Original subtitles

( jazzy theme playing )

JOE: If anyone had ever told me

I'd end up like this,

I would have thought they were crazy.

But here I am.

I wonder what people will say when they hear the news.

Maybe they'll think this was the coward's way out.

All I know is, after a lifetime of playing it safe,

I felt like there was no other choice.

But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

MAN: Hello?

( raps on countertop )

Hello?

You work here?

Sure do. I own the place. Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

There really should be someone out here. Can I help you?

Yeah, I was on your morning flight from Providence.

I checked my briefcase through and I have not seen it since.

It's black, it's about this size and it's got my initials on it.

P.M.S.

Yeah, you heard me, and no jokes.

All right, well, no problem, sir.

I will put our ticket agent on it right away

and she'll track it down in no time.

Of course, I'll just have to, uh, track her down first.

I'll get on it right away.

Look, I have an extremely important meeting at 5:00.

I need what's in that briefcase, understand?

Don't worry, sir. We'll find it.

Oh, hey, Lowell, uh, this gentleman lost

a black briefcase on a Providence flight.

Could you put our tracking system on it?

Our what?

Uh, go out on the runway and look around.

Oh.

( chuckles ): Tracking system.

I'll be back here at 4:30.

If I don't have that briefcase I'm out of a lot of money.

And I've got a team of lawyers

who'll make sure that you are too.

Another satisfied customer.

Not now, Roy.

Oh, Fay, Fay, thank God you're here.

Look, I need your help. No, no, I can't stay, Joe.

I'm just here to pick up my handcuffs.

Handcuffs?

My second husband, George, is in trouble.

He's dead. How much more trouble could he be in?

No, it-- It's terrible, Joe.

They want to move everyone in the cemetery

so that they can build a new golf course.

Yes, but handcuffs?

A group of us widows are staging a protest.

We're going to chain ourselves to the gate.

Look-- Look, Fay, I really need your help this morning.

I'm trying to track down a lost piece of luggage.

You know, Joe, this may be the last chance I'll ever have

to visit my husband without paying green's fees.

Grave robbers.

( jazzy theme playing )

Hi, is this the Baggage Claim Department?

Yeah, hi, this is Joe Hackett of Sandpiper air.

Look, um, I'm missing a black briefcase

from my last flight.

It's monogrammed. The initials are P.M.S.

( chuckles ): Yeah-- Yeah.

I-- I-- I know. Look, I don't have time for jokes right now.

Uh, could you look around and see if maybe it's--?

Joe, Joe, I need to talk to you.

Um, can you hold on one second?

Listen, my cab is falling apart, and I found a new one,

except the bank would not give me a loan

without a cosigner.

So I put down you. Thanks.

What? Antonio, how could you just--?

Don't worry. Look, I will make all the payments.

They-- They just need someone to sue in case I don't.

Hang on. Hang on just one second.

Antonio, how could you give them my name

without asking me first?

My dear friend, I never would have done it

if I thought you would have this attitude.

I don't have an attitude. I just--

Just forget it, rich boy.

Antonio Scarpacci has his pride.

What the hell am I saying?

Pride won't feed the bulldog.

Please, Joe, I'm in big trouble, here.

I need this cab.

I-- I'll be with you in one second.

Uh, well, you know, I guess, maybe--

Aw, thanks.

I'll be back this afternoon with the papers.

Well, we have to talk about this, because--

Oh, not now. You're way too busy.

Hi, thanks for holding.

Uh, the bag's not there anywhere, huh?

All right, well, maybe it got on the wrong plane.

What flights did you have that left around the same time?

All, right. Yeah, I'll try Syracuse, Cleveland and Newark.

Yup, thanks. Bye.

Well, are you happy now?

Oh, I bet you are.

Oh, I see that arrogant, smug look on your face.

All right, go ahead. Just lay into me.

Go ahead, just rub my nose right in it.

What the hell are you talking about?

Look, you were 100 percent right about Davis Lynch.

This is the fifth weekend in a row

that he has canceled our date.

He obviously does not take our relationship very seriously.

Well, I hope you told him to go to hell.

No, but when I told him I couldn't wait

to see him next weekend,

my enthusiasm was very low.

Could we talk about this a little later?

No, I don't even want to talk about it.

I just want you to tell me what to do.

( sighs ): Look, I-- I don't know.

Well, why don't you give him some kind of ultimatum?

Look, tell him, uh, either he shows up next weekend

or it's over.

That is exactly right.

I'm gonna do that right now. I'm gonna call him

and tell him that.

You think I'm being a little rough--?

Tell him.

Hi, yeah, this is Joe Hackett out of Nantucket.

Uh, listen, I have a-- A little problem.

( motor rattles, roars ) I need a-- I-- I said--

( yelling ): I have a little problem.

Can--? Can you hold on for one second?

Thank you.

Lowell! Lowell! ( engine revving )

Hey, Joe. Hi.

It's a beauty, isn't it?

1947 Harley-Davidson.

I'm rebuilding it.

Yeah, that's great, Lowell,

but I'm trying to do some work, here.

Well, I'll tell you, you picked the right place for it,

because if you tried to get anything done out here,

well, the engine noise would just drive you bats.

Yeah, hi. No, no, no, no. I'm still here. Don't hang up.

Yeah, um, I'm looking for a black briefcase.

It's monogrammed. The initials are P.M.S.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Uh-huh.

Yeah, they told me over in Providence

that it might be there with you.

Yeah.

Well, could--?

What the hell are you doing?

I-- I-- I'm in the middle of a situation, here.

Joey...

something happened.

Well, what is it?

What's--? What's the matter? Are you all right?

I-- I-- I-- I--

I-- I-- Well, come-- Come on.

Just-- Just tell me. You're scaring me.

Oh, man, it's awful, Joey. It's awful.

What? What? What?

Alex and I finally had sex last night,

and it wasn't great.

That's it?

Come on, stop kidding around, will you?

This is serious.

I mean, we waited until we really got to know each other.

And I was expecting magic, you know?

But it just wasn't magic.

Don't get me wrong. The rabbit came out of the hat, but...

I really don't want to talk about this.

That's fine. That's fine, because what I really need

is for you to talk to Alex.

What? Yeah, that's right.

I want you to ask her how it was for her.

Are you crazy? You-- You expect me to go to your girlfriend

and talk to her about your sex life?

Well, yeah.

I mean, with you she'll be truthful.

If I ask her, she'll lie through her teeth.

Like I did to her.

No. No, there's no way.

I-- It is out of the question.

I am not doing it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right, right.

Hey, and let me tell you,

if ever you have a girlfriend, I'll do the same for you.

Of course, sex at that age-- How good could it be?

( jazzy theme playing )

No-- No problem.

Your briefcase will be here at 4:30.

Thank you. You have my word on it.

Yeah. As a matter of fact, it is on its way here right now.

That's right. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Don't you have any idea where it is?

New York?

Well, why is it going to New York?

( sighs ): All-- All right.

Okay, thanks.

Hey, Hackett, wanna hear something beautiful?

My new radio commercial.

Not-- Not right now, Roy.

( grandiose music playing )

ROY: Aeromass.

The official airline of New England proudly announces

air-cushion service to New York, Boston, Nantucket

and the world.

( commercial shuts off )

Too subtle?

My God, that must have cost a fortune.

Hey, you gotta spend money to make money.

You know how that is.

Oh, that's right. You don't.

Hey-- Hey, did you talk to Alex yet?

Brian, right now I have bigger problems

than your sex life.

Well, first of all, I can't believe you said that.

And second of all--

Could you please get out?

Hey, you guys.

Listen, uh, could somebody, uh--

Somebody hit me on the head with this hammer?

I want to see if his helmet's any good.

No. I'll do it.

All right. ( clears throat )

All right, listen. Uh, don't hold back.

Now just, you know-- I want you to lay me out.

Just give me everything you got.

I want you to really just--

Lowell! Lowell! Lowell! You all right? Are you okay?

Oh, uh, the hammer works.

Helmet sucks.

Please, please, both of you, could you go?

All right. Could you go?

Hey, tell me what Alex says.

No, I-- Brian Tell me what she says.

I am not talk-- Uh, hello, LaGuardia?

Uh, yeah-- I gotta talk to you, Joe.

Fay, not right now. I'm on a very important call.

Yeah-- Yes, I'll hold. I'll hold.

What is it, Fay?

They came after us with bolt cutters.

You've got to help me, Joe.

First thing in the morning

they're moving George to the cemetery

on the other side of the island.

What is so bad about that?

They're moving him to a nicer place.

No, no, I-- I don't want him in the same cemetery

as my first husband.

That-- That's all I need

is for the two of them to get together

and start comparing notes.

Now, you know people on the city council.

You know the mayor. Uh, can't we do something?

I mean, can't--? Can't you talk to someone?

All right. All right, Fay. All right. I'll do it.

Oh, thank you, Joe.

Oh, uh, don't-- Don't forget you have that, uh,

newspaper interview this afternoon.

What? What? What interview?

The one I told you about this morning.

You didn't tell me about anything.

Well, I was supposed to.

Um... uh...

some reporter from some newspaper is coming

to talk to you about something.

What--? What, Fay?

Why would a reporter want to interview me?

Oh, well, how would I know? I only take the messages.

Hello? Uh-- Uh, yeah. Yes.

Yeah, I'm still holding.

Joe, what are you doing?

Well, at the moment I'm listening to

the New Christie Minstrels do "Papa's Got a Brand-New Bag."

What do you want?

I have never been so humiliated in my life.

Here I told the man at the car dealership

you are so dependable,

and your credit report comes back a mess.

What are you talking about?

You, Mr. Deadbeat. You--

Apparently, you owe a bundle to Idi's House of Electrolysis.

I've never even heard of that place.

Oh, yeah, fine. And I suppose I've never been there either.

Listen,

I certainly hope you're a little more convincing

when the man gets here with the loan papers.

I-- Oh.

Okay, Joe, guess what?

I took your advice and gave Davis an ultimatum.

I told him exactly what you told me to tell him.

I said, if you can't make time for me,

then we cannot see each other anymore.

Good for you. You let him have it.

I certainly did.

And he told me he understood.

And he said he cared about me so much

that he had to let me go.

( cries ): Oh, Joe.

Why did I ever listen to you?

Why? Why?

Why?

Oh, God, this is horrible.

( cries )

Hello?

Hi-- Is this New York Baggage Information?

Yeah-- No. No, I wasn't on a flight.

No, I don't want International Baggage.

No, I don't want to hold. I--

Helen, Helen, Helen.

Look, look, now. Shh, shh.

Look, would it be so hard for you to go and call him

and just tell him you changed your mind?

I can't do that.

He'll think I'm out of my mind.

A hysterical woman.

And I'm not!

( door slams ) Hello?

Oh, no! No! No, not voice mail.

No, I don't want to leave a message!

Hello, this is Joe Hackett at Sandpiper air.

Yeah, I am desperately trying to track down a black briefcase.

It's monogrammed with the initials P.M.S.

Your laugh here.

Uh, now, it is on it's way to you right now.

As soon as you get it, could you put it on a plane

back to Nantucket immediately?

I need it by 4:30.

Thank you. Bye.

( sighs )

( grandiose music playing )

ROY ( over radio ): Aeromass.

The official airline of New England proudly announces...

( knocks )

Hey, Joe. You have a minute? Can I talk to you?

Not really. I'm kind of busy.

This won't take long.

I was just wondering if Brian mentioned--

Oh, I don't want to talk about this.

But I'm afraid of disappointing him. I don't know what he wants.

Well, what makes you think I'd know?

Well, because you're his brother.

There must be something, you know, special

that no woman's ever given him.

Hey, we're Catholic. We don't talk about stuff like that.

What's the big deal? I mean, he must have said something.

All right, okay. All right.

He, uh, told me that you two finally slept together

and it wasn't that great, okay?

Oh. I was talking about his birthday.

I didn't know what to get him.

I can't believe he said that.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I mean, he's right. The sex wasn't great.

Well, look, uh...

have you, uh, thought about jumper cables?

Oh, that's sick.

I meant for his birthday.

( mellow jazz theme playing )

Gee, Hackett, it's almost 4:30.

Where do you suppose that briefcase could be?

( grandiose music playing )

Roy, would you please turn that thing off?

FAY: Uh, now, now.

You don't want to be too frazzled for your interview.

Fay, look, I just don't have time for this interview today.

Could you please call the reporter and cancel?

Well, I would, but I don't know his name.

Think. What newspaper does he work for?

I don't know.

( sighs ) Uh, it was, uh,

the New York Times or the Boston Globe.

Or-- It was a big one.

Hi, uh, Scotty Nelson from the Sconson High Tattler.

Oh, that's the one.

Uh, look, Scotty, I just don't have time

for this interview today.

Oh, come on.

It's just a little profile.

If I don't get this interview, I'll flunk Journalism.

If I flunk Journalism, then I won't graduate.

Please.

( sighs ): Okay. All right.

Uh, but-- But you only have five minutes, okay? Come on.

Uh, I don't know why you're even bothering

with a puff piece.

The hard news is at the cemetery.

( jazzy theme playing )

The slant of the article is, uh, class presidents:

where are they now?

Well, that's interesting.

So tell me, what are some of the other class presidents

up to these days?

Well, uh, one is serving on President Clinton's staff.

Another one's a correspondent for CNN.

One's a chief financial off--

I'm not talking about the old guys.

I mean, you know. Well, actually,

they're all younger than you, Joe. But, uh,

they were either too busy to be interviewed

or too far away.

