Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Okay, look...

I-I-I know this whole...

abstinence thing was my idea

but I-I-I think we've waited long enough, huh?

Maybe you're right.

I mean, the whole point was

to get to know each other better

and I feel we have.

Exactly, what more do we need to know?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We waited this long,

we should make our first time really special.

Let's make our second time really special.

Let's make our first time really soon.

No, I mean it.

Uh, let's go away this weekend.

Someplace really romantic.

I promise it'll be worth the wait.

Okay.

Okay, we'll do it your way.

Just leave everything to me.

Okay.

Poor fools.

They don't know what they're missing.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Morning, Lowell.

Hey, Roy, good morning.

Remember, kids,

someone says "good morning" to you,

always say "good morning" back.

Even if you could care less.

Uh, Lowell, what-- What are you doing?

Oh, you know, I'm recording my thoughts.

I have one almost, uh, every day.

I'd have bet against it.

Yeah, since my divorce I don't get to see my kids very often.

I don't want 'em to miss out on any

of my excellent fatherly advice.

Which reminds me.

Never talk to strangers...

unless you know them really well.

Well, your children are very lucky, Lowell.

All my father ever told me was,

"You may not be strong, you may not be smart,

but you sure are a hairy little monkey."

Morning, Helen.

Wow, nice flowers. No they're not.

It's Davis' way of saying that he's not coming this weekend.

Lynch again, huh? Better off without him.

Joe, you just don't like him

because he wouldn't invest in your business,

but you've got to listen to me, he feels really bad about that.

He does? Yes. He said--

You know, with the new tax plan and all,

he is gonna wish he had

a few more lousy investments to write off.

Well, he can eat his heart out

'cause I'm gonna lose more money this year than I ever have.

Roy, look who's coming in through Gate 1.

ROY: Oh, wow. She's gorgeous.

Oh, Roy, you've been drooling over that woman for months.

Are you ever gonna talk to her?

Now, now, I wouldn't know what to say

to a lady like that.

But she's beautiful. Who is she?

Her name's Barbara Farkichevski

She's been flying into the island on my airline for months.

I just haven't been able to get up the courage to talk to her.

Well, uh, I-I think if you did, she would marry you in a second.

You think so?

Oh, yes, anything to get rid of

that name: Farkichevski.

Oh, why don't you just talk to her?

What am I gonna say?

Well-- Well, lis-- Oh, I know, I know.

Here, uh, um, make believe that Lowell is Barbara

a-and let me hear what you'd say to her.

Lowell?

Yes. Let me hear your best opening line.

Oh, will you stop that?

All right.

Now, here's the best one I got.

Baby, you got it all: face, boobs and caboose.

Mother was right.

Men are scum.

What?

What was wrong with that? What?

Oh, you're just like an artichoke:

one unsightly layer after another.

Well, then what should I do?

Well, with a lady like that you'd need a whole new approach.

Yes, and perhaps a whole new look wouldn't hurt either.

Maybe we could do a-- What do you call it?

--a makeover?

Oh, well in this case, more like a make-do.

Yeah, right.

Like I'd let you two anywhere near me.

I'm all yours. Strip me naked and start from scratch.

Well, let's hope that won't be necessary.

Let's start with the hair. Uh...

what is this goop you put on it now?

I don't put anything on it.

( Fay and Antonio laughing )

No, really?

Really.

Fay, we have much to do.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Ah, remember the good old days when this used to be my office?

Hold on, hold on. Would you just give me a minute, please?

I'm trying to rent this really incredible

cabin up in Connecticut for me and Alex.

Oh, so, uh, does this signal the end of this celibacy kick?

Well, let's put it this way:

I've been carbo-loading for two days.

Yeah, that sounds great. I'll take it.

How much?

Uh, maybe you don't understand.

I'm bringing my own woman.

No, no, no, that's okay.

That's o-- Yes.

All right, we'll see you there tonight.

Ow. Okay

All I need from you now are the keys to the plane

and I'm outta here.

My plane? Yeah.

Sorry, man. I've got a flight

first thing in the morning.

The salmon fishermen, remember?

Oh, now wait.

Uh, I don't want to hear about

anybody spawning this weekend but me.

Well, c-could you fly us there?

You can pick us up tomorrow on the way back from your charter.

Oh, come on! It's not like you got anything else going on

in your crummy little life.

Oh, good salesmanship.

Comin' through. Move. Get outta my way.

Move, move, move.

Davis called. He's free after all.

I'm going to New York to see him.

Hey, Roy, get me on your last flight to LaGuardia.

No can do. It's booked.

Uh-- Ugh.

Then I'll ride up front with the pilot.

I already sold that seat.

Fine. I'll ride down below in a pet carrier.

Believe me, I would love to oblige

but the FAA said I can't do that anymore.

Joe, you got a plane. You can take me.

Where is it, out in the hangar? Let's go. Move it!

Joe, I know you don't like Davis.

But if you don't take me to New York,

I'll kill you while you sleep.

Well, gee, when you put it that way

it makes it so hard for me to say

no way in hell!

That's right. Because if he's gonna take anybody, my sweet,

it's gonna be me and Alex to Connecticut

because I am his brother, after all.

Oh, yeah, the brother who once stole his fiancée.

Wait a second. Who's dating the guy

who won't invest in his airline?

Well, who's his best friend?

Oh, really? Well, who wrecked his ca--

Never mind.

Brian, why are we fighting?

You know, we can both have our way.

This is Joe we're talking about.

I mean, we've been getting our way with him for years.

Let's do it.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I panicked.

I-I-I-- All right, let's do what we do best.

BOTH ( whining ): Joe.

I hate this.

Really hate this.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Lowell, Fay,

your attention please.

I now present the new and improved Roy Biggins.

This season, romance is in the air,

and its name is Roy.

A fashion must for any occasion

is this navy pinstriped Italian suit,

silk tie and matching handkerchief.

The pants are pleated. The jacket is ventless.

It's bold, it's beautiful, it's Biggins.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Do I look dumb or what?

A little,

but the clothes help.

Now, now, Roy, we're not done.

Uh, do you remember your new opening line?

Uh, okay, Lowell, if you please.

What is this? Am I the only available woman on the island?

All right, here goes.

I don't mean to be forward,

but if beauty were sunlight,

you would shine from a million miles away.

Oh, goodness.

Never be ashamed of your feelings.

Even if they scare you.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh, God.

I feel like we're mom and dad taking the kids to the prom.

Just give 'em a break, Joe. They're in love.

And while you're at it, you know,

you could be a little happier for me too.

I'm sorry. Did I forget to express my glee?

( sighs )

You know, this landing strip is supposed to be right up here

but, uh, with this fog. I don't know.

Don't know what?

Yeah, just land the plane.

Brian, look at this weather.

All right, if you can't set her down then let me do it.

Well, maybe you should let me do it.

Really, it's okay, I'm perfectly capable of landing a plane.

But I have more experience flying in bad weather than you.

Would you both shut up?

I know how to land a plane.

Well, then land.

Joe, don't you let them tell you what to do.

Do what you think is right. Thank you.

Which is obviously going to New York.

Land.

Joe, don't let them pressure you.

You just do what you think is best.

Helen, could you quit digging your nails into my thigh?

Land. Look, look.

There's an opening in the cover.

You can get through that. Land.

Look, you want me to risk my life

just so you two can have sex?

Well, when you put it that way-- Land!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( sighs )

I was out of my mind to try that landing.

Yeah, well, life's a gamble, then you die. See ya!

Yeah, see ya.

( hatch closes )

( sighs )

Do you believe how selfish those two are?

Yeah, they're awful. Now, quit yakking

and get me to New York.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( sighs )

Thanks for starting the fire.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

Here, we'll throw another log on.

( groans )

Ah, this is so wonderful.

Be even more romantic if my butt wasn't numb.

Let's see.

Where else could we possibly be more...

comfortable?

Mine.

( speaking gibberish )

You know, poets spend their lifetimes

trying to write about moments like this and...

all I could think of to say is...

yippee.

Stay right there. I will.

Wild horses couldn't drag me away.

Although I'm game for almost anything.

( knocking on door )

( knocking on door )

JOE: Very funny, Brian. Come on. HELEN: Open the door, Brian.

Go away.

Mm.

Was there someone at the door?

Yeah, it was just the gruff, yet kindly, caretaker

asking if we had enough wood

and, my God, we do.

( knocking on door )

Hi.

What are they doing here?

JOE: Open the damn door please. HELEN: Open the door, okay?

JOE: Please open the damn door.

( grunts angrily )

Hey, look! It's Joe and Helen.

Let's kill them.

The fog got worse. I couldn't take off.

Yeah, you big chicken.

If Chuck Yeager were here he would slap your face.

Oh, it's a fascinating, fascinating tale,

but what the hell are you doing here?

This was the only building for miles.

Not true. There's a little town not two days walk from here.

Hey, this place is pretty nice.

Hey, where's the damn phone?

I have to call Davis and tell him I won't be there.

There is no phone or TV or radio.

What are you talking about?

Then what are you supposed to do here?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Now, what are you looking at? You think I want to be here?

Pfft.

I know. I'm being selfish.

No, no, you're not being selfish.

We had a perfectly lovely evening planned

and they ruined it.

And you-- You can stop smiling.

No, actually, I can't.

( laughing )

As you so kindly pointed out, uh, I had no plans this evening,

but watching those of you who did

is not without a certain entertainment value.

So, what do you want to do, huh?

Hey, how about, uh, charades?

No. No charades.

First one to mime something dies.

Come on, you don't like mimes?

I think they're pretty clever.

Mimes are not clever, they're--

They're white-faced, big-mouthed, glove wearing,

little, horrible jerks who live in imaginary boxes,

and if I hear another word about it,

I'm not gonna be held responsible for my actions.

