Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( screams )

Fay!

Are you all right?

My God, you scared me.

There's usually nobody here at this hour.

But--

What's wrong? Why in the world were you screaming?

Oh, that's how I start my day.

You'd be amazed at how it makes stress just disappear.

Morning, losers.

I'm back from vacation.

Wanna see my tan line?

( all but Roy scream )

Man, life is good. Isn't it, Joe?

I mean, who'd think that the planets could ever be

in such perfect alignment?

( loud yelp )

Did I wake you up?

No.

Good, 'cause I kind of feel like sharing, you know.

I mean, when something good happens to you,

it makes you want to rush immediately

back into the bosom of your family, you know.

Mom's gone, Dad's gone, so I guess that kind of makes you...

my bosom.

Anyway, you know, I've been walking around for hours

just thinking, thinking, thinking what it is I'm feeling,

you know, and then just suddenly it hits me, man.

I'm happy.

I'm happy.

Look at this face.

Look, do you ever see me look this happy?

I haven't, and I look at it everyday.

All day.

( chuckles )

You know what else just hit me?

Bosom is a really funny-sounding word.

Come on, say it with me, "bosom."

Say it, "bosom, bosom."

Bosom, bosom. Right? Bosom.

( laughs )

Where was I?

Babbling about Alex.

How did you know?

Bosom.

I just--

I can't stop talking about her, because she is so incredible.

I mean, take tonight. You know what we did for six solid hours?

Six hour-- I don't wanna hear this.

We talked.

We just talked.

Stop--

See, you have no idea how wonderful she is, Joey,

because all the time you were chasing her,

you just wanted her for her body.

Me?

All right, me too, but that was last week.

I mean, I've discovered that I not only like her body...

I like her.

You wanna know about the real amazing part?

We still haven't slept together yet.

A whole entire week without sex? Are you gonna be all right?

Yeah, I'll be okay, thanks.

I mean, we've been having such a great time

that I haven't even thought about sex.

And you know me, everything makes me think about sex, right?

Cars, a warm breeze...

a cool breeze...

Wilma Flintstone...

a nice piece of fruit.

Wilma Flintstone?

Well yeah, Fred was out of town, she was parading around

in that short leopard skin number.

That's sick.

Besides, Betty Rubble, she was the hot one.

Now, Pebbles, imagine what a babe she would be today.

( both sigh )

Anyway, anyway...

Listen to me, man,

( laughs ): I just keep talking about myself.

Enough about me. What'd you do tonight?

Oh, well--

( clears throat )

You know that new blonde waitress down at the club car?

With the--

Yeah, that is the one.

Well, she got off work.

Yeah?

She asked me to go back to her place.

( laughs ): What happened?

I don't know, you woke me up.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Yeah, okay, good.

I-I'd appreciate it, you know, if you just--

( scoffs ) Went out,

because I gotta get up at 5 to take the charter.

Okay, okay.

Good night.

( alarm buzzes )

Have you seen Lowell?

I've been looking for him all day.

Don't you remember? We gave him the day off.

What for?

The Mather family reunion.

Oh, yeah...

Dozens of people all missing the same chromosome.

I am so angry right now, I could just spit.

I went out with this guy, Larry Thompson.

He's not a ten, but that's okay.

He took me to lunch, not dinner.

That's okay.

What's not okay, is he turned out to be an insurance salesman.

He only asked me out to sell me a policy.

Come on, you don't know that.

Over coffee, he said he would require

a chest x-ray and a urine sample.

It's not a great come on,

but it's a little more original than "What's you sign?"

( laughs )

Morning, everyone, I've got wonderful news.

Look what I got in the mail this morning, my registration card.

It's about time they started keeping track of you people.

I registered for classes at the community college.

Oh, that's wonderful, Fay.

When did all this happen?

You never even mentioned you were thinking about it.

Well, I didn't want to say anything

until I knew I'd been accepted.

I hear they've got a very strict admissions policy.

You actually have to have a pulse.

So, what are you going to study?

Oh, I'm taking Beginning Psychology.

Oh, psychology. Fay, good choice.

But remember, you don't get the pellet

til after you ring the bell.

Fay, how can you let him talk to you like that?

Uh, did he say something?

( chuckling ): I've learned to tune him out.

Well, I can't.

Roy...

What's wrong with you?

Gee, I don't know.

Why don't you put me up on the rack for a closer look.

Ooh, yeah...

Nothing I find sexier than a man with--

Baco bits in his moustache.

Hey, while you're grooming, you might wanna check your hair.

Looks like you're down a quart.

Oh, God, they're at it again.

Hi.

Hi, back.

Been thinking about you.

Oh yeah?

I bet I was thinking about you

before you were thinking about me.

Bet you weren't.

( both chuckling )

Excuse me... uh, would someone mind taking a hammer

and driving this into my skull?

Oh, I think they're sweet,

and I think you're a little bit jealous.

( high-pitched ): Of what?

( clears throat ): Of what?

Well, for one thing, Alex picked Brian over you.

And for another...

he's got a smile that lights up a room.

Everybody says so.

Look, for the record, I am not jealous,

I just don't happen to care for

their public displays of affection.

I'm with you on this one, Hackett.

Some things should just remain private.

It's is nobody's business what goes on behind closed doors

between a man and a woman...

and another woman.

Well, I think there's a limit to how much affection

should be displayed in public.

I mean, after a certain point,

isn't that what bedrooms are for?

Or restrooms on 747's?

Well, as a stewardess, you hear things.

Come on, Joe, you're being too hard on Brian and Alex,

just leave them alone.

Are you telling me you enjoy

watching those two drool all over each other?

When did you become such a prude?

You know, it seems that I remember,

back when we were dating, that somebody got a little frisky

at the Museum of Fine Arts.

We never went to the museum.

Oh, well, you know...

You missed a great exhibition.

Joe, you gotta help me.

That guy Larry keeps calling me and calling me.

How do I get rid of him?

You don't, he's an insurance guy.

I'd say your best bet would be to enter

an insurance relocation program.

We'll have to alter your appearance and change your name,

and move to a new city.

Plan on doing it every few months because...

he'll find you.

They always do.

Hey, Joey.

Can you, uhh...

Can you take the late flight today?

Uhh, yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

Why, what's up?

Well, Alex asked me over to her house for dinner,

and I get the feeling that she wants me to stay for breakfast.

HELEN: Ohh...

How do you know that?

She told me she wanted me to stay for breakfast.

This is so funny, you know, I actually believed you

when you said Alex was different.

Well, she is different.

ALL: I know I've said that before.

ALL: But this time.

ALL: I really mean it.

I hate when you do that.

Brian, you are doing what you always do.

You're setting her up for your famous three-step program.

Step one, you meet a woman.

Step two--

You sleep with her.

Yeah, step three...

the phone rings, you have me tell her

that you moved to Arizona because of your sinuses.

The hell I do.

The hell you don't, you even sneeze on the first date

in case you need it later.

Face it, Brian, every time you sleep with a woman,

you immediately lose respect for her.

I know I do.

I don't do that.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Fine... you don't.

Then take it back.

Okay. I take it back.

Yeah, you say you're taking it back,

but you still think that I do that.

That's because you do.

It's always the same bizarre pattern with you.

It's-- It's almost pathological.

You know...

maybe you should talk to someone.

Can I get you guys anything else?

No, thanks.

We've got to be going.

There is no bizarre, perverted pattern to my sex life.

Fill 'er up. Maybe just one more cup.

Furthermore, if I ever needed advice on my sex life,

I certainly wouldn't be coming to you.

ROY: Hey, listen.

When it comes to matters of the flesh,

just do what I do. I say--

Oh, my Lord, he's going to tell us.

I say that a real man never misses an opportunity.

That's why, at my house, there's always cold duck in the fridge,

and a fresh tape in the camcorder.

Hey, does anyone ever go out with you twice?

Doesn't matter.

That's why I've got the camcorder.

Brian, you know, I don't care what you do.

Sleep with her, don't sleep with her.

Wine her, dine her, date her, dump her.

I don't care. Just don't give me the stuff about

how this time it's going to be different.

You know what, I really--

I don't know what's wrong with you people.

I treat women great.

That's right, you do...

At first.

Then you turn into an ass.

Uhh, and-and who are you?

Susan...

As in, "I'll never forget you," Susan.

I visited here a couple of years ago,

and you and I went out a couple of times.

You never called.

And when I tried to call you,

some idiot told me you had moved to Arizona.

( sneezes )

So, how you been?

You've unbelievable.

Uh, Brian. I was just leafing through

my new psychology textbook, and I noticed something

that might apply to your situation.

Umm, here it is.

"The insecure male. The subject," that would be you,

"is driven by the thrill of sexual conquest.

This behavior often masks a latent..."

Umm... You know what?

I'll get back to you.

Not that I have to defend myself to you people,

but I happen to believe that a physical relationship

between two adults is perfectly healthy and normal,

I mean, what about you two guys, when you were going out,

how long did you wait?

Not long enou-- Forever.

This is not about us. It's none of your business.

I-I will never understand this attitude you Americans

have about sex.

You're always in such a hurry.

You think love is something you order from a clown

and pick up at a drive-in window.

It is, in Vegas.

Oh, grow up.

Listen, you are rushing to the dining room

without enjoying the pleasures of the kitchen.

It's like, when I prepare a fine sauce,

I start with the pure virgin olive oil,

the nice, firm tomatoes,

succulent peppers, and then, I add just the right spices

until all the flavors come together

in a passionate embrace.

Boiling, bubbling and churning, writhing...

up and down, up and down, up and down.

Until the rich, raging, cataclysmic explosion.

I was told you drove a taxi.

Could you take me downtown?

In a minute.

Okay, okay, okay.

Y-y-you guys...

have made your point.

Maybe I was, in the past...

living too much for the moment.

And not that its any of your business,

but since Alex is special, maybe it would be better

if I took things just a little bit more slowly.

Yeah. Slowly.

I think that's-that's definitely the best way to go.

I can't believe we waited this long.

Seems like forever.

I have to admit, I'm a little nervous.

That's okay, we're even, so, uhh...

why don't we just help each other relax, okay?

Okay.

Hi, there.

( yelps )

Oh, what, what, what, did I hurt you?

No. No, it's uhh, it's uhh...

What?

Way to take things slowly.

This is incredible.

I can't believe it, either.

( chuckles ): Wow.

Step one: you meet her.

Step two: you sleep with her.

What do you want?

Why don't we just find our way?

Step three: you dump her.

This can't be happening.

Brian, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. Yes.

Now, umm... where were we?

Tsk-tsk-tsk...

Oh, my God...

Do you really think the sauce is ready.

Yes.

God, yes.

Oh, this is making me crazy.

How about this?

Look what's in my psychology book under "insecure man."

Oh, stop it.

Oh, I-I'm sorry, I thought you'd like that.

You know what, you know what, maybe--

Maybe we're rushing into things,

you know, maybe we should just stop.

Stop?

Oh, you little tease.

ROY: Come on, Hackett.

Don't stop now. Go for it.

Move a little to the left, you're blocking my view.

Oh, this can't go on all night.

It can if we pace ourselves.

HELEN: Hey, Brian.

( yelps )

So, what's it gonna be?

Are you serious about her, or not?

( whining ): Helen...

Helen?

Did I say Helen?

Yes, you sure did.

I mean, if you'd rather be with Helen...

No, no, no. No, no.

I would-- I-it's, uhh...

This isn't about Helen, this is--

It actually started with Joe.

Oh, Helen and Joe.

Well, why stop with them,

why don't you just bring the whole gang in here.

Well...

Brian... what's going on?

I-I I mean, you're so distracted,

it's like you're someplace else.

No, no, no. I'm here, I'm here.

Believe me, I'm here, I'm just...

wondering if I should be.

Yeah, well, I'm beginning to wonder the same thing.

Wait a second, just wait, wait one second.

Just give me one second, I think I can explain.

Okay.

It's been called to my attention...

that, in the past, right,

I may have screwed up some relationships by, you know,

getting too close, too soon.

I mean, you and I have only been together for a little while.

But already I feel like there's something special.

I'm not saying it's love, I mean, who knows what that is.

I-I... I don't know.

But I would be willing to forego all this...

if it would give us a chance at making us last.

Let me get this straight.

After all the chasing you did, now you want to wait.

I know, I'm sorry.

That's--

The most romantic thing I've ever heard.

You like me enough not to sleep with me.

Oh, yeah. I like you enough never to sleep with you.

You know...

when I think about it...

I've jumped into some relationships too soon, myself.

I think you're right.

We'll wait.

( sighs )

So this is us waiting.

It's not so bad.

Right. Yeah.

So, what do I do now?

Do I go home and wait all by myself?

Well, you don't have to go. I mean, we could just sleep.

Uh-huh. Yes.

Kid, if I had a dollar for every time I used that line...

I...

I couldn't.

Neither could I.

Good night kiss?

See, this is good.

It's good because the longer we wait, the better it'll be.

Absolutely.

Do you think we've waited long enough?

Bye.

( piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )