Original subtitles

MY NAME IS STEVE SCHIRRIPA,

AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT REVENGE.

WE'RE DATING THE SAME GUY?

Schirripa: IMAGINE YOU'VE BEEN CHEATED ON OR LIED TO.

I WAS SO UPSET I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Schirripa: YOU'VE BEEN FLAT-OUT PLAYED.

HE WAS HOLDING OUR STUFF HOSTAGE.

NOW THAT I'VE GOT YOUR STUFF, WE GOT A NEW DEAL.

Schirripa: NATURALLY, YOU WANT TO GET EVEN.

THERE WAS A BREAKING POINT. I HAD TO FIGHT BACK.

PAY ME, TAKE YOUR STUFF, AND GET OUT OF HERE.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

BETWEEN MY ANGER AND HER EVIL GENIUS,

WE CAME UP WITH THE PERFECT PLAN.

BUT WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

THAT'S CALLED "KARMA," AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY...

--Captions by VITAC-- www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

Stockmar: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU GUYS HAVE TO HURRY

A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE WE ARE ON A BIT OF A TIMELINE HERE.

Schirripa: AFTER THREE YEARS TOGETHER IN THE MILE-HIGH CITY,

VANESSA STOCKMAR, AN EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT,

AND HER HUSBAND, CAMERON ALMOND, A CAREER NAVY MAN,

ARE MOVING TO VIRGINIA.

CAM WAS GETTING READY TO RETIRE IN A FEW YEARS FROM THE NAVY.

IT WAS A NEW BEGINNING, SO I WAS EXCITED.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT ME --

MOVING DAY'S ALWAYS BEEN A BIG PAIN IN THE ASS.

BUT IT SHOULDN'T BE A NIGHTMARE.

[ GLASS BREAKS ]

THE MAIN THING IS FINDING A MOVER YOU CAN TRUST.

VANESSA AND CAMERON FIGURED THEY HAD THAT DETAIL ALL PACKED UP.

I'M CHECKING OUT THE INTERNET TRYING TO FIND A MOVING COMPANY,

AND I FOUND THESE GUYS.

THEY HAD ALL THE INFORMATION I NEEDED.

WE ACTUALLY LOOKED AT A COUPLE OF DIFFERENT COMPANIES,

AND THEY WERE A LITTLE BIT MORE EXPENSIVE

THAN WHAT WE FOUND WITH RONNIE AND HIS COMPANY.

Stockmar: RONNIE SENT CAMERON AN ESTIMATE -- BIG ESTIMATE --

NON-BINDING AT THE TIME.

WELL, HONEY, I DON'T THINK WE COULD GET A BETTER PRICE.

I MEAN, THAT'S FANTASTIC.

IT WAS ABOUT $3,600.

Schirripa: VANESSA AND CAMERON

THINK THEY'VE FOUND THE RIGHT PRICE

AND SIGN A CONTRACT RIGHT ON THE DOTTED LINE.

Stockmar: WHEN I GAVE HIM THE DEPOSIT,

WHICH WAS A LITTLE UNDER $800,

AND IT HAD CLEARED, I FIGURED WE WERE ALL GOOD TO GO.

I FELT COMFORTABLE WITH OUR DECISION.

Schirripa: SO IT LOOKS LIKE

ALL THAT CAMERON AND VANESSA HAVE TO DO NOW

IS GO AND ENJOY THEIR NEW LIFE IN VIRGINIA.

HEY. NICE PAD.

THERE'S JUST ONE LITTLE SNAG -- NOTHING'S BEEN DELIVERED YET.

YOU SEE, THEIR STUFF'S STILL 2,000 MILES AWAY.

WAS THIS A BIG PROBLEM?

WELL, NOT RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

I LOVE OUR NEW HOUSE.

[ LAUGHS ]

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME GOOD PARTIES IN HERE.

THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY.

I ACTUALLY HAD NOTHING -- NOTHING TO SLEEP ON,

DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT I CARRIED ON THE AIRPLANE.

OUR CONTRACT HAD SAID

THAT THEY WOULD HAVE OUR STUFF IN VIRGINIA WITHIN SIX DAYS.

Schirripa: BUT THAT'S NOT EXACTLY THE WAY IT WENT DOWN.

TURNS OUT THIS MOVER GUY, RONNIE LEVIN,

WAS A TOTAL SCUMBAG.

HE MOVED THEIR FURNITURE, ALL RIGHT,

STRAIGHT INTO HIS OWN WAREHOUSE, AND THEN HE GAVE THEM A CALL.

COME ON, GUYS. LET'S GET THESE IN UNIT 4, OKAY?

KEEP MOVING. TIME'S MONEY HERE.

[ CELLPHONE DIALS, RINGING ]

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

HELLO?

HELLO, CAMERON? RONNIE LEVIN.

YEAH, THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE OF PLANS.

Almond: EVERYTHING STARTED

AFTER I GOT THE INITIAL PHONE CALL FROM RONNIE.

HE SAID, "WE'RE NOT GOING TO MOVE YOUR STUFF

FOR THE PRICE THAT WAS QUOTED."

YEAH, WE HAD SOME UNFORESEEN COSTS DURING THE MOVE.

It's gonna be $9,700.

$9,700?! THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

WHICH WAS TRIPLE THE PRICE THAT WE WERE ORIGINALLY QUOTED.

Schirripa: THE PROBLEM --

WELL, THE DEVIL'S IN THE DETAILS.

THE FINE PRINT ON THEIR CONTRACT SAYS THAT RONNIE CAN CHARGE

FOR WHAT ARE CALLED ADDITIONAL EXPENSES.

BUT THREE TIMES THE QUOTE?

TO ME, THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE EXTORTION.

Stockmar: I FELT SICK TO MY STOMACH.

THERE WAS NO WAY WE WERE ABLE TO GIVE HIM $9,700.

Schirripa: BUT, HEY, A CONTRACT'S A CONTRACT,

AND VANESSA AND CAMERON FIGURE THAT LEGALLY,

THEY DON'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.

THIS IS NOT JUST A SOFA AND A TABLE.

THIS IS EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER OWNED IN YOUR LIFE

NOW IN THE HANDS OF A MANIPULATIVE MAN.

HE'S VERY MUCH HOLDING IT RANSOM.

I'M PISSED.

YEAH, WELL, NOW THAT I'VE GOT YOUR STUFF.

WE GOT A NEW DEAL.

[ BEEPS ]

Stockmar: HE HAD SAID THAT

IF WE DID NOT PAY THE MONEY,

OUR STUFF WOULD BE GOING TO AUCTION.

GUYS, COME ON! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

Schirripa: SO VANESSA AND CAMERON

TRY TO BARGAIN WITH LEVIN TO GET THEIR STUFF BACK.

Stockmar: I THOUGHT THERE WAS A WAY OF NEGOTIATING,

BUT THERE WASN'T.

I MEAN, HE WAS THREATENING EVERY CONVERSATION WE HAD WITH HIM.

IT WAS HORRIBLE.

THE WHOLE SITUATION WAS HORRIBLE,

AND IT WENT ON FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS.

Schirripa: TO MAKE THINGS WORSE,

CAMERON'S GOT TO GO BACK ON DUTY,

SO NOW VANESSA'S ALL ALONE IN THEIR EMPTY HOUSE.

EVERYTHING AT HOME IS STRESSFUL. I'M OUT TO SEA ALL THE TIME.

VANESSA'S HERE CRYING EVERY DAY,

AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

CAMERON AND I HAD FIGHTS ABOUT IT EVERY TIME HE GOT HOME

BECAUSE IT'S ALL WE TALKED ABOUT.

IT WAS CONSUMING US.

I BLAMED HIM BECAUSE HE'D GO OUT TO SEA,

AND AT LEAST HE HAD A BED TO SLEEP IN AND DISHES AND FOOD.

IT WAS REALLY DIFFICULT ON OUR RELATIONSHIP.

Schirripa: BUT WHILE CAMERON'S AWAY, VANESSA HITS THE INTERNET.

THERE WAS A BREAKING POINT WHERE I FELT LIKE I HAD TO FIGHT BACK.

I WAS GONNA GET MY STUFF.

Schirripa: AND SHE FINDS DOZENS OF POSTS

FROM OTHER ANGRY CUSTOMERS.

LEVIN'S PULLED THIS CON BEFORE.

I WOULD FIND SITES WHERE PEOPLE WOULD SAY,

"DON'T LET HIM MOVE YOUR STUFF. HE'S A SCAM ARTIST.

HE GETS YOUR STUFF, HE KEEPS IT, HE SELLS IT."

ONCE I FOUND OUT WHAT HIS HISTORY WAS,

IT KIND OF GAVE ME ENERGY TO TRACK HIM DOWN.

SO I STARTED MAKING PHONE CALLS TO PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

THAT HAD DONE BUSINESS WITH HIM BEFORE AND E-MAILING THEM.

I THOUGHT THAT I HAD A GOOD CASE.

Schirripa: ARMED WITH A LONG LIST OF PEOPLE THAT LEVIN SCAMMED,

VANESSA'S ALL GEARED UP FOR A FIGHT TO GET HER STUFF BACK.

SO SHE TAKES OFF FOR DENVER.

SHE TALKS TO THE COPS, THE D.A.

NOBODY CAN DO NOTHING.

AND THEN KARMA STEPS IN.

Stockmar: I CALLED THE DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION.

HE ASKED ME IF I WOULD BE WILLING

TO MEET WITH AN AGENT WITH THE FBI.

AND I SAID, "YES, I WOULD."

THE FBI -- THEY HAD INFORMED ME THAT SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE

HAD COMPLAINTS ABOUT RONNIE SCAMMING THEM.

OH, MY GOD. THAT'S HIM.

Schirripa: NOW, THIS GUY LEVIN --

OH, HE WAS A TOTAL SCAM ARTIST, A REAL PIECE OF WORK.

THE FEDS FIGURED HE'D SHAKEN DOWN DOZENS OF OTHERS

JUST LIKE VANESSA.

Stockmar: SOME OF THE PEOPLE

HAD JUST WALKED AWAY FROM THEIR STUFF, THEY TOLD ME,

AND I SAID, "I'M NOT GONNA WALK AWAY FROM ANY OF MY STUFF."

YEAH. LEVIN.

WELL, YOU TELL HER IF SHE WANTS US TO PUT THAT BACK TOGETHER,

IT'S GONNA COST ANOTHER 500 BUCKS.

UNIT 4. UNIT 6, OKAY?

Schirripa: THE FBI's BEEN ON TO THIS GUY FOR MONTHS,

BUT THEY STILL CAN'T NAIL HIM.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

HE'S HIDING BEHIND THE FINE PRINT IN HIS CONTRACTS.

AND THE FEDS NEED HARD PROOF OF EXTORTION.

AND THAT GIVES VANESSA AN IDEA.

I HAD SAID TO THEM, "WHAT IF I GO UNDERCOVER?"

Schirripa: IF SHE CAN GET HIM TALKING,

SHE'S PRETTY SURE HE'LL COUGH UP

WHAT THE FEDS NEED TO PUT HIM AWAY.

Almond: THE FBI SAID, "WE CAN'T ASK YOU TO DO THAT."

AND SHE SAYS, "I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO ASK ME.

I'M TELLING YOU I'LL GO."

Stockmar: I WANTED REVENGE,

AND I WANTED TO SEE RONNIE LOCKED UP.

I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING AT THIS POINT TO GET MY STUFF BACK.

I'M WITH YOU, VANESSA.

LISTEN, THIS JAMOKE'S GOT IT COMING,

BUT YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL.

LIKE I LEARNED A LONG TIME AGO IN BROOKLYN,

MESSING WITH CROOKS CAN BE REAL BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

Schirripa: VANESSA STOCKMAR'S GOING UNDERCOVER WITH THE FBI

TO TRY AND NAB A CROOK

WHO'S HOLDING EVERYTHING SHE OWNS FOR RANSOM.

Stockmar: THE FBI SETS ME UP WITH A WIRE

AND A SMALL CAMERA TO RECORD EVERYTHING.

I WAS NERVOUS, SCARED.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I WAS EXCITED.

I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO TAKE RONNIE DOWN.

TEST. TEST.

Schirripa: THE FIRST THING SHE'S GOT TO DO IS SET THE BAIT.

Stockmar: THE FBI JUST WANTS TO HEAR THAT RONNIE

IS STILL TRYING TO EXTORT MONEY OUT OF US.

I SHOW UP AT RONNIE'S UNANNOUNCED.

AND HE'S ALL SURPRISED THAT I'M THERE.

Almond: EVERYTHING IS GOING DOWN.

I'M OUT TO SEA.

THE ANTICIPATION IS JUST TEARING ME UP INSIDE

BECAUSE I CAN'T TALK TO HER.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

Stockmar: I SAID, "I HAVE YOUR MONEY.

I WANT TO GET MY STUFF TODAY."

HE SAYS, "WELL, I DON'T HAVE A TRUCK. I CAN'T DO IT."

I SAID, "YOU DON'T NEED A TRUCK. I BROUGHT MY OWN TRUCK."

THIS IS STORAGE COSTS. IT'S NON-NEGOTIABLE.

PAY ME, TAKE YOUR STUFF, AND GET OUT OF HERE.

Stockmar: OKAY, YOU WIN.

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

THERE'S YOUR STUFF.

I'LL GO GET MY TRUCK.

YEAH, YOU DO THAT, SWEETHEART.

[ SIGHS ]

ONCE I TOLD HIM THAT I HAD THE MONEY, HE TOOK THE BAIT.

Schirripa: VANESSA WAS RIGHT.

RONNIE FELL RIGHT INTO HER TRAP, AND NOW IT'S SHOW TIME.

THE POLICE SHOW UP, AND IT'S JUST CRAZY.

Levin: AND SHE WENT FOR IT.

Man: FBI. ARREST. HANDS UP.

I WANTED TO BE THERE JUST FOR VINDICATION.

[ HANDCUFFS CLICKING ]

IF I HADN'T HAVE GONE UNDERCOVER,

HE WOULD HAVE STILL BEEN IN BUSINESS.

THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY

HE WOULD CONTINUE TO SCAM PEOPLE AFTER PEOPLE AFTER PEOPLE.

FAMILY AFTER FAMILY.

LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF.

AFTER LEVIN'S OPERATION IS BUSTED,

THE FEDS FIND THE REST OF THE GOODS

THAT HE STOLE FROM DOZENS OF HIS OTHER MARKS.

BOATS, CAMPERS.

I MEAN, YOU NAME IT.

AND LIKE VANESSA AND CAMERON,

ALMOST ALL OF THEM GOT THEIR TREASURES BACK.

CAMERON AND VANESSA FINALLY HAVE THE HOUSE OF THEIR DREAMS.

RONNIE LEVIN HAS A NEW HOME, TOO.

HE PLED GUILTY TO CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT WIRE FRAUD

AND IS NOW ON ICE WAITING FOR SENTENCED IN A COLORADO PRISON.

RONNIE'S OFF THE STREET. HIS COMPANY'S OUT OF BUSINESS.

HE'S DONE. HE'S BEHIND BARS.

IT IS KARMA.

Schirripa: FOR VANESSA STOCKMAR,

WELL, SHE HOOKED HER KARMA AND REELED IT IN LIKE A PRO.

SAME GOES FOR ANOTHER KARMA BELIEVER,

BUT THIS WOMAN DIDN'T NEED THE FEDS

TO HELP HER LAND THE BIG ONE.

SHE TOOK MATTERS INTO HER OWN HANDS.

Entenmann: WE KNEW THAT WE WOULD HAVE TO BE VERY SECRETIVE,

VERY DISCREET,

AND VERY...GENIUS.

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND. THAT'S KARMA FOR YOU.

AND SOMETIMES... IT DON'T SMELL SO GOOD.

THAT AIN'T FRESH PROSCIUTTO, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

Schirripa: WELCOME TO ROSEBURG, OREGON,

THE HOME OF 21-YEAR-OLD ASHLEY ENTENMANN.

ASHLEY HAD IT TOUGH.

CUTE AND SMART, SHE COULDN'T FIND THE PERFECT GUY.

THEN OUT OF NOWHERE, ALONG COMES MR. RIGHT.

Entenmann: I MET THIS CUTE GUY NAMED RYAN ONE DAY AT MY WORK.

HE CAME IN, OFFERED TO BUY ME A DRINK.

HE HAD HIS OWN PLACE, HIS OWN JOB.

HE WAS ON THE BASKETBALL TEAM.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

RYAN HAD A NICE LITTLE RED CAR.

IT WAS HIS LITTLE STEED,

AND HE WAS THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR.

AND HE REALLY DID SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET.

ASHLEY LOVES EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS NEW BOYFRIEND.

IT'S LIKE THEY SAY -- LOVE IS BLIND.

ASHLEY, I HATE TO TELL YOU,

BUT THIS GUY IS ALL FLASH AND NO PAN.

SO, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

[ CHUCKLES ] IT WAS GOOD.

Entenmann: RYAN WAS, LIKE,

THE MOST ROMANTIC GUY YOU'VE EVER MET.

HE WAS THE CUTEST GUY IN ROSEBURG.

HE JUST KIND OF -- HE HAD A SPARKLE IN HIS EYE.

ALL RIGHT, CLOSE YOUR EYES.

OH, OKAY. [ LAUGHS ]

HE WOULD OFTEN INVITE ME TO HIS HOUSE,

AND WE WOULD COOK DINNER TOGETHER.

[ GASPS ]

AND THOSE WOULD BE OUR DATES.

WE'D SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER. I'D GO HOME IN THE MORNING.

I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, MAYBE I HAD FOUND THE ONE.

CHEERS. CHEERS.

Schirripa: ASHLEY CAN'T WAIT TO TELL HER FRIENDS

ALL ABOUT THE HOT NEW GUY IN HER LIFE.

HE IS SO ROMANTIC AND SO CUTE.

Schirripa: BUT IT TURNS OUT

SHE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S HEAD OVER HEELS.

Entenmann: ONE NIGHT AFTER WORK,

I'M ON THE PHONE WITH A CO-WORKER.

HE'S TALL, HE'S GOT SHORT, DARK HAIR.

HE'S REALLY FIT.

AND SHE WAS TELLING ME ABOUT A GUY SHE WAS SEEING.

AND WHEN I TOLD HER ABOUT THE GUY I WAS SEEING,

SHE STOPPED ME...

WAIT, WAIT, WHAT?

...AND ASKED ME, "ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RYAN?"

WAIT A SEC.

HIS NAME IS RYAN?

WE'RE DATING THE SAME GUY?

DESCRIBED HIM PHYSICALLY THE SAME WAY --

HANDSOME GUY, HE'S IN GREAT SHAPE,

HE'S TALL, BEAUTIFUL EYES, AND THE SAME LITTLE RED CAR.

SAID SHE'D BEEN SEEING HIM

PRACTICALLY THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER.

I DROPPED THE PHONE WHEN SHE SAID THAT.

I WAS VERY HURT THAT HE HAD THE COJONES

TO DATE TWO WOMEN THAT WORK AT THE SAME PLACE

AND REALLY THINK THAT WE WEREN'T GONNA FIND OUT.

Schirripa: OH, THE BITTER STING OF BETRAYAL.

BUT ASHLEY'S A STRONG WOMAN.

AND PRETTY SOON, SHE'S GONE FROM SAD

TO RAGING-MAD AT THIS TWO-TIMING CREEP.

Entenmann: I NEVER LET HIM KNOW THAT I KNEW HE WAS CHEATING.

I JUST MADE UP AN EXCUSE TO NOT BE WITH HIM.

I KEPT THINKING OF A PLAN TO GET HIM BACK.

Schirripa: SO ASHLEY TURNS TO HER BEST FRIEND.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE HE FOOLED ME LIKE THAT.

Entenmann: KAT WAS THE FIRST PERSON THAT I TOLD

WHEN I FOUND OUT HE WAS CHEATING ON ME.

WHEN IT CAME TO MEN,

SHE WOULD COME TO ME FOR ADVICE PRETTY OFTEN.

UGH, HE'S SUCH A DOUCHEBAG.

MM-HMM.

I KIND OF JUST GAVE HER CLICHé ADVICE OF,

"YEAH, WELL, HE'S NOT WORTH YOUR TIME.

"YOU'RE NOT MARRIED TO HIM. YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS WITH HIM.

MOVE ON, FIND SOMEBODY BETTER."

[ LAUGHS ]

Schirripa: PRETTY GOOD ADVICE, BUT NOT VERY SATISFYING.

SO AFTER A COUPLE OF BEERS,

ASHLEY AND KAT DECIDE

THIS TWO-TIMER NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON.

DOES HE LOCK HIS CAR?

UH, NO. I DON'T THINK SO. WHY?

THEY COOK UP A SCHEME TO KICK MR. RIGHT RIGHT WHERE IT HURTS.

KAT AND I STARTED DEVISING A PLAN.

WE KNEW THAT WE WOULD HAVE TO BE VERY SECRETIVE, VERY DISCREET,

AND VERY...GENIUS.

I THINK I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

WHAT?

TAKE IT FROM ME.

ANY GOOD HIT MAN KNOWS WHEN IT COMES TO REVENGE,

PICKING THE RIGHT WEAPON IS EVERYTHING.

IT'S GOT TO PACK JUST THE RIGHT PUNCH.

Entenmann: SO THE SUPPLIES WE GOT AT THE STORE --

TWO VERY SPECIAL INGREDIENTS.

[ SNIFFS ] OHH! YEAH.

HABAÑERO PEPPERS...

AND A WHOLE TROUT.

UGH! UGH!

UGH!

EYES AND EVERYTHING.

Schirripa: NOW THAT THEY'RE PACKING SOME SERIOUS HEAT,

IT'S TIME TO KICK OFF OPERATION PAYBACK.

IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING, IT'S THE DEAD OF NIGHT,

AND IT IS TIME TO EXECUTE OUR PLAN.

Entenmann: WE GOT THE SUPPLIES FROM THE CAR,

WENT UP TO HIS CAR, AND GOT STARTED.

ASHLEY'S IN THE FRONT APPLYING ALL THE HABAÑERO JUICE,

CUTTING THEM UP AND RUBBING THEM ALL OVER EVERYTHING.

Entenmann: PUT IT ON THE STEERING WHEEL,

THE OUTSIDE OF THE DOOR HANDLE, THE STICK SHIFT --

EVERYTHING THAT HE WOULD TOUCH IN HIS CAR.

WHEN HABAÑERO JUICE DRIES, IT ACTUALLY CREATES THIS RESIDUE

THAT CAN LAST FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

IT'S SUCH A SPICY RESIDUE

THAT EVERY TIME THE PERSON TOUCHES IT,

IT GETS ON THEIR HANDS.

SHOULD HE TOUCH HIS EYES TO WIPE HIS EYES

OR ANY OTHER SENSITIVE SKIN,

LIKE WHEN HE'S USING THE RESTROOM,

IT WILL BURN, AND IT WILL BURN BAD.

AND HE WILL HAVE NO IDEA

WHERE ALL OF THIS SPICY STUFF IS COMING FROM.

Schirripa: SOUNDS LIKE THE GIRLS DID THEIR HOMEWORK.

HABAÑERO PEPPERS

COULD PUT A WHOLE NEW SPIN ON A HOT RELATIONSHIP.

SO PHASE ONE WAS COMPLETE,

AND WE HAD TO GET OUT SECRET INGREDIENT NUMBER TWO.

[ KNOCKS ]

I'M IN THE TRUNK, AND I'VE GOT THE FISH.

I PULL THE SUBWOOFER OUT

ENOUGH TO LIFT UP THE CARPET IN THE BACK OF THE TRUNK,

AND I PUT THE CARPET DOWN OVER TOP

AND PUT THE SUBWOOFER BACK LIKE NOTHING HAD HAPPENED.

THIS WAS SO BEAUTIFULLY EXECUTED.

ALL STEALTH, COVERT-NINJA ACTION.

Schirripa: THE NEXT MORNING,

RYAN'S UP EARLY FOR BASKETBALL PRACTICE.

HE HASN'T A CLUE

ASHLEY'S BEEN ON TOP OF HER GAME ALL NIGHT LONG.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

AAH, A MAN'S SPORTS CAR IS HIS TEMPLE,

AND RYAN'S TEMPLE --

WELL, LET'S JUST SAY IT'S BEEN TAMPERED WITH.

ASHLEY'S IN NO RUSH FOR PAYBACK.

HER KARMA'S A SLOW-TICKING STINK BOMB.

Schirripa: WITH JUST OVER 20,000 RESIDENTS,

ROSEBURG, OREGON, IS CLASSIC SMALL-TOWN AMERICA.

AND THAT'S TOO BAD FOR RYAN

'CAUSE IT'S THE KIND OF PLACE WHERE EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR NAME.

USUALLY, HE HANGS OUT AT THE GYM OR THE LOCAL BARS,

BUT SINCE ASHLEY AND KAT DID A NUMBER ON HIS CAR,

THIS PLAYER HASN'T BEEN SEEN MUCH AROUND TOWN.

WE DON'T KNOW THE RESULTS OF THE HABAÑERO JUICE BURNING HIM

'CAUSE IN A SMALL REDNECK, GOSSIPY TOWN LIKE ROSEBURG,

IF YOU GET BURNING SENSATIONS ANYWHERE,

YOU KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

Entenmann: I'M PRETTY SURE I CAN IMAGINE HOW BAD IT MUST HAVE BEEN.

I'M SURE ANYWHERE YOU WOULD TOUCH ON YOUR BODY

AFTER YOU TOUCHED PURE HABAÑERO JUICE

WOULD BE PRETTY GNARLY.

Schirripa: RYAN MAY BE BURNING-HOT,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY --

REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD,

OR IN THIS CASE, ROTTEN.

A FEW WEEKS LATER,

THE SECOND PART OF ASHLEY'S PLAN WAS,

SHALL WE SAY, FULLY MARINATED.

HE WOULD ASK ME OUT PERIODICALLY,

AND I WOULD ALWAYS SAY NO.

HE STILL TRIED AND TRIED,

AND HE WOULD TELL ME STORIES ABOUT THE SMELL IN HIS CAR.

ONE DAY, OUT OF THE BLUE, HE GIVES ME A CALL.

[ CELLPHONE DIALING, RINGING ]

HE WAS IN A PANIC.

GUESS WHAT THEY FOUND IN MY CAR.

A FISH.

HE WAS SO ANGRY.

HE THOUGHT IT WAS A NEIGHBOR

OR MAYBE AN OLD FRIEND THAT OWED HIM MONEY.

HE CERTAINLY DIDN'T THINK IT WAS ME,

OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THE FIRST PERSON HE CALLED.

IT TOOK HIM THREE TIMES

OF GETTING HIS CAR PROFESSIONALLY DETAILED

TO FINALLY FIND WHERE THE SMELL WAS COMING FROM,

AND THEY HAD TO REPLACE ALL THE LIGHTING IN HIS TRUNK

AND HIS SPARE TIRE -- IT WAS ROTTEN.

HE HAD TO THROW AWAY EVERYTHING IN HIS TRUNK.

NO ONE MESSES WITH MY CAR, OKAY?

My car.

I COULD HEAR THE TREMBLING IN HIS VOICE.

HE WAS MAD THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW

WHO WOULD POSSIBLY DO THIS TO HIM.

SO I REALLY HOPE THAT RYAN WATCHES THIS SHOW

BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, RYAN, IT WAS ME.

Schirripa: WELL, ASHLEY, CHANCES ARE

HE'S FINDING OUT RIGHT NOW.

AND, RYAN, IF YOU'RE WATCHING,

HERE'S THE MORAL TO THIS ROTTEN STORY --

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A PLAYER, AT LEAST LOCK YOUR DOORS, PAL,

BECAUSE KARMA -- OH, SHE'S A REAL BITCH.