Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Can you believe this?

I just got my new driver's license.

I look like a terrorist.

Oh. T-that is a bad picture.

Nah. I can top that. Look.

My eyes are shut. I look like I'm dead.

Oh, oh, oh. I'd take dead.

I look like I've just been exhumed.

( chuckles )

I've got you all beat. Here.

This has got to be, by far,

the ugliest driver's license picture ever.

Ugh. Ooh. We have a winner.

Yep. You win.

That is the worst.

Hey. Morning.

Oh, morning. Hey, Joe, Joe, Joe.

You left your wallet on the kitchen table this morning.

Oh, wow. Oh, man, thanks, I owe you one.

Hey.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Helen, these cranberry muffins are delicious.

Mm. And this jelly is wonderful.

I never realized all the incredible things

you could with cranberries.

Oh, yeah? Try the cranburger.

Well, I was just trying to get in the spirit

of the cranberry festival. You know, Antonio and I went out

and gathered them ourselves yesterday.

Oh. Did you use a frilly little basket

and skip across the meadow?

Hey, I spent a lovely day

watching several beautiful women bend over, so lay off.

Um, I don't mean to be rude, dear, but you look like hell.

Well, I was up all night.

I was waiting for Davis to call.

I waited and I waited, and I got tired of waiting alone,

so I figured I'd wait with a couple of my friends:

Ben and Jerry.

Now that you mention it,

you do look as if you might have put on a pound or two.

You do look a little chunkier.

Does anyone else have any opinions

that they'd care to share?

Well, as long as you're asking, yeah.

I don't think this guy's any good for you.

One date, you're already jumping through hoops.

Well, it would have to be one mighty big hoop.

( phone rings ) I'll get it.

Lunch counter.

It's the jerk.

Davis. Hey.

Tonight? Oh, of course I'm not busy.

All right, I'd love to.

Okay. Bye-bye.

I can't believe you're gonna be here in four hours.

Oh, God, I can't believe he's gonna be here in four hours.

Okay. Okay, okay, let me think. I'm gonna get my hair done.

I need to get some dinner reservations. I've got--

You've got to relax. Right.

Right. I'm just a little nervous.

We're finally going out on our second date.

I want it to be perfect. JOE: Don't worry.

Everything's gonna work out. 'Cause he's not gonna show.

He's gonna call and cancel like he did the last five times.

Oh, man. He's not gonna call and cancel.

Thank you, Brian.

Twenty bucks he sends flowers and a kiss-off note.

No, no, no, he's gonna fax her from the plane.

Have his secretary call.

Message on her machine.

Female impersonator with a singing telegram.

I can't believe you guys are betting against my date.

You're all wrong. He's gonna show up.

Yeah. All I have to do is to get something to wear.

Yeah, I think this date will go off without a hitch.

Oh, you're right, it will. I'll tell you what.

Why don't I take you shopping? Hm.

And you put down that doughnut

or we'll have to take you to the big girl's store.

Okay. Everything's gonna be fine.

I've got a good feeling about you and this young man.

( mouth full ): Thanks, Fay. Okay, let's go.

FAY: I'll be right with you, dear.

Twenty bucks he sends a candy gram.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uh, Roy, I've been curious.

Exactly what is the history

behind our lovely cranberry festival?

Oh, it's a beautiful story.

Long ago, on a brisk fall afternoon,

the city fathers got together and decided

that between Labor Day and Christmas,

we needed a way to suck in the tourists.

Excuse me.

I'm going to go kick myself for asking.

Hey, Helen, I heard about Davis.

Did you do something to your hair? It looks great.

Yeah, I just got highlights put in,

and I just got these new shoes.

Oh, I love those. They look really uncomfortable.

Yeah, they're a little tight,

but they go perfectly with this new dress.

Which looks really small. Yeah, it's a little tight,

but it goes perfectly with the shoes.

I-I may be stupid,

but why would anybody ever buy a dress that doesn't fit?

Well, after she loses a few pounds,

she doesn't want it to be too big.

But if it is too big, you could always wear it as a tunic, uh,

with some tights. Oh, yeah. Or you could take

the belt from your plaid suit

and cinch it in at the waist. And cinch it in.

That'd be great. Suddenly outnumbered,

the male of the species runs to warn the others.

Oh, hey, Chapel, you got a message while you were gone.

Oh, no. Davis canceled, didn't he?

That louse.

Uh, not that it matters, but, um,

did he call or send a candy gram?

No, it was La Maison about your dinner reservations.

No can do. Oh, no.

All the other restaurants are booked

'cause of the stupid cranberry festival.

Helen. Ah, Helen, relax.

I'll get you in to La Maison.

Yeah? Oh, yeah.

I have a way with the French.

You know, you drop a few names,

you'd be surprised at the results you can get.

Hello, hello.

( speaks in French )

I'm on hold.

Lowell, I didn't know you were bilingual.

Oh, I'm not. I'm just being friendly to the guy

because I need a table.

Ah, oui, monsieur.

S'il vous plaît un table pour Jacques Cousteau

et Catherine Deneuve?

Non?

Gérard Depardieu et Catherine Deneuve?

Non?

How about Gérard Depardieu and Jacques Cousteau?

Non?

Et vous aussi idiote.

( spitting )

Hello? Hello?

Not getting a table, am I?

Please. Catherine Deneuve couldn't even get a table.

Here I go. Start scratching every time I get nervous.

Okay.

Davis is gonna be here in two hours.

What am I gonna do?

Okay, I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I can do this. Let me think.

Got it. Lowell.

You're a great cook. Do you think you can help me out

and come over to my house and cook dinner for us?

I only have two hours. ( scoffs )

Helen, I could never prepare anything

that would live up to my standards in two hours.

Well, can you do something to live up to my standards?

Sure. And I'd even have time for a snooze.

Great. Thanks a lot. You're a real lifesaver.

Okay, get movin'. Clock's a tickin'.

Okay, okay. See, Helen?

Everything's gonna be okay.

You're right. I better get moving.

WOMAN: Helen.

HELEN: Stella?

What are you doing here?

Dominick and I broke up?

He's been seeing other women again.

Oh, Stella.

Alex, this is Stella. Stella, Alex.

She's my friend from New York. Nice to meet you.

Helen, remember when you said Yeah.

if I ever needed someone to talk to? Right.

Well, I hope you don't have any plans for tonight,

because I really need someone to talk to.

( sobbing ): Oh, Helen.

Tonight? Yeah.

Oh, Stella.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( sobbing )

Oh, Stella,

you know how much that I care for you,

but, um, listen.

Uh, I think you should go home

and patch things up with your boyfriend.

No.

I have to stay away from him.

But I can't be alone. I'm a mess.

I need.

Oh. Oh, now, now.

Now, eating for comfort's only gonna make it worse.

Oh, no. Don't you remember? I have to eat like this

or I have trouble keeping my weight on.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Okay, um, listen. Stella, about tonight--

Yeah, can we go somewhere and talk?

Oh, y-- We can. We-- Talk is good.

But, you know, it just occurred to me

that maybe I know someone who might be more helpful.

Really? Who?

Oh. Wait right here.

Oh, my God.

It is her.

The Slick and Speedy motor oil girl.

Oh. You know my work?

My name's Stella.

Wow, you're a model?

Whoa, yes you are.

Could you sign this for me?

Sure, I'd be flattered.

Just write, "To Roy,

thanks for the most incredible night of my life."

Yeah.

If you really wanna make it realistic,

write in tiny letters at the corner,

"Help me, I'm trapped in his basement."

Thanks. I can't wait to tell

my buddies down at the lodge I met you.

Hey, can I see that?

Okay, but don't smudge the good parts.

Wow, December.

Boy, it must have been awful cold

sitting on that snowmobile in just that little bikini, huh?

Whoa! No need to answer that one, huh?

( both chuckle )

Hey, Slick and Speedy.

Her name is Stella.

I was talking to you.

You know, I'm a grown man. I can look at this if I want to.

I just don't want to.

Oh, come on, Joe. You have to help me.

I need.

No. No, Helen. No way.

Just 'cause you have a date doesn't mean you can dump

some emotional wreck on me.

Did I mention Stella's gorgeous?

( scoffs ): Oh, yeah, right.

Sure she is. Whenever a woman says another woman is gorgeous,

she usually has an underbite like a Lhasa apso.

Uh-uh. Forget it, no. I'm tired of being Mr. There-For-Everyone.

Helen.

Oh, Stella. Stella, hi. Joe Hackett.

Helen was just telling me what you're going through.

You poor thing. Listen, um,

why don't we get together and have dinner tonight?

We can talk about it. I get off at 7.

Great. Pick her up at 7:30.

Helen, Helen, menu's all set. Yeah.

Great. Who's this?

Oh, this is my friend Stella, from New York. Lowell.

I can't work under these conditions. I quit.

Wait. Wait, why? Because you said

there was only gonna be two for dinner.

Did you think her meal was just gonna magically appear?

Lowell, she's not eating.

Oh, nice hostess.

Listen, you come around to the back door,

I'll fix you a little plate.

ALEX: Helen. Yes.

You're scratching again.

You need to relax.

Come with me to the gym.

Thirty minutes on the StairMaster, a nice swim--

Oh, like I have time to do that.

You can sweat off a few pounds.

Good point. Let's go.

All right. I'll meet you there.

Okay. Come on, Stella. Helen, I've gotta get sleep.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Got it.

Lowell, take my keys.

You go home, get dinner started, and give Stella a lift.

Oh, great. First I'm the chef, then I'm the chauffer.

What's next? Watering the polo ponies.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

I'm the Slick and Speedy girl.

Heh-heh. You know, I appreciate your candor,

but quite frankly, I like a little more mystery in a woman.

Hey, girl, how you doing? Hey.

You know what? I'm just handling everything great.

Really. Davis'll be here soon.

Got my hair done, got a new dress.

Stella's taken care of. Lowell's cooking for me.

I have time for a workout.

Everything's going great. Thanks.

Great.

Oh, God. Everything's not going fine.

I just gave Lowell my car keys.

Look, just calm down. Get a grip, okay, Helen?

Here, you can borrow mine. Okay.

Oh, thank y--

Heh! Hey, hey, you remember when we were kids,

and we used to play "keep away,"

and remember I used to go like this?

Oh, yeah, and I used to go like this? Oh!

Yeah, I forgot that part.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh. Of all the places I could have taken a breather,

I picked the racquetball court?

Oh, God. Look at my eye.

Helen, trust me. It's nothing. It's hardly noticeable.

Really? Yeah.

My God! Look at your eye!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

There you go. See? I told you.

With makeup, that eye looks much better.

Really? LOWELL: Absolutely.

You know, you dim the lights, that eye looks almost human.

Okay, now, this is not gonna be a problem.

I mean, it's gonna look fine, and it's no big deal.

This'll be fine. Right, right.

And once you put your hair down, Davis won't notice anything.

Oh, yeah. How's this?

Oh, G--

What? What is it?

Aaagh! Oh, God! My hair. It's green.

You know, on the plus side, though,

it'll draw attention away from the eye.

Alex, how did this happen?

Um, maybe your new highlights

reacted with the chlorine in the pool.

"Come to the gym. A good swim will make you feel better."

Thanks a lot, Alex. Come on, Helen.

You can deal with this.

You're feisty, you're resourceful.

I'm green. Okay.

Let's see. Davis is gonna be here any minute.

Um, what am I gonna do?

Okay, I got it. Um...

You set the table. I'm gonna go upstairs.

I'm gonna dye this out. I'm gonna put on my dress.

I'm gonna check on Stella while I'm up there,

and everything will be fine. Right. Just relax.

Oh, I'm relaxed.

( doorbell rings )

( gasps ): Oh, no, it's Davis.

Hoh-hoh, dinner's not ready.

Stall him.

It's just Brian.

Ah, nice to see you too.

I don't mean it like that.

It's just that things are a little crazy.

Sure. I'll get out of here as soon as I can.

As soon as I find my keys. I gave them to Helen. Oh.

Um, Helen, where are Brian's keys?

HELEN: I don't know, down there.

Just look around.

BRIAN: Whoa.

Klaatu, barada, nikto.

Very, very, very funny. They're right down--

They're not. Okay. Okay.

Let's find Brian's keys and get him out of here.

We'll find his keys, you go upstairs and get ready.

It's not a problem. Okay, not a problem.

Mm.

All right. Hold it. Don't move.

All right, somebody took a crab-filled snow pea.

Was it you?

( mouth full ): No.

Come on, give.

Come on.

Well, nobody's gonna want this one now.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, no! It's Davis.

Well, dinner's not ready.

Stall him.

It's just Roy.

HELEN: What is he doing here?

I wanna get a picture with Stella. Forget it.

Helen's upstairs trying to get ready for a date

and Stella's asleep. Ah. So I understand.

It's not a good time, is it? No.

Okay, I'll just park it over here till it is.

Ooh.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, no. It's Davis. LOWELL: Heh-heh.

Dinner, not ready.

Stall him.

It's just Joe.

Well, that was charming. Hey, where's Stella?

Whoa, wow, that's right.

Tonight's your big date with Lynch.

No wonder you pulled out all the stops.

Cram it, Joe.

What's all the noise out here?

I'm trying to stuff a capon.

Now, Lowell. Everything's gonna be fine.

I'm gonna take care of all this right here.

You just go back in the kitchen and stuff it.

The-- The capon.

All right. I'll try.

Okay. I can do this.

I can do this. I can--

What are you people doing in my home?

I'm here to pick up Stella. Uh, looking for my keys.

Okay. Roy, what would you possibly be doing in my home?

I'm here to take a naked picture of Stella.

What?

Helen, I'll deal with this. You go get ready. Yes.

Remember, you can do this.

I can do this.

Wait a second. You're going out with Stella?

Oh, boy, what I wouldn't give to f--

Find my keys.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, no, it's Davis!

Mm. Dinner, not ready.

Stall him.

It's just Antonio.

HELEN: What is he doing here?

Feeling unwelcome at the moment.

Helen, could you come down here, please? It's urgent.

HELEN: Oh, for crying out loud. I'm busy!

Yes, what? What? What is it?

Agh! Agh! Heh.

Just-- Uh, listen.

Uh, the doctor says I have a severe case of poison oak

from picking berries with you yesterday.

What? Ah, well, don't worry.

I mean, the good news is

that I don't have those big red blotchy marks

like those.

Agh.

Oh, good. Poison okay.

With any luck, it'll kill me.

Now, the doctor gave me this calamine lotion to, uh--

To relieve the itching, so...

There.

Well, look how pink it is.

Pink is pretty.

Freeze, Biggins.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, it's Davis.

Dinner, not ready.

Stall him.

Uh, it's just three strange guys with cameras.

Hey, in here, guys.

Slick and Speedy girl will be down any minute.

Who are you--?

( stammering )

What are you doing here?

( chuckles ): That's her?

Boy, they really touch up the bad parts on those calendars.

Roy, get your friends and leave.

Haven't you found your keys yet? As soon as I do,

I'll get out of your hair.

Bad choice of words.

Just check upstairs.

Right.

Uh, Joe, do me a favor, please.

Scratch my back. I can't reach.

No, forget it. I'm not gonna touch that.

It's contagious.

Please, I'm dying here.

Ah.

Oh.

When was the last time you had a manicure?

( crashing )

Ca--

All right, all right.

Nobody panic.

Dinner's gonna be a little delayed.

I just have to reassemble the chicken from memory.

Oh, there goes dinner.

Helen, Helen, hang on.

Okay. Okay.

Because, see, um, Davis is not here to eat food,

he's here to see me, right?

Okay, so everything's gonna be fine.

( Stella screams ) No, it's not.

Whoa. Who knew Stella slept in the nude, uh?

Boys-- Hold it right there.

Okay, let's see. Somebody go check on Stella.

Joe, that's your job. Please knock first.

Okay. But, uh, if I'm not back in ten minutes,

send up some champagne.

So you saw her naked, huh?

It was awful, honey. Hold me.

( doorbell rings ) Oh, no! It's Davis.

Heh-heh, dinner's not ready.

Stall him.

Hey, it's just Fay and-- Who the hell are you?

Dominick. Stella's boyfriend.

Heh-heh, oh, no.

He was making a commotion at the airp-- Ooh.

Oh, well, then, fine. Bring him here, Fay.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're Stella's boyfriend?

Oh, I know. I couldn't believe it either.

Where is she?

Hey, Stella!

Stella!

She's upstairs naked with Joe.

Stella!

Helen, quick, I need you to taste the sauce.

Not now, Lowell.

Oh, great. I slave over a hot exploding stove,

and you don't even have a minute to try the sauce.

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to leave then.

Okay, tasting the sauce.

( all shouting indistinctly )

So Stella, this is the wimp who's taking my place?

Wimp? Yeah.

You have no right to call anyone anything,

Mr. Hot-Shot-Photographer.

You're the one that had the affair

with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.

Really? Which one?

Why are you even here?

Because I love you, Stella.

Ah. And you show your love

by seducing the hottest actress in Hollywood?

Really? Which one?

Dump the geek and let's get out of here, Stella.

Geek. Oh, time to go, little man.

You want a piece of me, rubber neck?

Come on!

Agh!

Okay, I can do this.

Who am I kidding? I can't do this.

Okay, that's it. It's over. I quit.

This was supposed to be a beautiful night,

and I have green hair, a black eye, and blotches.

Look at me. Just look at me!

It's prom night, and I'm Carrie.

Actually, Carrie could be hosed off,

and then she was okay.

But you, well-- That's it.

Everybody out! Get out of my house!

Go!

Get out. Get out.

Who are you? I don't care, get out.

( panting )

( doorbell rings )

What the hell do you want?

Oh, Davis.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )