Original subtitles

MY NAME IS STEVE SCHIRRIPA,

AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT REVENGE.

YOU GET CHEATED ON...

LIED TO.

YOU'VE BEEN PLAYED.

YOU WANT TO GET EVEN.

Jones: I REALLY LIKED THIS GUY.

I MEAN, I FELL HARD.

FIVE DAYS PASSED, AND I HAD NO RESPONSE.

"THIS IS NOT GOING WELL."

SHE SAID, "WELL, HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR,"

AND SHE LURED HIM BY MAKING SEXUAL SUGGESTIONS.

THERE SHOULD BE SOME SORT OF CONSEQUENCE.

BECAUSE WHAT GOES AROUND DOES COME AROUND.

IT'S CALLED "KARMA," AND THERE'S A SAYING...

--Captions by VITAC-- www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

[ VIOLA PLAYING ]

WELCOME TO SALT LAKE CITY.

IT'S A GREAT PLACE TO MAKE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

[ PLAYING CONTINUES ]

THAT'S WHAT CANDI WAGNER LIVES FOR.

HER INSTRUMENT IS THE VIOLA.

SHE MEETS GARY VESSEL.

HE MAKES INSTRUMENTS.

WHAT A MATCH.

Wagner: I MET GARY WHEN I WAS WORKING

AT THE VIOLIN MAKING SCHOOL OF AMERICA

AS A SECRETARY, AND HE WAS A STUDENT.

HE JUST WAS REALLY FUN.

WE BECAME FRIENDS.

HE SEEMED VERY MATURE FOR HIS AGE

AND REALLY READY TO SETTLE DOWN AND HAVE A FAMILY.

Schirripa: SO, THEY COMBINE THEIR SOLO LIVES

AND BECOME A DUET.

Wagner: GARY AND I GOT MARRIED

ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AFTER WE MET.

Schirripa: THEIR MARRIAGE IS ONE OF THOSE PARTNERSHIPS

WHERE EVERYTHING HARMONIZES.

AND OVER THE NEXT FEW YEARS, THEY HAVE THREE KIDS TOGETHER.

BUT THEN GARY STARTS DRIFTING OUT OF TUNE.

[ RECORD SCRATCHES ]

WE WERE MARRIED FOR EIGHT AND A HALF YEARS.

AND GARY STARTED SPENDING A LITTLE MORE TIME AT WORK

AND SEEMING A LITTLE MORE INTROVERTED.

HE DOESN'T REALLY SEEM TO WANT TO TOUCH ME.

I WOULD ASK HIM, "ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?"

HE WOULD ALWAYS SAY, "NO,"

BUT HE WOULD NEVER LOOK ME IN THE EYE.

Schirripa: CANDI'S FEMININE INTUITION IS DEAD ON.

IT ALL STARTED WHEN HE WENT ON A BUSINESS TRIP TO ALBUQUERQUE.

GARY MEETS CATHY NOLAN IN A BAR.

GARY'S 30, AND CATHY'S 41.

SHE'S A LEGAL SECRETARY, DIVORCED,

A GRANDMOTHER, AND A COUGAR.

AT FIRST IT'S JUST AN INNOCENT FLIRTATION,

BUT THEN CATHY STARTS A LETTER-WRITING CAMPAIGN

WITH THE CLEAR AIM OF GETTING GARY'S HANDS

OFF HIS INSTRUMENTS, OFF HIS WIFE, AND ONTO HER.

SHE DID SOMEHOW RESEARCH HIM

AND FIND HIM IN ORDER TO SEND HIM A CHRISTMAS CARD.

Schirripa: THEN CATHY STARTS TO GET MORE PERSONAL...

WAY MORE PERSONAL

WHILE THE LETTERS ARE COMING,

THEY'RE ARRIVING AT HIS WORK ADDRESS.

I HAD NO IDEA.

Schirripa: AFTER FOUR MONTHS OF THIS,

CATHY'S LETTERS HAVE THE DESIRED EFFECT.

GARY'S GOT A BUSINESS TRIP COMING UP IN NEW YORK,

AND HE MAKES PLANS WITH CATHY TO MEET THERE.

SHE KNOWS HE'S MARRIED, AND SHE DOESN'T CARE.

THEY KEEP HAVING THESE RENDEZVOUS

FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS.

THEN CANDI GETS THE PHONE CALL THAT WILL BREAK HER HEART.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

Wagner: THIS WOMAN SAID, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

"I'M A FRIEND OF A FRIEND.

BUT YOU'RE MARRIED TO GARY VESSEL, RIGHT?"

AND I SAID, "YES."

AND SHE SAID, "WELL, HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR."

[ MOANING ]

AND SHE SAID, "HER NAME IS CATHY NOLAN,

AND SHE LIVES IN ALBUQUERQUE,"

AND SHE GAVE ME HER PHONE NUMBER.

Schirripa: BUT CANDI DOESN'T CALL.

Schirripa: SO, I JUST HANDED HIM THE PAPER,

AND I SAID, "ARE WE GONNA TALK?"

AND HE GOES, "THERE'S NOTHING TO SAY.

SHE'S MY SOUL MATE. I'M IN LOVE WITH HER."

HE JUST TOLD ME HE WAS MOVING OUT AND THE MARRIAGE WAS OVER.

IT WAS REAL TOUGH.

Schirripa: THE MAN SHE LOVED, THE FATHER OF HER CHILDREN --

HE'S JUST WALKING OUT OF THEIR LIVES.

IT WAS SHOCKING TO KNOW THAT MY HUSBAND

WAS IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN,

THAT THIS WHOLE RELATIONSHIP HAD DEVELOPED AND I DIDN'T KNOW.

[ TAPE FAST-FORWARDING ]

ARE YOU MARRIED? YES, I AM.

YOU THINK YOUR HUSBAND EVER CHEATED ON YOU?

I KNOW HE HAS.

AND HOW'D YOU HANDLE THAT, IF YOU DON'T MIND MY ASKING?

I HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS AND CALLED HER QUITE A FEW NAMES.

ANY GUY EVER CHEAT ON YOU?

YES. AND WHAT DID YOU DO?

MM. I WAS VERY ANGRY.

BUT FOR THE REAL REVENGE,

I WANT TO DO SOMETHING IN PUBLIC, NOT PRIVATE.

WHEN CANDI WAGNER'S HUSBAND, GARY, WALKS OUT,

SHE'S NOT THINKING ABOUT GETTING BACK AT HIM.

SHE'S STUNNED, HEARTBROKEN.

I HAD DAYS WHERE I WOULD JUST --

AFTER I LEFT THE HOUSE AND I WAS ALONE IN THE CAR,

I WOULD JUST CRY AND CRY AND CRY.

BUT WHEN SHE DUSTS HERSELF OFF

AND COMES TO UNDERSTAND WHAT REALLY HAPPENED,

SHE BE READY TO TEACH HIM A MASTER CLASS IN COMEUPPANCE.

BELIEVE ME -- HE'S GONNA WISH

KARMA NEVER HEARD OF ALBUQUERQUE.

IN SALT LAKE CITY,

THE BEAUTIFUL DUET CANDI WAGNER THOUGHT SHE WAS PLAYING

WITH HER HUSBAND, VIOLIN MAKER GARY VESSEL,

HAS FALLEN WILDLY OUT OF TUNE.

GARY'S BEEN LURED OFF

BY THE SIREN SONG OF ANOTHER WOMAN, CATHY NOLAN.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I THINK THERE OUGHT TO BE A LAW

AGAINST SNAGGING SOMEONE ELSE'S SPOUSE.

TURNS OUT, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THAT WAY.

Wagner: MY WORLD HAD BEEN FALLING APART.

I JUST NEEDED TO KNOW WHAT HAD BEEN GOING ON IN MY LIFE

THAT I DIDN'T KNOW.

Schirripa: HOW'S CANDI GONNA FIND OUT?

WELL, THE SAME WOMAN WHO TOLD HER ABOUT THE AFFAIR

ALSO TELLS HER

ABOUT ALL THOSE CARDS AND LETTERS THAT CATHY SENT

AND THAT GARY'S BEEN HIDING THEM AT HIS WORKSHOP.

GARY'S COWORKER TOLD HIS WIFE, AND SHE TOLD A FRIEND,

WHO DECIDED CANDI HAD A RIGHT TO KNOW.

SO, I WENT TO THE SHOP AND I SAW HIS COWORKER THERE AND I SAID,

"I'M GOING ON A LITTLE SEARCH. DON'T TRY TO STOP ME."

I SAID, "MOVE OUT OF MY WAY," AND WE HAD THIS LITTLE BATTLE.

AND THEN HE LET ME TAKE THEM.

AT FIRST I TOLD MYSELF I WASN'T GOING TO READ THEM,

BUT, OF COURSE, I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT AND READ THEM.

IT WAS A HORRIBLE NIGHT.

AND SHE LURED HIM FOR THREE MONTHS

BY SENDING ALL THESE CARDS AND LETTERS

AND MAKING SEXUAL SUGGESTIONS.

Schirripa: AND BECAUSE SHE LURED HIM,

KARMA -- OR, AS THEY CALL HER IN COURT, JUSTICE --

IS GONNA WEIGH IN BIG TIME.

I REALLY FELT LIKE INTERFERING IN A MARRIAGE WAS WRONG

AND THAT THERE SHOULD BE SOME SORT OF CONSEQUENCE.

FORTUNATELY FOR CANDI,

IN UTAH, THERE'S AN OLD LAW ON THE BOOKS THAT SAYS

IF SOMEONE RUNS OFF WITH A PERSON THEY KNOW IS MARRIED,

WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS UNDERMINING A LEGAL CONTRACT,

AND YOU CAN SUE THEM FOR DAMAGES.

THE LAW IS CALLED ALIENATION OF AFFECTION,

AND IT'S BEEN AROUND SINCE THE 1860s.

MOST STATES HAVE GOTTEN RID OF IT, BUT NOT UTAH --

A FACT THAT LEGAL SECRETARY CATHY NOLAN

SHOULD HAVE READ UP ON.

I SUED HER FOR ALIENATION OF AFFECTION,

FOR A MILLION DOLLARS.

I THINK IT'S APTLY NAMED 'CAUSE HE SLOWLY, SLOWLY PULLED AWAY,

AND HIS AFFECTIONS WERE ALIENATED TOWARDS ME.

Schirripa: CATHY'S THE ONE ON TRIAL,

BUT BOTH SHE AND GARY ARE IN KARMA'S CROSS HAIRS

BECAUSE HER STEAMY LETTERS ARE NOW INTRODUCED AS EVIDENCE

AND READ ALOUD FOR THE JUDGE BY THE CHEATING HUSBAND HIMSELF.

"HOW WOULD YOU RATE YOURSELF SEXUALLY?"

THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING.

GARY HAD TO KEEP ON READING.

ONE OF THE LETTERS SAID, "YES, I DO THINK

YOU CAN BE IN LOVE WITH TWO WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME,"

AND THEN IT PROGRESSED TO

"I KNOW YOU'VE NEVER LOVED YOUR WIFE" KIND OF THING.

IT WAS ALL IN THE CARDS AND LETTERS, IN HER WORDS.

Schirripa: THE SOUND OF GARY READING THOSE LETTERS --

THAT'S THE SWEET SOUND OF KARMA AT WORK.

AND WHAT DID THE JURY SAY?

THEY WERE IMMEDIATELY UNANIMOUS, AND THEY AWARDED ME $500,000.

Schirripa: WOW. 500,000 BUCKS.

THAT'S SOME SUPER-SIZED KARMA.

I CHOSE TO WATCH GARY'S REACTION FOR THE VERDICT.

WELL, HIS MOUTH PRETTY MUCH FELL TO THE FLOOR.

I DID GET SOME ENJOYMENT OUT OF THAT.

[ LAUGHS ]

Schirripa: CATHY AND CANDI END UP SETTLING FOR ABOUT 50 GRAND.

FOR A LEGAL SECRETARY, THAT'S A BIG BITE.

BUT FOR CANDI, IT WAS NEVER ABOUT THE MONEY.

MY GOAL WAS TO NOT BE VICTIMIZED

BY THE WHOLE CIRCUMSTANCE OF THE AFFAIR

AND HAVING A DIVORCE I DIDN'T WANT.

I FEEL LIKE THE ALIENATION OF AFFECTION LAWSUIT

WAS A WAY TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF.

CATHY COULD HAVE SAVED HERSELF

A PILE OF MONEY AND SOME HEARTACHE.

GARY LEFT HER, TOO.

HE SHOULD HAVE STUCK TO MAKING VIOLINS

INSTEAD OF BREAKING HEARTS.

THANKS TO AN OLD LAW,

KARMA NAILED BOTH OF THOSE LOVE BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.

BUT CHECK THIS OUT --

EVEN WITHOUT THE LAW,

THERE ARE WAYS TO TURN PAYBACK INTO PAYROLL.

WHEN TAYLOR FINDS OUT HER BOYFRIEND'S CHEATING,

SHE KICKS HIM OUT SO FAST, HE CAN'T EVEN GRAB HIS CLOTHES.

THEN SHE REALIZES, "HEY, I BOUGHT HIM THOSE CLOTHES.

THEY'RE MINE."

SO, SHE DECIDES TO HAVE A LITTLE FASHION SHOW ON eBay.

IT'S FUN FOR TAYLOR

'CAUSE HER EX WOULD NEVER LET HER STRUT HER STUFF.

SO, HE CAN'T BE LOVING IT WHEN SHE STRUTS HIS STUFF.

HER ONLINE CATWALK PAYS OFF BIG TIME...

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

...'CAUSE TAYLOR ALSO RAKES IT IN BY SELLING HER SEXY SNAPS,

AS WELL AS HIS OLD THREADS.

SHE BECOMES A MEDIA SENSATION --

TV INTERVIEWS, A FEATURE FROM PENTHOUSE.

AND SHE DOES IT ALL WHILE KEEPING HER PRIVACY.

SHE TELLS HER EX WHAT SHE'S DOING,

BUT DOESN'T TELL ANYONE WHO HE IS

'CAUSE THAT WOULD REVEAL WHO SHE IS.

WHEN SOMEONE BREAKS UP WITH YOU,

IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO HAPPEN AT A BAD TIME,

BUT THERE ARE SOME MOMENTS IN LIFE

WHEN IT'S TOTALLY UNFORGIVABLE.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO MEET A GAL

WHO GOT DUMPED AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME.

Jones: I KNEW SOMETHING WAS TOTALLY WEIRD.

THE FEMALE INTUITION JUST KICKED IN,

AND I'M LIKE, "THIS IS NOT GOING WELL."

WHEN YOU'RE IN COLLEGE, THERE'S LOTS OF COMPETITION --

GRADES, SPORTS, RUSH WEEK.

BUT AT SOME SCHOOLS, THAT ALL PALES

COMPARED TO THE PRESSURE LEADING UP TO THE BIG FORMAL DANCE.

SO, IMAGINE -- YOU'RE A CALIFORNIA SORORITY GIRL,

AND THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER.

THE BIG NIGHT'S COMING UP.

YOU GOT YOUR DATE, YOUR DRESS,

AND AT THE 11th HOUR, TOTAL DISASTER.

I'M NOT TALKING CHIPPED TOOTH HERE --

MORE LIKE BROKEN HEART.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

I'M A CREATIVE WRITING MAJOR,

AND SO I HAVE A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT CLASSES

THAT I'M TAKING.

I REALLY LOVE IT.

Schirripa: CHRISTINA JONES LIVES THE GREEK LIFE

AT THE UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

IT'S A PRESSURE COOKER OF HIGH STAKES AND HIGHER HEELS.

MY SORORITY IS PI BETA PHI,

AND IT'S BY FAR, I THINK, THE BEST AND MY FAVORITE.

I LOVE ALL THE GIRLS IN IT.

IT'S REALLY FUN.

[ TAPE FAST-FORWARDING ]

I'M ALWAYS DOWN TO TAKE RISKS, AND I'M VERY SPONTANEOUS.

Schirripa: HER ROOMMATE CAN BACK THAT UP.

FOR A FOOTBALL GAME, SHE, LIKE, PAINTED HER ENTIRE BODY RED

AND, LIKE, WENT TO THE FOOTBALL GAME LIKE THAT.

Schirripa: EVERYTHING'S GREAT IN CHRISTINA'S WORLD,

EXCEPT FOR JUST ONE THING -- GUYS.

Mukerji: SHE GETS DUMPED ALL THE TIME.

IT'S REALLY AWFUL.

Schirripa: AND WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?

Jones: I'M A VERY EASYGOING PERSON,

AND I THINK EVENTUALLY GUYS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT.

THEY THINK THAT WALKING AWAY

OR GOING FOR ANOTHER GIRL WON'T HURT ME.

Schirripa: BUT MAYBE ALL THOSE GUYS

JUST NEEDED TO CLEAR THE FIELD FOR THE BIG MAN ON CAMPUS

'CAUSE NOW HE AND CHRISTINA ARE AN ITEM.

I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY.

I MEAN, I FELL HARD.

I THOUGHT HE WAS A MATURE AND OLDER GUY,

THAT THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

Mukerji: SHE USED TO, LIKE, GO OUT WITH HIM A LOT,

AND SO SHE WAS VERY EXCITED.

YOU KNOW, SHE JUST THOUGHT THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT MIGHT LAST.

WE DATED FOR A FEW MONTHS.

Schirripa: THEY DATE THROUGH CHRISTMAS, NEW YEAR'S EVE.

BUT THOSE ARE JUST A RUN-UP

TO THE MOST IMPORTANT SOCIAL EVENT OF THE YEAR --

THE BEAUX AND ARROWS FORMAL DANCE.

IT'S AROUND VALENTINE'S DAY, WHICH IS --

YOU WANT TO TAKE SOMEBODY THAT YOU'RE REALLY INTO.

IT'S KIND OF HIGH-PRESSURE.

Schirripa: BECAUSE IT'S THE BIG EVENT

WHERE SORORITY LADIES SHOW WHO THEY LOVE,

NO GUY CAN GO TO BEAUX AND ARROWS

UNLESS HE'S PERSONALLY INVITED BY A SORORITY MEMBER.

I WAS SO EXCITED TO, LIKE, BE TAKING THIS GUY IN PARTICULAR

'CAUSE I WAS REALLY INTO HIM.

HE'S FRIENDS WITH MY FRIENDS,

AND SO I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE A REALLY --

LIKE, JUST THE ULTIMATE, PERFECT, STORYBOOK FORMAL.

Schirripa: BUT SHE'S ABOUT TO FIND OUT

THAT HER PRINCE CHARMING IS REALLY A TOAD.

Jones: WE HAD CALLED AND TEXTED EVERY SINGLE DAY,

AND WHEN WE CAME BACK TO START THE NEW SEMESTER,

FOUR OR FIVE DAYS PASSED, AND I HAD NO RESPONSE.

I KNEW SOMETHING WAS TOTALLY WEIRD.

THE FEMALE INTUITION JUST KICKED IN, AND I'M LIKE,

"OKAY, LIKE, THIS IS NOT GOING WELL."

I KEPT, LIKE, THE FALSE HOPE, LIKE,

"OH, MAYBE THE PHONE DIED,"

BUT WHEN THAT ONE-WEEK MARKER HIT,

KIND OF IT JUST LIKE SUNK IN

I WAS LIKE, "IT'S OVER. HE'S NOT GONNA CALL."

Schirripa: HE DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER

SENDING A LAME BREAK-UP TEXT.

Jones: THIS WAS ABOUT A WEEK

BEFORE BEAUX AND ARROWS HAPPENED,

SO I AM NOW SCRAMBLING.

I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.

THE BIG DANCE IS COMING UP FAST.

CHRISTINA JONES IS ALL DOLLED UP,

WITH A HUGE GAP IN HER LIFE WHERE HER DATE USED TO BE.

NOW, IF YOU'RE THE KIND OF GAL

WHO PAINTS HERSELF RED FOR FOOTBALL GAMES,

YOU DON'T FOLD FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

YOU SEE RED, AND THEN YOU GO FOR THE GOLD.

Schirripa: AT THE UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA,

CREATIVE-WRITING STUDENT CHRISTINA JONES

IS DATING THE BIG MAN ON CAMPUS

AND EXCITED ABOUT GOING WITH HIM TO THE FORMAL DANCE.

BUT THIS FAKE PRINCE CHARMING HASN'T READ THE FAIRY TALE.

HE WALKS OUT ON HER.

USC STUDENT GOING TO A FORMAL, AND THE GUY STOOD HER UP.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF THAT WAS YOU?

I'D PROBABLY TRY TO GET HIM BACK FOR IT 'CAUSE THAT'S JUST --

I MEAN, GIRLS PLAN FOR THOSE THINGS LIKE MONTHS IN ADVANCE.

SO, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

FIND THE MOST GORGEOUS DATE TO GO IN HIS PLACE

AND LOOK BEAUTIFUL THAT NIGHT AND RUB HIS NOSE IN IT.

[ THUNDER RUMBLING ]

Schirripa: YEAH, RUB HIS NOSE IN IT.

SOUNDS GOOD.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT CHRISTINA JONES

WOULD LOVE TO DO, BUT HOW?

ANYONE ELSE SHE COULD ASK TO THE FORMAL

IS ALREADY GOING WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

IT WAS PRETTY MUCH AN IMPOSSIBLE FEAT,

BUT I WAS NOT ABOUT TO GIVE UP.

I WAS GONNA FIND SOMEONE.

Schirripa: LUCKILY, CHRISTINA DOESN'T HAVE TO LIMIT HERSELF

TO GUYS ON CAMPUS.

Jones: WE CAN TAKE WHOEVER WE WANT.

SO, THEN MY NEXT NATURAL INSTINCT

WAS TO GO TO CRAIGSLIST,

WHICH IS PROBABLY THE LAST THING THAT ANY NORMAL PERSON WOULD DO.

I TOLD HER THAT SHE WAS INSANE,

THAT SHE WAS GONNA END UP, LIKE, MURDERED ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

BY SOME CRAZY CRAIGSLIST GUY.

I MADE THIS VERY CONSTRUCTED LIST

OF ALL THE QUALITIES THAT THE GUY HAD TO HAVE.

MAYBE I'D GET LUCKY.

THE DATE HAD TO BE OVER 6', NOT INCLUDING HEIGHT FROM HAIR,

HAD TO HAVE PERFECT CREST-WHITESTRIP SMILE.

AND SHE STARTED GETTING ALL THESE RESPONSES

FROM ALL THESE GREAT GUYS,

AND SHE WAS JUST HAVING A BLAST FOR TWO DAYS.

Schirripa: BUT EVERY FAIRY TALE HAS AN EVIL VILLAIN.

CHRISTINA'S AD GETS HACKED.

IT'S FROZEN.

THAT CONTACT INFO FOR THE GUYS

WHO WANT TO ESCORT HER TO THE DANCE --

IT'S GONE.

AT THE POINT WHERE THE CRAIGSLIST AD GOT HACKED,

I HAD ABOUT THREE OR FOUR DAYS LEFT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND I WAS COMPLETELY DATE-LESS,

AND NOW I AM REALLY OUT OF OPTIONS.

Schirripa: BUT JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME,

LIKE SHE DID FOR CINDERELLA,

FAIRY GODMOTHER KARMA REACHES OUT.

I NEVER WAKE UP EARLY,

BUT THIS DAY IN PARTICULAR I GET UP AT 8:00 A.M.,

AND I TURN ON THE RADIO.

I NEVER AM UP THAT EARLY,

LISTENING TO EARLY-MORNING TALK SHOWS,

BUT I HEARD RYAN SEACREST ON THE AIR,

AND THE CONVERSATION AT THE TIME WAS,

"DO YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF DATING DRAMA THAT REVOLVES AROUND

NEEDING TO GET BACK AT A GUY THAT DUMPED YOU?"

AND I JUST WENT [SIGHS] "DO I EVER," LIKE, "LET ME TELL YOU."

I CALL THE RADIO RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

ONE RING, SOMEONE ANSWERS.

I JUST TELL THEM -- I'M LIKE,

"OKAY, I'M GONNA TELL YOU A STORY."

Schirripa: THEY LIKE THE STORY,

BUT THEY DON'T PUT CHRISTINA ON THE AIR.

IT'S EVEN BETTER.

THEY SAY MR. SEACREST MIGHT DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT PERSONALLY.

Jones: I GIVE THEM NUMBER AND DON'T REALLY EXPECT A CALL BACK.

SO, I HAD ACTUALLY HAD A MIDTERM EXAM THAT DAY.

DURING MY EXAM, MY PHONE RINGS.

Schirripa: AT USC, STUDENTS TAKING TESTS

SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE THEIR PHONES,

LET ALONE LOOK AT THEM,

BUT CHRISTINA JONES HAS A GUT FEELING

THAT HER PRAYERS HAVE JUST BEEN ANSWERED.

Jones: [ COUGHING ]

I JUST EXCUSED MYSELF AND STARTED COUGHING,

BAILED OUT OF THE CLASSROOM RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TEST

AND ANSWERED THE PHONE.

AND HE SAID "RYAN SEACREST IS ON THE LINE."

HE BASICALLY SAID, LIKE, "WE WANT TO RUN WITH THIS.

WE'RE GONNA GET YOU A DATE."

Schirripa: RYAN'S ALREADY GOT SOMEONE IN MIND..

AND NOT JUST ANYONE.

HE HAD DEREK HOUGH ON THE LINE,

SAYING THAT HE WAS WILLING TO GO WITH ME.

Schirripa: DEREK HOUGH.

YOU MAY HAVE SEEN HIM DANCING WITH SOME STARS.

EVEN IF YOU'RE A BIG MAN ON CAMPUS, I THINK

YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE A LITTLE BIT AFRAID OF DEREK HOUGH.

Jones: AND I -- HONESTLY, I DIDN'T HAVE WORDS.

NOTHING WOULD COME OUT.

Jones: SO, THE BIG NIGHT ARRIVES.

SHE HAD GOTTEN HER HAIR DONE AND SHE HAD HER MAKEUP DONE

AND SHE WAS WEARING HER FAVORITE EARRINGS.

I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT BIG MAN ON CAMPUS AT THIS POINT.

IT WAS LIKE THE FARTHEST THING IN MY MIND.

Schirripa: LOOKS LIKE THE FAIRY TALE'S COMING TRUE, AFTER ALL,

COMPLETE WITH A PRINCE CHARMING.

MAKE THAT A DOUBLE.

Jones: AND ON TOP OF IT,

THEY GOT JASON KENNEDY FROM "E! NEWS" TO COME ALONG.

[ FANFARE PLAYS ]

[ CROWD GASPS ]

WALKING IN TO THE FORMAL

WAS HONESTLY JUST LIKE THE MOST GLORIOUS MOMENT.

IT WAS EXACTLY LIKE WHAT I WANTED,

GETTING A REVENGE ON THE BIG MAN ON CAMPUS.

BUT IT WAS EVEN MORE THAN THAT

BECAUSE IT WAS HONESTLY STORYBOOK-PERFECT FORMAL

I COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED.

Schirripa: BUT KARMA'S NOT DONE WITH CHRISTINA YET.

A MEMBER OF RYAN SEACREST'S STAFF

CALLS HER WITH AN EXCITING OFFER.

HE THINKS SHE'S SMART AND FUNNY

AND WANTS TO KNOW IF SHE'D LIKE TO WORK FOR THEM.

Jones: HE SAID, "WELL, WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED AT ALL IN WRITING FOR US?"

ABSOLUTELY. LIKE, I WAS -- DUH.

LIKE, I COULDN'T EVEN ANSWER QUICKER.

I FEEL LIKE WHEN YOU FINALLY TAKE THAT STEP YOURSELF

AND MAKE THAT DECISION,

LIKE, "I'M GONNA BE DEFEATED BY THIS,"

THAT'S WHEN IT PAYS OFF.

I THINK THAT KARMA DEFINITELY WORKED ITS MAGIC

BECAUSE EVERYTHING FELL INTO PLACE.

SHE IS DEFINITELY THE BIG GIRL ON CAMPUS.

Schirripa: AND WHAT ABOUT THAT DIRTBAG WHO STOOD HER UP?

HE SEEMS TO BE KEEPING KIND OF A LOW PROFILE,

WHICH I THINK IS BEST.

Jones :IF I HAD TO SAY ANYTHING TO THE BIG MAN ON CAMPUS,

IT'S THAT I'M DOING PRETTY WELL

AND I'M REALLY GLAD YOU DUMPED ME.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHEN THERE'S WRONGS THAT NEED RIGHTING,

KARMA MAY LET YOU SWEAT A BIT JUST TO SEE WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF,

BUT SHE DOESN'T FORGET,

AND IT'S GOOD TO HAVE HER ON YOUR SIDE

'CAUSE KARMA -- SHE'S A BITCH.