Lucky for me you haven't gone anywhere.

( laughs )

Yeah, let's get started, Scotty. I got kind of a time problem.

Oh, okay. Uh, in your senior yearbook,

you said that your goals were,

and I quote,

"To fly jets,

"raise a family

and live in some faraway exotic place."

So does your airline have any jets?

No.

Are you married?

No.

Fiancée?

No.

Do people your age still have girlfriends?

Yes.

So you have a girlfriend?

No.

And you still live in Nantucket.

( chuckles ): I think we covered that.

( motorcycle engine roars )

Uh, excuse me one second, Scotty.

Lowell. Lowell!

Hey, could you shut the motorcycle off?

I'm in the middle of an interview, here.

Oh, uh, sorry, Joe.

Come on, Scotty.

Scotty?

Would that be Scotty Nelson?

Sconson High Tattler ?

Ho-ho! Lowell Mather.

Oh, I never miss your column.

You know, I especially loved the exposé you did

on gym class.

I agree. Dodge ball: what's the point?

Joe, the man is here about his briefcase.

( sighs ): Damn!

I'm dead!

Briefcase?

Uh, that reminds me.

Uh, Joe, Ernie walked this over from Air Freight

about an hour ago.

Please don't kill me.

Kill you? Kill you?

Mwah.

Scotty,

I'd appreciate it if you'd keep my name out of this.

Now, now, now, now, Joe.

Time's running out for George. When will you call the mayor?

I will get to it, Fay. I promise you.

Hey, hey. Thanks a lot, Joe.

I don't know what you said to Alex,

but she's incredibly upset and I want you to fix it.

All right. I-- I'm sorry. I'll do whatever I can. I promise.

Joe, Davis called and he apologized and so I forgave him.

But do you think I did the right thing?

Yes, yeah, I-- I-- I do think so. We'll talk about this later.

Joe? Joe, this is Mr. Donovan, the loan officer.

Mr. Donovan, Joe Hackett, the most responsible man I know.

Hi, uh--

Joe, I've got the mayor on the phone.

Sir.

It took me some doing, but here it is.

It's your briefcase.

Look, I'm really very sorry

that you had a bad experience with Sandpiper.

And I'd like the chance to make it up to you.

So if you ever decide to fly with us again,

that flight's on the house, okay?

It's scratched.

What?

There's a scratch on it.

Right here.

And it wasn't there before.

I'm filing a damage claim.

Somebody's going to pay for this.

It is not going to be me.

Well, that's not a problem, sir.

There's no need to file a report. Here, come with me.

I've got just the thing for you.

I am gonna take your briefcase

and put it through our special scratch remover.

You can collect your bags right through there.

Thank you for flying Sandpiper.

Uh, don't think I'll be needing you today.

All right, Scotty. Where were we?

Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.

You were, uh, asking me about my life.

Well I think that right here is pretty much

everything you need to know.

This is Nantucket.

I was born here, I live here,

and I am probably gonna die here.

Joe, take it easy. Relax.

No-- Relax? I can't relax.

If I relax, who's gonna try

to keep this damn airline in business?

Certainly not you.

No, you're too busy wrestling with life's greater problems

like your recent battle with mediocre sex.

A little louder. I don't think everybody heard you.

No, I could hear fine, thanks.

Joe, stop it.

No, you stop it, Helen.

You stop coming to me every time you have a problem

with your boyfriend.

Did it ever occur to you that I'm alone here,

and maybe I don't want to hear about it?

I am sick of everyone running to me

every time they have a problem.

Fay has a crisis. Run to Joe.

Antonio wants to buy a new cab. Run to Joe.

Roy wants to gloat. Run to Joe.

Where do I run to? Where do I go?

Where do I go

when my-- My dream of flying jets

turns into the nightmare of being a baggage handler, huh?

Somebody tell me.

Where do I go

when it finally dawns on me

that my life sucks?

Hi, Joe.

Joe, hey--

( engine rumbles ) Joe, what--?

What the hell are you doing?

Joe, where are you going?

( mellow jazz theme playing )

JOE: Well, this is where you came in.

The truth is, once I got on that bike,

I just wanted to keep going.

I remembered thinking I don't care where I go,

as long as it's not back there.

But you know, in my wildest dreams

I never thought I'd end up like this.

( all giggle )

A minute, 47.

That's the record.

( all cheer )

Oh, yes. Ha-ha!

Oh, yeah!

Whoo!

Oh, somebody owes me a drink.

I can't believe you just jumped in

with all your clothes on. You're crazy.

( mellow jazz theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )