Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Yes, hi, information. Uh,

I was hoping to get the number for Larson's Hardware.

Okay. Thanks, thanks, thanks.

555-8436.

555-8436.

Helen, do you have a quarter for the phone?

Yeah, that's right.

Three cases of 7UP, four V8. 555...

8436... No, make that four 7UP--

Uh, Roy, do you have 25 cents for the phone?

Departing at 4:35. 555...

8436. Oh, that's fine.

Meet you at the corner Need a quarter.

of Third and Maine at 12:45. Phone.

1:15? 8436...

5-- Aeromass Flight 27,

formerly Flight 19 departing from Gate 1,

is now Flight 21 departing from Gate 2.

555-8436.

Helen. Helen, for God's sake,

do you have a quarter for the phone?

I-- 555-8436. 5--

Helen. Muah, muah, muah.

555-8436.

555-8436.

Ah. Larson's Hardware. Oh, great.

Oh. Listen, uh, do you have any--?

You have any idea why I called?

( upbeat theme playing )

Lowell, got the plane all gassed up and ready to go?

Yeah, it's all gassed up, Joe.

But it's not going anywhere.

What? Why? Ah,

the old pump's leaking like a sieve.

Ah, damn it.

Well, how fast can you put in a new one.

Uh, take about 20 minutes. Okay, good.

But we don't have one.

Why the hell not?

Well, when I wanted to stock it

you said we didn't have the money, Mr. Curse Words.

Roy, look, I know that I'm the competition and everything,

but I'm in a real bind here.

I need a spare oil pump. You got one?

What's that Pilot Hackett of Sandpiper Air?

Your only aircraft is malfunctioning again

and you have no spare parts?

Thanks. Thanks, Roy.

Anytime. Anytime.

Lowell, order a pump. Yes, sir.

Fay, announce the cancellation.

Uh, attention Sandpiper passengers,

due to mechanical difficulties,

we are cancelling flight number 25 to Boston.

( all groaning )

Would you rather go home in a body bag?

Fay. Joe, it's basic psychology.

They were upset. Now they're glad to be alive.

Joe, we heard the announcement,

what is it this time? What's going on?

What's go--? I'll tell you what's going on.

The plane broke down again. I had to cancel another flight.

I'm screwed, that's what's going on.

Gee, you're just replacing that old plane piece by piece.

Yeah, why don't you just buy a new one.

Now, that is a great idea.

I know I have a couple of hundred thousand dollars

around here somewhere.

Oh, darn it, I left it in my other pants.

Got any other good suggestions? I got a suggestion for you.

Why don't you take a flying-- He can't, doesn't have a plane.

Ha, ha. Oh, man, you know,

I can't take this anymore.

I can't even keep the one plane I have in the air.

If I'm ever gonna make anything out of this airline

I've gotta find an investor.

Even if it means giving up part of the company.

No, you know, I don't like the sound of those guys.

They come here, expect us to work even harder

than we already do.

You work 18 hours a week.

You know me, I'm a giver.

Well, listen, I've heard all about these business sharks.

First some snotty MBA comes in,

and hires a bunch of smiley bimbos

to youthify our image,

then they loop the pension fund,

force me into a nursing home,

where I spend the rest of my days sitting alone,

listening to the sound of bugs

slamming themselves against the florescent lights.

Hey, Fay's on board.

( upbeat theme playing )

All right, let's go over this one more time.

Brian is flying a very important man over here right now.

His name is?

BOTH: Davis Lynch. Good. Now,

it is important for us to be extremely nice to him,

because he is?

BOTH: The money guy. Great. Good. Okay, now.

You gotta remember these people are extremely serious,

button-down three-piece suit types.

So if we're gonna convince him to invest in us,

we have to-- Kiss his--

Fay.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, it's just the way I feel.

Sandpiper is a really nice little family operation.

Do you wanna go and ruin everything

by turning it into a successful business?

Hey. I'm there for you, Joe.

If you wanna ruin Sandpiper, hey, you can count on me.

Hackett, you're dreaming. No company worth a damn

is gonna waste it's time on you.

What's the matter, Roy, afraid of a little serious competition?

Not as long as you're here, skippy.

Hey, hey. Hey.

Hey, have you got him? Is Lynch here?

Yeah. He's right behind me, and don't worry,

he's feeling much better now. And to think I made fun of you

for Scotchgarding the seats.

What?

Mr. Lynch, hi. Uh, Joe Hackett.

I'm really sorry, I heard you had a pretty rough flight.

If there's anything I can do-- Joe, Joe.

Uh, you're Davis Lynch?

Yeah, you're Joe Hackett?

Yeah.

Congratulations, Joe, that was the worst flight of my life.

And I was once in a midair collision.

I-- I am so sorry. Look, why don't we go over here

and get you something to settle your stomach.

Helen. Yeah.

Uh, this is Davis Lynch,

that very important visitor I was telling you about.

You're kidding. Uh, I mean, nice to meet you.

Uh, I think she was expecting somebody

a little more stuffy, staid, you know.

More like, well, you.

Ha. Ah, Helen, he's feeling a little queasy from the flight

do you have-- Joe.

That's no way to introduce me to a beautiful woman.

Hi. I'm Davis Lynch

and I'm incredibly nauseous.

You know, just the other day I was talking with my friends

and I said, "you know, if only I could meet a nauseous man,

my life would be complete."

Coming up.

Nauseous, huh?

Uh, did never happen to me. I can eat just about anything.

Well, that's not true. There's one thing I can't stomach.

It's when you take a bite a chicken

and a big old vein comes snapping back at you.

Thank you. Uh, this is Lowell Mather,

our chief mechanic.

Charmed.

So, listen, Joe, whenever the money guy gets here,

let me know, I'll help you suck up.

Uh, come on, why don't I, uh,

introduce you to the rest of our staff.

Uh, course, you already know my brother, Brian.

Oh, yeah, the, uh, grossly underpaid,

underappreciated brains of the operation.

Oh, we were just making small talk, you know.

And, uh, Fay Cochran, our head of reservations.

You ever tasted the food in a nursing home?

No, but I occasionally drop in

for a sponge bath.

Okay, here you go.

What's in it? Uh,

let's see. Soda, bitters, Pepto-Bismol,

soy sauce, aspirin, and a little bitty shot of bug spray.

She's kidding. Yes, I'm kidding.

I was out of aspirin.

God, what a smile.

Oh, thanks, I've been using this new anti-plaque--

Not you. Her.

Although I must say your breath is minty fresh.

I know, Joe, you're saving it all up

for one big chuckle.

No, I-I thought it was funny.

So, uh, let me get these papers that you asked for.

I have here the, uh, business plan,

tax returns, and the profits and losses.

Good. Good, good, good.

But, you know, first I think I'd like to

familiarize myself with the community,

maybe, uh, take a little whirl around the island.

I've learned you don't invest in business,

you invest in people.

Great. Sure, I'd be glad to show you around.

Uh.

But-- You rather go with

someone like...

Helen? Mmm.

Oh, oh, great, yeah, no problem, she'd love to.

Is she single? Single and available.

Uh, I'll go get her for you.

But, first, Fay, why don't you show Mr. Lynch

the office and the hangar.

Oh, certainly, Joe.

And right afterwards I'll go dig my own grave.

Phew. That guy's a case, isn't he?

Yeah. How's it going?

Oh, great. Look, Helen,

I need a really huge favor.

Yeah. Uh...

Could you maybe show Lynch around the island?

Well, why me?

Well, uh...

I guess he's looking for a little,

you know, companionship.

Oh, really.

So he wanted a girl,

and you just pointed at me.

No, no, no. He pointed at you and I said okay.

Look, Helen, just take him around

and show him a good time.

Excuse me. Entertain him.

Give him the lay of the land.

Oh, wait. Oh, boy, that came out wrong.

I'm just trying to keep him happy.

This is, believe me, completely harmless.

Yeah, it starts with a little harmless sightseeing tour,

and before you know it, I'm tied up in his hotel room

dialing 911 with my nose.

Now, do you still want me to do it, Joe?

Would you? Oh. Forget it, Joe.

Helen, nothing is gonna happen.

Look, Helen, this is not just my business

we're talking about. It's my life.

Lynch is the only guy who would even return my calls.

With his help I could maybe turn Sandpiper into something,

instead of just limping along like I do now.

Please, Helen, is there any way you can help me out?

So even if did, who would watch my counter?

Antonio would be happy to.

Would be happy to what?

To watch Helen's counter.

Uh, for 50 bucks.

You're right, Antonio would be happy to.

And here we are back at Sandpiper,

my second home,

my reason for living.

Did I mention I have no savings?

Repeatedly. Joe.

J-just one second. Helen, please.

I hate this, Joe. I really hate this.

I'll do it. Oh, thank you.

Here's Helen.

She's all yours.

Thanks, Hackett. Don't wait up.

( melancholic theme playing )

He seemed nice.

( upbeat theme playing )

( humming )

Ah. Welcome, sir.

How can I help you?

Uh, give me a cheeseburger.

Yes, of course, I could give you a cheeseburger,

but, uh, instead I am offering you

a delightful veal piccata

on a bed of homemade capellini,

a recipe that has been in my family

over a hundred years.

Give me a cheeseburger.

Fine. Coming right up.

One greasy gray glob

of saturated fat.

So? Have you heard from Helen yet?

Oh, please, Helen is fine.

It's Lynch I'm worried about. You know how Helen is.

She might insult him and blow this whole deal.

Doesn't it bother you

that you're treating her like some kind of party favor.

It's just another example of how

big business corrupts.

So what's next, bossman?

Topless stewardesses?

Throw in a bottomless cup of coffee,

we got ourselves a gimmick Oh.

What's up?

Joe sent Helen off to entertain Lynch.

Bad move, man. Bad move.

You're damn right it is.

This is Helen we're talking about here,

you should've sent somebody who'd actually sleep with him.

You're both pigs.

Thanks a lot, Joey.

Thanks a lot for turning me into the following.

Wait, honey, I didn't mean it.

Frankly, Joe Hackett,

I'm more than a little disappointed in your judgment.

Sending Helen off with that Lynch guy to be his tour guide.

Come on, not you too. Ha,

I got a message for you, little mister.

Nobody gives a better tour of Nantucket than Lowell Mather.

Yes, you may think of me

as just another greasy mechanic,

but you get me out of these coveralls,

I can show any man a good time.

Hey, Roy. Uh, just--

Just a minute. Um...

Let me ask you a hypothetical question.

If you were thinking about

doing business with some guy,

and, uh,

he set you up with a woman, what would you expect from her?

Hackett, you can quit blowing smoke,

I know this is about Helen.

You treated her like some cheap hooker.

You threw her at some

horny rich guy.

Come here you.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, you know what would be fun?

Let's rent two crab suits,

come back here with giant mallets,

and scare the hell out of these people.

It was kind of funny, wasn't it?

I'm sorry, I have a big problem.

What?

I am having

a great time.

And that's a problem because...?

Because I'm mad at Joe. He used me.

We're supposed to be best friends.

The more fun I have, the harder it is to be mad at him.

You know, actually Helen,

I've got kind of a problem myself.

See, I can never remember,

when it's on the outside it's the salad hammer, right?

So, folks, what'll it be?

Well, what do you got?

We only serve crab.

I see. So what would you recommend?

We only

serve crab.

Uh, two crabs dinners will be fine.

I think he likes me.

Oh, I think he thinks you're insane.

You've been like this all day.

I mean, you're supposed to be this hotshot businessman,

you can't even be serious for 30 seconds.

Thirty seconds, huh? Okay, here goes.

I spent eight years

at the biggest investment bank on Wall Street.

But I woke up one morning and I realized I rather shoot myself

than spend another day in that stuffy office,

so I quit, started my own firm, and I never looked back.

And as long as I'm being serious, Helen,

I think you're the most beautiful,

charming, intelligent woman I've met in a long time,

and I haven't been able to take my eyes off you all day.

And not only that, you are the most--

Oh, that's it, time's up. No.

[LAUGHING] What?

Wait, let me talk to that other guy a second please.

What other guy? The, uh,

Mr. 30 seconds.

Little tip. Never call a man Mr. 30 seconds.

Is your name Mr. Lynch?

Yes, my parents were very formal.

Oh.

Well...

You have a phone call.

Oh. Must be the office.

Helen... Go.

I picked out

a real nice crab for you.

Thank you.

Helen. Joe, what are you doing here?

I'm the one that had him paged.

Are you all right? Oh, yeah, I'm--

Well, you know, I'm doing okay under the circumstances.

Oh, man, you know, it's horrible that I shoved you with this guy.

Look, why don't you go home

and I'll handle this like I should've from the beginning.

No, Joe, don't do that.

I'm gonna do everything I can to get you this money,

and I'm not just talking about dinner. That's nothing.

I'm gonna take him back to his hotel,

and I'm gonna show him a night he'll never forget.

Boy, when he wakes up in the morning you're not

just gonna have a plane, Joe, you're gonna have a whole fleet.

All right, okay. I guess I deserved that.

The important thing is you're all right.

I'm fine. Good.

That's all I really care about.

So am I gonna get the money?

Well, whoever it was must've hung up.

Oh, hi, Hackett. Hi.

Who had the crab?

So, Hackett, what are you doing here?

Well, I was just leaving, but, you know, as long as I'm here,

uh, I was wondering if maybe you had time

to go over those papers that I gave you this afternoon.

Yeah, as a matter of fact I did, but, uh,

let's talk about that tomorrow.

As long as we're here, I think we both

would sleep a whole lot better

if we just got our business out of the way right now.

Thank you.

Uh, so why don't you just tell me,

uh, am I getting the money?

No, Joe, you're not.

( laughing )

It's another one of your jokes, right?

Joe, I never kid about business.

It's the numbers.

Num-- Numbers?

W-what's wrong with the numbers?

Saturation by the competition, size of the marketplace.

What's wrong with the marketpl--?

The marketplace is quite big, large, ask anyone.

Joe, the risk is too great, the profit's just not there.

What-- What do you mean? I make profits sometimes.

Besides, you're the guy that said

you don't invest in business, you invest in people.

I really gotta stop saying that.

What-- So--

So that's it? That's it?

Well, now, Joe, just calm down. No, I am calm. I am calm.

That's it? That is the reason-- No, no, I want the real reason.

We really should talk about this tomorrow.

No. Not tomorrow. Right here, right now.

All right, Joe, here it is.

You're small potatoes.

For the kind of business that I do,

Sandpiper is just small potatoes.

Come on, Helen, let's go.

Oh, well, Joe, I think I'll stay.

You are gonna stay here with him, Helen?

Right now, let's go. Come on. Excuse me, I'm not your puppy.

Sit, Helen. Go, Helen.

No, I think I'll make up my mind myself, thank you.

Fine. If you wanna stay, that's you business, stay.

But I have my dignity.

And if I don't get my money, I am leaving.

You're not getting the money.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, so I guess you heard.

Lynch isn't giving us the money.

Now I'm right back where I started.

Any hope I had of making something more

out of my life is shot to hell.

Alex is really mad at me.

Does the whole world have to revolve

around your love life?

Wouldn't it be a magical place?

And another thing, man, let me tell you something,

Helen is a person, okay? She's a person.

She's not some lure you use to reel in business.

Right now, at this moment,

I am ashamed to be your brother.

You saw my reflection in the windshield, didn't you?

Your hair looks great today.

You're pathetic.

You know, I-I really hate that I'm getting good at this.

Honey.

Please.

All I want is coffee and a doughnut.

I was up half the night

making biscotti from scratch.

All you want is a lousy, stinkin' doughnut?

Get out of my sight.

Go away.

Shoo. Antonio does not serve

peasants.

Hey, Antonio, thanks for covering for me. How'd it go?

It's been slow, I don't understand.

Helen. Uh,

Look, I've been thinking about this all night, and, uh,

I owe you an apology. No, it's okay, Joe.

No, it's not. I never should have put you in that position.

And you had every right to stick it to me

by staying with that guy. Ooh, it's okay, Joe.

No, it's not okay. You never should have spent one minute

with that boorish, arrogant, self-important, pompous--

Where's the woman of my dreams?

Hey, you.

What?

I'll be back to see you soon as I can.

I can't wait.

Bye, Hackett. Sorry things didn't work out.

But, say, thanks for introducing me to Helen.

Oh, Biggins, I got those, uh,

figures you sent over to the hotel,

they look pretty good. I'll be in touch.

Wait-- What-- No-- Hey, what the hell is this?

I found him. I flew him over here.

I wined him, I dined him,

and now you're gonna get my money?

Come here, you.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )