Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Good morning, Antonio. Hey, Scarpacci.

Morning.

Uh, I found something very valuable in my cab.

Did anybody lose--?

I lost it. It's mine.

You don't even know what it is.

( scoffs )

It's a compact disc player.

Wrong.

It's a cellular phone.

Damn, I almost said that.

Yeah.

Nice try. But I wonder

how I can find the rightful owner.

Don't be a jerk. Keep it.

But what if--? What if someone comes back for it?

Then you say, and note the innocent expression,

"Phone? What phone?"

Oh, come on, Roy. Does that ever work?

"Rolex? What Rolex?"

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( phone ringing )

Hello?

Who's this?

Betty? Betty who?

Uh, no, this isn't Phil.

He must be the man who lost this phone.

You're his wife.

Oh. I-I remember a man named Phil.

And I remember you too.

Oh, yes. Tall, blond, late 20's.

Oh. The two of you made such a lovely--

You're short, brunette, early 40's?

Please don't cry, Betty.

I really don't wanna hear about it.

If it concerns you, have it drained.

Lowell Mather.

Uh, heh, hi, Lisa.

We had a date last night and you never showed up.

Uh, you know, I meant to call you.

I-I think that we're getting a little too close.

That was gonna be our first date.

See. Now we're arguing already.

We're-- We're obviously incompatible.

Fine. That's the last time I let my mother set me up.

Hey, Lowell. What's going on?

That's, like, the fifth time

I've seen you dump a perfectly nice girl.

Well, I guess I'm having a little trouble

with this whole dating business.

Probably 'cause I'm still married.

I-- I thought you and Bunny were separated.

Oh, that again?

You know, just because Bunny and I don't eat together,

sleep together, or live in the same town,

why does everyone assume that the marriage is in trouble?

Lowell's marriage is kind of a touchy subject.

He gets pretty weird if you talk about it.

Well, what's the big deal? If you're not together,

why don't you just get a di--? Di-what?

Get a di-what?

Lowell, Lowell.

You know, it's really not that uncommon.

Fifty percent of all marriages end in...

Di-what.

Di-what the hell are you talking about?

HELEN: Now, Lowell.

You know perfectly well what we're talking about.

We are talking about you getting a di--

Joe.

Me?

Why does it always have to be me?

Yeah. Because you're sensitive.

No, I'm not. I don't even-- Okay.

All right. Divorce, Lowell. We are talking about a divorce.

After all these years, your marriage is a--

A hollow, empty shell. It's a joke.

We're trying to tell you to go and get a divorce.

Way to go, Mr. Sensitive. ROY: Smooth.

Really nice.

Very sweet. What?

BRIAN: Very good.

Divorce. Eh.

We Mathers don't believe in divorce.

I know. It's a lousy thing to do to a first cousin.

Lowell, listen. We're not trying to tell you what to do.

But I think maybe the next time you talk to Bunny,

you should bring it up.

Look, I don't want a divorce.

And I know that Bunny feels the same way.

And just to prove to all of you cynics

how Bunny feels, I'm gonna call her right now and prove it.

HELEN: Oh, boy.

That must be a really hard call to make.

Especially for Lowell. It's got ten numbers in it.

Bunny. Hi. Quick question.

Listen. Uh, ever in your wildest dreams,

did you imagine getting a divorce?

( chuckles )

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Eh. And I gotta tell ya, right about now,

somebody's looking pretty darn foolish. Okay. All right.

( kisses )

Bye.

Anyone know a good lawyer?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Oh, this is so sad.

I mean, I can still remember Lowell's wedding.

I'll never forget it.

At the door, the guy asked me,

"Bride side, groom side,

or are you just here for league night?"

Well, the appointment was for noon, and it's now 12:01.

I think it's pretty darn clear that if Bunny wanted a divorce,

she'd be here by now.

Well, now, maybe she's just running late.

I suppose it's possible.

She never did have any sense of time.

She was two hours late for our wedding.

But we couldn't have started anyway.

So was the best man.

That should have been your first clue that Bunny was out there--

Uh, what is keeping her, anyway?

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, what are you worried about?

Aren't I always there for you?

You're in court? W-why?

Our case doesn't come up for another...

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Not a problem.

Lowell, are you sure this guy's okay?

Oh, yeah. It says so on his ad. He's the best.

( sighs )

"Warren Banks, attorney at law.

He's the best." Lowell.

You cannot get a lawyer from a matchbook.

He can. He did. He's Lowell. Enough said.

Okay.

Okay, heh-heh-heh.

Good morning, folks. HELEN: Hello.

Now, let's see what we have here.

The Mather divorce.

Well,

I didn't expect you folks until...

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Not a problem.

Now, if it's of any comfort,

don't think of divorce as the end.

I'm not married to her. No. Yeah,

I'm not married to him.

Oh. Heh-heh-heh.

Don't think of divorce as the end--

I'm not married to her. I'm not married to him.

I'm just a friend here. I'm...

Oh.

Well, I've never done one of these before.

Now, don't think of divorce as the end--

No, no. Hey, no, no. Wait.

She and I are just here

for moral support. He's the husband,

and the wife's on her way. Oh.

And it is now 12:03, and no Bunny.

It's pretty darn clear

that she was too upset to go through with this.

Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late.

It was just such a beautiful day.

I had to stop for ice cream.

Oh, hi, Helen. Hi, Bunny.

Hi, Bunny.

Mm. Joe.

Hi, Lowell. Hi, Bun--

Hi.

Have we met?

Warren Banks, attorney at law.

We spoke on the phone.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, let me just get the, uh, necessary paperwork.

So Bunny, are you sure you wanna go through with this?

Well, yeah, I'm sure. Aren't you?

Ah, sure. Yeah, I'm sure.

I'm sure. Yep.

So, you know, we've been screwing around long enough.

Let's make this thing legal.

Oh. That's exactly what he said when he proposed.

I've, uh, prepared the papers as we discussed.

All that's left is for you to sign right here.

Okay.

Well,

that does it. Hm-hm.

I now pronounce you man and ex-wife.

( laughs )

Just trying to lighten the moment.

All right. I am late for court.

JOE: I don't know what to say.

It's always sad when a family breaks apart.

I just hope that you'll have the strength

to pick up the broken pieces of your shattered lives

and move on.

Thanks for the good thoughts.

Now, if you guys wouldn't mind leaving,

you're really bumming us out.

Yeah. Right.

So I guess that's it.

Yeah, that's, uh, it, all right.

We're divorced.

So, what are you gonna do now?

Well, I thought I'd probably go get some lunch.

Oh, not now, now. I mean, in your life, now.

Oh.

Haven't really had a chance to think about it.

Though I'll probably eat lunch eventually.

( giggles )

Oh, you always could make me laugh.

You know, when you called,

your voice sounded so forceful.

Like a man who knew what he wanted.

Well, heh,

you know me, Bunny.

When I know I want something,

it's usually something that I'm pretty damn sure

that I think I want.

And what do you want now, Lowell?

Uh, I don't know. What do you want?

( whispers inaudibly )

Hey. You might have mentioned that before the divorce.

We were still married then, silly.

Lowell, is that a wrench in your pocket?

Sorry.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Freshen that up for you?

( muffled groans )

I take it Lowell kept you up to, huh?

Ah, yeah. Poor guy.

Up all night crying.

"Oh, Bunny. Oh, God, Bunny!"

Oh, come on.

Give him a break.

There's nothing wrong with crying, is there?

I don't know. What is the deal with men crying these days?

Is it in or out?

Ah, let's see.

60's was love and sex.

No reason to cry.

70's was a sensitive male.

It was okay to cry.

80's was--

Making money. No crying.

And what's the 90's?

No money, no sex,

nothing to do but cry.

Oye.

JOE: Hey. BRIAN: Hey, bud.

Morning, Lowell. Had a rough night there, huh?

Yeah.

Still can't believe what that woman did to me.

Oh, yeah. Divorce is. It's tough, man.

I mean, yeah, you're gonna have to expect

a few more nights like that.

Really?

Boy, I don't know if I can take that.

Morning, boys.

But it should be fun finding out.

Lowell, where have you been?

You said you were coming right back.

Come on.

See ya.

I almost went to his room last night

to see if I could help.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( phone rings )

Yo, Betty, how you doing today?

I know. Yes, I know.

It's very difficult.

But you just have to take it one day at a time.

No, no. I have not seen Phil.

But you know what might make you feel better?

Go downtown and buy yourself something pretty.

( quietly ): That's what I do.

Fay? Yes, Fay's right here.

Hi, Betty. How are you today?

Now, now, now. That's the liquor talking.

She's drunk as a skunk.

Uh, Betty, why don't you just lie down

and you can call us--

She's okay. It's just hard on her.

It's hard on all of us.

Oh, come on. Lowell and Bunny were so loud

they kept you up all night?

Morning too.

I was halfway down the block,

I could swear I heard them yodeling.

Now, that doesn't mean anything.

My parents used to yodel all the time

and they certainly weren't--

Oh, my God.

Hey, Brian, Roy.

Listen, if I finish early,

can I take the rest of the afternoon off?

Little matinee, Lowell?

No, I can't, Roy. But thanks.

No, I'm gonna go out and find an apartment for me and Bunny.

Yeah, I don't know. With other people in the house,

we feel inhibited.

That was inhibited?

When you were finished, I smoked a cigarette.

I just don't believe it.

Well, you know Lowell. No, not Lowell.

I can't believe my parents.

It's funny. Nobody ever believes their parents do it.

If you really wanna blow your mind,

imagine your grandparents doing it.

Could we change the subject?

I find this just a little distasteful.

Ah. Too distasteful for you?

Look, my mother was a saint.

My father was a pillar of the community.

The last thing I wanna do

is imagine Mom wrapped in cellophane,

Dad wearing tights and a miner's helmet.

I didn't wake up and ask for a drink of water again

for 25 years.

Hey. Hey.

You guys are not gonna believe this.

What?

I just got a call at the house from some guy

that says he's Bunny's fiancé.

( chuckles ) HELEN: Oh, wow.

That's gonna kill Lowell. Yeah.

He's getting ready to go look for an apartment.

Oh, no.

Somebody's gotta tell him.

Oh, no. No, not this time.

N-no. No way. It's not gonna be me.

I'm not telling him.

No, look, I always get stuck with this stuff,

and this time, I'm not gonna do it.

I swear to you, it is not--

Well, I'm sure not gonna do it by myself.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey. Hey, I was in your cab a couple of days ago.

Did I by any chance leave my phone in there?

Phil?

Yeah. Yeah. How'd you know my name?

You've got a lot of explaining to do, mister.

I know all about you and Blondie.

And so does Betty.

My wife Betty?

How you know Betty?

She called.

And I told her everything.

Her heart is breaking.

Oh, my God.

Look, I-- I didn't do anything.

All right, look, look, look.

I did come here to have an affair,

but I couldn't go through with it.

Nothing happened.

Ha! Save your lies for someone else.

No, no. No, no.

I love my wife.

Then don't tell me.

Tell Betty.

Look, I meant what I said.

I am not telling Lowell about Bunny's fiancé.

We either do it as a group or one of you can do it.

Well, I have to know a guy a lot better before I break his heart.

Look, I don't see why any of us has to tell him at all.

I mean, let Lowell find out for himself,

or let Bunny string him on for years. Whatever.

I'm so sick and tired of everybody in this airport

buttin' in to everybody else's business.

Personally, you know, I don't really give a damn.

Helen Chapel, I'm ashamed of you.

In fact, I'm ashamed of all of you.

Lowell is our friend.

And if there's one thing we do around here,

it's look out for our friends.

Well, you may all be afraid to talk to him,

I'm not.

I knew we could get her to do it. Ha-ha.

Antonio, I can't thank you enough.

You've saved my marriage.

Ah. It was my pleasure, Phil.

But, uh, could I ask a favor?

Do you have a, uh, picture of Betty?

I'd like to see who I've been talking to.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, thank you. Yes.

She's, uh, quite-- Quite lovely, yes.

Thanks again.

Woof.

Yeah, Fay. Yeah, I was just about to go out

and get an apartment for me and Bunny.

Oh. Well, Bunny is sort of what I wanted to talk to you about.

She's a great girl, isn't she?

Oh, yes, she is, Lowell. But there's something about her--

Ah, I know. I know.

I bet it's her laugh. No,

that's not what I wanted to say, Lowell.

I know, I know.

I bet it's her smile. No,

that's not it either. What I want to tell you--

I know, I know.

It's the way her hair looks all monkey-like

in the morning.

Uh, sit, Lowell.

Ah. You know, I bet it's the way--

No, it's the fact

that your ex-wife is engaged to another man.

While she's been sleeping with you,

she's had a fiancé in Boston.

I'm a little surprised at you, Fay.

Never thought of you as a gossip.

I mean, you don't see the others in here

spreading these rumors.

I'm sure Bunny has a perfectly good explanation.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Lowell.

I didn't expect you home at this hour.

Interested in a little matinee?

Uh, no thanks, Bunny.

But you know, you're the second person

to ask me to the movies today.

Anyway, listen.

There's something I need you to clear up.

( chuckles )

I'm sure when you hear it, it's gonna make you laugh.

Heh. I mean, I'm laughing already.

What is it, Lowell? Well,

it's just a little tiny thing.

And I'm sure you have a perfectly good explanation.

But, heh,

Fay told me

that you have a fiancé in Boston.

Oh, he just calls himself my fiancé

'cause he asked me to marry him and I said yes.

Well, it's not like we set a date or anything.

It's not exactly the explanation I was hoping for.

Uh, but it does explain a few other things.

Like the time that you went to L.A.

during Superbowl weekend

for your grandfather's funeral.

And the time that you went to Fort Lauderdale

during spring break

for your other grandfather's funeral.

And the time you went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras

for your other grandfather's funeral.

I can explain.

Lowell, I love you a lot,

but I don't think I'm cut out to be married.

I-I'm just no good at it.

I'm a lousy wife.

But you have to admit I'm a great ex-wife.

Wait.

Bunny.

I need more than that.

I just don't think I can give you that.

Well,

then I think we should be separated.

But we're already divorced.

No, I mean physically separated.

So that's it?

Yeah.

That's it.

Gee, I hope this doesn't mean we can't see each other anymore.

No, we can still see each other.

We just can't see each other naked.

Oh.

One last kiss?

Sure.

( door opens )

Whoa. Sorry.

Oh, no, that's all right, Joe.

I have to be getting back to Boston.

Bye-bye, Lowell.

Bye-bye, Bunny.

You okay, Lowell?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm all right.

Anything we can do, I'm here for you, all right?

Thanks, Joe.

Listen, are you busy this afternoon?

I wouldn't mind some company.

Sure. What did you have in mind?

How about a little matinee?

Huh?

Apparently, there's some hot new movie playing downtown.

Everybody's talking about it.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )