Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Antonio, what are you doing?

Selling my most valuable possessions.

I have some unexpected cab repairs this month.

Could not send money home to Italy.

I didn't know you did that.

Ah, yes, it is a tradition in my family for the eldest son

to help support his father.

Oh, aren't traditions wonderful?

You feel like you're part of history somehow.

I think familial ties like that give you such a warm--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pretty words, but papa just wants his cash.

Antonio, if you need money,

I'd be more than happy to make you a loan.

No, Fay, I appreciate the offer,

but, uh, I am a Scarpacci,

and Scarpaccis don't accept charity.

It is-- It is a matter of dignity.

See? Excus-- Uh--

Get your reindeer hat here.

Beat the holiday rush.

Amuse your friends.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

I'll never have enough money to send to my father.

Oh, Scarpacci, quit complaining.

Your lucky. At least your dad's an ocean away.

My mom is right down the road at that old folks home.

Or, as I like to call it, "Seizures Palace."

That's terrible. I'll tell you what's terrible,

the fact she's going to be staying with me

for three days while they paint her room.

Oh, I hope I can distract her on the drive home,

I'd hate for her to learn the way.

You know, Fay, I hope this works.

Otherwise I will have to start selling my blood.

LOWELL: Ah.

Selling your blood, Antonio? That's crazy-talk.

Oh, absolutely.

Big money's in organs.

You know,

just sell one of whatever you have two of.

You got your lungs, kidneys,

you get the picture.

Oh, um, Joe.

Brian called from Boston, he said he's bringing in

an old friend of yours from highschool: Sandy Cooper.

Oh, no. Oh, great.

Who's Sandy Cooper?

She's-- Oh, no, Joe, don't even--

What? Start what? She was nuts.

You want to know who Sandy Cooper is?

Not a lot, I was just being polite.

She was this mousey girl with spooky eyes

who had an insane crush on me.

I mean-- She was obsessed.

She followed me home practically every day from school.

Did not. Did too.

And she came to every one of my baseball games,

sat in the front row, and took pictures of me.

Did not. She did too.

And, I swear to you,

one day she came up behind me in Study Hall,

and cut off a lock of my hair.

Oh, good, Joe. Blame a bad haircut on Sandy.

You believe me, don't you?

I believe someone was obsessed with you.

Thank you. Sounds like it was you.

You know,

when I was a stewardess I was once involved

in a similar situation with a frequent flier.

It was quite an infatuation.

And what did you do about it?

Nothing.

He got a restraining order and I had to stay away.

Listen, Helen, when Sandy asks about me,

just tell her I'm dead.

Heh-heh, like that's going to stop her.

Sandy!

BRIAN: Hey, everybody, look who I found, eh?

Oh, my God, Helen Chapel?

Hi, girl.

You look terrific. Thanks.

Hi, Joe, how are you?

Well, I'm doing pretty-- Helen!

You look so...

"Not fat anymore?"

( giggles ) Yeah.

You're a rail, you're a stick.

My God, you could be a model.

Oh, God, please. Go ahead.

BRIAN: Hey, hey.

You'll never guess what our Sandy's been doing,

she's a prosecuting attorney in Chicago.

Really?

So, Sandy, what brings you back to Nantucket

after all these years?

I came to visit my parents.

HELEN: I hope we can all get together

before you leave.

I'm free tonight.

Well, uh, Club Car, 8:00?

Perfect, I'll see you then. All right.

Uh, uh, I won't be there,

I've gotta check on some stuff that I haven't checked on since

the last time I checked on it.

Well, that's too bad. I'll see you guys later.

Great. Okay.

Bye. Have fun.

So sweet, look at her. I know, looks great.

Man, what did I tell you?

That woman is certifiable.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm missing something here.

Oh, Joe still thinks that she's after him.

Come on, are you telling me you didn't see it?

The way that she hugged Helen and she purposely didn't hug me?

She didn't hug me either.

That's just how devious she is.

Okay. Sure.

What-- Oh, oh, oh--

Come on, are you trying to tell me you don't remember

the bizarre nicknames she used to have for me?

"Scooter."

"Dimples."

"Liza" with a Z.

No, no. "Joey Bear."

Like "teddy bear" only with "Joe."

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Okay, Mom, I'll get you some new toast.

Now, don't throw that-- Mom!

Mom says she wants her toast blacker

and that your chili doesn't have enough kick.

I practically used a whole bottle of Tabasco.

What kind of breakfast is this anyway?

You're right.

Skip the chili, just give her another beer.

( horn blares )

Be right there.

Ever since I took her to that Patriots game,

I cannot pry that thing out of her bony little hand.

( horn blares )

( angrily ): Coming, mother.

Oh, good, you're here.

So, uh, fill me in.

What happened last night?

Well, that depends. What are we talking about?

Your dinner with Sandy at the Club Car,

she did ask about me, right?

Well, let's see. Your name came up,

counting the times we brought it up...

( imitates adding numbers )

...never.

You know, even if Sandy did have a crush on you in high school,

it's been 15 years.

And take it from someone who knows,

you're not that hard to get over.

( both chuckle )

Great. Fine. Laugh.

Guys,

you want to come in here for a second?

( gasping )

"Joey Bear.

Till death do us part."

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

What did I tell you?

Sandy is crazy.

Now, maybe you'll believe me now.

Yeah, maybe Joe's right. This is pretty weird.

Wait, wait, let's not jump to any conclusions, okay?

This could be a suicide,

check the bear for signs of a struggle.

Maybe we should call the police. BRIAN: Yeah.

Because if we stand here and do nothing,

then another innocent stuffed toy could get whacked.

Brian...

Come on, this is not funny.

We've got to do something.

Well, no-- First things first.

I think we should notify the bear's next of kin.

( giggling )

How can you two kid around at a time like this?

Thank you, Helen.

A bear has died.

( giggling )

JOE: Oh, great.

You guys did this, didn't-- No, no.

You know, I don't think this is funny at all.

Joe, we just did this to show you

how stupid you're being about Sandy.

And to get a good cheap laugh at your expense.

( giggles )

Well, I still think that that woman is seriously disturbed.

Okay, Joe.

Maybe he's right.

Let's-- Let's leave him alone.

Hey, Joe. I'm sorry.

And, listen, if it helps any,

I'd be happy to call Santa's workshop

and make the funeral arrangements.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( horn blares )

All right, all right.

Momma, I'm back.

I got your racing form and your cigars right here.

Lowell,

Antonio's hardly sold a thing.

Why don't you go over and buy something?

Well, you know, I would,

but I really don't need anything.

He's a proud man.

Go over and at least help him retain

some vestige of his dignity.

Yeah, you're right.

Say no more, I'm on it.

Ah. Welcome.

So, uh, what have you got here, Antonio?

Ah, well,

some very fine items.

Ah, for instance, ah,

here's a practically brand new electric leg-hair remover.

Now, why do you have--

Found it, ah.

Yeah. Hm.

Well, let's see here.

Um...

Uh, I like your shirt.

How much?

My shirt? No, no. Ha, ha.

My shirt is not for sale.

Now, perhaps I could interest you in a soccer ball.

Still has a lot of bounce.

Mighty tempting, but no.

Okay, okay, well,

I-I-I might be able to sell you my shirt,

but not for less than $25.

For this? It's a cotton-poly blend.

Three dollars.

Fifteen.

Three dollars.

Look, this is the shirt off my back.

Well, three dollars, take it or leave it.

All right, all right, I'll take it.

Take it, take it.

Take the shirt.

Hey, you know, Fay,

( sobbing )

you're right. It feels good to give a man back his dignity.

( sobbing )

Brian, do you know if this-- Oh, God!

What is she doing here?

Would you relax?

No, I'm telling you, she's stalking me.

Relax.

Hey. Hi, guys.

Hey. How was lunch?

Oh, great. She paid.

Ah.

Well, I've got some more stuff to do.

Joe, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, why wouldn't I be fine?

Joe, come on, just open up.

Just get it all out.

What? Open up what? Tell her what?

Oh, man, cut this nonsense with her.

You've been harboring this for years--

All right, okay, okay, okay, all right, okay, okay. Um.

Sandy, I guess I'm still

just a little weirded out

by that stuff you did back in high school.

What stuff?

You followed me home from school every single day.

Joe, I never followed you anywhere,

I lived one block up and I guess I walked the same way,

if that's what you mean.

Excellent, Deputy Fife, you've cracked the case.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You came to my baseball games with that camera.

I was a photographer for the school paper.

Strike two.

No, I cannot be imagining this.

You came up behind me in Study Hall

and cut off a lock of my hair. You knew that was me?

Yes! What did I tell you?

Oh, the stupid things you'll do

to get into a high school sorority.

A sorority?

Yeah, it was part of the initiation.

Oh, God. So, um,

you didn't have a crush on me?

Joe, give it up. No, no, Joe's right.

I did kinda have a crush on him.

I knew it!

But most of the girls did, didn't you, Helen?

Uh, well, no. I didn't make that mistake until later on in life.

While I'm confessing--

Oh, this is really embarrassing.

--I had this idea that maybe you'd ask me to the prom.

Can you imagine? Aw.

Here you were, the captain of the baseball team,

and here I was, this tall, gawky stick

with cat's eye glasses and braces.

Wow, you weren't gawky.

Joe, if you believed those things about me,

no wonder you didn't come along last night,

you must have thought I was crazy.

Uh, no, Sandy, uh...

I'm starting to think maybe I'm the one that was crazy.

I have obviously blown this thing way out of proportion.

( chuckles )

I'm sorry, I feel like such a jerk.

Well, forget it.

I just wish we'd had this conversation last night

you missed a nice evening. Yeah.

Well, the next time you're in town

we've got to get together.

I am leaving in the morning, but I have time tonight.

Oh, really? Uh. Do you want to go to dinner?

That would be nice.

Great. Terrific. I'll pick you up at 8.

Okay, come on.

I'll walk you out. All right.

Bye. Bye.

Bye-bye. Hey, you know...

( chuckles )

...ah, I once had a crush on somebody in high school

and I didn't tell them either.

Oh, really? Who?

Mrs. Nash.

You were turned on by the lunchroom lady?

I think it was the plastic baggies on her hands.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Well, look, I'm really glad we did this.

It finally gave me a chance to get to know you.

I'm glad too.

Well, goodnight. Goodnight.

And thank you.

( dog barking )

Joe, would you do me one last favor

and just get the door for me?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Here, let me get this for you.

No, no, it's very heavy. It's old law books I'm storing--

No problem.

Thank you.

( keys jingle, latch clicks )

Uh, Sandy?

Having a little trouble seeing where I'm going,

you, uh, want to hit the lights?

( switch flicks )

You never asked me to the prom, Joe.

Well,

we're going to the prom now.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

What's going on here, Sandy?

It's our senior prom. Isn't it fabulous, Joe?

We're 17 again.

( laughs )

I get it.

Oh, Brian and Helen put you up to this, didn't they.

( both laughing )

That's very funny.

Come on out, you guys. The joke's over.

( laughs )

How long have you been planning this?

Since June 5th, 1978.

( chuckles nervously )

Brian?

Helen?

Didn't I do a great job of recreating the school gym?

I had to guess about the finishing touches

since I wasn't there,

even though I was chairman of the decoration committee.

I spent every day after school for three months,

planning the theme, and hanging crepe paper,

and then somebody forgot to ask me to go!

Uh, Sandy--

I kept hoping you'd come around.

I kept hoping right up until that night.

But you didn't.

Nah, you didn't care that I spent

the whole night dressed in my beautiful prom dress

sitting in front of the TV

watching Donnie and Marie with my parents.

No, you didn't care,

'cause you had your little trophy girlfriend

Janey Jordan.

You like the flowers, Joe? I made them myself.

Uh, y-- Uh, yeah.

They're-- They're-- They're beautiful.

You did a really good job, just like you did back then.

You know, I-I remember thinking:

gosh, why didn't I ask Sandy to the prom?

You know, I thought about you that whole night.

Really?

Big, fat liar.

Don't go away.

Don't bother, Joe.

Mr. Door is locked.

Besides,

why would you want to leave your prom so early?

Mr. Phone doesn't work either.

That's the phone I sat next to for three years

waiting for you to call.

How do I look?

Uh, Sandy, maybe we could just

sit down for a minute and talk.

I said, "how do I look!"

Gorgeous.

Thank you.

Joe?

Do you know what I have in my locket?

It's hair.

It's not just hair, it's your hair.

Joey Bear hair.

Here.

Put this on.

No, you know, Sandy, I really--

Put it on!

Much better, Joey Bear.

Wow, this looks just like the jacket

I wore in high school.

It's the exact one.

I went to the rental place the day you returned it

and bought it.

You didn't. I did.

Oh, how handsome you must have looked

on June 5th, 1978.

Oh, look.

This must be Janey Jordan's lipstick on your collar.

Oh, mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

Sandy?

Sandy?

Thirsty, Joe?

I hope the punch isn't too warm.

It's been sitting there since-- Oh, no, don't tell me:

June 5th, 1978.

No, since this afternoon.

What do you take me for, a kook?

Try it.

Mm.

Let's put on some music.

I wanna get wild, I want to get crazy,

I want to dance the night away.

( disco playing on record ) Let's dance.

Uh, Sandy, you know, I really don't--

Dance!

You're not doing it the way I pictured you would.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Do it better.

Penny for your thoughts. Uh,

I think you're a total psycho in need of a Prozac

about the size of a handball.

( laughs )

You always knew how to make me laugh.

( record scratches, stops )

Time to sign the yearbooks.

( sighs )

You know, Sandy, I have had just about enough fun for one night.

I'd really like to--

What? What, Joe?

Whatever it is, we'll do it.

This is our night and I want it to be perfect.

Well, then, let me go home.

This is insane.

Fine, Joe.

If it's too much to ask, don't sign it. Forget it.

Forget that this is the most important night of my life.

More important than the bar exam.

More important than any night of my two week marriage.

If it's so painful for you, Joey Bear,

if my feelings mean absolutely nothing,

then I lied. Mr. Door isn't locked.

So you can just turn your back on me and leave.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Ma, I told you a hundred times,

Barnaby Jones, Jed Clampett, same guy.

( blusters )

I can't take anymore.

( horn blares )

She sounds lovely.

Hold it.

Uh, hold it, Scarpacci.

I'm going to give you $100.

To spend the rest of the day with my mom.

No, I don't take charity.

( horn blares )

Trust me, you are going to earn every penny.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

Mrs. Biggins?

Uh--

( coughs )

Uh, are you there?

( screams )

JOE: I'm telling you.

You gotta believe me.

She actually had on her prom dress.

Joe, we're not buying your story.

BRIAN: No, no, no, no, no.

He's just trying to get back at us

for stringing up Joey Bear in his office.

No, I'm serious.

She made me put on my old tuxedo jacket

and fast-dance to disco music.

God, that must have been awful.

I've seen you dance.

( all chuckling )

Hi, everybody, I just have a minute before my flight

but I wanted to say goodbye.

ALL: Bye.

JOE: Okay, fine, fine.

Listen, if you don't believe me,

then let's ask Sandy.

Why don't you tell them what happened last night.

Joe and I had a wonderful dinner.

JOE: No, no, no, no.

Sandy. Sandy.

Tell them about the basement. You know? Mr. Phone? Mr. Door?

Come on, tell 'em. Go. Tell 'em.

I'm not following you, Joe.

Oh, come on. Sandy.

Sandy, the punch, the yearbook, you know, the disco dancing?

BRIAN: Sandy, Sandy,

just forget him, he's a little stressed out.

Oh, well, I understand that.

It was nice to meet you.

It was nice meeting you. Have a good flight.

Thanks again, everybody.

Bye. Bye.

Next year? Homecoming.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )