Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( airplane flies overhead )

Helen, did you see

which way my eggs went?

Oh, I threw 'em out.

Don't you know what happens

when you leave food around?

It attracts bugs which attract more bugs,

and pretty soon the whole place is crawling with vermin.

( belches )

I see what you mean.

Helen, why are you going so crazy?

There's a new health inspector making the rounds on the island.

So, what are you worried about? You keep a very clean place.

That's what they thought at the Lobster Bucket.

But last night he busted them.

And all they had was a little grease

in the exhaust vents,

mildew under the sink,

and one measly little cockroach in the chowder.

You are grossin' me out here.

Could we talk about something else, please?

Hey, Scarpacci, how'd your date go last night?

Not as well as I thought.

We had dinner at the Lobster Bucket.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, Chapel,

I want another refill.

Roy, can't you see I'm busy here?

Besides, you've had six cups already.

So if you want more coffee, here.

Suck it up.

God, I'm bored.

Ah, you know what I do when I'm bored, Roy?

I like to ponder some of life's big questions.

For instance, if you're driving a car

down Sesame Street,

would you in fact end up

in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood?

You might.

God, I'm bored.

( Roy whistles )

Here's a little something to spice up my day.

Good morning, Alex, how was your run?

Fine.

Brian and I just did a quick five miles.

I hear that's all you two have been doing these days. Heh.

All I know is a real man

wouldn't wait.

Hey, Brian is more man

than you'll ever be.

( sighs, laughs )

( panting )

Honey, are you okay?

Yeah. ROY: Oh, what's that Lassie?

Timmy fell in a mine shaft.

( laughs )

It's okay, girl. I'll go get the ranger. Heh.

( growls ) Brian what happened?

( gasps )

I was running,

my socks fell down,

so I had to pull 'em up.

Fell on my tailbone.

Precisely why I run in the nude.

I'll tell you,

there's nothing quite like feelin' the wind

blowin' through,

well, pretty much everything you got.

U-uh, Brian, you might try to ice that injury

to ease the pain. ( groans )

That's what the doctor told my first husband George to do

when he broke his ass.

Well, that's what the doctor called it.

Medical men.

They got a language all their own.

I'll go get some ice.

Good mornin', everybody. Hey.

Come on, Brian. Get up.

You're sweating all over the waiting area.

Hey, hey, Joe, he had a terrible accident.

Wh-what happened?

His, uh, socks fell down.

I'm all right. I just--

I bruised my tailbone.

Oh, no. Are you gonna be able to fly?

I can fly. I can fly.

I can't fly.

JOE: Oh, no, why'd this have to happen now?

We got five extra charters this week.

And I'm almost maxed out on hours.

Ah, what am I gonna do?

Hey, Lambert,

you're a pilot, you could help him out.

( groans )

Yeah, Joe, um,

I could take Brian's flights.

Uh, well, thanks anyway,

but I'm really funny about other people flying my plane.

Okay, fine, I'm, you know, just trying to help.

Hey, Hackett, you could always take her up for a test flight.

Hey, Alex, you know what?

Maybe you could help me out.

Why don't we go up and I'll check you out

on the aircraft?

Now? I mean, I--

I really think I should drive Brian to the doctor.

Nah, I can drive. I can drive.

I can't drive.

No, no. You two go on.

I'll get him to the doctor. Go on.

Great. Thanks, Roy. I'll see you on the plane.

O-okay, um, I'll be there as soon as I change.

Okay, um, I'll see you later. All right. All right.

Now, Brian, you just cheer up.

If you're anything at all like George,

you'll be up and about in no time.

And then a week and a half later

you'll be broadsided by a bus.

Not all my stories have happy endings.

Hackett, Hackett, Hackett!

How could you be so stupid?

What are you talking about, Roy?

I think you're crazy to let 'em fly together.

Do the words "Mile High Club"

mean anything to you?

They're only going up for a test flight.

Joe and Alex.

Nah.

Hey, uh, Scarpacci, uh,

Joe wants you to take Brian to the doctor.

He'll pay you later.

Wha--?

What--? Brian, what happened? ( groans )

And please don't tell me you ate at the Lobster Bucket.

( giggles )

What's so funny, Roy?

This isn't gonna be such a boring day after all.

( laughs )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( groans )

Oh, this is embarrassing. Ah.

Oh, you'd think there'd be more medical science could do

for a bruised tailbone than make you sit on a donut.

Oh, well, you're lucky.

When my grandfather had the same injury,

they did not have such things.

He had to sit on the lap

of his fat uncle, Carmine.

Yeah, well, thanks for the ride

and for sharing that really disturbing image.

( grunts )

( sighs )

Hey, Joe, I need to ask you--

Oh, Joe's not here. He's up in a plane with Alex.

Still?

( whistles )

Okay.

Boy, you're a lot more trusting than I am, Hackett.

If it was me, I would be on that radio right now,

trying to find out what the hell's going on up there.

Roy.

There's nothing goin' on.

You're right.

You're right.

Why would she be interested in Joe

when she's got a real man right here?

By the way, how's your tushy feeling?

( laughs )

( piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( sighs ) That's it, Fay.

I've done the best I can.

This place is as clean as it's gonna get.

Oh, Helen, I think it looks beautiful,

and you're gonna pass that inspection

with flying colors.

Thanks, Fay. I really needed to hear that.

But of course, you might just wanna get

that little thing there.

Oh, right. Okay, thanks.

And-- A-and there's a little gob of something

over by the stove.

All right, I see it.

You remember last Halloween

when Lowell dropped that pumpkin pie,

and it splattered all over everything?

( giggles ) Right.

Well, there's some right there.

Ow. Huh. Ow.

Huh. Ow.

Ooh. Ah.

Oh, hey, give these back to Joe for me, will you?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'll give them to him

as soon as he gets back from his flight.

Oh, they're back.

They're back? Yeah, yeah.

He and Alex came in from the field,

went straight in the office and shut the door.

At least, I-- I think they're still in there.

You can't really tell with the shades pulled.

You okay, Hackett?

Course I'm okay. Why--?

Why would you think I wouldn't be?

( chuckles )

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

( guffaws )

All right, when you land, you just, uh, log in

your arrival time right there. Okay.

And sign it down at the bottom there

and that's it.

Sounds simple enough.

Hi. ALEX: Hi.

Hey. Hey, how're you doing?

Everything's okay? I-I see they gave you a donut.

Oh, yeah, the, uh--

Uh, I didn't need it, but the doctor insisted.

You know doctors, right?

Donut. Donut. Donut. Donut.

Donut. Donut. Donut.

( sighs )

Well, uh, thanks for fillin' in for me.

I know there's plenty of other things

you'd rather be doing.

It's no problem. In fact, it was--

It was kinda fun. Oh, okay.

Which, by the way, I have another flight,

so I'll see you later.

And, uh, I'll see you on the plane, Joe.

Why do you have to go up with her again?

She's goin' to Boston, I've got an appointment there,

and I'm just hitchin' a ride.

Wait a minute. You're not jealous, are you?

What? M-me? Come on.

( scoffs ) Jealous.

Yeah, I know Alex well enough

to know that I don't have to worry about her.

You'd better not, 'cause you know how much

she hates jealous guys.

She does?

Yeah, that's why she broke up with Dan.

Who?

Dan, the guy she was engaged to.

She was engaged?

Don't you two talk?

Yeah, we talk. We talk ourselves blue.

Which happens to be

her favorite color.

It's green.

It is?

( wheezy laugh )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Celtics front office, yeah.

Uh, give me Red Auerbach.

That's right.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, it's me again.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, it's-- It's still the same message.

No, no, no. Please, no.

Tell him that I still want Aeromass to be

the official airline of the Boston Celtics.

Now, you think you can handle that, toots?

Do--?

Nice mouth. O-oh.

Talk like that usually costs me 2 bucks a minute.

Do you know where I can find

the person who operates this counter?

Who wants to know? My name is Pam Chase.

I'm with the Massachusetts Department of Public Health.

She's in the can.

I'll just wait here.

Oh, Helen, that woman over there is--

Oh, my God. Relax.

It's just-- That's Pam Chase.

You know her?

Know her? I hate her.

When we kids, I was a little overweight,

and she never missed an opportunity to torment me.

What is she doin' here?

You don't know?

You know what? I don't care.

Call me when she leaves.

Uh, no, Helen, Helen, Helen come here.

Now, you know me.

You know how I hate to butt in, but, uh,

if she really tormented you,

you have no choice

but to take action.

What do you mean?

Well, I say that you march right over there,

and you tell her off but good.

You make her feel the pain you felt all those years.

Helen, if you don't do it for yourself, at least do it

for all the fat, little, tormented children everywhere.

You're an adult.

What can she do to you now?

( scoffs )

You're right, Roy.

Good. Good girl.

Hello, Pam.

Remember me?

Helen?

Helen Chapel?

Listen, there's something that's been bothering me

all these years.

When we were kids,

you weren't always really nice to me.

You said things about my weight.

You said names like:

Tubbo,

Lard Lady,

and Mount St. Helens.

Well,

I have a few names for you.

You're rude,

you're vindictive,

you're shallow,

you're conceited,

you're phony, you're fake,

you're bitchy, and above all,

you're the biggest tramp this island's ever seen.

Now, everybody knew about

you and Skip Riley doin' it

in the back seat of, uh, his dad's Plymouth.

Well, you know how they knew?

I told them.

And I'm the one that started

calling you "Wham Bam Pam."

So, Wham Bam, on behalf of all

the little, tortured, fat children all over the world,

get outta here.

Move it.

Get away from my lunch counter.

( Helen giggles )

This is your lunch counter?

That's right, baby.

So go on. Move it.

There's nothing you can do to me now.

I'm the state health inspector.

Oh, Pam, it's been so long.

Oh, I just love what you've done with your hair.

( wheezy laugh )

Oh, this is great.

I say it and they do it.

( laughs )

Oh, I'm having a ball.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh, Brian, how are you feeling?

Yeah, and how's it going with your butt?

( sighs ) Fine, Lowell. Thanks for asking.

Listen, um,

I don't wanna sound paranoid or anything, but--

But do you think there's something going on

between Joe and Alex?

Brian, I'm ashamed of you.

How could you accuse your brother

of something like that?

No, you're right. Thanks, Fay. I really needed to hear that.

And on the other hand, who could blame him?

You are the one who stole his fiancée.

Maybe he did wait all these years

just to get even.

Everyone knows

revenge is a dish best served cold.

In Italy, we have the same expression,

except instead of revenge,

we use the word "calamari."

Oh, it's crazy.

Joe Hackett doesn't have a mean bone in his body.

Yeah, yeah, of course not.

He's probably just experiencing

that raw, wanton, sexual passion

that occurs between people who work together

day in and day out.

I mean, God, take a look at Alex.

LOWELL: I-- Uh, she's got

the kind of body that drives...

lonely mechanics wild.

I mean, if you weren't my boss,

I'd be on...

Enough said.

Brian, don't-- Don't worry.

I-I know a man and a woman

who worked together for 15 years

side by side in a grocery store.

Never so much as looked at each other.

There you go.

Of course, no one could look at them.

They were the two ugliest people in our village.

Not like Alex and Joe.

Can you--?

Can you imagine how beautiful

their children would be?

Oh.

Thanks, thanks, thanks. Thanks for your help.

JOE: Hey.

Hey, Brian. Hey.

Uh, listen, Brian.

Can I, uh, borrow Alex tonight?

Why?

Funny thing happened on the plane.

We met this nice old couple. They had tickets to the Pops.

They can't go, so they gave 'em to us.

They thought we were married.

( both laugh )

Isn't that funny?

( chuckles mockingly )

So you'd be okay spending the evening alone?

Yeah, sure. Sure, sure. I'll just--

I'll rent a film and I'll pull up a comfortable chair

and stand behind it.

Great. Okay, see you tomorrow. All right.

See you later. You bet.

Wow.

If there was ever a time I wish I was wrong, Hackett,

this is it.

It kills me to see anybody treated that way,

especially by his own brother.

Oh, look, Hackett, we--

We've never been close,

but if you need me,

I'm here for you.

Thanks, Roy.

( wheezy laugh )

Be brave, Hackett.

( wheezy laugh )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

I had a very nice time, Joe. Thank you.

Oh, thanks. Me too.

We've gotta do that again. It's so much fun.

Yeah.

( wheels rolling )

Aha!

Brian? ( Brian cackles )

You know what time it is?

Yeah, it's 2 a.m.

It's 2 a.m.

Have you been drinking?

Matter of fact, I have.

Yeah, found Joey's private stash in his office,

and I'm feeling no pain. Heh.

I even threw away my donut.

Brian, those beers are nonalcoholic.

In that case, I'm feeling lots of pain.

That concert ended

at exactly 10:21.

It is now...2:07.

Where the hell have you been?

If you must know, we went to Martha's Vineyard

for some coffee.

Ha, ha! Of course.

That's where everyone goes for coffee at 2 a.m.

Martha's Vineyard, the Decaf Island.

Alex, you would've found this out eventually,

but our father also went insane.

So.

You're finally gettin' me back

for, uh, stealin' your fiancée, huh?

( scoffs ) Wha--? Are you kidding me?

Hey, hey, hey, don't be coy with me.

Everybody knows that revenge and calamari

are best served cold.

What, you don't think I know what goes on

between two people, hm?

Who work together day in and day out?

It's not as though you're the two ugliest people

in the village.

Joe, was your dad ever this bad?

Nowhere near. Look, Brian, I think you'd better stop--

No, I'll-- No, I'll deal with you in a minute.

I knew I never should've trusted you.

So, sweetheart,

got anything to say for yourself?

Go to hell.

Go to hell.

And as for you?

I've only got one question.

At exactly what point did I become

a complete and total jackass?

I think it was right after you said, "Aha!"

How could you think I would do something like that?

What are you talkin' about?

Roy kept pointing out how close you two guys were getting.

You listen to Roy? Ow. Oh.

ALEX: I'm not leaving.

I'm not letting you off that easy.

Now, for your information,

the only reason I was spending so much time with Joe

was to help you out. And it--

Besides, it wasn't even my idea. Roy suggested it.

Roy told me to take her on a test flight,

so I took her on a test flight.

Ooh, yeah, yeah I'm gon--

( screams )

ALL: Oh!

Helen, what are you doin' here?

( sighs ) I'm cleanin' my kitchen.

I got 16 health violations,

and if I don't fix 'em by morning,

they're gonna shut me down.

Well, how did that happen?

Never would've happened if I hadn't told off

the health inspector.

But nope.

I had to listen to my good friend Roy.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, hey, hey, Hackett.

Your airline just got a lot smaller,

'cause mine just got a lot bigger.

( Roy laughs ) What are you talkin' about, Roy?

Well, I finally got a call from Mr. Red Auerbach

of the Boston Celtics.

They want Aeromass to be the official airline

for the team. HELEN: Wow.

That's incredible.

( chuckles ) Roy, you've been tryin'

to do that for years.

Well, they finally wised up and accepted my offer. Heh.

Well, aren't you gonna have to buy a bigger plane?

Ooh. I'm glad you asked, because I just put

a very sizable deposit down

on a brand-new 727.

Wait a minute. Where were you able to scare up that much cash?

Oh, that's the beauty part, see.

I also got a call this morning from Nantucket Realty.

So? ROY: So I've always had a dream

of tapping into some of that easy Hollywood money.

Well, guess who just made a very generous offer

on that piece of bottomland

that I call oceanfront property?

Who?

Mr. Jack Nicholson.

Wow.

( laughs ) That's unbelievable.

Ooh, what a sucker.

Oh, so long, losers.

( sighs ) BRIAN: Whoa, man.

Mm.

Nice work, Mr. Nicholson.

( as Jack Nicholson ): Same to you, Mr. Auerbach.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )