'm Deidre.
It's nice to meet you.
324
00:13:45,910 --> 00:13:46,910
Nice to meet you too.
325
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:48,410
Look, uh--
326
00:13:48,410 --> 00:13:50,410
Hope this doesn't sound like
a really bad line,
327
00:13:50,410 --> 00:13:52,920
but you are gorgeous.
328
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:56,920
How bad can it be?
It's working.
329
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,420
So you're a pilot,
huh?
330
00:13:58,420 --> 00:13:59,920
Yeah,
at your service.
331
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,930
Fly you anywhere
you want to go. Heh.
332
00:14:01,930 --> 00:14:04,930
How about my place?
It's right upstairs.
333
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:08,430
Would you excuse me
for a minute?
334
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:09,930
Mm-hm.
335
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:16,440
Joe. Joe, c-could I talk to you
for a second.
336
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:17,940
Just excuse me
one second.
337
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:18,940
I'll be right back.
Don't go.
338
00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:19,940
What, what?
339
00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:20,940
( sighs )
340
00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:22,450
I got
a real problem here, man.
341
00:14:22,450 --> 00:14:24,450
This woman
is all over me.
342
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:28,950
Oh, man. I got
the same problem over here.
343
00:14:28,950 --> 00:14:30,450
What will we do?
344
00:14:30,450 --> 00:14:32,960
No, come on. Stop it.
I'm being serious.
345
00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:36,460
I don't want to cheat
on Alex.
346
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:38,460
Then you're right.
You do have a problem.
347
00:14:40,460 --> 00:14:43,970
( jazzy version of theme from
Entertainment Tonight
playing on piano )
348
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:47,470
Hey, Jane Fonda.
Fifty-five years young today.
349
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,470
Hold on a second.
350
00:14:49,470 --> 00:14:52,980
Don't you know
any other songs?
351
00:14:52,980 --> 00:14:54,480
Well,
to be honest with you,
352
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,980
I didn't even know
I knew this one.
353
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:58,980
( playing theme from
Entertainment Tonight )
354
00:14:58,980 --> 00:15:00,980
All right,
look, Sheila.
355
00:15:00,980 --> 00:15:04,490
If we go back to your place,
you know what's gonna happen.
356
00:15:04,490 --> 00:15:05,990
I have
a pretty good idea.
357
00:15:05,990 --> 00:15:10,490
Well, um, I'm gonna end up
telling you about my girlfriend.
358
00:15:10,490 --> 00:15:12,000
Boy,
was I wrong.
359
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,500
No, no, no, l--
Sheila.
360
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:15,500
Don't get me wrong.
361
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:18,000
It's not that I don't find you
attractive. I--
362
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,500
I do.
363
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:24,010
It's just that if I go back
to your apartment,
364
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:26,010
in a weird way
365
00:15:26,010 --> 00:15:27,510
it would be impossible
366
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:31,520
to not have my girlfriend
right there with me.
367
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,520
That's not so weird.
Bring her along.
368
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,020
Is there anything I could
say to you to turn you off?
369
00:15:40,020 --> 00:15:43,530
Yeah,
that you don't have $300.
370
00:15:43,530 --> 00:15:44,530
Yeah, but I mean,
why would I need--?
371
00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:50,530
Unless you're a...
372
00:15:50,530 --> 00:15:52,540
Well, I am.
373
00:15:52,540 --> 00:15:54,540
You're a...
374
00:15:54,540 --> 00:15:55,540
hooker.
375
00:15:55,540 --> 00:15:58,540
( chuckles )
376
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:01,550
Uh, I prefer call girl,
but yeah.
377
00:16:01,550 --> 00:16:03,550
All the girls here are.
378
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,050
Look, I don't mean
to get personal,
379
00:16:09,050 --> 00:16:13,060
but do your parents know
what you do for a living?
380
00:16:13,060 --> 00:16:15,060
Um, well,
of course they do.
381
00:16:15,060 --> 00:16:17,060
Actually, I took the business
over from my mother.
382
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:20,560
Your mother?
383
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:21,570
Uh, yeah.
384
00:16:21,570 --> 00:16:23,570
She actually taught me
everything I know.
385
00:16:23,570 --> 00:16:25,070
( both chuckle )
386
00:16:25,070 --> 00:16:27,570
So, um, Deidre,
what do you do?
387
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,070
( chuckles )
388
00:16:29,070 --> 00:16:30,070
What do you think I do?
389
00:16:30,070 --> 00:16:31,580
I'm a party girl.
390
00:16:31,580 --> 00:16:33,080
Well, hey,
I'm a party guy.
391
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,580
( both laugh )
392
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:39,080
You know, Joe,
I'm wildly attracted to you.
393
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:42,090
What do you say we get
out of here and go to my place?
394
00:16:42,090 --> 00:16:44,590
Really?
Mm. Really.
395
00:16:44,590 --> 00:16:46,590
Joe, could I talk to you
for a sec?
396
00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:47,590
No, not right now.
397
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:48,590
She wants me.
398
00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:49,590
Yeah, I know.
No, you don't.
399
00:16:49,590 --> 00:16:51,100
I mean,
she really wants me.
400
00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:52,600
Come on.
No, hey. Come on.
401
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:53,600
Would you
leave me alone?
402
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,100
I found this great girl.
403
00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:56,600
She's smart
and she's funny.
404
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,100
She's--
She's a hooker.
405
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,100
Not my Deidre.
406
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:05,610
Joey, for $300
she's anybody's Deidre.
407
00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:08,610
These girls:
they're all professionals.
408
00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:10,110
Are you sure?
409
00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:13,120
Have you ever done this well
in your life?
410
00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:16,120
Oh, damn!
411
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:18,620
JOE:
Oh, my God.
412
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:21,130
That must mean
that Helen's guy
413
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:23,130
thinks that she's a...
414
00:17:23,130 --> 00:17:25,130
Do you know what
I'd really like to do?
415
00:17:25,130 --> 00:17:26,130
What?
416
00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:27,130
No, I don't think
I can say it.
417
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:28,630
Oh, sure you can.
418
00:17:29,630 --> 00:17:31,640
Well, all right.
419
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,140
I'd like you to dress up
like Little Bo-peep...
420
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,140
hog-tie me
to the bedpost,
421
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:40,140
and spank me for being the bad,
bad boy that I am.
422
00:17:46,650 --> 00:17:49,150
Excuse me?
423
00:17:49,150 --> 00:17:51,150
Well, I know the going rate
for you girls is $300,
424
00:17:51,150 --> 00:17:53,660
but for this I'm willing to
up it to five.
425
00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:56,160
Oh, my God.
That is the most disgu--
426
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,160
Five-hundred dollars?
427
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:01,160
What do you
take me for?
428
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,170
Joe, you know what this guy
just said to me?
429
00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:05,170
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I have a pretty good idea.
430
00:18:05,170 --> 00:18:06,670
What's
going on here?
431
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:08,170
Uh, listen,
why don't you try Deidre?
432
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:09,670
I think she's just your type.
Come on. Let's go.
433
00:18:09,670 --> 00:18:13,180
Gosh, I can't believe--
Five-hundred dollars?
434
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,680
Lowell, Lowell.
Come on. Come on
435
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,180
We got to get outta here.
Come on.
436
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,180
Hey, Brian, do you know
what kind of party this is?
437
00:18:19,180 --> 00:18:21,180
Yeah, I do.
Let's go.
438
00:18:21,180 --> 00:18:23,190
And you know
what all these girls are?
439
00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:24,190
Yeah, I do.
Let's go.
440
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:26,190
All right, well,
I just have one question:
441
00:18:26,190 --> 00:18:28,690
how long has Helen been
a hooker?
442
00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:30,190
( upbeat piano theme playing )
443
00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:35,700
( easy listening music playing
on radio )
444
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:42,210
Okay, we're looking for
caller number nine.
445
00:18:45,210 --> 00:18:47,210
Those boards are lighting up.
It's ringing.
446
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:48,210
Eight, nine.
It's ringing.
447
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:49,710
And your name is?
448
00:18:49,710 --> 00:18:52,220
It's me. It's me.
Antonio Scarpacci
449
00:18:52,220 --> 00:18:57,720
Caller number nine is
Antonio Scarpacci.
450
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,220
Okay, Antonio.
451
00:18:59,220 --> 00:19:02,230
For $12,000 cash,
452
00:19:02,230 --> 00:19:04,230
are you ready for
your question?
453
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:06,230
No, no, no, not yet.
Fay's not here.
454
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:07,730
Roy, get Fay.
455
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,230
She-- She went out to the car
to get her knitting.
456
00:19:09,230 --> 00:19:11,230
Sorry,
no time to wait.
457
00:19:11,230 --> 00:19:12,740
Your question is:
458
00:19:12,740 --> 00:19:17,240
Who is known as the father
of Impressionism?
459
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:18,740
Oh, no.
460
00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:22,750
It's okay.
I know this one.
461
00:19:24,750 --> 00:19:27,250
The father
of Impressionism is...
462
00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:30,250
Rich Little.
463
00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:33,260
Rich Little?
What an idiot.
464
00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:34,260
( foghorn on radio )
465
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:35,760
I'm sorry.
466
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:39,260
The correct answer
is Claude Monet.
467
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,270
Way to go,
Answer Man.
468
00:19:43,270 --> 00:19:46,270
Rich Little?!
Are you out of your mind?
469
00:19:46,270 --> 00:19:49,770
We spent the whole night
trying to get through!
470
00:19:49,770 --> 00:19:51,780
I have had it
with this stupid contest.
471
00:19:51,780 --> 00:19:52,780
I'm going home.
472
00:19:52,780 --> 00:19:53,780
Oh.
Huh.
473
00:19:53,780 --> 00:19:55,280
Well, there's six hours
of my life
474
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,280
I'll never get back.
475
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,280
I can't believe
you said
476
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,790
the father of Impressionism
was Rich Little!
477
00:20:01,790 --> 00:20:03,790
Hey, I have been to Vegas
dozens of times.
478
00:20:03,790 --> 00:20:06,290
I never heard of
this Monet guy.
479
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:07,790
Oh!
480
00:20:10,790 --> 00:20:12,300
( sighs )
481
00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:13,800
I can't believe
he thought I was a hooker.
482
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,800
Huh, me neither.
And of all the insulting--
483
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,800
Uh, excuse me
just a second.
484
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,800
If I wanted to make
a living as a hooker,
485
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:22,310
I could make
a very good one.
486
00:20:22,310 --> 00:20:23,810
If I wanted to.
487
00:20:23,810 --> 00:20:24,810
ALEX:
Oh, you're back.
488
00:20:24,810 --> 00:20:26,810
Um, Helen,
did you see Davis out there?
489
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:28,310
What?
490
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,310
Yeah, he felt bad so he
cancelled his business
491
00:20:30,310 --> 00:20:32,320
and he hired a jet
and flew here to be with you.
492
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,320
I guess you must have
missed him.
493
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:38,320
Did you hear that,
Joe?
494
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,820
I could have been here
having dinner with him,
495
00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:43,330
but no, you had to
drag me off to...
496
00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:45,830
the best little whorehouse
in Boston.
497
00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:47,830
Thanks a lot, Joe.
498
00:20:49,330 --> 00:20:50,330
Where's Brian?
Oh, he's out
499
00:20:50,330 --> 00:20:51,840
putting the plane away
with Lowell.
500
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,840
He'll be here
any minute.
501
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,340
So, Joe,
I-I talked to Tucker,
502
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:58,340
and you know what?
503
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:00,340
He went out on the rat-shoot
without me,
504
00:21:00,340 --> 00:21:03,350
and he bagged
a 20 pounder.
505
00:21:03,350 --> 00:21:05,350
And where was I?
506
00:21:05,350 --> 00:21:07,350
Ooh, I was off at a party
with you
507
00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:10,350
and beautiful,
easy women.
508
00:21:10,350 --> 00:21:11,350
( angrily ):
Thanks a lot, Joe.
509
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,860
Do you believe all this?
510
00:21:15,860 --> 00:21:17,860
I try to show these people
a good time
511
00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:19,860
and this is
the thanks I get.
512
00:21:19,860 --> 00:21:22,370
Oh, Alex, Alex.
There you are.
513
00:21:22,370 --> 00:21:23,870
Oh, man.
I'm so glad you're back.
514
00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:25,370
Listen,
515
00:21:25,370 --> 00:21:27,370
that fight
we had before--
516
00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:30,370
It was stupid.
It was all my fault.
517
00:21:30,370 --> 00:21:31,370
Trust me.
518
00:21:31,370 --> 00:21:32,380
I mean,
519
00:21:32,380 --> 00:21:34,380
all night long
everything I did,
520
00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:36,380
everywhere I went,
521
00:21:36,380 --> 00:21:39,380
every girl I met
reminded me of you.
522
00:21:39,380 --> 00:21:41,890
Aw.
Even the hookers?
523
00:21:41,890 --> 00:21:43,390
Even--
524
00:21:43,390 --> 00:21:45,390
( upbeat piano theme playing )
525
00:21:50,660 --> 00:22:02,410
( upbeat piano theme playing )
34821
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