Ooh, we're scared.

Try me. Mime something.

You know, I have an idea.

Why don't you two guys go outside and get lost?

Well, I would, but I can't seem to get out of this box.

JOE: No, no, wait. Hey. Hey.

Would you guys just please stop it?

You're right. You know, she's right.

You're absolutely right.

There's no reason why this can't be a perfectly pleasant evening.

Just keep a leash on gland-boy.

Helen. Mm?

Maybe you ought to give the champagne a rest.

Oh, what does it matter?

It's all gonna be over as soon as Davis buys that chewing gum.

Gum?

If I don't get to New York, Davis is gonna get bored

and he's gonna go down to the local newsstand

to buy a pack of gum.

And he's gonna meet this beautiful girl there

buying the latest issue of Cosmo-- The slut.

And they're gonna fall in love

and get married and have two kids...

and live in a little house with a white picket fence.

( sobbing ): My house.

And I'm gonna end up living in a shopping cart.

And all the kids are gonna point at me and say,

"Oh, well, there's crazy old Helen.

She never made it to New York."

Joey, where's your compassion?

Take Helen to New York.

You're right. Okay. All right, I will.

But I can't get to the door. It's too windy!

You are so dead!

Come on. You mime.

I've had it. I am out of here.

Oh. Whoa. Okay, okay, okay, That's a great idea, okay.

We'll leave them here.

You and I will go in the woods

and we'll get back to nature, huh?

Brian, when are you gonna get it?

Our romantic evening is not gonna happen.

All right, all right, well I'm coming with you then.

I'm just going for a walk. You don't need to come along.

I know I don't need to come along,

but if something were to happen to you, I'd feel responsible.

( laughs sardonically )

Don't worry. I can take care of myself.

In the service we had survival training

they used to just drop us off

in the middle of nowhere for days

with nothing but a fishhook and a piece of twine.

And that's relevant because...?

I think it's pretty clear, Brian.

She can always defend herself with a freshly caught trout.

Oh, Joe, look. I don't have a lifeline.

Listen, I just want to go for a walk.

If I run into trouble, I can handle it.

Of course you will.

What's that supposed to mean?

Um, skip it. Skip it.

No, no. Go ahead.

Okay. Okay.

Why do you always have to be so tough all the time?

Why-- Why can't you be more of a--?

A what?

Uh, okay.

A girl.

Oh, Helen, pay attention.

This is getting good.

Well, if I'm so masculine,

why are you so hot to sleep with me?

Oh, I wish we had some popcorn.

Y-you're just so... competitive.

I am not. Oh, my God!

What about when we were on the plane?

I said, "I could land."

You said, "No. I-- Let me. I can land better."

I mean, you're constantly one-upping me.

If I say "planes," you say "jets."

If I say "walk," you say "run."

You say "potato," she says--

No thanks. I'll just have the rice.

Listen, Alex-- Alex, come on, please, please.

We didn't come here to fight, okay?

We're just-- We're tense.

Why don't we take that walk together

and we'll find a place where we can-- You know...

Oh, wait a minute.

That's right.

You wanna have sex. I forgot.

Fine. Let's have sex.

( flatly ): Come on, big boy.

Make me a real woman.

Make the earth move.

Ooh, baby. Ooh, baby. You're the best.

Yeah, that's great. Thank you. That's great.

Oh, could you pull over the car?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Hey, you know what?

We ought to book this place again for next year.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uh, what flight is she on, Roy?

Nineteen.

She should be here any minute.

Ah.

Now go sweep that beautiful woman off her feet.

Uh, do you remember your new opening line?

Yeah. Yeah, I got it.

I got it.

I don't mean to be forward, but...

if beauty were sunlight,

you'd shine from a million miles away.

That is really beautiful.

( chuckles )

Tell me more.

Um--

I-if beauty were-- Were sunlight,

you would s-shine from...

a million miles away.

What?

Uh--

( chuckles nervously )

Uh, i-i-if beauty were, uh--

Uh, were sunlight, you would--

You-- Oh, boy.

You would be shining from a m-million...

Ah, the hell with this.

Joe, where have you been?

The boys from the salmon club have been calling all morning.

( laughing ): Uh...

well, that's kind of a long story, Fay.

I'll go call 'em right now.

Now, w-w-wait a minute. What happened to Helen?

Her Mr. Lynch called and said she never got to New York.

She was with me.

Oh, really?

FAY: Oh, Helen. Uh--

I just heard about you and Joe.

Congratulations.

For what, not killing him?

I gotta go call Davis.

Uh, good morning, Alex.

I guess there's no doubt that you had a nice evening.

Guess again.

I give up.

Alex. Alex, come on.

I can't take the silent treatment anymore.

Look, I know we both said

some rotten things to each other last night and...

we're obviously both too proud to make the first move.

So how about this?

What if, at the same time, we both say...

"I'm sorry," okay?

Okay? Okay.

One, two, three.

I'm sorry. I accept.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )